40+, Unmarried And You Want A Baby?

If you don't see you guys marrying in a couple of years, then why the heck are you with him? I am assuming that you want to be married. When I was dating, it was to get married. So I didn't really give my time to dudes that were not marriage minded. I had already dated for fun in my 20's and ready to go to the next step.

I didn't want to have kids before marriage, but that was my preference.
How and when you have a baby is ultimately up to you, and only you can determine what is going to be best for you.
 
Well, IMO, right or wrong, if I really really wanted a baby, and I was mentally and financially prepared, I would have a baby:look:. We can get married at 50, 60 and on. But that window shuts on us by early 40's, never to open again. Of course you can adopt. But if you want the experience of being pregnant and having a baby and are ready, I say go for it. All of the educated and employed black women I know who have had children without marriage seem very happy and are good moms. It is one of the greatest experiences a woman can have. But be very careful in choosing the father.
 
OP, it sounds like you and SO have different goals in the relationship, and that's never a good thing IMHO. have you spoken to him about your desires to marry and have children?...if you have and he is not about that, maybe you should re-evaluate why you are staying with him. Life is short OP and you must go for what you want/believe will make you live a fulfilled life, your best life.

All the best OP.
 
I think for your particular circumstances it would make the most sense to date a marriage minded man who would want to walk down the aisle within a short period of time so that you could conceive your child in a circumstance you'd be comfortable with.

Hell, I'm not even in your age bracket and my outlook is I'm dating for marriage, it's all about values, compatibility and most importantly, weather "his light is on" as Miranda so aptly put it on sex and the city.
 
Although I mentioned SO, it's more a general question for people in my situation.
It seems like one would have to rush the dating process at least IMO.

@YesToHair! We talked about a baby in the next couple of years but we both feel like marriage before the baby is rushing because of various things in our lives. He's been married before too. He'd be more apt to have a baby and marry later. But what's the incentive to marry me after I have a baby? It seems risky to me.

@hopeful As for a baby, I don't know if I really really want one which is yet another reason this is a silly dilemma because why make plans or worry about something I'm not sold on? It seems more of a fantasy. I want the option, and the option to do it the best way possible. I don't want to do the work of raising a child let alone without the father around to help. I think babies are cute and would fulfill that sense of "family" that I crave. But do I deeply want to be a mother, I don't think so.

@BlackMasterPiece - the marriage in a short period of time also feels risky to me.

@RocStar - marriage is more important to me IF I have a baby. Otherwise I can wait.

Been thinking about this lately and had to just throw it out there, see what thoughts ya'll have.
Three of my close friends are in the same boat but they don't seem to worry about it...at all. One is single, no baby, the other single but wants a baby like yesterday and the other is in a relationship but not ready for marriage and 50/50 on a baby. But he's clear he wants marriage sooner rather than later but she doesn't feel ready.
 
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As for a baby, I don't know if I really really want one which is yet another reason this is a silly dilemma because why make plans or worry about something I'm not sold on? It seems more of a fantasy. I want the option, and the option to do it the best way possible. I don't want to do the work of raising a child let alone without the father around to help. I think babies are cute and would fulfill that sense of "family" that I crave. But do I deeply want to be a mother, I don't think so.
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All of your options will have some degree of risk OP that's just life.

I wouldn't just have a baby because time is running out. If your relationship with your SO is good and he actually does want marriage but not right now, why not enjoy being with him and look at other parenting options later. Does your SO want to marry again OP? He seems unsure but you very clearly want it.

Still your other choice sounds like having a baby you don't really want and then feeling unfulfilled because you're not married and really desire that.

In your position I would probably enjoy my relationship and then if I wanted kids after we married and it was too late I'd adopt.
 
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I know folks want things perfect and all before marrying, but if I want a baby with him, he wants a baby with me and we are marriage before baby kind of people and want to marry each other, then to the courthouse we go. We can do perfect wedding, living situation, etc later. My clock isn't going to wait for perfect circumstances to get married then have kids.

However, if we weren't marriage before babies kinds of people, then I would do it. Yes, you risk him not marrying you later, but you two have the baby you want and you can start working on daddy number 2 post haste. lol.

I certainly wouldn't want to be one of those women who pined for kids, think it's my duty to create a child and not. I empathize with y'all who do.
 
@londontresses
Agreed, having a baby because time is running out is not what I want either. We talked about destination wedding, JOP because he knows I want to be married eventually but it's not a priority for him.

@intellectualuva I can see your first scenario happening with us.
Scenario #2 scenario is also another option Let'sjust say that I'm grateful men marry women who have children by other men :)
 
Fine 4s said:
I don't see my SO and I getting married anytime soon but my BIO clock is ringing loudly. What comes first, baby before marriage? I'm thinking that may be my life path. I've heard that the chance of a couple getting married after a baby drops significantly and it makes me a little sad. Do you only date men that are willing to marry and have a baby in 1-2 years? How is this suppose to work?!!
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Men know if the woman they are dating is the one they intend to marry, fairly early on. If you have been dating for over 1 year and marriage is not on the table and you have expressed your desire to marry and have kids, he is likely wasting your time. You both are at cross purposes. I completely understand wanting to have a child but for me, having a kid out of wedlock is not possible because of my faith (because I don't believe in premarital sex or artificial reproduction). It is a very hard spot to be in...I think you should have a frank conversation with him. Don't be afraid because it's better for you to know.

A childless woman I know who has been with a man for 20+ years told me that she did want to have kids. The guy just never married her. I looked at her like she was crazy. And this negro lives with her in her house. Waiting on a particular man beyond a reasonable time frame is one of the worst things women do and mess up their lives.
 
@LiftedUp What would make you do the sperm bank route over the SO?

@Belle Du Jour reasonable amount of time is the million dollar question! I'm not in a rush to get married without a child around. That's the driving reason for me today.

It will all work out...
 
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Fine 4s said:
@LiftedUp What would make you do the sperm bank route over the SO?

@Belle Du Jour reasonable amount of time is the million dollar question! I'm not in a rush to get married without a child around. That's the driving reason for me today.

It will all work out...
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As a woman over 30, IMO reasonable is 1-2 years. If he has not broached the subject, skirts around the topic, etc, you are wasting your time. Everyone will say they know that ONE PERSON who supposedly got their happily ever after while waiting for 50-11 years but that is not the norm.

Now, I'm not saying your guy is bad, but he may not be ready for marriage and children. Again, not saying that in and of itself is bad. HOWEVER, if you want those things you two are not on the same track. I recommend reading or listening to the Amazing Development of Men. It goes through their stages of development. You cannot force a man to be what you want him to be. What you can do is let him go to meet a man who IS ready. The alternative is to just let him be and wait...roll the dice. Personally I wouldn't do that with my good years and fertility.
 
Fine 4s said:
I don't see my SO and I getting married anytime soon but my BIO clock is ringing loudly. What comes first, baby before marriage? I'm thinking that may be my life path. I've heard that the chance of a couple getting married after a baby drops significantly and it makes me a little sad. Do you only date men that are willing to marry and have a baby in 1-2 years? How is this suppose to work?!!
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Tell him what you desire and if he is in willing to commit and have kids then move on.. Pray about it too... Don't rule out adoption as an option
 
I think you are so confused because you really don't know what you want and you are also mixing together two unresolved issues.

You don't seem to be very pressed to get married. You want a relationship, commitment, and love, but aren't completely convinced you want to marry. You also like the idea of having a child but it isn't a strong desire for you like it is for some women. You are kinda lukewarm about marriage and children. They both sound nice and are appealing, but you just aren't absolutely positive you want either. Your biggest problem IMO is time. I think you need to do some soul searching and really dig deep and get to know you and figure out what you want. Until you really know yourself, you can't fully show up as you, and give you what you want and need.

You also may be feeling pressure to make a decision because of societal pressure. Because men don't give birth to children and can become fathers at a much later age, they have more time to mature, play, and figure things out.

But I agree that everything will work out. There's more to life than marriage and children. While those two things are a big deal to many women, some women find happiness from many other sources and are fine without a husband or children, or with only one or the other.

Whatever happens you will be fine. Try not to worry about it too much. You seem like such a free spirit and there is nothing wrong with that.
 
Usually when a woman wants a baby NOW she knows it with every cell in her body and is willing to do ANYTHING to make it happen. I would say wait a little bit. And I think you need to have a serious conversation with your man about what he sees happening in the next 18 months.

May I ask how old you are OP?
 
hopeful said:
I think you are so confused because you really don't know what you want and you are also mixing together two unresolved issues.

You don't seem to be very pressed to get married. You want a relationship, commitment, and love, but aren't completely convinced you want to marry. You also like the idea of having a child but it isn't a strong desire for you like it is for some women. You are kinda lukewarm about marriage and children. They both sound nice and are appealing, but you just aren't absolutely positive you want either. Your biggest problem IMO is time. I think you need to do some soul searching and really dig deep and get to know you and figure out what you want. Until you really know yourself, you can't fully show up as you, and give you what you want and need.

You also may be feeling pressure to make a decision because of societal pressure. Because men don't give birth to children and can become fathers at a much later age, they have more time to mature, play, and figure things out.

But I agree that everything will work out. There's more to life than marriage and children. While those two things are a big deal to many women, some women find happiness from many other sources and are fine without a husband or children, or with only one or the other.

Whatever happens you will be fine. Try not to worry about it too much. You seem like such a free spirit and there is nothing wrong with that.
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Well said
 
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