*Spinoff* "The Rules Challenge!--"Rules" girls get in here!

[HomesteaderDreams]

They work! I love the book. Also, I love "why men love *****es." I just have a hard time following the rules. I am married now, but I still go back and look at the "married" chapter, which is useless. Still, I keep going back thinking it may help me. The rest of the book is great.

 

[sweetvi]

Hmm are people still using this?

 

[Sarophina]

Bumping

 

[ThePerfectScore]

I wish I had The Rules a year ago. If I had known about this book back then, I'm 100% sure my love life in 2013 would be completely different and better.

Anyway so I did a short recap of my relationship issues of last year + a review on all 3 Rules books. http://youtu.be/CJaSyJt4I1E

I plan on joining Match.com in March (After my birthday and Valentine's day. Removes the pressure if I wait until then, plus it gives me time to focus on me.)

Following the Rules is a part of my game plan for 2014.

[*]Dating and Love:
MuseofTroy mentioned "The Rules" in a post. This simple post spearheaded a revolutionary change in my approach to dating and self-esteem. In April 2012, I broke things off with the guy I had been dating off and on since I was 18. He was the subject of many a post and blogs on LHCF. Such young dumb dysfunction. That whole relationship was insanity. Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. There were things in that relationship I wish I could have done differently, but being with him, thinking about him turned me into that girl... not the "That Girl" of this post, but a crazy psycho Stage 5 Clinger. Getting into online fights over him with women I didn't even know. Never met in real life. Just basically showing my arse in the e*streets without a committed relationship to show for it.

I love the idea of "The Rules". There are some aspects of the books where I just , but I suggest everyone read the books! (Except the online dating one. That one is so out-dated, it's not even relevant. Everything you need to know is covered in "Not Your Mother's Rules", but I'm actually enjoying "All The Rules" the most. I just got finished "The Rules I" portion.

It's all about dating with boundaries. Not chasing a man. Having self-respect. To realize that "You're a Creature Unlike Any Other" (their term). "A Rules Girl" (their term) is basically "That Girl". There are some great principals in that book. It basically says Do you. Don't try so damn hard. The right man will quench your thirst without you having to be so dehydrated.(Paraphrasing- actually I feel like if they just let me re-write the book it would sell more copies.)

 

[Sarophina]

Welcome ThePerfectScore! , I am definitely down for doing the rules wholeheartedly this year.
My plan is to look my best and socialize more. I would like to lose 10-15 pounds, so that I may fully be at my best. I also plan to, as the book suggests, get out there! I am kind of a homebody, I love being at home when I have a day off. So, I am learning to get out more!
I also love the new book better, because they are more flexible. I think the original rules are so rigid, because they knew we would stray a tad from them. I plan to follow all the rules, except not returning phone calls, that's just rude.

Yay for a new year and a fresh start at love!

 

[TRUKARISMA]

bumping ..anyone still following the rules?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I wish I had The Rules a year ago. If I had known about this book back then, I'm 100% sure my love life in 2013 would be completely different and better.

Anyway so I did a short recap of my relationship issues of last year + a review on all 3 Rules books. http://youtu.be/CJaSyJt4I1E

I plan on joining Match.com in March (After my birthday and Valentine's day. Removes the pressure if I wait until then, plus it gives me time to focus on me.)

Following the Rules is a part of my game plan for 2014.

ThePerfectScore
Girl.....who are YOU telling???

I plan to implement The Rules in my life even more this year as well. I've always been following The Rules ever since I read the book years ago, but I think I got kind of lax with it.

Welcome @ThePerfectScore! , I am definitely down for doing the rules wholeheartedly this year.
My plan is to look my best and socialize more. I would like to lose 10-15 pounds, so that I may fully be at my best. I also plan to, as the book suggests, get out there! I am kind of a homebody, I love being at home when I have a day off. So, I am learning to get out more!

I also love the new book better, because they are more flexible. I think the original rules are so rigid, because they knew we would stray a tad from them. I plan to follow all the rules, except not returning phone calls, that's just rude.

Yay for a new year and a fresh start at love!

Yea I like the new book a little better too. It's definitely more equipped to the changing life of today. Technology has changed a LOT since the old book was written.

Did they REALLY say don't return phone calls in the old book? I thought that was only if the person called after a certain time. I thought you could get back to the person or call the guy back when it was convenient to you. Not NEVER pick up/return phone calls.

Let me go pick up my old book again!

bumping ..anyone still following the rules?

TRUKARISMA

Yep!!!!

I like the newer book a little better since it is a little more flexible.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

ThePerfectScore
Girl.....who are YOU telling???

I plan to implement The Rules in my life even more this year as well. I've always been following The Rules ever since I read the book years ago, but I think I got kind of lax with it.






Yea I like the new book a little better too. It's definitely more equipped to the changing life of today. Technology has changed a LOT since the old book was written.

Did they REALLY say don't return phone calls in the old book? I thought that was only if the person called after a certain time. I thought you could get back to the person or call the guy back when it was convenient to you. Not NEVER pick up/return phone calls.

Let me go pick up my old book again!






TRUKARISMA

Yep!!!!

I like the newer book a little better since it is a little more flexible.

If I remember correctly, I did a crash course reading session of all their books so the details might be a little fuzzy, but I believe for the 1st attempted contact from the guy women should wait a min of 4 hours ideally 24 hours to return his call, text, email, whatever.

Then after that, my interpretation is that you should answer the texts and calls sporadically. Change up the length of time in between responses. For example...

He might text you right after meeting you.

You wait and text him back the next day.

He calls you the following day while you're at work. You wait until after your work day is over to give him a buzz back.

He texts you while your out grocery shopping with your kids. You text him back in 30 minutes.

He calls you and all you're doing is watching old Real Housewives of Atlanta reruns. You answer when his call immediately

He texts you while you're waiting for your ice latte at Starbucks, you text him back in 5 mins.

The key is to not drop everything and respond back immediately every single time he contacts you. Plus you can't follow the timetable in the "Not your Mother's Rules" book to a T anyway, or you'd look like a psycho. Like think about it if you only return his calls after 4 hours every time like clock work, it's going to be obvious you're playing games and don't have social skills.

Also do not get trapped into Long text-fests and hour long phone calls. If he wants to get to know you he has to take the initiative to get to know you in person. Keep phone calls to 10 minutes or less. Don't show all your cards at once. Save something to talk about on dates. also face to face interaction is beneficial because most human communication is non-verbal. You can see how sincere he is. It's like playing poker, you can read his tells. It's harder to hide the real you when you're looking someone in the eye.

Over the phone or computer you can be anyone you want. It provides a false sense of security, just like the Wizard of Oz behind the screen.

Also Friday -- Sunday are the weekend black outs where you do not respond to a guy at all. This prevents you from being his date night plan C. If he really wanted to take you out The Rules way is that he will give you advance notice, taking into consideration that you have a life and probably will already make plans.

A guy has to ask you out by Wednesday for a Saturday night date. Saturday night is date night.

The first date can be any day of the week. But all subsequent dates should be Saturdays. This also ensures that he's not cheating. Most people in relationships reserve Saturdays for their top woman. It's a day when most people are off of work relaxed and have the most free time.

If a guy is asking you out during the week he can easily tell his woman that he's working late....


Now of course all these "Rules" have to be taken with a grain of salt. People have various schedule conflicts, events and shows might occur on non-date nights. You have to have flexibility. But the key is to make a guy respect your time and the fact that you have a full and flourishing life outside of him. You can't just drop whatever it is you're doing because he just so happened to pencil you in on his schedule.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kate-bailey/2013/12/10-old-fashioned-dating-habits-we-should-make-cool-again/

10 Old Fashioned Dating Habits We Should Make Cool Again
DEC. 4, 2013 By KATE BAILEY info
1. Coming to the door to pick someone up.
I think we’ve all had it with the incredibly unromantic “here” text, and meeting up always seems to be more casual and platonic than the alternative. Of course, meeting someone from online or any circumstance like that would probably be the exception to this rule, but generally: the 30 seconds it takes to get out of a car or cab and knock on the door makes a huge difference.

2. Trying to dress really nicely for a date.
“Nicely” means different things for different people, so I think it’s just a matter of putting effort into how you put yourself together to go out with someone. It’s not about wearing suits and petticoats again, but just realizing that, whether or not we like to accept it, appearance does count for something, and we should do our best to make sure that our appearance says something about us, in whatever way we’d like it to.

3. Bringing flowers or other tokens of affection to the first date.
Now, many lucky ladies (and some men) I know get this regularly, and in fact, I have myself as well, but only ever with people I’d been dating for a while. I think there’s something to be said for bringing flowers to the door on your first date. It’s become uncool because it’s forward and it’s a gesture that confirms their interest, but we should definitely get past that idea and worry more about how we’re going to let someone know we really do care and appreciate that they want to spend time with us.

4. Going dancing that’s not grinding on a grimy club floor.
Whatever happened to this? Dancing for the sake of dancing, like fun, not essentially sex on a dance floor dancing. What’s a better way to literally shake off nerves than seeing them bust a really dorky move on a dance floor? And the art of slow dancing has generally been lost, though I’ve been one to do it in my living room with my slightly coerced significant other, and I’ll tell you he’s said on numerous occasions it ended up being one of the most romantic nights we had together.

5. Straightforwardly asking someone out and not calling it “hanging out.”
Or, as is very popular these days, “talking.” “Oh, we’re just… talking.” As in, seeing one another and speaking frequently as to get to know each other? So… dating? We’ve found these really convenient ways to skirt around the issue of having to put our hearts on the line, but honestly, it just ends up being messy and confusing for all parties involved. There’s no need to go back to the idea of courting or anything, unless you want to, but simply being direct about whether or not you’d like to go on a date with someone is a truly lost art, one that really shouldn’t be.

6. Additionally, being clear about when you’re “going steady.”
Oh, the awkward, “so… are we… you know… what are we?” talk. Classic. We should go back to asking one another if the other person would like to “go steady” or something. There’s something about asking them if they’d like to rather than assuming that you are or aren’t anything that’s just very cute, in my opinion.

7. Romantic gestures like writing poems.
Writing poems may not be for you, I know mine would look something like “Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate poetry but I love you.” I literally just made that up thank you please quote me when you inevitably post that gem on Tumblr. But seriously, like a handwritten letter in the mail or just surprising them with something you made even if it looks like the macaroni necklace you made when you were 5 is cute just because you tried and were thinking of them.

8. Turning electronics off and just being with one another.
I’m not sure there is anything worse than the person who picks up their phone and starts staring at it in the middle of dinner, or at any point while you’re together and having a conversation. I’m not anti-technology here (hello, I work for the Internet) but I am saying that there comes a time to turn it off and disconnect and remember what actually matters. People.

9. The general concept of asking permission for things.
It used to be principle for people to say: oh, when can I see you? Or, when could I call you? Rather than just assuming they can at any point. But I think that old concept could be applied to our modern world by just assuming that, unless told otherwise, you should ask permission to you know, touch them anywhere, take them out, call them at a certain time, etc. Once you’re in a relationship these things usually don’t require asking anymore, but some do, especially when it comes to sexuality. I once knew a person who said that they asked permission before so much as touching a girl’s thigh, and that always stuck with me.

10. Not assuming sex is to be had at any point in time.
Now, I’m certainly not saying it should go back to being a taboo that’s unspoken of, but we certainly shouldn’t expect it from someone on the third date, on the first date, because they’re being flirty, because you know they’re into you, or even because they agreed to go out with you. A date does not have to be a precursor to sex, and you shouldn’t be disappointed if it isn’t because you should never assume that it will be. It depends on the person you’re with and what they want to do.

As a Rules woman I totally agree with the list! I hate all the ambiguity in this casual-sex hook up culture we live in! I totally agree with everything posted. These 10 old fashion dating habits allow people to get to know each other without pressure of sex or moving too fast plus it makes sure everyone involved is 100% sure about where they stand with the other person. That's the ultimate honesty in a relationship- Not playing games!

 

[CarLiTa]

I'm reading random threads to pass the time and stumbled upon these last posts. What is this about every subsequent date being on Saturday?? there's only ONE Saturday per week!!

This is so bogus and a silly barrier to actually getting close to someone Because what if you enjoy each other's company so much that you want to see each other much more frequently than that?

My last relationships have all been with men I went on several dates with within a very short timeframe. I think it's less about the spacing of the date than what you talk about and do on those dates. So in that sense, I think the rules have it all wrong. They're really going for that law of scarcity, make him miss you stuff. But how is a man supposed to get close enough to you to want to be in a relationship with you if he doesn't actually get to see nor talk to you? Totally backwards, in my opinion.

/3 cents

 

[ThePerfectScore]

I'm reading random threads to pass the time and stumbled upon these last posts. What is this about every subsequent date being on Saturday?? there's only ONE Saturday per week!!

This is so bogus and a silly barrier to actually getting close to someone Because what if you enjoy each other's company so much that you want to see each other much more frequently than that?

My last relationships have all been with men I went on several dates with within a very short timeframe. I think it's less about the spacing of the date than what you talk about and do on those dates. So in that sense, I think the rules have it all wrong. They're really going for that law of scarcity, make him miss you stuff. But how is a man supposed to get close enough to you to want to be in a relationship with you if he doesn't actually get to see nor talk to you? Totally backwards, in my opinion.

/3 cents

Seeing someone constantly when you're first getting to know them leads to the burn out effect. Sure it's all fun when the man is still infatuated with you, but there's something to be said about leaving him wanting more. Scarcity is a solid principal to make people want something--think about it-- limited edition Jordans, Christmas comes once a year, the regulate diamonds production in this way so they are viewed as precious and rare. It gives the man something to look forward to. The anticipation of something you want can be more satisfying that actually getting it. People can easily take people for granted when they are always around.

Plus if you're spending all your time going out, hanging out, etc with a new guy you're probably going to alienate your friends and family. Don't let a guy occupy all your time without him earning it, especially in the beginning. So often woman have their whole lives revolve around the new guy they are dating. Often the guy feels crowded and the friends feel ignored.

Plus too later on in the relationship seeing a man all the time multiple days a week can lead to the "almost moved in syndrome" (term I coined from experience) where you're spending so much time at each other's places you hardly ever see your own home.

It starts with you coming over every other day. Then you get lazy with the back and forth driving to and from your house, so then you spend the night one night. One night turns into two. Then next thing you know you're waking up every morning getting dressed for work at his place. You've craved out closet space, a drawer in the dresser, and you are making requests about which brand of toilet paper he should buy.

The rules are very clear--- if a man wants to see you everyday then he has to marry you. That's the only way he gets that privilege.

Do you see your friends every single day? Maybe yes, maybe no, but you were still able to forge a strong relationship and get to know each other. I don't think you have to have a crash course in getting to know someone. They can get to know you just fine seeing you one or twice a week.

That being said, do what works best for your relationship. But they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So if what your currently doing doesn't seem to make the guys stay and commit it's only fair to try another approach and see what happens.

There's not just 1 right approach. It's an art not a science.

 

[CarLiTa]

But this seems to be all in the perspective of someone who's not that into you... A man who gets burned out of being around isn't worth being in a relationship with, because a relationship, the more serious it gets, will likely entail seeing each other quite a bit.

And the moved in effect... That's why I said it matters what happens on the dates. If it is hanging out at each other's place, that's one thing. If it is going out and seeing how the other person interacts in various situations, that's completely different. I personally believe the early dates should be spent doing a lot of talking anyway...

I agree with you that there's no one way, and that women shouldn't give up their lives. I think that is probably hard to do when a woman actually HAS a life that she is proud of, though. If she is looking for a man to rescue her from her current life, I can see how she would be eager to jump ship the second a man shows her something different.

My view is that if a man thrives on the principle of scarcity, then maybe that's a good approach to put on him. But will you actually know each other enough to know that you're compatible? Or are you supposed to somehow sustain interest in each other with just an idea of who the other person is? Because that's how the Rules read to me after a while. That's not really a foundation for real intimacy, in my opinion.

With that said, I think the rules gives good basic advice. I especially remember the one about not dating a guy who doesn't give you a gift for your birthday or Valentine's day. Totally true. It also gives good advice, in principle, about maintaining one's own life. But I think the way it goes about it is game like and not authentic and not sustainable.

From what I recall it doesn't talk about what it actually takes to get a relationship off the ground in a meaningful way. It is very surface. In my world, many of the people in relationships were not working off a formula to get each other. They met, had conversations, determined they were interested, and kept meeting and or talking as much as possible. They were both ready and emotionally available, which I think is key.

Putting the rules to work on every man who asks a woman out on date, especially the guys who turn out not to even be emotionally available is a recipe for frustration. I've been there. I learned that you cannot Rules someone into being genuinely interested. That has to happen independent and ideally before this whole scheme.

These are just opinions, of course.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

CarLiTa the rules are overly strict for a reason b/c I think the authors knew to make room for human error. I highly doubt people are following the rules 100% because we're humans and not robots. I think The Rules are more so a guide for the stage 5 clinger woman who plans her wedding the moment she gives her number to a guy. This is a wake up call to women to stop being so thirsty!

A normal woman can read The Rules and pull from it aspects of things she needs to incorporate into her life or confirmation of things she is doing well with men.

The rules are not about being disingenuous with a guy you met. It's about revealing who you are slowly. It's the process of vetting before you put all your cards on the table. So often women give a man everything right up front without him earning anything.

Take the example of a job interview--- you wouldn't go into a job interview and straight off the bat reveal to them everything you did wrong at your last job. A lot of women approach dating like that. They reveal in explicit details on the first few dates everything that went wrong in their last relationship, and how their childhood traumas affected them, and how they are afraid they will never find a good man because their mama and grandmama married men who constantly cheated on them, and all their ex-boyfriends cheated on her, and she can't have children because she has a tilted uterus, etc. You'd be surprised what crazy stuff women reveal to men in the first month of dating.

Just like the first interview with a company is a time for both you and the interviewer to put your best foot forward. The company wouldn't reveal to you during the interview process that they pay their employees $10K under market value, the CFO has been accused of sexual harassment, or the woman who puts out the bagels in the break room never washes her hands. I'm pretty sure guys in the first few months of dating are spitting game and putting their best foot forward too. They aren't revealing every undesirable aspects of themselves straight off the bat. I'm sure he's not going to say that he still lives at home with his mama, ain't paid child support in 3 years, and when he said he was a CEO he meant Crazy Ex-Offender (aka Ex Con).)

The Rules are like an interview guide book, they tell you that best things to wear, help you do research on the company to decide if their philosophy matches up with yours, if there's the right career trajectory for advancement, if you'll fit into the company culture, etc. In terms of online dating, The Rules are essentially like resume writers. You may have all the qualities a company is looking for, but your resume might be poorly worded or formatted, so you don't even get through the first gate-keeper.

You wouldn't go into an interview unprepared, so you shouldn't go into dating unprepared.

The Rules provides guidelines on how to better present yourself so someone will even give you a chance to interview.

Just like getting hired for a new job, it has to be mutually beneficial for both of you. Just because a company presents you with an offer doesn't mean you have to accept it. Just like the company has their list of basic and preferred qualifications for a candidate, you have your list of needs: compensation and benefit, responsibilities, working hours, commute time, etc.

Just like there's a negotiation process before accepting a job, there's a negotiation process before accepting a boyfriend, fiancé, and ultimately a husband.

HAHA idk if you can tell I work in HR based on my example used. I'm in work-mode on a break as I write this.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@CarLiTa the rules are overly strict for a reason b/c I think the authors knew to make room for human error. I highly doubt people are following the rules 100% because we're humans and not robots. I think The Rules are more so a guide for the stage 5 clinger woman who plans her wedding the moment she gives her number to a guy. This is a wake up call to women to stop being so thirsty!

A normal woman can read The Rules and pull from it aspects of things she needs to incorporate into her life or confirmation of things she is doing well with men.

The rules are not about being disingenuous with a guy you met. It's about revealing who you are slowly. It's the process of vetting before you put all your cards on the table. So often women give a man everything right up front without him earning anything.

Take the example of a job interview--- you wouldn't go into a job interview and straight off the bat reveal to them everything you did wrong at your last job. A lot of women approach dating like that. They reveal in explicit details on the first few dates everything that went wrong in their last relationship, and how their childhood traumas affected them, and how they are afraid they will never find a good man because their mama and grandmama married men who constantly cheated on them, and all their ex-boyfriends cheated on her, and she can't have children because she has a tilted uterus, etc. You'd be surprised what crazy stuff women reveal to men in the first month of dating.

Just like the first interview with a company is a time for both you and the interviewer to put your best foot forward. The company wouldn't reveal to you during the interview process that they pay their employees $10K under market value, the CFO has been accused of sexual harassment, or the woman who puts out the bagels in the break room never washes her hands. I'm pretty sure guys in the first few months of dating are spitting game and putting their best foot forward too. They aren't revealing every undesirable aspects of themselves straight off the bat. I'm sure he's not going to say that he still lives at home with his mama, ain't paid child support in 3 years, and when he said he was a CEO he meant Crazy Ex-Offender (aka Ex Con).)

The Rules are like an interview guide book, they tell you that best things to wear, help you do research on the company to decide if their philosophy matches up with yours, if there's the right career trajectory for advancement, if you'll fit into the company culture, etc. In terms of online dating, The Rules are essentially like resume writers. You may have all the qualities a company is looking for, but your resume might be poorly worded or formatted, so you don't even get through the first gate-keeper.

You wouldn't go into an interview unprepared, so you shouldn't go into dating unprepared.

The Rules provides guidelines on how to better present yourself so someone will even give you a chance to interview.

Just like getting hired for a new job, it has to be mutually beneficial for both of you. Just because a company presents you with an offer doesn't mean you have to accept it. Just like the company has their list of basic and preferred qualifications for a candidate, you have your list of needs: compensation and benefit, responsibilities, working hours, commute time, etc.

Just like there's a negotiation process before accepting a job, there's a negotiation process before accepting a boyfriend, fiancé, and ultimately a husband.

HAHA idk if you can tell I work in HR based on my example used. I'm in work-mode on a break as I write this.

Woooooooo!!!! The bell has rung...school is in SESSION! @ThePerfectScore is preaching and teaching up in here!!


PREACH it girl!! lol! I may have started this thread, but you've definitely enhanced it.

I couldn't have worded it better myself.

Men are NOT women.... They have a totally different mind-set from women. Not better, not worse...just DIFFERENT. I think the authors of "The Rules" acknowledge that.

Now, of course, there ARE some things that are a tad outdated lol...(who listens to their answering machine at home anymore? lol ) BUT, I think their newest book is perfect and right on point.

PS--Oh, and I LOVED your Job/Interview analogy!!!

 

[ThePerfectScore]

Crystalicequeen123 Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!


To be honest, I'm having a That Girl crisis. I just joined Match.com, and I've come across some guys who line up perfectly with what I want in a guy. The problem--- THE RULES say I cannot message them first. Which I'd be fine with... if they were messaging me.


I guess I shouldn't freak out about it. It's only been 24 hours since I've been on the site, but I have a really hard time being passive, but I completely understand the logic behind The Rule of not making the first move.


Alas.....

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Crystalicequeen123 Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!


To be honest, I'm having a That Girl crisis. I just joined Match.com, and I've come across some guys who line up perfectly with what I want in a guy. The problem--- THE RULES say I cannot message them first. Which I'd be fine with... if they were messaging me.


I guess I shouldn't freak out about it. It's only been 24 hours since I've been on the site, but I have a really hard time being passive, but I completely understand the logic behind The Rule of not making the first move.


Alas.....

ThePerfectScore
Don't do it girl!!! Don't do it!

I agree somewhat with the rules....just make sure your profile picture is awesome, and that your profile reads like something a MAN would want to get to know. You have to think like a man lol.

I don't have any experience with online dating, but I think that as long as you're doing these things, then you will be getting hits in NO time!

Trust me....somebody will look at your profile. Plus, it's only been a day lol! If it had been a month, then maybe I would worry....but a day???? Girrrrl!!!

 

[SincerelyJane]

@Crystalicequeen123 Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!


To be honest, I'm having a That Girl crisis. I just joined Match.com, and I've come across some guys who line up perfectly with what I want in a guy. The problem--- THE RULES say I cannot message them first. Which I'd be fine with... if they were messaging me.


I guess I shouldn't freak out about it. It's only been 24 hours since I've been on the site, but I have a really hard time being passive, but I completely understand the logic behind The Rule of not making the first move.


Alas.....

Patience is a virtue for a reason

Sometimes these books are really good, my only thing is that they don't always engender the most sincere relationships. A big thing is kinda just letting men fall in love with the idea of you, as opposed to YOU. You don't have to say much.

There are two books that I read last year and I put into play with a certain young man. Both were books I found out about on LHCF. One was Margaret Kent "How to Marry the Man of Your Choice" The other was Patricia Allen "Getting to I Do: The Secret to Doing Relationships Right"

If you are open and available to a long term relationship I HIGHLY recommend those two books. They work well, almost too well.

 

[ladysaraii]

Patience is a virtue for a reason

Sometimes these books are really good, my only thing is that they don't always engender the most sincere relationships. A big thing is kinda just letting men fall in love with the idea of you, as opposed to YOU. You don't have to say much.

There are two books that I read last year and I put into play with a certain young man. Both were books I found out about on LHCF. One was Margaret Kent "How to Marry the Man of Your Choice" The other was Patricia Allen "Getting to I Do: The Secret to Doing Relationships Right"

If you are open and available to a long term relationship I HIGHLY recommend those two books. They work well, almost too well.

I have these and love them both as well. They both have a couple of concepts that I don't agree with (for ex the not requiring him to wear a condom in Kent's book. Nah son), but overall it gave a lot of good practical info and steps.

I think The Rules are great, I recommend them to anyone. However, I do think it is a book that has to be paired with something else for best results. The Rules gives a good framework and the other resources (HTMTMoYC, GTID, WMLB) fills it in.

ETA: The only thing I hate about some of these books is that they have some of the worst titles!

 

[ThePerfectScore]

TUESDAY, 2/18/2014 AT 4:00PM
5 Things You Should Probably Not Say on a First Date

by Ryan Serhant

As a general rule when meeting someone for the first time, you should never say anything to cast a negative shadow on your date’s first impression of you. First dates are by no means a time to lie, embellish or overzealously flatter oneself, but they're not a time to reveal too much either. Think of it this way: share the positives while simultaneously maintaining a level of intrigue and mystery.

That said, you might be curious what types of things you should keep to yourself. Here are five statements I think you should avoid on a first date:

“I have a third date rule.” Every girl goes into a date with some preconceived idea of how physical she's likely to get. That's fine. But as a man who is likely just trying to get to know you better, it’s best not to assume that I'm just trying to take you home. Think "show, not tell" when it comes to conveying what you're looking for. He'll get the impression you don't want a one-night stand when you don't go home with him.

“I want kids.” Most people, at some point in their lives, want to start a family. I get it—maybe you're at a point where you want to start one sooner than later. Still, it's not something that needs to be said at the dinner table on a first meeting. I want to get to know you and learn about your life and ambitions first before hearing about whether or not you want to have my children.

“My boyfriend just broke up with me.” Do I feel bad for you? Sure. Do I want to hear all about it? Not really. A new guy doesn't want to hear details about the man who came before him (or what went wrong in your relationship). So if you're not ready to date without bringing up your ex, just wait a bit longer before you make plans.

“I don’t drink, I’m in AA.” I highly respect those who take the initiative to work on their issues in life. That said, it can be uncomfortable talking about something like this right off the bat. Save this for a 4th or 5th date once you’ve solidified a connection.

“I’m high-maintenance.” If you are the type of girl to say this in the first place, then yes, you probably are high-maintenance. The problem is that most guys aren't looking for a girl who is.

What do you think? Agree or disagree? Anything else you think should be off limits?

Ryan Serhant is our resident guide to guys. In addition to living and dating in NYC, he's a cast member of Bravo's Million Dollar Listing New York and a Broker at Nestseekers. View all of Ryan's posts.

Photos: Getty Images

 

[LiftedUp]

Hi ladies, I'm doing "the rules" and haven't actually read the book as yet. It's on my to do list once I get up-to-date with my school reading.

Can someone please, please give me a quick run through of "How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3". Please. Thank you

 

[LiftedUp]

“I’m high-maintenance.” If you are the type of girl to say this in the first place, then yes, you probably are high-maintenance. The problem is that most guys aren't looking for a girl who is.

I don't think a true high-maintenance girl need to say this. A man would probably pick this up before he even asked you out. So the fact that he did, says, to me, that it isn't an issue. However, saying "I'm high maintenance" says, that it may become an issue.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

Hi ladies,

I'm watching my DVR'ed episode of Bethenny. I truly believe in The Rules. I feel a whole lot more relaxed when it comes to dating. I don't think a TV talk show set up is the best setting to showcase the rules because the format of the show is to get audience interaction and a debate. Shows like this are made to frame The Rules as archaic feminist propaganda without fulling putting it into context.

*My Dating Update*

I love how being a rules girl means I'm never left in the dark about how the guy feels. I've gone on a few dates with this guy, and he let me know soon after our first date that he's really interested in me. In fact he texts me good morning every day and is always asking when he can see me again.

I've been following The Rules with him, but I'm not quite sure if I like him or if I like having Rulesy interactions with the opposite sex. My dating habits before: I would drop anything and everything if a guy called, texted, or wanted to see me. My schedule was always flexible and open, and I was practically begging for an iota of attention. But since going on this Rules Journey in December 2013, I'm filling up my social calendar by spending time with my family and friends. I feel closer than ever to my girlfriends, and have been spending quality time with them every weekend.

The guy I'm dating plans in advance and is always asking me out early in the week or immediately after our dates to plan the next date. I know the rules say "The first date can be any day of the week, and all subsequent dates should be Saturdays," but to be honest my Saturdays are the heart of my social calendar. My friends and family seem to only have free time on Saturdays. During the week it's nearly impossible to pin them down. I really don't want to give my precious Saturdays away to a guy I'm just starting to date and get to know.

This may be a red flag, but my question is can I keep setting up midweek dates with this guy as I sort out my feelings about him? Or maybe it's a case of I'm just not into him....

I really need to sort this out. In fact, the guy has mentioned on a few times that he's completely smitten by me and likes me 100% no doubt in his mind, but I seem to be on the fence about him.

Ugh... as I write this I think I'm coming to my own conclusion that I need to let him know that I'm not romantically interested in him, but gosh it feels so refreshing to be dating a gentleman with a great personality.

Now that I'm a Rules Girl and have broken my bad dating habits, my next goal on the road to self-improvement is to wait for a guy who gives me butterflies and makes me want to carve out space for him on my precious Saturdays.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@ThePerfectScore

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS girl on your new "Rules Relationship"!!!

Doesn't it feel WONDERFUL!??? I've been in a "Rulesy" relationship before in the past, and the difference was like NIGHT and DAY!! OMG!!! I'll never have it any other way from now on. I definitely want to be INTO the guy I'm dating, but at the same time, I want the guy to be a little more into me (or "smitten" ) than I am into him. I think it just makes for a smoother relationship, and I'm not as "anxious".


But what's this I hear?? You're not really into this dude?? How long have you two been dating? Could it just be that you're in the Uncertainty Stage? Are you at least attracted to him? What is it about him you don't like?

I need more details about this dilemma that you have before I can fully give my analysis lol.



Speaking of "dilemma's", I have a little one of my own lol

Recently, I've been reading Matthew Hussey's book "Get the Guy", and I honestly LOVE his book, and I've been having sooo many "aha!" moments from it. It's probably one of the best relationship books written by a man (made for women) that I've read in my life! What's my dilemma you say??

WELL....in his book, he actually ADVOCATES women talking to more men, or just being more SOCIABLE PERIOD. Honestly, I have to admit, the "Rules" way of "never talk to a man first", "never even LOOK at a man", etc just seems a little archaic to me. I mean, I'm still NOT an advocate of a woman chasing a man, but at the same time, I definitely AGREE with Matthew Hussey's advice of initiating small conversations with men that you meet. He doesn't say make it something long and drawn out or boring, but just a quick observation, maybe even a playful remark, etc. It draws men out like crazy!

I have to admit, 2 of my girl friends who are now married said that they spoke to, or playfully engaged their husbands FIRST when they met, and that led on to other things...including marriage. Their husbands are enamored with them btw. It's almost as if, they put themselves in their husbands line of sight and gave him the "opening" to pursue her, instead of just passively waiting, wishing, and hoping he would approach or make a move.

Matthew Hussey advocates "dropping your handkerchief" (ie. giving a guy the green light to approach or pursue you) by either smiling his way, striking up a conversation, asking him a question , complimenting or noticing something about him, etc. THEN you wait for the man (if he's interested) to pursue you. So, in other words...the MAN feels like he chose YOU, but in reality, YOU chose HIM!


I feel that with "The Rules", you are almost at the mercy of men who choose YOU, and 9 times out of 10, most of the men who have approached ME first, I haven't been interested in enough to make it LONG-term. I want someone that I'm mutually attracted to as well!

So....my dilemma is, do I STRICTLY follow the rules? Or should I try some of Matthew's advice and be more OPEN around guys (or people in general)? I've always been so much more Rulesy around guys that I'm interested in, but I have noticed over the years that the guys that I'm just myself with (talk to first, playful, relaxed, not afraid to banter back and forth with him, etc) end up liking me!!!! But I just see them as FRIENDS and that's why I'm so relaxed around them! It's a horrible domino effect.

But I'm REALLY interested in trying out some of Matthew's tips.

Tell me, what do you think??

 

[ThePerfectScore]

Doesn't it feel WONDERFUL!??? I've been in a "Rulesy" relationship before in the past, and the difference was like NIGHT and DAY!! OMG!!! I'll never have it any other way from now on. I definitely want to be INTO the guy I'm dating, but at the same time, I want the guy to be a little more into me (or "smitten" ) than I am into him. I think it just makes for a smoother relationship, and I'm not as "anxious".

Yes!!! Never again will I be left out in the dark and in the fog when it comes to my relationships. I'm actually learning a lot about men when I talk to this guy. He is very candid and open.

He told me that he likes me. And with guys they know who they like within 5 mins of meeting, and that for guys sexual and physical attraction is instant. They either want you or they don't.

He said some very revealing things about me:

He said, "So you're single. What's the problem?"
then the waiter came and distracted us.... then my dumb *** literally forgot what we were talking about before, so when the waiter left I asked, "What were we talking about?" And he asked it again. So I said, "Fuq, I was trying to avoid that question."
So I said a RULES answer when he asked it again, "I don't know. I've never thought bout it."

So he said, "There's a problem, but I'm not saying it's a bad thing on your part, but you're attractive, intelligent, put together, successful, mature, and you're single. There's a problem somewhere. I'm not saying it's with you, but probably with the men.
then he lists that I'm probably attracting men who are not a good fit b/c of my body. Men look at me and think they are getting a certain thing but then I open my mouth and it's a completely different ball game because I'm really smart... yadda yadda."
Then he said, "And I bet you're not attractive to the guys your age."
then he said I wouldn't have been ready for you in my 20s...
heck not even in my early 30s...
I'm just now at the age where I'm you're my speed.

But what's this I hear?? You're not really into this dude?? How long have you two been dating? Could it just be that you're in the Uncertainty Stage? Are you at least attracted to him? What is it about him you don't like? I need more details about this dilemma that you have before I can fully give my analysis lol.

So this guy is 38... I'm 25. But he looks 48.... but he's white and I know they age faster...

So I wouldn't say I'm physically attracted to him... but I do like his personality- A lot. And I think his personality could win me over, but he's not someone I'd call cute or fine...

I know it's not shallow to be physically attracted to someone, so I'm not apologizing for it, but I think if he was younger and more what I'd deem as cute, I'd be all over it and totally smitten to.

He's stable in his career. Works as a lawyer for social security. Former military, so he's set to retire in 10 years---

Has one 7 year old daughter. Seems to be a devote father and on good terms with his ex wife.

We've only gone on 3 dates, but lord knows he's tried to see me way more often than that, but I'm really busy and I sorta just want to sit at home, look like a slob, and read a book all night during the week, then hang out with my family and friends on the weekend. I sorta don't want to prance around and look pretty on a date with him, which leads me to believe I'm not really into him.

Here are our last few text msg

Date: 3/24/14

• HIM: So, want to try to meet up soon? 6:45 PM

Date: 3/25/14

• HIM: Just wanted to reach out again 12:13 PM
• Hey sorry 1:37 PM
  Me: I can't hang out this week. I'm not even going to pretend my schedule is flexible right now. 1:38 PM
• HIM: Ok 1:39 PM Wow busy woman 1:40 PM
• Me: Yeah its crazy....it's feast or famine with my schedule 1:40 PM
• Me: Last time I thought I was super woman and could fit everything into one day I was late as hell for our movie date. 1:41 PM
• HIM: I understand 1:45 PM
• HIM: Well I'd like to see you just let me know 1:58 PM
• HIM: And honestly if it's an issue where your not that interested in me just let me know 3:33 PM
• Me: I do enjoy your company. 5:24 PM
• HIM: Then let's make something happen 5:51 PM

Date: 3/27/14

• HIM: No word? 8:24 PM
• Me: The bird bird bird. Bird is the word! 10:18 PM
• Me: Im just getting home from a business dinner with my manager and coworker. How's your night? 10:18 PM

I feel sorta ratchet, and I wouldn't be surprise if he just gave up on trying. But I'm honestly not trying to blow him off, I'm just busy. I'm going to my friends work function tomorrow evening, then my aunt and grandma are in town. I can probably see him in April.

Speaking of "dilemma's", I have a little one of my own lol

Recently, I've been reading Matthew Hussey's book "Get the Guy", and I honestly LOVE his book, and I've been having sooo many "aha!" moments from it. It's probably one of the best relationship books written by a man (made for women) that I've read in my life! What's my dilemma you say??

WELL....in his book, he actually ADVOCATES women talking to more men, or just being more SOCIABLE PERIOD. Honestly, I have to admit, the "Rules" way of "never talk to a man first", "never even LOOK at a man", etc just seems a little archaic to me. I mean, I'm still NOT an advocate of a woman chasing a man, but at the same time, I definitely AGREE with Matthew Hussey's advice of initiating small conversations with men that you meet. He doesn't say make it something long and drawn out or boring, but just a quick observation, maybe even a playful remark, etc. It draws men out like crazy!

I have to admit, 2 of my girl friends who are now married said that they spoke to, or playfully engaged their husbands FIRST when they met, and that led on to other things...including marriage. Their husbands are enamored with them btw. It's almost as if, they put themselves in their husbands line of sight and gave him the "opening" to pursue her, instead of just passively waiting, wishing, and hoping he would approach or make a move.

Matthew Hussey advocates "dropping your handkerchief" (ie. giving a guy the green light to approach or pursue you) by either smiling his way, striking up a conversation, asking him a question , complimenting or noticing something about him, etc. THEN you wait for the man (if he's interested) to pursue you. So, in other words...the MAN feels like he chose YOU, but in reality, YOU chose HIM!


I feel that with "The Rules", you are almost at the mercy of men who choose YOU, and 9 times out of 10, most of the men who have approached ME first, I haven't been interested in enough to make it LONG-term. I want someone that I'm mutually attracted to as well!

So....my dilemma is, do I STRICTLY follow the rules? Or should I try some of Matthew's advice and be more OPEN around guys (or people in general)? I've always been so much more Rulesy around guys that I'm interested in, but I have noticed over the years that the guys that I'm just myself with (talk to first, playful, relaxed, not afraid to banter back and forth with him, etc) end up liking me!!!! But I just see them as FRIENDS and that's why I'm so relaxed around them! It's a horrible domino effect.

But I'm REALLY interested in trying out some of Matthew's tips.

Tell me, what do you think??

Crystalicequeen123 Oh I'll have to get that book. Last week I finished "He's just not that into you." and their sequel book "It's called a break up because their broken." Really they could have summed up both books into an article in a magazine, but there were good points.

About Matthew's tips, I totally think he's right on the money! BUT that being said, I've decided to adopt the rules for a year to see if they really work, i.e. being passive and not approach a guy. But to be honest it seems like the guys who approach me and flirt with me are soooooo not on my level or are married erplexed. It's crazy how bold married men are. I hate that mess. I am no Olivia Pope!!!!

But I do think women need to give a green light to men by looking approachable and available. The guy I'm dating now flat out told me that I'm intimidating to men. And I know Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider say that you don't want to be with a man who is intimidated by you and even the geekiest of geeks can muster up the courage to pursue the woman they want, but honestly I do think some men need a kick in the pants. I think you can let a guy know you're available without making the first move by your body language. Looking relaxed and happy, smiling, not crossing your legs or folding your arms. But I'm going to be honest I tend to be attracted to men who are the class clowns or the life of the party, so they are using working the room and talking to the crowd just by their very nature, so if I'm around someone like that I engage in witty banter with them.

Honestly, I think the key is just to not be thirsty and don't chase a man. Don't be like Samantha on SATC where she's overly aggressive and sexual, but also don't be a Miranda thats closed off and mean.

Honestly all of this is an art not a science. And who's to say Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider are even romantically happy? Didn't they both get divorces?

All things in moderation.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Yes!!! Never again will I be left out in the dark and in the fog when it comes to my relationships. I'm actually learning a lot about men when I talk to this guy. He is very candid and open.

@ThePerfectScore


Okaaaayyy????? Now that I have "seen the light", I will NOT expect any LESS.

He told me that he likes me. And with guys they know who they like within 5 mins of meeting, and that for guys sexual and physical attraction is instant. They either want you or they don't.

He said some very revealing things about me:

He said, "So you're single. What's the problem?"
then the waiter came and distracted us.... then my dumb *** literally forgot what we were talking about before, so when the waiter left I asked, "What were we talking about?" And he asked it again. So I said, "Fuq, I was trying to avoid that question."
So I said a RULES answer when he asked it again, "I don't know. I've never thought bout it."

So he said, "There's a problem, but I'm not saying it's a bad thing on your part, but you're attractive, intelligent, put together, successful, mature, and you're single. There's a problem somewhere. I'm not saying it's with you, but probably with the men.
then he lists that I'm probably attracting men who are not a good fit b/c of my body. Men look at me and think they are getting a certain thing but then I open my mouth and it's a completely different ball game because I'm really smart... yadda yadda."
Then he said, "And I bet you're not attractive to the guys your age."
then he said I wouldn't have been ready for you in my 20s...
heck not even in my early 30s...
I'm just now at the age where I'm you're my speed.

WOW!!! He sounds VERY candid, open, and honest. That's good. That's how my last rulesy relationship was as well. The guy was straight up honest about his feelings for me. There was no guessing, no hinting, no beating around the bush, no wondering, NONE of that. When he had the "green light" and got up his nerve, he was completely honest about his feelings. I appreciated that.

Some of the other guys I liked I was ALWAYS kept in the dark....ALWAYS guessing, always jumping through hoops, wondering....thinking he was "Shy".... , etc. GONE are those days!!

So this guy is 38... I'm 25. But he looks 48.... but he's white and I know they age faster...

Oh wow!!! lol! So he's older eh?? Well this makes things interesting....

Also, funny you mention it, my last Rulesy relationship (my ex) was with a white guy also. We were friends for years.. I had no idea he even liked me!!

Okay, so anyway..... it sounds like there's a bit of an age difference lol.... 13 years is quite significant...even though he's not "old". If you were in your 30's and he was 13 years older I prob wouldn't bat an eyelash, but since you're 25, and he's 38 (and LOOKS 48 erplexed), I can see you eventually becoming bored.


With THAT said, it seems like you like his personality a LOT. Don't take that for granted, because that can actually be a lot harder to find than most people realize. Idk about you, but I just like guys who are easy-going, easy to talk to, no drama, no bitterness or drama, just EASY. Fun, adventurous and somewhat playful are also pluses in my book. Sometimes you just "click" with someone. That's actually worth MORE to me than a guy that other people find "conventionally handsome". At the SAME TIME....if the thought of even kissing him repulses you, then by all means, don't try to force attraction where there is none.

But if you enjoy his company and are at least attracted to his personality, then by all means, continue to go out on dates with him. There has to be SOMETHING about him drawing you to a guy....whether it's his looks, the physical attraction, his personality, etc. I personally think it's still too soon to tell how you're feeling about him because you two have only been on 3 dates together. Remember, Men are like blowtorches, Women are like ovens.

Also, keep in mind too..... Based on my personal experience, every guy that I've been INSTANTLY attracted to from jump, has not always been the right guy for me. I've wanted it to work with a lot of guys who I was physically attracted to almost instantly, but some of those guys weren't the best for match for ME. So sometimes INSTANT physical attraction can be a little deceiving. Now, there's nothing wrong with finding a guy handsome or attractive from the get-go, and maybe being curious as to how things will pan out between the two of you. There's nothing wrong with that. But what I'm talking about is that I would be almost SMITTEN with the guy almost instantly, and now I take that as a red flag sign that I don't know the guy well enough to be THAT enamored with him. I've learned a lot over the years.

He's stable in his career. Works as a lawyer for social security. Former military, so he's set to retire in 10 years---

Hold up..... I'm sorry, but I stopped at the word "lawyer" lol... . I think I would give a lawyer another chance lol... But maybe that's just me hahaha. He seems stable in his career which is good. And he seems like a good father which is even better.

We've only gone on 3 dates, but lord knows he's tried to see me way more often than that, but I'm really busy and I sorta just want to sit at home, look like a slob, and read a book all night during the week, then hang out with my family and friends on the weekend. I sorta don't want to prance around and look pretty on a date with him, which leads me to believe I'm not really into him.

Hmmm...yeah, maybe that IS a sign that you're not THAT into him. erplexed I would give him at least one more date.... give it the old college try lol. See what happens. Have you two kissed yet??

Dang your last few text messages seem rulesy, but a little on the cold side lol.... Is this how you would respond to a guy that you're interested in?? Just curious...lol


It seems he can sort of sense your disinterest...because he mentioned something like: "if you're not interested, just let me know..." or something like that. I'm not saying shower him with attention, but if you DO at least like his personality, and he's treating you well, I would go on another date or two with him. Maybe next week would be nice. He seems like a nice guy. I was a little thrown off from the "what's the problem?" and single questions though. Was that the typical question guys ask: "why are you still single??" Ugh...I can't stand that question! Makes me think a guy is looking to find out what's wrong with a woman or something...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Oh I'll have to get that book. Last week I finished "He's just not that into you." and their sequel book "It's called a break up because their broken." Really they could have summed up both books into an article in a magazine, but there were good points.

Yea girl you should get Matthew's book! He's breaking it DOWN!!! And I love his videos on YouTube as well.

I have that book HJNTIY and the sister book as well lol. Can you tell I've been at this rodeo before??

I MUCH prefer Matthew's book though. The other two books (especially HJNTIY) had too much cursing in it for my taste, and just seemed a bit harsh towards women. Matthew's book is fun, easy to read, and he's very gentle with his advice.

About Matthew's tips, I totally think he's right on the money! BUT that being said, I've decided to adopt the rules for a year to see if they really work, i.e. being passive and not approach a guy. But to be honest it seems like the guys who approach me and flirt with me are soooooo not on my level or are married erplexed. It's crazy how bold married men are. I hate that mess. I am no Olivia Pope!!!!

BINGO!!! And see, that's why I sort of stopped doing the Rules verbatim. I just think that times have changed a LOT over the years, and while I still cling to the books main theme (not chasing a man, having a life, loving yourself, allow a man to pursue you, etc.) I've been taking Matthew's tips in being more PROACTIVE with my love life, because otherwise, I was only getting guys approaching me that I personally didn't like! NOW I'm trying something new on for size.

I think you can let a guy know you're available without making the first move by your body language. Looking relaxed and happy, smiling, not crossing your legs or folding your arms. But I'm going to be honest I tend to be attracted to men who are the class clowns or the life of the party, so they are using working the room and talking to the crowd just by their very nature, so if I'm around someone like that I engage in witty banter with them.

EXACTLY. And that's what I'm doing. With "The Rules", I felt like I was a stone-cold fox....LITERALLY!!! But I noticed that while I felt confident, I wasn't getting as many guys approaching me when I sat back and waited for them to approach. erplexed Plus, it dawned on me that every guy that has ended up liking me, was USUALLY due to the fact that I engaged HIM first in some way. I think Matthew is right....in his book he says that men are more intimidated or scared of rejection than women realize. A lot of times, the men that just come right out and are OVERLY confident with approaching (w/out any signs whatsoever) are either guys who are: players, married, don't have anything to lose, or VERY VERY confident and secure with themselves. Other guys (I'd say the majority), either I smiled at them, started a conversation, asked them something, or acknowledged them in SOME way. EVen the guys that I thought pursued me first, when I thought back, I realized that I did SOMETHING to get him to start feeling comfortable in pursuing ME.

Honestly all of this is an art not a science. And who's to say Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider are even romantically happy? Didn't they both get divorces?

All things in moderation.

Yea I think one of them is divorced. I thought she re-married though?? I don't know, I'll have to do research online lol. I DO prefer their newest book though "Not Your Mother's Rules". I downloaded that to my Kindle as well, and I have found that one to be more applicable to our technologically advanced world these days. They've loosened up their rules a bit as well lol.

I agree...ALL things in moderation.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

Crystalicequeen123 You're like my dating sponsor! I feel like I'm in AA and need the support. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. You're so thoughtful in your answers.

Oh wow!!! lol! So he's older eh?? Well this makes things interesting....

Okay, so anyway..... it sounds like there's a bit of an age difference lol.... 13 years is quite significant...even though he's not "old". I can see you eventually becoming bored.

Yeah, I just can't see him hanging around my group of friends and any of us being comfortable with that. He honestly seems like he'd click well with my dad... I secretly think they'd be best friends if they met, and I don't want to date my daddy....

At the SAME TIME....if the thought of even kissing him repulses you, then by all means, don't try to force attraction where there is none. Hmmm...yeah, maybe that IS a sign that you're not THAT into him. erplexed I would give him at least one more date.... give it the old college try lol. See what happens. Have you two kissed yet?? :look

Nope. I thought for sure after our 2nd date b/c it was a Friday night. We were one of the last patrons of the restaurant. He walked me to my car... I was parked in the back. He like grabbed my arm as we were walking, almost in a trying to hold on to it sorta way, not like an Ike Turner, "Get back here woman" sorta way. And I got to my car door. He opened it, and I reached up to give him a hug and I sorta like kissed his cheek/ear. More so brush my lips against it. And he ain't pounce.... so But I will say I figured that was gonna be the move b/c I was Tipsy off 1 and half Lemon Drop Martinis, but maybe he's a gentle man through and through. Which is very good!

Dang your last few text messages seem rulesy, but a little on the cold side lol.... Is this how you would respond to a guy that you're interested in?? Just curious...lol

3/27/14
HIM: No word? 8:24 PM
Me: The bird bird bird. Bird is the word! 10:18 PM
Me: Im just getting home from a business dinner with my manager and coworker. How's your night? 10:18 PM

3/28/14
HIM: My night was great 7:10 AM
HIM: Sweetness are you working all day? 9:01 AM
Me: Yep. Blah my boss texted me at 7 AM saying see you on the office later. Time for me to get dressed and put on my game face. 9:03 AM
HIM: Damn sorry to hear that 9:05 AM
HIM: Cus I'm off today 9:14 AM


So I guess he liked it. ha....I got promoted to Sweetness????? He's never called me any term of endearment beore.

It seems he can sort of sense your disinterest...because he mentioned something like: "if you're not interested, just let me know..." or something like that. I'm not saying shower him with attention, but if you DO at least like his personality, and he's treating you well, I would go on another date or two with him. Maybe next week would be nice. He seems like a nice guy.

I did a very UNrulsey thing, but after work I went to my best friend's office party as her plus one. We ended up hanging out at her coworkers apartment with a big group of her friends from work, but I got home by 10 PM. I figured since my hair and make up were already done because I had to go into the office today that I'd call the guy up and see if he wanted to meet me some place for a drink. Well he didn't answer... I left a voicemail. He hasn't called back, and I've already washed my face and put on a mud mask. I'm in for the night.

I think he thinks I'm probably some type of party girl b/c last weekend early Saturday like at 7 PM my girls and I just finished dinner at Chili's and I called him while my friends and I stopped by Wal-Mart for some random grocery shopping. I was a little tipsy and basically said I wanted to see him on Sunday. Well didn't hear from the next day and Monday rolls around and he was like,

HIM: Did you ever see how much was on the dsw card? 4:22 PM
Me: Nope. I haven't. 4:32 PM
HIM: Ok I was just courious 4:33 PM
Me: don't worry I have a $10 gift card DSW mail to me so I'll be using your card soon. 4:38 PM
HIM: No worries 4:39 PM
HIM: You were partying hard yesterday? 5:08 PM
Me: Yes!!!!! 5:09 PM
HIM: I know you were hammered when you called 5:10 PM
HIM: Lol 5:10 PM
Me: Omg was not! 5:11 PM
HIM: Trust me 5:11 PM
Me: I just have horrible phone etiquette 5:15 PM
HIM: Really? Never noticed 5:16 PM
Me: WELL all I can say was the strawberry margaritas were great! 5:22 PM
HIM: Lol 5:25 PM

So based off of last Saturday and tonights random call he probably thinks I'm down for the turn up and a drunk dialer. But honestly I had one drink at 5 PM..... I just don't like making plans in advance with him, but I'd rather see where the night takes me and let him fit in where he gets in. Once there's a lull in the plans I already have then I want to reach out with him.. he's like plan B. erplexed But it's not like he's taking a backseat to another guy. Just work, friends, family, me just being lazy and wanting me time. Maybe I'm a commitment-phobe b/c i swear when I was dating my emotionally unavailable ex I was craving this type of attention. But now I get more satisfaction sitting at home after work reading my Suzy Orman Finance books... Am I turning into a spinster?!?!? Shoot... don't let me buy a cat. That's how it all starts!!!

I was a little thrown off from the "what's the problem?" and single questions though. Was that the typical question guys ask: "why are you still single??" Ugh...I can't stand that question! Makes me think a guy is looking to find out what's wrong with a woman or something...

I know I hate it too! "What are you single?" That's the stupidest freaking question ever! I hate when people ask me, so I don't ask them. Just in general
the answer to those questions are never very productive. Hang out with a person long enough and you'll see why they are single.

Yea girl you should get Matthew's book! He's breaking it DOWN!!! And I love his videos on YouTube as well.

Done and DONE!!!! Thanks for the rec.

EXACTLY. And that's what I'm doing. With "The Rules", I felt like I was a stone-cold fox....LITERALLY!!! But I noticed that while I felt confident, I wasn't getting as many guys approaching me when I sat back and waited for them to approach. erplexed Plus, it dawned on me that every guy that has ended up liking me, was USUALLY due to the fact that I engaged HIM first in some way. I think Matthew is right....in his book he says that men are more intimidated or scared of rejection than women realize. A lot of times, the men that just come right out and are OVERLY confident with approaching (w/out any signs whatsoever) are either guys who are: players, married, don't have anything to lose, or VERY VERY confident and secure with themselves. Other guys (I'd say the majority), either I smiled at them, started a conversation, asked them something, or acknowledged them in SOME way. EVen the guys that I thought pursued me first, when I thought back, I realized that I did SOMETHING to get him to start feeling comfortable in pursuing ME.

YES!!! The guy I'm dating told me I was intimidating, especially the dude's my age. And it's so true that the one's who are bold enough to approach have NOTHING to lose. They are soo ratchet or complete players who think they made the game.

I DO prefer their newest book though "Not Your Mother's Rules". I downloaded that to my Kindle as well, and I have found that one to be more applicable to our technologically advanced world these days. They've loosened up their rules a bit as well lol.

I bought all their books except for the rules to marriage, and honestly I liked them all with the exception of the online dating book. That book is too archaic for this day in age. No one is in AOL chatrooms any more...

But I do say that Not Your Mother's Rules was okay for a teenager, but to me that Original Rules book and Rules II were better. They had more substance to support the why we do certain rulsey behavior.

 

[ThePerfectScore]

Here's an excerpt from an article on AskMen.com

Mind Games: How To Deal With A Rules Girl

Page 3 of 3
tackling phone calls

Dan, I never recommend leaving messages on a woman's answering service or machine until you've made it past the first 2 months. But since you've already gone (way too far) down that road, we'll just deal with the situation as is.
When you mentioned that you thought that Felice would have called back by now if she were interested in you, that was a half-truth. If she was really interested in you (and she wasn't a die hard Rules Girl), then she would have returned your call after the first message you left.

The only other plausible explanation is that she is indeed a hard-core Rules Girl. I have 3 things to say about that:

1 — If she's so insecure that she needs to follow The Rules , then you don't want to be with her.
2 — If she's calculating and manipulative enough to be using The Rules , again, you don't want to be with her.
3 — If she's a Rules Girl who likes to make a man jump through more hoops than a circus tiger, you've guessed it, then you don't want to be with her.

putting up a screen

Let's put aside the issue of whether or not she's a Rules Girl; if you've called all those times and have always gotten her answering machine, then it's pretty obvious that she is, unfortunately, a full-time call screener. That in itself is a bad sign.
Why do most attractive young women who screen their calls on a full-time basis do that? Well, it's most likely because they are continually giving their phone numbers out to and flirting with guys whom they never want to talk to again, and in your case, Dan, it sounds as if you're getting screened out.

unruly behavior

Even though she is a full-time screener, if she had high interest in you Dan, she would at least temporarily suspend her habit of screening all her calls because she was dying to hear from you. She'd be worried about what an awkward position her screening would be putting you in. The Reality Factor [see reality for what it is while dating and not follow your wants or wishes] says that when women like you, they help you.
At this point Dan, Rules Girl or not, blow her off. You've already gone way beyond the call of duty. And stop trying to figure out why she's given you mixed messages. You're wasting your mind, and a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

If this girl somehow resurfaces and calls you, apologizes profusely for her tardiness, and begs to see you again, you can put her on probation and give her another shot. But whatever you do, do not call her again and leave another message.

Remember guys — If she's a Rules Girl or simply a screener, it's best to rule her out.

For the full article click here:

http://uk.askmen.com/dating/doclove_60/74_relationship_expert.html

 

[ThePerfectScore]

Crystalicequeen123 so I have an update:

The guy is completely losing his mind over the fact that I'm busy.

Here's our convo from yesterday--- I'll highlight the parts I think are most telling

Him: Just wanted to say good morning 8:33 AM

Me: Top of the morning to ya! 8:35 AM

Him: I was reaching out as you were on my mind 8:37 AM

Me: What a beautiful mind! ;-) 9:10 AM

Him: Ok 9:12 AM

Me: This weather is gorgeous! Have you ran outside today? 4:03 PM

Him: Yes I did 4:10 PM

Me: Lucky 4:23 PM

Him: Are we ever meeting up? 7:00 PM

Me: Wednesdays or Fridays are best for me. 7:02 PM

Him: All day? 7:03 PM

Me: No after 7-7:30 7:07 PM

Him: Wow I guess my question is how is a twenty something single woman busy all week except for after 7-730 on Wednesdays and Fridays 7:09 PM

Me: Because life's too short. 7:13 PM

Him: No idea what that means 7:14 PM
Him: Your to busy having fun? 7:14 PM

Me: Life's too short sit around and do nothing, so I always have plans. 7:15 PM

Him: Just wondering 7:15 PM

Me: It's ok to wonder. 7:16 PM

Him: Do you have any plans on spending time with someone and getting to know them? 7:16 PM

Me: Yes! Of course! 7:17 PM

Him: Honestly I'm trying and have openly said I like you and want to explore you 7:18 PM
Him: But you are making it difficult 7:19 PM

Me: Well where would you like to go what would you like to do? 7:22 PM

Him: I want to see you on the regular 7:22 PM
Him: I don't care where 7:22 PM
Him: I'll be frank 7:26 PM

Me: What do you do for fun? I usually hang out with girl friends and all we do is shop or eat. 7:26 PM

Him: I met a lot of people off line 7:26 PM
Him: But want you 7:26 PM
Him: I find you incredibly sexy and smart 7:26 PM
Him: Do with that what you will 7:27 PM
Him: I'm open 7:29 PM
Him: Don't shop much but love to eat 7:29 PM

Me: Well I do have a Dsw cardI must use plus I gotta eat lol. 7:29 PM
Me: Yay where getting somewhere! 7:30 PM
Me: How about meet tomorrow at the Forum shop around, walk, talk, grab a bite there? 7:31 PM

Him: Ok 7:32 PM
Him: But I need to know if your on the same page 7:32 PM
Him: If not tell me please I'm getting no vibe from you 7:32 PM

Me: Believe me I'm no afraid to say no if I don't want something. Yes, I do want to spend time with you. 7:33 PM

Him: What does that mean? I spend time with my mom 7:34 PM

Me: I don't rush into intimate relationships if that's what you're wondering. 7:35 PM

Him: No it's not 7:36 PM

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123 so I have an update:

The guy is completely losing his mind over the fact that I'm busy.

Here's our convo from yesterday--- I'll highlight the parts I think are most telling

ThePerfectScore

Hey girl!!!!


So sorry for my late reply. Please forgive me, I've been extremely busy at work, AND I'm trying to get my taxes done at the last minute grr , so I've been kind of swamped lately, and I wanted to write you this long well-thought-out response back to your FIRST post, but I haven't had the time!!!


But you know what, I think I'll just write in short bursts....maybe that will be easier lol.


I'm reading your latest text conversation with him, and I'm going to have to be honest....you know me....I don't mince words.

So here it goes...

First of all, it sounds like he's REALLY into you! He seems to be (at least from what you've described) genuinely interested.

First the pros: I think it's good that you aren't making things TOO easy for him, and that you're allowing him to PURSUE YOU. That's always a GOOD thing!

Now the cons: My only fear is that you are being a little TOO "Rulesy" . You want to be somewhat hard to get, but not IMPOSSIBLE to get! Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're all that interested in this guy, and I think he's picking up on it. erplexed The reason why I say this is because I used to act just like you when a guy would text me and I wasn't all that interested in him. When you REALLY like a person, or are really interested (or curious) about a guy, you MAKE time to get to know him.

Because I wasn't interested in these guys, I think they would pick up on it eventually, and then they would get frustrated or mad at me, and I would feel increasing anxiety because I knew in my heart of hearts that I wasn't really all that interested, and I hated leading them on.

If you're actually really interested in this dude or don't mind getting to know him better, then I think you might want to make yourself a little more accessible to him because I think what happens eventually is that a guy starts to see the "Rules" behavior as playing games, and in MY personal experience, I've noticed that when I did the Rules TOO hard, I ended up getting guys who were genuinely interested in me (at first), but then they would resort to playing games because I was basically playing games. You know what I mean? I mean, by now he should have asked you out on a real DATE in that last text message. But he seemed to be pussy-footing around because guys hate rejection, and he's already showing that he's vulnerable/feeling insecure about your interest in him....which will in turn cause a guy to play games.

That's just MY own personal opinion....take it or leave it lol.

I'm just speaking from what I've personally experienced, so, this may not be going on in YOUR case, but from his text messages it seems as though he is trying to gauge your interest in him.

The danger in playing the Rules TOO well however, is that you might end up with a guy who gets addicted to "The Chase", and when he finally catches you, he loses interest anyway.. erplexed. There is such a thing as doing the Rules TOO long I think.... Idk... again, I'm not saying you should be a doormat, or be TOO accommodating, but I think eventually he could just start viewing you as a "chase" and not as a woman that he's getting to know and coming to like and respect.

Idk how to put it...Maybe I'm not phrasing it properly. erplexed

Plus, you're young and he knows he's quite a few years older than you, so I wouldn't be surprised if he eventually just gives up.

Again, MY hypothesis is that you're not really all that into this dude... Maybe it's the age difference? Maybe you can sense that he's a little more serious and at a different point in his life?? Whereas you're in your 20's and you probably just still want to hang out with your girlfriends at the mall or something. Whereas he's in his late 30's so he might be thinking marriage, commitment, etc. You might not be at that point in your life right now.... at least....maybe not with a guy THAT much older than you???

These are just my guesses....feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Anyway girl, my honest opinion is this: If you're really not that interested in him, then I would let him go. Just be up front and honest with him instead of playing games or being vague and cryptic with your text messages. I think men would probably prefer honesty more than beating around the bush. Plus, sometimes when you're honest, a man will sense that and will wait for you to be READY. He will appreciate your honesty, but will also WAIT until YOU'RE ready to make that commitment to him. But sometimes a man will just cut his losses and just move on.

So.....idk.... My opinion is that you're not romantically interested in him....because if you WERE, I think you would be acting differently, and your text messages might be a little different lol

Just my

Let me know your thoughts!!