What things have you learned about relationships from MEN?

[Ganjababy]

Where are all the thanks buttons?! This thread has some great advise.

After 10 years of marriage (and years of dating numerous men) I finally realise that it really does not take much to make a man happy. A s long as he is getting 2 or 3 things he is happy. For all men, included in those 2 or 3 variables, is sex. On the other hand, we ladies are far more complex.

 

[Ladybelle]

-There are only two types of men in the world: those who will & those who won't. Don't waste your time with those who won't because they don't change.

-Don't listen to what a man says, watch what he does.

-respect is huge, under no circumstance should a man feel disrespected by his woman. disrespect does something to the core of his being & once done it is very difficult to undo.

- If he will hit you or intentionally hurt you with his words, he does not love you.

 

[zzirvingj]

Don't do stuff for him (like cooking, washing, cleaning) thinking that those things will endear you to him. In most cases, it only make you look desperate. If he falls for you, it will be because of you, not because you are a good little homemaker.

2 guys thought me this. One went out with my cousin. He used to bring his laundry to her house and she would wash his clothes and cook him dinners and stuff. She thought that he would definately marry her. He never wifed her though. He got married to someone else. She learned her lesson and only ever washed her current husbands clothes after they became married.

A guy friend of mine told me that some women appear desperate to him when they try too hard. Like wanting to always cook for him even though they just started dating. Or one lady stocking up on loads of booze and suddenly having a bar in her living room (even though she does not drink alcohol) after she found out that he liked a drink or two.
Another of his lady friends setting up a meeting with her Dad and him, after only 2 dates.

In regards to the bold, I walk a thin line when it comes to this, I must admit.

I like to cook and if I like a guy, me cooking for him is like him buying me flowers, taking me out, etc. It's my way of showing him I care and am interested. Now, will I cook him every meal we eat together? Negative. But it's something I have done often for someone I really like, nonetheless.

 

[Curlybeauty]

When it come to cooking, I will cook once or twice to let him know that I can cook, and that I'm pretty darn good at it. But me cooking for a man is something special that only my "husband" will get. I want him to have something to look forward to.

 

[Ladybelle]

What I have learned is that men just don't typically get as involved as we get emotionally. I have also learned, although most women seem to get offended by this when I say it, that men marry for different reasons than we do. Hence we are focused on love while they are focused on practical things.

And then, the big thing that I have learned is that men know what they want and will go after it. If he has been with you for years and years and you are not in school or have some serious pressing issues that would hinder marriage, then he doesn't want to marry you. In addition, men aren't shy enough NOT to go after a woman they really want. WE tell ourselves that he must be shy when the reality is that he probably just really isn't into you like that.

missmasala, if you don't mind me asking, how young were you in your first marriage & how long did it last?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Men have feelings too.

From my brother: "When you ask me what is wrong and I say nothing, 9 times out of 10 there is NOTHING wrong. Quit asking, it bother's me."

I have learned that men do not know how to express their emotions but it does not mean they do not have them or that they are not affected by them.
Sent from my Droid using Long Hair Care Forum App

That if a man really cares about you, he'll both show you and tell you. If you have to wonder if he does, the answer is probably no.

^^So true! I agree with everything that has been said on this board.

I have learned SOOO much about men in just the past 2 years. I had so many misconceptions! I guess growing up without a brother or any father figures in my life contributed to that.

Anyway, something else some guy friends of mine told me not too recently that kind of surprised me is:

Men looove compliments from women. Compliments go a LONG way they say. I was a little surprised because I usually don't take out the time to compliment men. I guess we're so used to trying to make sure that our men (or men in general) don't get a "big head" or think he's "all that" so we have to make sure to "put him in his place" or prove to him that he's "NOT all that" so we get used to putting down our men, ignoring them, or belittling their accomplishments.

But honestly, I think this only brings men further down. It doesn't make them appeal to a woman who is like that. I completely agree that men have feelings and emotions just like women. They're just not as emotional. I used to think that men were super tough and could handle ANY type of verbal or emotional abuse. But now I see that men are more sensitive than we think. Their egos are more fragile than ours.

I REALLY see a better difference with men when I appeal more to my feminine side. Seriously...it's like a night/day change!

 

[zzirvingj]

Can you elaborate on what you mean by 'appealing more to your feminine side'?

 

[Lenee925]

Don't do stuff for him (like cooking, washing, cleaning) thinking that those things will endear you to him. In most cases, it only make you look desperate. If he falls for you, it will be because of you, not because you are a good little homemaker.

2 guys thought me this. One went out with my cousin. He used to bring his laundry to her house and she would wash his clothes and cook him dinners and stuff. She thought that he would definately marry her. He never wifed her though. He got married to someone else. She learned her lesson and only ever washed her current husbands clothes after they became married.

A guy friend of mine told me that some women appear desperate to him when they try too hard. Like wanting to always cook for him even though they just started dating. Or one lady stocking up on loads of booze and suddenly having a bar in her living room (even though she does not drink alcohol) after she found out that he liked a drink or two.
Another of his lady friends setting up a meeting with her Dad and him, after only 2 dates.

This is spot on. I think guys are afraid to tell us these things. In fact, the man I'm talking to now said that he's not the type of guy that expects dinner when he gets home or for his wife to be Betty Homemaker. He actually told me that he loves my career-minded-ness and my drive and would get turned off if I got "all-domesticated" on him. erplexed

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Can you elaborate on what you mean by 'appealing more to your feminine side'?

Sure...

When I say "appealing more to my feminine side", I basically mean that I try to remember to exude the qualities that come naturally to females. I remind myself that men and women are attracted to their "opposites". Just like a woman wouldn't want a "weak" or "soft" man, most men don't really find "hard" women all that attractive. It doesn't give them that gut-level instinctual attraction pull to the woman.

I try to remind myself to be softer, gentler in my mannerisms, and just basically a WOMAN! I think in the generation that we live in, we as women (especially black women) have been so used to doing for ourselves, so used to competing with men in school/in the work place, so used to putting a man in their place, raising kids by ourselves, making our own "luck" in life, and at times we can carry this into relationships. What I've noticed is that men may like these types of women....maybe even very much, but at the core of everything, I think men (yes...even black men) just want a woman to be a WOMAN. They like the differences that women have that make us women. Don't get me wrong....a man can like a "masculine" or hard woman...make no mistake about that! LOL! There is certainly somebody for everyone. But I find that a lot of times, more "traditional" men tend to like softer more feminine women. And vice versa.

When a woman is too much like a man....it's very hard for a man to be as attracted to you. When you're always putting a man down, or bantering back and forth, trying to prove how you're right and he's wrong...it just kills his ego...and therefore his attraction. I've come to learn that sometimes it's not the most beautiful women that have men falling at their feet, but rather the women that help a man FEEL like a man. Men like women that make them feel more like a man. And I would venture to say that we WOMEN like men that make us feel more womanly or "feminine" also! That's why a lot of women are attracted to strong, tall, successful, and take-charge men.

You see what I'm saying?

Don't be afraid to let your feminine side show ladies. It does wonders....

 

[chocolat79]

Men LOVE compliments and value that more than an expensive gift or material things. They like to feel like whatever they do for you is appreciated. They THRIVE on appreciation and acknowledgments.

Men are simple. The more I live and interact with them on different levels, the more I understand this.

I've also learned that men don't REALLY know what they want until they get it. I say this because I've seen guys who say they wouldn't date a woman with children and next thing you know, he's head-over-heels for a woman with 2 children. OR they say they want XYZ and you're the opposite of that, so just because a man says he wants something, doesn't necessarily mean it's in stone either.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Men LOVE compliments and value that more than an expensive gift or material things. They like to feel like whatever they do for you is appreciated. They THRIVE on appreciation and acknowledgments.

Men are simple. The more I live and interact with them on different levels, the more I understand this.

I've also learned that men don't REALLY know what they want until they get it. I say this because I've seen guys who say they wouldn't date a woman with children and next thing you know, he's head-over-heels for a woman with 2 children. OR they say they want XYZ and you're the opposite of that, so just because a man says he wants something, doesn't necessarily mean it's in stone either.

OMG...so true so true!! I couldn't thank you enough for this!

Too many women try to be whatever they "think" a man wants them to be, or whatever a man says he likes in a woman. But what they dont' realize is that a lot of times men marry the woman that makes him FEEL good. She does something or brings something to his life that enhances it in his mind. I've noticed that a lot of men have married women who weren't what they said their "type" was.

So ladies...don't try to change yourself for a man. He'll probably eventually see right through your "act" anyway. Just BE YOURSELF! And if a man doesn't like you being "yourself", then he probably wasn't the right man for you anyway. Trust me, a LOT of guys have liked me in the past that I wouldn't have thought would like me. I didn't fit the "mold" of what I would imagine them to like. So, honestly....a lot of times men don't realize what they want until they have it. Seriously!

 

[gabulldawg]

*subscribing* Great thread op!

What I've learned from my brothers (I have 6 of them):

-Looks matter

-If a man doesn't ask you out it's because he's not interested enough to try. That's it. Period. Not even shyness stops them.

-Let them chase you. They only appreciate what they worked hard to get.

SO true, esp the bolded. My DH is a pretty shy guy, but he did what he had to do to get me. So being shy is NOT a valid excuse for a man to not ask you out, ladies!

 

[MaintaintheSexy]

BUMPING FOR MORE RESPONSES!!!!!!

 

[alundra]

I hate to bump an old thread, but one thing I've learned was that if you have problems with a man and need advice, ask a man. If you have problems with women, ask other women.

 

[ThickHair]

I have learned from my FH, that men know in a very short time span if they want to marry you or not. He also told me out of his own mouth that he is a very simple man who only has a few basic needs, because he wants to make sure that I receive all of my wants in addition to my needs.

 

[zzirvingj]

I hate to bump an old thread, but one thing I've learned was that if you have problems with a man and need advice, ask a man. If you have problems with women, ask other women.

In my experience, women often give totally different advice than a man would in the same situation. We just think differently. I'm also finding that we tend to overanalyze alot of things that "just aren't that serious" to them...but then again, that's just been me and my personal experiences/observations.

 

[mrselle]

Well, me and this person were in a relationship of sorts, but he taught me almost everything I know about men. We had VERY candid conversations about men and relationships. One of the things he told me is that "it's not all about looks." I used to think that men always wanted the drop dead, knock out body girls and those were the women they stayed faithful to. Not so. He would point to his head and say, "It's all about what's up here." It took me a few years to figure it out, but I finally got it. Another thing he taught me is that when a man wants a woman to leave him alone he knows how to get her to really leave him alone....no calling, coming over to the house, etc... If a man tells you that he doesn't know why "she" keeps calling he's lying. There are a few exceptions, but for the most part, if a man doesn't want to be bothered with you then he won't be.

 

[zzirvingj]

This is from what one of my close guy friends told me when we got into a conversation about what men often find women are lacking:

a brain

No but seriously, what he told me was "to have something to talk about. Something intelligent. You absolutely 'must' know what's going on around you and in the world today. Not just what happened on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Way too many women just don't have anything....ANY....THING of real substance to talk about. Real, respectable men need to be able to hold a real conversation with their woman."

That stuck with me...and of course, that may be his personal preference because I dated a guy once years ago that didn't have anything to talk about, and that ended up being a huge issue for me. You definitely do not have to be Albert Einstein or a politician to keep my interest, but you do have to have an opinion about something at least sometimes, and be interested in asking questions to generate thought-provoking conversation. Have more to talk about than the latest chain or ring you're buying yourself (okay, rant over lol)

 

[zzirvingj]

^^So true! I agree with everything that has been said on this board.

I have learned SOOO much about men in just the past 2 years. I had so many misconceptions! I guess growing up without a brother or any father figures in my life contributed to that.

Anyway, something else some guy friends of mine told me not too recently that kind of surprised me is:

Men looove compliments from women. Compliments go a LONG way they say. I was a little surprised because I usually don't take out the time to compliment men. I guess we're so used to trying to make sure that our men (or men in general) don't get a "big head" or think he's "all that" so we have to make sure to "put him in his place" or prove to him that he's "NOT all that" so we get used to putting down our men, ignoring them, or belittling their accomplishments.

But honestly, I think this only brings men further down. It doesn't make them appeal to a woman who is like that. I completely agree that men have feelings and emotions just like women. They're just not as emotional. I used to think that men were super tough and could handle ANY type of verbal or emotional abuse. But now I see that men are more sensitive than we think. Their egos are more fragile than ours.

I REALLY see a better difference with men when I appeal more to my feminine side. Seriously...it's like a night/day change!

I'm naturally a very modest person....but I must give myself credit in that I am pretty good at giving guys complements. One guy I used to date I never knew who much he appreciated them because he seemed to not have much of a reaction to the things I said. But after we stopped dating he was telling me some of the things he missed, and that was one of the first things he mentioned; that I was always paying him some sort of complement on how nice he looked that day, or how he smelled good, or how he was good at doing such-and-such. It wasn't until after things ended that he admitted how much he appreciated and missed that.

 

[phynestone]

^^^^I've definitely made many a man blush because I complimented them. They would start beaming and chests would poke out a little bit, like a child's. It was the cutest thing.

What my mother has told me - men like strong women, and by strong, not giving in easily and having a mind of your own. Don't be too agreeable. I'm seeing major results in such a short period of time b/c I'm not accomodating anymore. It's so nice to get back to the old me.

 

[Lovelylife]

This is from what one of my close guy friends told me when we got into a conversation about what men often find women are lacking:

a brain

No but seriously, what he told me was "to have something to talk about. Something intelligent. You absolutely 'must' know what's going on around you and in the world today. Not just what happened on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Way too many women just don't have anything....ANY....THING of real substance to talk about. Real, respectable men need to be able to hold a real conversation with their woman."

That stuck with me...and of course, that may be his personal preference because I dated a guy once years ago that didn't have anything to talk about, and that ended up being a huge issue for me. You definitely do not have to be Albert Einstein or a politician to keep my interest, but you do have to have an opinion about something at least sometimes, and be interested in asking questions to generate thought-provoking conversation. Have more to talk about than the latest chain or ring you're buying yourself (okay, rant over lol)

I think most women are smart, they just act dumb on purpose.

 

[deltagyrl]

Cute thread.

 

[ellebelle88]

This is from what one of my close guy friends told me when we got into a conversation about what men often find women are lacking:

a brain

No but seriously, what he told me was "to have something to talk about. Something intelligent. You absolutely 'must' know what's going on around you and in the world today. Not just what happened on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Way too many women just don't have anything....ANY....THING of real substance to talk about. Real, respectable men need to be able to hold a real conversation with their woman."

That stuck with me...and of course, that may be his personal preference because I dated a guy once years ago that didn't have anything to talk about, and that ended up being a huge issue for me. You definitely do not have to be Albert Einstein or a politician to keep my interest, but you do have to have an opinion about something at least sometimes, and be interested in asking questions to generate thought-provoking conversation. Have more to talk about than the latest chain or ring you're buying yourself (okay, rant over lol)

When I am around men who I don't wanna date seriously, I talk a mile a minute, but when I get around that one dude who makes my heart melt or who I think is much more intelligent than me, it seems as though I can't even form a sentence. I can barely think straight. I don't know what the heck is going on. I think its a confidence thing.

But the minute that happens, I notice that they start to lose interest. Whatever you do ladies, come up with SOMETHING to talk about.

 

[luthiengirlie]

my "big brother" said two things to me" You are the prize don't flip it around as to where they make it THEY'RE THE PRIZE thent hey hold power in the relationship"

and 2. the one who cares least has the most power

I know because i've always cared a little bit more in the relationships

 

[zzirvingj]

When I am around men who I don't wanna date seriously, I talk a mile a minute, but when I get around that one dude who makes my heart melt or who I think is much more intelligent than me, it seems as though I can't even form a sentence. I can barely think straight. I don't know what the heck is going on. I think its a confidence thing.

But the minute that happens, I notice that they start to lose interest. Whatever you do ladies, come up with SOMETHING to talk about.

This is interesting...do you think it really has everything to do with you not being able to hold a conversation?

Or could it be your demeanor changes when you feel that a man is smarter than you..does your confidence level drop and does it show? Perhaps if you're not saying anything they interpret that as a lack of interest in them and that's why you don't hear back from them (it's not necessarily that 'they' lost interest in 'you')?

 

[*SkolarStar*]

I agree with your whole statement especially this statement. My older bro, his friend and I were having a discussion and his friend asked him would he ever get with a woman that he didn't find attractive. His answer 'never' and his friend asked even if he met all his other standards. My bro was like I'd never know because if I'm not attracted to them they're automatic friends. I've heard similar things from other men, including my twin and dad. I think women have more leeway regarding looks.

things they've told me

Most men don't just want to be your friend. (I know it's not true for every woman but it's been my experience)

Men and women can't simply be friends if they're attracted to each other.

If he's not willing to treat you with respect then he's not worth it at all. No use pining over him, not worth your time.

My brothers said that since I'm a woman I shouldn't ever have to pay for anything when I go out.

Things I learned
It's not only women that get really hurt in relationships, it's men too. They might not be able to express it the same but they hurt as deeply. Also, I think they need to talk about their feelings but they often don't.

If a man can't treat me as well as my bros or my dad, they aren't worth my time.

I LOVE THIS LINE! I've never seen my dad be affectionate with my mom so I never knew what love really should look like. I realize that my bro is figuring out how to be a better SO to his gf. My main thing to look for when I come in contact with THE ONE, is that he shows his love for me so my children can see it too.

 

[janiebaby]

Respect doesn't always equate to withholding sex. Men respect people and women based on their status and how people/women can elevate that man's status.

Men want to be around people that want but don't need them. They feel uncomfortable being placed on pedestals when they haven't earned it.

If a man doesn't help out when you're in need then he doesn't want to be serious with you and is withholding help so that you won't get the wrong impression (that he wants to be serious with you). This can also apply to other things as well like being seen out in public, meeting his family, etc.

Men want to be listened to, they don't like to be dismissed.

Men are often surprised when women do half of the crazy stuff they ask them to do.

Men do buy into the whole romance movies thing....just the parts where women are doing things for the men. They actually often get alot of their ideas of what they think women like from movies as well...porn movies...just not the romantic movies

 

[janiebaby]

^^^^I've definitely made many a man blush because I complimented them. They would start beaming and chests would poke out a little bit, like a child's. It was the cutest thing.

What my mother has told me - men like strong women, and by strong, not giving in easily and having a mind of your own. Don't be too agreeable. I'm seeing major results in such a short period of time b/c I'm not accomodating anymore. It's so nice to get back to the old me.

Can you tell me more about not being agreeable and accomodating? I need this in every relationship I'm in not just romantic.

 

[phynestone]

Can you tell me more about not being agreeable and accomodating? I need this in every relationship I'm in not just romantic.

Well, speaking from my experience, not always going along to get along. Yes, pick and choose your battles wisely, but remember that you have a voice and it matters. It has value. (my supervisor told me this a few mos. ago)

By accomodating, I mean, always being super understanding when plans fall through, slowly becoming a ride-or-die chick, that sort of thing. Men test us and if we fail, it opens the door to contempt. The little things turn into bigger problems. Set a standard and stick to it. If he's an upstanding man, he will understand if you are cautious. If not, throw him back.

If you are too agreeable and accomodating, people will think you don't have a mind of your own and will begin to disrespect you. Folks know who they can and can't 'try' with that mess. There are times you should ignore certain issue and there are definitely times when you should speak up. I have noticed that in my personal and professional life, whenever I didn't speak up about something said or done to me that was very disrespectful, those same folks became contemptuous of me and felt I wasn't worthy of respect because I didn't show via my actions that I WAS worthy of respect.

I hope this helps. I have a tendency to get off on tangents and ramble about stuff irrelevant to the discussion at hand.

 

[janiebaby]

Thanks alot! ^^^^