Ordering Lobster On The First Date

[PatTodd]

Really even if it were a pricey restaurant that he suggested? I guess I just don't understand why a women would fear a man thinking she was trying to take advantage of him over a meal . I mean I could see if you asked dude to pay your mortgage or something, but a meal.....

I personally don't think it makes a good impression to order something pricey like lobster or caviar on the first date. That's why I said, if I don't care about the impression, and I just want to eat I would order what I wanted in my dating days.

Conversely, though, I once went out with this verrry corny mug who told me "Feel free to order whatever you want..." as if to say "I'm a big shot, I can afford it, and otherwise your poor little timid self wouldn't know what to do unless I told you." I looked at him like he was crazy. Was I supposed to be impressed? Thinking of course I am going to order what I want. If you don't have enough money I guess you'll be busting suds.

I don't remember what I ordered, but it might have been lobster. I don't think I went out with him more than once after that (I obviously didn't like him but it was a hookup so I felt somewhat obligated).

 

[MzLady78]

First of all, that story is hilarious. Secondly, with the online dating thing, I think the first meeting should always be coffee or something quick, cheap/free and informal with no romantic connotations. That way nobody is out of pocket, nobody feels used and nobody has to sit through a 2 hour dinner when you know after the first 5 minutes it ain't a match. I wouldnt consider it an actual date, unless we've been communicating online or on the phone for some time and have already developed some kind of rapport and real interest. A good guy could go broke online dating regularly and never see the person again. But you better buy my coffee

I agree.

I made the mistake of planning dinner and a movie with a guy I met online.

He was so different looking from him picture that I let him walk by me 3 times, cause I was like "that can NOT be him". He was much cuter in his pic and he looked like he just rolled out of bed and threw something on, while I was looking cute.

The convo was terrible and I was absolutely miserable. I was like there is no way I'm going anywhere else with this dude. I excused myself, went to the bathroom and told my girl to call me in a hour (I wanted my steak first, damn it). She called me pretending to be little sister who was locked out the house.

I felt kinda bad but not really.

 

[Islandspyce]

Really even if it were a pricey restaurant that he suggested? I guess I just don't understand why a women would fear a man thinking she was trying to take advantage of him over a meal . I mean I could see if you asked dude to pay your mortgage or something, but a meal.....

I don't get that mentality either! Enjoy your dinner already! That's almost as bad as those who feel some sense of sexual obligation just because the guy paid for an expensive meal. WTH???? nono:

I don't agree with ordering something you don't want just to "test" him somehow, but I don't think the price of a meal is that serious to worry about, nor does it reflect badly in any way to order a pricey entree if that is what you have a taste for.

 

[MissJ]

I wouldnt order lobster on the first date. I have never went dutch on a date. Women do that?

I did, and I got stuck with a gold digger.

Don't do it, ladies!!!!!

 

[QUINN]

Saw this topic for the first time last night. My SO and I were reading the board. He said he wouldn't have a problem with paying for whatever a first date ordered. He says if he offered to take a girl out and there was lobster on the menu and that's what she wanted, he expects her to get it. He also said he doesn't do it expecting to get booty!

I have ordered lobster on a first date, but it was my birthday.

I generally wouldn't order lobster on a first date, but I don't really see anything wrong with that.

 

[TayMac]

I wouldn't because I don't eat lobster. I don't order the most expensive things on the menu..but I do order what I want and something that I'm fairly sure I'll like.

If you don't even eat lobster, then I think you might end up looking silly if you a) don't know how to eat b) don't like it. Also if I was the man, I would think hmmm maybe she doesn't go out much (or isn't used to nice things)since she feels the need to get one of the more pricier items on the menu.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I understand the history behind it and also think if a woman is using that to assess a man's ability to "afford her" she will be miserably disappointed.

I remember going out with my husband on dates when we first met. He was consulting and was out of town Monday through Thursday. We would go out on the weekends. Initially he took me to this restaurant and that restaurant and about 3 weeks in he said to me (still makes me laugh when I think about it) "Just need you to know, every time we go out won't be at a restaurant. We may be eating Domino's or McDonald's some days".

Fast forward 2 children later - if we eat out we look at each other like "you paying, are YOU paying?" We have the majority of our money go into a family account and then we both have our own personal spending accounts which we use to pay for our personal items, work lunches, gas, etc.

More important to me than a man paying for dinner was me observing how he managed his finances and how he was living while we dated. Sure he can pay for my dinner, yet his cell phone is off b/c he didn't pay the bill - what does THAT really say? He always looking for "da hook up" and trying to get out of paying his bill by finding a problem with the food and sending it back when there is only 1 bite left on the plate. That tells me WAY more than a man simply paying for dinner on our first date.

That is why, if I were back in the dating scene I would have no problem paying for my meal on a first date - he don't really know me and I do not really know him so keep it relaxed and fun. Plus, even before I met my husband - I wasn't going out on dates thinking "this is the one". I went out on a dates b/c I thought he was fine, cute and interesting and wanted to hang out with the person.

QUOTE=redRiot;4539441]I speaking of "courting" in old fashioned terms and how dating/marriage is approached in the Western world. You conciously or subconciously choose a mate based on a connection physically and emotionally...but also financially. Courting in the Western world has been a way for the man to show that he can provide financially. Granted, we're talking about dinner, but those customs have a history related to the idea of "courting" or competition for a woman's affection.

It's not that deep in the 21st century, but those of us who expect a man to pay on the first date are speaking of men we are trying to get to know on a deeper level. It's like a man saying, look...let me show you a good time on my dime, let me show you that I don't mind "taking care" of you.

As far as "breadwinner" that ties into tradition and courting. I'm just going on why the man has been expected to pay when courting a woman based on gender roles.

Going dutch seems to be more common outside of the US, so it's not to say a woman is "settling" if she feels most comfortable with that route. On dates I always pull out my wallet when the check comes, and often the man refuses and picks up the tab. This happens 99% of the time, so it's expected. The few times I ended paying for myself felt very odd after that. It's the men who seem to set the standard for other males.

[/quote]

That's not what I'm doing at all. Those of us who expect a man to pay the first date were taught that this is how a man courts a woman. We've had men who have told us this as well. I don't expect a fancy restaurant, if anything most guys have been out of all of $25 on a first date with myself. I don't judge any man by how much he spends on me, but simply that he recognizes this tradition, as most men do. Perhaps it's cultural? Any guy that I've dated seriously has insisted on paying for the first couple of dates. It's never been an issue with guys I was actually into and serious about. Even if I try to pay, they turn it down.

In my last post I stated that I don't expect a meal the whole time we're together. Once it's official, we can cook, I'll pay sometimes, he can pay sometimes, we can do pizza, burgers...etc... But if a man asks me out on a date, I expect him to pay. I seriously have always been told this is how it's done, and that's what I stick to...haven't had much of a problem yet.

 

[Seeking8Rights]

^^^ RedRiot:

So, answer this question for me please:

Why at the point of being official is when it becomes acceptable for "casual" dining arrangements?

So, more weight is put on "courting" stages?

What if a an wants to date you, however, his funds are kind of tight and cannot afford at that time to pay for your meal? Does that mean, he doesn't get a date since it goes against "tradition"?

 

[Coolata]

Some women will run game like this....just because. It is not necessary to start the friendship in this matter the tables can turn on her and how would she feel when game is ran on her?? This is childish, silly and pointless...what is she trying to achieve?

ON another note, I LOVE LOBSTER. I recall the first time I had lobster. I was ona first date. He picked me up in one of his Mercedes. He drove me in to NYC. He suggested dinner before we the broadway show (Dreamgirls). I was young and keeping it simple. He suggested lobster...I told him I had never had lobster and he said that night would be my first. I loved it. As a matter of fact, my dh treats me on birthdays, Mother's Day, Valentine's or whenever to my favor. Today, me and a few friends will share a belated Mother's Day together on City Island in the Bronx. We'll enjoy our favor seafood entree...and drinkie drink

When I was dating, if a gentleman asked me on a date. He paid for the complete date...ie, dinner, movie, club, drinks, etc...If we established that we would be dating and considered to be a couple...I had no problem paying for dates. It would be my treat because I knew when it was on him I would get what I wanted...and I did not take advantage.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^ RedRiot:

So, answer this question for me please:

Why at the point of being official is when it becomes acceptable for "casual" dining arrangements?

So, more weight is put on "courting" stages?

What if a an wants to date you, however, his funds are kind of tight and cannot afford at that time to pay for your meal? Does that mean, he doesn't get a date since it goes against "tradition"?

I know you were talking to RedRiot, but I'll answer as well.

I don't think that anyone's funds are so tight that they can't afford $25 for two people at Chili's. If his funds are that tight, then no, I will not date him. He doesn't need to be dating until he gets his monetary status together, IMO.

My current BF is a grad student, so we are careful with our funds and do a lot of cooking at home, etc. But he found the money to take me out on the first few dates, and still takes me out. He has a job, he can put aside the money for something that's important to him.

Our "casual" arrangement of cooking or me paying sometimes became okay when he told me that he wanted to be exclusive and be my boyfriend. Until that point though, I don't believe in "casual" dating arrangements.

 

[SEMO]

I know you were talking to RedRiot, but I'll answer as well.

I don't think that anyone's funds are so tight that they can't afford $25 for two people at Chili's. If his funds are that tight, then no, I will not date him. He doesn't need to be dating until he gets his monetary status together, IMO.

My current BF is a grad student, so we are careful with our funds and do a lot of cooking at home, etc. But he found the money to take me out on the first few dates, and still takes me out. He has a job, he can put aside the money for something that's important to him.

Our "casual" arrangement of cooking or me paying sometimes became okay when he told me that he wanted to be exclusive and be my boyfriend. Until that point though, I don't believe in "casual" dating arrangements.

I agree with everything you said. If he's too broke to date me, he's too broke for anything serious like marriage. And marriage is what I'm looking for.

Bunny, is this new guy the one you mentioned in the other thread? Gon and get girl!

 

[NYAmicas]

I agree.

I made the mistake of planning dinner and a movie with a guy I met online.

He was so different looking from him picture that I let him walk by me 3 times, cause I was like "that can NOT be him". He was much cuter in his pic and he looked like he just rolled out of bed and threw something on, while I was looking cute.

The convo was terrible and I was absolutely miserable. I was like there is no way I'm going anywhere else with this dude. I excused myself, went to the bathroom and told my girl to call me in a hour (I wanted my steak first, damn it). She called me pretending to be little sister who was locked out the house.

I felt kinda bad but not really.

Mz.Lady-you are indeed a mess!
I dont like lobster and on a first date I wouldn't be ordering things like that. At the same time if my tastes run that high, then it's best for him to know that from the get-go. I'm a steak kind of girl anyway.

 

[sky_blu]

Mayn I had to come back in here and change my answer because these guys are telling me Fridays and Macaroni Grill are upscale restaurants So tell your friend to order all the lobster she can handle because guys are trying to get everything cheaply these days. Fridays? upscale? I think I almost slapped him for the insult.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

^^^ RedRiot:

So, answer this question for me please:

Why at the point of being official is when it becomes acceptable for "casual" dining arrangements?

So, more weight is put on "courting" stages?

What if a an wants to date you, however, his funds are kind of tight and cannot afford at that time to pay for your meal? Does that mean, he doesn't get a date since it goes against "tradition"?

I live in a pretty big city, so there are plenty of ways for a guy on a tight budget to get creative with a date. I have a favorite pizza place where you can order a nice pizza to share, drinks, and sit out on a balcony to listen to live music for no more than $15. I don't buy that a guy's funds are too tight for that.

If a man is going to ask me out and show interest in me as a potential mate, why is it wrong for me to expect him to pay? I could understand if this was a new trend, but folks like my mother and grandmother were never questioned about their expectation for men to pay the first date. It was just the way things worked. But apparently my generation is expect to buck the system. I don't understand.

With men I'm just chilling with and have no intentions of a real relationship, I'll go dutch in a minute. I just went dutch a week ago with a guy I met online. I was looking to get out of the house, and so was he...we met up and had dinner...and I insisted on doing to dutch thing. I understand if some women feel going dutch is best for them, but those of us who uphold traditional standards of courting passed down to us by our elders shouldn't feel the need to explain ourselves when we've come across plenty of men who share the same outlook.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Mayn I had to come back in here and change my answer because these guys are telling me Fridays and Macaroni Grill are upscale restaurants So tell your friend to order all the lobster she can handle because guys are trying to get everything cheaply these days. Fridays? upscale? I think I almost slapped him for the insult.

Oh my. Then what the heck do they consider non upscale places?

 

[sky_blu]

Oh my. Then what the heck do they consider non upscale places?

He said Olive Garden even as I read the prices of Macaroni Grill (which are the same if not cheaper for some stuff of Olive Garden). Ugh! I'd be better off just taking myself out. Not that its about how much he spends but its like damn sometimes you want to be treated.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

He said Olive Garden even as I read the prices of Macaroni Grill (which are the same if not cheaper for some stuff of Olive Garden). Ugh! I'd be better off just taking myself out. Not that its about how much he spends but its like damn sometimes you want to be treated.

Or going out with your girls! And it definitely isn't about how much he spends. I swear, some guys don't realize that just finding a nice little cute/unique place for you two to dine will beat any "upscale" chain restaurant. At least make the lady feel treated.

 

[glamazon386]

That's just wrong.....

 

[SunySydeofLyfe]

All free ish aint good ish....my daddy says never go on a date and order something you aint got the money to pay for or want to pay for.....

 

[CurleeDST]

Well let's put it in perspective...how old are these guys? Upscale is relative and I would believe age, exposure and experience would play a part in what a person calls upscale. Olive Garden is lunch worthy and basic dinner worthy. Upscale................Morton's, Ruth Chris, Cinghiale's (love this place)............those are getting to the upscale route to me.

Mayn I had to come back in here and change my answer because these guys are telling me Fridays and Macaroni Grill are upscale restaurants So tell your friend to order all the lobster she can handle because guys are trying to get everything cheaply these days. Fridays? upscale? I think I almost slapped him for the insult.

 

[kayte]

CO-SIGNING

If it's a seafood restaurant then yeah - why not? If she really wants lobster then why not?Ordering lobster just because its the most expensive thing on the menu however, and not because you really want it is little extra. There 's no real point to be made there

CO-SIGNING

Yet what do you expect when you get asked out on a dinner date? You mean to tell me that we're going to take the time to go a restaurant and I'm not supposed to order whatever I want? I dont think so..

CO-SIGNING

If I ask someone to dinner, I expect for them to order whatever they want on the menu and I'm PREPARED to cover whatever that is. That same rule must apply for me. If she wants lobster, she should order the lobster.

ESPECIALLY.... CO-SIGNING

I get what I want on dates; I don't even consider the price.

I too am a bonified member of The I DON'T DO DUTCH EXCEPT IN HOLLAND

club which means my date happily.. joyously.. abundantly... pays for our date

 

[Blossssom]

What's wrong with ordering lobster on a first date? Is that like a no-no?

Sh**, I 'll order it on the first, second, third date and whenever the hell I want to

 

[Blossssom]

I dont think its a problem at all, I feel that some women sell themselves too short. If he asked you on a date, this isn't to say that you go with intentions of draining his pockets, but he needs to be prepared to pay for a meal, whether its the cheapest or most expensive item on the menu.
I will have you know that I ordered lobster on my first date with my boyfriend...it will be two years in November.

Thank you very much... besides, it you order a cheap dinner he won't place as much value in you or on you...

But if you order an expensive meal it lets the man know that you enjoy and expect the finer things in life because you are showing him you're worth it...

Say your guy offers to buy you some sunglasses... don't select the Liz Claibornes... grab them Guccis, girl

 

[CurleeDST]

This is funny - you are kidding right? So if you are a woman of simple taste and palate he will devalue you and your company b/c you didn't bleed his pockets dry ordering some of the more expensive things on the menu? That is seriously ghetto fabulous.

Thank you very much... besides, it you order a cheap dinner he won't place as much value in you or on you...

But if you order an expensive meal it lets the man know that you enjoy and expect the finer things in life because you are showing him you're worth it...

Say your guy offers to buy you some sunglasses... don't select the Liz Claibornes... grab them Guccis, girl

 

[Blossssom]

This is funny - you are kidding right? So if you are a woman of simple taste and palate he will devalue you and your company b/c you didn't bleed his pockets dry ordering some of the more expensive things on the menu? That is seriously ghetto fabulous.

Just seems to be part of the ongoing games that men and women play with each other, but you're right... when it comes down to men and women as simply individuals, no one's value should lie in whether they order lobster or a cheeseburger.

 

[CurleeDST]

You right - humans are sooo complex that we come up with these rules sometimes just to cope when really we have to take the man on a case by case basis. A man may pay for dinner but be a total JERK in life who disrespects his mama. Another man may have a tighter budget but is the most considerate and gentle person....depends on where people are in life when they meet plus so many other factors.

I hope everyone finds what they are looking for (whether it be lobster, money or the simple life) and not be so quick to judge but genuinely give folks a chance.

Just seems to be part of the ongoing games that men and women play with each other, but you're right... when it comes down to men and women as simply individuals, no one's value should lie in whether they order lobster or a cheeseburger.

 

[Blossssom]

Well stated, Kurl...

It's become almost impossible for me to date these days... too many rules and too many games, and I'm too old...

 

[CurleeDST]

You would be surprised, or maybe not, at how much people FRONT when they start dating to give good impressions. My girl told her now husband, at the time they met and were dating, that she wanted children, knew how to cook and knew how to keep a clean home. Well after they got married she told him she did NOT want children, has yet to confess she has maids come in to clean the home while he is at work and had to let him know she doesn't know how to cook that well.

That was low down and just WRONG! Fast forward, they now have a son and hired a live-in nanny to take care of the child. We all took our kids to the library for story time. She came with her nanny and her nanny was in circle time.

 

[Blossssom]

You would be surprised, or maybe not, at how much people FRONT when they start dating to give good impressions. My girl told her now husband, at the time they met and were dating, that she wanted children, knew how to cook and knew how to keep a clean home. Well after they got married she told him she did NOT want children, has yet to confess she has maids come in to clean the home while he is at work and had to let him know she doesn't know how to cook that well.

That was low down and just WRONG! Fast forward, they now have a son and hired a live-in nanny to take care of the child. We all took our kids to the library for story time. She came with her nanny and her nanny was in circle time.

If he wanted to he could divorce her based on fraud... that is fraud...

I don't know why people have to lie about what their intentions are or who THEY are... it's so unfair to the other party.

He could have found him someone who did want kids; cleaned house and cooked, and she could have found someone who wanted the opposite like she did.

Do you know why she defrauded him?

 

[Ms.Nigeria]

thats just too much. she needs to chill