*Spinoff* "The Rules Challenge!--"Rules" girls get in here!

[Crystalicequeen123]

Men I tell you.....

I already don't like him.... erplexed

(Randomly out of the blue in our conversation) Him: Yes, are we gonna meet up soon?

Me: Is that how you ask a lady out?

Him:I'm kind of burnt on these dating websites so sorry if I am not more gentlemanly.

You should be hot to see me that it doesn't matter.

These were sent at the same time:
Quote:
Him: If you need some big courtship then I'm not your guy.

Me: And you should be so hot to see me that you actually ask me out.

Him: Would you like to meet for a drink one night this week. Maybe Wednesday.

Me: Yes, I'd love to.

Him: Sounds great! I'm at work now but will get back with you later.

Me: Sounds like a plan.

GOOD for you!!! I LOVED your responses back lol


These men I tell you! How old is this one??

I'm sorry, but men need to know that WOMEN are the prize.... How come things have become so skewed these days???

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I JUST picked up this book again last night "for old time's sake", and started reading it again, along with some of the posts in here, and boy oh boy.....

I think I'm gonna go back to being a "Rules Girl" again lol. I just always feel so empowered and positive about myself when I know that I'm trusting in the "natural order of things" and realize that I'm worthy of being pursued!

So yeah.....I'm toying with the idea of doing "The Rules" again :scratchch.......Except, THIS time....I won't be doing "The Rules" to help me get over some guy or some player guy friend.

THIS time I'll be doing them with a clean new slate and will see what ensues. I think I'll do a slightly modified version of the Rules until the end of this year and see if I notice a difference.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Belle Du Jour @hopeful @AnjelLuvsUBabe @nicola.kirwan @Italiano @CurliDiva @gn1g @MzLady78 @SincerelyJane @ThePerfectScore @caribeandiva @SincerelyJane @ladysaraii

Hey Rules Girls!!!

Where are my Rules Girls at?? Anyone else still doing "The Rules" (aka NOT chasing after men)?? I have a question..... (I apologize in advance for the length )

My question is this:

Is it EVER "okay" (according to "The Rules") to invite a man over for a party? Let's say that it's not YOU inviting him, but a friend. erplexed

My gut is telling me that NO that is totally AGAINST The RULES!! But, I'm getting hounded...

Backstory:
There's this Christian man that my roommate is trying to hook me up with since we're of the same faith and she thinks he's so wonderful and spiritual, nice, good guy, respectable, etc. We actually have known each other since last year, and although we don't go to the same church, we sort of know of each other because we have somewhat mutual friends.

WELL..... A few months ago a couple in my congregation invited him over their house for a dinner and invited me as well (sort of like a "hook up" thing ), and although I found him to be really friendly, engaging (asking me questions), not awkward, and fun, at the end of the night he DID NOT ask me for my number! So I figured that he was just being friendly and isn't interested.

Well, my roommate happened to see him again recently at some religious function, and she took it upon herself to invite him to a future party that we're planning on having. Since I'm new to CA she REALLY wants me to get to know other guys in the area....especially since she's dating someone right now.

My mom and her ganged up on me yesterday when I told them that I REALLY don't feel that it is right to invite him to this thing since we've known each other for about a year now, and we ALREADY were invited to this dinner thing just a couple of months ago and he didn't make any real "moves" towards me.

They blasted me saying that maybe he's "shy" (trust me, he is NOT shy ),and maybe the reason why he hasn't made any clear cut moves is because I haven't given him any clear cut signals that it's okay for him to pursue me.

He really IS a nice guy, I definitely respect that, but imo....my GUT is telling me to WAIT...be patient, and just SEE what he does...ESPECIALLY since he's a Christian man. Let HIM show me what his intentions are (if any) towards me. Oh, and did I mention that he's a "hot commodity"??? TONS of other ladies/sisters love him to death and he's probably used to a lot of female attention.

Idk....call me crazy, but I feel like if a guy is REALLY interested or attracted to you, YOU WILL KNOW. Even a CHRISTIAN man will let me know eventually.

My friends and family think I'm being unreasonable... erplexed

Soooo....what say you?? Is my roomie right?? She says that he wouldn't think anything was weird since it wasn't ME who invited him, but HER who invited him. Imo, guys aren't stupid, and I just get the feeling that he would know something is up.


Oy vey..... Personally?????????? I'd rather just wait, be patient, and see what he does on his OWN initiative (if anything). In the past, things have NEVER worked out when I've invited dudes that I was interested in to my house. I'm not saying I have a crush on this particular guy (cuz I DON'T....I just think he's nice), but I think jumping the gun and trying to "make things happen" would douse any type of POTENTIAL interest that he COULD have in me if he were even looking in my direction.

Your thoughts??

 

[aribell]

I don't think you have anything to worry about since you didn't invite him. Even if you had, if it's a party with lots of people, I don't think that would have been a big deal either. I wouldn't let them push you into thinking he's interested/assuming he's shy when he hasn't indicated that, though. I would invest zero energy in worrying about this.

 

[caribeandiva]

I say trust your instincts. Ignore your mom and your friend. You're right that he had plenty of chances to ask for your number. Keep being friendly to him but date others. Give him a chance to come to you. Like you said, men aren't stupid. They go after what they want.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I don't think you have anything to worry about since you didn't invite him. Even if you had, if it's a party with lots of people, I don't think that would have been a big deal either. I wouldn't let them push you into thinking he's interested/assuming he's shy when he hasn't indicated that, though. I would invest zero energy in worrying about this.

@nicola.kirwan

You think so??

I think that since we know each other ALREADY, that it would kind of awkward.....especially if he knows that the couple already invited us earlier to a dinner in the hopes of "introducing" us to each other. I think my roomie inviting YET AGAIN would be overkill imo..... erplexed

But maybe I'm paranoid....

I say trust your instincts. Ignore your mom and your friend. You're right that he had plenty of chances to ask for your number. Keep being friendly to him but date others. Give him a chance to come to you. Like you said, men aren't stupid. They go after what they want.

@caribeandiva THANK YOU!!!

This is what I'm saying!

Plus, when I look at how my roomie and HER bf got together, she didn't have to "DO" anything!! Her bf saw her at a monthly karaoke event that friends put on every month, and he watched and observed her for months until he worked up the nerve to give her HIS number lol!

She wasn't even THINKING about him! She didn't even FLIRT with him! And HE is actually SHY!!! So that's proof right there that if a guy REALLY wants you, he'll make a move...even if it's just him giving you HIS number lol.

To me, it's ALWAYS better if the guy makes the FIRST move.

This whole plotting and planning my roomie is trying to do is just making me uneasy.... Every guy who has been genuinely interested in me in the past didn't need a LOT of coaxing from me. If I'm friendly, smiling, engaging, and cordial, then IMO that should be MORE than enough for a guy to make a move.


I just think that ALL women are deserving of being pursued. I think when you don't trust in the natural order of things, it makes you anxious, fearful, and want to try to jump the gun and "make things happen", and honestly, I've been there done that, and it never worked out.

I can already sense a shift in my "energy" now that she's trying to invite HIM over. It's not a good vibe either.... erplexed I could see if we didn't know each other from Adam...but we KNOW each other!


But I'm definitely open to other thoughts and input as well....

 

[aribell]

@nicola.kirwan

You think so??

I think that since we know each other ALREADY, that it would kind of awkward.....especially if he knows that the couple already invited us earlier to a dinner in the hopes of "introducing" us to each other. I think my roomie inviting YET AGAIN would be overkill imo..... erplexed

But maybe I'm paranoid....

Well, I guess it depends on the type of party. If they're trying to trick him into some kind of double date, then yeah, that would be awkward. But I don't see why it would be a problem for him to be invited to a party with lots of people where you're also present. However, if they start trying to push you two together, start dropping hits, etc., then yes, he'll probably figure out that that's what's up. And it will reflect badly on you even though you didn't do it.

So I guess if this is the only reason they're inviting him, then they probably should just leave it alone. But either way, you should play cool regardless of what happens.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Dont fret, let him come to party and act cool calm and collected. Like you said leave it on him... of course you can be flirtatious in a way, but dont go into it acting like you dont know him and/or bitter he didnt ask for number last go round...

Blessings and have fun...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Well, I guess it depends on the type of party. If they're trying to trick him into some kind of double date, then yeah, that would be awkward. But I don't see why it would be a problem for him to be invited to a party with lots of people where you're also present. However, if they start trying to push you two together, start dropping hits, etc., then yes, he'll probably figure out that that's what's up. And it will reflect badly on you even though you didn't do it.

So I guess if this is the only reason they're inviting him, then they probably should just leave it alone. But either way, you should play cool regardless of what happens.

Lol...no, it won't be THAT type of party! It's going to be like a game night with some friends. Our place is small though, so we probably wouldn't be able to have more than 20 people invited....if that.

Ugh....gosh, I HOPE my roomie doesn't try to "pair us up" in anything...now THAT would definitely be embarrassing lol. Smh... erplexed

Dont fret, let him come to party and act cool calm and collected. Like you said leave it on him... of course you can be flirtatious in a way, but dont go into it acting like you dont know him and/or bitter he didnt ask for number last go round...

Blessings and have fun...

AnjelLuvsUBabe

Thanks girl... I will definitely play it cool And I'm definitely not bitter... I just don't see the point in inviting him to yet ANOTHER event when some couple already invited us trying to hook us up. My roommate keeps telling me that he has to see me in my element and see my "true personality" . But In MY opinion, the "hook up dinner" WAS a social event where he saw my "true personality"...

But ugh...she's got it in her head that she MUST invite him.... So...oh well....

 

[hopeful]

I do not see the big deal. He may not even come at all. But if he does your focus should be on three things: looking super cute, having fun, and entertaining ALL of your guests. That's it. Let your friend know you will have no part in them trying to push you two together. If he makes a move, fine. If he doesn't, fine. The evening is about you being cute, having fun, and being a good hostess. I will also add that if he's a great catch, eligible, and ready to settle down, he will likely not be single for long. I would not be waiting to see if he'll approach, etc. Just live your life and let others keep an eye out for you. Be open to their suggestions without letting them push you into silly things. IMO it doesn't make sense to spend a lot of energy on a man who hasn't even asked for your phone number. And although you think he seems nice, he may not really be that nice. People are good at appearing how they want to be seen. So don't get hung up on missing out on anything. And don't try to control what other people do. Let folks invite him and other single men too. Let folks try to look out for you. In the end what's meant to be will be so you might as well just focus on living your life and being happy.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I do not see the big deal. He may not even come at all. But if he does your focus should be on three things: looking super cute, having fun, and entertaining ALL of your guests. That's it. Let your friend know you will have no part in them trying to push you two together. If he makes a move, fine. If he doesn't, fine. The evening is about you being cute, having fun, and being a good hostess. I will also add that if he's a great catch, eligible, and ready to settle down, he will likely not be single for long. I would not be waiting to see if he'll approach, etc. Just live your life and let others keep an eye out for you. Be open to their suggestions without letting them push you into silly things. IMO it doesn't make sense to spend a lot of energy on a man who hasn't even asked for your phone number. And although you think he seems nice, he may not really be that nice. People are good at appearing how they want to be seen. So don't get hung up on missing out on anything. And don't try to control what other people do. Let folks invite him and other single men too. Let folks try to look out for you. In the end what's meant to be will be so you might as well just focus on living your life and being happy.

Awwww...thanks hopeful!!! You are SO right!

I thought about it in the past few days, and the conversation that I had with my mom over the weekend, and I came to the conclusion that I give up. I give up trying to control things. erplexed Obviously my roommate is going to do what she wants to do regardless lol....

Soooo....last night, I told her that we can have the party..... She was ecstatic! She REALLY thinks he and I would be a good match. I told her we can have the party, but to push it back to the end of the year since right now isn't a good time,(there's a lot going on with her cancer diagnosis, etc.) and plus, it gives me some time too .

I have totally given up. I've given up even LOOKING these days lol. I think these days I'm just going to focus on MYSELF, and improving in some areas in my life. I think this whole thing has probably been an eye-opener for me. I guess maybe I didn't realize how much I had not healed from some of my past relationships/mistakes/failures w/other guys in the past. erplexed I think that fear just continues to linger in the back of my mind. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself....I can't handle another heartbreak

My mom said the same thing you all have been saying though.... It's JUST a party. No big deal. I think NOW I'm coming to that realization. I think before I was more so concerned with doing "the Rules" and protecting myself that I wasn't even allowing people to try to expand my social circle with guys.

My roomie is going to invite the guy, as well as some other single guys and girls and a few couples...young and old. So it will be a pretty nice mixed group!

And like you said, if he doesn't come....no harm no foul!!! It's not like I invited him anyway lol. Besides, I have to admit that I DO need to get out of my comfort zone and meet some new guys. Especially since I'm new to this state/area. I guess first dates don't take place in your condo lol.

So, I'll make sure to LOOK nice, BE NICE, SMELL Nice, and have FUN at this party! There will be quite a few guys there, so I'll make sure to bring it..... And if not them, then SURELY they have some single guy friends??

Thanks again for the encouragement hopeful... I really appreciate your advice. It's always so simple and yet so profound at the same time.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

While I still think the Rules are good, I have learned that men sometimes need a little nudge or encouragement that we won't stomp on their hearts LOL. Him being invited to the party might give him a green light to pursue. By the end of the night, he might ask to spend more time with you or try to communicate in some way.

I used to be very oblivious to the subtle ways guys try to gauge interest. When I looked back, I realized I have missed several opportunities to get to know some great guys. I also think what women think of as pursuit is more specific, but there are a range of behaviors that guys do that could equal pursuit: random conversation, offering to help you in some way/be chivalrous (ie help you move something, offer a ride home, etc), invite you to a random group event. In the past, I was blind to that stuff.

I think that dropping the hint that it's okay to pursue you is not the same as making the first move. I used to think it was but it's not the same as suggesting a date or specific plans.

Have fun! And come back with updates.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

While I still think the Rules are good, I have learned that men sometimes need a little nudge or encouragement that we won't stomp on their hearts LOL. Him being invited to the party might give him a green light to pursue. By the end of the night, he might ask to spend more time with you or try to communicate in some way.

I used to be very oblivious to the subtle ways guys try to gauge interest. When I looked back, I realized I have missed several opportunities to get to know some great guys. I also think what women think of as pursuit is more specific, but there are a range of behaviors that guys do that could equal pursuit: random conversation, offering to help you in some way/be chivalrous (ie help you move something, offer a ride home, etc), invite you to a random group event. In the past, I was blind to that stuff.

I think that dropping the hint that it's okay to pursue you is not the same as making the first move. I used to think it was but it's not the same as suggesting a date or specific plans.

Have fun! And come back with updates.

Thanks @Belle Du Jour for your input too!

I agree...I think I'm sort of the same way. Sometimes I can be VERY oblivious. I guess for me, due to some past hurtful experiences I've had in my previous dealings with certain guys (thinking they were interested, and they were NOT that into me... ), I just became way more cautious, and figured that a guy would have to darn near chase me down in the parking lot in order for me to think he was interested lol!

And when you read the Rules, it DOES make you feel empowered and self confident. It's a feeling of self absurdness and easy-goingnes because you realize that you don't have to "do" anything in order to attract a man's interest. However, I do agree that sometimes guys DO need a TINY little green light at times. Plus, for SOME guys (and this is something I've come to realize too as I've gotten older), especially Christian guys/men, they may already have in mind a time-frame for when they want to get married, what TYPE of christian/spiritual woman they would like to marry, and also some spiritual goals that they would like to fulfill before marriage. This is true for both Christian AND non-Christian men imo. So, it actually works AGAINST a woman for her to try and jump the gun and put the cart before the horse (so to speak) and pursue a man. That's why I always advocate that a woman should WAIT and allow a man to approach HER.

Yet, at the same time, I feel that you SHOULD put yourself in situations where you CAN do "The Rules" lol. And I think that's basically what my mom and my roommate were trying to tell me. There's nothing wrong with a party I guess. I think I have come to the realization that if you do the Rules TOO rigidly, it can make you overly strict, and your natural essence and openness can be somewhat hidden if you don't do it correctly. erplexed

 

[CurliDiva]

Sorry for the double post - my computer locked!

 

[CurliDiva]

@

They blasted me saying that maybe he's "shy" (trust me, he is NOT shy ),and maybe the reason why he hasn't made any clear cut moves is because I haven't given him any clear cut signals that it's okay for him to pursue me.

He really IS a nice guy, I definitely respect that, but imo....my GUT is telling me to WAIT...be patient, and just SEE what he does...ESPECIALLY since he's a Christian man. Let HIM show me what his intentions are (if any) towards me. Oh, and did I mention that he's a "hot commodity"??? TONS of other ladies/sisters love him to death and he's probably used to a lot of female attention.

Idk....call me crazy, but I feel like if a guy is REALLY interested or attracted to you, YOU WILL KNOW. Even a CHRISTIAN man will let me know eventually.

My friends and family think I'm being unreasonable... erplexed

Your thoughts??

Trust your GUT!

Even a shy guy will make his intentions known if he was feeling you. Being a Christian does not prelude him from showing interest. Sharing the same faith is great, but can not be the only thing drawing you and he together.

I had a white friend who would try to "hook me up" with the only other black dude she knew no matter how random, thinking "hey, they're both black, so they must make a good pair!"

Plus You have no idea "how" this friend has approached him about this party invite or what "crazy" sounding stuff she may have said about you that would scared him off.

You (nor a friend on your behalf) should never have to wait out a man to show interest! Enjoy the party and mingle. Don't put focus on this one guy.

Good luck!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Trust your GUT!

Even a shy guy will make his intentions known if he was feeling you. Being a Christian does not prelude him from showing interest. Sharing the same faith is great, but can not be the only thing drawing you and he together.

I had a white friend who would try to "hook me up" with the only other black dude she knew no matter how random, thinking "hey, they're both black, so they must make a good pair!"

Plus You have no idea "how" this friend has approached him about this party invite or what "crazy" sounding stuff she may have said about you that would scared him off.

You (nor a friend on your behalf) should never have to wait out a man to show interest! Enjoy the party and mingle. Don't put focus on this one guy.

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice CurliDiva! I COMPLETELY agree with the bolded. My gut is usually pretty spot on, and I trust that we women have natural female intuition that guides us. My GUT is telling me to be patient. I'm okay with the party idea now, but I'm glad I told my roomie to hold off from having the party until Dec. SOMETHING is just telling me to WAIT. Idk what it is....

Thankfully, my roommate told me how she approached him (I was in the vicinity ), and FORTUNATELY she didn't say anything crazy....she didn't even mention me or my name. She just said that "my roommate and I throw parties every once in a while and are trying to widen out and get to know more people....maybe you can come the next time we have something". She said that he seemed pretty excited and said: "Sure, I would love to!" So, that's why she felt "bad" that we hadn't invited him yet.


But anyway, I definitely agree with you, I'll just be fly and mingle with everyone there at the party. If anything it will at least open me up to other single guys in the area.


ETA: Oh and YES I know what you mean girl about people of other racesalways assuming that just because you're black and another guy is black that you two will be automatically "perfect" for each other lol! Ummmm.....not necessarily!!! I've had some well-meaning friends do this to me in the past. When I told them that I was open to "ALL colors of the rainbow" (or they could see that I liked celebrity men of all races), however, they then tried to hook me up with guys of other races as well. I guess sometimes people really don't know, and they figure that most AA women (which is TRUE!) tend to prefer AA Men. I mean, it's pretty much seen in the media, in the news, articles, stats, by our comments, etc. Soo....I don't blame them. Plus, our culture is somewhat different and we're really rooted in our culture and experience here in the US, so I can understand why someone would assume that we wouldn't want to step "outside the box" when it comes to dating lol. But personally for me, I've ALWAYS been open.