Do I say something to him?

[Godyssey]

I'd cut my losses. If you confront him, he'll most likely lie and tell you what he thinks you want to hear anyway.

 

[BellaLunie]

Oh boy.... you looked and got the answer you didn't want! So now it's time to ROLL OUT. She has the new number so this isn't the first communication and not the last. He's banging both of yall. Sorry.

Idk about that. He's always with me so I don't know where he would find the time.

mmmmk and you couldn't tell him his phone was beeping. I touch no one's cellphone. When I was married I didn't even tough my husband's phone, I would tell him, "Yo, your phone is beeping, stop it".

it was 2am and I didn't want to wake him

Please tell me you didn't fall for that line? That is an excuse to keep you in the hip pocket until he figures out what HE wants to do. WAKE UP.

Well we've both been hurt and it wasn't a good idea to jump into something so soon.


I realise I'm making a lot of excuses but I've been thinking about this all day. It's irking me that I haven't talked to him about it. My phone has water damage and I'm waiting on the replacement which should be here tomorrow. I don't know how I'm going to bring it up

 

[brownelovely]

I know I need to do this. It's just weird how we always end up in contact with each other. The same thing with ex it seems like it doesn't matter what she does to him they'll always be together. The chick is batshyt crazy and I don't need the mess and drama

There's your answer then. Keep it moving girl.

The only thing you can do at this point is ask him what's going on and hope he doesn't lie about. If his number was changed, then he possibly gave it to her and texting her behind your back. If ya'll aren't officially together then he can do what he wants but make sure you're not just an option for him.

Don't sit up trying to play girlfriend and you're not really that....no, find you someone else to hang out with, date, or whatever. He's enjoying this no doubt.

 

[Spiffy]

Awww, that sucks. It seems like you are only tolerating him because it's familiar to you both. From your backstory, when no one else is in the picture, you two turn to each other. Sometimes people stay in situations that may not be beneficial simply because they're familiar.

I think a dynamic has already been set for you two and it may be hard to step outside of that so I'd put my energy toward setting a new and healthy dynamic with someone new.

 

[HoneyA]

mmmmk and you couldn't tell him his phone was beeping. I touch no one's cellphone. When I was married I didn't even tough my husband's phone, I would tell him, "Yo, your phone is beeping, stop it".

My mom has been with my dad 30+ years and does not touch his phone. She'll tell him it's ringing or beeping or whatever. Then HE will ask her to answer it. Always been that way. And she does not stress about anything. I've never seen the two of them fight and he's always asking where she is lol.

 

[FlowerHair]

^ but we've had the talk of making it official but we're supposed to take it day by day.

There's no need to take it day by day when you've known eachother for so long. He should be able to make a clean decision and not keep you hanging like that.

I don't think he's worth investing more time in. I'm sorry.

 

[kmn1980]

You really want to be clear on "I still talk to my ex/we're still friends" situations. For me, that's a deal breaker but maybe you can handle it.

I will say that people don't usually lie when there is nothing to hide. If this is a new number and she's saying that he has contacted her, then this is a simple rote.

 

[DaDragonPrincess]

Follow your instincts, something aint right...

 

[BellaLunie]

I just sent him a text telling him I got my replacement phone and that we needed to talk. I'll keep you ladies posted.

 

[spelmanlocks]

There is nothing wrong with checking a dudes phones, now you know what you are dealing with.

 

[DaDragonPrincess]

I just sent him a text telling him I got my replacement phone and that we needed to talk. I'll keep you ladies posted.

Thanks keep us updated, because sounds to me like he trying to be a player. The EX should be the past, they don't have kids together, so question is "why you texting my man 2 in the morning? and "Why is your ex texting you 2 in the morning?" Keep a eye on him.

 

[Country gal]

The text on its own raises more than one eyebrow, but this backstory alone--even without the text--is just not good. In addition to a history of his cheating--on you, no less!--there is an unhealthy pattern of you two allowing yourselves to drift back to each other at times of emotional instability or lulls in your romantic trajectories with others.

Have you ever had a time where you were without a man's companionship? It might be good for you to take 6 months or something for yourself without any romantic or sexual diversion. I know that everyone works differently, but who knows? Maybe it'll work some good in your life.

BTW, I wouldn't necessarily believe anything and everything he tells you about what she may or may not have done "to him" in the past. People naturally spin situations in the light most favorable to themselves.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way but I think the text--even if he's telling you the truth about it--is a much-needed signal to galvanize you to action.

Good luck.

Good advice.

 

[ThickHair]

Thanks keep us updated, because sounds to me like he trying to be a player. The EX should be the past, they don't have kids together, so question is "why you texting my man 2 in the morning? and "Why is your ex texting you 2 in the morning?" Keep a eye on him.

He is not her man though, so it is none of her business why anyone is texting him 2 in the morning.

 

[DaDragonPrincess]

He is not her man though, so it is none of her business why anyone is texting him 2 in the morning.

Oh wow I missed that part...

 

[panamoni]

If he's technically single, then he can talk to whomever he wishes. You should be sure to become an official item before having a say in whether he can talk to ex-girlfriends. He has a right to do that if he's single, even if you're not talking to anyone (which is your choice).

 

[aribell]

Does it really matter if they are an item or not if what she wants to know at the end of the day is how he feels about her? It seems like the issue of putting a lock on who he can talk to is different than the issue of wanting something serious with someone and discovering that they aren't serious about you. imo, exclusivity or not, op got some useful information that he may not have been willing to offer himself.

I don't think that not being exclusive gives someone the right to not disclose their intentions.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I know I need to do this. It's just weird how we always end up in contact with each other. The same thing with ex it seems like it doesn't matter what she does to him they'll always be together. The chick is batshyt crazy and I don't need the mess and drama

No, it's not weird, you ALLOW yourselves to stay in contact. If you truly don't want to be bothered, you can take the necessary steps to make that happen. I promise, if you don't want to be bothered, you don't have to be.

The question is, why do you LET this keep happening?

 

[jwhitley6]

He is not her man though, so it is none of her business why anyone is texting him 2 in the morning.

IMO, If we are "dating" or whatever you call it, and you are in my bed at 2 am I have the right to ask some questions.

 

[epiphany braids]

Wow he is a HAM! Is he still seeing this girl? I just don't get why men do that.

IDK if he is still seeing the girl all i know is when he is with me its about ME!! I decided if I am going to continue to ALLOW him to be in my lyfe then i will NOT be over it.

and when he is not around I do me...now i have to be honest with myself idk where this will lead to but then again thats all aspects of lyfe, we were not given the authority to see the future perhaps we were given something better Intuition so use it to your advantage... don't let ur heart be your compass guide for your mind!!

 

[*CherryPie*]

I'm suspicious of any man who's phone is so personal that I can't answer it. I should be able to answer it, make calls on it, or whatever. When you're in a REAL relationship with someone, something like a phone should not be off limits or private. I would not trust a man like that.

mmmmk and you couldn't tell him his phone was beeping. I touch no one's cellphone. When I was married I didn't even tough my husband's phone, I would tell him, "Yo, your phone is beeping, stop it".

 

[LisaLisa1908]

IMO, If we are "dating" or whatever you call it, and you are in my bed at 2 am I have the right to ask some questions.

You really don't, tho. If y'all just banging, that's all y'all doing.

That's why you shouldn't be in bed with somebody you're just "dating" if you feel like you need to ask those kinds of "questions." *shrugs*

 

[QueenTiffany]

You really don't, tho. If y'all just banging, that's all y'all doing.

That's why you shouldn't be in bed with somebody you're just "dating" if you feel like you need to ask those kinds of "questions." *shrugs*

PREACH!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[CurlyMoo]

well we were only 16 and it was puppy love so I gave him the benefit of the doubt I thought he's matured. I tried not to let my heart get involved, apparently I have a "guard" up that needs to be down . Funny thing is I'm not even that devastated. I mean I'm hurt but I kind of expected it. If this was a few months ago I would have gone crazy but I'm kind of mellow about it. To be honest this is messing my whole day up

You are not mellow, you are just holding it in and trying not to be upset. Which is why your day is messed up. Clearly this man means more to you than you just hooking up when you are without a man. I say ask him what is going on and let the chips fall where they may, even if he gets upset that you went through his phone.

You say they don't have children together, but they did create a child together. There is a bond there regardless if he is still contacting her. I say trust your instincts because only you know this man, we don't. If you think he's seeing his ex or at least keeping in contact with her and it bothers you then let him know. If you want a stable loving relationship in the future now is the time to practice honesty, forthrightness and getting to know the men you are interesting in and what you will tolerate and what you won't.

Don't be afraid of men, nor asking the tough questions and expressing yourself. If men want to storm off and end the relationship just because you ask questions then tell them to shut the door on their way out and leave the keys behind. Good luck to you. That child in your siggy is adorable and deserves a good man loving her mother the right way.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I agree with this advice because even if you aren't officially a couple, him contacting his ex shows where his heart and mind are...especially if he knows that you're not entertaining other men.

I don't agree with this. If they have an open relationship which is based on hooking up then her not dating other men is her choice. Why is the heart and mind involved when it should just be an exchange of fluids, gratification and organ touching?

My feeling on this is that if they both decided to not see other people yet not actually committed spinning then yes I would be upset because that means he is exposing me to disease if he is having sexual relations with this other woman.

On the other hand; I think her issue is more simple and common like her actually wanting more from him and this relationship. Like a committed relationship which is why she is so upset. OP needs to figure out what she wants from him. Then sit down and have a talk with him before she asks him why he is in contact with his ex.

 

[CurlyMoo]

^ but we've had the talk of making it official but we're supposed to take it day by day.

Ok I missed this post. I don't understand what this means. Are you or are you not in an exclusive relationship? Taking it day by day until you decide you want to be exclusive is pre-intimacy dating!

 

[CurlyMoo]

Wow he is a HAM! Is he still seeing this girl? I just don't get why men do that.

Men do what they can get away with. Even when he was busted both women STAYED with him. Even the good ones will try you. But believe it or not men look toward women for guidance, resistance and someone who will put the fear of GOD in them.

 

[CurlyMoo]

^ but we've had the talk of making it official but we're supposed to take it day by day.

Please tell me you didn't fall for that line? That is an excuse to keep you in the hip pocket until he figures out what HE wants to do. WAKE UP.

YES, and my response would have been. "Ok we can take it day by day and until then we will not be sexing each other but we can hold hands and cuddle every now and then. And if I'm feeling really frisky I may let you hold my left breast." Or just end it altogether and find a more suitable mate.

Many inexperienced women fall for this who are 3x her age, she's still a teen isn't she? If you don't know how to play the game then you will make moves willy nilly and go with it. Sorry to say this but ladies, men are not your friend. They are not. They are human being looking out for their own interests. So trusting what they say blindly is a big mistake. There are some good men out there but even they need limits and women who will put their foot down and say not yet until I get this.

 

[CurlyMoo]

Awww, that sucks. It seems like you are only tolerating him because it's familiar to you both. From your backstory, when no one else is in the picture, you two turn to each other. Sometimes people stay in situations that may not be beneficial simply because they're familiar.

I think a dynamic has already been set for you two and it may be hard to step outside of that so I'd put my energy toward setting a new and healthy dynamic with someone new.

I say take an art class and forget dating for now.

And read one of these books between brush strokes:

 

[jwhitley6]

You really don't, tho. If y'all just banging, that's all y'all doing.

That's why you shouldn't be in bed with somebody you're just "dating" if you feel like you need to ask those kinds of "questions." *shrugs*

No offense to you...but I see it like this: I'm a grown-arse woman...I can ask whatever I please, especially with someone I'm intimate with. If he has a problem with my questions then I will govern myself accordingly. However, I will not abstain from asking just because of some imaginary/unwritten rule that it's inappropriate. There nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand/what his intentions are. That's why there is so much drama, baby mamas, and STDs going around....folks thinking they don't have the "right" to ask. Yes you do! God gave you a mouth, use it!

 

[aribell]

I don't agree with this. If they have an open relationship which is based on hooking up then her not dating other men is her choice. Why is the heart and mind involved when it should just be an exchange of fluids, gratification and organ touching?

My feeling on this is that if they both decided to not see other people yet not actually committed spinning then yes I would be upset because that means he is exposing me to disease if he is having sexual relations with this other woman.

On the other hand; I think her issue is more simple and common like her actually wanting more from him and this relationship. Like a committed relationship which is why she is so upset. OP needs to figure out what she wants from him. Then sit down and have a talk with him before she asks him why he is in contact with his ex.

I don't think the issue is one of right or wrong, as in he was being unfaithful in contacting his ex. However, op mentioned that he knew that she was not talking to anyone else and he chose not to do the same. He didn't have to stop talking to other women, but if you know one person is on one page, you should communicate to them that you're not there with them instead of just letting them think what they want. She didn't say their relationship was based on hooking up, she said they were dating, which is different than an FwB situation. She'll be able to say what was really going on, but in this particular instance it's the past history of cheating and the convenient undefined-ness of their relationship that makes him contacting his ex a little concerning.

OP didn't present much of a reason for sticking around with this guy absent his serious intentions toward her. They've already been there. Sometimes, well, a lot of times I think talking and asking questions is pointless when you already have the information that you need. I think the question is what the op wants to do with that information.