Does anyone NOT want to get married?

[Bunny77]

Yes, I agree. And honestly until my friend asked me, I had never given it much thought. I always thought I'd get married and wanted to get married, but I never dug deeper as to why, so it was just interesting for me to really figure out what about marriage and being a wife was more appealing to me than being a long-term GF.

Well, I guess the question did serve a good purpose then!

 

[Ladybelle]

And parenthood.

oh yeah- and parenthood. some preparation is certainly in order!

 

[JustKiya]

oh yeah- and parenthood. some preparation is certainly in order!

It's amazing that the longest-term relationships are the easiest ones to get into, ain't it? And the ones that people tend to enter into with the least preparation, too.....

 

[MD_Lady]

Here's the thing for me... and I respect those who don't want to be married, btw.

But I want to be a wife. I greatly honor and revere the title of wife, just as I do the title of husband. I like knowing that my husband and I left our parents and came together to form a new family... and yes, our legal status as husband/wife/children is VERY important to me... I know many people feel strongly about marriage for religious reasons, but even if I wasn't looking at it from that perspective, that piece of paper that says that we are married under the eyes of the law is POWERFUL to me.

So that's why I want to be married, and why a long-term committed relationship would not be acceptable to me as a substitute for a marriage.

I never thought about marriage when I was younger, but as I got older, my views about marriage began to reflect the bolded (and now reflect how I feel about my marriage today). I couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

With all this discussion, it brings me the question...
What are realistic expectation of a marriage?
What are unrealistic?
Am I setting myself for a big let down of the kind of man I am expecting my SO to be as a husband?

Not to hijack E!!!

 

[JustKiya]

With all this discussion, it brings me the question...
What are realistic expectation of a marriage?
What are unrealistic?
Am I setting myself for a big let down of the kind of man I am expecting my SO to be as a husband?

Not to hijack E!!!

100% depends on you and your husband. You - as a couple - have to iron out what your expectations are - and it's a good thing to do before you get married.
It's one of the reasons I think pre-marital counseling (secular or religious) is so valuable, because you have an outside person asking you the questions you need to ask each other.
Unverbalized expectations can cause serious havoc in a relationship.

 

[MD_Lady]

With all this discussion, it brings me the question...
What are realistic expectation of a marriage?
What are unrealistic?
Am I setting myself for a big let down of the kind of man I am expecting my SO to be as a husband?

Not to hijack E!!!

Kiya's dead on. I'll also add that expecting to :reddancer: 100% of the time is WAY unrealistic. I never understood why some people have this expectation of marriage, even though they don't have it for any other aspect of their lives. Like everyone else has said, marriage takes work. If you truly know and understand that, you're already making a step in the right direction.

 

[Arian]

Just getting to the point of marriage is draining...sigh...

 

[Dragone]

Not particularly. My path is set and I'm not interested in deviating from it. If I find someone walking the same way as I am I'll be happy to share my life with them, but if they go a different direction I don't want to feel obligated to follow.

 

[MuseofTroy]

Gosh this will probably come back to haunt me one day but I'm debating if I want to get married. I'm trying to really understand how marriage will enhance my lifestyle. I really enjoy my life right now. I'm having so much fun in my 20s traveling, hanging out, being a foodie, and casually dating. I have my own money and resources. I'm also picky. I've read too many horror stories of women enduring so much crap. I'm like who do they deal with that? I get pissy if my date shows up 5 minutes late! LOL. I think eventually I will want to get married but right now? No unless I meet an amazing individual. I suppose I should say I haven't met anyone I wanted to really marry.

 

[PaleoChick]

I read all the posts, and Bunny77 as usual says something profound that can't be replicated. I thought about all of the benefits and detriments of marriage. Personally, at 32, I just don't see it happening. I don't want to be negative, but I am so jaded by dating and the whole experience of having absolutely no clue what I am doing when it comes to men, I'm over it. I had the ring finger itch for a couple of years in my 20s. It wore off quick. That is all. It happens, it happens. It doesn't, oh well.

 

[Bunny77]

Gosh this will probably come back to haunt me one day but I'm debating if I want to get married. I'm trying to really understand how marriage will enhance my lifestyle. I really enjoy my life right now. I'm having so much fun in my 20s traveling, hanging out, being a foodie, and casually dating. I have my own money and resources. I'm also picky. I've read too many horror stories of women enduring so much crap. I'm like who do they deal with that? I get pissy if my date shows up 5 minutes late! LOL. I think eventually I will want to get married but right now? No unless I meet an amazing individual. I suppose I should say I haven't met anyone I wanted to really marry.

I'd just say that you always have the right to change your mind!

It's cool to say that you don't want to be married at this moment in time. You can change your mind at any time, or you can still decide you don't want to be married.

It's not an irreversible decision!

I didn't truly desire to be married until I was about 29. I mean, I was always open to the idea, but it wasn't like, "YES, I really want this," until that point.

 

[softblackcotton]

Despite growing up around great examples of long-term committed marriages around me including my parents married for (going on 28 years) I used to ADAMANTLY not want to get married until about 23. I was too obsessed with making A's, getting into my dream college, and being an overcheiver to really worry about boys, love, and dating. I also suffered from extreme shyness as teenager all the way through sophomore yr of college, so I never really dated or responded to the advances of guys until after I graduated undergrad. I totally regret that I didn't date at least one guy seriously in undergrad now, cause real world guys (the ones I have gone out with) are...FULL OF BAGGAGE and other problems. It wasn't until this past year at the age of 24 (I'm 25 in four days) that I did a total 180. To be honest, the biggest reason that I did a 180 is that I am saving myself for marriage, I haven't been with any guy in that way, and I sometimes get fairly strong "urges" that I have become better at suppressing to keep my sanity. However, I would really like to experience a truly emotionally and physically intimate committed relationship, hopefully, before I leave my 20s. The only way I could get that type of relationship is through marriage. I could never feel comfortable/powerful giving my body to a man who I barely know amd who doesn't have any spiritually/legally recognized ties to me. I could never put myself in the position to risk raising a child without the great advantage of a loving two parent home that I was afforded. I just can't seem to get down with the non-commital non-marriage physical stuff like society; my guilty conscience is just WAY TOO POWERFUL (I realized this when it totured me for months after just making out and letting a guy I was casually dating feel up on me) and I know I can never enjoy a physically intimate relationship outside of marriage because the guilt will kill any pleasure I could have even in the moment. It still baffles me how some others can do it so easily. There have been temptations, but I can't even come close due to the overwhelming guilt.That is why I desire marriage, but I still have to some work to do on myself.

 

[dinanicole]

I completely understand that but.....why marriage?

You know what I was thinking - in the Sex and the City movie, Samantha was ok with never getting married. So even if she had a long-term relationship with someone, marriage wasn't necessary. I think I am trying to figure out what makes us see marriage as a necessity for those reasons stated above?[/QUOTE]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I truly feel that society has brainwashed us that he MUST marry you to prove his sincerity. If I do get married. I want a small wedding. I'm not into the whole bridezilla, I'm a princess for a day thing.

 

[JustKiya]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I truly feel that society has brainwashed us that he MUST marry you to prove his sincerity. If I do get married. I want a small wedding. I'm not into the whole bridezilla, I'm a princess for a day thing.

Sincerity? No.
Commitment? Yes.
And that goes for both of us.

You can be all day, everyday, sincere that you want to be with that individual, but until we are married, you haven't fully committed to spending your life with that individual.

At least that's my train of thought.

 

[Bunny77]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I truly feel that society has brainwashed us that he MUST marry you to prove his sincerity. If I do get married. I want a small wedding. I'm not into the whole bridezilla, I'm a princess for a day thing.

I don't consider that societal brainwashing at all.

There are legal protections that married couples have that non-married couples don't have. And yeah, it's not fair, but the drunk couple that stumbles into a wedding chapel in Vegas instantly has more legal rights and protection than the unmarried, but committed couple that's been together for 20 years.

The thing is, MOST men in the USA understand the difference too between making a commitment backed up by legal status and one that's not backed up by anything... which is why so many men deliberately try to avoid getting married in certain cases because they KNOW there's a difference.

So yes, usually if a man is sincere about his commitment to a woman, he will marry her because he knows and understands the legal validation and protection that comes with that piece of paper. A man who marries a woman is also offering her and their future children a greater sense of legal (which often translates into financial as well) protection that girlfriends and "baby mamas" do not get.

That's sincerity at its best to me.

 

[MuseofTroy]

I don't consider that societal brainwashing at all.

There are legal protections that married couples have that non-married couples don't have. And yeah, it's not fair, but the drunk couple that stumbles into a wedding chapel in Vegas instantly has more legal rights and protection than the unmarried, but committed couple that's been together for 20 years.

The thing is, MOST men in the USA understand the difference too between making a commitment backed up by legal status and one that's not backed up by anything... which is why so many men deliberately try to avoid getting married in certain cases because they KNOW there's a difference.

So yes, usually if a man is sincere about his commitment to a woman, he will marry her because he knows and understands the legal validation and protection that comes with that piece of paper. A man who marries a woman is also offering her and their future children a greater sense of legal (which often translates into financial as well) protection that girlfriends and "baby mamas" do not get.

That's sincerity at its best to me.

Cosign.

There is really nothing I can add. If marriage wasn't a big deal, the gays wouldn't be fighting to hard for it.

 

[Raspberry]

I didn't want to get married before I met my husband. I didn't think there was a man out there I'd be willing to put up with for the rest of my natural-born life.

This is where I'm at - I want to get married in theory, but the reality of it doesn't excite me. While I don't want spend the rest of my days "alone," I don't have an intense desire for marriage and family either (especially the kids part).

When I'm deeply attracted to a man I do consider marriage more but that rarely happens. Basically I need the right man to stir up the desire, without that I'm fine with being single.

 

[Raspberry]

I think it would be wise for every woman who ever considers marriage or not -to know the real reason behind her choice, beyond the surface & waaaay beyond the fairytale/wedding stuff.

Actually take the time to know your role as wife, know that you will be required to give as much if not more than what you receive and make the consicous decision to accept this role.

I'm married & wanted to be. Wouldn't marry again though.

I hear you. I feel like I have a ways to go before I'm up for this. Seems like a lot of women are willing to jump head first, which maybe isn't the worst thing considering that the longer you wait to get married the more time you have to think about the downsides lol.

Sometimes I wish I was one of these women for whom marriage and kids is the biggest goal and source of fulfillment.

 

[Bunny77]

Cosign.

There is really nothing I can add. If marriage wasn't a big deal, the gays wouldn't be fighting to hard for it.

Right. After all, if they know they're "committed" in their hearts, then why would they care about marriage UNLESS they see the bigger picture and the larger set of legal rights and social privileges that they would receive?

Shoot, I'm just looking forward to getting better insurance myself. Educators get REALLY good coverage!

 

[Taliah]

With all this discussion, it brings me the question...
What are realistic expectation of a marriage?
What are unrealistic?
Am I setting myself for a big let down of the kind of man I am expecting my SO to be as a husband?

Not to hijack E!!!

Well, I'll say this. Setting your standards is primary because when you marry you will see that expectations change over time.

Just think like this. If you had impossible standards in the relationships with your friends, family or children how do you think they will turn out...
Standards are the reference point for expectations.

 

[Rastafarai]

Gosh this will probably come back to haunt me one day but I'm debating if I want to get married. I'm trying to really understand how marriage will enhance my lifestyle. I really enjoy my life right now. I'm having so much fun in my 20s traveling, hanging out, being a foodie, and casually dating. I have my own money and resources. I'm also picky. I've read too many horror stories of women enduring so much crap. I'm like who do they deal with that? I get pissy if my date shows up 5 minutes late! LOL. I think eventually I will want to get married but right now? No unless I meet an amazing individual. I suppose I should say I haven't met anyone I wanted to really marry.

Sounds a lot like me.

I'm currently a nomad and I'm not sure where life will take me next. I fear getting seriously involved with someone to the point of marriage will limit my potential and desires.

Until I find a base/home where I feel I can settle and start a family, I'm not looking for anything exclusive with intent to marry.

I'll admit though, this might be my fault: planning my life course to a T without realizing that everything may very well not be in my control. This definitely scares me.

 

[Rastafarai]

i didn't wanna get married....

.....but God had different plan.....lol

ETA: I didn't want to get married because I desired to be selfish - I wanted my freedom to talk to whoever, go whereever and do whatever. I wanted to chase my lofty careers goals without the guilty of ignoring my family. I wanted to spend my money any way I wanted. I wanted to be able to keep the house I wanted and live where I wanted (are you noticing all the 'I's?? lol) I enjoyed my single life because it was very much about me (even though I was trying to live for God, being single let me 'get away with' a lot of selfishness that I never truly saw until I got married.

Is it really selfishness to chase after one's personal goals?? Why do you equate having such desires to being selfish?

 

[dinanicole]

i didn't wanna get married....

.....but God had different plan.....lol

ETA: I didn't want to get married because I desired to be selfish - I wanted my freedom to talk to whoever, go whereever and do whatever. I wanted to chase my lofty careers goals without the guilty of ignoring my family. I wanted to spend my money any way I wanted. I wanted to be able to keep the house I wanted and live where I wanted (are you noticing all the 'I's?? lol) I enjoyed my single life because it was very much about me (even though I was trying to live for God, being single let me 'get away with' a lot of selfishness that I never truly saw until I got married.

I knew when I was single that the only reason I would ever let go of my FABULOUS single life was to grow in closer communion with God. I learned that marriage is just another level of ministry - I just never thought I would ever be prepared (or willing) to take such a huge step. I was secretly hoping it wouldnt be necessary lol

-this is me now. I like the idea of marriage and I do long for companionship sometimes. but I'm pretty selfish I've come to realize.
I am also enjoying my "ME-time" <<<---- being single.

 

[dinanicole]

I read all the posts, and Bunny77 as usual says something profound that can't be replicated. I thought about all of the benefits and detriments of marriage. Personally, at 32, I just don't see it happening. I don't want to be negative, but I am so jaded by dating and the whole experience of having absolutely no clue what I am doing when it comes to men, I'm over it. I had the ring finger itch for a couple of years in my 20s. It wore off quick. That is all. It happens, it happens. It doesn't, oh well.

I feel you.
(Hug to you for all the bullcrap )
You'll get what your heart desires whatever that maybe as long as you allow yourself to want it.
Continue having a happy fulfilling life....

 

[kasey]

I didn't grow up entertaining dreams of white dresses and picket fences. But now, I sometimes think I'm missing out on the adventure of really getting to know a person and building a life with them. Usually I feel happy coming home, but this past week, the quiet of my apartment has been a bit to loud.

 

[Bunny77]

I didn't grow up entertaining dreams of white dresses and picket fences. But now, I sometimes think I'm missing out on the adventure of really getting to know a person and building a life with them. Usually I feel happy coming home, but this past week, the quiet of my apartment has been a bit to loud.

I didn't grow up like that either. I laughed at the idea of being interested in wedding shows and buying wedding magazines just for the heck of it, so I always was like when people would say that women only cared about big weddings and not marriages.

Not me or my circle of friends. Please!

But like you all said, sometimes you just reach a point in your life where you decide you're ready. And that's cool. If you're not ready, definitely don't force it, but when/if you are, then embrace it at that time.

People change. What you want at 22, 24, 28, 30, etc., doesn't have to be what you want later on.

 

[kasey]

I laughed at the idea of being interested in wedding shows and buying wedding magazines just for the heck of it.

I think these feelings of aloneness are coming from a couple of recent events: Last week I bumped into an associate/friend with her boyfriend of 10 years at Borders. They were getting wedding books because he proposed to her on New Years Day. On Sunday I attended a birthday party. The wife, a dancer from South Carolina, threw the party for her husband, a drummer from the Ivory Coast. When they met she couldn't speak French and he couldn't speak English, but they connected. They have been married 12 years and you can see how much they really are in sync.

ETA: The Obamas make marriage look fun and easy.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I didn't grow up entertaining dreams of white dresses and picket fences. But now, I sometimes think I'm missing out on the adventure of really getting to know a person and building a life with them. Usually I feel happy coming home, but this past week, the quiet of my apartment has been a bit to loud.

I want a small wedding. I'm not into the whole bridezilla, I'm a princess for a day thing.

I didn't grow up like that either. I laughed at the idea of being interested in wedding shows and buying wedding magazines just for the heck of it, so I always was like when people would say that women only cared about big weddings and not marriages.

Not me or my circle of friends. Please!

I understand COMPLETELY where you ladies are coming from. All of the unnecessary hoopla and extraness regarding weddings and marriage. It's like, WHY is all of that necessary?! I'm going through this problem right now. Matter of fact, I don't want an actual wedding at all. However, FH is Nigerian so we are having a slight discrepancy regarding our impending nuptials. *sigh*

Back to the OP, I've ALWAYS wanted to get married. I may not have always been sure of the package, but marriage wasnt an option it was a necessity. I built my entire life--and proudly so, may I add--around being a wife. College/career choices, daily living, self-maintenance, gender role sentiments, hobbies and all. It's always been a part of my life plan.

 

[barbiesocialite]

ETA: The Obamas make marriage look fun and easy.

Only on the surface.....

I'm a huge Michelle O stan. If anyone were to actually read her and her husband's thoughts/experiences regarding their marriage it's clear as day how much work their marriage is. The average marriage is easier to maintain IMO. From the date nights to accommodating work schedules to caring for their children, maintaining the Obama marriage is such a full-time job Mrs. O had to quit her actual day job! lol But she's also said theyve been on the brink of divorce more than once in the past....

I do admire them as couple tho. Their mutual devotion to their marriage & family is remarkable