My SO Really Put HIs Foot in His Mouth !

[madamdot]

Thats a bit drastic.

Actions speak louder than words, you have been togther for 7 years; I'm sure that means more to you than a conversation to some men in the barber shop.

He probably wasn't thinking or just made a mistake, has he showed you any reason to think he wants to act on it?

I dont know. I would say his actions seem pretty loud.

Believe me, if I a man wants you to be his wife, lack of money wont stop him.

 

[Poohbear]

That might not be an option. It doesn't exactly sound like a good option for the parents!

That's why I started off by saying, "I'm not sure what your situation is with your parents". We don't know the situation with her parents. I was just making a suggestion if in fact her parents were in a situation where they could take her in. If not, then you would be right.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Thats a bit drastic.

Actions speak louder than words, you have been togther for 7 years; I'm sure that means more to you than a conversation to some men in the barber shop.

He probably wasn't thinking or just made a mistake, has he showed you any reason to think he wants to act on it?

His action is, live with her for some odd years, let her put up sex, housecleaning, cooking, babyhaving, then disrespect her in the local barbershop by letting it be known she isn't of the ethnicity deserving of commitment, and tell her she's trippin' when she gets upset.

 

[Evolving78]

*lights up a newport one hunnit for dis one hea*

he stuck on stoopit n broke down on dumb.

you've been auditioning for the role of wifey for seven years, and as per your statement, he says that if he were to "settle down", then it would be with a latina chick. see, that raises a hair on my wig cuz if yall been t'getha for seven years, he doesn't feel as if he's settled down? well, no cuz yall not married.

i think it's time to re-evaluate da situation, your relationship, and your future for you and those chirren... the writing is on the walls, as you should stop and take the rosey colored glasses off. your mad at the fact that he said a latina chick, but fa real, u should be mad that he doesn't feel as if he's settled down, and afta 7 years, he didn't make you his wife yet, he just parked you on promise street sitting idle.

silence is golden, as i wouldn't say anything to him either, rather, i would re-evaluation my life and make a decision from there, and decide whether i want to "settle" or not with this idiot.... i think you deserve more.

i just wanted to bump this post right here! because you took the words right out of my mouth! this situation is more deep than you can imagine and i believe this man just pulled your card!

 

[Evolving78]

i just wanted to bump this post right here! because you took the words right out of my mouth! this situation is more deep than you can imagine and i believe this man just pulled your card!

I dont know. I would say his actions seem pretty loud.

Believe me, if I a man wants you to be his wife, lack of money wont stop him.

tell the truth and shame the devil!

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I would be asking him WHY he --- in a barbershop of black men defending black women ---- would have the nerve to speak sideways when everyone knows HIS situation. What would he have to prove?




YUP.
He knows WHY you're mad, he just doesn't CARE so he's playing dumb.

so what if you have kids? that's not stopping him from talking recklessly about himself and indirectly, his family.

ALL. OF. THIS.

Point 1: who the hell in HIS situation is seriously NOT defending the mother of his children? He made himself look dumb as hell and MAD disrespectful of you, OP, in front of a FLOCK of people. What part of the game is that?

Point 2: ITA.

Point 3: If he was willing to throw you AND the kids he made with you under the bus for the sake of "playing devil's advocate," I surely shudder to think of what he'd say if it was a TRULY serious conversation.

I wish you all the best. But I hope you take a lesson from this experience.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Unlike popular belief...I believe him...he said that he said that to stir up the conversation...I can see that happening because sometimes I do it too just to discuss another point of view...and plus he was at the barbershop...IMO, I think you should believe him because there is no way a man is going to be with you for 7 years...just waiting on a latin chick for him to settle with...He is already settled WITH YOU AND YOUR BABIES!!!

I hope you make the best decision for you and best of luck

Wait, wait, wait.

So let me get this straight. Being disrespected in the name of stirring up conversation is what's hot in these streets? Yeah, no.

Girl bye.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

From what I read they have dicussed getting married but she said she would do it after she finishes school and start a career. I can relate to her on that because I am doing the same. I've been living with my boyfriend for 4 years and I don't want to think about wedding until I am done with that.

He also said he wasn't ready.

@ the bolded: Well, that clarifies things.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

erplexed At least it seems to indicate that both parties are on the same page. A man saying he wants to marry you, and a man proposing to you are two very, very, very different things. Esp. if he makes the effort to go out and buy a ring, too.

And I think a lot of women today don't see - or choose to ignore - the significant difference between the two. Esp. when the relationship is far from 'new', and they are living like they are married.

But, hey, different strokes for different folks, eh?

Uh oh! Not the ring! You know some of us devalue a ring in a minute.

"We're engaged in our spirits." Yeah, okay.

'Nother topic, 'nother day.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

okay... I am not pressed about getting married...if it happens then it happens, I'm still young and I don't mind having a live in lover!!

I think the OP (if she wants to) should shed some light about her relationship with her man. If she breaks up with him over this, I think there are more issues and this broke the deal off.

So, you're living and making a life with a man for FOUR YEARS and you don't even know if you want to be with him, because "you don't mind" the situation? Um, okay, but if that's the case, your input here is odd. OP WANTS to get married at some point; you've admitted it's not a priority for you, at least not with this guy.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

He has an odd view on women because of a very messy divorce his mom and dad went through when he was young. According to him his mom did some really underhanded things to his dad during that time. He grew up with his grandmother telling him that "women ain't Sh*t". Soooo I've put in a lot of work... When he's talked about women it was generally all women ( not specifically black) being "untrustworthy" Adam and Eve and the snake... but that's a wholenother thread that I haven't the energy to start

So I guess his grandmother wasn't s*** either.

Ugh.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Eh well we are feeling the effects of the economy he use to work for the auto industry hauling cars making good money and now he's not so right now planning a wedding isn't financially possible. And like I stated earlier I want my wedding a certain way. I don't think that I should have to sacrifice that for times sake (because we've been together x amount of years). And maybe I should clarify the time frame that we have been together. We met when we were 21 in 2001. We dated around for 3 years broke up for 4 months got back together in 2004. Moved in with each other and had our daughter in 2006. So we have only been living together for 3 years . And during that time that we started living together I don't know... marriage never crossed my mind I was focused on my new baby and how to run a house hold sometimes i felt like I didn't want to get married because heck shacking was hard work
But seriously I was more focused on getting a good job after I weaned my daughter in '07' I had been out of school for 2 years ( with a B.A.) and jobless So finding a stable job was my focus. When no one would hire me I went back to school, when my financial aid didn't go through I went the retail route to pay off my debt. It's just been kind of hard, and when he's not thinking about marriage and I'm not thinking about marriage the years fly by and here we are still trying to get ahead and not married. But doggon it I'm only getting married once and I want it to be the way I want it.

And I'm not making excuses thats just the way it happened and we all have our moments in life especially when it comes to love. I know that we are not friends here on this forum but just know that if and whenever I offer advice it is sincere and heart felt, because that's the kind of person I am.

Um, what do you think will be different about marriage? If you think shacking is hard, marriage is no easier.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

If that is what you believe in, more power to you and I respect that wether anyone is right or wrong. I think is a matter of lifestyle and experiences that people mold their beliefs about marriage.

Didn't you USED to be married?

Guess that piece of paper meant SOMETHING once upon a time.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

Yes, I understand what you are saying, everybody is not the same. Others approach things differently. For instance, you wrote that some men respect and honor the woman they wed. My way of thinking is, if a man is not doing this before I marry him...then we don't need to discuss marriage at all...why wait until getting married to have wife priveledges when you could be giving them to me while we are not married? I never knew that being a wife is a "coveted status", when I was married, I didn't think that I accomplish a major hurdle in life, it was simply a way to get establish as a family and because we were in love.

Because you don't GET all the wife privileges until you ARE married.

 

[GoingNatural]

this is why you don't just date a man for 7yrs. Unless I missed a post this is probably why there is no ring on your finger?

 

[Princess4real]

Uh oh! Not the ring! You know some of us devalue a ring in a minute.

"We're engaged in our spirits." Yeah, okay.

'Nother topic, 'nother day.

Hot mess

 

[UmSumayyah]

http://muslimbushido.blogspot.com/2009/08/mass-gaslighting-of-african-american.html

a snippet:

"Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another's reality, by telling them that what they are experiencing isn't so - and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person. Gaslighting takes two - one person who needs to be in control to maintain his sense of self, and the other, who needs the relationship to maintain her sense of self and is willing to acquiesce. The Gaslight Effect happens when you find yourself second guessing your own reality, confused and uncertain of what you think, because you have allowed another to define reality and tell you what you think -- and who you are. Gaslighting can be maddening in the early stages and soul destroying when it fully takes hold.


. . . In The Gaslight Effect I encourage women to be fearless about their right to be treated well, to be fearless about insisting on their own point of view, to be fearless about carving out their lives, with their values. The good news is that when you are fearless, you are empowered and you can heal or opt out of gaslighting or any other destructive relationship dynamic." (emphasis added)

I read this article and thought of this post. A comment made to the blogpost was especially attention getting:

I never had a term for it, but I knew I was being "gas-lighted" in my first serious relationship. It was maddening. I was young, 20 years old, and every concern and question I had was met with, "You're worrying about nothing," or "You're tripping. Nothing's wrong." God, if I could tell you how I really felt I was going mad!!!

 

[Dominican09]

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[Dominican09]

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[Dominican09]

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[Dominican09]

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[DragonPearl]

What kind of doofus says something like that to a woman after 7 years?

And I have to ask, what kind of woman stays with a man who tells her something like that? A woman whose self-love so low that she cannot imagine herself in a relationship or marriage with someone who values her. This is really sad.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I don't know your situation BUT I DO! ...and I am done here...since I don't do well with personal attacks. You quoted most of my comments and it is starting to look personal...PEACE!!

But you don't. If your "live-in lover" (as you call him) croaks tomorrow, you end up with nothing so how is that getting all the benefits?

 

[Dominican09]

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[sunshinelady]

sweetie, how do you know that I would end up with nothing? erplexed

unless common law works in your state and you don't have kids together, everything goes to the parents. Unless, you're the named beneficiary on his insurance/retirement, etc.

 

[Dominican09]

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[Princess4real]

Indeed!!! and also to add to your comment, "I don't put all my eggs in one basket" .

 

[N.P.R. Addict]

I don't want to come off as insensitive but....
If after 7 years AND kids AND paying bills he still hasn't married you. I doubt you will be the one that he "settles" down with. Your man is telling you the truth, so LISTEN.

Cuz if every Latina on the planet died tomorrow, I have a feeling you would not be the one.

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I don't know your situation BUT I DO! ...and I am done here...since I don't do well with personal attacks. You quoted most of my comments and it is starting to look personal...PEACE!!

*loox at my signature* Okay you don't know my situation.

And, no, you don't have the same privileges. You just...don't. But you've got it all figured out.

Tell you what. I pray to God nothing happens to your "man", but guess what if he dies or leaves you? You'll find out soon enough just what kind of wife privileges you DON'T have. Keep banging, though.

 

[Princess4real]

loox at my signature* Okay you don't know my situation.

And, no, you don't have the same privileges. You just...don't. But you've got it all figured out.

Tell you what. I pray to God nothing happens to your "man", but guess what if he dies or leaves you? You'll find out soon enough just what kind of wife privileges you DON'T have Keep banging, though.