You Want to Remind Me I'm Not Married...

[neenzmj]

I commend your efforts to work through issues before marriage, but honestly, building and working at a marriage relationship is a life-long process. As things in your life change and evolve, so will the possibility for things that may present challenges and there's no amount of prep work that will change that.

The one thing that is a constant is what the word of God says about marriage. My suggestion to you is that you seek God's Word about marriage and hold that Word up like a mirror and ask yourself (based on that word) how ready you are for marriage. You see, it's the Word of God that has the ability to hold your marriage together when life's challenges come your way. In our own strength (even with the best intentions) we fall short. But God's Word never falls short and his counseling is always on point and never has any hidden agenda.

Good luck.

 

[longhairlover]

Honestly they don't consider it marriage even if you are doing everything like a "marriage". I never realized that a women and a man are considered single until they actually do the deed and get married. I wish I would've thought of myself as single with all those losers in the past I would not have cared so much lol!!!

But don't be offended by what the Pastor is saying. by law and everything else you are still in the single category, if you both feel it's right and your committed to each other then do it girl get married and live for God!

Your Pastor is only telling you what is right, remember the sayings don't give the milk without the cow.....something like that.....i'm just trying to say don't give a man your all until he puts that ring, and I think in so many words that is what your Pastor is trying to tell both of you.

Not to sound rude again but you can bail out at anytime in any relationship, marriage etc. But not being married people always look at it in the way of you can break up and then it's over and there are less ties than a marriage, to me if there are issues before marriage there will be issues with a marriage.

R u going to counseling with him because you are doing the pre-marital? Or r u guys doing this because your current relationship has issues? Is it worth it? Maybe this counseling will help you to see if what you really want to do for yourself.

Dont be mad at me.

Your young, you have a military career that will take you all over the world, I know that if your married then they will put you two on the same base right?

A real and a good marriage is sacred and wonderful actually, a real marriage you don't look at it as a contract because that is the person you really want to be with and you don't see it as "lockdown" by paper.
I'm very happy to have my best friend with me everyday.....besides my mom lol!

my best friend always had issues with marriage nothing but negative words about it, but now that she finally met the kind of guy she deserves marriage is now on her tounge, she was just against marriage because she wasn't meeting the right people.

 

[longhairlover]

took the words out of my mouth! thank you for this. people forget what marriage is about and they get caught up sometimes in their career etc.

marriage is about that union like you said, not contracts, not money, not any of the other crap people think marriage is about,

I think a lot of times that is why marriage fails because people don't know what it's about and just get into one to be with someone to keep a hold of him or her. marriage is deep.

I commend your efforts to work through issues before marriage, but honestly, building and working at a marriage relationship is a life-long process. As things in your life change and evolve, so will the possibility for things that may present challenges and there's no amount of prep work that will change that.

The one thing that is a constant is what the word of God says about marriage. My suggestion to you is that you seek God's Word about marriage and hold that Word up like a mirror and ask yourself (based on that word) how ready you are for marriage. You see, it's the Word of God that has the ability to hold your marriage together when life's challenges come your way. In our own strength (even with the best intentions) we fall short. But God's Word never falls short and his counseling is always on point and never has any hidden agenda.

Good luck.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Thanks for the insight.

We are going to premarital counseling as well as regular guidance.

All relationships have problems, and ours weren't major at all until recently.
We have been able to work through everything without much fight until recently.
Aside of what has cropped up (due to revelations) our relationship is still fine.

I understand I have the right to bail at anytime, but my issue is, "If you have two people who don't want to rush into marriage, but are looking to sort out their potential issues that are on the table before they make a decision, why focus on the legality?" The only difference between marriage and our relationship is clearly the legal paper. I feel slighted when it's obvious we both KNOW our options are open but we want to do what we can before ordaining things before God (as people put it) and locking ourselves into a "permanent situation." If marriage was so pure and holy and permanent like people expect it to be, why are so many people divorced? My belief is it has something to do with people not taking the time out to recognize who, what and why they're marrying in addition to the pressure of marriage's respect. Marriage is supposed to be permanent, and I'm sure my pain if we divorced (to shut up those who are too concerned with the legal status) would be only that much more painful when I think of all the humbling legal paperwork I'd have to take care of proving my marriage failed? Additionally, of marriage was permanent, why IS it so easy for people to have 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th spouses? They don't even enforce counseling before divorces anymore. Divorce should NOT be an option then.

Who is supposed to help the single Christian people learn to be more than serial daters and monogamists if they won't give them "guidance" ? How are people supposed to be confident in their decision of a partner if they can't even be given honest talk--- when they KNOW and are WORKING on being married--- about how to agree to disagree, handle conflict, etc.? It just seems as if folks want you to not date and serve the Lord, one day find a randomly equally yoked person, spend 6 months or more dating and "just get married." Even the most compatible couples fight, but is it not worth working through before you "tie the knot?"

 

[envybeauty]

This thread reminds me of the Lauren Hill thread...her and her spiritual connection spiel.

 

[MissYocairis]

Exactly. And I never thought I would one day be married to anyone... so if I do this... I want to be sure that we're given guidance to begin working on our problems. It's like premarital counseling is the only thing that will even allow pastors to open the doors to speak about dealing with each other in a wedded relationship. And yea its free for us because we're going through the base, but the counseling is only about 1 - 3 months depending on the results of your assessment.

YOU...are a smart girl!

 

[sky_blu]

That's me. I come from the other side of things - parents were married 22 years before getting divorced, amicably. What lead to their eventual fallout - assuming that "commitment" in and of itself was enough to establish common ground and common goals.

So many people are in love with the idea of BEING married without taking time to really understand what is required to make a marriage, in 2008, withstand the many obstacles folks WILL encounter. And I especially hate hearing it in females - in love with the idea of having a wedding, and a ring, and someone to come home to and kiss their forehead. I always wonder what happens when all of that wears off...then what are you left with?

Im not married but EXACTLY!

 

[nappystorm]

My thing is how are single people supposed to date and "work through" their issues - which might be the same issues they have married only intensified- if everyone's focused on their status moreso than their willingness to learn and grow before tying the knot?

He's in the military, and we've witnessed too many people "marry" for the legal benefits. I've also seen too many unhappy marriages in my lifetime. Nobody's perfect but it seems nobody is really helping couples decide how to handle conflicts while in the dating stage without the whole "Hey ytou can always walk away..."

Quite obviously, in today's world, your DH or DW can walk away as well... take half or leave you with nothing. Marriage isn't permanent anymore. 2nd husbands, wives and stepchildren are all too common.

WHO is going to teach the committed couple preparing FOR marriage about things that affect them Pre and Post marriage? If an unmarried couple has problems, are they invalid until they marry and see a counselor, because it's now okay to think that this issue needs focus?

I know there are a bunch of men out there, but this is the one I choose to build a life with. So it gets frustrating for someone to act as if I should sweep 3 years under the rug like the next man won't automatically have issues... lol.

That's all.

I don't know you or your situation but this statement right here has me going "Hmmm" ???

In my experience, that's the usually justification given when a woman should leave the relationship but doesn't want to because she's thinking about all the time and effort invested in the relationship rather than if he's treating her like she deserves to be treated. JMO.

Hope I'm wrong, and if so *** what preacher dude talking about.

 

[PatTodd]

I don't have time to say everything I am thinking, but in reading through this thread, I just keep thinking, having been married for 11 years..."There ain't nothing like being married". If you are not married, you are NOT married. Yes, you may be close, tight and committed, but marriage is a totally different head. If the pastor keeps reminding you that you are not married and can walk away, could it be that he is hearing you ask each other to change in ways that are unrealistic...and that he's trying to remind you that basically, when you marry, what you see is what you get. I commend you for seeking the counseling, but a pastor is normally coming from an advocacy standpoint on marriage, and you ARE asking for his advice.

I remember when we were getting premarital counseling from the pastor who married us - I was telling her, in my type A way, of our plans for a baby in 2 years, probably trying to "prove" to her how ready and committed we were, and she just kept asking me, "What if that doesn't happen? What if you don't this?? What if you can't that?" I remember being annoyed...but now I know...it's about the committment...if you are truly committed you can deal with anything -the committment is the plan. If an issue is in front of your face before you make the (irreversible) commitment, it will probably be there for life.

 

[deltagyrl]

Mixed feelings on this thread but, OP, I commend you for trying to work through issues before getting married.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

If you're now married, were you ever arguing with your DH before dating?
Didn't issues arise then?

Or did sh-t magically appear AFTER you guys were married or you chose to ignore them until the ring was on the finger? Or were the issues simple and stupid like not flushing the toilet?

How would you manage problems and learn about the beginning of what a commitment is before you were married?

How and when are single people SUPPOSED to learn about working through conflict when the only thing they hear is "they ain't married?"

If that's the case I guess that we all shouldn't worry about finding a good man, because one will knock on our door one day and propose immediately... we'll jump into commitment hardly knowing this person, but when things happen it's okay because we're married and we'll stick together without knowing what it entails? Uh no thanks.

 

[Vanity1]

If you're now married, were you ever arguing with your DH before dating?
Didn't issues arise then?

Or did sh-t magically appear AFTER you guys were married or you chose to ignore them until the ring was on the finger? Or were the issues simple and stupid like not flushing the toilet?

How would you manage problems and learn about the beginning of what a commitment is before you were married?

How and when are single people SUPPOSED to learn about working through conflict when the only thing they hear is "they ain't married?"

If that's the case I guess that we all shouldn't worry about finding a good man, because one will knock on our door one day and propose immediately... we'll jump into commitment hardly knowing this person, but when things happen it's okay because we're married and we'll stick together without knowing what it entails? Uh no thanks.

Is this a rhetorical question?

Cause if it isn't, I will PM you

 

[deltagyrl]

In my case some sh-t did magically appear after we got married.

I don't *think* I ignored problems prior to marriage. I committed to working through them.

 

[Bunny77]

If you're now married, were you ever arguing with your DH before dating?
Didn't issues arise then?

Or did sh-t magically appear AFTER you guys were married or you chose to ignore them until the ring was on the finger? Or were the issues simple and stupid like not flushing the toilet?

How would you manage problems and learn about the beginning of what a commitment is before you were married?

How and when are single people SUPPOSED to learn about working through conflict when the only thing they hear is "they ain't married?"

If that's the case I guess that we all shouldn't worry about finding a good man, because one will knock on our door one day and propose immediately... we'll jump into commitment hardly knowing this person, but when things happen it's okay because we're married and we'll stick together without knowing what it entails? Uh no thanks.

Quick question because I just wanna make sure I understand the concern here...

Are you going to counseling because you are making definite plans to marry and want to make sure you're on the same page, or are you not yet sure if you want to marry?

Cause I do see both sides... I see what you're saying, but I also see how a minister might feel about doing so-called premarital counseling for a couple that isn't taking any steps to get married right now.

All of the stuff you're talking about definitely exists in relationships, married or not, but the issue here seems to be whether you two have decided that you are going to make that commitment to marriage and are trying to work things out before going into it, or if you haven't yet made that commitment and don't know if you will.

In the latter case, counseling would still be good, but religious counseling might not be the way to go, especially if they are focused on couples with specific plans to marry.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

In my case some sh-t did magically appear after we got married.

I don't *think* I ignored problems prior to marriage. I committed to working through them.

Thanks for the response. I feel like I'm not ignoring the problems, but I'm acknowledging them and taking the time to make sure this is something I can commit to permanently before it is cemented and sealed. I understand the sanctity of marriage, that's why I'm not like, "Let's get married now and worry later."

What some see as indifferent to the specialness of marriage I consider being careful.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Is this a rhetorical question?

Cause if it isn't, I will PM you

It sounds rhetorical but I'm serious. I mean it's part rhetorical but I'm so serious. I hear so many people who don't "take heed" to ish until after they're married. Marriage won't CHANGE a person, the relationship between the two of them wil change and direct the mood of the marriage. So if people really didn't notice stuff about their SO until after they were married that's kinda bugged to me.
​

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Quick question because I just wanna make sure I understand the concern here...

Are you going to counseling because you are making definite plans to marry and want to make sure you're on the same page, or are you not yet sure if you want to marry?

Cause I do see both sides... I see what you're saying, but I also see how a minister might feel about doing so-called premarital counseling for a couple that isn't taking any steps to get married right now.

All of the stuff you're talking about definitely exists in relationships, married or not, but the issue here seems to be whether you two have decided that you are going to make that commitment to marriage and are trying to work things out before going into it, or if you haven't yet made that commitment and don't know if you will.

In the latter case, counseling would still be good, but religious counseling might not be the way to go, especially if they are focused on couples with specific plans to marry.

We have made definite plans to marry and we're trying to make sure we're on the same page. In addition, an issue that was never serious before has been made serious... and we're trying to get on the same page or have a resolution with the issue prior to the marriage.

I'm not against marriage, but I'm against rushing into a marriage without preparation. The problem is when we're talking about preparing for marriage, we're just constantly reminded we're not married, and my question is, "Are you going to help us get there or are you just going to focus on the fact that we're not?"

 

[Bunny77]

We have made definite plans to marry and we're trying to make sure we're on the same page. In addition, an issue that was never serious before has been made serious... and we're trying to get on the same page or have a resolution with the issue prior to the marriage.

I'm not against marriage, but I'm against rushing into a marriage without preparation. The problem is when we're talking about preparing for marriage, we're just constantly reminded we're not married, and my question is, "Are you going to help us get there or are you just going to focus on the fact that we're not?"

Gotcha! Thanks! I understand what you're saying now.

The only other thing I can think of is that there might be a concern on the pastor's part that this issue is so serious that it might not be worked out... I don't know if he can tell this from your SO's response or your response (again, I know I'm not there, so I'm just speculating) that there's a desire to work out the issue in terms of action and not just talk.

Again, I dunno... I'm just throwing out ideas as to why you might be getting the response that you are.