Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC)

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

I understand all of that completely people talk to me all day long about things like that....the thing about that story is the flag wouldn't of been that important to me either nor are too many of the other concerns people have over the legalities of the marriage...I'm definitely not against legal marriage its just something thats not particulary important to me...

so its about what is important to people personally and I for one would never try to discourage another to follow my personal views or feelings on things nor make them feel what they feel is important isn't....if its important to you then it matters and thats the bottom line.....there hasn't been one person i know who got engaged or married or anything that i didn't congratulate or that i tried to talk out of it or try to make it less important for them, all I tell people is that when they ask me for my thoughts on what they do is that be real with yourself and the other person and be okay with whatever reason you are getting married for and I hope it all works out the best for you and you get out of it what you want

If you are in it for true love know that true love comes from the two individuals involved and don't assume a ring or the license will make love magically appear if you don't have it already or don't know that it comes from within, if you are insecure in love before marriage you will be just as insecure within the marriage...and vice versa....I love to witness people in love married legally or not, its a evident energy between the people

This is very true. I definitely am not for "marriage for the sake of saying you are married," but for me, if I met a man I really loved and he wouldn't marry me, we couldn't be together.

And I do believe that two people who choose not to be married could have more "real" love than a couple who is married. Married doesn't mean good relationship or love, and not married doesn't mean you don't love the person.

But if you are with someone who wants to be married and you know this, I feel that not marrying them does call into question. Like Carrie and Big. She wanted to marry him, and he knew this, but he would have never married her if he wanted to and she would have stayed.

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

No, especially if there are kids..or joint property for that matter.

Marriage is a business and if I'm going to be with someone for years then we're formally getting our business straight. Especially as a woman, b/c we are often the ones who get screwed over in a breakup

Girl, tell the truth!

When I hear someone say "it's just a piece of paper," I just want to say "a college degree or money are just pieces of paper, but what those pieces of paper allow you to do are amazing."

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

I have always wondered if that whole "marriage is just a piece of paper" is something that women say to make themselves feel better about their situation. I think most people know and understand that it is so much more. For instance if he proposed, would she be like "Nah, babe. That's ok. It's just a piece of paper. Take the ring back too...I hate diamonds. It is just a symbol forced on us by traditions." Nah playa.

Girl, I just said this in the post above, but it's important enough to say again.

When I hear someone say "it's just a piece of paper," I just want to say "a college degree or money are just pieces of paper, but what those pieces of paper allow you to do are amazing."

Again, if marriage isn't that important to someone, then that's fine.

But, I have seen so many women screwed over because they weren't the wife, and when he dies, they get NOTHING.

I have known men who have left wills and intentionally omitted their girlfriends, or they die intestate (without a will) and because she's not a wife, she gets NOTHING. His kids can come in and take it all or his wife (if he were married). And the lady who cleaned his poop when he was elderly gets NADA. Can't have it like that!

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Nope. Not a chance. I'd would never stick around for that.

My sister's in this situation now and we're all trying to talk to her about getting out of it but she doesn't want to. She's 30 and he's 38. They've been together for 10 years. I "guess" you can say they're engaged now for 5 yrs however he never really proposed. She told him she wanted to get married. He said " go get yourself a ring if you want" . So she did.....They have a 3 year old son.
We just found out from my other sister about a week ago that when they were living with us over the last xmas holiday, that fool actually told other sister's husband that he never intends on marrying her. This man has been benefitting from this family for yrs and has everything he has because of us. I mean car, job, apartment, everything. He's going to find out in a few days that all these benefits have come to an end.

Damn, well he's got what's coming to him

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

By the way, Coco, you spelled "Big's" name wrong! It's B-I-G-G!

MR. BIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

And in real life, Mr. BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG is married and has a baby...with a sister

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

No, I could not do that. I want to be married and I want children. If those two things are a no-go for him, then he's a no-go for me.

RE: Tiara's post

While it is romantic to re-commit each year and to not feel like your relationship is defined by what folks in society thinks, there are many reasons why folks get marriage licenses, besides just love and societal acceptance. Bunny posted a pretty good article about a couple who never got the piece of paper, but had children, a home, the whole nine yards for 20+ years. When the man died, the military wouldn't give his woman/girlfriend/mother of his kids the flag on his coffin, b/c she was not married to him. It was pretty sad...

Exactly......

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

I can definitely say that finding out that a man never intends to marry me is a deal breaker. It's esp. the worst when you find that out after the fact.

I don't think most men count down the day to marriage like many woman do, but most decent men will at least not object. For a man to flat out object to marrying a woman he has no qualms sexing and playing wife with is highly problematic IMO.

Yeah, I agree with your whole post, especially the bolded. However, I think that we as women have to realize that there comes a time when we must see a man for who he really is. This "reality check" comes for women, whether married or not. So in the case of a woman who wants a man to marry her, and she finds out he's not interested in marriage after the fact, after a few years, it would be wise for her to move on. She deserves what she wants out of life.

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

strangely, enough, my SO has asked me to marry him on several occasions. but i don't wish to marry him. i'm happy just being with him.

very soon, i will be going back to my old job of traveling all over the U.S. again. and look forward to being alone, and after my assignments seeing him. For some odd reason, there's something in the back of my mind that says i'm not ready to marry.

I married once, and i swear, i would never do it again. The divorce was worse than the relationship.

I think you are a different situation. In your case, you were married, so you know what that's like (although, and I don't say this to push you one way or the other...this is a different man, and maybe you learned some lessons the first time that you could apply the second time..but this is your choice).

This thread is mainly for the women who want to be married to a man, and he doesn't want to marry them. Could they stay? And some women would stay (like Carrie) because they love and value the man. Other women like you (and from what I can see Tiara76) don't necessarily feel that marriage is required to have a happy relationship. Women like this, I believe can have a happy relationship outside of marriage.

 

[freshlikemoi]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Heck NO! Clearly the reason why he couldn't marry me is something that I can't change or else I would have changed and he would marry me. Furthermore, it is also clear that his goal is to be single (not married) so since we in the business of achieving our goals I'mma have to bounce.

 

[cocoberry10]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

OT: I thought the SATC movie was stupid and they sent a whole lot of women up to gbe punked. The entire Big and Carrie relationship was foul on multiple levels and it's an insult to me as a woman that they tried to sell me that mess because they thought I and others would buy it package in Gucci, Marc Jacobs, and Betsy Johnson. If Big and Carrie were black LHCF would have been ablaze for months after that movie. It was redankulous and Carrie is pathetic and so was their relationship which RARELY ends like it did in the movie. They were also entirely too old for that delayed adolescence mess.

Exactly. Ironically in the book Carrie NEVER marries Big. That was the whole point. It was a way of showing women that Mr. Big is really code for Mr. Bigger than Life and Mr. Bigger than Marriage or Settling down.

I think that should have been the ending, but no, they wanted to give a nice, clean Hollywood ending. But I resolved that ending in my mind by saying this. We only get one chance at life, and although I could NEVER make the decision Carrie made, it's her life with which she can do "whatever she likes"

 

[Kerryann]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

I cant do that i feel that im worth so much more than a shack up relationship thats another reason why i left my kids dad he didnt want to get married and we lived together for 4 1/2 yrs. He claimed he would marry me if i get pregnant with baby #3 i told him hell no and make like a banana and split

 

[Almaz]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Would have told him to kick rocks a long time ago

 

[winterinatl]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

I have always wondered if that whole "marriage is just a piece of paper" is something that women say to make themselves feel better about their situation. I think most people know and understand that it is so much more. For instance if he proposed, would she be like "Nah, babe. That's ok. It's just a piece of paper. Take the ring back too...I hate diamonds. It is just a symbol forced on us by traditions." Nah playa.

Oh no, you know it started with him. Then, she was repeating. I remember asking her and she had drunk the KoolAid too.

At one point, two or three years ago, I asked her when they were going to get married. She said he had really, actually ASKED her too, for real, and had wanted to (this is debatable to me b.c there was no ring in hand). But by then, she had been with him so long, she did not want no "stupid" wedding. She said after being with him 9 years and all that, she wanted a planned WEDDING. No courthouse crap.

She also said, she was thinking hard about what benefit HE brought HER if they got married....the house was in her name (both of them), he has bad credit b.c of arrears in the past, and the way the home was purchased. She felt like, if they are going to stay together anyways, how does it help her at this point to be married? If anything, she thought it might financially hurt her.

She was overlooking the fact that getting "a piece of paper" is someone making an ACTUAL committment. I mean, she told me when they bought the house that she told him, "I have to knokw that this is forever". I recall telling her, "well, but you aren't married, so its NOT." and she was secure in knowing that this WAS forever.

After all the cheating, they are still together. I will say that after she carried on the way HE did, he is a humbled man. I feel like they both did the cheating thing, they are both still trying to tough it out; they need to go ahead and get married. I think in the end, their both cheating on each other will prove to strengthen their relationship.

 

[Nice Lady]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

The only way he wouldn't is if he was in a coma. Other than that, there's no excuse really.
I WANT that ring!

Lol.ITA. I think that people that have marriage as a goal and the person tells you no--then I have to leave and I personally think they are letting you know how they value you. If you want kids and you both have none, I would say--"Bye, Bye." I would also be concerned if they have jumpoffs---which is the case I know with very nice girls with these dudes.

I don't want to get to the age of 45 and then, he leaves and marries someone younger because he changed his mind.

 

[ChristmasCarol]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Hail to the NO. I thought my husband was a nutjob after he proposed after knowing each other for 2 weeks! We got married 18 months later and have been goin' strong for nearly 19 years...when a man find's "the one", he knows it and she doesn't have to beg him for a trip down the aisle.

 

[PretteePlease]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

In my mind i'm saying HLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no
in my heart i'm saying you never know til you are in
that situation. That being said I read the signs and
believe them and get ghost!

 

[Hairsofab]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Hail to the NO. I thought my husband was a nutjob after he proposed after knowing each other for 2 weeks! We got married 18 months later and have been goin' strong for nearly 19 years...when a man find's "the one", he knows it and she doesn't have to beg him for a trip down the aisle.

I think this is very true!

 

[JudithO]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

If my intention is not to get married, Yes.... Not every woman wants to get married... and there is nothing wrong with that...

 

[Petal26]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Nope. When I see those douchebags who claim they aren't ready for a relationship or marriage, they mean they're not ready for a relationship or marriage with you. Like Mr. Big when he married Natasha like 5 minutes after he met her in Paris.

I have a friend who had a boyfriend for 10 years who wouldn't marry her because he was a 'sex addict' (which he made up when she caught him in bed with some tramp) and she constantly prayed for him, so God would heal him and they could get married

One day we were hanging out in her house having drinks after work and her neighbor came in and told her how sorry she was, when we asked why she said 'Didn't you hear Tom got married to so and so yesterday?'. I have never seen anybody fall apart like that, I'll never forget it. When she confronted him he said she promised to help him buy a house, but he didn't really love her

 

[MrsJaiDiva]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

I could, as long as it was understood that I was moving in with him, paying minimal bills, and not having a single one of his children, Ever. We can have a great relationship with those ground rules set down...lots of fun, and sex, and travel.

 

[MizAvalon]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Nope. I was meant to be a WIFE not a girlfriend.

Go play games and waste time with some other woman.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

It depends. I have a friend who has been with her dude for about 9 or 10 years at this point. But they live separately, each owns their own place. No kids, and I don't think she really wants any. So in that case I can understand it. If I don't plan to merge any assets with the person or have children I wouldn't mind it.

 

[Ayesha81]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

No. Men always know when the they first meet you if they want to marry you or not. If you are with your man for over 2 years and he has not proposed, he has reservations about you.

 

[gabulldawg]

No way. Made that mistake once. Never again. There's a girl on the radio here who has been with we boyfriend for 7 years. No ring, nothing. And she's not young, either! IMO it's a classic case of the man using her. He hasn't had a decent job in years. She basically supports him. I will not be surprised if he up and leaves her once he gets on his feet. Whenever she talks about him I can't help but think about how much of an idiot she is.

 

[Lilmama1011]

No because I would think he was keeping his options open and waiting til he has had enough

 

[Ganjababy]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Nope. Any man I am with (in a serious rel) I expect to do almost anything for me short of murder.

 

[Ann0804]

Re: Spinoff: Could You Stay w/ a Man Who Wouldn't Marry You, but you LOVED Him? (SATC

Hellz no!!!

 

[nlamr2013]

That's counterproductive to my wants so no

 

[nlamr2013]

Oops I didn't realize this was old

 

[drappedup]

I hate the Carrie and Big relationship so much. I like SATC, but I always wanted to smack Carrie upside the head whenever Big was involved.....especially during the season 3 Aiden and Natasha debacle! Ugh.

Anyway, no I wouldn't. Not if I knew I wanted to get married. If I genuinely wanted to get married and maybe start a family there's no way I would date the same guy longer than 2-3 years max, especially if I were in my 30s. I wouldn't have time to play games dating the same man for years and years with no game changer in sight. Plus I personally think there's some truth to the whole notion that a man usually "knows" early on whether he will marry you or not.