40+, Unmarried And You Want A Baby?

Browndilocks said:
It seems like you aren't pressed about marriage because he isn't. Perhaps if you were with someone who would actually make it a priority you'd feel differently. Just a thought.
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Excellent point. This is why it's important to know what you want. If I'm trying to get a ride up north and you are going south, I can't ride with you. If you know where you want to go, you can catch the right bus to reach your destination more easily.
 
Fine 4s said:
@ArrrBeee
You might be right.
How did it turn out for you?
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It was my 1st post divorce relationship after a long and unfulfilling marriage. I never saw myself having kids with the ex for various reasons but with this guy it was different.

When I was able to clarify what I wanted and needed in a relationship, I realized he couldn't give me that. I kept believing words instead of actions. When a man is trying to build a kingdom with you, always check his actions and don't be afraid to walk away if you know in your heart that staying means settling.

I will probably not have kids and I really am okay with that because motherhood wasn't something I dreamed of all my life. With that being said, if I could go back, I would have dated multiple people. Going forward, I will not be exclusive with anyone until I have an engagement ring.
 
Sumra said:
I dont understand his mindset. Planning to bring a life into the world within the next two years is cool, but the prospect of getting engaged within that time is rushing things. I'm not even a marriage nazi, but when the reasoning makes no sense it sets off my BS-ometer.
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I'd guess it's because he's divorced. No excuse to mess OP around but it does affect people's views /approach to marriage.
 
londontresses said:
I'd guess it's because he's divorced. No excuse to mess OP around but it does affect people's views /approach to marriage.
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If that was said it would make complete sense lol.

If a couple want a baby, but they are not interested in marriage I get that. Brangelinas set up was fine in my book because they were on the same page, I think they were both divorced.

I think when a couple intends to get married at some point, seeing marriage as too much pressure, but having a child not.. IDK. Some divorced people will never feel the same about marriage again, so making promises in advance isn't advised.

@Fine 4s: the OP touched on 3 main topics. Age, motherhood and marriage. You made comments about being fearful having a child with him in case he has less incentive to marry you after. If people some address the marriage topic you can't call "thread gone wild" as it is relevant to the discussion and WWYD. I also remember a post you made about this dudes attitude to marriage and you didn't seem pleased. He has his right to his reservations , but I just hope you're being honest with yourself about what you want.

If you both were A-OK with having a child out wedlock this thread wouldn't be made. You could have just forged on happily with the baby and wait plan. Whether to have baby first, or after marriage depends on a few things for me. How desperately you want a baby was a good question asked. Id only do it if having a baby was really important to me at that time more than anything else, or if I didn't believe in marriage/ truly didn't care.
 
I very recently found myself in this situation. He was always clear that did not want children and I was clear I wanted the option. I honestly tried to tell myself I would be ok never having children of my own and would be content with just a relationship. And then... I freaked out. I realized that if I never have a child, it would not be because I gave away my option to have one. I'm not convinced I want a child but I'm not convinced I don't want one either. I understand time is not on my side and the flipside i will need to to be open to routes to parenthood, including with/without/type of partner. I've just decided not to decide right now and it's the most at peace I've been about it.
 
@Sumra
I made a general statement about MEN in general not marrying after having a baby and I don't want to fall in that stat number.

You are 100% right about the fact that he's OK with an OOW child with an eventual marriage and I'm not so gung-ho about that timeline. The baby is not important to me at this time and may never be.

No worries @Sumra, I'm being honest with myself and working through it. I believe in this relationship.
 
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ArrrBeee said:
@Fine 4s

It sounds like it would be to your advantage to date multiple men and not limit your options.

I regret spending my early 40's dating one person who claimed to be marriage minded but really wasn't.
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This. IMO, exclusivity is an earned privilege. I've always advocated for women to openly date multiple men until one steps up to willing to give them what they want and need when they want and need it.
 
@daydreem2876
Honestly, I think that not caring either way is not particularly wanting one. Women that want a child KNOW. We can't know if we'll regret or not and for me having a baby just because I don't want to regret is not a good reason. I also think that I've partially figured it out but I'm not at peace. I struggle with accepting what my journey IS vs what it should be. That's when I compare myself to others. I should enjoy my own journey and learn to accept what is *shrug* I'm just repeating myself lol
 
ArrrBeee said:
It was my 1st post divorce relationship after a long and unfulfilling marriage. I never saw myself having kids with the ex for various reasons but with this guy it was different.

When I was able to clarify what I wanted and needed in a relationship, I realized he couldn't give me that. I kept believing words instead of actions. When a man is trying to build a kingdom with you, always check his actions and don't be afraid to walk away if you know in your heart that staying means settling.

I will probably not have kids and I really am okay with that because motherhood wasn't something I dreamed of all my life. With that being said, if I could go back, I would have dated multiple people. Going forward, I will not be exclusive with anyone until I have an engagement ring.
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That was my mistake. I'm in my 30's and I was ingrained that dating multiple men was whorish. I noticed it worked out well for many women ( marriage, kids) . I am a very loyal person and would ride it out until the wheels come off... I would of dated more people who were marriage minded if I had the choice to rewind
 
complete waste of time...the mere fact that a woman is with a man who is not on the same page with her is alarming...at any age

two people have to be on the same page with a relationship. that's it. its simple.

its one thing to be a single woman, want a baby and opt to adopt or etc
but its a total other situation to be in a relationship with a man and YOUR WANTS are not on the same page with his wants!

women are interesting, we sit, we wait, we waste our time, our patience etc

OVER my dead body!!!! you heard me...if Im not happy no one is..and my life speaks to happiness....

Belle Du Jour said:
Men know if the woman they are dating is the one they intend to marry, fairly early on. If you have been dating for over 1 year and marriage is not on the table and you have expressed your desire to marry and have kids, he is likely wasting your time. You both are at cross purposes. I completely understand wanting to have a child but for me, having a kid out of wedlock is not possible because of my faith (because I don't believe in premarital sex or artificial reproduction). It is a very hard spot to be in...I think you should have a frank conversation with him. Don't be afraid because it's better for you to know.

A childless woman I know who has been with a man for 20+ years told me that she did want to have kids. The guy just never married her. I looked at her like she was crazy. And this negro lives with her in her house. Waiting on a particular man beyond a reasonable time frame is one of the worst things women do and mess up their lives.
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LiftedUp said:
I'd go to a sperm bank if that was the case. I'm not an advocate for single parent households, but if I saw that window closing then that would be the step I'd take. I would less likely plan to have a baby with an SO.
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I said that I would do this if I didn't have a baby by a certain age. I'll be 40 this year, the above option is looking better. I have no prospects for a husband or a "good" boyfriend. So, I have to continue on with my life. Although, I'm not an advocate for the single parent household. I'm willing to jump in and do it.

As for the marriage piece, I guess I accepted that I may not get married. But I have not accepted being childless.
 
I got married and had the baby quickly for this same reason. If my DH and I hadn't married at the time we did, I'm not sure what I would have done, but I knew I wanted a kid.
 
If it's not too late, freeze your eggs. I don't know that 40 is a viable age to think about freezing but I've heard a few 30-35 year old discuss freezing their eggs.
A friend of a friend froze her eggs...but later went on to have 2 kids naturally so I doubt they use the frozen eggs. At least you will have the option, should you want biological kids later.

I know a few women who are considering being single moms on purpose. They know they want kids and don't have any husband prospects.
 
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