Rules for Friends With Benefits Relationships?

[FearlessNik]

I'm 27 and about to enter into my first FWB relationship. The guy is a co-worker of mine. We've been just friends for about a year now with nothing going on. 2 months ago he confided in me that he has been having sexual dreams about me. The choice for this relationship is mine. This is something I want to do and I believe it will be mutually beneficial with no complications. The issue is I have little experience with dating as a whole and I'm not sure what 'rules' to go by. So far the rules we have are 1. No messing around on/ around the job. 2. No pressuring (this goes both ways as I am aggressive as well). 3. If either 'eyes' decide to wander we will let the others know.

For those of you in FWB relationships, what rules do you have to make it work?

 

[sunnieb]

I'm 27 and about to enter into my first FWB relationship. The guy is a co-worker of mine. We've been just friends for about a year now with nothing going on. 2 months ago he confided in me that he has been having sexual dreams about me. The choice for this relationship is mine. This is something I want to do and I believe it will be mutually beneficial with no complications. The issue is I have little experience with dating as a whole and I'm not sure what 'rules' to go by. So far the rules we have are 1. No messing around on/ around the job. 2. No pressuring (this goes both ways as I am aggressive as well). 3. If either 'eyes' decide to wander we will let the others know.

For those of you in FWB relationships, what rules do you have to make it work?

You work together = complication

 

[FearlessNik]

What complications do you for see?

 

[Imani]

I've never had a FWB situation that worked out. NEVER. But again, that was back in my young days, maybe you are mature enough to handle it.

FWB situations just have too much gray area for me. It almost always ends up with one person catching more feelings than the other and someone getting hurt. IF I was going to do casual sex, I'd probably just go ahead and just make it an F*** buddy situation. I have had successful f*** buddy situations before. Because its pretty cut and dry what the deal is. There is no kicking it and doing couple type stuff. The relationship is just very casual, you get get it in and keep it moving.

 

[kismettt]

why is he not relationship material? remind yourself of that regularly. if you start to like him, or think maybe i can deal with that one dealbreaker quality...GTFO

 

[FearlessNik]

He is relationship material. But I'm not looking for one right now. I just got out of an 11 year relationship/ marriage. This relationship is mostly for the coloring. Until he told me about the dream I had never thought of him that way.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

I'm 27 and about to enter into my first FWB relationship. The guy is a co-worker of mine. We've been just friends for about a year now with nothing going on. 2 months ago he confided in me that he has been having sexual dreams about me. The choice for this relationship is mine. This is something I want to do and I believe it will be mutually beneficial with no complications. The issue is I have little experience with dating as a whole and I'm not sure what 'rules' to go by. So far the rules we have are 1. No messing around on/ around the job. 2. No pressuring (this goes both ways as I am aggressive as well). 3. If either 'eyes' decide to wander we will let the others know.

For those of you in FWB relationships, what rules do you have to make it work?

I have never had one, because I can only do sexual things with guys I like enough to date...

Are you in the army? Are you lonely, because if you are this maynot be the best thing for you.


But highlighted is your first problem: YOU ARE NOT DATING.

 

[frizzy]

Will you two be exclusive?
Overnight or a couple of hours per session?
How often will you see each other?
Medical testing prior to?
Will you go out on dates, or in public with each other?
Will you meet each others family and/or friends?
Are you prepared for catching feelings? That's where the complications at work comes in to play, when the FWB rlp. goes bad.

I think it's easier to express what you absolutely don't want in your FWB rlp. than to actually establish "rules".

Good luck and have fun!

 

[kismettt]

He is relationship material. But I'm not looking for one right now. I just got out of an 11 year relationship/ marriage. This relationship is mostly for the coloring. Until he told me about the dream I had never thought of him that way.

well that's my major requirement for any fwb. otherwise, the likelihood of catching feelings and messiness just escalates. and just the idea of that makes it not worth it.

good luck. be safe.

 

[Oasis]

you're probably not going to get much advice about this kind of thing on LHCF. premarital sex is not taken lightly 'round these parts. especially casual sex.

i wish i could help but i'm kinda in the same situation.

 

[TayMac]

1. Don't catch feelings. If you catch feelings or start feeling any jealously...end it.
2. Use protection always.
3. Bring your A game
4. No overnights.
5. Keep it short term.
6. Always at his place or a neutral location.

I'm not in one but have had a brief one in the past.

 

[Dposh167]

oooo a FWB in the office that u work in?
mmmm i don't think i would have done that from my own personal experience.

If yall laid the rules down then so be it. But don't expect him to abide by them 100%. If his eyes wander, he may not tell you. He may feel like it would hurt your feelings. You just have to be ready that there are rules to FWB...but there aren't

 

[tyrablu]

All parties must be on the same page at all times.

 

[FearlessNik]

We're not in the military. We are both contractors over here. Yes I definitely know we are not dating.

frizzy we will be exclusive, if either decides they don't want to do this or want someone else we will let the other know. It will prolly not be overnight. I like my privacy/space, and I snore really loud we would see each other when we are in the mood. If one isn't feeling it it's not going to happen. We've both been tested. We actually got tested together through a requirement of our job. Here there's not really any places to date or things like that. We go to meals together and to the little shopping center. We've done that for the past year. We have the same friends for the most part. There will be no meeting of families, it's not that serious. I'm based out of Texas and he's from South Carolina. I am prepared if either happen to catch feelings. But he knows I'm firm on my ground with only having a sexual relationship. Fortunately our department is large. If a major problem came up one of us could move to another section with no problems or questions.

 

[imaccami]

Never had a sex buddy, but if he's relationship material, why not have a relationship? Or keep him as a friend until you're ready for a relationship. I think FWB with a nice guy will ruin the chances of you two ever getting together for real, and why ruin your chances with a good guy? Find a loser and be sex buddies with them.

Did he bring up being FWB? What did he say? "I had a sex dream about you, but I don't want to be in a relationship with you, so let's be FWB?" I'm just nosy, I just can't imagine how he brought up that topic.

And I agree with the person who said that you're not dating, so your lack of dating experience shouldn't have any impact on the situation at all.

 

[kismettt]

i'd assume "lack of dating experience" means "lack of experience with men in romantic/sexual situations period", so there's that bridge.

 

[Klearli]

lol. I am NOT judging your grown woman self making grown woman decisions. But I want to give you an honest answer.

The problem I see is your rule #3. Ie, if there are wandering eyes you must tell each other. FAILURE. Because in that sense y'all are making a commitment to each other. You will feel betrayed if you find out he's been poking someone else and he didn't disclose that to you even though y'all both agreed. Girl, if you wanna f*** with no strings, and not get your heart broken...STAY OUT OF HIS BUSINESS! Its none of your business who else he is sleeping with. Don't ask and don't care. The second you care...your going to get your heart fractured. And then I know you're like...well were gonna do it right. He's getting tested and so am I, so were going to be exclusive buddies for safety. Yeaaaah. No STDs! That is also a failed line of thinkng. Trust me. And third off...friends with benefits relationships don't last long. So when its over (he will get tired of you, or he will wanna be with you. You might feel opposite of however he feels) that's gonna be messy looking at him at work every day! Very messy!

Anyway, since you asked. My rules are:

1. Date other people. Don't ever let yourself be exclusive.
2. Don't catch feelings.
3. Be brutally honest at all times
4. He doesn't love you. Remember that.

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[SeatownSista]

I don't know if this is the best situation to enter with a coworker since you will have to see him on a regular basis at work, may make things a bit awkward. I prefer to have little to no contact with a FWB outside of when we meet up to do the do, and I also like to keep our sessions infrequent as well to avoid making things weird or catching feelings.

 

[frizzy]

@nmsmith2003

I just noticed your location....yikes!.....carry on!

He's not in a committed rlp, is he? Disregard if you don't want to answer.

 

[Natty_Virgo]

I met dh at work and I initially told him I was only interested in a fwb type situation. Eventually I started falling for him and we started the relationship. We didn't kick it at work tho cause I didn't want anyone in my business.

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[Natty_Virgo]

Oh and there was someone else up there that I wanted to kick it with too lmao. I asked my dh how he would feel if I started kicking it with ole boy and he asked me not too so I say just be upfront with him on eveything and have fun with it.

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[FearlessNik]

Oasis thanks for the heads up. I usually don't come into the relationship forum.

 

[FearlessNik]

imaccami I've never really been single, so I'm taking this time to just be selfish and focus on me. One day he just blurted it out. He said it was odd because he never thought of me like that. It is odd because I'm usually his wing-woman.

Kismet that's pretty much correct. I was with my ex husband from the age of 16 until I was 27. We did separate for 6 months, but I did not date or mess arou d during that time.

Klearli IMO there's more to a relationship than sex. Right now that's the main section of my life that's lacking. I'm not big on the idea of having multiple partner at the same time. Thank you for #3 and 4!

frizzy no he's not. Unfortunately he's always been boyfriend #2. I'm not sure what's exactly whong with him, but women keep dumping him!

 

[VelvetRain]

Just be aware that once you enter into that type of relationship with a man 9/10 as a woman you may start to catch feelings. It's impossible for you to retain a level of respect from him once you start that arrangement.

 

[sunnieb]

What complications do you for see?

I've never had a FWB relationship, but I'm not going to judge any adult who willingly enters into one.

Complications arise with workplace personal relationships all the time. I've been in the corporate world for 20 years and I've seen my share of drama played out in the office.

Just think about when the relationship is over. Will you be okay with working with someone who's seen you naked? What about him? Will one of you catch feelings?

It's just easier if you have this type of relationship with someone you can totally break all ties with once it's over. Keeps things from getting messy and everybody on the job out of your private business.

 

[Klearli]

I did NOT mean sleep with more than one person at the same time. I meant date other people. Don't let yourself get exclusive cuz your sleeping with him. Make sure you're available for people who are interested in real relationships.

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[FearlessNik]

sunnib once it's over I'll be ok knowing he's seen me naked. I actually have no problem with nudity. I don't think either of us will catch feelings. You never know but that's not our intent.

Klearli ok I understand what you are meaning. I'm not taking the comments too dear to heart. But I am listening to other people's opinions and I appreciate the comments/ suggestions/ experience/ advice.

 

[Keen]

you're probably not going to get much advice about this kind of thing on LHCF. premarital sex is not taken lightly 'round these parts. especially casual sex.

i wish i could help but i'm kinda in the same situation.

There are some vocal voices here against this but for the most part, I don't think the majority of the members in here are not having premarital sex. I would agree that more would frown upon having FWB but not premarital sex itself.

 

[sunnieb]

@sunnib once it's over I'll be ok knowing he's seen me naked. I actually have no problem with nudity. I don't think either of us will catch feelings. You never know but that's not our intent.

@Klearli ok I understand what you are meaning. I'm not taking the comments too dear to heart. But I am listening to other people's opinions and I appreciate the comments/ suggestions/ experience/ advice.

Ok then, good luck and be safe!

 

[Curly Lee]

Never had one. Have fun and be safe!
Maybe you should maintain a positive attitude. Right now you're focusing on the possible negatives. I think you should just enjoy your time together while remaining watchful. (Kinda like when you worry about negative it usually comes to you, be proactive and believe it can end well. You know all that metaphysics jazz)