Rules for Friends With Benefits Relationships?

[SweetNic_JA]

If the sex isn't good, and this is just for sex, then why continue?

It's like continuing to go to a restaurant even though the food is garbage.

I really posted to tell you be careful. A good friend of mine started a FWB relationship while in lawschool. She was too busy and just wanted a guy. Why is it that after 7 years these fools ( I say that lightly) were going back and forth with dysfunctional relationship problems? They started the relationship off on a bad foot - on a rocky foundation, and that was a precursor to many problems because when they both eventually realized they wanted more than sex and caught feelings, their history made it impossible to transition into a normal relationship.

I would never tell anyone to enter into a FWB relationship. One or both parties is fooling him/herself to think it will work the way it was originally intended.

 

[Skyfall]

OP this sounds more about control than sex honestly.
I feel like your trying to get your sense of control back after your marriage, and it has manifested itself through sex.

 

[imaccami]

I'm not even ready to 'date' anyone. That's one thing I'm certain of. He know the terms but I think he likes to have his cake and eat it too. He's seen other men approach me before and it hasn't been an issue. Mainly because he knows I don't play that multiple partners crap or back to back lovers. But I havent thought about how he would react if I were interested in someone else. Of that were to happen I would end things with him waaayy before I persued anyone else. I wasn't thinking about the mediocre services I was receiving. Lol. But I did let him know if I were a 'Basic Bottom B*%#h' all the women here would know he's not the star he makes himself out to be. He tried to come back and say 'you don't know a good thing when you're gettin it'. I had to reply 'You might be right. But i've had 11 traes of bad things and I can call it when I see it'! I then spent the rest of the night laughing at his bruise manhood. SMH

You seriously said that??!! Wow!! I don't know OP, that's really harsh imo. Watch out, he may start spreading rumors about you or whatever else he can think of to get back at you and save his injured ego. Some men can get really mean...and if you're making harsh comments like that, he may think that you're mean and deserve it. Just my opinion, but this sounds like it's going to have a drama filled ending.

 

[tru4reele]

I have been with my SO for 5 years and we started out as FWB. If the sex is bomb u both WILL catch feelings.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

You seriously said that??!! Wow!! I don't know OP, that's really harsh imo. Watch out, he may start spreading rumors about you or whatever else he can think of to get back at you and save his injured ego. Some men can get really mean...and if you're making harsh comments like that, he may think that you're mean and deserve it. Just my opinion, but this sounds like it's going to have a drama filled ending.

Yes, I totally agree. You WORK with this man... in Afghanistan at that! So you can't just bail and move to the next town to cut ties. Seriously, saying that kind of thing to a man is about the most cruel thing you can do, except maybe physically cutting his thing off. You basically cut his thing off emotionally with your comments.

This is already too messy, I was rooting for you to get what you wanted and be happy, but this is a bomb that is ready to blow up and send doodoo flying all over your job. Some of it may land on YOU. Time to bail, and try to say something nice, spare his feelings, but cut it off.

eta: typos sorry

 

[Truth]

All I can say is woooowwwwwww

Sent from my SGH-T839 using SGH-T839

 

[FearlessNik]

sweetnik_JA Thanks for sharing that story. I highly doubt that we will go on for that long. As far as why continue: he's convenient, comfortable, we get along, and I know all his business already.*

Danibeeja_gyal it's not about control. Though there was a sense of still wanting to be desired by someone.*

Immacami I feel what you are saying. But it won't be that bad. We've always spoken the truth to each other no matter what. And he knows I didn't say it out of spite, or to truly hurt his feelings.*

Tru4reele idk what the sex is like for him. We've never had that 'was it good for you' convo. He hasn't complained or asked for anything different so I'm assuming he's at least a little bit happy.*

LadyPaniolo so far nothing has changed. Tonight everything is as usual. Though I will ask if I hurt his feelings and try to make amends.*

 

[likewtr4chklit]

I really wish he wasn't your coworker. I never wanted a fb to have that much access to me.

 

[HauteHippie]

How did I miss this thread?!

I normally use the rules that Frizzy and Do_Si_dos mentioned (no multiquote on phone) and I've literally broken all of them with this ons guy except 2. Complications abound, so now we're making our own rules if we're going to start doing this again... we probably shouldn't... but the sex is unparalleled. And we probably should just be in a relationship, but...

And since my own situation is working out so well :roll eyes:, I'll offer a comment or question, rather: OP, you pretty much verbally castrated this guy, are you sure you want to do that? Sometimes the sting of hurting someone with your honest opinion is worse than hurting them out of momentary anger. It's a tougher bruise to heal.

ETA: Whew, tru4reele Thank you for that ray of hope!

Sent from my T-Mobile G2 using T-Mobile G2

 

[tarheelgurl]

Don't spend the night.
Do date other people or look around.
Don't let him start doing anything more than what he is doing now for you.
Once feelings are caught on either side of the equation either bounce or see if you are both on the same page and explore.

Good luck.
OT: Is it possible for me to become a contractor with no military experience?

 

[FearlessNik]

Well earlier this morning I asked him if I hurt his feelings. He said it stung a bit but he could understand my frustration. We've always kept it real with each other and said the good and the bad. I did pump his ego back up by texting and telling him things I do like about him.

likewtr4chklit what exactly do you mean? Like knowing what I'm doing at all times?

EtherealEnigma good luck to you. If you like it I love it. But what's stopping you two from being in a relationship? It's good to make your own rules too. I've spent too lo g trying to live by everyone else's standards and rules.

tarheelgurl yes it is. Before I came over I worked for Continental Airlines. Send me a PM with a summary of your work experience and I can help steer you in the right direction!

 

[Seeking8Rights]

Well earlier this morning I asked him if I hurt his feelings. He said it stung a bit but he could understand my frustration. We've always kept it real with each other and said the good and the bad. I did pump his ego back up by texting and telling him things I do like about him.

@likewtr4chklit what exactly do you mean? Like knowing what I'm doing at all times?

@EtherealEnigma good luck to you. If you like it I love it. But what's stopping you two from being in a relationship? It's good to make your own rules too. I've spent too lo g trying to live by everyone else's standards and rules.

@tarheelgurl yes it is. Before I came over I worked for Continental Airlines. Send me a PM with a summary of your work experience and I can help steer you in the right direction!

By texting him and telling him such, you have already crossed the whole purpose of FWB.

What does complimenting him have anything to do with having sex? There is no point and just adds a layer of emotionalism to the arrangement which is counterproductive to the mission.

I have exp with being in a FWB situation and yes the rules that were mentioned are good ones, however, the one that was overlooked was the expression of feelings. You have to be very compartmentalized to really pull off this type of arrangement and walk away still being friends. Telling the person what you admire or like about them is a no no.

Ya'll are "friends", Yes. But you don't need to give a flipping care about stroking his ego. The only thing you should be focusing on his stroking his paynus when your in need. Hanging with him often can also pose a threat to the arrangement, if you start acting like a couple.

I'm not going to go into specifics of my FWB relationship, but I will say that before agreeing to this arrangement, we communicated our boundaries and stuck with them. Rules were clearly defined and upheld. Violations where penalized. The FWB segment lasted for 3 years up until the point of me meeting DH and getting married. We will be friends now for going on 11 years and occasionally speak. For some reason he has yet to marry. *shrugs*

But anyway, good luck to you and keep us updated.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Well earlier this morning I asked him if I hurt his feelings. He said it stung a bit but he could understand my frustration. We've always kept it real with each other and said the good and the bad. I did pump his ego back up by texting and telling him things I do like about him.

@likewtr4chklit what exactly do you mean? Like knowing what I'm doing at all times?

!

That and being able to reach you by just coming up to your job since you both work together. Also because he has access to your coworkers and your superiors. That's what I thought when I first read your original post, you broke the first rule of FWB by messing with someone who is already close to you ("never sh!t where you eat").(Close to me means: Friends, neighbors, coworkers, and ex-boyfriends) Those situations have the potential for a lot of messiness. But by the time you made the first post you had already made up your mind. I was hoping he wouldn't show signs of attachment but it seems he already has.

Just prepare yourself for some messy stuff. Successful FWB arrangements also don't include arguments. Have yall started having petty arguments yet?? If so, it's time to go LOL
.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

By texting him and telling him such, you have already crossed the whole purpose of FWB.

What does complimenting him have anything to do with having sex? There is no point and just adds a layer of emotionalism to the arrangement which is counterproductive to the mission.

I have exp with being in a FWB situation and yes the rules that were mentioned are good ones, however, the one that was overlooked was the expression of feelings. You have to be very compartmentalized to really pull off this type of arrangement and walk away still being friends. Telling the person what you admire or like about them is a no no.

Ya'll are "friends", Yes. But you don't need to give a flipping care about stroking his ego. The only thing you should be focusing on his stroking his paynus when your in need. Hanging with him often can also pose a threat to the arrangement, if you start acting like a couple.

I'm not going to go into specifics of my FWB relationship, but I will say that before agreeing to this arrangement, we communicated our boundaries and stuck with them. Rules were clearly defined and upheld. Violations where penalized. The FWB segment lasted for 3 years up until the point of me meeting DH and getting married. We will be friends now for going on 11 years and occasionally speak. For some reason he has yet to marry. *shrugs*

But anyway, good luck to you and keep us updated.

^^^ this.

I'm still cool with some of my former fb's too.

 

[itismehmmkay]

He is relationship material. But I'm not looking for one right now. I just got out of an 11 year relationship/ marriage. This relationship is mostly for the coloring. Until he told me about the dream I had never thought of him that way.

How long have you been out of that relationship? Have you rebounded yet? Maybe this dude is your rebound. Man, PM me

 

[FearlessNik]

No we haven't had any arguments. Even before this we never did. There's nothing to argue about really. I've been out of my relationship for 6 months. Yes he's the rebound/ temporary replacement. He knows this and it suits the situation.