Relationship Lessons Learned

[Makenzie]

I hate when people say "You can't help who you fall in love with". So what you have romantic feeling for him. If you’re constantly arguing/fighting with him and getting hurt by him, then he is not for you. If the bad outweighs the good, then you need to walk away. Don’t become a Tyrese song --- ‘I know that I messed up over a thousand times. Said you wouldn't forgive me but somehow I changed your mind’. That is draining, that is not love. Just because you have romantic feelings for someone does not mean they are good for you. And if they are not good for you, you will be miserable.

Think about what kind of life you want with that person. Will you be able to achieve it with that person? I’m not talking financials. Think about how you want him to treat you. Are you close to your family? Does he get along with them? Do you get along with his? How everyone interacts now is an indication of how things will be after you are married. Stop thinking he, or the situation, will change. If he, or it, does then that is wonderful. But don’t put your life on hold till that happens.

Stop giving men excuses. Looking a man’s potential is only part of what you need to see. Is he talking about doing things, or is he actually working toward a goal with a plan in motion?

Don’t loan him any money.

As mentioned before, listen to your intuition.

 

[okange76]

Observe his friends. They will tell you alot about the type of man he is. Bad friends will bring unnecessary drama into your home. A man who is very comfortable covering for his cheating friends means that his friends will have his back when he is cheating on you. You want a man whose friends are not afraid to check him and set him straight when it comes to you. You want a man who surrounds himself with men of honor and integrity. Of course there will be that odd one here and there but for the most part, his closest pals should be people you are proud to know and interact with. Same goes for your close circle.

Family is a different dynamic but if he is way too close to the trifling side of his family, I would be super cautious. Family can suck the life out of your relationship and drain your pockets till all you have left is sawdust and lint.

 

[sweetvi]

As women, we teach men how to treat us by the way we carry ourselves, and the boundaries that we set. If you carry yourself with respect (in your speech, dress, conduct, etc.), a man will follow suit and treat you with respect. If you let a man get away with disrespecting you in any way, shape or form - you have laid the foundation for your relationship and future occurrences.

Always let a man pay, open your door, be chivalrous. Never take that privilege away from him. You deserve to be treated that way.

Don't get all your advice about men from women. Find and talk to some good men who you trust to give you honest, thoughtful feedback.

Never share your intimate relationship issues with anyone except your dh or s/o. Keep home business in the home. No one else needs to know (unless abuse is going on...otherwise, no).

**When I was younger, I would tell all my relationship issues to my bff (so I thought). Not only was she telling every Tom, Dick, and Harpo my business, but she even went so far as to advise me to call off my engagement (I was engaged to dh at the time) due to something very minor me and dh was going through. Same bff was married to a serial cheater and never once considered leaving him. That was my wake up call.**

Girllllll. I lost two friends like that. When one of my relationships ended, it seemed like she was undercover happy about that being that she was with a cheating husband...

 

[Supervixen]

Girllllll. I lost two friends like that. When one of my relationships ended, it seemed like she was undercover happy about that being that she was with a cheating husband...

Excellent lesson learned. I had the above happen too.

Girlfriendships--geez.

I've lost friends every time I was in a happy, relationship. Don't let the man be good looking, in shape and making money, you may be in for vile treatment.

My ex best friend married early (24), had a child and bought a house--but as soon as I got engaged she got ghost.

We'd Been friends FOR YEARS, and as I thought back, I'd noticed she got upset, ghosted or planned to upstage events when all of her friends achieved things she had--got married, had a baby, bought a house. I guess she thought those things separated her and made her better than everyone else. As the rest of us "caught up" and had more doting husbands (her husband kinda sucked), bigger, fully remodeled houses, more than one kid, she was no longer the unicorn.

Now, the people that she's allowed to remain her friend are ladies that look to her as a unicorn bc they want marriage, homes and children. The rest of us were dismissed.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Love the advice in this thread ladies. Unfortunately I know women who could really use it. Here's mine.

1) Pay attention to how a man describes his exes. Because how he describes them is how he will eventually describe you. Moreover, be wary of a man who says his ex is "crazy."

2) Always trust your gut--if it's telling you to not trust him, even if you can't put your finger on as to why, go with it.

 

[niknakmac]

Don't be afraid to let your intentions be known.

It's ok to say I want to be married, I won't be anyone's GF for five years.

It's also ok to leave because he doesn't want the same things. You can't change him so stop wasting your pretty and find a man that wants what you want.

 

[caribeandiva]

Never share your intimate relationship issues with anyone except your dh or s/o. Keep home business in the home. No one else needs to know (unless abuse is going on...otherwise, no).

I am learning this the hard way. Not only that but they may give you conflicting advice that confuses you. Keep everyone else out and follow your instincts.

 

[hopeful]

...
2) Always trust your gut--if it's telling you to not trust him, even if you can't put your finger on as to why, go with it.

 

[Lucie]

- There is never a reason for a man to disrespect you. It doesn't matter if a parent died, he lost money in the stock market, or another driver hit his car. You are the one person he should know better than to speak with poorly.

- Don't drop plans for him. You have plans to go out with your friends, then continue to go out with them.

- Don't say you love him first.

- Do not tell him too much about yourself. Stuff like: abandonment issues, bad exes, fears, et cetera. I am not saying NEVER, but he has to work for it and prove himself to you.

- You are the prize. Don't allow him to make you feel like he is.

- Do not make him your world. You will have to continue this until you break up, or someone dies.

- If he does not return your call/text do not blow up his phone. I can see someone calling on my Fitbit. My FB is on me except in the shower, or when I am asleep. He knows that you called or messaged him.

 

[caribeandiva]

My lessons (other than what has already been said):

1. You can't change a man. Don't waste your energy and hard earned money on "improving" him. Not only is that arrogant of you to think you have that kind of power, it's also a reflection of you (I.e. You don't love some aspect of yourself that you're trying to fix in him). Save your energy and find someone on your level and who you can live with.

2. Run away from men who try to change you. As soon as you change for him, he'll find more things you need to "improve". He should love you for who you are now, not who he plans on turning you into. That's not really YOU anyway.

3. Don't introduce him to your people first. Let him bring you around his friends and family first. And then you might THINK about following suit.

4. Don't sleep with a man too soon. That clouds your judgement and leads you to do and put up with crap you never would otherwise.

5. Drop the men ain't sh*t mentality. If all the men you date turn out to really be like that, ask yourself what is it about you that attracts ain't sh*t men!

6. If a man doesn't support and encourage you to follow your dreams, drop him! It won't get better the longer you stay with him. Get yourself a man who's as ambitious as you are or more.

7. Don't date men who don't take care of themselves physically. Whether they are very overweight, do drugs and otherwise neglect their appearance. He obviously doesn't love or care about himself so what makes you think he has the capacity to love you? You can only give away what you have...

 

[Godsdaughter001]

Yes, yes and yes!! To all of the below, especially #1.

1. Listen to your intuition, IT WILL NEVER EVER steer you wrong.

2. Never let him get too comfortable of think he's irreplaceable

3. Keep yourself cute FOR YOU, the worst feeling is looking up one day and wondering where "you" went.

4. Always have a "fck you account"

5. Make him earn your forgiveness, but only if he deserves it.

6. Don't vent to family and friends, they'll hate him and you'll be back booed up and in love.

7. Don't limit your circle for him, unless they're toxic you should still foster & cultivate relationships with your friends, keep a sense of independence.

8. Don't be all about him all the time, it's ok to be a little bit selfish sometimes.

 

[Leylu]

I would just stress that communication is key. There should be clarity about what you both are working towards. These conversations should be upfront and should occur regularly. If you feel like you have to hide your feelings in fear of scaring him away, then there is obviously an imbalance in the relationship.

 

[caribeandiva]

I would just stress that communication is key. There should be clarity about what you both are working towards. These conversations should be upfront and should occur regularly. If you feel like you have to hide your feelings in fear of scaring him away, then there is obviously an imbalance in the relationship.

i second that.

 

[Neomorph]

I'm definitely not as well-versed in relationships as many of you ladies are but this is what I've learned so far:

1. Never be with a guy who feels he has to one up your accomplishments.
2. Make sure the attraction level between you two is equal/somewhat equal. It should never be heavily skewed one way or the other.
3. In the beginning it is okay to initiate occasionally (a first text or even suggesting a hangout) but if you're doing all the leg work then a) he's not that into you or b) a bum who isn't worth it.

 

[onyxdreams]

Pay attention to the way he treats the women in his family especially his mother. Is he generous and protective or is he dismissive. Eventually those traits will show up in your relationship.

Fairytale love is not real, this man is fallible and you are your own brave knight.

 

[caribeandiva]

^I'd also add: Pay attention to how he treats service people such as waiters, customer service people, etc... Also see how he treats those who can do nothing for him such as homeless people, weak people and kids. How he treats them is how he will treat you eventually.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Excellent lesson learned. I had the above happen too.

Girlfriendships--geez.

I've lost friends every time I was in a happy, relationship. Don't let the man be good looking, in shape and making money, you may be in for vile treatment.

My ex best friend married early (24), had a child and bought a house--but as soon as I got engaged she got ghost.

We'd Been friends FOR YEARS, and as I thought back, I'd noticed she got upset, ghosted or planned to upstage events when all of her friends achieved things she had--got married, had a baby, bought a house. I guess she thought those things separated her and made her better than everyone else. As the rest of us "caught up" and had more doting husbands (her husband kinda sucked), bigger, fully remodeled houses, more than one kid, she was no longer the unicorn.

Now, the people that she's allowed to remain her friend are ladies that look to her as a unicorn bc they want marriage, homes and children. The rest of us were dismissed.

OMG I'm going through this now. A few of my friends have gone ghost or have been acting funny ever since this new relationship and it hurts . Initially I thought it was because I've been spending a lot of my time with my SO (while still communicating with them via text and calls) but that didn't really add up to me since we all see each other monthly anyway. Nevertheless, I still reached out and apologized for being MIA, asked how everything was and asked about the weekend plans, etc. We had the conversation, then laughed and joked and then poof nothing.

Now I've dated a lot of guys, but this here is a serious, exclusive relationship with a great guy (looks, character, coin, every thing) and we're in love. They haven't met him yet but they know of him and how happy I am but at this point I feel like things will get worse when they meet him

I've been conscious about maintaining a healthy balance with all of my relationships since I refuse to turn into "that" girl and outside of not seeing my parents in 3 weeks (will finally visit tomorrow ), I've been doing ok with the balancing act but two of my friends have been noticeably ghost and another one cancelled plans on me yesterday. I was so mad about it that I slept horribly and had vivid nightmares.

Ugh I'm trying to figure out what the best course of action is here. I'm emotional and I don't want to confront right now, but I'm wondering if I should even say anything again, wait it out or fade away. Now the one that cancelled yesterday is getting a call today cause I don't play that.

 

[Supervixen]

OMG I'm going through this now. A few of my friends have gone ghost or have been acting funny ever since this new relationship and it hurts . Initially I thought it was because I've been spending a lot of my time with my SO (while still communicating with them via text and calls) but that didn't really add up to me since we all see each other monthly anyway. Nevertheless, I still reached out and apologized for being MIA, asked how everything was and asked about the weekend plans, etc. We had the conversation, then laughed and joked and then poof nothing.

Now I've dated a lot of guys, but this here is a serious, exclusive relationship with a great guy (looks, character, coin, every thing) and we're in love. They haven't met him yet but they know of him and how happy I am but at this point I feel like things will get worse when they meet him

I've been conscious about maintaining a healthy balance with all of my relationships since I refuse to turn into "that" girl and outside of not seeing my parents in 3 weeks (will finally visit tomorrow ), I've been doing ok with the balancing act but two of my friends have been noticeably ghost and another one cancelled plans on me yesterday. I was so mad about it that I slept horribly and had vivid nightmares.

Ugh I'm trying to figure out what the best course of action is here. I'm emotional and I don't want to confront right now, but I'm wondering if I should even say anything again, wait it out or fade away. Now the one that cancelled yesterday is getting a call today cause I don't play that.

I'm so sorry honey. I cried my eyes out about my ex-bestie ghosting. We'd been friends since we were 11 and even college roomies. I cant tell you what's best for your relationship, but if things do not work out, give yourself permission to grieve. Friends that float away are a loss and it is okay to mourn that relationship.

 

[KidneyBean86]

If a man says "I can't give you what you want" don't walk but run as fast as you can. He's out to use you if you stick around.

 

[KiSseS03]

Most recent lesson: When a relationship ends be firm and completely cut contact. Delete his contact information, make use of all blocking features and focus on you! Do not allow yourself to be reeled back in by his words. You are just opening yourself up to more hurt and extending the heartache.

 

[ommns]

What I have learned - men are more emotionally sensitive than women.

 

[caribeandiva]

What I have learned - men are more emotionally sensitive than women.

Omg yes

 

[Browndilocks]

Hummmm. I think one of the biggest lessons I learned from relationships is just follow your gut. It does not matter how he looks, his profession or how many people are telling you "girl he's a good catch". If you know deep down inside that something just ain't right then it's best to follow that.

The same way it isn't good to try to force a relationship with someone who isn't showing the same interest or worse, isn't treating you right. There is never a need to endure anything that you are unable to fully digest. I have learned to get out of my feelings and out of the idea of what I think I can have with a person. I used to allow people to pressure me into relationships or staying in them for way longer than I should have. I've learned to listen to myself more. If the situation for whatever reason is not feeling kosher, especially in the early stages, I can finally say I've matured enough to be able to walk away. It took a while but I can do it now.