When should your SO give you a key....

[IMFOCSD]

In your initial post you stated that you asked him the FIRST time, and he didn't answer.

You stated that you asked him AGAIN and that's when the argument started.

You asked once, and that should have been it---asking twice is pressuring. Trust..he heard you the first time.

I will agree that he should not have responded to you in that manner. However, you said that you just visited this man for the first time a month ago. This was only your second visit.

Again--his delivery regarding the key was not cool, but if I were him, I wouldn't give you a key either. You said no one knows your situation and you're correct, however we can only comment on the information that you have provided.
It appears no matter what anyone says, you will make excuses as to why it was okay for you and your kids to sit outside this man's house for an hour while he was at work.

Since he doesn't get off until 11pm--or later, that means you all were sitting in the dark for an hour.
You asked when should your SO give you a key? Again, my answer is when he is ready, and your SO has already told you in two ways--verbally and non verbally that he isn't ready to go there with you.

I detect a salty tone in many of your responses to others, when no one appeared to be coming at you in a negative manner.
There are going to be varying opinions when you ask a question on this board, but you can continue to pick and choose the positive responses that suit you.

Hello,

Yes I asked him for a key a month ago..and after no answer I was done with it until now....the conversations between me and him within that month have been how much he wants me to move in..so he can take care of me and my kids, and be a family and get married...he's ready to be the man i need blah blah blah...so..u want me to move in...but you dont want me to have a key...hmm..

The arguement did not happen until he disrespected me.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Like...he made a key to your car without your permission?

OR

He asked you he could have a key to your car and you said yes...then he went and had a key made?

I'm just really curious about that...

He picked me up from work oneday and had his own key in my ignition and said "baby I made a key, is that okay"...I said it was cool..I did not trip because we were in a relationship.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Um, why does he have keys to YOUR car? You live 5 hours away from him. Even if he's coming to visit you, he can use his own car or RENT one if he likes his own personal space so much.

People are more than willing to take whatever you let them have. It doesn't mean that you will get what you want/need in return. What are you getting out of this?

sorry, I got me key back a while ago..

 

[ladylibra_30]

OP, I know that you are in defense mode. I am not saying that everyone who replied is correct, however, it is their opinion, which you asked for. Yes, people could respond minus the slickness but there still may be something to take away from the post. So, take what is offered and leave the rest. We all know the answers to our questions when seeking "advice" and just want some confirmation (but it's always best to go with your instinct when you feel something is awry).

Also, never do anything for anyone 1- thinking he'll reciprocate 2- unless it's really out of the kindness of your heart or you are setting yourself up for resentment and disappointment. Big time.


This is your relationship and your emotional/mental health - Just do what is right for you and by your post - this isn't right.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Op somehow I still feel you don't get this. Go back and read your initial posts and subsequent posts. The whole situation is ridiculous and dude is using you. Don't justify his behavior anymore. You knew something was wrong when you posted your situation. If everything was peachy keen there would be no need for this thread. Happy people don't post threads when everything is all good in their situation. More often than not you will just hear the bad. The sooner you drop him the sooner you can get yourself together in life and make your heart and spirit available for the man who truly deserves you and your kids. It's a new year. No more toxic relationships and wasting your time.

Thanks for posting

This whole situation just happened yesterday and I made this thread to get feed back and advice...of course I can see that everything is not peaches and cream or like you said I would not have made the thread. I have been thinking of new things while I type and post and of course I see things that I did not realize at first. I knew what I was gonna do a while ago but I chose to respond to everyones cmments.

 

[IMFOCSD]

OP, I know that you are in defense mode. I am not saying that everyone who replied is correct, however, it is their opinion, which you asked for. Yes, people could respond minus the slickness but there still may be something to take away from the post. So, take what is offered and leave the rest.

We all know the answers to our questions when seeking "advice" and just want some confirmation (it's always best to go with your instinct when you feel something is awry ). Also, never do anything for anyone 1- thinking he'll reciprocate 2- unless it's really out of the kindness of your heart or you are setting yourself up for resentment and disappointment. Big time.


This is your relationship and your emotional/mental health - Just do what is right for you and by your post - this isn't right.[/QUOT

I totally agree with the bolded...and of coirse im gonna do whats best for me and my kids...the whole point of us getting back together was to move forward and plan for the future...or whats the point in being together...the whole key situation reminded me of how controlling men can be. I am not a prisioner and will not live with my supposedly man and future husband if i cant get a key to a place that will soon be ours( or would have been).

 

[snillohsss]

OP, I know that you are in defense mode. I am not saying that everyone who replied is correct, however, it is their opinion, which you asked for. Yes, people could respond minus the slickness but there still may be something to take away from the post. So, take what is offered and leave the rest.

We all know the answers to our questions when seeking "advice" and just want some confirmation (it's always best to go with your instinct when you feel something is awry ). Also, never do anything for anyone 1- thinking he'll reciprocate 2- unless it's really out of the kindness of your heart or you are setting yourself up for resentment and disappointment. Big time.


This is your relationship and your emotional/mental health - Just do what is right for you and by your post - this isn't right.[/QUOT

I totally agree with the bolded...and of coirse im gonna do whats best for me and my kids...the whole point of us getting back together was to move forward and plan for the future...or whats the point in being together...the whole key situation reminded me of how controlling men can be. I am not a prisioner and will not live with my supposedly man and future husband if i cant get a key to a place that will soon be ours( or would have been).

OP is this man controlling?

 

[RegaLady]

I think you should've asked for a key. We go on and on about don't settle for this and settle for that, but when it comes down to simple things like keys we tell people that they should not be asking for something such as this.

OP, he should give them to you. Any man who is really into you and having a future with you will be willing to share intimate sides of himself. However they should do it when they are ready. I think it should be no keys, no visits. Not giving him ultimatums but just holding back and rewarding him when you are getting something in return.

Dh gave me keys when he was working alot and he wanted me there when he got home. It was a MAJOR step in our relationship, but it was a gradual move. However, he was the one who decided when he was ready to give them. But I steered himWe made an unspoken pact, I got keys he got dinner and dessert when he got home from work.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Hello, thanks for responding

@ snillo, idk how to put how he is...he is more of a he wants what he wants when he wants it..idk, me and this person have been through alot and this was just the last straw to me..we are complete opposites..he is a leo and I am an aquarius, I am kinda quiet, layed back, sweet type of person and he is the aggressive, outspoken type, a true male leo lol.

@ readyone...I honestly dont see anything wrong with asking a man for a key when he wants us to live together in the same place where he is now..it just does not add up IMO.

I feel that if a person was in my shoes they would understand.

 

[Skyfall]

His actions don't match his words, he's talking about marriage and moving in together but doesn't want to give you a key? Not adding up.
To me it sounds like he's just fulling your head up with talk, is inconsiderate since he made a copy of the key to your car without your consent and is stubborn as a bull. I don't get the feeling that he's necessarily controlling but just wants his own way, without thought to anyone else, and if you disagree, well he's not backing down as you've seen.

 

[IMFOCSD]

His actions don't match his words, he's talking about marriage and moving in together but doesn't want to give you a key? Not adding up.
To me it sounds like he's just fulling your head up with talk, is inconsiderate since he made a copy of the key to your car without your consent and is stubborn as a bull. I don't get the feeling that he's necessarily controlling but just wants his own way, without thought to anyone else, and if you disagree, well he's not backing down as you've seen.

i actually agree with everything you posted...its only obvious.

 

[Carrie A]

Seems like there are some unresolved trust issues between the two of you.... Or on your part. Hence speculation about whether he is hiding something in the op.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Seems like there are some unresolved trust issues between the two of you.... Or on your part. Hence speculation about whether he is hiding something in the op.

Hello carrie,

I stated either he is hiding something or being controlling...I named both when I first started the thread. I really dont know what to think anymore. If he had something to hide he wouldna left me alone in his home and i doubt if he would want me to move with him if he was doing something...but then again i put nothing past no one. i trully believe the situation was a control issue thing.

I honestly have had time to think things through and I have made up my mind on what I want to do..and I say i because the whole relationship was basically him getting what he wants out of the relationship..which i always tell him its about give and take...not take take take smh.

I am so good and will be keeping my distance and no communication for a while. this was way deeper than just a key..but it is what it is, im good.

 

[MissMasala5]

OP, I like that you're being pretty introspective in your posts regarding this situation. While I do admit, like other posters have stated, that something isn't adding up, all I can add at this point is this: "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them".

 

[glamazon386]

I am wondering if people are reading all of my posts...I stated before that he wants me to move with him soon! Like before this month is up..he is even gonna pay for everything..which is his responsibility because he wants me there...as I said before I am not living with a man and cannot have a key..once i move in the my becomes our..so if he wants me there so soon..whats the big deal about the key??..its called control issues...

You're right. If he wants you to move in with him is he not going to have to give you a key? How is that going to work? Maybe he doesn't really want you to move in with him. Maybe it just sounded good at the time so he said it. Or maybe he's having second thoughts about it now. I mean sure he told you all of this, he was going to pay for everything, etc. but none of that has come to fruition just yet. And to be honest, I don't think it's going to. I think he was just talking. Actions speak much louder than words. If he really wanted you there like he says he does none of this would be happening. I mean come on let's be forreal, it takes five minutes and a few dollars to go to Home Depot and get a key copied. You could have done it yourself when you had his key. But that wouldn't have been a good idea based on everything you've said about this whole situation.

 

[IMFOCSD]

OP, I like that you're being pretty introspective in your posts regarding this situation. While I do admit, like other posters have stated, that something Wisn't adding up, all I can add at this point is this: "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them".

This one of my favorite sayings...its def real talk..

 

[IMFOCSD]

You're right. If he wants you to move in with him is he not going to have to give you a key? How is that going to work? Maybe he doesn't really want you to move in with him. Maybe it just sounded good at the time so he said it. Or maybe he's having second thoughts about it now. I mean sure he told you all of this, he was going to pay for everything, etc. but none of that has come to fruition just yet. And to be honest, I don't think it's going to. I think he was just talking. Actions speak much louder than words. If he really wanted you there like he says he does none of this would be happening. I mean come on let's be forreal, it takes five minutes and a few dollars to go to Home Depot and get a key copied. You could have done it yourself when you had his key. But that wouldn't have been a good idea based on everything you've said about this whole situation.

Hey,

It has not happened yet because i told him im not breaking my lease...thats a bad look on my behalf lol...no way. He has been asking me everyday for the past couple months but i am just now taking things into consideration..we even talked about it before the argument.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

In general terms when they are ready to give up the key. If my SO asks me for a key i would politely tell him no. Only because Ive seen very heated breakups and people where scared to stay at their own house and worried about their belongings because their SO had a key and couldnt change the locks right that minute. Also for myself I would feel that its giving someone else permission to just drop by at anytime and im not ready for that just yet

But besides him saying no to the key issue, as you and other people have stated, there bigger red flags.

 

[Curlybeauty]

So many excuses going on.

Men constantly show their true colors, and somewhere down the line folks get color blind.

With or without investments being made, at some point folks need to learn how to take their losses and KIM.

No shots fired, just giving the opinion you asked for. Hope all is well.

 

[IMFOCSD]

In general terms when they are ready to give up the key. If my SO asks me for a key i would politely tell him no. Only because Ive seen very heated breakups and people where scared to stay at their own house and worried about their belongings because their SO had a key and couldnt change the locks right that minute. Also for myself I would feel that its giving someone else permission to just drop by at anytime and im not ready for that just yet

But besides him saying no to the key issue, as you and other people have stated, there bigger red flags.

Girl I am so done with this thread lol...but I will respond to your post..

He had been asking me to move in with him for about two months or so...and out of convinience for me and him I asked for a key for the time I would come to visit him. I told him I wanted to wait till november to avoid me breaking my lease..which he wants me with him this month...so with all that being said i have no idea why me getting a key was a big deal..especially since I would be living there soon..and the "his" apartment woulda been "our" apartment. Once his lease is up we would have gotten a bigger place together...those were the plans, I didnt wanna have to sign another lease to stay where I am now so we chose to do it that way. So for a man to have the nerve to say all the things he said to me after making these type of plans are..or were baffling to me. I totally feel that it is a control issue...he get what he wants by me moving with him...but I dont get what I want which would have been a key..until he says so...nah..im good.

I could honestly care less now...I dont even want the key anymore, his mouth got him into trouble lol..I have my own place so I'm good.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Thanks for the responses ladies but I am so done with this thread and the whole situation period...it is what it is...Im good.

 

[anon123]

Op I am sorry if you felt slighted by comments here but let's be honest this board is a very tough crowd and folks don't hesitate to keep it one hundred. If anything you got unbiased opinions andsometimes that is helpful to be objective regarding a situation.

Exactly. I know you feel attacked, OP, and I can understand that. It's hard to hear people basically telling you that you may be in the wrong. But you did post asking for opinions. What it seems like is that you were really looking for cosigners. Everyone who agrees with you is giving real talk, and everyone who doesn't just doesn't understand the situation. If you already had your mind made up, why ask?

I mean, did you ask him what he was thinking the key situation was going to be if and when you moved in with him? Maybe he's thinking that when you move in, you will have a key, but not before then. Like Mai Tai said, that doesn't seem totally unreasonable. Some other things he has said and done do, though. I think Mai Tai's post really hit the nail on the head.

 

[Poohbear]

I am wondering if people are reading all of my posts...I stated before that he wants me to move with him soon! Like before this month is up..he is even gonna pay for everything..which is his responsibility because he wants me there...as I said before I am not living with a man and cannot have a key..once i move in the my becomes our..so if he wants me there so soon..whats the big deal about the key??..its called control issues...

Yes, I'm sure everyone in this thread are reading all your posts and have read where you said he wants you to move in with him and marry you, BUT it's highly unbelievable given what you have said about him in your initial post. erplexed

How can a man want you to move in with him soon if he has said, "NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE A KEY TO MY PLACE!"???

If having a key before you live with him wasn't a big deal to you, you wouldn't have created a thread and asked about it here at LHCF.

 

[Curlybeauty]

Yes, I'm sure everyone in this thread are reading all your posts and have read where you said he wants you to move in with him and marry you, BUT it's highly unbelievable given what you have said about him in your initial post. erplexed

How can a man want you to move in with him soon if he has said, "NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE A KEY TO MY PLACE!"???

If having a key before you live with him wasn't a big deal to you, you wouldn't have created a thread and asked about it here at LHCF.

Poohbear girl you getting buck

My kinda girl!

 

[IMFOCSD]

Hmm, I coulda swore I said this whole situation is done ...today is a new day and this thread is still getting responses after I said everything is done smh lol..there is nothing more to talk about...it is what it is...this thread is dead and old...If I am over it...then why are other people still on it? erplexed The situation has been handled, just like any other woman handles a situation. I'm good, I'm chillin and i'm doin me.

its time to KEEP IT MOVIN.....

 

[kandake]

Hmm, I coulda swore I said this whole situation is done ...today is a new day and this thread is still getting responses after I said everything is done smh lol..there is nothing more to talk about...it is what it is...this thread is dead and old...If I am over it...then why are other people still on and it. The situation has been handled, just like any other woman handles a situation. I'm good, I'm chillin and i'm doin me.

its time to KEEP IT MOVIN.....

Girl, the only way this discussion is going to be over is if you have the mods lock it. Otherwise its liable to go on for another 2-3 pages. With people drawing new conclusions with every post.

I'm sure you've learned your lesson though. Don't ask LHCF sheet about your personal life. Unless of course you really want them to dissect your life/relationship like they trying to get an A+ in biology class.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Girl, the only way this discussion is going to be over is if you have the mods lock it. Otherwise its liable to go on for another 2-3 pages. With people drawing new conclusions with every post.

I'm sure you've learned your lesson though. Don't ask LHCF sheet about your personal life. Unless of course you really want them to dissect your life/relationship like they trying to get an A+ in biology class.

LMMFAO!! I bet this thread will go on smh, there is no way anyone can dissect another person's life/relationship off of a forum unless someone has a lil bit too much time on their hands, we dont know eachother personally. I only come in this forum like once a year..I'm always in the hair forum..which is less drama from what I can see. How does a person get rowled up about another persons life? The person who is in the situation is wayyyy over it..and other people cant even get over it....Wow..

Take care ladies..

 

[Poohbear]

Hmm, I coulda swore I said this whole situation is done ...today is a new day and this thread is still getting responses after I said everything is done smh lol..there is nothing more to talk about...it is what it is...this thread is dead and old...If I am over it...then why are other people still on it? erplexed The situation has been handled, just like any other woman handles a situation. I'm good, I'm chillin and i'm doin me.

its time to KEEP IT MOVIN.....

If you were really done and over it, you wouldn't have made this post quoted above... you know that posting to a thread just bumps it up for even more people to comment on. And you would have made a request to a moderator to lock this thread like kandake said.

 

[Poohbear]

LMMFAO!! I bet this thread will go on smh, there is no way anyone can dissect another person's life/relationship off of a forum unless someone has a lil bit too much time on their hands, we dont know eachother personally. I only come in this forum like once a year..I'm always in the hair forum..which is less drama from what I can see. How does a person get rowled up about another persons life? The person who is in the situation is wayyyy over it..and other people cant even get over it....Wow..

Take care ladies..

Once a year? Yeah right...

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=9840798&postcount=17

01-10-2010, 04:43 PM

LDRs are hard work, man I was in one...never again.... We were separated for about 5 months & it ended . Communication is the key, along with trust and understanding.

I wish you 2 the best.

Is this the same guy that now wants you to move in and get married, but won't let you have that key?

 

[IMFOCSD]

If you were really done and over it, you wouldn't have made this post quoted above... you know that posting to a thread just bumps it up for even more people to comment on. And you would have made a request to a moderator to lock this thread like kandake said.

O it has been done lol...and since I am the creator of this thread I can say what I want, Usually the creator of a thread is the one who has the last response by either thanking everyone for their time and comments and letting them know the situation has been handled...I was done with this thread lastnight and politely thanked everyone for their comments...I am not the one who bumped the thread until I had to remind people that its over with after I saw more respones