My man said something so hurtful
- Thread starter Sunnrayy
- Start date
he fxied his mouth to say some ish like this--i dont think its his first time
i think this is a clearrrrrr and coherent red flaggggggggggg for you to move on--he is just not into you
struggling actor azzz--he betta go the *** on with his nasty azzzzzzz attitude......
i think this is a clearrrrrr and coherent red flaggggggggggg for you to move on--he is just not into you
struggling actor azzz--he betta go the *** on with his nasty azzzzzzz attitude......
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poookie
Well-Known Member
*hugs* to you OP. you're taking this all very well, and from the way your posts sound, you've already made the decision to move on. and you will be a stronger woman for it. i went through a very similar situation not too long ago, and it took a boneheaded comment from my guy for me to realize that i need to stop giving my all to someone who could care less about me. as other posters have said, now is the time to focus on YOU. pamper yourself! have fun with your friends! go out and be YOU! and before you know it, someone will sweep you off your feet who is actually worthy of your presence. 
5 years after his divorce. I was his first girlfriend after their split. He'd dealt with many a woman sexually and otherwise but was not in a relationship with any of them.
Bunny77
New Member
Okay... at least you weren't a rebound. I was thinking that could be a part of his behavior.
Basically, it just sounds like what everyone else has already said.
I wish you the best with your decision.
missann
Thinking....
Hey Ladies,
I'm known to be a bit of a DRAMA QUEEN
So I just want to make sure I am not overreacting here. My man is a struggling actor. He is on the grind a LOT trying to make it happen and the weekends are usually our time together. I mean we see each other a bit during the week and we talk everyday but usually on Friday,Saturday and Sunday we are together. So, this friday I called him up because it was a bit late as far as the time we usually get together. He informed me that he had work to do and couldnt see me tonight. I admit I got angry and we started to argue then I said "how can you be okay with not seeing me the whole week?"
His answer: "If I got work to do, I could go a whole year without seeing you and I'd be fine."
Honestly, I don't think he was trying to be vengeful. You did ask him a question that I can see him thinking as far-reaching. The way you worded the question, it's like you're expecting him to say he can't function without seeing you.
No successful, driven person is going to be swayed b/c they have to postpone visiting a significant other. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you. For example, some people would turn down a lucrative offer to stay near an SO; others wouldn't think of such. I didn't read other details, but his statement is more a reflection of his personality, not his feelings for you.
YankeeCandle
New Member
MissAnn, the key here is "and I'd be fine."
I wouldn't move for my SO either (for work reasons), but I would soften the blow with "I will really miss you and wish we didn't have to be apart, but I have work I have to do here."
This dude is daring her to rise to his bait--"and I'd be fine." Not cool.
I wouldn't move for my SO either (for work reasons), but I would soften the blow with "I will really miss you and wish we didn't have to be apart, but I have work I have to do here."
This dude is daring her to rise to his bait--"and I'd be fine." Not cool.
Interesting theory missann. I must say i don't want anyone who can't function without seeing me that's hitting on obsession. What I would have liked to hear after that question is something as simple as, "Believe me, I want to see you too baby, I've been missing you this week, but you know I just gotta get this work in...."
Something of that nature. That is still saying I'm going to get my work in but not belittling me or making it seem that he could care LESS about me. I am a busy busy bee when it comes to my career, so on that level we matched. I wasnt trying to take up all of his time because I was busy grinding away as well. But, I would NEVER say to someone I loved that "If I had work to do, I could go a YEAR without seeing you and be fine." That's just crazy.
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missann
Thinking....
I understand that part. He was probably more direct than she'd like.
I'm just saying she did ask "how can you be OK....?"
His "I'd be fine" reply is simply an honest answer i.e., "yes I'd be OK" vs something like "no, I'd be pitiful and downtrodden....".
If someone asked me that, I'd probably say "um, yes, I'd be OK...what else would I be?"
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gabulldawg
Well-Known Member
I highly value spending quality time with my SO. If he said something like that to me, I would let him know that it really upset me and would ask him if he meant it. If he had the nerve to say he did then I would be gone!
That was an extremely hurtful comment!
Even if he actually thought that, he should never have said it.
That was an extremely hurtful comment!
Even if he actually thought that, he should never have said it.After 3 and a half years, he has no time for you on the weekdays? People usually know after a year if things are meant to be. At this point you need to decide if what you have now is worth making a lifetime committment. If not, you need to make a swift exit. Don't waste ur time.
spritex
New Member
So as far as I can tell
1. he said a hurtful statement to you in the midst of an argument and at a time when he is stressed, maybe struggling with money/fears of failure
2. you feel he is cold and unemotional because he does not kiss and hold hands in public.
Unless there is more going on and only you know the real answer to that it sounds like a storm in a teacup.
People are different. Some men (and women) are not into public displays of affection. If he isn't let him be, as long as in private he shows you he really cares and is into you. Don't force him to adopt habits just to please you especially if those habits are ultimately meaningless. So what if some couples don't do PDA? Does that make them less in love, less worthy than those who do?
Again, couples argue, sometimes they say hurtful stuff. It may mean little or it may mean they need to communicate more to bring out in the open what is obviously simmering beneath the surface. Again this is not enough to end a 3 year relationship unless there is more to it.
If the man is stressed and tired the last thing he needs is his woman on the phone nagging him to call/visit etc. Maybe he doesn't want to. Just because what he wants is different from what you want, why should your way be the right one? Why must he fall in with man-made rules of what a "loving" relationship should be - "must hold hands in starbucks/the mall, must see each other daily/every weekend/must speak on the phone daily, etc. I say let him be. Let him be free. If you love him, he knows you're there for him. You get on with your life and support him as he should support you. If he needs time alone, GIVE IT TO HIM. If he loves you, he will appreciate how understanding and accepting you are and HE WILL BE THERE always. Now if that stuff (PDA, etc) is really vital to your peace of mind and he is just not that kind of guy then move along.. But to dump him for what I feel are trivial issues may not be the best move. Some men are not good at displaying emotion. There are women out there who are perfectly happy with such men, who understand and accept them. Equally there are those who would not be happy. If it's not your cup of tea then moving on might be best. 3 years (in fact, 1 year) is usually long enough for a woman to see all the facets of her mans character - if she is looking hard and well. Was he so different at the beginning or did you just "not see"? Maybe you thought you could change him..People are who they are and reveal themsleves to us, it's down to us to decide if we are going to honestly look at them ..or bury our heads in the sand.
Also it may be worth talking to a close male friend about this. No matter how experienced a woman is, men know and understand each other best. Good luck.
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Spritex - I agree that sometimes women need to work more with their partners when it comes to expectations for how they show love to each other. However, based on what Sunnrayy is telling us, it is likely that she will continue to be very disappointed in how her man shows love to her. I can't see telling a woman to go the extra mile and gloss over her own hurt to placate a man she's not married to for an unseen reward. Unless being with him is seen as a prize in itself...
spritex
New Member
Raspberry;
I certainly don't expect her to put up with an intolerable situation. I think my view was - these are not neccessarily deal-breakers. It depends on the relationship as a whole. If he is loving, kind, decent respectful etc, surely the fact that he does not kiss her in public is an area for compromise?
I think this current situation might be the final straw in a failing relationship. When it's over even trivial stuff gets you down! If thats the case then she knows what to do.
I certainly don't expect her to put up with an intolerable situation. I think my view was - these are not neccessarily deal-breakers. It depends on the relationship as a whole. If he is loving, kind, decent respectful etc, surely the fact that he does not kiss her in public is an area for compromise?
I think this current situation might be the final straw in a failing relationship. When it's over even trivial stuff gets you down! If thats the case then she knows what to do.
kayte
Well-Known Member
I think you need to get clear,on what you want or do not want as the phone convo
indicates you are not sure...
If you are truly moving on ....then you must do the same thing with his phone calls as you did with
his arrogant texting abt HIS EVENT.....do not accept or respond ....
if he really went too far as you texted..let that good bye on the phone be a true goodbye...get closure if you need it!
BUT with a good friend talking it through..support with chuch sisters etc
etc
but do not process it through
with him
{..and I know you miss him of course..how you can you not?}
But answering his calls
speaking to him
responding without setting boundaries
listening to him
etc
is only going make it unclear that what he did was unnaceptable
...it's not enough to play co-passive aggressive and give the
aloof treatment on the phone..it is sending mixed messages to both of you
that you are...........
still accessible to him
still willing to communicate
still his woman because you have
not followed through yet on breaking with him
ergo still willing to participate in his insensitivity
Personally,in my book,especially after plus T..H..R.E.E Y.E.A.R.S
he'd be dust...
but do what's in your heart and prayers
(((((((hugs))))))
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song_of_serenity
Well-Known Member
How's it going, OP? Has he tried to contact? Anything? How are YOU feeling??
naijamerican
Well-Known Member
All I can say is, I'm so sorry to hear that this happened Sunrayray. As far as I'm concerned you're dealing with a man who is already married: to his work. The fact that he could find it in himself to seek counseling to open up his emotional warehouse so as to advance his career, yet had the audacity to refuse marriage counseling when his dumb butt had a wife, demonstrates that he's married to the game. I hope you're continuing to recover from his nonsense.
I hope you're continuing to recover from his nonsense.
Jas123
The Star of a Story
are you sure he feels this way?... because if so it seems you have your answer right here
Jade Feria
Well-Known Member
The "someone else" should be YOU. Focus on you. Take some time to learn, grow, and improve, and love yourself so that you can attract a better partner.
Jas123
The Star of a Story
if you were to leave i agree with this suggestion... no talks or arguements or trying to explain why
Sorry to hear this, girl. No, I do not think you are being a drama queen at all. You have to decide what you are willing to deal with and what you are not. A man is going to treat us the way we allow him to. If he really feels like he can just take you for granted and say, "if I had to work for a whole year and not see you I could do it and survive" then maybe you need to bounce on his *** and see how well he does.
Listen, we have all been in love and only you know if you are really ready to step away from your relationship. I'm sure that there are a lot of good things about your relationship or else you would not have stayed for 3.5 y ears. Weigh your pros and cons and see how you feel about the list. Keep in mind, if and when he does make it in that industry, things are not going to change as far as his having to work a lot and you not being able to see him a lot. You have to decide if you can live with that, and then if you do decide to stay be aware of what you signed up for and don't give him a hard time about it.
Good Luck to you, sistah.
Listen, we have all been in love and only you know if you are really ready to step away from your relationship. I'm sure that there are a lot of good things about your relationship or else you would not have stayed for 3.5 y ears. Weigh your pros and cons and see how you feel about the list. Keep in mind, if and when he does make it in that industry, things are not going to change as far as his having to work a lot and you not being able to see him a lot. You have to decide if you can live with that, and then if you do decide to stay be aware of what you signed up for and don't give him a hard time about it.
Good Luck to you, sistah.
MuseofTroy
Well-Known Member
Move on. Why are you still with this person? What plans are you guys making for your future after being together for 3 1/2 years? Is marriage your goal? If so what plans is his making to merge your life with his? If marriage is your goal and he hasn't brought it up then it is time for you to move on. No man in his right mind would make such a hurtful statement to the woman he loves. He clearly doesn’t value you. Move on. Don't waste your time with an individual who sees you as disposable.
MuseofTroy
Well-Known Member
No...If the OP is an affectionate person, why should she give that up? Maybe she should find someone who doesn't mind holding her hand or kissing her in public. I believe that his behavior paired with the mean comment he made to her points to the fact that maybe...just maybe he isn't that into her.
JerriBlank
Well-Known Member
How old is the guy?
darlingdiva
Well-Known Member
No, when we got back together he changed all of that. He holds my hand in public now and kisses. The whole PDA thing. He had changed so much and things were going great. We were so happy and then this fight happened and he said this cruel thing.
He changed his behavior, but HE didn't change. If he had, then those words would have never passed his lips.
It's a harsh reality, but he said what he felt. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, leave, and never look back.
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