Co-Habitation Before Getting Married

[frostydoll]

We have only been in a relationship for a few months I have known him longer than that. We were really close friends before that. We love each other and want to share our lives together that is what is our concern with moving in. We are just not ready for marriage yet. Money was just a bonus to be honest because we are both in the military and for sure can afford to live apart if we wanted to. My daughter is 2 and his kids are 6 and 8. They other parents are in the states while we are stationed in Hawaii together. We have all met and are cool.

I never understand when people say they're not ready for marriage, but are ready to "pretend" in every other way.

I wouldn't live w/ an SO without a wedding date within 6 months like Windsay said. My mom knew I was planning on getting married before the year was out because we were talking about moving in together in September.

 

[Windsy]

I started this thread to get others opinions, not to make my decision. I know my outlook on it and I was just curious to see others point of view. Sometimes people who are not in your situation can bring things to light that you don't actually see yourself. I don't think that means I have doubts, I just wanted to look at the big picture.

erplexed....what big picture and what did the responses here tell you about that picture?


If neither of you want marrieage then why migrate the households?

 

[Windsy]

I never understand when people say they're not ready for marriage, but are ready to "pretend" in every other way.

I wouldn't live w/ an SO without a wedding date within 6 months like Windsay said. My mom knew I was planning on getting married before the year was out because we were talking about moving in together in September.

IDK either...it just doesn't make any sense to me....

 

[MamaBear2012]

I didn't do it and I wouldn't advise my children to do it, but I wouldn't knock someone else who decided to move in with someone. But in the case where there are children involved, I would say no! That's just too much upheaval if things go south.

I think that for legal protection, people who move in together need to financially act as though they are roommates (contracts and all). I've seen way too many instances of people who moved in together and bought homes, cars, furniture and then one or both people end up screwed in the end.

 

[dede1129]

By the big picture I mean others opinions, not just my own.

We DO want marriage at some point, that's not what I was saying. We just did not want to wait until we were married to live together first.

erplexed....what big picture and what did the responses here tell you about that picture?


If neither of you want marrieage then why migrate the households?

 

[FemmeCreole]

dede1129 only you can make that decision. You've solicited the opinions of others but the decision is ultimately yours to make. You do what works for you and your family.

I'm not one who subscribes to time frames when it comes to matters of the heart. If you feel that you 2 want to move in together after being a couple for a few months then and is your choice.

As I said before, I have done it and I have no regrets. However I would go forward with a few tweaks the next go round. But that is based on my life and no one else's.

Good luck hon!

 

[dede1129]

Thank you, I really appreciate your response. You are right, I thought by asking these questions that it would enlighten me but instead I feel as if I am now defending my relationship and a decision that only I will ultimately have to live with and so I digress with this.

@dede1129 only you can make that decision. You've solicited the opinions of others but the decision is ultimately yours to make. You do what works for you and your family.

I'm not one who subscribes to time frames when it comes to matters of the heart. If you feel that you 2 want to move in together after being a couple for a few months then and is your choice.

As I said before, I have done it and I have no regrets. However I would go forward with a few tweaks the next go round. But that is based on my life and no one else's.

Good luck hon!

 

[greenandchic]

I would do it, but not after only knowing each other or even just being in a relationship for a few months. I think that's too soon. For me we would have to be together for a year before moving in with each other.

Also, I would never marry without living together first. I speak from personal experience.

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[dede1129]

That makes sense. With my first marriage I didn't and it was an eye opener after the fact and I learned so much about him I didnt know before.

I would do it, but not after only knowing each other or even just being in a relationship for a few months. I think that's too soon. For me we would have to be together for a year before moving in with each other.

Also, I would never marry without living together first. I speak from personal experience.

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[OriginalMe]

I moved in with FH exactly a year before our wedding date (we were engaged for 15 months), but only because my sister had broken up with her boyfriend, who she was currently living with. I moved out of my townhouse so she could rent it from me, and into FH’s house. It worked out because it helped FH and I save up for the wedding.

If we were not engaged, I would have just let her move in with me until she found something else.

I would not move in with a SO unless we were engaged with a solid plan for a wedding.

 

[Renewed1]

I don't know.... some of the problems you ladies listed, that lived with a man, are things I really expect from men to a degree. Nasty, dirty, lazy, etc etc....it seems like the same things a married woman complain about their husbands. I think alot of this stuff you will notice while you're dating them. Especially, if you ever been to the guys home.

But I think there is a transitional period for both parties. He may think you're a neat freak and can stand a little messy. It's about compromising, it won't be over night, considering you are talking about two people who lived alone for X amount of years. But I think it can be resolved.

As for me, no, I won't live with a guy until we say I DO. I have yet to see a positive situation from any couple living together (I'm sure there is, I haven't seen it.)

 

[nlamr2013]

Does SO feel the same as you do?
I personally wouldn't until
I was married for the many reason that have already been mentioned. However, in my opinion the way you all have the set up now, alternating houses daily, seems like it would be really taxing on the children. however, if you all did move in together and the relationship unfortunately went south then that would be problematic for you all as well.

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[MD_Lady]

I never have and never wanted to. As far as your situation goes, as long as both of you are honest about your expectations and what this does/does not mean for your relationship (i.e. some people see co-habitation as an automatic step towards marriage when it might not necessarily be one from their SO's perspective) things should be fine.

 

[Triniwegian]

I have... and I will not do it again, hell I don't even know if I would want to live with another person again. I love my space and I have OCD tendencies which makes me go nuts if things are not in place.

I just prefer to have an SO who has his own place, I don't even care if I get married, as long as I can live alone...lol

 

[MochaMooch]

I thought by asking these questions that it would enlighten me but instead I feel as if I am now defending my relationship and a decision that only I will ultimately have to live with and so I digress with this.

But it isn't a decision that only you have to live with, your children have to live with it too. When children are involved it is sooo important that people are really cautious about inviting another man into their home. I say this from personal experience of being the child in a situation that was exactly the same as yours and where things went horrifically wrong after moving in.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad or imply that you are a bad mother so please don't take it that way. Also don't feel the need to defend your relationship because ultimately that is your business but just make sure you have your children's interests as a priority when contemplating whether to move in with this man.

 

[tinkat]

While in undergrad my ex stayed with me for a while after he came back from AIT (for like 4 months) but I don't know if that really count bc it was not like we were splitting bills for real...idk

But as of right now, NOPE. I would not do it. If you spend enough time with a person, you will find out what you need to know. When I was in a serious relationship, him staying with me for the time that he did was not a shocker to me, bc I already knew how he was. I spent enough time with him to see how he was.

I know this is not how it is for everyone, but sometimes when couples move in, especially young ones, sometimes one or both parties become too overwhelmed by the closeness and begin to feel smothered. IDK, I just prefer my own space until I get married. Forget engagement for me, we move in after wedding or justice of the peace or whatever I decided when I cross that bridge.

 

[Arcadian]

My husband is the only man I've ever lived with. I'm glad we did it tbh. I think however its case by case, and each couple should discuss it very openly and honestly about their wants and needs before living together.

-A

 

[dede1129]

I understand your concern and I did consider my daughter, I wouldn't even be with him if the environment was not healthy with her as well. She comes first and she has spent time with us and him one on one and is very comfortable. Granted she is 2 years old but I know her moods and have closely watched their interaction and make sure I spend one on one quality time with her. So yes, she has been considered as well as his 2 kids.

But it isn't a decision that only you have to live with, your children have to live with it too. When children are involved it is sooo important that people are really cautious about inviting another man into their home. I say this from personal experience of being the child in a situation that was exactly the same as yours and where things went horrifically wrong after moving in.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad or imply that you are a bad mother so please don't take it that way. Also don't feel the need to defend your relationship because ultimately that is your business but just make sure you have your children's interests as a priority when contemplating whether to move in with this man.

 

[hopeful]

If I had a two year old daughter, no absolutely not. I would not move in with a man I had only been dating a few months, even if I had known him before. I wouldn't even consider it. I would not move in with someone if I was not ready to marry them, especially if I had a child under 18. I think you need to give it a little more time, like maybe a year, IDK, but I guess I'm old-fashioned because I would not sleepover someone's house or have someone sleeping over my house on a regular basis if I had a child.

 

[butterfly_wings]

I've done it and would not do it again until we were engaged a a date set.

 

[frostydoll]

If I had a two year old daughter, no absolutely not. I would not move in with a man I had only been dating a few months, even if I had known him before. I wouldn't even consider it. I would not move in with someone if I was not ready to marry them, especially if I had a child under 18. I think you need to give it a little more time, like maybe a year, IDK, but I guess I'm old-fashioned because I would not sleepover someone's house or have someone sleeping over my house on a regular basis if I had a child.

I missed the part about her having a daughter and I don't think this is old-fashioned. I agree 100%

 

[alwaysinchrist]

I never lived with a man before my ex-husband. I was totally against it but now I don't know. My reasons before dont seem that vaild anymore....

 

[Mortons]

I used to be hard core against it, but now I think if the couple is headed towards the aisle and can grow up and not act selfish, then go for it.

Moving in with an uncommitted man (not engaged or married) and kids-absolutely not.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

I wouldn't co-habitate before marriage because I've been taught not to and of the couples I've known who have, it hasn't ended well.

 

[sky_blu]

I used to be completely against it but I was just reconsidering it today. I would definitely rather have a 2 income household than a 1 income household but thats pretty much it. My reasoning is all about $$$ which is not a good reason. I LOVE my personal space and I don't know how I could share it with someone else all the time. The same room, same bed, closet space?! I don't know. I came from a big family where everything was shared including my space ALL the time, so once I became of age and moved out on my own going back to that will be a struggle.

I will say growing up where my mom cohabitated with bf's made me see that you never really know someone until you move in with them. SMDH those ALL ended up badly.

 

[meesch]

i plan to cohabitate with or without the promise of marriage. ive been craving a live in boyfriend for awhile (even before i had a regular boyfriend).

eta: do note though, that i say that as someone who does not NECESSARILY have marriage as an endgame at this particular point in time.

i love my own space and i love, love, love living alone (i used to fantasize about living alone since i was a child) but at this point i want to live with a boyfriend just for the fun of it/experience. i hate having roommates but awhile ago started wanting to experience having a live in partner.

 

[greight]

Nah, wouldn't do it. I appreciate my space. Changing that peace of mind requires marriage.

 

[meesch]

When I lived with my ex I found out that he created trails of clothing on the floor so.. you could know exactly where he's been.

He kept the bathroom door open when doing #2

He would pile dishes in the sink on purpose... just to piss me off.

Got mad if I didn't call on my way home from work... got mad if I called and woke him up.

He was extremely dependent on me for meals. So much so that he would stay hungry if I was out. And he'd be mad that "I left him hungry" even though there was always food in the house.

Felt that since we lived together he had the right to go through my phone at will.

Doing his laundry took a bit of getting used to.

When he's sick... oh Lord... he's a total invalid. A slight cold would have him so miserable and in turn I would be miserable because he would not let me sleep. If he's awake I had to be too.


These are all things I never saw or he never did when we spent weekends or wen on vacation together. There's more but I don't wish to divulge on the www.

but none of these are problems indicative of living with a boyfriend, more like problems indicative of dating an inconsiderate and immature man

 

[DarkHair]

I wouldnt and didnt until dh bought our house a month before the wedding. I didnt feel the need to play 'wife' when I wasnt.

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[tmhuggiebear]

I don't believe in having time frames when it comes to matters of the heart. Sometimes when you know, you know. So I will not judge.

However, I would proceed with caution since there are children involved.

If I were in the situation, I think I would wait till we were dating for longer than a few months since children's life could be affected in the process. If no children, I might just go for it if I was really that sure of the relationship.

Good luck with your decision. I wish yourself, the SO and your children well.