Why Won't He Marry You

[luckiestdestiny]

Royals are different from us mere mortals. She waited that extra year because the ring was guaranteed. He probably came back and put into motion things and rites that showed his intention Started her on the royal wifey course (How to officially conduct herself in public etc). Shoot, handlers started prepping for the wedding before he officially proposed.

Exactly. You know they had to go through a bunch of royal protocols to "prepare" just for the engagement. Better believe he announced his intentions to grandma and family and then proceeded to go through everything necessary for the engagement (and of course putting her through what you call the royal wifey course) too. So I'm sure she had no doubt of his intentions when she came back as she was whisked off to meet with grandma's approval and then on to finishing school, etc before the "official announcement (of which I'm sure there was an "unofficial" announcement to family well before)

 

[TwistedRoots]

War and the rehabilitation after said war are a huge difference when considering "waiting" time. Furthermore, lets be real...We are living in a completely different time from our parents and ESPECIALLY our grandparents generation. No offense @Kimbosheart, but you seemingly speak on biased opinions when every one you've formulated seems as though you're reasoning with your own situation. Bottom line only you know what best for you. Don't read into anything too much especially from women who don't know your situation. By no means am I saying it should only take a year or less than...I'm just not waiting 3+ for a guy to figure out if his maturity level is good enough or if I'm good enough for marriage ESPECIALLY if I'm playing the role(nah bruh). Not a guideline because there are always exceptions to any "rule" we as women just have to be logical enough to decipher between exceptions and excuses. Anyhow, I agree with @Crystalicequeen123 your thought process is very close to my own.

 

[Kimbosheart]

Good points Kimbo....

And in all honesty, I don't think anyone here is saying that if you get the ring w/in 1 year your marriage will last, and if you get the ring w/in 5 years your marriage is doomed for failure.... NO way... At least, I'm not saying that. Who can really tell HOW a marriage will turn out later on down the line? Nobody can foresee the future. Nobody.

I think what most women are more so encouraging is NOT wasting your TIME on a man who has no intentions of marrying you. THAT (imo) is the bigger message here.

Also, let's not forget that different circumstances may bring different things. For example, your story of your grandparents was sweet. I don't know how old they were when they met and eventually got married, but that may also play a part as well. I mean, look at the times back then. WAR is a HUGE deal! I'm not talking about a man who needs to postpone marriage because he is going to war and needs to come back and get stable before starting a family, etc. That's a completely different ballgame and much more legitimate reason to wait. No, I'm talking about the women who are too busy shacking up with Tyrone, living together for years, playing "wifey", or who have been dating for longer than 2 years w/out any type of future commitment in line.

I think in a LOT of cases the woman can sense deep down what is best for her. There may be two different paths, but if the woman is UNHAPPY, then THAT (imo) should be her guide. That should let her know that maybe staying in that relationship is not the best for her.

The main benefit is NOT wasting your most eligible years on a man who may have no intention of really settling down with YOU. THAT (imo) is the main benefit, and one of the reasons why Gisele was SMART to ditch Leo DiCaprio long time ago! Look, she probably would have still be "dating" Leo after all these years w/out a ring, and no babies. But she decided to jump ship (finally), and marry Tom Brady, and now she has children and a family. Again, it all depends on what the woman wants. If children in a wedlocked arrangement aren't important to a woman, or if she doesn't even want kids, then by all means, maybe she feels like she can take alll the time in the world to date a man until forever. But if she is like most women and wants children, a family, or heck...just wants to be MARRIED period, then imo I don't think she should waste too much of her time if things are going nowhere w/her dude. Women kind of know.

To the points bolded, Thank you so much for this response. This is what I have been trying to pull out of this conversation but I really do feel like the immediate response was wait 1 year. That is why my repeated questions on what is so magical about a year? The responses were "you don't waste your time," "you know he wants to marry you," "you just want to be married" --> but do those things guarantee happiness, that you won't need to find another ring down the line? Getting a proposal is absolutely not hard to do. Many women can get a man to propose in a relatively short time frame. But marriage should be about more than just wanting to be married for the status of Mrs.

I stated in my first post that I really believe it is about knowing yourself and good communication. Other than that..... it's all speculation - even about Kate and Will. As someone mentioned earlier, you will always be able to find out why someones situation is an "exception"

I also stated in my first post that I am ok with my situation and yes I do want to be married and have children, plenty of beautiful chocolate drop babies. OAN my grandma says she regrets waiting and she felt like an old maid, she was 26 or 27 when she married but at the time he asked her to wait she was in college. She dropped out and moved back home to wait on him. They were a great couple and the examples of marriage in my family are absolutely what I want in my life.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

War and the rehabilitation after said war are a huge difference when considering "waiting" time. Furthermore, lets be real...We are living in a completely different time from our parents and ESPECIALLY our grandparents generation. No offense @Kimbosheart, but you seemingly speak on biased opinions when every one you've formulated seems as though you're reasoning with your own situation. Bottom line only you know what best for you. Don't read into anything too much especially from women who don't know your situation. By no means am I saying it should only take a year or less than...I'm just not waiting 3+ for a guy to figure out if his maturity level is good enough or if I'm good enough for marriage ESPECIALLY if I'm playing the role(nah bruh). Not a guideline because there are always exceptions to any "rule" we as women just have to be logical enough to decipher between exceptions and excuses. Anyhow, I agree with @Crystalicequeen123 your thought process is very close to my own.

Right...I think we're right here >.<

To the points bolded, Thank you so much for this response. This is what I have been trying to pull out of this conversation but I really do feel like the immediate response was wait 1 year. That is why my repeated questions on what is so magical about a year? The responses were "you don't waste your time," "you know he wants to marry you," "you just want to be married" --> but do those things guarantee happiness, that you won't need to find another ring down the line? Getting a proposal is absolutely not hard to do. Many women can get a man to propose in a relatively short time frame. But marriage should be about more than just wanting to be married for the status of Mrs.

I stated in my first post that I really believe it is about knowing yourself and good communication. Other than that..... it's all speculation - even about Kate and Will. As someone mentioned earlier, you will always be able to find out why someones situation is an "exception"

I also stated in my first post that I am ok with my situation and yes I do want to be married and have children, plenty of beautiful chocolate drop babies. OAN my grandma says she regrets waiting and she felt like an old maid, she was 26 or 27 when she married but at the time he asked her to wait she was in college. She dropped out and moved back home to wait on him. They were a great couple and the examples of marriage in my family are absolutely what I want in my life.

Yea you really do have to know what is right for YOU. Nobody can tell you personally what is best for you. I think most are in agreement however that it doesn't take men as long as women *THINK* it takes for them to know when they've found "The One". Like I said in my other analogy, if I want a flat-screen TV...I may do a LOT of research and weighing of the costs to make sure I choose the right one. It may take time. It may even take many many MONTHS to figure out which flat screen TV is best for me. But usually if I want that item, it's not going to take me 3+ years to buy a flat-screen TV...

If you are happy in your relationship and you don't have any reservations about waiting however, then by all means, do what works for YOU in your situation and your time in your life. I don't even know how old you are....you could be really young for all I know...so of course age is also a factor in how some women view marriage. Like I mentioned earlier, I wasn't even thinking too much about marriage when was 23 years old. But now that I'm older, my views are different....I know myself much more, I'm more mature, I know what I want and DON'T want in a mate, and I think I have learned to let a lot of things slide, whereas in the past I was more "anxious" or "on edge" and demanding. I'm more comfortable and content w/myself and my life, so therefore I'm not looking to a man to fulfill me. A man's opinion doesn't determine my self-worth anymore. So that's why I can take it or leave it if a man isn't meshed well with me. I'm not afraid of saying "goodbye" if it's not working out. Whereas, in the past I was. I still have things to work on (just like everyone), but thanks to the CITO program I have learned to be MUCH more open (less fearful) and receptive when it comes to finding love.

You sound very happy in your relationship. So you don't have to feel like because of this board he should be putting a ring on it tomorrow. Only you know what you and your bf have worked out for the future. I think most ladies were just advising against making sure that women aren't wasting their time w/dudes who are not giving them what they want after a REASONABLE amount of time.

 

[Kimbosheart]

nevermind.... thank you ladies for the discussion

 

[movingforward13]

Yea you really do have to know what is right for YOU. Nobody can tell you personally what is best for you. I think most are in agreement however that it doesn't take men as long as women *THINK* it takes for them to know when they've found "The One". Like I said in my other analogy, if I want a flat-screen TV...I may do a LOT of research and weighing of the costs to make sure I choose the right one. It may take time. It may even take many many MONTHS to figure out which flat screen TV is best for me. But usually if I want that item, it's not going to take me 3+ years to buy a flat-screen TV...

I use to hate this analogy because we women aren't things, sitting on a shelf and waiting for an owner but you are absolutely correct in the thought process.

So basically a woman should be looking for a man who is seeking marriage (if she in fact wants marriage herself). Doesn't mean that he will marry her- he has to do good research and etc. but his desires are to be married so he isn't going to date to waste time.
A man who doesn't know what he wants is going to waste time. Either his or someone else's.

Regarding the whole year thing- it gets harder to detach from someone whom has been in your life for a long period of time. At my age, I would not be in a relationship over a year for a man who doesn't know. Not saying we need to get engaged within the first year we date but by the end of the first year, I need to know where this is heading. I have heard excuses, I have heard my friends' guys excuses and all of it is just painful. I have no problem waiting for valid reasons. But I can't think of a valid reason that would have me waiting two years or more and he is still saying wait... Wait for what? And I would not be happy in a relationship that wasn't progressing.

That said - my rules for me are my rules for me. I don't want any woman on here or in person to feel bad because her man didn't pop the question after 6 months and is still saying "wait" or "I don't know" at 1.5 years. I do believe though that if a woman is wondering why he hasn't proposed, then she should have a candid talk with him about the direction of their relationship and she needs be honest with herself about what his actions are showing, not what his mouth is saying.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I use to hate this analogy because we women aren't things, sitting on a shelf and waiting for an owner but you are absolutely correct in the thought process.

So basically a woman should be looking for a man who is seeking marriage (if she in fact wants marriage herself). Doesn't mean that he will marry her- he has to do good research and etc. but his desires are to be married so he isn't going to date to waste time.
A man who doesn't know what he wants is going to waste time. Either his or someone else's.

Regarding the whole year thing- it gets harder to detach from someone whom has been in your life for a long period of time. At my age, I would not be in a relationship over a year for a man who doesn't know. Not saying we need to get engaged within the first year we date but by the end of the first year, I need to know where this is heading. I have heard excuses, I have heard my friends' guys excuses and all of it is just painful. I have no problem waiting for valid reasons. But I can't think of a valid reason that would have me waiting two years or more and he is still saying wait... Wait for what? And I would not be happy in a relationship that wasn't progressing.

That said - my rules for me are my rules for me. I don't want any woman on here or in person to feel bad because her man didn't pop the question after 6 months and is still saying "wait" or "I don't know" at 1.5 years. I do believe though that if a woman is wondering why he hasn't proposed, then she should have a candid talk with him about the direction of their relationship and she needs be honest with herself about what his actions are showing, not what his mouth is saying.

BINGO... exactly... That's pretty much it in a nutshell!

And I think that each woman knows for HERSELF what she can and cannot accept in a relationship, and she will adjust accordingly depending on which relationship she finds herself in at the moment.

Take for example my ex-roommate. She's a lot older than me (she's 38), very attractive, super fun woman, but she KNEW she wanted to be married. She had been single for about 4 years raising her pre-adolescent daughter, and although she had been married before, she knew she wanted to be married again and she wasn't going to waste her time.

She started dating a few guys, but each guy wasn't really her type or the right one for her. But then, she met her fiance last year, and I'm telling you....at the end of their first date she was already asking him: "So....just to make sure I know where we stand...are we just going out as friends, or more...I just want to make sure we're on the same page...". That's when her fiance confirmed that he was "VERY attracted to her" and didn't want to just be "friends". At first, I thought it was kind of pre-mature for her to come out and just flat out ask that, but now I see the reasoning behind her actions!!!

I honestly think men "know" early on too when they feel serious about a woman. Her fiance said that before he met her he had this whole long list of what he was looking for in a wife (clue #1: he was already marriage-minded ), but that when he met her that fateful day, he said that his list went RIGHT OUT the window. (Here's a clue that men will go after what they want even if you weren't what they were originally looking for)

I think by month 6 they were already talking marriage, and although they did things pretty quickly (might be a little too quick for my taste), they're going to be married in a few months and everything has moved at an even pace. They met through mutual friends in Feb. of last year, started dating in June/July, and then got engaged and will be married in about a couple of months. Now THAT is fast!

I personally would want to be dating a guy for at least a year before I accept an engagement.....But her experience just tells me that she as a single mother in her late 30s didn't have time to waste. She also let him know during the course of their relationship whether some of the things he was doing was working for her or not. I swear she almost broke up with him like 4 times over minor stuff lol! He's been "trained well" now lol...and he's the perfect bf. She is SO happy.

I just look at her experience as an example because I know back in the day I used to be afraid to really question a guy and his motives/intentions, feeling like I didn't want to mess things up. But now that I'm older? Ha! You best better believe I'm going to question what it is we're doing from jump lol I already wasted my precious good youthful years in my mid-late 20s on some lousy dude for 4 years and he ended up marrying someone else (smh...), I am not making that mistake again. I'm too old for that now lol

 

[MzLady78]

I think what most women are more so encouraging is NOT wasting your TIME on a man who has no intentions of marrying you. THAT (imo) is the bigger message here.

I'm not even gonna try to pretend I've never been there. And I will say it upsets me more when I think back on those situations than failed actual relationships that didn't work out.