erplexed 
Sometimes people need time to be in their own head, and to work through their own issues - and that's what she gave him - while still insuring that he was a 'part' - functional, or not - of the family and household they had built together. Does that mean he was a crappy husband for a while? Yes, but he was still her husband. Does that mean that she might come home one day, and he's packed and left? Yes, but that would take him coming to some solid belief/certainty in his own mind, not being encouraged to go there by a wife willing to fight - or push - him away. Was it a certainty that she would win? No - that's why she gave herself - and him - six months. But it's a crapload more than most people give their marriages - or each other. 
I agree 100% with this point and have seen it made in several comments about this article. My DH has always said, however, that a person can only give "100% of their 50%" in a relationship (he said this when discussing past relationships where women had taken advantage of his kindness). I've heard a lot of women complain about the consequences of being the "glue" that holds their relationships (marriages and committed LTRs with "good" men) together and giving 200% while DH/SO gives 0%. How do women reconcile doing their "part" while not allowing their love to be treated like charity (i.e. something given out of kindness with no expectation of reciprocity)? While I do think there's some value in taking the high ground, I can't help but notice the disappointment and resentment many women feel from unfulfilled (and unexpressed) expectations.
I agree 100% with this point and have seen it made in several comments about this article. My DH has always said, however, that a person can only give "100% of their 50%" in a relationship (he said this when discussing past relationships where women had taken advantage of his kindness). I've heard a lot of women complain about the consequences of being the "glue" that holds their relationships (marriages and committed LTRs with "good" men) together and giving 200% while DH/SO gives 0%. How do women reconcile doing their "part" while not allowing their love to be treated like charity (i.e. something given out of kindness with no expectation of reciprocity)? While I do think there's some value in taking the high ground, I can't help but notice the disappointment and resentment many women feel from unfulfilled (and unexpressed) expectations.
BTW, I'm not picking on you Naturaltobe, just asking a general question.
Excellent post, just thanking you twice.Uh, no. My part expects - no, demands reciprocity. That means sometimes I'm a *itch, and he puts up with me. That means sometimes he's an arsehole, and I put up with him. That's reciprocity. I don't have to walk around on eggshells when I have a bad day - I just give him a heads up. He does the same for me. Sometimes we have days where we can't give each other heads up, and we work through it - like mature adults who will be together for life. I expect him to love me. I expect him to demonstrate that he loves me - and to demonstrate it in ways that I have expressed to him I feel loved.
If you go 10 years in a relationship, and don't say boo about nothing, and come up on year ten and you are all in a snit because he ain't doing x and y and z, and yet at no point in those ten years did you open your mouth and tell him - clearly and precisely, with enough conversation to be sure that he understood you - what you wanted/needed - I'm sorry sis, but I've got no sympathy for you. Humans aren't telepathic just yet, and far too many women are willing to 'do' in silence, and just expect him magically one day to look up and realize what she wants him to do. Hmprh. Really? And when has that ever worked?
So, if I haven't expressed an expectation to you, I have no right to be upset when you don't fulfil it. And it doesn't matter WHAT the expectation is, or how 'common' it is.
On the other hand, if I have expressed an expectation to you - and I have gotten your clear agreement - and yet you do not choose to fulfil it - assuming I have requested something that is within your power - NOW, we have an issue.
It could be something on the surface that I can accept (DH don't load the dishwasher how I like, for example). It could be something that I should have noticed before we got married, and it's deep rooted in him (haven't found a negative one yet). He could just be a lazy, unappreciative bastard - and that, now that is grounds to get some outside help for.
Too many women mule through life, love, and work in silence. Only complaining about what they can't get or ain't receiving to other women, and never saying BOO to the one person who can actually get/give what they want. So many women set up their relationships to be that way by assuming they can coast on the societal expectations of what a relationship is 'supposed' to be like, and then wonder why their man isn't being what they want him to be.
Unexpressed expectations are unfulfilled expectations unless you are damn lucky. Fullstop.
Uh, no. My part expects - no, demands reciprocity. That means sometimes I'm a *itch, and he puts up with me. That means sometimes he's an arsehole, and I put up with him. That's reciprocity. I don't have to walk around on eggshells when I have a bad day - I just give him a heads up. He does the same for me. Sometimes we have days where we can't give each other heads up, and we work through it - like mature adults who will be together for life. I expect him to love me. I expect him to demonstrate that he loves me - and to demonstrate it in ways that I have expressed to him I feel loved....
...Too many women mule through life, love, and work in silence. Only complaining about what they can't get or ain't receiving to other women, and never saying BOO to the one person who can actually get/give what they want. So many women set up their relationships to be that way by assuming they can coast on the societal expectations of what a relationship is 'supposed' to be like, and then wonder why their man isn't being what they want him to be.
Unexpressed expectations are unfulfilled expectations unless you are damn lucky. Fullstop.
This is part of why I feel the way I do about the story. I can't assume there's no reciprocity, b/c we only got 1/2 of the story. I also agree that while we should strive for excellence/perfection- a marriage shouldn't break b/c one member of the team fell short for a spell. The offending partner will sooner or later have to pick up the slack for the other partner- it's the nature of balance and longevity.
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Perfection
Also- I totally agree about expectations- I think a lot of women, settle for convention, whether it's really in their hearts to or not. You don't have to be a bra burning feminist to reject certain messages of gender inequality, or decide to pursue your own happiness/satisfaction in certain areas of your rlp. You just have to be willing to negotiate your own terms. (And obviously have a man willing to negotiate with you).
So, I don't think that her story indicates that she's been a perfect angel through their whole marriage, and he's always the inconsiderate heel. Exactly! For all we know, she came to that state of maturity and 'zen' and connection to her marriage by being the partner who had a very messy affair in the early years of their marriage. She could have gone through - and taken their family through - depression, bipolorism, and the gods know what else.
It just reflects a certain balance - a certain give and take, and a certain understanding of when a little more give is needed - or required - by your partner, even when they themselves are unable to express their needs.
It that way, I totally understand her initial comparison of her husbands reaction to a tantrum. Most kids aren't having tantrums because they find them fun - they are having them because they are trying to express a need/desire that they don't yet have words to express - assuming they even understand what the need/desire is, themselves. That's why kids usually grow out of tantrums - they become more verbal, and more in touch with their own emotions and the reasons behind them.
Grown folks can get that internally twisty and unable to express it feeling too. We usually react by doing things other than falling on the floor and screaming, but it's based in the same internal emotional confusion. And a good partner should be able to recognize that confusion - and give them time to come to terms with what that emotional confusion is about - and to be able to healthily express it.
erplexed
. There should be a course on this stuff before two people walk down the aisle.
