My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[Irresistible]

Damn, I still get upset that I wasted TWO years off and on w/ dudes in the past and to know that folks are spending SEVEN years with people with NO RING?!

This thread further reminded me not to spend any more than three MONTHS w/ someone when they can't seem to commit.

Women act like we got forever and a day...

many would say here three months isnt long enough

I have learned its plenty of time to know a man's intentions , if you choose to see whats right before your eyes, cause more often than not he has already shown you the truth by then

but we think with time and some love.........

men ALREADY know what they want, we just think they dont or dont want to believe it

 

[Jas123]

one more thing and i'm leaving this thread 4ever (too upsetting)... someone stated ole boy was wrong for what he said... i don't think he was wrong he just admitted how he felt and everyone is entitled to their own feelings... the thing is now that you know how he feels what are YOU going to do?

 

[aribell]

Eh well we are feeling the effects of the economy he use to work for the auto industry hauling cars making good money and now he's not so right now planning a wedding isn't financially possible. And like I stated earlier I want my wedding a certain way. I don't think that I should have to sacrifice that for times sake (because we've been together x amount of years).

Dollbaby, as to the bold, in this case, the wedding seems to be your reason for delay, but it isn't his. And the fact that you're holding out at least appears like it's providing a cover for his ambivalence about ever getting married to you.

I can't speak from my own experience, but I can say that my father has basically shacked up with a woman for the past 8 or so years. He knows that she wants to get married and has wanted to for the longest time, but there is always some reason or another. I think the current reason is that he's focused on his children (we're both in our 20s...and aren't even in the same state or region of the country. ). Before that, it was his aunt's health, then his mother's health...they both passed away. One excuse just turns into another.

But the messed up thing is that he is completely open with me about his real intentions, or lack thereof, for his "girlfriend." He'll casually mention that he really doesn't want to get married, that there's particular things about her that he disfavors, etc. The fact of the matter is that he has no intentions of marrying her, regardless of what he says to her or what she thinks.

Now, I'm not trying to say that that is your situation. But the pattern just looks so similar. Your SO is telling you one thing that will appease you, but with others he's honest about what he's really feeling. Unless you don't believe he really meant what he said, his true feelings really were made clear, sadly.

I don't think it's in your interest to trust the reasons he's been giving you about not getting married. As other people have shown, it's not going to make a difference financially being married or not, so he should at least have to show why exactly he thinks focusing on your finances right now precludes getting married.

OP im sorry you had to go through that perhaps the fact that the only reason you are citing for not getting hitched is cause you want to be a princess in Disneyworld for a day is a tell tale sign that you are not ready OR its cause you already know that the man you want to get married to does not want to. I bet my bottom dollar that the answer is the latter. I have seen this a lot my sisters friend wanted to get married and said so countless times but her bf didnt so to appease her he said do u want to get married now or do u want me to get a bigger place and move in and we can get married in about 5 yrs, she picked number 2 and started telling everyone she isnt ready for marriage when she has been for the past 5 or so yrs. She's 35 no kids, he's in his 40's and has kids from a previous relationship
...

So Im trying to say I have seen women who try to make themselves feel better by adopting their man's state of mind and then forsaking theirs. I think you need to sit down and write what YOU want out of life and then compare it with your current situation accept the things you cannot change and do something about the ones that you can (him being one of them)

Just had to quote that to say ITA.

 

[Jade Feria]

Wow...I turn around for 5 minutes (exaggerating, it was longer than that) and this thread explodes!

OP, alot of the ladies have given you great advice. This is definitely a telling moment in your relationship. His true colors have been revealed, and as the old adage goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. The question is, what are you going to do?

 

[firecracker]

umm, NO a woman is ONLY stuck if she allows herself to be! She is 27 and Beautiful (not to say looks is all that matters but it sure helps ), wasting more time is never the answer. You can be a good mom and still drop the baby's daddy like hot cakes, and she has 2 kids NOT 10 its not like her life is over....

Go back and read WOMAN! I saiiiiidddddddd "I hope she doesn't have more than two kids" before she told us how many they had. Hell she can leave tommorrow if she really wanted and deal with even more adverse financial issues outside of unemployment.

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

You know marriage is just a piece of paper

I really, really havent noticed that the "constraints" of marriage are really stopping people from behaving like a**holes, male or female. Ive seen and heard way too much. I do think that it all comes down the persons character and I do think there are many people that work fine together without being married. Sometimes the institution of marriage is what drives men to step out.... Im cynical and I just think if you found someone trustworthy, married or not married then good for you.

 

[treybaby2005]

hmmmm!!, funny, I don't know about others ...but I get ALL that without being married.

 

[Prettyeyes]

LEAVE...AS SOON AS YOU CAN...IF HE WANTS YOU HE'LL MAKE SURE HE GETS YOU BACK...I HAVE A FEELING HE'LL JUST LET YOU GO...WE ARE GIVING YOU PEARLS OF WISDOM...DON'T BE AFRAID TO MOVE ON...BECAUSE HE WON'T BE AFRAID TO WHEN HE FINDS WHAT HE IS LOOKING FOR...

 

[Princess4real]

If that is what you believe in, more power to you and I respect that wether anyone is right or wrong. I think is a matter of lifestyle and experiences that people mold their beliefs about marriage.

You are definitely right about that.

 

[Bulletproof]

I have struggled with whether to respond or not since this was originally posted. I showed it to my significant other and he himself typed up paragraphs upon paragraphs only to delete them before responding. I have read every entry in this thread now and will start with others peoples comments and then say what I think.

If he said it to "stir up the conversation" then he would NOT have come home and repeated it the way he did. He would have prefaced it with something like ....."baby, guess what I said at the barber shop today to get the convo going....

ITA ,this is exactly how I surmise this scenario would occur if it were true that devil's advocate was being played, a caring person would have considered that an important detail to let their significant other know beforehand and would not try to make it seem in the end they don't understand your feelings, especially on something as obvious as this. So he did say it because he meant it and is just annoyed because he showed his true thoughts.

he wanted you to know his plan/secret agenda
now make yours

I believe you should definitely plan accordingly and quietly, one must protect themselves first and foremost and as a mother you must protect your children. You have been around for awhile so staying longer to make sure leaving will not cause stress on your children's life is your duty. Even if it hurts to fake it, keep in mind he was/is playing phony to you and his stringing you along while looking for what he really wants is the reason behind your plans.

Ah. So you are living like you are married, but won't get married, because the wedding is holding you back. I see.
Are you engaged, at least? I notice you called him your boyfriend and not your fiance.

Is everyone who lives with their significant other living like they are married? Just a question that reflects on what I will discuss later.

I have already been married before..."been there, done that"...to me people should get married when they want to, if they want to wait 20 years, it doesn't matter, as long as they are happy...I am not hyped up about marriage because I already know what is like and I'm living as such...especially after I married my ex after a year...he proposed on the ninth month...I left him after 3 years...Needless to say, I am a strong advocate to wait and live together as long as you need to!!
Also,
A person have many faces and I want to know all of them (this takes time) before I can devote my life to that person. I believe in family and I pray that when I have a family, we stay together!

I know Domincan09 thoughts are not popular in this thread but this particular quote from her is the truth: knowing someone before marriage to know for sure this is who you want to marry is more important than just getting down the aisle. How many times have you seen something on the news or heard stories through the grapevine of some woman shocked at her husband's behavior due to the nature of their "whirlwind romance", married within a year or two of meeting is NOT a smart path. Discovery IS. Now I think some are convoluting direction of relationship, intentions, commitment and viability with marriage. Yes you should know if this person is serious about you and committed after a year, yes you should have at least discussed marriage and what you need out of one if you have dated that long and if that person has not introduced you to important people in their life as THEIR significant other then yes you should leave because you are not in a relationship with direction. But would you tell a 21 year old who has been dating her b/f since high school, why don't you have a ring yet? I would hope not as she would still be a young lady just discovering who she is, which will radically change over the years. If any of you will say you were not different that much then please reminisce shortly on who you were when you were 17 and who you were at 23 and tell me are those 2 people twins, not likely, more like sisters or cousins but not the same person at all. Now I do believe the OP HAS invested adequate amounts of time to know, though it may remain unspoken, his true intentions in their relationship. I was just addressing this broad sweeping thought that 1-2 years and a couple should be married.

I very much so doubt men are having these conversation in sports forums lol.

Interestingly enough they really do.

Just my two cents: I won't judge somebody's living situation -- it could very well be that a 7 year cohabitation, kids and wall, could work perfectly well for somebody, if that's truly what you both want. I believe in free choice, but that's just me. I feel there is a little bit of projection going on in here based on what posters want for their own lives, which is understandable and to be expected on a messageboard.

But I don't see the issue primarily as "Why aren't y'all married after 7 years?!?!" I see the issue primarily as one of RESPECT and FRIENDSHIP. I have learned that a man that really doesn't treat you as first and foremost a treasured FRIEND (no matter how passionate and romantic things may be at times) is going to make your life difficult and wear down your psyche over time.

A good FRIEND would never knowingly expose his girlfriend/wifey/whatever to any type of possible ridicule in the streets. Those dudes know his situation and he's sitting in the barber chair downgrading it. Then running home and telling you he downgraded it. This is not an Adult, Mature Male Behavior. He is acting like an adolescent -- not like a grown man (whether he be married or cohabitating) who RESPECTS you as a fellow human being and FRIEND. To me, the marriage-after-7-years thing is besides the point.

ITA,the most pressing issue is respect & friendship as relationships can & do breakup as well as marriages, but do you really want marriage from someone callous enough to say that to you?

Boy, all that foolywang, new-agey, new fangled spiritual marriage mess kills me. Go sprinkle your fairy dust and unicorns elsewhere. All that is code for daddy issues. Seriously, look at anyone who doesn't want to get married/can't settle down, male or female, you find daddy issues there.

I think you are generalizing and that is very dangerous when dealing with issues as important as a lifelong relationship & will discuss why at the end of my post.

This thread further reminded me not to spend any more than three MONTHS w/ someone when they can't seem to commit.

Really so in 3 months you would like a proposal, otherwise you are done?

Ok so to sum up -
OP does know the truth but should be very careful in how she removes herself. They are settled down even if not officially so for him to say that comment is the root of the rest of the disrespectful and hurtful things he said. He has had his contingency plan in the back of his head and OP should put hers to the front of her head. Finish school and leave for shiny new pastures just like he hopes to be able to do.

There is no way to assume you know someone because you have dated them for 3 months. Now you may know you really like them or you have strong feelings. But to think someone should be ready to make a lifelong commitment after 3 months is an amazing thought to me. I assume getting to know the person to identify if they are indeed the right one is the important part not just knowing you are headed down the aisle. I have been engaged before more than once. Why? Because I am long term dater but I am still in my 20's. I dated one guy from 17-21 and was oh so in love until one day I realized I had grown in different ways than him and though we were great friends I did not want to be with him till the end of my days. Now under the law you guys are laying down I should have been married to him and therefore unhappy right now. Let me tell you I am so glad I did not make that mistake. I have no daddy issues other than my dad made me love myself and burrowed in my head the need for self respect for yourself and from others. If those things are problems I will gladly keep them. I also believe in the sanctity of marriage and want to walk down that aisle once and not with Mr. It Has Gone Well So Far, but with the person who I feel after a thorough vetting process, including living together if possible, makes me feel like I have what I need. I think ladies we need to distinguish between knowing someone's intentions after dating for a while and not knowing as the big issue. I would run if a man proposed after knowing me for 3 months (I have before) because I firmly believe knowing as much as possible before hand is an asset to your relationship and marriage. You do need to know your husband will never remember to take out the garbage at night if it is your pet peeve, you do need to know if he expects you to plate his food for him daily, you do need to KNOW period, or maybe you don't if you think guesstimating what it will be like is good enough for you, but ladies since when is knowledge not power? You owe it to yourself to feel someone out, then date, then be in a committed relationship that discusses the future before you actually do the future if you truly believe marriage is sacred and final.
So now I will take my living like I am married behind to brunch with the Significant Other to discuss Ad Nauseum the viability of a bicoastal relationship/marriage while you stone me.

 

[Irresistible]

I have struggled with whether to respond or not since this was originally posted. I showed it to my significant other and he himself typed up paragraphs upon paragraphs only to delete them before responding. I have read every entry in this thread now and will start with others peoples comments and then say what I think.



Really so in 3 months you would like a proposal, otherwise you are done?

Ok so to sum up -
OP does know the truth but should be very careful in how she removes herself. They are settled down even if not officially so for him to say that comment is the root of the rest of the disrespectful and hurtful things he said. He has had his contingency plan in the back of his head and OP should put hers to the front of her head. Finish school and leave for shiny new pastures just like he plans on.

There is no way to assume you know someone because you have dated them for 3 months. Now you may know you really like them or you have strong feelings. But to think someone should be ready to make a lifelong commitment after 3 months is an amazing thought to me. I assume getting to know the person to identify if they are indeed the right one is the important part not just knowing you are headed down the aisle. I have been engaged before more than once. Why because I am long term dater but I am still in my 20's. I dated one guy from 17-21 and was oh so in love until one day I realized I had grown in different ways than him and though we were great friends I did not want to be with him till the end of my days. Now under the law you guys are laying down I should have been married to him and therefore unhappy right now. Let me tell you I am so glad I did not make that mistake. I have no daddy issues other than my dad made me love myself and burrowed in my head the need for self respect for yourself and from others. I also believe in the sanctity of marriage and want to walk down that aisle once and not with Mr. It Has Gone Well So Far, with the person who I feel after a thorough vetting process, including living together if possible, makes me feel like I have what I need. I think ladies we need to distinguish between knowing someone intentions after dating for a while and not knowing as the big issue. I would run if a man proposed after knowing me for 3 months (yes I really have) because I firmly believe knowing as much as possible before hand is an asset to your relationship. You owe it to yourself to feel someone out, then date, then be in a committed relationship that discusses the future before you actually do the future if you truly believe marriage is sacred and final.

I think she was saying if he has commitment issues , not that she wants/expect/needs a ring, and you can know if he has issues like that within three months most often-when you have your eyes and ears open and not willing to fall for the okie doke , you can usualy know a man's true intentions fairly quickly, we just need to listen and see, because he already knows

 

[Bulletproof]

sorry was my post was so long and was still editing when you posted

My thoughts on that are
"I think ladies we need to distinguish between knowing someone's intentions after dating for a while and not knowing as the big issue."
I am a believer in knowing where a relationship may be headed. I am not a believer in one must have a ring after a specified arbitrary time period such as a year.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

sorry was my post was so long and was still editing when you posted

My thoughts on that are
"I think ladies we need to distinguish between knowing someone's intentions after dating for a while and not knowing as the big issue."
I am a believer in knowing where a relationship may be headed. I am not a believer in one must have a ring after a specified arbitrary time period such as a year.

I think it depends where your head is at, If you want to get married and you are getting on and as a woman knowing that mother nature is not on your side you need to have timely guidelines, after spending a yr with someone you should knw where his head is regarding marriage. If a man is at that place where he wants to get married he will definately knw if he wants to marry you after a yr. And I would advise someone to talk about things after the year is out. It is about setting goals if you want to get married set that goal before you even start dating but also just cause he is marriage minded does not mean he wants to marry you so if you date with all of these things out in the open you both save a lot of time and effort IMO

 

[RadiantBeauty]

Doll-baby, I read this whole thread and I agree with the majority of the posters here. I hope that you will make the right decision for you and your children. Always remember that your are a prime example to your children, and whatever decision you make is one that you can live with.

 

[Farida]

OP, you may not believe in marriage, which is fine by you, but your man said he would "MARRY" a Latina. That says a lot about how "committed" without papers he is to you.

 

[brownbeauty196]

OP, have you ever thought of what if something happened to your SO? You would not be entitiled to certain benefits. Not only that you would have no say in certain decisions . I never understood why women said this does not matter, it does for you and your children. Your doing everything a wife does but without the paper. The truth is you seem to be making excuses for him because your holding out hope he will marry you. After seven years and 2 kids, and his comments , I seriously doubt he will marry. You may love him deeply and he may love you too but dont be one of those women who invest 10 years then he will walk away anyway.

 

[Princess4real]

I think it depends where your head is at, If you want to get married and you are getting on and as a woman knowing that mother nature is not on your side you need to have timely guidelines, after spending a yr with someone you should knw where his head is regarding marriage. If a man is at that place where he wants to get married he will definately knw if he wants to marry you after a yr. And I would advise someone to talk about things after the year is out. It is about setting goals if you want to get married set that goal before you even start dating but also just cause he is marriage minded does not mean he wants to marry you so if you date with all of these things out in the open you both save a lot of time and effort IMO

So true!!!

 

[Lola28]

Just bumping, would like to know how you are doing Doll Baby?

 

[janeemat]

I don't want to come off as insensitive but....
If after 7 years AND kids AND paying bills he still hasn't married you. I doubt you will be the one that he "settles" down with. Your man is telling you the truth, so LISTEN.[/quote]

I have not read through this entire post, but you said exactly what I was going to say. For me 7 years would have NEVER caught me with him playing wife. By now he should have "put a ring on it".

 

[kurlybella]

please forgive me if i have overlooked it if it has already be stated in this thread, but not only did he disrespect you, he disrespected his children.

i truly wonder what he sees when he looks at you in you and his kids.

that.right.there.would give me enough to get gone.

don't short change your children. it sounds, IMO, that he has just been settling from the moment he started dating you because all along he knew he wanted maria jose.

the collateral damage were just going to be you and the children.

women sometimes forget that men will indeed have children with a woman they have no intentions of marrying. ever.

i hope you make the right decision.

 

[vainღ♥♡jane]

We have talked about marriage, and he says that he is not ready to get married. I have never really pushed the issue because I wanted finish school, and start my career first.

yeah not to you because youre not latina. dont okie doke YOURSELF girl. and he has some nerve. what is gonna do about his BLACK children when he runs across the border with Maria?​

 

[vainღ♥♡jane]

oh yeah, and your SO didnt put his foot in his mouth, he just spit out the truth.​

 

[new-life]

He says that he's focused on our finances right now and that we will get married in the near future.

That's true some people really do go overboard with their weddings 40k in debt for 1 day is a huge burden. Putting money to the side is a definite must, I think even married women do that just in case.

I know that you and your hubby will have a great time and live it up when you celebrate your 10 anniversary ...something to look forward to

Yeah , because right now we are like that commercial says... unemployed and underemployed And I may not do the Disney wedding ( I've seen their prices ) but right now we can't even afford a Chucke 'e' Cheese wedding

But can't you be married without having a wedding now? Sign the papers now, and then have your dream wedding when you have the money? It's up to you girlie, I wish you the best.

 

[ccd]

doll-baby.....I hope you are ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



!

 

[KnottyGurl]

WoOoOoOoOoW.

Not only does he tell people who know you both (much less tell anyone at all), but he tells you to your face and makes it seem like YOU'RE trippin? You only say callous things like that to people you have a callous heart toward. You'd never say or even think that way about someone you see as your future spouse. What does that say about what he thinks of you? If that's his first time saying something like that you'd better watch out. If you don't do/change something quick, that's just the beginning of you hearing the things that are REALLY on his mind. Good luck.

 

[Brit031586]

Did anyone ever say that being married insured that you wouldn't get hurt? The only way to insure someone won't hurt you is to be dead.

Marriage implies a higher level of commitment. Period. No matter what some husbands (and wives) do - being someones husband is more significant than being someones boyfriend, and being someones wife is more significant than being their girlfriend - and that's a matter of law.

No, marriage does not insure that you have trust, happiness, and a healthy relationship - but none of that has anything to do with stating a commitment to another person, either.

But then, of course, most people don't keep their promises, much less their vows - but that's an issue with people, not with the institution of marriage.

But it appears that you chose to believe that being a girlfriend is on the same level of commitment as being a wife, and meh. *shrug* Ain't gonna argue with you, even though you're wrong.

Wow.... I understand exactly what your saying though I dont totally agree I get what your saying... However y does dominican99 have to be wrong in her views and feelings? Just because you feel that way does not mean that the next person does? just because something makes no sense to one person doesnt mean the next person will not understand it... I've read through this entire thread and I feel like people ( not anyone in particular) but people in general have been being kind of mean and taking stabs at someone who has a differece of opinion. which isnt right at all...

To the OP I personally think what your SO said was totally wrong and I would be very upset and hurt about it. However I do not know that I would just throw my relationship away especially since we have children together. If you guys have a good relationship up until he made that comment then I think u should give it some thought before you up and leave. However thats just my personal opinion you have to do what works for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN not what anyone else tell you to do.

 

[AstroQueen77]

where is the OP? Has she given an update?

 

[JustKiya]

Wow.... I understand exactly what your saying though I dont totally agree I get what your saying... However y does dominican99 have to be wrong in her views and feelings? Just because you feel that way does not mean that the next person does? just because something makes no sense to one person doesnt mean the next person will not understand it... I've read through this entire thread and I feel like people ( not anyone in particular) but people in general have been being kind of mean and taking stabs at someone who has a differece of opinion. which isnt right at all...

To the OP I personally think what your SO said was totally wrong and I would be very upset and hurt about it. However I do not know that I would just throw my relationship away especially since we have children together. If you guys have a good relationship up until he made that comment then I think u should give it some thought before you up and leave. However thats just my personal opinion you have to do what works for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN not what anyone else tell you to do.

I can't even begin to get into how fallacious it is to say that a man has the same level of commitment to his girlfriend that he does to his wife. I'd even buy that a man has the same level of commitment to his female 'partner' that he would to his wife, but for whatever reason, they have chosen to not get married.

Girlfriend though? Nah, sis.

Perhaps I've just known a lot of - unique - men, but I've never met one who believed girlfriend = wife.

This thread is the first time I've encountered a woman who believed that girlfriend = wife.

Try telling the IRS, the hospital, the job, or your insurance company that your girlfriend deserves the same consideration as your wife, and they'll laugh you out of town.

And if that's what's hot in the streets, I'm - well. Considering the state of marriage in the community, perhaps folks really DO believe that.

 

[krikit96]

^^^^ yeah... a coworker of mines just lost her fiance... she is not getting one red penny either in benefits. It all goes to his mom. His mom knows she is not gonna divvy that money up to split between her and her sons live in fiance. They have been engaged for 3 years... and if that's their thing, then cool...

But he suddenly died, she has not rights to anything. No Social Security, no Benefits, NOTHING. The IRS still took their claims each year as SINGLE. Not married filing separate... SINGLE.

Believe me, girlfriend doesn't = wife. Most men I know say that they even excuse themselves for cheating on their GIRLFRIENDS but swear up and down they will be faithful to their WIFE... (now we all know how twisted that sounds, but I'm just sayin... even they know the difference between the level of commitment/respect you give the two)

Has DollBaby come back to update us on their "talk"?

 

[MissYocairis]

So....OP.....what have you decided, honey?