What would you do if your SO/DH stole money from you?

[ambergirl]

I have to say, the whole situation is a bit hard to understand.

So he had an affair and got a woman pregnant....but that didn't get her to leave. He has mental health issues and hasn't worked, but that also wasn't a dealbreaker because he's caring for their 4 children. But he "steals" $100 and that's the thing that ends the trust and makes her want to end the marriage? And the $100 was so he could go away? And just what kind of get away is he going on with $100?

All the way around this situation doesn't make a lot of sense. Obviously her husband didn't feel he could be honest about withdrawing $100 from her account but why? Is it because he's up to no good with the money? Is it because your cousin is tightfisted with the money. I mean it's 100 dollars!!! That's just not alot of money to get agitated about. And does he have a "leisure" account too or is that reserved for her because she's the breadwinner?

And why exactly is he supposed to be groveling and shamed? Is it because he was dishonset about withdrawing the money or is it because your cousin wonders what he really wanted that money for?

I'm sure your cuz and her hubby are great people but to me it's hard to understand what's really the issue in their marriage because it's not the $100.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Ambergirl,

They have had many issues that I have not listed here.

My cousin has wanted "out" of her marriage for a few months now, As it was draining her energy. But she is a christian and believes in forgiveness.

She feels continuing the marriage is not healthy for him, her or their children but fears what will happen to him if she leaves him. She does not want him to have a relapse *(another breakdown) I think that is why she has gone into the "carer" role and is scared to leave him, she obviously loves him and does not want to see him suffering from the mental illness again.

NO, He did not have an affair..They were going through a rough patch (I cannot remember what led to it) But her husband was angry one day and saw a white woman on his travels, they had a drink, had sex..the woman found out she was pregnant a few weeks later, contacted my cousin's husband- he told my cousin what had happened, i know they split up for several months..the woman lost the baby..he begged my cousin for forgiveness and told her he would never step out on her again, that was the very first time he done it and it scared him for life.he would never do that again..

so they got back together and seemed really happy, after the first baby was born they renewed their vows and went on a honey moon. thats when he gave up work etc etc..

I personally think it wasn't a good idea to have all of the babies so close together, but that was their choice..But it also seems like it was kind of like the beginning to their problems.

I'm not sure where I said he has never worked? since I have known him I think I was about 10- He was always very hard working.

Obviously, it isn't about the $100, it is that the trust has been broken yet again!!
He wanted to "get away" as in get a little break away from the house, not go on holiday..No, I wouldn't call her tight fisted. she is generous.

I think he does have a leisure account..

I'm not sure what she thought he was using the money for. I do not even think she is worried about the monies, It was more of the fact that he lied about taking it, Lied a couple of times and is not showing remorse for his actions.

The issue with their marriage is there is lack of structure, she does not have a back-bone, there is no trust, and it is not functioning how a loving marriage is supposed to be function.

I spoke to him today and advised him he would need some counselling.
he told me he agrees, he feels like a slave in his own home, although he loves his children greater than life itself he regrets the decision of giving up his job.
he feels my cousin is too focused on her career, the children miss her and cry for her everyday. he loves the week-end as they get to do exciting things together..

i asked him why he took the money. he claims he done it so she could notice him, confront him, shout at him..he feels invisible to her.

he told me they have not been intimate for months and he does not want to cheat again, he just wants his wife back.

i told him the only thing that is going to help them both is prayer,counselling, some way to rebuild the trust, her cutting down those long work hours and love..

he says he will give her time to cool down and then communicate with her.

at this time all i can do is have my fingers crossed and continue praying for them both.

 

[Zaynab]

I was so confused at first, because I can't wrap my mind around the concept of my husband 'stealing' our money. But clearly, they are in a my money/his money kind of relationship, and he doesn't feel comfortable in asking her for money. *shrug*

Then, the man has mental issues/suffers from depression, and he is in a house full of children all day? That's not healthy, for him or for the kids. And he doesn't feel like he is valued/appreciated (as most men judge that by the nana) as well?

That's a real clusterfark of a marriage, right there - they both need counseling, together and individually, and he might need to get on some meds.

ETA: As for what I would do? Well, DH can't steal from me - what's mine is his - so it wouldn't even be an issue.

I'm going to say it for the 19344th time, if you have this type of setup in a marriage, it's most likely going to fail.

Separating your money is not a married thing, it's a trust thing. I'm sorry but I wouldn't even get twisted about dh taking 100 bucks out of my personal account, i'ts not like he took 1K AND it wouldn't even be an issue b/c it's our money. I guess I don't get why if he had an ATM card, that she said it's "HER" account.

Women need to get real about money and men, seriously. If a wife went to get 100 out of her hubbys account and he responded the way she did, folks would be calling for him to be be-headed, that he was cheap, not a provider, etc. I sense that because she is the breadwinner, she feels it's "her" money?

Basically, it's not about the money. She doesn't trust him. She shouldn't be with him. He's cheated in the past so she obviously doesn't trust him with money or anything.

 

[Kerryann]

DUDE the only reply i can give is a
WHAT IN THE HYELL
no no no no
Your cousin put herself into that mess of a situation
I refuse to take care of a man and 4 children no tell her to use the money she was taking care of him with for daycare
2 of those kids are school age and im sure she can find someone from the islands that needs a job to take care of her kids until she gets home from work and i mean what happened to her family

I swear i would be a b!tch and make that nicca go to jail

 

[Zaynab]

Everyone's marriage is different. My husband and I share accounts so we wouldn't have a situation like this, As I also believe whats mine is his and vice versa..

They have several bank accounts *(savings, childrens etc)*
The money went from her bank account which she uses for things for her leisure not their shared account.

It's a mad situation. But it is what it is!

I suggested counselling, but she does not think she needs it and the husband is too proud to go to counselling.

Both of the children's grandparents help out DH, Yes. he is a house husband but he does not have all of the burden on himself, When he needs help he asks for it.

At times when he brings the eldest child to the dentist, I will have him bring the others to my house-The children are a joy to be with.

I will make this clear-
He is not suffering from mental illnesses right now, but a few years ago he did have a bout of depression, which turned into a mental episode. it has not been repeated again, so the Dr's have written it off as an "acute episode"

It's not like he is a walking lunatic, I wouldn't have my little cousins in a situation like that!

We have house accounts and shared and then our own personal spending accts. I still don't get though why she's calling it "stealing" *shrugs*If dh went to my personal account or I went to his, I don't know that I would notice or even care, in fact I think he has and I have.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

DUDE the only reply i can give is a
WHAT IN THE HYELL
no no no no
Your cousin put herself into that mess of a situation
I refuse to take care of a man and 4 children no tell her to use the money she was taking care of him with for daycare
2 of those kids are school age and im sure she can find someone from the islands that needs a job to take care of her kids until she gets home from work and i mean what happened to her family

I swear i would be a b!tch and make that nicca go to jail

nah, i would rather she not find someone from the "islands" to look after my little cousins. what happened to her family?

i am her family, I and other members of her family do help out with the children as i said in a previous post!

 

[ambergirl]

Ambergirl,

They have had many issues that I have not listed here.

My cousin has wanted "out" of her marriage for a few months now, As it was draining her energy. But she is a christian and believes in forgiveness.

She feels continuing the marriage is not healthy for him, her or their children but fears what will happen to him if she leaves him. She does not want him to have a relapse *(another breakdown) I think that is why she has gone into the "carer" role and is scared to leave him, she obviously loves him and does not want to see him suffering from the mental illness again.

NO, He did not have an affair..They were going through a rough patch (I cannot remember what led to it) But her husband was angry one day and saw a white woman on his travels, they had a drink, had sex..the woman found out she was pregnant a few weeks later, contacted my cousin's husband- he told my cousin what had happened, i know they split up for several months..the woman lost the baby..he begged my cousin for forgiveness and told her he would never step out on her again, that was the very first time he done it and it scared him for life.he would never do that again..

so they got back together and seemed really happy, after the first baby was born they renewed their vows and went on a honey moon. thats when he gave up work etc etc..

I personally think it wasn't a good idea to have all of the babies so close together, but that was their choice..But it also seems like it was kind of like the beginning to their problems.

I'm not sure where I said he has never worked? since I have known him I think I was about 10- He was always very hard working.

Obviously, it isn't about the $100, it is that the trust has been broken yet again!!
He wanted to "get away" as in get a little break away from the house, not go on holiday..No, I wouldn't call her tight fisted. she is generous.I think he does have a leisure account..

I'm not sure what she thought he was using the money for. I do not even think she is worried about the monies, It was more of the fact that he lied about taking it, Lied a couple of times and is not showing remorse for his actions.

The issue with their marriage is there is lack of structure, she does not have a back-bone, there is no trust, and it is not functioning how a loving marriage is supposed to be function.

I spoke to him today and advised him he would need some counselling.
he told me he agrees, he feels like a slave in his own home, although he loves his children greater than life itself he regrets the decision of giving up his job.
he feels my cousin is too focused on her career, the children miss her and cry for her everyday. he loves the week-end as they get to do exciting things together..

i asked him why he took the money. he claims he done it so she could notice him, confront him, shout at him..he feels invisible to her.

he told me they have not been intimate for months and he does not want to cheat again, he just wants his wife back.
i told him the only thing that is going to help them both is prayer,counselling, some way to rebuild the trust, her cutting down those long work hours and love..

he says he will give her time to cool down and then communicate with her.

at this time all i can do is have my fingers crossed and continue praying for them both.

Thanks BlacqueAngel for the info.

Sorry if I didn't get the details of his sex outside the marriage or his hard working history correct, but honestly I don't think the actual details are all that important to the current situation which seems to have been brewing for quite some time.

Based on the bolded, I definitely think your cousin has been resenting him and this relationship for quite some time. Yeah it was messed up that he felt he had to pull $100 out of her account to get her attention, but now that she knows that, does she have some understanding of why he did it and how it was connected to how he felt about her behavior in the relationship?

And what exactly would he need to do to show his remorse and why is that so important? Based on the history you've laid out here, I don't see any huge violations of trust other then the extramarital sex which you said they worked through. It seems like they were both down with him becoming a househusband, so what exactly is he suppossed to be sorry for? Why is there no trust in the relationship? Again, taking $100 out of an account to get somebody's attention is kind of pathetic, but I don't see why that's the make or break moment of the relationship.

It sounds to me like your cousin is tired of being the breadwinner and basically not attracted this man any more. That's the issue, not his taking the money and not being remorseful. I personally think she needs to own that she doesn't really want to be in this relationship and seems to be creating circumstances to justify ending it.

Sex and money are the big power players in relationships and she's basically holding all the chips. It's not surprising that he is acting out (albeit in childish ways) to regain some power in the relationship. I'm not justifying his behavior at all, I'm just saying under the circumstances it's not surprising.

 

[ThickHair]

In all honesty it sounds like a crackhead issue. They all start off this way.

 

[ThickHair]

Thanks for your understanding reply Vee.
She told me last night she asked him to leave..

now she has to worry about childcare, probably giving up work,divorce etc

I'm beginning to feel a little stressed out for her, as its me she's picking up the phone crying to.

sighs

Also she would have to pay him alimony and if he wants to get indignant he can try to get custody of the children since he was the primary caretaker and get child support also. If woman can do this and win so can men. Can't start calling mental illness now after you done had 4 children and five years.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Thanks BlacqueAngel for the info.

Sorry if I didn't get the details of his sex outside the marriage or his hard working history correct, but honestly I don't think the actual details are all that important to the current situation which seems to have been brewing for quite some time.

Based on the bolded, I definitely think your cousin has been resenting him and this relationship for quite some time. Yeah it was messed up that he felt he had to pull $100 out of her account to get her attention, but now that she knows that, does she have some understanding of why he did it and how it was connected to how he felt about her behavior in the relationship?

And what exactly would he need to do to show his remorse and why is that so important? Based on the history you've laid out here, I don't see any huge violations of trust other then the extramarital sex which you said they worked through. It seems like they were both down with him becoming a househusband, so what exactly is he suppossed to be sorry for? Why is there no trust in the relationship? Again, taking $100 out of an account to get somebody's attention is kind of pathetic, but I don't see why that's the make or break moment of the relationship.

It sounds to me like your cousin is tired of being the breadwinner and basically not attracted this man any more. That's the issue, not his taking the money and not being remorseful. I personally think she needs to own that she doesn't really want to be in this relationship and seems to be creating circumstances to justify ending it.

Sex and money are the big power players in relationships and she's basically holding all the chips. It's not surprising that he is acting out (albeit in childish ways) to regain some power in the relationship. I'm not justifying his behavior at all, I'm just saying under the circumstances it's not surprising.

Amber, i will speak to my cousin in a couple of hours and let you know what she says in regards to this post.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

In all honesty it sounds like a crackhead issue. They all start off this way.

i doubt that, this guy doesn't even smoke cigarette's. he's really clued up when it comes to health and fitness.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

They have decided to go for marriage counselling, So I hope all goes well with them

 

[darlingdiva]

leave. There is truth in the "if they lie, they will steal and they will cheat"[/QUOTE]

My mother says the same thing to me and my brother.

Blaque*Angel, I don't feel comfortable giving your cousin's husband a pass due to his mental illness because:

1) He was sane enough to cheat on her, and

2) He was sane enough to continuously lie in her face about stealing from her account.

I think it all goes back to what TheLaurynDoll was saying about accountability. Your cousin doesn't hold her husband accountable. He cheats on her, and she has four kids with him--back to back to back to back. He steals from her, and she's cooking for him.

Through her actions she says, "I don't demand respect."
Through his actions he responds, "I don't respect you."

This destructive pattern will continue until your cousin puts her foot down and demand the respect she deserves as his wife and the mother of his children.

 

[ambergirl]

They have decided to go for marriage counselling, So I hope all goes well with them

Tnanks BlaqueAngel

Glad to hear it and I wish them well. My sense is that there's alot more going on in the relationshp then has been shared so I'd be curious to hear what issues come up for them in the counseling process.

 

[shenitab]

Something is really wrong. Glad to hear they are going to counseling. She also needs to go by herself. There is no way he should have kept lying to her about taking money out of the account. He should have told her the truth when she first asked about it. My husband asks me if he sees something unusual. I don't see a problem with that. We have both been victims of fraud at one point or another and its best to keep your eye on your accounts.

She needs to tell this dude that he needs to figure out what he is going to do next. Go back to school, get a job, or whatever. If she makes good money, she can get a nanny for the kids. If he is feeling emasculated, he needs to make a plan.

This just sounds very passive/aggressive and weird to me. If he can lie to me like that, I wouldn't trust him. Something is wrong, what's the point of lying like that? Didn't he think she would figure it out.

She needs to make a - get out of this relationship plan - just in case. She needs to cut expenses and cut some of those hours. It's hard to know what is going on if you aren't around. She needs to PAY ATTENTION - I feel like she is missing something.

 

[s_terry]

at your reply. your posts always make me laugh and i imagine madea talking and smoking!

well,back to the topic at hand. she actually married her husband before he had a mental episode/nervous breakdown. and she did have 4 children by him!

he is a nice person, and if you did not know he had an episode you would could never have guessed! he don't look or act "mad" he's actually well mannered and good looking.

she didn't call the cops, the bank alerted the cops..

Ohh, is anyone else reading "hustler, opportunist, he got the game locked up and done run with it" from all these shenanigans. Lord help me! What is it with these women and "House Husbands" WTF????

 

[s_terry]

A woman who is not standing in Vagina Power! Not piloting the yussp...letting the n-ts and the p-enis run around and run free to do what it wants to do!

She needs to salute the Vagina!

Girl you crazy and wrong. This right here is hysterical~

 

[s_terry]

I have to say, the whole situation is a bit hard to understand.

So he had an affair and got a woman pregnant....but that didn't get her to leave. He has mental health issues and hasn't worked, but that also wasn't a dealbreaker because he's caring for their 4 children. But he "steals" $100 and that's the thing that ends the trust and makes her want to end the marriage? And the $100 was so he could go away? And just what kind of get away is he going on with $100?

All the way around this situation doesn't make a lot of sense. Obviously her husband didn't feel he could be honest about withdrawing $100 from her account but why? Is it because he's up to no good with the money? Is it because your cousin is tightfisted with the money. I mean it's 100 dollars!!! That's just not alot of money to get agitated about. And does he have a "leisure" account too or is that reserved for her because she's the breadwinner?

And why exactly is he supposed to be groveling and shamed? Is it because he was dishonset about withdrawing the money or is it because your cousin wonders what he really wanted that money for?

I'm sure your cuz and her hubby are great people but to me it's hard to understand what's really the issue in their marriage because it's not the $100.

Go amber for getting to the heart of the matter!

 

[s_terry]

Blaque, please don't take my responses as disrespectful. It appears they are willing to try counseling. Good for them and may God bless them both on the journey. I'm sure your cousin appreciates such a loving, caring, non judgmental cousin in her life.

 

[Nina_deF]

We have house accounts and shared and then our own personal spending accts. I still don't get though why she's calling it "stealing" *shrugs*If dh went to my personal account or I went to his, I don't know that I would notice or even care, in fact I think he has and I have.

If my DH accessed my personal account IMO it would be stealing.

We also have a joint house account, he has his personal accounts and I have mine.

He has no right to access my personal accounts, if he is strapped he can ask, otherwise hands off.
My money is not to be taken for granted.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Blaque, please don't take my responses as disrespectful. It appears they are willing to try counseling. Good for them and may God bless them both on the journey. I'm sure your cousin appreciates such a loving, caring, non judgmental cousin in her life.

Not disrespectful, but unneccesary
I love my cousin, she's like a sister to me.

Mini Update:
She has cut down her working hours,
They have had two sessions of counselling,
My auntie is looking after the babies 3 times a week..

Her DH is actively seeking work and has an interview next week.

My cousin and I are grateful for all the responses in this thread
(*I E-mailed it to her*) she says the negative comments also got her thinking, she accepts her mistakes and has made drastic changes and is reaping small benefits so far.

 

[MissYocairis]

*adjustin glasses n pulls out a pack of newport out my bra*.....

*lights up said newport one hunnit*

lemme git dis hea straight. she's missin money, da dummy suggests that they go call da cops, she acts on it, they pull an image and she don't know if its him or not...but fa real it's his stoopit azzsz...he start actin nervous, and confesses it while he takes out da trash....and then says he did it cuz he felt suicidal, neglected, he was angry cuz they had an argument a week ago, ain't had no sex, and wanted to take a trip...and he got some mental issues...and they got 4 kids and she da breadwinner. Ok yall..imma need yall to go back n re-read dis whole situation again.

*puff n plucks ash*

git da phuck outta dodd wif dat..... are u shyttin me???

first of all, who marries someone who is mentally disabled, then turns around n has a rack of chirren by'em?

You. HATE. Me!

I cannot. EVEN. Read your posts without losing my MIND! I hear Tyler Perry doin' Ma'dea and all that, EVERY TIME! I'm so mad you did a whole Ma'dea run-down synopsis!

Stop it!

 

[MissYocairis]

*RANT*

funny how the popular posters on LHCF get "Thanked" When their post was not even beneficial.
Been on here over 5 years and it is the same cycle, just new posters. Thats why I have never joined any clique's on here.

maybe the post is just funny and that's what's getting thanked.

I think there's a lot of beneficial advice in this thread and your cousin sounds like a really sweet person. I am praying for both she and her husband. I hope they are able to resolve everything.