Supervixen
Well-Known Member
Ladies, share some of your relationship lessons learned. Some things you've learned that you think other ladies should NOT repeat.
Relationship Lessons Learned
- Thread starter Supervixen
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Supervixen
Well-Known Member
My parents tried to tell me, but I thought they were just out of touch. I've seen this play out a lot over the years and most recently it just happened with a family member. Said family does not take advice, so I never offered it up:
When dating, a man will be with a woman that has her **** together in terms of money, career successes when he doesn't. But, once he gets his **** even a little together, he's out.
Shortly, I've never seen a woman > man relationship last after they became woman = man or woman < man.
Ergo, it ain't worth it to date a man banking on his potential. You'll come out having dusted him off, fixing his credit, helping him study for exams, letting him use your car/home, offering a lot of resources to him for some other woman to benefit whenever your investment starts paying off.
When dating, a man will be with a woman that has her **** together in terms of money, career successes when he doesn't. But, once he gets his **** even a little together, he's out.
Shortly, I've never seen a woman > man relationship last after they became woman = man or woman < man.
Ergo, it ain't worth it to date a man banking on his potential. You'll come out having dusted him off, fixing his credit, helping him study for exams, letting him use your car/home, offering a lot of resources to him for some other woman to benefit whenever your investment starts paying off.
lesedi
All is well with me
Don't give up your life to improve his. Keep your hobbies, work towards your dreams/goals, Go out with your girls, don't just have 'couple friends'...BE A LITTLE BUSY!
In my early 20s I made a man my everything and it left me with nothing. Upgraded him whilst downgrading my damn self. I see so many young women doing this.
In my early 20s I made a man my everything and it left me with nothing. Upgraded him whilst downgrading my damn self. I see so many young women doing this.
movingforward13
I do what I want...
If a man can cheat on his wife, that means he is selfish and he will cheat on you too.
Don't entertain any married man- not even ones with the "separated" status. Let him handled his business, finalize the divorce and have at least a year of rebounding.. I mean healing time.
The first time you caught him lying, start wondering what else has he lied about.
Sometimes you have to end and walk away from a relationship so that the other person can see you are serious and make changes. Only attempt this once though. If they don't change after you come back, walk away for good.
Don't entertain any married man- not even ones with the "separated" status. Let him handled his business, finalize the divorce and have at least a year of rebounding.. I mean healing time.
The first time you caught him lying, start wondering what else has he lied about.
Sometimes you have to end and walk away from a relationship so that the other person can see you are serious and make changes. Only attempt this once though. If they don't change after you come back, walk away for good.
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
hmmmm. im going to post outside of the box a bit here, because i am not sure if my relationship lessons will be pertinent to the average woman. i could give some general rule of thumb smart tips, but i think this thread would be more interesting with things you learned about yourself in/from relationships.
what i have learned:
i can pretty much always call him back if i want to. what im stressing on this distance for? youll be back.
guys seem to be more comfortable with me when im not doing anything than when im working toward something.
those little heat of the moment blow up fights that to me are just venting frustration come across as HUGE "bad dog!
" watershed moments for guys 
and have resulted in me torpedoing several otherwise pleasant relationships
men are so insecure. so, so, so very insecure.
no matter how much i try to get in their heads, Men Are Not Girls
some of the things you think might make you compatible with a man might not matter as much as you think (example: i used to put a huge premium on being able to have intellectual conversations with a guy. and on some levels that was very important to me. but i also dated a guy that i could not really "talk" to and it really did not matter, our approach to romantic relationships complemented each other in other, maybe more important, ways. i did not realize until then i was not giving guys a chance to see how we might complement when i would dismiss them over surface things that i thought would tell me the same thing, and maybe don't.)
girls magazines in my youth beat you over the head with the fact that no matter what men like confident women. well, that was before i knew there was advice for ww and advice for bw. ww needed that advice because they are also horribly insecure. i did not need that advice. i am too confident. my confidence is overwhelming. and it works against me.
i apparently give really good blowjobs. i have always been told this but i hesitated to brag about it, figuring tons of other girls must be able to as well. i no longer believe the margins are that wide
you will never get further with a man by talking than you will be shutting up, when it comes to conversation. just shut up and see what he comes up with.
i need to be most careful of guys who grow on me, and, in fact, the partner i want will probably be a guy i wasnt that into at first. i didn't think i was the type before. but i need to be more open to guys that arent on my radar because i am capable of having my mind changed. some women arent, i think.
it is possible to overthink this whole thing. and maybe im scared of seeing what would happen if i chose not to care.
men are stupid. they have very limited emotional range, and any feelings they cant relate to = a woman is crazy. because men are stupid, and very limited. i dont care about its "infantilizing" them, or they should be held to the same standards as women. theyre ****ing stupid.
if you crush his self esteem he is going to withdraw from you and never feel like he can trust you. the trick is though, that any tiny thing that you arent even thinking about can crush his fragile fragile ego
and men are very ridiculous. they can have a crazy unique 100% worthwhile relationship with you and then when its over deny it all, because theyre pathetic.
the first big lesson i learned about relationships is that a guy has no problem wasting his time with a woman he doesnt really want, hoping something better will find him. we think "why bother if you dont really like me" but they dont. that was an eye opener. but i dont even care about that anymore.
what i have learned:
i can pretty much always call him back if i want to. what im stressing on this distance for? youll be back.
guys seem to be more comfortable with me when im not doing anything than when im working toward something.
those little heat of the moment blow up fights that to me are just venting frustration come across as HUGE "bad dog!
" watershed moments for guys and have resulted in me torpedoing several otherwise pleasant relationshipsmen are so insecure. so, so, so very insecure.
no matter how much i try to get in their heads, Men Are Not Girls
some of the things you think might make you compatible with a man might not matter as much as you think (example: i used to put a huge premium on being able to have intellectual conversations with a guy. and on some levels that was very important to me. but i also dated a guy that i could not really "talk" to and it really did not matter, our approach to romantic relationships complemented each other in other, maybe more important, ways. i did not realize until then i was not giving guys a chance to see how we might complement when i would dismiss them over surface things that i thought would tell me the same thing, and maybe don't.)
girls magazines in my youth beat you over the head with the fact that no matter what men like confident women. well, that was before i knew there was advice for ww and advice for bw. ww needed that advice because they are also horribly insecure. i did not need that advice. i am too confident. my confidence is overwhelming. and it works against me.
i apparently give really good blowjobs. i have always been told this but i hesitated to brag about it, figuring tons of other girls must be able to as well. i no longer believe the margins are that wide
you will never get further with a man by talking than you will be shutting up, when it comes to conversation. just shut up and see what he comes up with.
i need to be most careful of guys who grow on me, and, in fact, the partner i want will probably be a guy i wasnt that into at first. i didn't think i was the type before. but i need to be more open to guys that arent on my radar because i am capable of having my mind changed. some women arent, i think.
it is possible to overthink this whole thing. and maybe im scared of seeing what would happen if i chose not to care.
men are stupid. they have very limited emotional range, and any feelings they cant relate to = a woman is crazy. because men are stupid, and very limited. i dont care about its "infantilizing" them, or they should be held to the same standards as women. theyre ****ing stupid.
if you crush his self esteem he is going to withdraw from you and never feel like he can trust you. the trick is though, that any tiny thing that you arent even thinking about can crush his fragile fragile ego
and men are very ridiculous. they can have a crazy unique 100% worthwhile relationship with you and then when its over deny it all, because theyre pathetic.
the first big lesson i learned about relationships is that a guy has no problem wasting his time with a woman he doesnt really want, hoping something better will find him. we think "why bother if you dont really like me" but they dont. that was an eye opener. but i dont even care about that anymore.
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
one that i am trying to get a lesson on is, why the **** are yall texting me? like what do you want? you have nothing to talk about. youre not trying to come over or have me come over. ytf are you texting me? what is the point to this? go read a book. i dont understand this.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
1) Learn to trust yourself. Trust that little feeling that keeps coming up, that uneasy feeling. Sometimes you have to make decisions on that alone because waiting for concrete evidence can sometimes take a long time if the guy is very intelligent/sneaky/cunning.
2) Don't keep having the same conversation over and over. Just stfu and see what happens. Then you take whatever action you need to take based on reality.
3) Focus on having common values and goals over common interests. A guy who likes yoga and wine tastings can still break your heart.
4) Watch for congruency in words and actions. When the two consistently don't line up, something is usually wrong.
5) Build yourself a loving network of smart, caring, dependable women. Get rid of friends that are jealous, suck you dry, don't have your best interest at heart.
6) Create a life that you love and don't put aside your life for any man no matter how handsome or charming.
7) Build faith in yourself and the universe.
2) Don't keep having the same conversation over and over. Just stfu and see what happens. Then you take whatever action you need to take based on reality.
3) Focus on having common values and goals over common interests. A guy who likes yoga and wine tastings can still break your heart.
4) Watch for congruency in words and actions. When the two consistently don't line up, something is usually wrong.
5) Build yourself a loving network of smart, caring, dependable women. Get rid of friends that are jealous, suck you dry, don't have your best interest at heart.
6) Create a life that you love and don't put aside your life for any man no matter how handsome or charming.
7) Build faith in yourself and the universe.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Also when not sure about a guy, focus on the bad he is doing vs trying to balance things out between the good and bad. If he's cheating but is very generous it doesn't matter. If he is a great lover and emotionally unavailable it doesn't matter. If he lies a lot but has a really sweet personality it doesn't matter. See where I'm going with this? The good stuff is the hook to keep you hoping for more. Unhook yourself. You are not a fish.
chocolat79
Well-Known Member
1) When a man wants you, it's evident. There is no wondering and he'll make his intentions known obviously and quickly.
2) If you break up for a good reason, stay broken up and leave it there. Back and forth just wastes precious time you could be using to find someone better.
3) Make sure that your partner will let you be you without changing or them wanting you to change.
4) This is one for anyone over 30 and it's something that one of my BFF's told me one of her (cheating) guy friends told her: If he still hasn't gotten himself together by age 30, what has he been doing all that time?
2) If you break up for a good reason, stay broken up and leave it there. Back and forth just wastes precious time you could be using to find someone better.
3) Make sure that your partner will let you be you without changing or them wanting you to change.
4) This is one for anyone over 30 and it's something that one of my BFF's told me one of her (cheating) guy friends told her: If he still hasn't gotten himself together by age 30, what has he been doing all that time?
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movingforward
Moving forward and onward
AMEN! To all of this!!!
The guy and I did break up. BUT the moment I left his life, permanently, EVERYTHING I've done and gotten him was reverse. He lost his car, job, various people did not respect him anymore (our breakup was dirty), etc.
In other words, he lost everything.....I take no joy in it......that was a lot of hard work to build/help etc that man up.
I will never do that again! He needs to be complete in certain areas.
movingforward
Moving forward and onward
The first 3 months are perfect.....their suppose to be perfect. Pay attention to him after the "newness" wears off. Pay attention to the foundation of your (dating) relationship.
KidneyBean86
Southern sweetheart
When you have to ask "what are we" it usually means you mean nothing to him. Just got this tidbit from my uncle: When a man wants you, he'll move heaven and earth and a few other people out the way so he can have you.
Lesson I learned: Never be afraid to call a man out on his BS. When you accept everything, he'll do anything...
Lesson I learned: Never be afraid to call a man out on his BS. When you accept everything, he'll do anything...
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
Love this!
sweetvi
Well-Known Member
I was the type to be non confrontational and passive. Young ladies.i beg you...nevet never never do this
CaraWalker
Well-Known Member
i have learned that i dont necessarily believe this. ive had it happen and had guys sweat me like that but in general... this is a common rule that im discounting.
Godsdaughter001
Well-Known Member
As women, we teach men how to treat us by the way we carry ourselves, and the boundaries that we set. If you carry yourself with respect (in your speech, dress, conduct, etc.), a man will follow suit and treat you with respect. If you let a man get away with disrespecting you in any way, shape or form - you have laid the foundation for your relationship and future occurrences.
Always let a man pay, open your door, be chivalrous. Never take that privilege away from him. You deserve to be treated that way.
Don't get all your advice about men from women. Find and talk to some good men who you trust to give you honest, thoughtful feedback.
Never share your intimate relationship issues with anyone except your dh or s/o. Keep home business in the home. No one else needs to know (unless abuse is going on...otherwise, no).
**When I was younger, I would tell all my relationship issues to my bff (so I thought). Not only was she telling every Tom, Dick, and Harpo my business, but she even went so far as to advise me to call off my engagement (I was engaged to dh at the time) due to something very minor me and dh was going through. Same bff was married to a serial cheater and never once considered leaving him. That was my wake up call.**
Always let a man pay, open your door, be chivalrous. Never take that privilege away from him. You deserve to be treated that way.
Don't get all your advice about men from women. Find and talk to some good men who you trust to give you honest, thoughtful feedback.
Never share your intimate relationship issues with anyone except your dh or s/o. Keep home business in the home. No one else needs to know (unless abuse is going on...otherwise, no).
**When I was younger, I would tell all my relationship issues to my bff (so I thought). Not only was she telling every Tom, Dick, and Harpo my business, but she even went so far as to advise me to call off my engagement (I was engaged to dh at the time) due to something very minor me and dh was going through. Same bff was married to a serial cheater and never once considered leaving him. That was my wake up call.**
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prettywingsx
Well-Known Member
Pay attention to his family's and/or culture's values.
I'm not a "only men from two parent homes" type of person but I've noticed a theme of where he comes from and what those around him value can be reflected in him. (And I don't mean only look at his family situation growing up, but overall/in general)
I'm not a "only men from two parent homes" type of person but I've noticed a theme of where he comes from and what those around him value can be reflected in him. (And I don't mean only look at his family situation growing up, but overall/in general)
prettywingsx
Well-Known Member
Defer to him paying/providing.
It usually works out better for women in the long run (you aren't funding some losers life or have someone around who doesn't have to invest anything in being with you). You know you can provide for yourself, no need to prove it to a man. Plus my thought is that I can hang with myself for free, I'm not paying to be around you.
Related, avoid stingy men. for me, I value generosity. What may come across as budget conscious in the beginning will quickly become obvious a man does not want to spend money on you or doesn't have his money together (& probably shouldn't be dating). Either way, get out. It's annoying in the long run.
It usually works out better for women in the long run (you aren't funding some losers life or have someone around who doesn't have to invest anything in being with you). You know you can provide for yourself, no need to prove it to a man. Plus my thought is that I can hang with myself for free, I'm not paying to be around you.
Related, avoid stingy men. for me, I value generosity. What may come across as budget conscious in the beginning will quickly become obvious a man does not want to spend money on you or doesn't have his money together (& probably shouldn't be dating). Either way, get out. It's annoying in the long run.
DO NOT WASTE YO TIME ON A MAN THAT DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!!!!!
love yourself...put you FIRST! that means value you, your happiness and well being comes first- if he is not making you happy or adding value to your life, treating you RIGHT. LEAVE. LOVE yourself enough to VALUE your self WORTH.
love yourself...put you FIRST! that means value you, your happiness and well being comes first- if he is not making you happy or adding value to your life, treating you RIGHT. LEAVE. LOVE yourself enough to VALUE your self WORTH.
giigii613
Well-Known Member
Marry him if he loves you more than you love him. If anybody has to be the sucka in the relationship, it shall be him.
A man who loves you more than you love him, will constantly go above and beyond to please you and make you happy.
I know you're joking with this statement but there are people who really feel like showing their love is being played in someway. Especially men, and it grates my nerves. My thoughts are if a relationship evolves to marriage- love goes in cycles. At any given time for the relationship to continue to work someone must be showing and giving of their love more than the other. It's not being a fool, it's putting in the work to make sure you have a loving partnership. The problem arises when a party in the relationship takes advantage or is not appreciative of the love being shown/received.
Here is another lesson: There should always be a flow of appreciation and generosity within the relationship.
melisandre
Well-Known Member
When you're in a good relationship, it's easy. You don't have waste time trying to figure him out, interpret his words / actions, wonder about this or that, etc. You don't have to try. It just flows naturally.
Supervixen
Well-Known Member
Dyckmatized, being stupid/crazy in love, is NOT a good thing.
UniquelyDivine
Well-Known Member
1. Listen to your intuition, IT WILL NEVER EVER steer you wrong.
2. Never let him get too comfortable or think he's irreplaceable
3. Keep yourself cute FOR YOU, the worst feeling is looking up one day and wondering where "you" went.
4. Always have a "fck you account"
5. Make him earn your forgiveness, but only if he deserves it.
6. Don't vent to family and friends, they'll hate him and you'll be back booed up and in love.
7. Don't limit your circle for him, unless they're toxic you should still foster & cultivate relationships with your friends, keep a sense of independence.
8. Don't be all about him all the time, it's ok to be a little bit selfish sometimes.
2. Never let him get too comfortable or think he's irreplaceable
3. Keep yourself cute FOR YOU, the worst feeling is looking up one day and wondering where "you" went.
4. Always have a "fck you account"
5. Make him earn your forgiveness, but only if he deserves it.
6. Don't vent to family and friends, they'll hate him and you'll be back booed up and in love.
7. Don't limit your circle for him, unless they're toxic you should still foster & cultivate relationships with your friends, keep a sense of independence.
8. Don't be all about him all the time, it's ok to be a little bit selfish sometimes.
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