My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[Dominican09]

if you are so comfortable with your situation why the need to keep defending it so much? Marriage is much more than a courthouse that is just like saying a relationship is just about convenient sex, its much more than that. Anyone who is mature KNOWS that marriage does not protect someone from getting hurt but a lot of people value marriage because marriage is a gift from God for two pple to live as one so yeah one can drive to Vegas and get married to the barman after downing 20 tequila shots but someone who values marriage will never do that.

You minimise the risk of getting hurt in marriage by courting and weeding out the guys who are just content with keeping things hanging in the air with no real commitment, those who dont share the same values etc. So yes I would rather not shack up with a man who has not taken his commitment to me seriously enough to do it in church in front of our loved ones and God. I will only live with one man and that will be my husband; I would rather my daddy pay my tuition, when im stressing have him tell me everything will be okay, and bring me any course materials I may have forgotten til that happens.

yeahh...I don't think you know much about situation...I don't need to defend anything...I think we are having a discussion, even if I was denfending my "situation"...is because I can. As far as marriage, if that is what you believe in, by all means do you! Everybody can't fit in the typical mold.

 

[Son26]

So yesterday we were in the car he was talking about the venue for the wedding reception and looking at rings.

Good for you! Sometimes you have to put your foot down. . .

 

[Tamrin]

Good for you! Sometimes you have to put your foot down. . .

Girl you should have seen my face. I just turned away and said nothing. I did not say ish. I told him I have gone against my culture and family traditions long enough. He also wants that baby badly. but I make sure there is no room for slip ups.

Oh I forgot to tell you. This kneegrow lost his mind while talking to our neighbor and said "my wife" like it was an honor.. I corrected and said girlfriend. He was embarrassed. Look I don't see rings. I dont need a fake title. This is why I hate the word wifey.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

yeahh...I don't think you know much about situation...I don't need to defend anything...I think we are having a discussion, even if I was denfending my "situation"...is because I can. As far as marriage, if that is what you believe in, by all means do you! Everybody can't fit in the typical mold.

I know you are having a discussion that is what a forum is all about and yes I did read all pages of this thread but I guess thats what they mean when they say a hit dog hollers (and no Im not calling you a dog, its a metaphor) If you believe that everybody doesnt fit into a typical mold then it goes both ways such as not equating a marriage as just a piece of paper or a trip to a courthouse (or church) just cause you dont think its necessary in your 'situation'

 

[LadyPaniolo]

THE ADVICE IN THIS THREAD IS EXCELLENT!

SHOULD BE A STICKY

I know what is being said probable hurts but please take heed.

he wanted you to know his plan/secret agenda
now make yours

YES.... I know you want to keep your family together... I'm sure after 7 years of doing right by him you want to stay together. I would advise you to look into how you might fast track your financial situation so that you can be financially on point WHEN he runs off after Lupe. Cuz it's more than likely GOING to happen, and he'll be wondering why you are mad when it does. After all, he told you he wasn't ever going to commit to you. It hurts, I'm sure it's agonizing to hear that. But it's the truth and it's gonna hurt way worse after 15 years together than after 7.

Wow... just wow.
Hun, you really need a hug The ladies have given some really good advice. It's going to be hard, but think long term, either it hurts now, or you wait around it's gonna hurt more later. 7 yrs?? wow!

EXACTLY.

Dominican Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

But how do you (you as in him) even think to utter the words "if I were to ever settle down..." to someone you've spent 7 years with. And lets not forget the children and living together. The fact that he doesn't think thats settled down is a problem. A serious problem.

And you're right. Men are not that deep. If he tells you how he feels about your relationship, out of his own mouth, its best to take heed.

Yes, yes and yes. To ignore his comment or downplay it is akin to looking at a funnel cloud in the sky and saying "Well, surely that funnel cloud wouldn't tear down my house, that wouldn't be right." Things that aren't right happen every single day, to good people. You have just spotted the funnel cloud, so it's time to get your family in the safest possible position before that storm destroys your home.

I don't understand how a marriage certificate prevents you from finishing school and starting a career.

Of all the reasons to not get married, that's got to be one of the - most confusing.

I could understand it more if you were thinking that as soon as you got married, you would start having kids - but she already has kids.

How exactly, will marriage negatively impact her/your educational or career paths?

No snarkiness, because I've heard this a couple of times, and I've always scratched my head over it.

And if you are waiting because you want to have a big, blowout wedding, and can't afford it...... well. No comment.

ETA: Actually, no, I will comment. Weddings ain't ****. The marriage is what matters, and you can throw a party and do the white (or ivory ) dress anytime. But if you are ACTING like you are married, if you are creating a family like you are married, to say that you want to wait until you are done with something that won't be affected by marriage to get married is..... dumb. Sorry.

YES I am about to celebrate my 5th wedding anniversary in 2 months... we have to schedule our weekend getaway trip around my college classes. Being married has no bearing on giving up your education or career goals. If you want to continue your education, how would marriage hinder that? I know the older generations used to tell us to finish our career and get financially straight before marriage... those women lived in a time when a husband had the LEGAL RIGHT to not permit his wife to study at a college, and women had very little opportunity to pursue a career after marriage. But those older women weren't saying to shack up with a dude and have a bunch of kids, THEN get married there is no point to delaying marriage at this point.

Be honest. If he had never made this ignorant comment, and had come to you 5 years ago on bended knee with a fat rock, would you have said "No, I want to finish college first?" Or is the school/career thing just an excuse to cover up the fact that he refuses to marry you? I'm not trying to be harsh, I am really not. I just want you to look deeply at your life and decide what's real and what's illusion.

 

[QTPie]

I just want to say that this thread is banging! Even with all the different point of views. Good luck to the OP, it is your life so you choose how you want to live it..

 

[Jas123]

Is her choice! she and he are entitled to wait and marry when they please erplexed; To some people having kids would speed up the process but not everybody is like that...I look at the positive side of the situation...they are raising their babies together![/quote]

i'm a glass half-full type of gal and have been known to wear rose tinted sun-glasses, but i honestly don't see anything positive in her situation- i'm sorry but i really don't. i'm not one to tell any grown person what to do (i may make a suggestion here n there lol) and i'm not gonna start in this thread, but dang he told the mother of his kids whom he lives with "if" he were to settle down it wouldn't be her and he didn't even have the audacity to take it back or play it off by saying "just kidding"
..uhh yeah there's just no positive spin to be put on that- sorry
this is just my opinion

 

[Lenee925]

I will say this and I don't mean to offend OP. I know some of life's circumstances you cannot avoid, but a friend of mine loves this expression and Im afraid this may be how he sees you.

"If you see an a s s, ride it" I'm glad you are getting mad and I hope you make the decision to let him know the free ride is over.

I'm telling you from someone who lives with her SO. We have all the legal financial stuff on paper. However I have seriously re-evaluated our relationship. I want more. We have been together 3 years including dating and now I'm done with the foolishness. I have made it clear that it will not stay the way it is and I intend to move on very soon. I love him and I know he adores me, but it must be done. He even lost his mind and started talking about children so I told him straight. If there is none of these

There will be none of this.

So yesterday we were in the car he was talking about the venue for the wedding reception and looking at rings.

 

[AtlantaJJ]

*lights up a newport one hunnit for dis one hea*

he stuck on stoopit n broke down on dumb.

you've been auditioning for the role of wifey for seven years, and as per your statement, he says that if he were to "settle down", then it would be with a latina chick. see, that raises a hair on my wig cuz if yall been t'getha for seven years, he doesn't feel as if he's settled down? well, no cuz yall not married.

i think it's time to re-evaluate da situation, your relationship, and your future for you and those chirren... the writing is on the walls, as you should stop and take the rosey colored glasses off. your mad at the fact that he said a latina chick, but fa real, u should be mad that he doesn't feel as if he's settled down, and afta 7 years, he didn't make you his wife yet, he just parked you on promise street sitting idle.

silence is golden, as i wouldn't say anything to him either, rather, i would re-evaluation my life and make a decision from there, and decide whether i want to "settle" or not with this idiot.... i think you deserve more.

Madea is that you?

I agree with many of the posts but I especially agree with this one the most.

I pulled a ghost on a joka once, like a thief in the night. He didn't know what hit him when I vanished without a trace.

You have children so this situation is different however the handwriting is definitely on the wall and what its saying ain't pretty.

 

[runwaydream]

i dont have anything good to say. everyone else has said it all

but i wanted to be in the mix

 

[AtlantaJJ]

I know it's hard, but try not to continue to be upset. that is the kind of response he is looking for. don't give it to him. in fact, you should get excited and imma tell you why. He has been holding your heart and emotions hostage for 7 long years. think about it. 7 years. instead of getting mad, get even. start thinking and plotting about moving on, getting a life for yourself...starting over. he obviously doesn't think ur good enough...it's not as hard as you think it is. silence is so golden, as men do not like to be ignored, and when you don't say anything, they get scared and don't know what your next move is. This is something to be taken seriously. I would have a talk with him, just to the information I need. Ask him does he have any intentions on marrying you. If it's not the answer you want to hear, then start thinking about moving on. It's not worth it and life is to dayum short.

Just be aware that since he's in the dog house, he will tell you things you want to hear to keep the chaos down in the house...

I'm telling you, I had the pleasure of doing this once. I kept my mouth shut, smiled, carried on with my daily business while I was was silently plotting.

The only regret I have is not having a hidden camera so I could see the look on that fools face when he finally figured out I was GONE!

Talk about a boost to my self esteem!! It was just the medicine I needed to move on successfully with my life!

 

[Princess4real]

realllyyyyyy!!? so married men dont cheat, abuse women, have kids with other women, even though they have a "committment" with you?...as matter of fact, some of them still act as if they are single...even worst .
An example is Senator Edwards...while his wife was battling cancer he had an affair with another woman...his committment to his wife went right out the window...because they are married, the conquenses for his behavior woud be that she would get a nice divorce settlement, right? So, if you view marriage as some type of life insurance just in case you waste your precious years...then is GREAT!

and yes "marriage" is just that a piece of paper...because you can get a divorce anytime ...and if you go to the Dom. Rep. you can have it in 24 hours!! Marriage does not protect you from getting hurt by your husband...it can still happen...that commitment can go out the window in a snap...

And just so that my views on marriage don't get all twisted...I believe in marriage, but I rather concentrate in the bond between two people. Trust, happiness and a healthy relationship is important to me, a courthouse cannot define that for me...

Going to the courthouse can also tell you, if the guy thinks your even worth going to the courthouse for, IMO. We know that people cheat in marriage and things happen, but if you can't even get him to marry you, well that says a lot to me.

 

[QBOE2001]

Okay here's my two cents for what it's worth. As a black woman who was raised by a single father who is a strong, devout and together black man....here are some of the lessons that he imparted to all of his girls:

(1) Know your worth - knowing your worth means never settling for less. 'Nuff said I think you know the rest.

(2) Men are simple creatures - they always say exactly what they mean...be honest with yourself enough to truly listen. It is not your place as a woman to "justify / qualify / or interpret" the actions of a man. You can put any kind of "spin" on it that you want but at the end of the day it is what it is. At the end of every statement whether voiced or not is the phrase "with you". What do I mean....well....if he says he's not ready to settle down....what he really means is that he's not ready to settle down "with you".

(3) Men know relatively quickly what catagory you as their SO fit into and that rarely changes. They know what they value and what your place in their life will be. So always make sure you find out whether the perceive you as Mrs. Right or Ms. Right now.

(4) Men rarely leave before they've found your replacement so recognize that if after a year or two your official title hasn't changed from girlfriend, to fiance or wife, it's not going to change. Why? Because you allowed him to pull the okey doke. On some level you accepted what he offered and justified it to yourself. And after seeing that you accepted it he saw no reason to alter his behavior.

(5) A man who values you, brags on u, honors u, and will defend you till the end (even when he know's your not right - LOL). Thats how men are wired to protect and defend and if your important to him he will defend you publicly every time. To bash you in public infers that he is aware that he made a poor choice and that you are worth little to him. Ladies you know this is true cause men always hate to admit that they are wrong about things that matter to them, and will only admit to being wrong when doing so either avoids a situation with an unacceptable outcome (such as pissing you off to the point where their not getting any) or if the subject matter at hand doesn't really have any value in the first place.

(6) As a woman you have to have standards if you want to get what you want out of a relationship. Define them before hand and pursue them aggressively. A real man will respect you for them and any relationship you enter into will be better for it simply because there will be no miscommunication of intent.

(7) Recognize that everything you say and do impacts the value that your children will place upon themselves and how they will interact in their future relationships.

That being said....your situation isn't a question of what you should do because you already know the answer to that!!!!!!!! This situation isn't the first time you've felt disrespected i'm certain nor sadly will it probably be the last. I'm just gonna encourage you to do right by yourself and your children. If you feel the need to remain in a relationship that doesn't affirm your worth or promote the healthy development of your children's sense of self worth then so be it. As a woman, you deserve so much more and on some level i'm certain that you know it. Good luck and god bless.

 

[onyxdreams]

Okay here's my two cents for what it's worth. As a black woman who was raised by a single father who is a strong, devout and together black man....here are some of the lessons that he imparted to all of his girls:

(1) Know your worth - knowing your worth means never settling for less. 'Nuff said I think you know the rest.

(2) Men are simple creatures - they always say exactly what they mean...be honest with yourself enough to truly listen. It is not your place as a woman to "justify / qualify / or interpret" the actions of a man. You can put any kind of "spin" on it that you want but at the end of the day it is what it is. At the end of every statement whether voiced or not is the phrase "with you". What do I mean....well....if he says he's not ready to settle down....what he really means is that he's not ready to settle down "with you".

(3) Men know relatively quickly what catagory you as their SO fit into and that rarely changes. They know what they value and what your place in their life will be. So always make sure you find out whether the perceive you as Mrs. Right or Ms. Right now.

(4) Men rarely leave before they've found your replacement so recognize that if after a year or two your official title hasn't changed from girlfriend, to fiance or wife, it's not going to change. Why? Because you allowed him to pull the okey doke. On some level you accepted what he offered and justified it to yourself. And after seeing that you accepted it he saw no reason to alter his behavior.

(5) A man who values you, brags on u, honors u, and will defend you till the end (even when he know's your not right - LOL). Thats how men are wired to protect and defend and if your important to him he will defend you publicly every time. To bash you in public infers that he is aware that he made a poor choice and that you are worth little to him. Ladies you know this is true cause men always hate to admit that they are wrong about things that matter to them, and will only admit to being wrong when doing so either avoids a situation with an unacceptable outcome (such as pissing you off to the point where their not getting any) or if the subject matter at hand doesn't really have any value in the first place.

(6) As a woman you have to have standards if you want to get what you want out of a relationship. Define them before hand and pursue them aggressively. A real man will respect you for them and any relationship you enter into will be better for it simply because there will be no miscommunication of intent.

(7) Recognize that everything you say and do impacts the value that your children will place upon themselves and how they will interact in their future relationships.

That being said....your situation isn't a question of what you should do because you already know the answer to that!!!!!!!! This situation isn't the first time you've felt disrespected i'm certain nor sadly will it probably be the last. I'm just gonna encourage you to do right by yourself and your children. If you feel the need to remain in a relationship that doesn't affirm your worth or promote the healthy development of your children's sense of self worth then so be it. As a woman, you deserve so much more and on some level i'm certain that you know it. Good luck and god bless.

notworthynotworthynotworthynotworthynotworthynotworthynotworthy:bouncegre:bouncegre:bouncegrei THANKED YOU AND NEEDED TO QUOTE YOU BECAUSE THIS IS THE TRUTH!THANK YOUR FATHER AS WELL!

 

[sunshinelady]

Boy, all that foolywang, new-agey, new fangled spiritual marriage mess kills me. Go sprinkle your fairy dust and unicorns elsewhere. All that is code for daddy issues. Seriously, look at anyone who doesn't want to get married/can't settle down, male or female, you find daddy issues there.

 

[ccd]

OP I hope you are doing ok

 

[Irresistible]

Doll baby

Please dont catch a complex behind this man and if thats already happened vow to yourself to work on that. We have all been there, and if not will one day, There are so many of these men that do this and somehow we doubt, and question ourselves and we get lost in the hopes and pains and let downs. Big rejections and little ones hurt from the man you gave your all to and love, but please know its NOT YOU, and we will all testify to this, its him. Truth is there were things you allowed, thats between you and God, but just staying on his 'rejection' and commitment issues, and what he said to the boys, thats him. Please understand men can play roles and all kind of stuff. You have to gaurd your heart, you have to love you!

coming from someone who broke the hell out of a two year relationship that turned abusive and was full of rejection and pain the last year

its been several months now (5-6)

I dont see anything the same today, you can heal, you can begin again, and you do deserve love respect and honor and please give that gift to yourself first

 

[SpiritJunkie]

i LOVE IT....we gotta be smarter and see the lesson. please no regrets but get the lesson in it all

I will say this and I don't mean to offend OP. I know some of life's circumstances you cannot avoid, but a friend of mine loves this expression and Im afraid this may be how he sees you.

"If you see an a s s, ride it" I'm glad you are getting mad and I hope you make the decision to let him know the free ride is over.

I'm telling you from someone who lives with her SO. We have all the legal financial stuff on paper. However I have seriously re-evaluated our relationship. I want more. We have been together 3 years including dating and now I'm done with the foolishness. I have made it clear that it will not stay the way it is and I intend to move on very soon. I love him and I know he adores me, but it must be done. He even lost his mind and started talking about children so I told him straight. If there is none of these

There will be none of this.

So yesterday we were in the car he was talking about the venue for the wedding reception and looking at rings.

 

[Princess4real]

Doll baby

Please dont catch a complex behind this man and if thats already happened vow to yourself to work on that. We have all been there, and if not will one day, There are so many of these men that do this and somehow we doubt, and question ourselves and we get lost in the hopes and pains and let downs. Big rejections and little ones hurt from the man you gave your all to and love, but please know its NOT YOU, and we will all testify to this, its him. Truth is there were things you allowed, thats between you and God, but just staying on his 'rejection' and commitment issues, and what he said to the boys, thats him. Please understand men can play roles and all kind of stuff. You have to gaurd your heart, you have to love you!

coming from someone who broke the hell out of a two year relationship that turned abusive and was full of rejection and pain the last year

its been several months now (5-6)

I dont see anything the same today, you can heal, you can begin again, and you do deserve love respect and honor and please give that gift to yourself first

No, no I was never in her situation nor will I ever be! I know your trying to make her feel better, but some of us would not have hung in there with anybody for no 7 years.

 

[Princess4real]

Boy, all that foolywang, new-agey, new fangled spiritual marriage mess kills me. Go sprinkle your fairy dust and unicorns elsewhere. All that is code for daddy issues. Seriously, look at anyone who doesn't want to get married/can't settled down, male or female, you find daddy issues there.

Yep .....................................

 

[Irresistible]

No, no I was never in her situation nor will I ever be! I know your trying to make her feel better, but some of us would not have hung in there with anybody for no 7 years.

Ok I didnt mean her literal situation as for time and every detail of it

I meant the pain, the man that hurts you, fools you, etc ect etc etc

 

[Princess4real]

Ok I didnt mean her literal situation as for time and every detail of it

I meant the pain, the man that hurts you, fools you, etc ect etc etc

Oh okay

 

[AstroQueen77]

wow, great informative thread. this should be a sticky!

 

[AstroQueen77]

He has an odd view on women because of a very messy divorce his mom and dad went through when he was young. According to him his mom did some really underhanded things to his dad during that time. He grew up with his grandmother telling him that "women ain't Sh*t". Soooo I've put in a lot of work... When he's talked about women it was generally all women ( not specifically black) being "untrustworthy" Adam and Eve and the snake... but that's a wholenother thread that I haven't the energy to start

It seems like his view of women was picked up and assimilated through childhood. Very tough. I think even if you do get married, a situation like this will pop up again showing his disdain for women. If he dosen't exorcise his demons about women and how relationships should be through therapy or psychotherapy, I don't think you will be a happy camper in the long haul.

 

[varaneka]

I'm giving him the silent treatment right now because I don't know what to say, am I being too sensitive here ?

ummmm I'm not an expert, but I do think you have every right to be upset about that conversation, especially since it doesn't seem that he said those things out of anger.

 

[ThickHair]

Seems to me you are more worried about the details of a "marriage" celebration more so than the celebration of a marriage.

Eta: Yes I have read all 33 pages.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

Why do people seriously think that a boyfriend has the same level of commitment to you and your relationship that a husband does?

What sort of logic process are they using to come to that conclusion?

It's utterly baffling.

Marriage implies a higher level of commitment. Period. No matter what some husbands (and wives) do - being someones husband is more significant than being someones boyfriend, and being someones wife is more significant than being their girlfriend - and that's a matter of law.

on the same level of commitment as being a wife, and meh. *shrug* Ain't gonna argue with you, even though you're wrong.

I'm actually rather - surprised - that women don't understand that there is a difference between being a girlfriend and being a wife. Men certainly do.

MMMMMMMHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! PREACH GIRL!!!! I feel like I'm catching the holy ghost LOL

I will say this and I don't mean to offend OP. I know some of life's circumstances you cannot avoid, but a friend of mine loves this expression and Im afraid this may be how he sees you.

"If you see an a s s, ride it" I'm glad you are getting mad and I hope you make the decision to let him know the free ride is over.

I'm telling you from someone who lives with her SO. We have all the legal financial stuff on paper. However I have seriously re-evaluated our relationship. I want more. We have been together 3 years including dating and now I'm done with the foolishness. I have made it clear that it will not stay the way it is and I intend to move on very soon. I love him and I know he adores me, but it must be done. He even lost his mind and started talking about children so I told him straight. If there is none of these

There will be none of this.

So yesterday we were in the car he was talking about the venue for the wedding reception and looking at rings.

Girl you should have seen my face. I just turned away and said nothing. I did not say ish. I told him I have gone against my culture and family traditions long enough. He also wants that baby badly. but I make sure there is no room for slip ups.

Oh I forgot to tell you. This kneegrow lost his mind while talking to our neighbor and said "my wife" like it was an honor.. I corrected and said girlfriend. He was embarrassed. Look I don't see rings. I dont need a fake title. This is why I hate the word wifey.

Girl, you're a woman after my own heart :blowkiss:

Going to the courthouse can also tell you, if the guy thinks your even worth going to the courthouse for, IMO. We know that people cheat in marriage and things happen, but if you can't even get him to marry you, well that says a lot to me.

You too :blowkiss:

 

[glam-]

1st off, reading that 1st post made me mad, then it made me sad, and I alternated between those two emotions while reading this entire thread. OP, my heart hurts for you and I wish you the best. I hope you do think of what you would want for your own daughter in this situation.

A lot of good advice has been given in this thread, but I just want to emphasize the following:

If he hasn't made this decision on his own and in 7 years, it ain't worth it. I would not force him to marry me, if I am not what he looking for-Just wish I would have known sooner. His comment will always be in her head.

I personally wouldnt want to push marriage after him saying something like that

Old boy knows he was wrong and that he is (and should be) in the dog house- even though he is trying to play dumb. If it were me I would resist the impulse to use this situation to get him down the aisle. And be very skeptical of any overtures he tries to make in that direction at this point..if he does that, which I kinda doubt he will, but if he does.. he is just trying to pacify you.

If you have to basically drag a man down the aisle and/or wait it out and keep giving the benefit of the doubt about his reluctance to actually tie the knot with you, it's sooo not going to be easier once he finally does put a ring on it.

You can't keep a man where he doesn't want to be, and if you are able to get him to somewhere he didn't want to be, don't expect him to stay there for long ...or forever.

Even if you can finally get him to make it legal and make it permanent, be aware that he will be quick to walk out the door whenever it gets slightly inconvenient, uncomfortable, or limiting-- and you will constantly have to bend over backwards to try to keep him in your marriage (whether that's emotionally, sexually, financially, time or responsibility-wise, whatever.)

Someone very close to me (and no, it is not me) is going through this and it is heartbreaking to see. Sometimes women think because they suffered so long and hung in there for their man, that they will ultimately be rewarded for it. If a man has had years to show you who he is, believe in what you've already seen- not what you hope will materialize or the 'potential' you see in him. Sometimes the only reward is a lesson learned.

I am not saying the above to be hurtful to OP, I am saying it because I see how this is currently playing out with someone who thought she finally had her 'prize' It's just one more thing to consider as you take this time to evaluate your relationship.

 

[MizzBrown]

Damn, I still get upset that I wasted TWO years off and on w/ dudes in the past and to know that folks are spending SEVEN years with people with NO RING?!

This thread further reminded me not to spend any more than three MONTHS w/ someone when they can't seem to commit.

Women act like we got forever and a day...

 

[Irresistible]

1st off, reading that 1st post made me mad, then it made me sad, and I alternated between those two emotions while reading this entire thread. OP, my heart hurts for you and I wish you the best. I hope you do think of what you would want for your own daughter in this situation.

A lot of good advice has been given in this thread, but I just want to emphasize the following:





Old boy knows he was wrong and that he is (and should be) in the dog house- even though he is trying to play dumb. If it were me I would resist the impulse to use this situation to get him down the aisle. And be very skeptical of any overtures he tries to make in that direction at this point..if he does that, which I kinda doubt he will, but if he does.. he is just trying to pacify you.

If you have to basically drag a man down the aisle and/or wait it out and keep giving the benefit of the doubt about his reluctance to actually tie the knot with you, it's sooo not going to be easier once he finally does put a ring on it.

You can't keep a man where he doesn't want to be, and if you are able to get him to somewhere he didn't want to be, don't expect him to stay there for long ...or forever.

Even if you can finally get him to make it legal and make it permanent, be aware that he will be quick to walk out the door whenever it gets slightly inconvenient, uncomfortable, or limiting-- and you will constantly have to bend over backwards to try to keep him in your marriage (whether that's emotionally, sexually, financially, time or responsibility-wise, whatever.)

Someone very close to me (and no, it is not me) is going through this and it is heartbreaking to see. Sometimes women think because they suffered so long and hung in there for their man, that they will ultimately be rewarded for it. If a man has had years to show you who he is, believe in what you've already seen- not what you hope will materialize or the 'potential' you see in him. Sometimes the only reward is a lesson learned.

I am not saying the above to be hurtful to OP, I am saying it because I see how this is currently playing out with someone who thought she finally had her 'prize' It's just one more thing to consider as you take this time to evaluate your relationship.

WOWEEE @ THE BOLDED

That is the TRUTH about our innate nature (or many of us) until we see the real light and face the cold hard truth!!!

I'm glad you said this, I faced this not to long ago and WOKE UP


eta: and men become experts on how to play on our innate nature if it aint been broken by some sorry fool and some wisdom yet