Co-Habitation Before Getting Married

[Naveah2050]

I would and have done it but I think a couple of months is too soon especially where there are kids involved! Meshing two households so soon will put undue pressure om the relathionship and cause there is no formal commitment I think that adjustment period is what breaks a lot of couples up.

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

dede1129
I think cohabitation is fine but once you have kids involved.... more time, thought and consideration is required. The children didn't ask to get a new adult in their life 24/7. This is about you and your SO wanting to be together all the time. Its about your desires and wants.

A few months is not enough time to bring your 2 year old child around some man, I'm sorry that is JMO. And yes, I'm jaded because I've taken care of countless abused kids, with non-related adults being the most common perpetrator.

Just think... two years ago, you were committed enough with someone to be married and have a child with them and in a short span of time, you are ready to make that jump again and bring along your child for the ride. Its not fair to the child, IMO. Enjoy your new relationship, spend lots of time with your SO, but put your child first. If your relationship is so great that you want to make it permanent, then do the blended family thing with a firm commitment in place... but to bring kids into a situation for convenience and a test run is just not right

 

[Brit031586]

Personally I'd rather live with an SO before marriage FH and I are living together now... One of my close friends did not live with her SO before they were married and within 2 months of getting married and moving in together they were talking about divorce.her DH found out she's kinda crazy and very messy total opposite of him and other little things caused crazy arguments. They r trying to work it out now but I think had they lived together for a little while they would've see a different side of each other

 

[carcajada]

Given if i were single, I would never do that with ds1, who is 2, or ds2. It's more than just "oh they might get abused" angle. On top of that, you have a small child/toddler who is very sensitive to change in their environment. Seeing someone around is different than the child living with that person. For the stage in development where the child thrives off of routine, bonding, and structure, I wouldn't risk it. And I try my best to provide stability now. I can't imagine attempting to do that as I move in with someone.

 

[greenandchic]

Personally I'd rather live with an SO before marriage FH and I are living together now... One of my close friends did not live with her SO before they were married and within 2 months of getting married and moving in together they were talking about divorce.her DH found out she's kinda crazy and very messy total opposite of him and other little things caused crazy arguments. They r trying to work it out now but I think had they lived together for a little while they would've see a different side of each other

I'm curious how long they dated before marriage. If it was more than a year, assuming it wasn't a long-distance relationship, even some of those things would have come out even without living together.

 

[FemmeCreole]

but none of these are problems indicative of living with a boyfriend, more like problems indicative of dating an inconsiderate and immature man

that's not the point though...the point is that you get to see things about the person you're dating that could be hidden or faked during the course of dating. That's not to say that every man hides his true colors, but it does happen. I'd prefer to know what I'm dealing with before I sign up for it for life.

We dated for one and a half years before we moved in together and it was only during that time I got to see those things.

 

[Evolving78]

if kids are in the mix, don't do it. it takes a lot of time and energy to blend a family. Lord knows it does.

 

[dede1129]

I get what you are all saying. Basically, keep seeing him but dont move in so that would basically mean to scale back 50% of our relationship due to the amount of time I see him. Like I stated before he always spends the night or I do and we workout, grocery shop, church, everything together.

 

[Fine 4s]

What is your opinion on living together prior to marriage?

Do you see it as a benefit or a hinderance towards getting the ring?

I am speaking in reference to someone you are in a committed relationship with.

What if you were not in a rush to get married again? Forget the generalizations...I am talking about me
SO here is the reason for the inquiry on this topic. My SO and I have been together for a few months and we live around the corner from each other and so we are always over each others houses. Literally every night we alternate houses deoending on our workouts and whose turn it is to cook. We alternate that too. We carpool to work together, go to lunch together, work out after work together, then watch movies, cook dinner, eat, then go to bed...together.
So the thing is we live in Hawaii and I pay $1675 for rent and he pays $1795 and to us it does not make sense to pay that much individually when we both occupy both houses. Our kids are intermingled as well. We have both been married before and so we are in no rush to get remarried but we are in a committed relationship and love each other and spending time together we just want to take the step of marriage slow.

I busted out laughing when I read this because that's exactly my situation and I believe I asked a similar question here. Given that I'm in the same situation here's what I went through.

We've been together since October and IMO, it's still too early for me to sell or move all my stuff into his place. My mortgage is simply the price I pay for security. I can go home whenever I want! However, I much rather be at his place (nicer, warmer, laundry IN the house -I do laundry all the time now lol, my commute to work is faster, safer and he has cable lol - my utilities have gone wayyyy down lol). So I'm comfortable doing the back and forth thing for now. At first, I felt like I was moving too fast because I took other people's perspective in consideration way too much. Now, I simply do what feels right to ME and that is, that I stay at his house almost every night until I feel otherwise. I go home every day for a few to take care of my home.

While I'm not thinking about marriage right NOW while I collect data I do plan on making serious decisions after the first year or so. If he's not thinking that, I'm ready to bounce (I must admit we've already talked about that being the long term goal and that I'm not having a child out of wedlock AND that my clock is ticking.)

I enjoyed dating before him and I'll enjoy it after him...So, that being said, still pay your rent OR if anything you can find a cheaper place like a storage box or something LOL!

 

[hopeful]

Fine 4s Would you proceed in the same fashion and as quickly if you had a two year old daughter and the guy had two older children, 6 & 8 years old?

 

[moda]

I get what you are all saying. Basically, keep seeing him but dont move in so that would basically mean to scale back 50% of our relationship due to the amount of time I see him. Like I stated before he always spends the night or I do and we workout, grocery shop, church, everything together.

Why would you have to scale back 50% of your relationship, you are not living together now, right?

I would certainly not move in with him since you have a 2 year old daughter. My mother had no problem with co-habitation while she raised her children. Wrong move on so many levels. Each and every time the relationship dissolved it was like going through divorce for her as well as my siblings and I. If there are not clear cut plans for marriage I don't understand the reasoning. Saving money is awesome but not a real reason to live with a man you have dated for a few months. If you need more money get a cheaper apartment, ask for more child support, or find an additional income source.

I was never really against living with a bf, but now having a daughter I would never want her to believe it is ok. I lived with dh a few months before we got married and I wish I wouldn't have, I would prefer a "do as I say and did" story for dd

 

[wednesday]

I don't think it's a good idea. I have never seen situations like this work out unless the couple was engaged to be married in the very near future.

 

[Fine 4s]

@Fine 4s Would you proceed in the same fashion and as quickly if you had a two year old daughter and the guy had two older children, 6 & 8 years old?

Great questions. While I didn't get the impression that having small children was an issue for OP in this situation, I'm not sure what my position would be. I can swear up and down that I would or wouldn't do something and then come faced with the situation I do something completely opposite. That being said, I would do what's in the best interest of the child/ren.

 

[dede1129]

Ladies, My daughter is NOT an issue with this and that is what i don't think is being portrayed. I will always place her first and if for one second I thought I would be putting her in an uncomfortable situation or in harm's way I wouldn't even consider it. She has her own room at his house and we both are very much involved in her life. He only has his 2 kids for the summer and I have met them and we get along great and look forward to them coming in a couple months. My daughter adores him and she is not confused as far as male figures are concerned because her father is not in the picture (another story). We expressed our concerns about what if we break up or have to do a military move, ect. We both are parents first and lovers next so in both cases we would always do what's best for them.

My daughter and I are content with the living situation, her school is right down the street, her friends live next door, and for us it just works. I am not saying it is for everybody just like despite what you may think marriage itself may not be for everyone but that doesnt mean a committed relationship wouldnt work for now and marriage would be out of the picture.

Bottom line, I Did It, I moved in this week and I feel good about it. My daughter has her own space and we have our own time together daily without him and also time together (dinner time).

For those who are curious, I will keep you all updated!

 

[dede1129]

Just wanted to give you all an update. It's been 3 months since we moved in and we are doing Great! His kids are coming for the summer so I am sure that will be an adventure in itself

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

dede1129 that's awesome to hear! Can I ask how you share your expenses? Everything down the middle?

Does that take the romance out of your relationship at all?

Lastly, since you guys are essentially raising your daughter together (you mentoned she adores him so I'm making an assumption here) are you guys more ready for marriage?

 

[dede1129]

dede1129 that's awesome to hear! Can I ask how you share your expenses? Everything down the middle?

Does that take the romance out of your relationship at all?

Lastly, since you guys are essentially raising your daughter together (you mentoned she adores him so I'm making an assumption here) are you guys more ready for marriage?

Yes, we split the rent and he pays utilities. It works out good because there is no confusion and any other household expenses we share. The romance part is a separate entity that we keep fresh but the finances don't affect it. I know we want to spend our lives together but we are taking it slow as far as marriage is concerned. It will happen one day but no rush as of now just enjoying getting to know each other more

 

[MizAvalon]

I have in the past and it was fine. Wouldn't do it at this stage in my life though without being engaged with a firm wedding date set.

I just don't see any reason to. If we're only dating, then you live at your place and I live at mine.