My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[BillsBackerz67]

Shooooooot girl say that! If I was "there" with my SO I would surely get married while I'm in school in a hot second. I wouldnt have to worry about paying for stuff on my own, we can split bills at home, I can have someone to run stuff to and from school if I forget it, and I can have someone to help me with homework and hug me and tell me its gonna be alright.

I never understood why women sacrifice support to struggle alone .

If it werent for my grandma Id be stuck right now So now Im taking it upon myself to try to at least meet someone since Im clearly seeing the light right now. As of this point I just learned they changed the graduate nurse practitioner programs from 2 years to almost 4 years and you have to have 1 year of working experience before you apply which means that I'll be 30 or 31 by the time I completely finish school. I cant imagine waiting that long until i try and "start" dating again. makes no sense.

 

[Dominican09]

Shooooooot girl say that! If I was "there" with my SO I would surely get married while I'm in school in a hot second. I wouldnt have to worry about paying for stuff on my own, we can split bills at home, I can have someone to run stuff to and from school if I forget it, and I can have someone to help me with homework and hug me and tell me its gonna be alright.

I never understood why women sacrifice support to struggle alone .

hmmmm!!, funny, I don't know about others ...but I get ALL that without being married.

 

[Kerryann]

Find a bat right now go in the closet look behind the coats and take that bat and buss his every loving arse because he is crazy after 7yrs this is what i dont understand. You are a good dam woman and you deserve to be treated lovely dam him

 

[BillsBackerz67]

hmmmm!!, funny, I don't know about others ...but I get ALL that without being married.

As could I but Im not becoming too invested with some guy with no legal boundaries. Especially if i didnt have any other type of family or financial support. If dude up and leaves while Im in school he's not legally obligated to provide any type of spousal support just being a boyfriend.

 

[Mortons]

hmmmm!!, funny, I don't know about others ...but I get ALL that without being married.

One day they could wake up, decide they dont want what they have anymore, pack up and walk out without any legal repercussions. I dont think that I could deal with a situation as fragile, especially with school looming over me.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

One day they could wake up, decide they dont want what they have anymore, pack up and walk out without any legal repercussions. I dont think that I could deal with a situation as fragile, especially with school looming over me.

This happened to one girl already in my program. The program is really stressful and causes you to be away from family and friends for long periods of time. Her relationship was already on the rocks and this was the icing on the cake. Luckily she was able to move back in with her mother. To an SO a year is a long time of dealing with something like this but to a married couple its something that they know that will be easily overcome, and to divorce over something like that would be stupid anyway esp when they relaize the benefits after the fact.

 

[JustKiya]

Why do people seriously think that a boyfriend has the same level of commitment to you and your relationship that a husband does?

What sort of logic process are they using to come to that conclusion?

It's utterly baffling.

 

[TayMac]

Why do people seriously think that a boyfriend has the same level of commitment to you and your relationship that a husband does?

What sort of logic process are they using to come to that conclusion?

It's utterly baffling.

You know marriage is just a piece of paper

 

[alexstin]

Why do people seriously think that a boyfriend has the same level of commitment to you and your relationship that a husband does?

What sort of logic process are they using to come to that conclusion?

It's utterly baffling.

Well, you know, marriage is just a piece of paper.

 

[JustKiya]

You know marriage is just a piece of paper

Oh, yeah, that's right!!! Duh!! Silly me!

 

[alexstin]

You know marriage is just a piece of paper

LOL. How we gone post the same thing with the same smiley as well?

 

[Dominican09]

Why do people seriously think that a boyfriend has the same level of commitment to you and your relationship that a husband does?

What sort of logic process are they using to come to that conclusion?

It's utterly baffling.

realllyyyyyy!!? so married men dont cheat, abuse women, have kids with other women, even though they have a "committment" with you?...as matter of fact, some of them still act as if they are single...even worst .
An example is Senator Edwards...while his wife was battling cancer he had an affair with another woman...his committment to his wife went right out the window...because they are married, the conquenses for his behavior woud be that she would get a nice divorce settlement, right? So, if you view marriage as some type of life insurance just in case you waste your precious years...then is GREAT!

and yes "marriage" is just that a piece of paper...because you can get a divorce anytime ...and if you go to the Dom. Rep. you can have it in 24 hours!! Marriage does not protect you from getting hurt by your husband...it can still happen...that commitment can go out the window in a snap...

And just so that my views on marriage don't get all twisted...I believe in marriage, but I rather concentrate in the bond between two people. Trust, happiness and a healthy relationship is important to me, a courthouse cannot define that for me...

 

[Dominican09]

As could I but Im not becoming too invested with some guy with no legal boundaries. Especially if i didnt have any other type of family or financial support. If dude up and leaves while Im in school he's not legally obligated to provide any type of spousal support just being a boyfriend.

Yeap,that is true if that is what you need!!

 

[JustKiya]

realllyyyyyy!!? so married men dont cheat, abuse women, have kids with other women, even though they have a "committment" with you?...as matter of fact, some of them still act as if they are single...even worst .
An example is Senator Edwards...while his wife was battling cancer he had an affair with another woman...his committment to his wife went right out the window...because they are married, the conquenses for his behavior woud be that she would get a nice divorce settlement, right? So, if you view marriage as some type of life insurance just in case you waste your precious years...then is GREAT!

and yes "marriage" is just that a piece of paper...because you can get a divorce anytime ...and if you go to the Dom. Rep. you can have it in 24 hours!! Marriage does not protect you from getting hurt by your husband...it can still happen...that commitment can go out the window in a snap...

And just so that my views on marriage don't get all twisted...I believe in marriage, but I rather concentrate in the bond between two people. Trust, happiness and a healthy relationship is important to me, a courthouse cannot define that for me...

Did anyone ever say that being married insured that you wouldn't get hurt? The only way to insure someone won't hurt you is to be dead.

Marriage implies a higher level of commitment. Period. No matter what some husbands (and wives) do - being someones husband is more significant than being someones boyfriend, and being someones wife is more significant than being their girlfriend - and that's a matter of law.

No, marriage does not insure that you have trust, happiness, and a healthy relationship - but none of that has anything to do with stating a commitment to another person, either.

But then, of course, most people don't keep their promises, much less their vows - but that's an issue with people, not with the institution of marriage.

But it appears that you chose to believe that being a girlfriend is on the same level of commitment as being a wife, and meh. *shrug* Ain't gonna argue with you, even though you're wrong.

 

[Irresistible]

realllyyyyyy!!? so married men dont cheat, abuse women, have kids with other women, even though they have a "committment" with you?...as matter of fact, some of them still act as if they are single...even worst .
An example is Senator Edwards...while his wife was battling cancer he had an affair with another woman...his committment to his wife went right out the window...because they are married, the conquenses for his behavior woud be that she would get a nice divorce settlement, right? So, if you view marriage as some type of life insurance just in case you waste your precious years...then is GREAT!

and yes "marriage" is just that a piece of paper...because you can get a divorce anytime ...and if you go to the Dom. Rep. you can have it in 24 hours!! Marriage does not protect you from getting hurt by your husband...it can still happen...that commitment can go out the window in a snap...

And just so that my views on marriage don't get all twisted...I believe in marriage, but I rather concentrate in the bond between two people. Trust, happiness and a healthy relationship is important to me, a courthouse cannot define that for me...

Believing Marriage is just a piece of paper is the whole problem

its MORE than that, I understand what your saying , that you get a license then 'blam' your married in the eyes of the world, but NO, its the Man that takes you as his wife and makes vows before God and we all know those vows which make it much more than a piece of paper, its the man you choose to marry thats the problem, not that marriage means nothing, only if that person is willing to make it mean nothing, like we are seeing here.......

Marriage is what God has joined together let no man put asunder and if you believe in God, then that man is also accountable to God , as well as you. If you dont, even still there are many men that respect and honor the woman they 'wifed' up more than they would any 'girlfriend' any day

girlfriend status is not the coveted status

it means nothing, Marriage does mean something when it happens between the right two people

 

[Irresistible]

Did anyone ever say that being married insured that you wouldn't get hurt? The only way to insure someone won't hurt you is to be dead.

Marriage implies a higher level of commitment. Period. No matter what some husbands (and wives) do - being someones husband is more significant than being someones boyfriend, and being someones wife is more significant than being their girlfriend - and that's a matter of law.

No, marriage does not insure that you have trust, happiness, and a healthy relationship - but none of that has anything to do with stating a commitment to another person, either.

But then, of course, most people don't keep their promises, much less their vows - but that's an issue with people, not with the institution of marriage.

But it appears that you chose to believe that being a girlfriend is on the same level of commitment as being a wife, and meh. *shrug* Ain't gonna argue with you, even though you're wrong.

yes a matter of law

and in the eyes of God as a believer

 

[Dominican09]

Did anyone ever say that being married insured that you wouldn't get hurt? The only way to insure someone won't hurt you is to be dead.

Marriage implies a higher level of commitment. Period. No matter what some husbands (and wives) do - being someones husband is more significant than being someones boyfriend, and being someones wife is more significant than being their girlfriend - and that's a matter of law.

No, marriage does not insure that you have trust, happiness, and a healthy relationship - but none of that has anything to do with stating a commitment to another person, either.

But then, of course, most people don't keep their promises, much less their vows - but that's an issue with people, not with the institution of marriage.

But it appears that you chose to believe that being a girlfriend is on the same level of commitment as being a wife, and meh. *shrug* Ain't gonna argue with you, even though you're wrong.

If that is what you believe in, more power to you and I respect that wether anyone is right or wrong. I think is a matter of lifestyle and experiences that people mold their beliefs about marriage.

 

[jada1111]

Sounds to me like you're a classic 'Bridge Woman'. I met author RM Johnson a few weeks ago and we were discussing this very same topic. Here's an excerpt from his site WHYMENFEARMARRIAGE.COM:

"Just around the corner syndrome," it is referred to by some, is when a man postpones marriage in hopes of finding his "perfect" bride. It doesn't mean he doesn't love the woman he's with, and it doesn't mean he can't see marrying her one day, if "it" comes to that. "It" being the day he believes other women are no longer attracted to him, or the day he finally realizes there will always be different women that may come around, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily better. But do you really want to wait that long?
Just how would you know if your man has "just around the corner syndrome"? One way is obvious. If you love him, and you know he loves you, if you have no major issues in your relationship, if most everything is picture-book perfect, yet there is some random reason he won't disclose why he won't marry you, your man might be infected with the syndrome.
Is there a cure? There is, but nothing you can administer. He will have to cure himself. The way that's done? Like I said, by him coming to the conclusion that you are, indeed, the woman that he has been looking for. He just didn't know it. Once that happens, you'll get that proposal. But till then, is there something you can do to speed this process?
We believe so. When it comes to the proposition of marriage, we at WMFM.com believe in being direct. If you're approaching thirty, or older, and you've been dating your guy for over three years, (and he knows he's the guy you want to marry) then you should find out what's really going on.
We aren't saying chase the guy, badger him, try to convince him to propose. To be honest, women should never have to think about telling her man she wants marriage. It has always been the man's place to court the woman, to ask for her hand. But sadly, those days are gone.
With that said, be direct. "You know, we've been dating for three years. You're living in my house, you say you love me, but every time I mention marriage, you make a face, and say you gotta go to the bathroom. What's up?"
Find out what the real reason for his procrastination is (if it's not the syndrome). If you're satisfied with it, and you feel he's worth waiting for a little longer, then set a new date in your mind, and don't bring it up again till then. If you think his explanation is nothing but babble caused by symptoms of his illness. "Uh, babe. It's just not a good time. I always told myself I'd be engaged for five years before I agreed to get married. We still have two years to go." Dump him and find someone serious about the prospect of being with you.

If you've been with a man for five years or longer, and he hasn't seriously talked to you about marriage, it's because he has no plans on marrying you.


Good luck to you and your children. Only you can make the best decision.

It's funny you posted this QueenHav, because I think I have "Around the Corner" syndrome. LOL!

Not that I don't think anyone's good enough, but all of us (men and women) KNOW when the current person their with is NOT the "one" within a few months. Sometimes you just settle and try to make it work.

Either way I think your post should be a spin-off thread. It would be interesting.

 

[Dominican09]

Believing Marriage is just a piece of paper is the whole problem

its MORE than that, I understand what your saying , that you get a license then 'blam' your married in the eyes of the world, but NO, its the Man that takes you as his wife and makes vows before God and we all know those vows which make it much more than a piece of paper, its the man you choose to marry thats the problem, not that marriage means nothing, only if that person is willing to make it mean nothing, like we are seeing here.......

Marriage is what God has joined together let no man put asunder and if you believe in God, then that man is also accountable to God , as well as you. If you dont, even still there are many men that respect and honor the woman they 'wifed' up more than they would any 'girlfriend' any day

girlfriend status is not the coveted status

it means nothing, Marriage does mean something when it happens between the right two people

Yes, I understand what you are saying, everybody is not the same. Others approach things differently. For instance, you wrote that some men respect and honor the woman they wed. My way of thinking is, if a man is not doing this before I marry him...then we don't need to discuss marriage at all...why wait until getting married to have wife priveledges when you could be giving them to me while we are not married? I never knew that being a wife is a "coveted status", when I was married, I didn't think that I accomplish a major hurdle in life, it was simply a way to get establish as a family and because we were in love.

 

[Irresistible]

Yes, I understand what you are saying, everybody is not the same. Others approach things differently. For instance, you wrote that some men respect and honor the woman they wed. My way of thinking is, if a man is not doing this before I marry him...then we don't need to discuss marriage at all...why wait until getting married to have wife priveledges when you could be giving them to me while we are not married? I never knew that being a wife is a "coveted status", when I was married, I didn't think that I accomplish a major hurdle in life, it was simply a way to get establish as a family and because we were in love.

yes a man should be doing all those things prior to marriage, and if he is and its true in his heart then he should have no problem entering into that level of commitment with you , into holy matrimony

well 'coveted' meaning this, if you aint his wife, you aint got nothing in the eyes of the law with your union. NADA! and God. Its not a major hurdle its a blessing, for those who choose to see it and honor it as such.

So if your man is doing all those things already, he should have no problem making you his wife, if he does, then there might be some other things going on. Its a huge statement of commitment, just speak to all these commitment phobe men with 'just around the corner syndrome' (I liked that post) and see what they tell you and if they view it as a larger more meaningful commitment to have a wife rather than a girlfriend, or at least know in their hearts they fully intend to marry you, meaning they already see you as wifey

why put your time, body, soul, blood,sweat and tears into a man that wont make you his wife. Thats what really means something, that a woman would invest all of themselves into a man that can/might walk because they dont 'view' themselves as fully committed to your union together-despite their half 'arse' action and talk , what speaks is that they would marry you, otherwise, you might just be filling his space/occupying his time .....until

just saying alot of women are not willing to be that woman

 

[Dominican09]

yes a man should be doing all those things prior to marriage, and if he is and its true in his heart then he should have no problem entering into that level of commitment with you , into holy matrimony

well 'coveted' meaning this, if you aint his wife, you aint got nothing in the eyes of the law with your union. NADA! and God. Its not a major hurdle its a blessing, for those who choose to see it and honor it as such.

So if your man is doing all those things already, he should have no problem making you his wife, if he does, then there might be some other things going on. Its a huge statement of commitment, just speak to all these commitment phobe men with 'just around the corner syndrome' (I liked that post) and see what they tell you and if they view it as a larger more meaningful commitment to have a wife rather than a girlfriend, or at least know in their hearts they fully intend to marry you, meaning they already see you as wifey

why put your time, body, soul, blood,sweat and tears into a man that wont make you his wife. Thats what really means something, that a woman would invest all of themselves into a man that can/might walk because they dont 'view' themselves as fully committed to your union together-despite their half 'arse' action and talk , what speaks is that they would marry you, otherwise, you might just be filling his space/occupying his time .....until

just saying alot of women are not willing to be that woman

I really enjoy your post!! :luv2:

 

[JustKiya]

why put your time, body, soul, blood,sweat and tears into a man that wont make you his wife. That's what really means something, that a woman would invest all of themselves into a man that can/might walk because they don't 'view' themselves as fully committed to your union together-despite their half 'arse' action and talk , what speaks is that they would marry you, otherwise, you might just be filling his time .....until

just saying a lot of women are not willing to be that woman

That. Right there. Sums it allll up.

That would be like me working my tail off at a job - and they 'might' pay me. Nah, son. I need reciprocity. If I'm going to be giving up my options, some of my freedoms, and bringing you into my life as my partner for the longterm - you are going to have to make that same commitment to me - and you being my 'boyfriend' ain't it, because there is no implied longevity to it. In fact, being a 'boyfriend' - hell, not even a 'partner' implies this is a temp thang, til the next one comes along/a fight happens/whatevawhateva.

I've had plenty of boyfriends. And I knew they were alll temporary, and our relationship reflected that - both in what I expected, and in what I gave.

When I wanted my boyfriend to be a permanent fixture in my life, I married him - and yes, it was an upgrade, for both of us. I don't treat my husband like I would treat a boyfriend - they ain't on the same level.

Does that insure it'll be til death do us part? No. Does it give me a better chance that it will be? Yes. Does it insure that if some **** jumps off, the rest of the world knows that this man is the one who I have put my trust in, and who can be trusted to make decisions on my behalf? Yes.

I'm actually rather - surprised - that women don't understand that there is a difference between being a girlfriend and being a wife. Men certainly do.

 

[Jas123]

i'm just upset that you guys have been living together for 7 years with kids and he doesn't consider himself settle down (even w/o the license)- so what does he consider to be settled down?

 

[Farida]

Maybe this was a good thing.

The 7 years should tip you off. Just sayin'. Real talk.

Even before you would've told me that story...7 years speaks volumes.

And the fact that he could even say that you....says even more.

 

[Essensual]

I'm actually rather - surprised - that women don't understand that there is a difference between being a girlfriend and being a wife. Men certainly do.

...umm... this needed to be visited again. Thank you for this.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

realllyyyyyy!!? so married men dont cheat, abuse women, have kids with other women, even though they have a "committment" with you?...as matter of fact, some of them still act as if they are single...even worst .
An example is Senator Edwards...while his wife was battling cancer he had an affair with another woman...his committment to his wife went right out the window...because they are married, the conquenses for his behavior woud be that she would get a nice divorce settlement, right? So, if you view marriage as some type of life insurance just in case you waste your precious years...then is GREAT!

and yes "marriage" is just that a piece of paper...because you can get a divorce anytime ...and if you go to the Dom. Rep. you can have it in 24 hours!! Marriage does not protect you from getting hurt by your husband...it can still happen...that commitment can go out the window in a snap...

And just so that my views on marriage don't get all twisted...I believe in marriage, but I rather concentrate in the bond between two people. Trust, happiness and a healthy relationship is important to me, a courthouse cannot define that for me...

if you are so comfortable with your situation why the need to keep defending it so much? Marriage is much more than a courthouse that is just like saying a relationship is just about convenient sex, its much more than that. Anyone who is mature KNOWS that marriage does not protect someone from getting hurt but a lot of people value marriage because marriage is a gift from God for two pple to live as one so yeah one can drive to Vegas and get married to the barman after downing 20 tequila shots but someone who values marriage will never do that.

You minimise the risk of getting hurt in marriage by courting and weeding out the guys who are just content with keeping things hanging in the air with no real commitment, those who dont share the same values etc. So yes I would rather not shack up with a man who has not taken his commitment to me seriously enough to do it in church in front of our loved ones and God. I will only live with one man and that will be my husband; I would rather my daddy pay my tuition, when im stressing have him tell me everything will be okay, and bring me any course materials I may have forgotten til that happens.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I agree. If a girlfriend is the same as a wife, then, what's the problem? Why don't those men just marry the girlfriend then (if that's what she wants)? Dishonorable men tend to use that line, "What's the difference? Why do we have to get married?" I think the appropriate response then should be, "Well let's do then if it doesn't change anything. At least you'll have a little peace then, 'cause until then, No Justice, No Piece!"

 

[Tamrin]

I will say this and I don't mean to offend OP. I know some of life's circumstances you cannot avoid, but a friend of mine loves this expression and Im afraid this may be how he sees you.

"If you see an a s s, ride it" I'm glad you are getting mad and I hope you make the decision to let him know the free ride is over.

I'm telling you from someone who lives with her SO. We have all the legal financial stuff on paper. However I have seriously re-evaluated our relationship. I want more. We have been together 3 years including dating and now I'm done with the foolishness. I have made it clear that it will not stay the way it is and I intend to move on very soon. I love him and I know he adores me, but it must be done. He even lost his mind and started talking about children so I told him straight. If there is none of these

There will be none of this.

So yesterday we were in the car he was talking about the venue for the wedding reception and looking at rings.

 

[Spongie Bloom]

OP im sorry you had to go through that perhaps the fact that the only reason you are citing for not getting hitched is cause you want to be a princess in Disneyworld for a day is a tell tale sign that you are not ready OR its cause you already know that the man you want to get married to does not want to. I bet my bottom dollar that the answer is the latter. I have seen this a lot my sisters friend wanted to get married and said so countless times but her bf didnt so to appease her he said do u want to get married now or do u want me to get a bigger place and move in and we can get married in about 5 yrs, she picked number 2 and started telling everyone she isnt ready for marriage when she has been for the past 5 or so yrs. She's 35 no kids, he's in his 40's and has kids from a previous relationship

Another of my sister's friend wanted to get married to her bf so was patiently waiting for him to propose she got pregnant (not planned), so she thought after she gave birth he would ask he didnt she got pregnant again he still didnt and now her answer (without being prompted btw) is we want to get having children out of the way first but marriage is not that important ...since when? she's 24, hes 28

So Im trying to say I have seen women who try to make themselves feel better by adopting their man's state of mind and then forsaking theirs. I think you need to sit down and write what YOU want out of life and then compare it with your current situation accept the things you cannot change and do something about the ones that you can (him being one of them)

 

[Dominican09]

Tamrin,


I like that!!

See, you have to let them know...women tend to let the man take the lead...I'm happy for you!!!