When should your SO give you a key....

[IMFOCSD]

OP, he did give an answer. I'm sure he heard the question so him refusing to verbally answer was all the answer you needed. I hope things get better for you OP

Thank you, I am not the beat around the bush type of person...be a man and speak your mind..and choose your words wisely or your words will cost you...thats how I feel lol and thats why I asked again.

 

[IMFOCSD]

If you take it upon yourself to make a key to his home, you will have even bigger problems.[/QUOTE

naw, it aint that serious lol..I dont want it that bad...I dont want it at all anymore.

 

[kandake]

Looks like you've made your decision. I hope everything works out.

 

[IMFOCSD]

]This man has a right to his privacy, and a right to identify an appropriate time to hand out keys to his place[/B]. The key refusal itself is not a red flag situation , but here is what is:

1. Him making a key to her car, without her permission I assume, is a red flag.

2. Him not aranging other means to assure that OP and her babies made it indoors safely and comfortably AFTER a 5 hour drive is a red flag.

3. Him "talking" about marriage which involves the HIGHEST amount of trust and respect, yet making statements like "My own momma don't have a key to my place!" This translates to "If I won't give my own momma a key, what makes you think you are going to get one," thus placing OP, the woman he says he wants to marry, on an even lower playing field then his own mother. This is a huge freaking, billowing in the wind with blinking lights, red flag.

I know sometime here on LHCF, we are quick to write men off on any little indescretion, but this man is showing OP what he really is/isn't about. No man would even think of saying that to a woman he loves, cares for and cherishes, a woman who has stuck it out with him during the tough times, a woman with 2 small children who just traveled 5 hours to see his rusty behind, and definately not to a woman he "wants" to marry, and build a life with.

HMM, How am I taking away from his privacy and what not by having my own key? I dont live around the corner from him and Im not into just popping up over a mans house just to peep the scene and invade his space. I live 5 hours away from this man and I would have used the key to let myself in and out of the place he wants me to move to. the whole situation was stupid to me...how are you gonna ask me to move in with you and then get upset becasue I asked for a key...its gonna happen anyway because im not moving with someone if i cant have a key..PERIOD!

He needs to MAN UP!! Talkin about me us becoming engaged and he wants to be a man and marry me blah blah blah.

I know what I am dealing with and I know the situation..he should have given me the supposedly future wife a key when i asked the first time PERIOD!! Who gets an engagement ring before they get a key to the place..especially since HE WANTS ME TO MOVE IN...where they do that at? he wanted me to move in this month but im not breaking my lease

 

[Moonpie8]

*Lights up a newport one hunnit*

phuck da key. why u drivin to see him 5 hours away with ur kids in tow? dis is ur second visit to him. why can't he get in his car and inconvenience himself to see you?

chile puleez. i'm still tryna understand why yall had to sit in da car for anotha hour afta u got there. didn't he know yall was comin?

why u pressed for a key? let him come to ur house. dat'll solve all of that cuz i'd be dayum'd if imma git in my car, drive 5 hours, u know i'm coming...then gotta sit there n wait until he feels like comin home to letchu in.

i think u askin da wrong questions. gas hi as hell to be drivin some 5 hours to bytch about a key.

nobody should have the key to nobody's crib unless he has paid your rent for the past 6 months (on time) and even then...

or unless yall married. das it n das all. now, if his momma ain't gettin da key and you phuckin him, and you ain't gettin da key, dat to me says a lot.

you said it all then and was right on the money!! if you aint paying no bills or live there you dont need no key just saying

 

[Moonpie8]

HMM, How am I taking away from his privacy and what not by having my own key? I dont live around the corner from him and Im not into just popping up over a mans house just to peep the scene and invade his space. I live 5 hours away from this man and I would have used the key to let myself in and out of the place he wants me to move to. the whole situation was stupid to me...how are you gonna ask me to move in with you and then get upset becasue I asked for a key...its gonna happen anyway because im not moving with someone if i cant have a key..PERIOD!

He needs to MAN UP!! Talkin about me us becoming engaged and he wants to be a man and marry me blah blah blah.

I know what I am dealing with and I know the situation..he should have given me the supposedly future wife a key when i asked the first time PERIOD!! Who gets an engagement ring before they get a key to the place..especially since HE WANTS ME TO MOVE IN...where they do that at? he wanted me to move in this month but im not breaking my lease

He hasnt but a ring on it yet or put you on the lease so that is just all talk... you up in arms about the key but maybe he aint ready to commit and he isnt ready to give up his privacy by allowing you to have a keep and come and go as you like.

 

[IMFOCSD]

you said it all then and was right on the money!! if you aint paying no bills or live there you dont need no key just saying

sweety you or her..or anyone else has the slightest clue as to what I do or have done...jussayn..

 

[IMFOCSD]

He hasnt but a ring on it yet or put you on the lease so that is just all talk... you up in arms about the key but maybe he aint ready to commit and he isnt ready to give up his privacy by allowing you to have a keep and come and go as you like.

It dont matter if im on the lease..he's asking me to move in..therefore i would have a key anyway....our leases are up around then same time and then we were gonna get a different place together. I was gonna choose to move before his lease is up to avoid having to sign another lease where i am currently.

 

[Mai Tai]

HMM, How am I taking away from his privacy and what not by having my own key? I dont live around the corner from him and Im not into just popping up over a mans house just to peep the scene and invade his space. I live 5 hours away from this man and I would have used the key to let myself in and out of the place he wants me to move to. the whole situation was stupid to me...how are you gonna ask me to move in with you and then get upset becasue I asked for a key...its gonna happen anyway because im not moving with someone if i cant have a key..PERIOD!

He needs to MAN UP!! Talkin about me us becoming engaged and he wants to be a man and marry me blah blah blah.

I know what I am dealing with and I know the situation..he should have given me the supposedly future wife a key when i asked the first time PERIOD!! Who gets an engagement ring before they get a key to the place..especially since HE WANTS ME TO MOVE IN...where they do that at? he wanted me to move in this month but im not breaking my lease

Did you even read my whole post? I'm agreeing with you...

Regarding the bolded...Different people have different definitions of what "privacy" means to them. The bottom line is he has the right to refuse to give you a key based on what may be HIS definition of privacy, but how he said it, and what he said implies a lot more.

 

[IMFOCSD]

welp, I gotta pick my daughter up from school..so ill be looking forward to reading and responding to the many posts awaitng lol.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Did you even read my whole post? I'm agreeing with you...

Regarding the bolded...Different people have different definitions of what "privacy" means to them. The bottom line is he has the right to refuse to give you a key based on what may be HIS definition of privacy, but how he said it, and what he said implies a lot more.

O I am soo sorry lol did not read...I have gotten used to having to defend myself in this thread...thanks so much though.

 

[IMFOCSD]

Did you even read my whole post? I'm agreeing with you...

Regarding the bolded...Different people have different definitions of what "privacy" means to them. The bottom line is he has the right to refuse to give you a key based on what may be HIS definition of privacy, but how he said it, and what he said implies a lot more.

this is true but if i cant get a key, im not moving in. it just doesnt make sense to me.

 

[Krullete]

From a slightly different perspective:

When my friends come visit me - at my invitation - from other countries (anywhere from 1.5 hrs. to 9 hrs. flight time, plus add'l travel), I am happy to loan them a set of housekeys for the duration of their stay with me (if they stay in my home, and not in a hotel).

For me, this is only practical, as they can engage in their own shared/solo activities and exploration at some times during their stay (when I am working or otherwise occupied), and let themselves into my home again upon their return if I am absent.

It is simply a matter of trust.

If I can trust my friends enough to close my eyes and sleep peacefully with them under the same roof with me, I should certainly be able to trust that they will not misuse the freedom of access granted during their stay. This should be all the more true if the "friend" is actually a "lover."

 

[MayaB12]

This thread is heating up...

The beauty of this board is you get all kinds of opinions - the good, bad ugly and everything in between. Friends and family tend to co-sign with everything we are saying (to our faces at least) Here, people don't owe to anything and they will tell you the truth as they see it. Also OP keep in mind that people don't have the whole background story, they don't know you or him and are providing advice or feedback based on the limited information you provide.

And to be honest people are giving you the side eye because you took your children with you.

 

[Carrie A]

Well key or no key, harsh or kind I think everyone agrees there are some red flags.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I haven't read through all the comments so if you have answered this already, forgive me. But ... if he is willing to let you move in with him, why does giving you a key upset him so much? He does realize that if you lived with him, whatever issues he has with privacy/giving out his key, would be irrelevant. If he trusts you to live with him, why doesn't he trust you to have his key?

 

[snillohsss]

I just read ghis post to my hubby and asked him what he thinks from a mans perspective. He said dude doesn't want you to have a key because he doesn't want you to just pop up on him. As long as you don't have a key you have to let him know you're coming.

Sorta makes sense OP.

 

[Syrah]

Sometimes I feel we as women sacrifice too much for men who show themselves not to be worthy of those sacrifices. We have got do much better in picking better partners.

Another instance of "some man is better than no man".

You like me. You want to get to know me. You come see me unless there are circumstances that are barring that from happening...

 

[glamazon386]

When he feels like giving you one. *shrugs* It's his place.

 

[NaturalRed]

I know you stated earlier in the thread that you guys are past the "dating" phase and that he's been pressuring you to move in with him and engagment, but you really need to sit back and ask yourself if a man that doesn't think twice about letting you and your kids sit in a car waiting for him in the middle of the night is worth it. For that reason alone, he should either make arrangements to be home when you're coming, or give you a key.

And on a serious tip, it's time for you to take back that key to your car too.

 

[Cien]

....to his place?

I am in a relationship with a guy and we have experienced so many ups and downs (his fault). I forgave him after a year of being apart. We both live in Texas but different cities...5hrs aprt. I came to visit him for the first time about a month ago and I had to take his key to get in and out the house which caused him to be locked out. I asked him then for a key to his apartment...no answer. I visited him again this past weekend and after driving for 5 hours me and my kids had to sit in my car for another hour because he was not home and of course I could not get into his place. The day after I had to keep his key while he was at work and he tells me I have to walk all the way to the front gate to let him in or having his key isnt gonna work. I asked him again for a key and we had an argument about it..him saying no one will get a key to place..not even his mama erplexed...huh??

I am starting to feel like he may have something to hide....or he is being controlling, either way its not cool. I wanted to tell him it was over..again. I have done alot for this person and been there for them and he was being so mean about a stupid key...the only time I would use it is when I would come visit him..maybe once or twice a month...am i wrong for asking for a key? I Dont wanna jump to conclusions.

Okay sigh..this is becoming overwhelming lol,

Nobody is pressuring anybody about a key...it was a simple question that could have been answered in a better manner. Me and my kids are always strapped up,in a car traveling...its something we enjoy doing..its our quality time. In this case he payed my way there and back both times. He was at work at when we got there...not at a club or bar. He cant just leave work so i kinda understood that. As I stated before he does not get off work until 11pm or later..which he thought he was getting off earlier but his boss said no. Like I said once before I dont expect anyone to agree with me becasue nobody knows the situation at hand. He is the one that wants what he want when he wants it. I dont ask for anything from him unless its a need, but you know it is what it is.

In your initial post you stated that you asked him the FIRST time, and he didn't answer.

You stated that you asked him AGAIN and that's when the argument started.

You asked once, and that should have been it---asking twice is pressuring. Trust..he heard you the first time.

I will agree that he should not have responded to you in that manner. However, you said that you just visited this man for the first time a month ago. This was only your second visit.

Again--his delivery regarding the key was not cool, but if I were him, I wouldn't give you a key either. You said no one knows your situation and you're correct, however we can only comment on the information that you have provided.
It appears no matter what anyone says, you will make excuses as to why it was okay for you and your kids to sit outside this man's house for an hour while he was at work.

Since he doesn't get off until 11pm--or later, that means you all were sitting in the dark for an hour.
You asked when should your SO give you a key? Again, my answer is when he is ready, and your SO has already told you in two ways--verbally and non verbally that he isn't ready to go there with you.

I detect a salty tone in many of your responses to others, when no one appeared to be coming at you in a negative manner.
There are going to be varying opinions when you ask a question on this board, but you can continue to pick and choose the positive responses that suit you.

 

[qchelle]

Like...he made a key to your car without your permission?

OR

He asked you he could have a key to your car and you said yes...then he went and had a key made?

I'm just really curious about that...

 

[NaturalRed]

I just read ghis post to my hubby and asked him what he thinks from a mans perspective. He said dude doesn't want you to have a key because he doesn't want you to just pop up on him. As long as you don't have a key you have to let him know you're coming.

Sorta makes sense OP.

Sad thing is that when he knows she's coming, she still ends up sitting in the car for an hour in the dark. I get that he couldn't get off work last minute, this time, but he needs to come up with a different plan so that it doesn't happen again.

I get the popping up thing, but that's where ground rules come into play. My own mom, and older sister had a key to my and my twin's place, but our number 1 rule was that they couldn't use their keys unless we knew they were coming. Using the key unannouced would result in us taking the key back. They never used their keys.

The pipe from an apartment upstairs from me busted and I had to leave my apartment for a few days while they cleaned it up and treated for mold. I moved in briefly with my SO, and he gave me a key. I always called him when I was on my way home from work, and I always knocked when I got there and let him open the door to let me in. The only time I used his key when I was there was to lock the door behind me when I left to go to work.

Now he didn't set any rules for me while I had his key, I just followed my own rules out or respect for not actually being a bill payer at his place.

 

[IMFOCSD]

From a slightly different perspective:

When my friends come visit me - at my invitation - from other countries (anywhere from 1.5 hrs. to 9 hrs. flight time, plus add'l travel), I am happy to loan them a set of housekeys for the duration of their stay with me (if they stay in my home, and not in a hotel).

For me, this is only practical, as they can engage in their own shared/solo activities and exploration at some times during their stay (when I am working or otherwise occupied), and let themselves into my home again upon their return if I am absent.

It is simply a matter of trust.

If I can trust my friends enough to close my eyes and sleep peacefully with them under the same roof with me, I should certainly be able to trust that they will not misuse the freedom of access granted during their stay. This should be all the more true if the "friend" is actually a "lover."

Hello!

thanks for the response and you are right..it is a matter of trust and I have never given him a reasno not to trust me...its ironic because he is the one that has broken the trust while I continued to be the good woman..so yeah im lost lol...but it is what it is and I am done withe the nonsense.

 

[IMFOCSD]

This thread is heating up...

The beauty of this board is you get all kinds of opinions - the good, bad ugly and everything in between. Friends and family tend to co-sign with everything we are saying (to our faces at least) Here, people don't owe to anything and they will tell you the truth as they see it. Also OP keep in mind that people don't have the whole background story, they don't know you or him and are providing advice or feedback based on the limited information you provide.

And to be honest people are giving you the side eye because you took your children with you.

Thanks for responding,

First off the only truth in this thread is what I have been stating..anything else is just other peoples opinions...and I could care less about people giving me the side eye becasue I decided to take my children. I'm a grown woman..they are my kids...would it had been better if I would have left them at home alone? My kids go where I go..unless they are not allowed and if they are not allowed I am not allowed. Me and this man are in a relationship (for the moment) so if my kids are not allowed at his home then..thats def a big no no.

 

[TrueToHair]

nah, just like he made himself a key to my car...I want my own key. the point of me having my own key is to avoid unneeded trips to his job which is an additional 45 mins away. That defeats the purpose I would rather jus keep using his key if imma just leave it berore i travel back home.

thanks anyway, it might be a good idea for someone else.

Um, why does he have keys to YOUR car? You live 5 hours away from him. Even if he's coming to visit you, he can use his own car or RENT one if he likes his own personal space so much.

People are more than willing to take whatever you let them have. It doesn't mean that you will get what you want/need in return. What are you getting out of this?

 

[IMFOCSD]

I just read ghis post to my hubby and asked him what he thinks from a mans perspective. He said dude doesn't want you to have a key because he doesn't want you to just pop up on him. As long as you don't have a key you have to let him know you're coming.

Sorta makes sense OP.

Thankd for responding...

hmm, this is funny becaude I live 5 hours away and I have a life...my daughter goes to school everyday..I dont have time to drive 5 hours just to pop up on a man ...I am so not that type of woman..if I am with a man I feel that I have to check up on then its time for me to keep it movin lol.

 

[IMFOCSD]

When he feels like giving you one. *shrugs* It's his place.

I am wondering if people are reading all of my posts...I stated before that he wants me to move with him soon! Like before this month is up..he is even gonna pay for everything..which is his responsibility because he wants me there...as I said before I am not living with a man and cannot have a key..once i move in the my becomes our..so if he wants me there so soon..whats the big deal about the key??..its called control issues...

 

[IMFOCSD]

I know you stated earlier in the thread that you guys are past the "dating" phase and that he's been pressuring you to move in with him and engagment, but you really need to sit back and ask yourself if a man that doesn't think twice about letting you and your kids sit in a car waiting for him in the middle of the night is worth it. For that reason alone, he should either make arrangements to be home when you're coming, or give you a key.

And on a serious tip, it's time for you to take back that key to your car too.

Hello,

As I stated in one of my other posts he planned on getting off work in time to be there before we got there. It got busy at his job and he could not leave as planned...which is one of the reasons why the whole key situation came up.

 

[VelvetRain]

Op somehow I still feel you don't get this. Go back and read your initial posts and subsequent posts. The whole situation is ridiculous and dude is using you. Don't justify his behavior anymore. You knew something was wrong when you posted your situation. If everything was peachy keen there would be no need for this thread. Happy people don't post threads when everything is all good in their situation. More often than not you will just hear the bad. The sooner you drop him the sooner you can get yourself together in life and make your heart and spirit available for the man who truly deserves you and your kids. It's a new year. No more toxic relationships and wasting your time.