My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[Irresistible]

So....OP.....what have you decided, honey?

Yeah please check in doll baby

 

[january noir]

I wouldn't be surprised if OP doesn't come back to update.

She might even have regrets posting such a personal and controversial relationship topic on a forum - folks get all up in your business and all she wanted to do was probably vent.

Or at least I would.

I hope the OP is thriving and improving her life and if she does come back to post, it will be positive.

 

[Brit031586]

I can't even begin to get into how fallacious it is to say that a man has the same level of commitment to his girlfriend that he does to his wife. I'd even buy that a man has the same level of commitment to his female 'partner' that he would to his wife, but for whatever reason, they have chosen to not get married.

Girlfriend though? Nah, sis.

Perhaps I've just known a lot of - unique - men, but I've never met one who believed girlfriend = wife.

This thread is the first time I've encountered a woman who believed that girlfriend = wife.

Try telling the IRS, the hospital, the job, or your insurance company that your girlfriend deserves the same consideration as your wife, and they'll laugh you out of town.

And if that's what's hot in the streets, I'm - well. Considering the state of marriage in the community, perhaps folks really DO believe that.

I truly understand what your saying however outside of girlfriends not getting anything in a breakup and all that stuff I do think that some men who are in long committed relationships think of their "girlfriend" as equal to what a wife would be... My bestfriends parents are not married and have been together for over 25 years and they consider eachother husband and wife they just dont have the legal documentation to say so they have children and grandchildren together and are in a very committed relationship i've known her most of my life and just found out a couple years ago that they were not legally married... they say why change something that is great... they are not married yet he treats her like his wife and she treats him like her husband... Neither of them have the desire to marry and they are both perfectly happy people... not everyone dreams of marriage and I just dont understand how some people (not you just in general) in this thread can criticize women who have children and are not ready or do not choose to marry there childs father but continue to date them and live with them... My thing is why criticize someone and make them feel bad for their choices when their choices do not affect your( not you again just a general question ) life in anyway at all?

 

[Bunny77]

I truly understand what your saying however outside of girlfriends not getting anything in a breakup and all that stuff I do think that some men who are in long committed relationships think of their "girlfriend" as equal to what a wife would be... My bestfriends parents are not married and have been together for over 25 years and they consider eachother husband and wife they just dont have the legal documentation to say so they have children and grandchildren together and are in a very committed relationship i've known her most of my life and just found out a couple years ago that they were not legally married... they say why change something that is great... they are not married yet he treats her like his wife and she treats him like her husband... Neither of them have the desire to marry and they are both perfectly happy people... not everyone dreams of marriage and I just dont understand how some people (not you just in general) in this thread can criticize women who have children and are not ready or do not choose to marry there childs father but continue to date them and live with them... My thing is why criticize someone and make them feel bad for their choices when their choices do not affect your( not you again just a general question ) life in anyway at all?

I hope it all works out in the end for your best friends' parents... I really do... when I hear stories like this, I think of this article, which probably provided the most eye-opening reason for me why legal recognition of one's relationship is important.

http://www.coradaniels.com/article-nytimes.html

 

[Princess4real]

I truly understand what your saying however outside of girlfriends not getting anything in a breakup and all that stuff I do think that some men who are in long committed relationships think of their "girlfriend" as equal to what a wife would be... My bestfriends parents are not married and have been together for over 25 years and they consider eachother husband and wife they just dont have the legal documentation to say so they have children and grandchildren together and are in a very committed relationship i've known her most of my life and just found out a couple years ago that they were not legally married... they say why change something that is great... they are not married yet he treats her like his wife and she treats him like her husband... Neither of them have the desire to marry and they are both perfectly happy people... not everyone dreams of marriage and I just dont understand how some people (not you just in general) in this thread can criticize women who have children and are not ready or do not choose to marry there childs father but continue to date them and live with them... My thing is why criticize someone and make them feel bad for their choices when their choices do not affect your( not you again just a general question ) life in anyway at all?

Nobody is saying that the life they made for themselves isn't beautiful. Just don't expect to be recognized as a wife if you didn't get married in the eyes of the law. Some states recognize common law marriages and hopefully the people who chose to not get married,but live together lives in one of those states. I want woman who devoted their lives to a man to have the same benefits that I have, but you have to get married!

 

[Bunny77]

Nobody is saying that the life they made for themselves isn't beautiful. Just don't expect to be recognized as a wife if you didn't get married in the eyes of the law. Some states recognize common law marriages and hopefully the people who chose to not get married,but live together, lives in one of those states. I want woman who devoted their lives to a man to have the same benefits that I have, but you have to get married!

Right, and that's the point of the article I posted.

Personally, I don't care what other couples choose to do and how they choose to define their relationships. If a couple wants to stay unmarried, but they remain together and raise kids together, cool with me.

However, that couple shouldn't expect that everyone (notably, the US government) will respect their choice the same way they do with a couple that chooses to have their union recognized formally.

Is it fair? No. But this isn't about "fair" and unfair -- this is the system we live under, and unless we somehow protest to change things up, these are the rules we have to abide by. You buck the system, the system will say, "Cool, you ain't gettin' bennies from us."

I want women and children in these situations to be protected under the law if ole' boy decides he's ready to move on.

 

[Freespirit02]

Last night my SO and I were watching the T.O. show (which I rarely watch) and started talking about interracial dating and the state of black families today.

Well long story short he started talking about when he was at the barber shop with his friends and they were talking about black women. The men in the shop were defending black women and my SO was defending the reasons not to date black women.
(Here's where he really messed up) So he continues to talk about their conversation and say's that he told them that if he was to ever "settle down" he would settle down with a latin girl !(I'm 100% black)

Soon as he said that I shut down completely, I asked him how could he make that statement when we have been together for almost 7 years ? And I know that I have been a good woman to him......


Girl, honest to God..I have tears in my eyes..because I can understand how much that would hurt me. That is really messed up. Babygirl..if I were you, I would really start to pay attention. Even if he was dumb enough to say that..he didn't have to come home and repeat it to you. I hate to say it..but he maybe throwing out a hint. That hurts..it really does...keep your head up mama.

 

[Freespirit02]

You know what..f**K..leave him. That man isn't for you. Something tells me he was never truely yours!

 

[syze6]

Sistah girl he put more than his FOOT in his mouth.

That deserves some serious pause time from you so you can decide how you should respond and react knowing that is how he feels.

Since when did 7 years not equal settling down? Does settling down to him mean when he marries someone?

Too much smoke coming from this.

I have to ask what part of all of what you two are doing is not a relationship. All of this is like a marriage without the wedding. I am confused.

He doesn't want to get married and you don't either until school and career is started but you both have been together for 7 years, share a household and have children. I really am not trying to be dense but all of what you both are doing is what is in a marriage.

I hope nothing of what I am saying is offending you, I just am not understanding. I truly wish you the best regarding this situation, that had to hurt on so many levels.

It sure is like marriage but not to HIM!! Men in these situations who are "not" ready to get married, think they are doing you a favor. They feel this is as close to marriage and the women is satisfied with it. This guy KNOWS he is NOT married and says, he is NOT ready. Trust he is content with this livign arrangement and will be for years to come. You can finish school and start a career and still be married!

This delevery girl who comes in my workplace is pregnant with twins. She has been with her guy for years and they practically live together. I asked her about marriage and she said they weren't ready. What is the criteria for marriage to some people. We can lay up have children, live together, share fianances and such but not marry. I think most men just want to keep that door open. Men KNOW who and when they want to marry and it doesn't take years!!

 

[MrsHdrLe]

Bunny brought up an important point. I read the whole thread and I believe the children involved are one from his previous relationship, one from her previous relationship, and one they have together. Guess what? The OLDEST child gets the rights if he were to (God Forbid) die too soon. If the oldest child is living with the mother and she is the primary caregiver, guess what? She gets his legacy. I hope you two get along well, b/c she may or may not share a portion of his legacy with you, but she wouldn't have to. I haven't been very vocal about the marriage aspect of this dilemma, I really felt that this should and must be worked out amongst the people involved, but considering this information that came up (regarding the children involved), pehaps it would be wise to either have him do a living will or a trip to the City Hall.

 

[Bachelorette]

I truly understand what your saying however outside of girlfriends not getting anything in a breakup and all that stuff I do think that some men who are in long committed relationships think of their "girlfriend" as equal to what a wife would be... My bestfriends parents are not married and have been together for over 25 years and they consider eachother husband and wife they just dont have the legal documentation to say so they have children and grandchildren together and are in a very committed relationship i've known her most of my life and just found out a couple years ago that they were not legally married... they say why change something that is great... they are not married yet he treats her like his wife and she treats him like her husband... Neither of them have the desire to marry and they are both perfectly happy people... not everyone dreams of marriage and I just dont understand how some people (not you just in general) in this thread can criticize women who have children and are not ready or do not choose to marry there childs father but continue to date them and live with them... My thing is why criticize someone and make them feel bad for their choices when their choices do not affect your( not you again just a general question ) life in anyway at all?

and how are these praents of your friends dealing with taxes, life insurance, yada yada? How exactly is a paper from the govt ruin what they have at the moment?

 

[Brit031586]

and how are these praents of your friends dealing with taxes, life insurance, yada yada? How exactly is a paper from the govt ruin what they have at the moment?

As far as that aspect of their life I am not really sure Im not really all up in their business like that to ask those types of personal questions... I think that they just feel that if its not broke or messed up or bothering anyone why change anything...? He has other children also whom are much older than me and my Bestie and the famlies get along great... I can understand where all of you ladies are coming from on a financial stand point but other then getting money if someone leaves you or dies what is the big deal its there business and the point I was trying to make was that just because a woman isnt a mans legal "wife " doesnt mean that he just thinks of her as his just a girlfriend... I wasn't really speaking on the legal aspect as in taxes life insurance alimony after divorce I was speaking on a persons feelings... I just felt like people were bashing and putting down other people's committments to eachother just because they were not legally married... I felt like the whole thread went sideways to why the OP wasnt married and she shouldve been married and how can you have kids with someone but not be ready to marry them everyone is different and I feel like sometimes we forget that here...

 

[MzPrince]

OP, his statement is your lightbulb moment.

 

[JustKiya]

As far as that aspect of their life I am not really sure Im not really all up in their business like that to ask those types of personal questions... I think that they just feel that if its not broke or messed up or bothering anyone why change anything...? He has other children also whom are much older than me and my Bestie and the famlies get along great... I can understand where all of you ladies are coming from on a financial stand point but other then getting money if someone leaves you or dies what is the big deal its there business and the point I was trying to make was that just because a woman isnt a mans legal "wife " doesnt mean that he just thinks of her as his just a girlfriend... I wasn't really speaking on the legal aspect as in taxes life insurance alimony after divorce I was speaking on a persons feelings... I just felt like people were bashing and putting down other people's committments to eachother just because they were not legally married... I felt like the whole thread went sideways to why the OP wasnt married and she shouldve been married and how can you have kids with someone but not be ready to marry them everyone is different and I feel like sometimes we forget that here...

I have an issue with someone saying "Oh, I'm committed to you, but I don't want/am not willing to be legally committed to you".

For me, that's a halfarse commitment, because you aren't willing to go all the way. You're willing to say that you are commited, but you aren't willing to take the actions to solidify that commitment. And actions always speak louder than words. And you can tell me that you 'feel' all kinds of ways - but until you show me - for better or worse, til death do us part - those words are worth the paper they are written on. Cuz I know, feelings change. Real quick. Divorces are harder to implement.

That's my POV. That's the Government's POV. That's the Church's POV. That's been multiple societies & cultures POV for the last couple of thousand years. And this new 'we're committed and it's just like marriage but it's not' **** - is. Well. I don't see it as a good thing. I see it as an out and out bad thing, to be honest. For the woman and for their children. As usual, the man makes out like a bandit.

I didn't feel this way before I was ready to be married, either, to be clear.

 

[hopeful]

I hope it all works out in the end for your best friends' parents... I really do... when I hear stories like this, I think of this article, which probably provided the most eye-opening reason for me why legal recognition of one's relationship is important.

http://www.coradaniels.com/article-nytimes.html

My goodness Bunny, that article was very powerful.

There are so many reasons why marriage is important and a very good thing.

 

[glam-]

I hope it all works out in the end for your best friends' parents... I really do... when I hear stories like this, I think of this article, which probably provided the most eye-opening reason for me why legal recognition of one's relationship is important.

http://www.coradaniels.com/article-nytimes.html

My goodness Bunny, that article was very powerful.

There are so many reasons why marriage is important and a very good thing.

I agree. That article is very powerful. I feel so sad for the mom.

 

[envybeauty]

Men KNOW who and when they want to marry and it doesn't take years!!

Whenever I hear stories about folks together for years and "they" don't want to get married, it really means "she" does not have that option presented to her. Unless I hear about the man buying the ring, getting down on one knee, and she turned him down..........I don't think these women have the option to get married.

So she is left with choices...stay or walk away but neither indicates she ever had the option of marrying him.

.........of course many will say, well she could buy him a yada, yada, but most women don't want bc they want a traditional engagement where HE asks HER, not vice-versa. If she is already bending over, popping out kids, cooking, etc. for him, then she figures the least he could do is ask....like millions of men have done over time.

 

[Bunny77]

I agree. That article is very powerful. I feel so sad for the mom.

Yep, I felt bad for her too, definitely. She and her "husband" did have a great and strong relationship that lasted longer than most marriages.


The big point that got to me was that last sentence -- Now, when I look at my wedding band, I can't help thinking of my parents and what they gave up because they thought their hearts were all that mattered.

Yes, it's wonderful that two people know what they share between each other and all that jazz. But yes, eventually, what outsiders think of your relationship WILL matter... or, if you feel it doesn't matter, you can't suddenly get upset later when you find that others don't recognize the type of relationship you have when you make the choice not to validate it under the age-old framework that almost every culture follows.

It's fine to break the rules... but you can't cry later when your rule-breaking means that your relationships are treated differently. At least be aware of that possibility if you choose to have a non-marital long-term relationship.

 

[JustKiya]

I hope it all works out in the end for your best friends' parents... I really do... when I hear stories like this, I think of this article, which probably provided the most eye-opening reason for me why legal recognition of one's relationship is important.

http://www.coradaniels.com/article-nytimes.html

Wow, okay, I finally read this article. That's heartbreaking. How humiliating, for your lives together to be brushed away as if they didn't even exist, because their commitment didn't 'need' a piece of paper. *sigh*

No matter how pure and wonderful and powerful your commitment to each other is, if you expect the rest of the world (outside of your friends & family who know your whole story) to respect and honor your commitment to each other the way that you do - marriage is what's up.

And I'm the first to say I don't give a damn what other people think. But I'd be damned if I'm relegated to the same status as a stranger off the street to my partner if something happens to him because we didn't 'need' a piece of paper.

 

[Bunny77]

And I'm the first to say I don't give a damn what other people think. But I'd be damned if I'm relegated to the same status as a stranger off the street to my partner if something happens to him because we didn't 'need' a piece of paper.

Girl, I know you don't care what other people think! But like you said in a general sense, if I'm spending all those years with a dude and having his kids and possibly wiping his butt when he gets old and needs Depends , my status in his life BETTA be recognized by EVERYBODY AND THEIR MAMA if something ever happens to him (or if he leaves).

 

[Poohbear]

No No No. No man says this to a woman just because of some barber shop conversation.


Many men will string women along for years with multiple babies. PLEASE BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!

This is true! I have a friend who is 26 years old and has 3 kids and one on the way by a man she is living with. I think they've talked about marriage but he just wants babies to spread his seed. Not only does he have kids by her, he has kids by other women too.

 

[Poohbear]

Yeah , because right now we are like that commercial says... unemployed and underemployed And I may not do the Disney wedding ( I've seen their prices ) but right now we can't even afford a Chucke 'e' Cheese wedding

I'm not sure what your situation is with your parents, but if you really want to save money and get back on your feet, why not move back in with your parents? I know you are 27 but you're not married yet and you need help financially, why not move back home and take your two kids with you? Then you won't have to worry about the mortgage/rent and bills on the house or apartment that you and your boyfriend are living in right now. And you won't have to worry about the idea of shacking up with your boyfriend. Then when you both are ready to get married, you can get engaged and make that step to planning the wedding, getting married, THEN moving in together as a happy family. Then you can do all the things a wife is suppose to do such as cook, clean, raise kids, take care of husband, etc. And I agree with the person who said marriage doesn't make you poor, a wedding that you can't afford makes you poor. Keep that in mind as well.

 

[Poohbear]

Did anyone ever say that being married insured that you wouldn't get hurt? The only way to insure someone won't hurt you is to be dead.

Marriage implies a higher level of commitment. Period. No matter what some husbands (and wives) do - being someones husband is more significant than being someones boyfriend, and being someones wife is more significant than being their girlfriend - and that's a matter of law.

No, marriage does not insure that you have trust, happiness, and a healthy relationship - but none of that has anything to do with stating a commitment to another person, either.

But then, of course, most people don't keep their promises, much less their vows - but that's an issue with people, not with the institution of marriage.

But it appears that you chose to believe that being a girlfriend is on the same level of commitment as being a wife, and meh. *shrug* Ain't gonna argue with you, even though you're wrong.

And let the church say AMEN!!!

Totally agree!

 

[Transformer]

I'm not sure what your situation is with your parents, but if you really want to save money and get back on your feet, why not move back in with your parents? I know you are 27 but you're not married yet and you need help financially, why not move back home and take your two kids with you? Then you won't have to worry about the mortgage/rent and bills on the house or apartment that you and your boyfriend are living in right now. And you won't have to worry about the idea of shacking up with your boyfriend. Then when you both are ready to get married, you can get engaged and make that step to planning the wedding, getting married, THEN moving in together as a happy family. Then you can do all the things a wife is suppose to do such as cook, clean, raise kids, take care of husband, etc. And I agree with the person who said marriage doesn't make you poor, a wedding that you can't afford makes you poor. Keep that in mind as well.

That might not be an option. It doesn't exactly sound like a good option for the parents!

 

[ccd]

I wouldn't be surprised if OP doesn't come back to update.

She might even have regrets posting such a personal and controversial relationship topic on a forum - folks get all up in your business and all she wanted to do was probably vent.

Or at least I would.

I hope the OP is thriving and improving her life and if she does come back to post, it will be positive.

So with this in mind.......when do we stop giving suggestions? Just wondering

 

[butterfly_wings]

Uhm... I think it's a sign that you MAY just want to move on.

Thats a bit drastic.

Actions speak louder than words, you have been togther for 7 years; I'm sure that means more to you than a conversation to some men in the barber shop.

He probably wasn't thinking or just made a mistake, has he showed you any reason to think he wants to act on it?

 

[tarheelgurl]

Believing Marriage is just a piece of paper is the whole problem

its MORE than that, I understand what your saying , that you get a license then 'blam' your married in the eyes of the world, but NO, its the Man that takes you as his wife and makes vows before God and we all know those vows which make it much more than a piece of paper, its the man you choose to marry thats the problem, not that marriage means nothing, only if that person is willing to make it mean nothing, like we are seeing here.......

Marriage is what God has joined together let no man put asunder and if you believe in God, then that man is also accountable to God , as well as you. If you dont, even still there are many men that respect and honor the woman they 'wifed' up more than they would any 'girlfriend' any day

girlfriend status is not the coveted status

it means nothing, Marriage does mean something when it happens between the right two people

This is a really good post.

 

[MizzBrown]

The big point that got to me was that last sentence -- Now, when I look at my wedding band, I can't help thinking of my parents and what they gave up because they thought their hearts were all that mattered.

Yes, it's wonderful that two people know what they share between each other and all that jazz. But yes, eventually, what outsiders think of your relationship WILL matter... or, if you feel it doesn't matter, you can't suddenly get upset later when you find that others don't recognize the type of relationship you have when you make the choice not to validate it under the age-old framework that almost every culture follows.

It's fine to break the rules... but you can't cry later when your rule-breaking means that your relationships are treated differently. At least be aware of that possibility if you choose to have a non-marital long-term relationship.

Hmm, this reminds me a story about a woman who was ENGAGED but he died unfortunately and no one gave her much respect. All the money went to the parents. Parents came in the house they were sharing together and stripped it bare, leaving her with nothing. He had a good job too. All that pension went to the parents. Insurance went to the parents. She got nada. His job felt sorry for her and raised some funds for her.

(Which raises a good thread. Do you get insurance, pensions, wills made out to you as a live-in girlfriend or fiance?)

Some folks arent even recognized in the obituary. Read about an obituary recognizing the EX-wife and kids. Not the fiance. Even an EX-WIFE trumps a fiance and long-term, live-in girlfriend to many folks.

To be with someone 7 years and have something happen to him.. You gets NOTHING. His Mom will be right up in there taking her sons stuff and leaving you to deal with the empty apartment yourself cause you have NO rights.

 

[Bunny77]

Hmm, this reminds me a story about a woman who was ENGAGED but he died unfortunately and no one gave her much respect. All the money went to the parents. Parents came in the house they were sharing together and stripped it bare, leaving her with nothing. He had a good job too. All that pension went to the parents. Insurance went to the parents. She got nada. His job felt sorry for her and raised some funds for her.

(Which raises a good thread. Do you get insurance, pensions, wills made out to you as a live-in girlfriend or fiance?)

Some folks arent even recognized in the obituary. Read about an obituary recognizing the EX-wife and kids. Not the fiance. Even an EX-WIFE trumps a fiance and long-term, live-in girlfriend to many folks.

To be with someone 7 years and have something happen to him.. You gets NOTHING. His Mom will be right up in there taking her sons stuff and leaving you to deal with the empty apartment yourself cause you have NO rights.

Dang... that's cold-blooded mane.

You just never know what might happen if you don't have that paper and the unthinkable (like an early death) takes place. You just get wiped straight out of dude's life like you didn't exist.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Yes, please get the ring. My grandmother was with my step grandfather for 20+ years, however they were not legally married. I didn't even realize they weren't married until he died. And when he did his daughter was vindictive, she took everything my step grandfather had that was worth value. Luckily, the house was in my grandmother's name and she had her own money.

Honestly, I did let my DH know that after 4 years of dating I was ready to be married and it was either marriage or I was walking. Three months later he proposed, a year later we married, and we just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. Even though I don't believe in ultimatums, I wanted him to know I wasn't going to sit around waiting for him forever, I even went and found my own apartment. My hubby has always said he knew I was going to be his wife from when he first met me, he even asked me to be his girlfriend on the first day we met, but sometimes people just become lazy and content to stay where they are after they've become used to doing something a certain way for so long.