Why Won't He Marry You
- Thread starter movingforward13
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Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
I think we are talking past each other. Perhaps this helps. It's not that he doesn't know if he wants to marry you. That a man knows within months, like I said above.
Wants to marry you and will marry you.
The thing I'm talking about is that it may take more than 12 months for him to be ready for marriage to you. And that to me is the run in for problems.
Someone mentioned above looking at the stages of a relationship and I agree. I think it would be to your detriment to force someone to be ready for marriage and all that entails on a 12 month timeline. And if you know that he is your guy and he wants to marry you (not waiting for something better, you're not having his kids out of wedlock, you aren't living together to his benefit) then why rush him to take on that responsibility on your timeline?
Some men find the woman after they have decided they are ready, some men get ready fast and seal the deal. Some people in general who want marriage and children will still take their time to actually get married.
If you can't give him that freedom to get ready in his time, how are you going to deal with the other challenges that will come up during the marriage? Read the married ladies thread you have to give men some freedom to figure basic things out on their own.
All that said I agree with the article. Especially when he refutes the why you'll never be "ready" but your man has to decide that for himself. And so do you. If I'm already impatient and selfish and making this go on my schedule that also doesn't bode well for me as a mother and wife who's roles by definition require a ton of selflessness.
ETA: i tried to catch typos but I'm on my iPhone
Wants to marry you and will marry you.
The thing I'm talking about is that it may take more than 12 months for him to be ready for marriage to you. And that to me is the run in for problems.
Someone mentioned above looking at the stages of a relationship and I agree. I think it would be to your detriment to force someone to be ready for marriage and all that entails on a 12 month timeline. And if you know that he is your guy and he wants to marry you (not waiting for something better, you're not having his kids out of wedlock, you aren't living together to his benefit) then why rush him to take on that responsibility on your timeline?
Some men find the woman after they have decided they are ready, some men get ready fast and seal the deal. Some people in general who want marriage and children will still take their time to actually get married.
If you can't give him that freedom to get ready in his time, how are you going to deal with the other challenges that will come up during the marriage? Read the married ladies thread you have to give men some freedom to figure basic things out on their own.
All that said I agree with the article. Especially when he refutes the why you'll never be "ready" but your man has to decide that for himself. And so do you. If I'm already impatient and selfish and making this go on my schedule that also doesn't bode well for me as a mother and wife who's roles by definition require a ton of selflessness.
ETA: i tried to catch typos but I'm on my iPhone
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
its unclear to me what, exactly, he could be waiting on that im supposed to hang around for. but i guess it doesnt really matter cause im not about that life.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
My ex husband did this. I was upfront with wanting marriage when we met 7 years ago. He played the role and let me do everything.... The only thing he did was buy the ring - spent $500 at Macy's. Said he would upgrade it when he found a better job.
Once he got the six figure job, he forgot about me and went after the chick he really wanted. Two weeks after our wedding, found out he was cheating. NEVER AGAIN.
The actions mean more than the words to me and the man has to initiate just about everything. There are men out here that will play the role if they are comfortable til the chick they really want comes. I learned- I let my expectations be known upfront and wait for him to do something. If he doesn't, then I keep it moving.
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movingforward13
I do what I want...
I completely agree. I learned that same lesson too. Many guys out here are just looking to pass time. Will string you along with your feelings, hopes and wishes, then will jump ship when the girl they really want comes.
This is why I require any guy I date to do the work and show me he is serious. Otherwise, I don't have the time to waste.
luckiestdestiny
Well-Known Member
I was going to type a whole speal but well said @movingforward13 to both posts. Perfect example of why it's important to find the one who is into you in obvious ways from the beginning. Sorry to hear what happened with your ex but now that you know, I'm sure you're going to find a guy who shows it because you won't settle for less.
You shouldn't have to beg a guy to marry you, whine about marriage, or convince him to in my opinion. The right guy goes out of his way for you in very real ways. One can just quietly observe and act accordingly (date others, phase someone out who isn't meant to be, etc) until they find the guy who knows how to treat and pursue the woman he loves.
You shouldn't have to beg a guy to marry you, whine about marriage, or convince him to in my opinion. The right guy goes out of his way for you in very real ways. One can just quietly observe and act accordingly (date others, phase someone out who isn't meant to be, etc) until they find the guy who knows how to treat and pursue the woman he loves.
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Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
^^ALL of this!!!!!
The difference IS like night and day when it's a guy who is SERIOUSLY into you and WANTS a marital commitment, and one who is just lukewarm/passing the time/waiting for an upgrade/is not ready for marriage,etc and just spending time with you because you're cute and fun to hang out with. I can't stress this enough. I had the experience of seeing what it looks like when two different guys have two different levels of interest, and the difference was astonishing.
I had to learn the hard way as well....that guys will just spend time w/you and some won't even be truly into you.
#neveragain
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
I can only speak from my experience. Once you are dating with marriage in mind, you will develop a timeline.
DH pursued me for 3 1/2 years before I agreed to go on a date with him. He pushed to be exclusive after only a few months, not me since I was dating others. He brought up marriage after 4 months. We were ring shopping at 8 months and engaged after 11 months. DH was in long term relationships before me but never married. A man knows when he wants to make a woman his wife versus just his #1 of multiple women.
Whenever this topic comes up I think about this guy who I met at a party some years ago who had FIVE kids with his live-in girlfriend. They were planning an out of state move and I asked why he hadn't married her. She wasn't there and was probably home with the kids. He said some nonsense about her need to prove herself. I wanted to slap the crap out of him.
DH pursued me for 3 1/2 years before I agreed to go on a date with him. He pushed to be exclusive after only a few months, not me since I was dating others. He brought up marriage after 4 months. We were ring shopping at 8 months and engaged after 11 months. DH was in long term relationships before me but never married. A man knows when he wants to make a woman his wife versus just his #1 of multiple women.
Whenever this topic comes up I think about this guy who I met at a party some years ago who had FIVE kids with his live-in girlfriend. They were planning an out of state move and I asked why he hadn't married her. She wasn't there and was probably home with the kids. He said some nonsense about her need to prove herself. I wanted to slap the crap out of him.
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TwistedRoots
Back2Life Back2ReLaxer!
I debated a couple of days about responding to this thread... I wholeheartedly agree with his assessment. Frankly, I think women make up excuses for why they aren't married and in some sense make things okay as to why they aren't.
Example, my fiance and I were dining at a restaurant that was ridiculously crowded so we ended up sitting at a bar. A woman and a man were sitting next to us they were having so much fun and seemed extremely comfortable with each other. She and I started up a conversation about hair
y'all know its a natural thing (this was before I did the second big chop). Anyhow, she noticed my ring and asked how long we had been together it had been about 7 months at the time( he proposed at 5) she said "Wow and you guys are already engaged" the SO chimed in and said "Yea I knew after the first week that I never wanted to spend another day without her and told her from that point on that she was going to be my wife. He said he only waited 5 months because he didn't want to scare me off. We asked her and she shyly said 5 years and she looked so disheartened...Yet said something along the lines of marriage not really being that big of a deal to her that they were happy as is. Her SO says "That's right I don't have to validate our love with a ring." 
Her face said something completely different. My fiance said, "To each his own, but as a God fearing man how could I not?" Her SO-"Right on my brother you have your views and I have mine"... needless to say they left shortly after the fun seemed to be gone.
My point is many women have made themselves okay with the status quo they stay just for the sake of not being alone despite their hearts desires. No, there is no timeline on marriage but why speak on it and not make a move? I understand being in your youth and having a hard time committing, but after 27+ years... Come on...You can't tell me that anyone is okay with just speaking of marriage and not taking the steps towards and becoming that. A trend I've seen is that women refuse to "prep" a man and leave him for someone else to come and reap the benefits of all she had to endure. Waiting for all that potential will leave you years down the line wondering why did I stay. I just can't let a man take all of my "good years" leaving me in limbo.
Example, my fiance and I were dining at a restaurant that was ridiculously crowded so we ended up sitting at a bar. A woman and a man were sitting next to us they were having so much fun and seemed extremely comfortable with each other. She and I started up a conversation about hair
y'all know its a natural thing (this was before I did the second big chop). Anyhow, she noticed my ring and asked how long we had been together it had been about 7 months at the time( he proposed at 5) she said "Wow and you guys are already engaged" the SO chimed in and said "Yea I knew after the first week that I never wanted to spend another day without her and told her from that point on that she was going to be my wife. He said he only waited 5 months because he didn't want to scare me off. We asked her and she shyly said 5 years and she looked so disheartened...Yet said something along the lines of marriage not really being that big of a deal to her that they were happy as is. Her SO says "That's right I don't have to validate our love with a ring." Her face said something completely different. My fiance said, "To each his own, but as a God fearing man how could I not?" Her SO-"Right on my brother you have your views and I have mine"... needless to say they left shortly after the fun seemed to be gone. My point is many women have made themselves okay with the status quo they stay just for the sake of not being alone despite their hearts desires. No, there is no timeline on marriage but why speak on it and not make a move? I understand being in your youth and having a hard time committing, but after 27+ years... Come on...You can't tell me that anyone is okay with just speaking of marriage and not taking the steps towards and becoming that. A trend I've seen is that women refuse to "prep" a man and leave him for someone else to come and reap the benefits of all she had to endure. Waiting for all that potential will leave you years down the line wondering why did I stay. I just can't let a man take all of my "good years" leaving me in limbo.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Thank you for posting.... Your post "spoke to me" and my particular situation, so I really appreciate that you did. My SO is asking me to provide him links of the kind of ring I would like... He says he knows, he is ready and he would like us to be engaged before the year is out (which will be 9-10 months since we started dating). The more I read and read, it seems that most men know early (once they have their ish together).
cocomochaa
Well-Known Member
she did actually in 2007. They had been living together then they broke up apparently because he was stringing her along. I worked in PR at the time and she had gotten herself an agency, a hard working publicist and was out and about at events all the time during this 'break'.
TwistedRoots
Back2Life Back2ReLaxer!
Honey you better believe they know! Ill tell you like my best told me "Who are you to tell that man he's not ready to be married?" I had a nervous excitement. I prayed about it and put it in Gods Hands. Bells will ring December 2015 about 2 years to to the date that we met. Congrats in advance ;-)
pretty much....slow clap in agreement!!!!! 
I debated a couple of days about responding to this thread... I wholeheartedly agree with his assessment. Frankly, I think women make up excuses for why they aren't married and in some sense make things okay as to why they aren't.
Example, my fiance and I were dining at a restaurant that was ridiculously crowded so we ended up sitting at a bar. A woman and a man were sitting next to us they were having so much fun and seemed extremely comfortable with each other. She and I started up a conversation about hair
My point is many women have made themselves okay with the status quo they stay just for the sake of not being alone despite their hearts desires. No, there is no timeline on marriage but why speak on it and not make a move? I understand being in your youth and having a hard time committing, but after 27+ years... Come on...You can't tell me that anyone is okay with just speaking of marriage and not taking the steps towards and becoming that. A trend I've seen is that women refuse to "prep" a man and leave him for someone else to come and reap the benefits of all she had to endure. Waiting for all that potential will leave you years down the line wondering why did I stay. I just can't let a man take all of my "good years" leaving me in limbo.
UmSumayyah
Well-Known Member
Thank you. I'm not interested in staying around for any man who thinks he can string me along because he's so great I should be grateful to have him. Not even a prince.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Ruby True
Well-Known Member
MuziqizLyfe
Well-Known Member
I think this is part of the problem. Society now places such an emphasis on "relationships " that you have both men and women playing hubby and wife without the true commitment and sacrifice of marriage. I'm talking years of investing yourself as a woman to a man whose your "boyfriend "....it just doesn't make sense but it's become the norm. Honestly I think that has done more to harm marriage than free cookie.
Sex is and always will be obtainable for men...you are naive and fooling yourself if you think otherwise. But having a woman faithful and devoted to you that you don't even have to marry?? That is something else and it's so easy for a man to get these days. All he has to do is call you his girlfriend and these days that title includes but is not limited to: companionship,cooking,cleaning,sexing,fidelity, a couple of kids, gifts, and ride or die support. Its no wonder men don't feel the pressure when they can get pretend wives for YEARS.
Lilmama1011
Well-Known Member
I feel like I fit in the men part of this article. I'm the one who is keeping us from moving forward
movingforward13
I do what I want...
If I man thinks you are the one, you don't have to ask. He will demonstrate with his actions.
This guy you are talking about.... All he does is call you everyday? That is keeping you on a string and interested.
You have to ask yourself what has he done for you? What effort has he put into your relationship? Does he speak about your future? Does he talk about marrying you? Will he stop having sex with you to practice restraint and show you that he wants more than your body? Is he himself together- emotionally, financially, and mentally?
There is a game that men (and women) play. They don't want anything serious with you, but they want the benefits that you provide. So when you back off, they come full force to recapture your attention and waste time. When you get too attached, they back off. It creates a pull/push effect, which leaves you emotionally disoriented and confused. Trust me, if his ideal woman came into his life tomorrow, he would disappear.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Completely correct.
Ruby True
Well-Known Member
Thinking about I agree we haven't colored together since last year. I am waiting on the gesture and the action. I discussed with my girlfriends we agreed until he starts wanting to spend time with me and discussing 'us' and wanting to be with me then I'm out but because of work we can still be friends thanks
very well said you have women playing wife roles in gf status or not even a title..im talking full blown together for yrsssss....in our community that has effed up the game...if your a gf be a gf play that role..if you have no damn title...move on to the man that is okay with the correct title you deserve.. a wife!!!!
other races of ppl still value marriage and it is a must as a next step...i told someone the other day my single male friend, who the hell is bragging about being someone's boyfriend, men of a certain caliber prefer the title of husband and father, you out here living the boyfriend life good luck with that..he is very successful..fine as heck, running thru the women in ny/harlem and states he wants to settle down...but the successful blk, yt, maria, ming women he meets are sleeping with him on the same damn night...and playing the dedicated gf role..it prompts him to not even be about marriage as he is getting all the benefits and then some from these women..i know a lot of very successful men on both coasts and its the same thing...women doing everything a wife would and ya not even his only chick...he is not committed to you and he has not discussed exclusivity in the manner in which you would like, why entertain a **** like that
other races of ppl still value marriage and it is a must as a next step...i told someone the other day my single male friend, who the hell is bragging about being someone's boyfriend, men of a certain caliber prefer the title of husband and father, you out here living the boyfriend life good luck with that..he is very successful..fine as heck, running thru the women in ny/harlem and states he wants to settle down...but the successful blk, yt, maria, ming women he meets are sleeping with him on the same damn night...and playing the dedicated gf role..it prompts him to not even be about marriage as he is getting all the benefits and then some from these women..i know a lot of very successful men on both coasts and its the same thing...women doing everything a wife would and ya not even his only chick...he is not committed to you and he has not discussed exclusivity in the manner in which you would like, why entertain a **** like that
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
I debated a couple of days about responding to this thread... I wholeheartedly agree with his assessment. Frankly, I think women make up excuses for why they aren't married and in some sense make things okay as to why they aren't.
Example, my fiance and I were dining at a restaurant that was ridiculously crowded so we ended up sitting at a bar. A woman and a man were sitting next to us they were having so much fun and seemed extremely comfortable with each other. She and I started up a conversation about hair
My point is many women have made themselves okay with the status quo they stay just for the sake of not being alone despite their hearts desires. No, there is no timeline on marriage but why speak on it and not make a move? I understand being in your youth and having a hard time committing, but after 27+ years... Come on...You can't tell me that anyone is okay with just speaking of marriage and not taking the steps towards and becoming that. A trend I've seen is that women refuse to "prep" a man and leave him for someone else to come and reap the benefits of all she had to endure. Waiting for all that potential will leave you years down the line wondering why did I stay. I just can't let a man take all of my "good years" leaving me in limbo.
@TwistedRoots Thank you SO much for sharing your experience.
It basically confirmed what I already thought about men... MOST of them know pretty early on whether they can see you in their life long-term (ie. Marriage), and if they just can't. It's a tough sad pill to swallow, but that's the truth of the matter. This is also another reason why I have decided to let men be MEN and pursue ME.
In the past I used to think that it didn't really matter who went after who or who initiated things to get "the ball rolling" so-to-speak, but over time (and failed relationships) I have found that it is just simply BETTER to let the man do most (if not ALL) of the aggressive pursuing. Not only will you know that the guy is TRULY into you, but you will also have the satisfaction of feeling a little more "secure" in your relationship. All I have to do is look pretty, put my best foot forward, be nice, smell nice, and if I catch a guy's eye, then he will find a way to make it known if he's really 1) interested 2) available and 3) "ready" for a relationship.
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
And IMO this was one of the BEST things Dutchess Kate did.
SHE broke up with HIM. I think that then (and ONLY then) did he start to view her as potential "wife material". Before that incident, he felt like he could have his cake and eat it too. She was just like all the "other girls" he had dated before and were enamored with him being a Prince. Kate said something different. She said, I don't care if you're the next King of England, I love ME more than I love you, and I'm going to do what is best for ME. Girl you are SO right! It's this "ride-or-die" mentality that is probably hurting more women in uncommitted relationships than the free sex is to be honest. You're right, men can get sexual needs fulfilled ANYWHERE, but it's this cooking, cleaning, house-wifing, living together but no ring situation that has become "the norm" (honestly, I don't know why) that is killing the marital arrangement. That coupled w/the fact that people just don't even view marriage seriously anymore.
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
Are all marriages that took longer than a year from start of dating to the engagement in worse shape than those where the man knew right away?
Plus, I think technically, Kate got back together with Will within a few months and then still had to wait more than a year for her ring from him.http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukn...lliam-and-Kate-Middletons-modern-romance.html
Again, not saying I don't agree with the fact that men know right away or even that women settle in relationships (they settle in marriage too). Just wondering where this discussion is leading to or are these random observations. I mean, what is really the benefit of him asking you within a year or not? What does that get you? Before we advise young ladies to observe a one year rule
For example: My grandpa knew he wanted to marry my grandma but asked her to wait for him while he went to war (WWII) and then off to Chicago to get a job. They were together until he passed. But she waited 5 yrs for her ring from him. My mom and dad on the other hand got married within 2 years while she was still in college and stayed together until his death. 2 different paces but both successful enduring relationships.
Plus, I think technically, Kate got back together with Will within a few months and then still had to wait more than a year for her ring from him.http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukn...lliam-and-Kate-Middletons-modern-romance.html
Again, not saying I don't agree with the fact that men know right away or even that women settle in relationships (they settle in marriage too). Just wondering where this discussion is leading to or are these random observations. I mean, what is really the benefit of him asking you within a year or not? What does that get you? Before we advise young ladies to observe a one year rule
For example: My grandpa knew he wanted to marry my grandma but asked her to wait for him while he went to war (WWII) and then off to Chicago to get a job. They were together until he passed. But she waited 5 yrs for her ring from him. My mom and dad on the other hand got married within 2 years while she was still in college and stayed together until his death. 2 different paces but both successful enduring relationships.
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
Good points Kimbo....
And in all honesty, I don't think anyone here is saying that if you get the ring w/in 1 year your marriage will last, and if you get the ring w/in 5 years your marriage is doomed for failure....
NO way... At least, I'm not saying that. Who can really tell HOW a marriage will turn out later on down the line? Nobody can foresee the future. Nobody. I think what most women are more so encouraging is NOT wasting your TIME on a man who has no intentions of marrying you. THAT (imo) is the bigger message here.
Also, let's not forget that different circumstances may bring different things. For example, your story of your grandparents was sweet.
I don't know how old they were when they met and eventually got married, but that may also play a part as well. I mean, look at the times back then. WAR is a HUGE deal! I'm not talking about a man who needs to postpone marriage because he is going to war and needs to come back and get stable before starting a family, etc. That's a completely different ballgame and much more legitimate reason to wait. No, I'm talking about the women who are too busy shacking up with Tyrone, living together for years, playing "wifey", or who have been dating for longer than 2 years w/out any type of future commitment in line. I think in a LOT of cases the woman can sense deep down what is best for her.
There may be two different paths, but if the woman is UNHAPPY, then THAT (imo) should be her guide. That should let her know that maybe staying in that relationship is not the best for her. The main benefit is NOT wasting your most eligible years on a man who may have no intention of really settling down with YOU. THAT (imo) is the main benefit, and one of the reasons why Gisele was SMART to ditch Leo DiCaprio long time ago! Look, she probably would have still be "dating" Leo after all these years w/out a ring, and no babies. But she decided to jump ship (finally), and marry Tom Brady, and now she has children and a family.
Again, it all depends on what the woman wants. If children in a wedlocked arrangement aren't important to a woman, or if she doesn't even want kids, then by all means, maybe she feels like she can take alll the time in the world to date a man until forever. But if she is like most women and wants children, a family, or heck...just wants to be MARRIED period, then imo I don't think she should waste too much of her time if things are going nowhere w/her dude. Women kind of know.
cocomochaa
Well-Known Member
Royals are different from us mere mortals. She waited that extra year because the ring was guaranteed. He probably came back and put into motion things and rites that showed his intention.Started her on the royal wifey course (How to officially conduct herself in public etc). Shoot, handlers started prepping for the wedding before he officially proposed.
Waiting 5 years from 20 is different waiting 5 years from 25+ if you are ready to be married. If a guy wants to marry you and he is 32 he won't wait 5 years knowing full well that's what you want. It's a greater risk to wait all those years for something that may not happen and end up having wasted it.
I know 2 women recently who waited for the ring: 1) 7 years and then he broke up with her when she was 33, engaged another woman 4 months later. 2) my colleague's bestie - together 8 years, he proposed last year, wedding scheduled for May 15. He pretty much pulled the plug last week after his stag-do citing "i need more time" and only proposed because he figured they'd been together awhile and it was the thing to do.
I think 2 years is sufficient to discern whether this person is a life partner
