Just because someone is good to you and helps you doesn't mean you have to let them disrespect you. I agree about picking ones battle and in my opinion this isn't a small thing. It directly relates to help they've been giving her almost as if the aunt finds it funny or something. For someone with a diagnosis being called crazy is hurtful. So someone should just accept being hurt without saying anything because the person helps them out? It's important to have open communication and dialogue on both sides. What about OP's feelings? She can come to resent them both as well and seeing as how she relies on her husband somewhat for support, it is not a good idea to just let this go. She deserves to be able to trust her support system and not feel like a burden or like they are making fun of her behind her back and knowthat she can come to them with any issues she has. Being called crazy can result in a person withdrawing and not feeling safe within their supposedly comfortable and safe surroundings. That's not good for one's mental health. Idk, I just don't like how people do and say whatever they want with no regard for another person's feelings.
So I Just Quickly Scanned Dh What's Up
- Thread starter Ganjababy
- Start date
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Nikkiluv254
Well-Known Member
But I think if I do it in front of him without him protesting it is ok
[/QUOTE]Nah. It doesn't change anything.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
He changed his password
Boo!
LeftRightRepeat
Well-Known Member
yeah...once your replied to the lady on his phone it was almost inevitable.
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
He changed his password
No offense, but I don't blame him. I couldn't stand for my privacy to be violated esp if it would be a problem in the reverse.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I don’t blame him or her. The problem is that her husband is hiding something, exactly what I’m not sure. So of course she is going to feel insecure. And of course he’s going to try to protect his privacy and his secrets. Within a marriage privacy is one thing and secrecy is another. I hope the OP can find the peace and mental and emotional health that she so deserves. Situations like these become very entangled. Hopefully her doctors will continue to help her heal and untangle herself from the dysfunction.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Not good at all. He is protecting their conversations rather than be transparent and accountable with his wife. This is what men who cheat do (not saying he is cheating- this is just similar wayward behavior).He changed his password
Marriage counseling?
www.survivinginfidelity.com
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
Hmm...I'll acquiesce to you, you all have a better sense of these things than I do. I just wonder if the change wasn't due to frustration over 1) snooping and 2) sending messages from his phone. I'm just thinking of myself, if a spouse did that to me, I'd immediately change my password, even if there wasn't anything on my phone but dust and lint. This is just interesting to ponder.
LeftRightRepeat
Well-Known Member
This would be my knee jerk reaction too. When you start typing stuff on my phone in response to one of my messages I would feel like my privacy was violated. No I don’t think he is cheating with “auntie”
Miss617
Always left of center
Sorry @Ganjababy. The whole situation is messed up, honestly. It's not like you went snooping through the phone because you thought something was up, you already had it and just happened to see that. That gives me pause because he didn't feel like what came before needed to be hidden, but now he does. I'm really sorry that this spiraled like this, because I know me, and I would be side eyeing my DH if he pulled some mess like that.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
Agree. She didn't go snooping.
But then again I believe in transparency in a relationship.
Privacy is for stuff like pooping in the toilet. Once you are married, your wife should be able to see your conversations and if there is anything that makes her feel uncomfortable, it should be stopped. And vice versa.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I’m saying I agree with you and that he is hiding something. Something is off. My antenna went up when he said that pretend aunt didn’t mean anything by calling her crazy. I believe he said that to protect the aunt and himself, versus his wife. I don’t necessarily think he’s cheating on her with this woman. I don’t feel he is or isn’t. I just don’t know. But 1) they shouldn’t be casually texting each other like that anyway; 2) she shouldn’t be calling someone she supposedly cares so much about who has been suffering from mental illness “crazy”; and 3) should never have felt that cozy and comfy to text something so insensitive to her husband. Poor boundaries all around, insensitiveness, lack of kindness, etc.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
I agree- they probably not cheating but always keep your eyes open. Didn't Schwarzenegger cheat with the old maid and made a baby with her? Men do some f'ed up stuff with the least expected (cousins, sisters, aunts, etc).
Protect your marriage (you and him).
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
@hopeful I'd like to hear more of your thoughts on boundaries and marriage. Do you think it's ok for husbands to casually text other women (non blood relatives). Let's say the message wasn't anything mean or messy but she noticed that they talked on a consistent basis, Would that be a red flag to you?
What's a healthy boundary?
As someone else mentioned, people cheat with people that they have constant access to.
What's a healthy boundary?
As someone else mentioned, people cheat with people that they have constant access to.
Miss617
Always left of center
@Ganjababy Just gonna give you a big hug. 
I'm sorry to say that I'm not entirely surprised by your post. And I'm also sorry that you don't feel covered and secure, because you deserve to. But I think that's an underlying tone in your posts about your DH. That's an awful feeling to have to deal with on top of everything else. I know it's not the same but just know that we are here for you and we care about you.
I'm sorry to say that I'm not entirely surprised by your post. And I'm also sorry that you don't feel covered and secure, because you deserve to. But I think that's an underlying tone in your posts about your DH. That's an awful feeling to have to deal with on top of everything else. I know it's not the same but just know that we are here for you and we care about you.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
As I get older I realize that you generally have a gut instinct and a feeling that something isn’t right. That is your first sign that a boundary is being crossed. All of us basically have three brains: the one in our head, our heart, and our gut. Our gut generally picks up on bs first. Then other people and our own minds go about convincing us that we are crazy, too sensitive, have no concrete proof.
Our society loves to discount a woman’s gut instinct, her feminine intuition, because it is so powerful and oftentimes right, spot on. By the time we see something with our own two eyes and our brain finally catches up with rationality and reason, mess has been going on for years. This “mess” can be a husband cheating, a coworker stealing, a friend using you, lying, or gossiping about you behind your back. To only use our head brain and our hearts puts us (women in particular) at a disadvantage.
More about gut and a husband, I believe that a husband’s primary job is to be protective. When you are with him and when you are not, you should feel safe. If you don’t feel safe (and have not been diagnosed with paranoia or something) something is probably wrong. Again, that unsafe feeling is your gut and probably a bit of your heart not feeling right.
We would never want a close girlfriend that we didn’t feel secure with. But with men it’s more complicated because of sex, patriarchy/sexism etc. that makes women feel unfulfilled without a man etc. So we will excuse or overlook things because of the other things he brings to the table such as sex, money, status of being a wife etc. And men are fully aware of this. They also have no problem gaslighting women so that they can continue doing whatever it is they want to do.
All that said, I personally believe that if a man doesn’t make you feel safe in the world, he is failing at his primary role as a husband. What good is status and sex if your heart is being broken? For some women it’s worth the trade off. For others, not so much. But we do have a choice as adult women. The problem is that the choice is often taken away from the woman because she is often being kept in the dark. Your gut tells you despite the darkness, that something is wrong or off and you don’t feel safe.
All of what I’ve discussed thus far is fairly abstract.
Now concretely should a husband be constantly contacting a woman regularly who isn’t his sister, mother, aunt, etc.? For the most part, probably not. But I’m sure there may be exceptions. I have several male cousins with whom I text here and there. Maybe once a month or so? One is married. His wife could read through every single text exchange and would not pick up on any weirdness because there is none. He would likely think it was strange if she questioned him about talking to me. We are blood relatives and our mothers grew up together like sisters. I love him and he loves me. But again he is my cousin. I am also close to his wife, she and I are childhood friends.
In this situation the woman was associated with Ganjababy first and is not a real relative either. She is not really related to Ganja or her husband, but she is actually a friend of Ganja’s. So outside of emergencies they shouldn’t be texting regularly. Even if she was Ganja’s blood Aunt I would think it was weird. Even weirder that she is ok with disparaging her. Even even weirder that hubby is okay with ongoing texting and even even even weirder that he is not bothered by her joking about HIS wife.
I also think that protective husbands are careful about the relationships they have with other women and try to be as open and transparent as possible. I remember a lady years ago on here saying that if her husband ever gave another woman a drive home he would discuss with her first, because he cared about how things appeared. His wife’s feelings came first.
I know this is a lot and not sure if I answered your question. But let’s keep discussing. I think healthy boundaries are the cornerstone to a happy life and marriage. And it takes two. If one person has boundaries and the other doesn’t then the relationship lacks boundaries. And you cannot make someone else have better boundaries. In trying to do so you are essentially violating their boundaries by treating an adult like a child.
It is never asking too much to expect a husband to be protective. But women are made to feel needy for simply wanting to feel safe within their relationships. It is not needy. It is a natural desire to feel safe.
@Ganjababy forgive us if we are derailing your thread. We can start a separate thread if you’d like.
@Ganjababy your feelings are valid. If I were in your shoes I would feel the same way. It's not about whether or not your husband is a nice guy. The nicest people in the world can still miss the mark. Because he appears easy going on the outside people assume that he is also sensitive to your needs, but he's not. Please know that you are thought of and cared for here on this board.
FemmeFatale
Well-Known Member
She sure did!
hopeful
Well-Known Member
(((@Ganjababy)))
The situation you described makes no sense. Wanting to stay at a hotel was a reasonable request. I hope your therapists can help you untangle from this foolishness. Enmeshment ensures that you don’t feel separate and happy. You deserve to be an autonomous human being. And you deserve to feel safe and loved. Once you are healed you will not allow anyone to make you stay anywhere you don’t want to be.
For now I think you should focus on your relationship with yourself and your therapists. Your dh and this woman are not being helpful. Zero in on yourself and your healing.
And of course everyone thinks your dh is great. I’m sure he makes a great effort to look good in everyone else’s eyes.
And her being married, Christian, four kids, etc. means nothing. People use all kinds of covers to appear like angels. How she makes you feel is what matters most. And you no longer feel safe with her.
The situation you described makes no sense. Wanting to stay at a hotel was a reasonable request. I hope your therapists can help you untangle from this foolishness. Enmeshment ensures that you don’t feel separate and happy. You deserve to be an autonomous human being. And you deserve to feel safe and loved. Once you are healed you will not allow anyone to make you stay anywhere you don’t want to be.
For now I think you should focus on your relationship with yourself and your therapists. Your dh and this woman are not being helpful. Zero in on yourself and your healing.
And of course everyone thinks your dh is great. I’m sure he makes a great effort to look good in everyone else’s eyes.
And her being married, Christian, four kids, etc. means nothing. People use all kinds of covers to appear like angels. How she makes you feel is what matters most. And you no longer feel safe with her.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
movingforward13
I do what I want...
@Ganjababy - big hugs. I want you to be treated right by everyone.
You are loved, you are wanted, you are cared about.
You are loved, you are wanted, you are cared about.
SweetNic_JA
Well-Known Member
I don't follow all of your posts, but from what I have seen, my gut instinct is that your husband is indifferent to you. I think about the time you were coming out of the night club/event and you sat in your car by yourself. Some relative (i.e. a cousin) rushed you and kissed you in your mouth. Your husband didn't seem moved by it. He just seems like a man that's just there, but not really involved. Growing up, I've seen plenty of those Jamaican men before.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
Whoooa. This!
This thread has made me see things much clearer and has helped me to verbalize some things I was feeling but was not able to put into words.
His indifference has played into my BPD and has resulted in me acting more crazy and irrational to get a reaction/attention from him. I think we are co-dependent. We had a talk yesterday and we both decided to unlock our phones and be more transparent.
He started locking his phone after I started locking mine. He has major trust issues also -his indifference has made me a bit too receptive to the flirtation of others and it has caused huge arguments and distrust.
We have decided to go back to marriage counseling. One last ditch effort. He has also agreed to go to individual counseling for himself. He agreed before but I was scared that he would come to his senses and leave me. But I have to just face reality and try to fix all areas of my life and if that means the end of our marriage then so be it. We both deserve less chaos. Last night we discussed what will happen and how we will divide our assets if we cannot make it work...
This thread has made me see things much clearer and has helped me to verbalize some things I was feeling but was not able to put into words.
His indifference has played into my BPD and has resulted in me acting more crazy and irrational to get a reaction/attention from him. I think we are co-dependent. We had a talk yesterday and we both decided to unlock our phones and be more transparent.
He started locking his phone after I started locking mine. He has major trust issues also -his indifference has made me a bit too receptive to the flirtation of others and it has caused huge arguments and distrust.
We have decided to go back to marriage counseling. One last ditch effort. He has also agreed to go to individual counseling for himself. He agreed before but I was scared that he would come to his senses and leave me. But I have to just face reality and try to fix all areas of my life and if that means the end of our marriage then so be it. We both deserve less chaos. Last night we discussed what will happen and how we will divide our assets if we cannot make it work...
movingforward13
I do what I want...
I really hope it doesn’t come down to that. Him agreeing to go to counseling is a good sign- don’t think negative. Most men don’t want to do counseling.
