Do I say something to him?

[krikit96]

IMO, If we are "dating" or whatever you call it, and you are in my bed at 2 am I have the right to ask some questions.

EXACTLY!!!! Y'all have history too... you ain't some new chick on the scene. If y'all have been discussing making it official, then he knows good and damn well what you want. It's not a new subject to him.

I'm sorry, but to the women who say going thru a phone is off limits EVEN TO A MARRIED COUPLE??? Naw son. That's how these women end up getting cheated on. If a man wants to cheat, he's going to cheat, bottom line. HOWEVER, if he knows you ain't gonna go thru his phone... or he always has his history deleted... There's a problem right there! If he knows his wife or girlfriend or whatever you are to him ain't checkin up on him, what's to stop him or make him think twice? I mean, it's good if you can check every now and then and find nothing, and never let him know you checked.

To me, I'd rather not leave it up to trust and never know - all these diseases and skanky men and women out here... I'm not just going to hope I can trust you, I'm looking to see if I can trust you... That's how I build trust... me looking and not finding anything... cuz if you dont know I'm checkin you, you gonna do what you do... and if I see everything is good, then cool... What OP found was because she LOOKED, not because he was forthcoming and TOLD her

No offense to you...but I see it like this: I'm a grown-arse woman...I can ask whatever I please, especially with someone I'm intimate with. If he has a problem with my questions then I will govern myself accordingly. However, I will not abstain from asking just because of some imaginary/unwritten rule that it's inappropriate. There nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand/what his intentions are. That's why there is so much drama, baby mamas, and STDs going around....folks thinking they don't have the "right" to ask. Yes you do! God gave you a mouth, use it!

PREACH!!!! If you gonna get an attitude with me off the break, then I KNOW you wrong, and it's a wrap. I gotta protect myself cuz you obviously lookin out for your OWN interests and now OURS TOGETHER

 

[BellaLunie]

So I texted him and told him that we needed to talk. He was kind of of guard and pissed that I went thru his phone. All I told him is I saw a text from "X", he was like "oh really what'd it say? "- That part I didn't like bc he was trying to see what I knew so he could lie! I just told him I saw enough. He asked me if I wanted to stop talking to him etc and we were going back and forth. He basically said what you ladies said. He's single and didn't do anything wrong. Sad truth is that is he's right. I can't say ish. This was around 3 pm and I haven't heard from him. I guess he's mad that I went thru his phone. I just keep thinking there there has to be more to it then just the one text. I just don't feel right. I even drove by his house last night to see if anyone was there and I'm not like that. Even if we were to be in a relationship I don't think I could fully trust him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I definitely not going to initiate contact again. I have to get over this

 

[BellaLunie]

No, it's not weird, you ALLOW yourselves to stay in contact. If you truly don't want to be bothered, you can take the necessary steps to make that happen. I promise, if you don't want to be bothered, you don't have to be.

The question is, why do you LET this keep happening?

I really don't know...

Ok I missed this post. I don't understand what this means. Are you or are you not in an exclusive relationship? Taking it day by day until you decide you want to be exclusive is pre-intimacy dating!

We're not officially together

YES, and my response would have been. "Ok we can take it day by day and until then we will not be sexing each other but we can hold hands and cuddle every now and then. And if I'm feeling really frisky I may let you hold my left breast." Or just end it altogether and find a more suitable mate.

Many inexperienced women fall for this who are 3x her age, she's still a teen isn't she?

We're both 24 but have been going back and forth since 15/16

 

[BellaLunie]

Disclaimers: We are having protected sex! I don't need another child or a disease and he is never around my child.

 

[QueenTiffany]

No offense to you...but I see it like this: I'm a grown-arse woman...I can ask whatever I please, especially with someone I'm intimate with. If he has a problem with my questions then I will govern myself accordingly. However, I will not abstain from asking just because of some imaginary/unwritten rule that it's inappropriate. There nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand/what his intentions are. That's why there is so much drama, baby mamas, and STDs going around....folks thinking they don't have the "right" to ask. Yes you do! God gave you a mouth, use it!

With all due respect, in situations like this - you DO know where you stand. Y'all are *** buddies - and if you can't handle being an '*** buddy' (i.e. going through his phone, asking questions, catching feelings, wondering where he is) then you probably need to stay clear of engaging in casual sex.

And I disagree that cases like this are the root of drama, baby mamas and STDs - unprotected sex outside of the bonds of marriage is the main culprit. Folk sleeping with this person and that person with no lasting commitment and then wondering why things aren't working out once they decide they want something deeper

And while I agree that God gave us a mouth, he ALSO gave us standards to live by if you don't follow them, you may want to expect this outcome.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

No offense to you...but I see it like this: I'm a grown-arse woman...I can ask whatever I please, especially with someone I'm intimate with. If he has a problem with my questions then I will govern myself accordingly. However, I will not abstain from asking just because of some imaginary/unwritten rule that it's inappropriate. There nothing wrong with wanting to know where you stand/what his intentions are. That's why there is so much drama, baby mamas, and STDs going around....folks thinking they don't have the "right" to ask. Yes you do! God gave you a mouth, use it!

My point is that these are questions you need to be asking PRIOR to banging. Why don't you know these things BEFORE you get in the bed with him?

Women give up way too much power then get bent out of shape when they try to ask for it back. You (not you specifically) need to open your mouth SOONER rather than later.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

The guy I'm seeing has reached out to his ex via text apparently. The text she sent him said "you drive me crazy, you reach out to me and ignore me" or something to that affect. The thing is he has swore to me up and down that the last time they talked was back in January when they broke up. If that's the case why is she sending him a text at 2am while he's in bed with me? I don't even know how she got his number because it's been changed since they broke up. Ladies should I cut my losses and move on or do I confront him? Something in the milk aint clean and that little voice is telling me to forget him. I wanted to smother his arse with the pillow when I saw it. Idk what to do...

Listen very carefully to what I am going to say: RUN! My experience is so close to yours that its scary. I confronted him a few times about his ex texting him & he tried to convince me that she was stalking him after he repeatedly asked her to stop. I recently had a dream that something was going on & when I asked him to show me his AT&T phone records ( which BTW also shows you texting history) he refused. He has been lying to me for the last 4 years. RUNNNNNN!!!! The "Ex-Factor" is not something you want to continue to deal with...trust me, somethings up

 

[SweetNic_JA]

The problem here is you have let this man into your bed, your home and your life without a commitment. Sex without monogamy (with the expectation of monogamy) usually doesn't work. Someone usually gets hurt.

Technically he is not obligated to you because you gave him the green light to do whatever the heck he pleases. As far as I see it, you can't complain...but you do need to talk to him to see where you two stand from this point.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I really don't know...



We're not officially together



We're both 24 but have been going back and forth since 15/16

That's too much time to be wasting on a dead end relationship. Move on !!!

 

[BellaLunie]

Listen very carefully to what I am going to say: RUN! My experience is so close to yours that its scary. I confronted him a few times about his ex texting him & he tried to convince me that she was stalking him after he repeatedly asked her to stop. I recently had a dream that something was going on & when I asked him to show me his AT&T phone records ( which BTW also shows you texting history) he refused. He has been lying to me for the last 4 years. RUNNNNNN!!!! The "Ex-Factor" is not something you want to continue to deal with...trust me, somethings up

that's why he changed his number after they broke up. I don't know how or why he would give it to her again.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

I had a totally different idea in mind but once I saw our post below there was no need. He is not your exclusive boyfriend. He has done nothing wrong. You can certainly ask him about the text (and given that you are intimate with this man I would ask) but be prepared to hear that he is dating both of you at once.

I believe in dating multiple people at once when you are young, not multiple intimate partners but definitely date multiple people at once. It does not matter that you have decided to make him your exclusive dating option. Until you both agree to be exclusive, his dating other women is fair game.

We're not offically an item so I really can't say too much because he's not my man and he's technically single. But it's really disrespectful because he know's I'm not talking to anyone else.

 

[LovingLady]

Never speak to him again. Take this time to heal, figure things out, and to learn from this experience. You deserve someone that will love and respect you.

 

[jwhitley6]

With all due respect, in situations like this - you DO know where you stand. Y'all are *** buddies - and if you can't handle being an '*** buddy' (i.e. going through his phone, asking questions, catching feelings, wondering where he is) then you probably need to stay clear of engaging in casual sex.

And I disagree that cases like this are the root of drama, baby mamas and STDs - unprotected sex outside of the bonds of marriage is the main culprit. Folk sleeping with this person and that person with no lasting commitment and then wondering why things aren't working out once they decide they want something deeper

And while I agree that God gave us a mouth, he ALSO gave us standards to live by if you don't follow them, you may want to expect this outcome.

I hear you...I really do. I just don't believe in making assumptions (in either direction). How can you assume he considers you just an *** buddy unless you ask? You DO NOT know where you stand without open communication. Communication is the key! And regarding "standards to live by", we all know you can't change the past. Perhaps she made a mistake by allowing a casual back-and-forth sexual relationship with this man, but that by no means means she relinquishes all rights to seek clarity or renegotiate any implied "*** buddy contract" between the two.

My point is, it's never wrong to speak up and ask questions when you are uncomfortable with certain aspects of a relationship (any type relationship). What's the worst that can happen?...Really? You might just reach a compromise that you are both happy with; or you may get the answers you need in order to walk away without the "what ifs". Feel me?

 

[gabulldawg]

I'm suspicious of any man who's phone is so personal that I can't answer it. I should be able to answer it, make calls on it, or whatever. When you're in a REAL relationship with someone, something like a phone should not be off limits or private. I would not trust a man like that.

I don't think that's what the post you quoted was saying. I can't speak for her, but as for me I'm also one that doesn't usually touch my DH's phone or answer it. It's not my phone. If I'm around when his phone goes off and he isn't I will try to remind him that his phone went off. But I trust him enough to know that he's not being inappropriate. The only time I've answered his phone is when he wasn't in the room and I saw that my parents were calling (he didn't have an issue with it). He has never told me that I couldn't answer his phone or touch his phone. I just choose not to out of respect. He doesn't touch my phone, either, as far as I know. But I could care less if he does. I'm sure he could care less if I do. I don't think either one of us has anything to hide.

There has been a time when my cell battery died and he let me borrow his for a short time. I didn't go through it or anything, but I guess I could have if I wanted to. I just didn't think it was necessary because I trust him.

Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you have to give up all of your privacy and be treated like a child... If I felt the need to have to constantly check behind my DH (or vice versa) I wouldn't be with him.

 

[krikit96]

So I texted him and told him that we needed to talk. He was kind of of guard and pissed that I went thru his phone. All I told him is I saw a text from "X", he was like "oh really what'd it say? "- That part I didn't like bc he was trying to see what I knew so he could lie! I just told him I saw enough. He asked me if I wanted to stop talking to him etc and we were going back and forth. He basically said what you ladies said. He's single and didn't do anything wrong. Sad truth is that is he's right. I can't say ish. This was around 3 pm and I haven't heard from him. I guess he's mad that I went thru his phone. I just keep thinking there there has to be more to it then just the one text. I just don't feel right. I even drove by his house last night to see if anyone was there and I'm not like that. Even if we were to be in a relationship I don't think I could fully trust him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I definitely not going to initiate contact again. I have to get over this

You said you don't feel right... that is your answer... He can be mad all he wants, the answer YOU want is to the question: ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE OF ME. That is a fair question. That gives you the option to keep screwing this dude or not. Personally, I don't know any dude that would answer you truthfully if he was...

I don't think that's what the post you quoted was saying. I can't speak for her, but as for me I'm also one that doesn't usually touch my DH's phone or answer it. It's not my phone. If I'm around when his phone goes off and he isn't I will try to remind him that his phone went off. But I trust him enough to know that he's not being inappropriate. The only time I've answered his phone is when he wasn't in the room and I saw that my parents were calling (he didn't have an issue with it). He has never told me that I couldn't answer his phone or touch his phone. I just choose not to out of respect. He doesn't touch my phone, either, as far as I know. But I could care less if he does. I'm sure he could care less if I do. I don't think either one of us has anything to hide.

There has been a time when my cell battery died and he let me borrow his for a short time. I didn't go through it or anything, but I guess I could have if I wanted to. I just didn't think it was necessary because I trust him.

Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you have to give up all of your privacy and be treated like a child... If I felt the need to have to constantly check behind my DH (or vice versa) I wouldn't be with him.

NOT EVEN TRYIN TO BE FUNNY: GA, I just KNOW I didn't miss a blog or something... WHAT??? I KNOOOOOOW you ain't get married and didn't say somethin... I mean, I was gone for a minute but I just KNOWWWWW I didn't miss you gettin married... all the time I spent reading about y'all and the beginning of how y'all started and all... TELL ME you are just using the term DH instead of FH... PLEASE!?!?!

 

[Xavier]

I just sent him a text telling him I got my replacement phone and that we needed to talk. I'll keep you ladies posted.

Oh wow! Those dreaded words men hate to hear.


Belle either you are exclusive, or not. Since he is not your man he is free to date, bang, or talk to whoever. You may have chosen to see only him but that is a choice you made. This is typical of so many women. You're committed without it being mutual, and in his mind you and him are only kickin' it.


Sorry you are going through this but it sounds all too familiar.

 

[Royalty8790]

Yeah, you have no right to be mad. I know you thought he changed but look at y'all pass he cheated and y'all was hooking up in between relationships. He doesn't have respect for you.

 

[gabulldawg]

You said you don't feel right... that is your answer... He can be mad all he wants, the answer YOU want is to the question: ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE OF ME. That is a fair question. That gives you the option to keep screwing this dude or not. Personally, I don't know any dude that would answer you truthfully if he was...

NOT EVEN TRYIN TO BE FUNNY: GA, I just KNOW I didn't miss a blog or something... WHAT??? I KNOOOOOOW you ain't get married and didn't say somethin... I mean, I was gone for a minute but I just KNOWWWWW I didn't miss you gettin married... all the time I spent reading about y'all and the beginning of how y'all started and all... TELL ME you are just using the term DH instead of FH... PLEASE!?!?!

Yeah you may have missed a few blogs. I don't want to hijack so I will post a message on your profile....

 

[IntoMyhair]

No his battery was dying and kept beeping and it was out in the kitchen so I got up to turn it off. I saw that there was an unread message(yes I know it was wrong of me to go in his phone). I'm guessing he sent her the text before he came over and couldn't respond to it. There was only 2 inbox msgs so I'm thinking he must have deleted all others.

I'm not sure she knows about me. I know she knows of me because she's fb stalked me before. We're not offically an item so I really can't say too much because he's not my man and he's technically single. But it's really disrespectful because he know's I'm not talking to anyone else.

Why go through all the drama. He's deleting texts before he gets to your house says he is doing something he KNOWS is wrong. Drop him.