2012 Relationship Random Thoughts.... Part III

[Softerlove]

Guru om & Yoga is helping me feel a bit more centred. Perspective of its everything, and being subtle is giving me a chance to find that.

I'm a prize & wonderfully made (even in yoga wear and no make up) I realized this at the right time.

 

[tinkat]

i have no idea, and i think it only started recently. last week i had horrible anxiety all week. i went straight to his place friday afternoon and just got back today, and i didnt feel stressed about anything. now, it's all pouring back in, heavily and steadily, and the anxiety is starting up again.

i think part of it is because a.) when im with him, he takes care of everything. going places, doing things, getting things, eating things, whatever happens in the day - he has a way to make it easier (paying, driving, choosing, etc). so i dont have to worry about anything getting done or missing anything. (this is of course to say that when i am back in my life on my own, i do everything myself and it's way harder because i dont have all the things i need to make anything easier. its automatically a hassle.)

the other part of it b.) is all the things i have planned in the very near future that i am worried about pulling off to my high standards. there isnt enough time and yet im still pressuring myself to get things done. its like i decide something has to be done and i cant just ignore it after that. i have to try, and if theres the chance that i wont be able to do it, i dont think "well lets just not do it then." i think "i have to do it anyway" and i start panicking.

now its like when im back to just me i dont know how to get anything done. im not naturally the type to rely on others for things that are important to me - id rather keep it in my power entirely so that i know they will get done. its like i dont know how to do share my responsibilities; as if him helping with some things means ive forgotten how to do the rest on my own. im a pretty all or nothing person and i've ALWAYS had a problem with balance. this seems like a manifestation of that - i am panicking about things that i have ("have") to do.

it's just like... when it's only me, i have all the time in the world to focus on my goals. i'm extremely goal driven - it's just what i do. and i feel like for the next few months im not going to be able to complete the things i need done. he takes time out of my planning - spending whole weekends with him and wanting to progress our relationship etc... when, if i were single, i could look like crap all the time if i wanted to, it wouldn't be so imperative to have and accomplish this aesthetic/material bullsiht, and i generally wouldnt want to advance so far so quickly in creating that perfect picture. i could live extremely frugally and retreat inside my head in tunnel vision mode and not get distracted by needing to come out of my head at all. thats how i get things done. i block everything out and dont devote any time to external whatever and focus all my thoughts on jumping goal after goal. its the only thing that matters.

the irony of course is that he doesn't give a siht about all this superficial nonsense, and would never encourage me to focus on these things, particularly given how stressful im finding it. just being in this relationship inherently pulls me out of that focus, and i'm trying to manage them both and it's not working.

It sounds like a slight case of separation anxiety. Seems like you are use to being independent and focused on self. This relationship is trying to teach you how to be interdependent. From what you have said, you are use to focusing on your goals and don't rely on others. But when so is not around, you lose focus. This relationship is definitely shedding light on this which is a good thing especially since you recognize it. The biggest thing is to avoid codependency.

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[LaBelleLL]

his last exam is tomorrow morning and later, we go later to a baseball game with a bunch of his friends (and mostly 3Ls). it's his friends bday. it should be a fantastic time but I hope the Armenian isn't there. Ill have to deliberately avoid and practically ignore him. That takes too much work. but otherwise I'm happy to hang with him with no exams looming!!!

 

[CarLiTa]

meesch, that's interesting. Thanks for sharing. Re: a) sounds like that works pretty well, given your happiness, but I wonder whether too much of a good thing might be, well, not so good in the long run. Might be worth it to be more 'active' if the current scenario makes you feel like you are losing yourself a bit. I think you mentioned that you spend most weekends together, does that leave you time to see your friends? I think it's important to maintain relationships other than the one with a SO... For balance, clarity, some independence.

For b) my take on this might contradict what I said above, but why not engage your SO in the pursuit of these goals (if you aren't already. I dunno) in actively helping you realize them, not just in sharing ideas about these goals. And, not contradicting what I said above, engage your friends more. I personally think it is good to have commitments to different types of people (friends, family, SO, self, activities), so that one's life isn't directed by the presence (or absence) of ONE single person. That's too much volatility. I thinking general one should have various sources of happiness... And not let the romantic relationship be the main source of that... Because in reality, it can't always be some well of love. Feelings are so fickle. Anyway, going on a tangent here... But yeah, hope the above made sense.

 

[CarLiTa]

Had a really nice date with the inventor.
I need help, though.

What do you say if a guy you've only gone on a few dates with asks you to join him on an overnight trip? You'd want to go because you've never been there, but you would need to be accompanied by other women... For it NOT to be just the 2 of you. How do you ask if a friend or mutual friend can join you two? Is that even the right thing to do?

If it helps, guy and I have not kissed. I'm still warming myself up to the idea of kissing him... but on today's date he was pretty honest about bing genuinely interested (details tomorrow).

 

[bosswitch]

I had a date today. He was incredibly handsome , a perfect gentleman and a great guy to talk to but I found out he is bisexual erplexed I'm so disappointed y'all

 

[firecracker]

The past two nights we had plans to attend birthday parties but I slept right through the alarm and boy was he happy. LOL He worked the whole weekend. I think we needed a do nothing week and weekend.

 

[hopeful]

I think it would be best to decline until you are comfortable traveling with him. Bringing a friend sounds really strange to me.

Had a really nice date with the inventor.
I need help, though.

What do you say if a guy you've only gone on a few dates with asks you to join him on an overnight trip? You'd want to go because you've never been there, but you would need to be accompanied by other women... For it NOT to be just the 2 of you. How do you ask if a friend or mutual friend can join you two? Is that even the right thing to do?

If it helps, guy and I have not kissed. I'm still warming myself up to the idea of kissing him... but on today's date he was pretty honest about bing genuinely interested (details tomorrow).

 

[meesch]

@meesch, that's interesting. Thanks for sharing. Re: a) sounds like that works pretty well, given your happiness, but I wonder whether too much of a good thing might be, well, not so good in the long run. Might be worth it to be more 'active' if the current scenario makes you feel like you are losing yourself a bit. I think you mentioned that you spend most weekends together, does that leave you time to see your friends? I think it's important to maintain relationships other than the one with a SO... For balance, clarity, some independence.

For b) my take on this might contradict what I said above, but why not engage your SO in the pursuit of these goals (if you aren't already. I dunno) in actively helping you realize them, not just in sharing ideas about these goals. And, not contradicting what I said above, engage your friends more. I personally think it is good to have commitments to different types of people (friends, family, SO, self, activities), so that one's life isn't directed by the presence (or absence) of ONE single person. That's too much volatility. I thinking general one should have various sources of happiness... And not let the romantic relationship be the main source of that... Because in reality, it can't always be some well of love. Feelings are so fickle. Anyway, going on a tangent here... But yeah, hope the above made sense.

re: the bolded... you know, that makes sense and i probably wouldnt have thought of it that way, that i was depending on him emotionally. the problem is even before we started dating i was never the type to fulfill any emotional needs via friendships. i think that most of my personal validation just came from myself. so i do think it's kind of the same thing only except taking time away from other relationships, it takes time away from my relationship with myself, which has always been what i prized the most. but i do think it would be good to insert need fulfillment via other people just to take some of the weight off he and i and our time together. i have come to look at my time with him as taking me away from the things that wear on me.

as far as him helping me complete goals, idk. the only one we talk about together is weight loss because he's big into controlling what he eats and he works out all the time - he bought a bike so he could bike to and from work and he does tons of push ups during the day and doesnt even sit at a chair at work (his current/new roommate once took a picture of bf standing up at his desk at work and bf texted it to me at the time, it was the most hilarious/ridiculous thing id ever seen). i think its slower going with him though because i think he used to be a bit overweight and now its kind of like he's already lost a lot of weight to be where he is now, so he's in no hurry to lose much more. i dont have that slower going mentality but my other goals, he recently helped me out of a jam and it was pretty uncomfortable for me. so i dont want to keep looking to him to solve my problems. part of the whole issue is that i want to do these things on my own and not necessarily impress him with it, but part of it is so that im bringing things on my own to the table... not needing him to constantly rescue me. i feel like it works against how i want to be in a relationship if my bf is the one who solves my problems; my niche is that i solve them myself. so in that way i think its like tinkat said too, im having to learn to be interdependent.

we recently were looking at meyers briggs and comparing the accuracy of our personality types. one of the hallmarks of mine is that i feel a constant need for efficiency and improvement (which is definitely true). and it surprised me that he said he'd noticed that because i didnt feel like id brought any of that into our relationship. but it is true - he likes me now, but he's never seen me at the top of my game (which is somewhere i definitely plan to return to). and i like him now, but i'm definitely itching to implement some "improvements" (the tshirt, jeans, and running shoe uniform is just going to have to stop at some point). its hard for me to be content at "ok" where i know i can do better. i wont be happy until i get there.

(right from the very start i told him that i wasnt where i wanted to be and i didnt know if it was a good idea for me to date under those circumstances where i wanted to focus on getting my life together. he brushed it off and wanted to push forward anyway but now i feel like we are reaping the fruits of that. now he's having to date someone that is preoccupied with putting things into place, and i dont think that he minds, but it makes me uncomfortable to be working-in-progress when i always felt like it would have been easier to wait to date somebody until i had myself established. but whatreyagonnado, i guess.)

 

[crlsweetie912]

What the frick is up with these dudes being so dayum demanding....You said you would call me back...when you didn't OH FRIGGING WELL! If you are interested, you call...We ain't even met yet.....then you call me talking bout why didn't I call when you didn't call......WTF! I'm not playing games. Dayum.......I'm not chasing after no dayum man.....This dating **** is for the birds.....

 

[ivyness]

I love this man so much. I am so proud of him.

 

[softblackcotton]

Men have become like trees to me. Some are Nice to look, but ain't nothing happening there at all. I feel completely asexual.

 

[RarityFluttershy]

I need to remember that men have feelings too.

 

[firecracker]

I was pooped and knocked out when he got here. It was great waking up near midnight to a loaded baked potato and a cup of leftover chili.

Got to see MacKenzie Phillips live in a really silly comedy. Mister Man kept whispering "I remember her from some tv show". When he finally remembered the room went silent and we were no longer whispering. Everyone started busting up in the small theatre house when they heard me say "no she wasn't in the Partridge Family Foolbooty". LOL I told him next time don't buy & drink 2 glasses of wine before the the show.

We have gotten to see some really memorable hilarious live productions recently. Now he wants to go back to a certain theatre in Berkeley really soon. Talkin bout I have never been to a theatre that had bbq and a cake man. I said fool that was one hellva black production all the way around! LOL They put a hellva twist on The WIZ.

 

[CarLiTa]

I think it would be best to decline until you are comfortable traveling with him. Bringing a friend sounds really strange to me.

Ah, ok. Thanks hopeful. I was hoping that it would be okay to ask the friend who introduced us/my roommate.
I'm not ready to spend 2.5 days together one-on-one.

 

[Mortons]

I think my brother is living with his girlfriend and just not saying anything. And I'm hating. I want someone to come stay with me and make the bed every morning and take the dirty laundry to the clothes hamper too

 

[Cheekychica]

I'm not sure how long I can maintain this celibacy. It's becoming pretty frustrating.

 

[Cheekychica]

Men have become like trees to me. Some are Nice to look, but ain't nothing happening there at all. I feel completely asexual.

I almost wish I had this problem. It would help me maintain my celibacy.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

I'm not sure how long I can maintain this celibacy. It's becoming pretty frustrating.

I know!!

I stayed over his house Friday for the first time and I realized that that's not the best idea if I am to stay on my current path. I still have my c-card, but I would like to thank @nappystorm in advance. I could see an imprint through the material. A lot

And I forgot to update about our first argument. Um...I was sad, yet relieved because I was wondering when an argument was going to happen. I was feeling like we were fake. It was great. I got annoyed at him and then I realized he was annoyed with me. Well, it wasn't great at the time, but, yaknow. I'm not a phone talker but he likes to talk every night if we haven't seen each other and he didn't call me when we were fighting so the next day, (after I sent him a childish text that said I expect to hear from you by 11am and he complied ) when we saw each other we were hilariously corny, like "I was wondering why you didn't call me " "I was wondering why you didn't send me texts of Boo " "I missed you!"

eta: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, about the staying over. I haven't done that with anyone in years so LOL at how I kept randomly waking up to check the time so I could beat him into the bathroom so I could make sure my face wasn't looking like ET. OH, and *sideeye* at myself for randomly waking up thinking about bacon. He was like "what? Where you goin? What are you doing?" I was like "swine!" I was only quasi-conscious. Umm....I don't eat after 6 (the day before I hadn't had a chance to eat since like 3pm), so....I wakes up hungry smh. He probably thinks I'm so weird.

 

[tinkat]

I commend you ladies for staying at these guys house and not doing anything. I know me and my butt would have to go home. At times I feel like I can pounce on anything .

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[alwaysinchrist]

I almost wish I had this problem. It would help me maintain my celibacy.

me too

 

[softblackcotton]

@RarityFluttershy,


Your siggy is cray! Where can I find the whole video?

 

[alwaysinchrist]

I commend you ladies for staying at these guys house and not doing anything. I know me and my butt would have to go home. At times I feel like I can pounce on anything .

Wait, be positive, keep believing, and all will surely be yours. Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

that is why i dont do home visits----bc if he is built like a running back, tall an chocolate....im b all over that LOL
*hey im just keeping it real lol

 

[RarityFluttershy]

Doesn't work anymore.

 

[softblackcotton]

I almost wish I had this problem. It would help me maintain my celibacy.

me too

No you don't wish you had this "problem." Sure, it's less distracting to feel asexual, however, it is the result of my mind and body giving up and growing accustomed to a lifetime of denial. I don't even find fantasies all that appealing anymore. I have grown really pessimistic and bored with things regarding romance. But maybe it's to one's benefit to have this "problem" depending on your motivations in life.

 

[meesch]

so bf got a ticket on his car night before last. he had to park on the side of the street. hes like well i could have got up and moved it, but we were all wrapped up in each other so... i didnt.

awwwwwwww... getting a ticket rather than take 10 minutes to interrupt our cuddling and whatnot that's love...ish

 

[Cheekychica]

I forgot to mention that I drunk texted both Co-Worker & Ex on Saturday night.
Ex actually showed up at the club to surprise me though.

 

[StarScream35]

I'm lovin my new boyfriend. I love that he's the type to let things naturally progress and he is on my educational level, no kids, no ex-wife, doesn't live too far from me............I feel so blessed but having a new man after years of being single is definitely an adjustement.

 

[Fine 4s]

Was told my grandma panties ain't cutting it. I buy the Hanes panties in a pack lol dontjudgeme.
I need some boy shorts ladies! Where to find?
Is this a fashion question? Lol

 

[firecracker]

I forgot to mention that I drunk texted both Co-Worker & Ex on Saturday night.
Ex actually showed up at the club to surprise me though.

Watch out now! No mo dranky drank fo you!

Hey ladies did someone mention an imprint?