My man said something so hurtful

[jada1111]

Hey Ladies,

I'm known to be a bit of a DRAMA QUEEN

So I just want to make sure I am not overreacting here. My man is a struggling actor. He is on the grind a LOT trying to make it happen and the weekends are usually our time together. I mean we see each other a bit during the week and we talk everyday but usually on Friday,Saturday and Sunday we are together. So, this friday I called him up because it was a bit late as far as the time we usually get together. He informed me that he had work to do and couldnt see me tonight. I admit I got angry and we started to argue then I said "how can you be okay with not seeing me the whole week?"

His answer: "If I got work to do, I could go a whole year without seeing you and I'd be fine."

I was crushed and just hung up the phone. I couldnt believe he said that and the worst part is he meant it. I'm not trying to stand in the way of his career but he always makes it seem like I'm in the way I want him to be successful more than anything because I know how much he wants it.

I'm upset and thinking about leaving for good. He seems to be able to take me or leave me. It doesnt seem that he would loose one night of sleep if I left. This just doesnt seem healthy to me.

So Ladies, Am I overreacting? Being a drama queen?

Thanks in Advance

Am I overreacting?

No.

Being a drama queen?

No.

He informed me that he had work to do and couldnt see me tonight. I admit I got angry and we started to argue then I said "how can you be okay with not seeing me the whole week?"

His answer: "If I got work to do, I could go a whole year without seeing you and I'd be fine."

Um.... he's either down for YOU or he isn't. His words speak for themselves.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I say carve out about a month or two of almost daily crying, because as others have said: "he is just not that into you" after that time passes, you will realize how much time you are wasting and get on with your life. Works every time!

 

[LizLeila]

That was Friday. Has he called you back to talk to you or explain himself? He must know how much that statement would hurt you and any man who loves you would at least make an attempt to make amends or talk about it, despite what he may have said in anger. I just felt a huge pang of hurt for you and I am sorry you are going through this.

I would probably take it as a sign to move on with my life, because he has told me in pretty clear terms that I am disposable.

 

[justicefighter1913]

awww...I'm sorry that you are going through this dear one. You shouldn't let anybody put you down or say hurtful things to you, especially not someone you are so intimate with. He's supposed to be a source of love, not hurt.

I don't want to tell you what to do, cause at the end of the day, you'll do what you want to do. However, it doesn't sound like a loving relationship at all. Sounds like you're trying to make this work, but if you're not getting the love that you've been giving...well...you know what to do...HTH

 

[naturalmanenyc]

My intial reaction was that he just said if he had work to do that he could go a whole year without seeing you out of anger....but the details below make me think that he meant it.

I would slowly give him his wish and find a new boyfriend who is more affectionate and in touch with his feelings.

I thought actors had to be in touch with their feelings?

Normally he is a good man. I mean, he has a good heart and is an honest man. In the past we have argued a LOT. After our last breakup we got back together and agreed to change the things the other had problems with in the relationship. My problems with him were: Not emotional enough, he had a hard time showing his feelings. He says he just doesnt like the lovey dovey stuff. For example, he didnt grab my hand in public much or kiss in public. He says he has a problem with public affection. As well, he would just act as if he didnt really care about me. Like, I could be there or not be there and it wouldnt bother him. When I am angry with him over something, he just doesnt seem to care at all.

 

[starfish]

So, this friday I called him up because it was a bit late as far as the time we usually get together. He informed me that he had work to do and couldnt see me tonight. I admit I got angry and we started to argue then I said "how can you be okay with not seeing me the whole week?"

His answer: "If I got work to do, I could go a whole year without seeing you and I'd be fine."

I am so sorry this happened Sunnrayy. What stood out for me when I read your post is that he wasn't even considerate enough to call you and let you know he couldn't spend time with you. Like he couldn't be bothered?

It sounds like you have settled for remnants of affection in your relationship and you are worth so so much more.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

 

[BrooklynSouth]

Good, you know he means it-believe him and step away from the man. Focus on your own success because you know success is the BEST revenge.

 

[justicefighter1913]

Good, you know he means it-believe him and step away from the man. Focus on your own success because you know success is the BEST revenge.

Sooo soooo TRUE

 

[Sunnrayy]

That was Friday. Has he called you back to talk to you or explain himself? He must know how much that statement would hurt you and any man who loves you would at least make an attempt to make amends or talk about it, despite what he may have said in anger. I just felt a huge pang of hurt for you and I am sorry you are going through this.

I would probably take it as a sign to move on with my life, because he has told me in pretty clear terms that I am disposable.

I agree with you LizLeila, any many who loves you would do that....NO he has not called back. After I hung up the phone that night, I sent a text saying: "This time you went too far."

The next morning, Saturday morning, he had an event going on and he sent me a text telling me how great the event was going to be, that some really talented actors would be there and he didnt want me to miss it. He said he hoped I could make it. That was it. No acknowledgement of what he'd done the night before.

 

[Sunnrayy]

My intial reaction was that he just said if he had work to do that he could go a whole year without seeing you out of anger....but the details below make me think that he meant it.

I would slowly give him his wish and find a new boyfriend who is more affectionate and in touch with his feelings.

I thought actors had to be in touch with their feelings?

That's what you would think right? Not the case here. As a matter of fact, he's been married before and divorced because he and his wife argued constantly. So this arguing thing isn't new territory for him. He actually refused to go to counseling to save his marriage, but years later he went to counseling to access his emotional life as an actor because it was so hard for him to tap in to his emotions on stage or film.

 

[song_of_serenity]

I agree with you LizLeila, any many who loves you would do that....NO he has not called back. After I hung up the phone that night, I sent a text saying: "This time you went too far."

The next morning, Saturday morning, he had an event going and he sent me a text telling me how great the event was going to be, that some really good actors would be there and he didnt want me to miss it. He said he hoped I could make it. That was it. No acknowledgement of what he'd done the night before.

I hope you didn't respond and if you didn't, continue not to do so. He has an air of self entitlement about him, as if his needs are above yours and yours don't matter. I can understand wanting to move on from an argument, awesome, but you say "I'm sorry about x, y and z, lets not do that again..." instead of a txt about an event.

He probably laughed off "This time you went too far" thinking it'll be business as usual.

 

[Sunnrayy]

I hope you didn't respond and if you didn't, continue not to do so. He has an air of self entitlement about him, as if his needs are above yours and yours don't matter. I can understand wanting to move on from an argument, awesome, but you say "I'm sorry about x, y and z, lets not do that again..." instead of a txt about an event.

He probably laughed off "This time you went too far" thinking it'll be business as usual.

No, I didnt respond to the text and I didnt go to the event either. I was like how dare he expect me to support him when he doesnt care about my feelings or what he says to me. You are right, I'm sure he laughed that text off thinking it wasnt a big deal.

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

That's what you would think right? Not the case here. As a matter of fact, he's been married before and divorced because he and his wife argued constantly. So this arguing thing isn't new territory for him. He actually refused to go to counseling to save his marriage, but years later he went to counseling to access his emotional life as an actor because it was so hard for him to tap in to his emotions on stage or film.

Are you serious????

 

[Sunnrayy]

Are you serious????

YES.....AS RIDICULOUS AS IT SOUNDS, I AM SERIOUS.

 

[song_of_serenity]

YES.....AS RIDICULOUS AS IT SOUNDS, I AM SERIOUS.

No...just no. If he ever makes it big as an actor, I can see him acting like a real butt head as a choice over more colorful words. SELF ENTITLED. The end. Let him go on with his acting, etc...he'll get what's coming to him...

The best actors are the ones who are truly humble and appreciate those who allow them to be where they are...without people going to the plays, watching the movies, they'd be NOTHING. And he can't even appreciate the woman in his life? Twice over??

No...exit stage left. Saying "he's just not into you" is sooo overused...but it applies. And it's not because it's "YOU" but because of who HE is as a person lacking the ability to appreciate a person outside of his craft. I wonder if he even sees the non acting people in his life as equals!

 

[Sunnrayy]

No...just no. If he ever makes it big as an actor, I can see him acting like a real butt head as a choice over more colorful words. SELF ENTITLED. The end. Let him go on with his acting, etc...he'll get what's coming to him...

The best actors are the ones who are truly humble and appreciate those who allow them to be where they are...without people going to the plays, watching the movies, they'd be NOTHING. And he can't even appreciate the woman in his life? Twice over??

No...exit stage left. Saying "he's just not into you" is sooo overused...but it applies. And it's not because it's "YOU" but because of who HE is as a person lacking the ability to appreciate a person outside of his craft. I wonder if he even sees the non acting people in his life as equals!

Thanks for your words girl. He is SELF ENTITLED, regardless of what field you are in. Both I and his x-wife are in the acting field. It doesnt matter. Nobody seems to matter to him but HIM. I am just praying for strength from GOD through this thing.

 

[LizLeila]

I agree with you LizLeila, any many who loves you would do that....NO he has not called back. After I hung up the phone that night, I sent a text saying: "This time you went too far."

The next morning, Saturday morning, he had an event going on and he sent me a text telling me how great the event was going to be, that some really talented actors would be there and he didnt want me to miss it. He said he hoped I could make it. That was it. No acknowledgement of what he'd done the night before.

He just sounds really selfish. The most important thing is that you know he meant what he said. If you had any doubts about that, then I would wonder about the possibility of working through it. But it seems like you all have been down that road before. The fact that he said such an awful thing, then did not reach out to you shows and tells you the message he wanted to send. It is hard to move on, but please never forget how much more you deserve and the possibility that exists of being with someone who is capable of returning the love and respect you give.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I wish you the best. Call up your girls and spend time with family to heal. Plan something (like a vacation or a spa day with friends) for you and KIM.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Thanks for your words girl. He is SELF ENTITLED, regardless of what field you are in. Both I and his x-wife are in the acting field. It doesnt matter. Nobody seems to matter to him but HIM. I am just praying for strength from GOD through this thing.

oh, I didn't know you acted as well (as did his ex wife...?? There goes that theory of feeling special for what he does then!)

The awesome thing about GOD is that He can do anything BUT fail...and yes, keep him (as hard as it may be) in your prayers as well, because he'll learn that you cannot go through life that way...he'll end up losing a lot more than he expects and it'll be too late to get it back.

3.5 years is a long time, I was there, 3 years in, and almost married the guy...wow...almost this \time last year in November!...hurt like mad when it ended, totally different situation (it was HORRIBLE and I don't mean just his attitude...) but it was for the best and now that I've grieved the loss of it, the whys, the I did so much, why didn't he...I couldn't be happier. God knew what he was doing...so just keep your head up, focus on why you're leaving after trying to work things out and it will fall into place.

You deserve better. And I'm glad you realized it before 10 years rolled around or a marriage and children.

 

[Sunnrayy]

He just sounds really selfish. The most important thing is that you know he meant what he said. If you had any doubts about that, then I would wonder about the possibility of working through it. But it seems like you all have been down that road before. The fact that he said such an awful thing, then did not reach out to you shows and tells you the message he wanted to send. It is hard to move on, but please never forget how much more you deserve and the possibility that exists of being with someone who is capable of returning the love and respect you give.

awww thanks soo much for the flowers I really needed that and thanks for your advice and thoughts.

 

[Coffee]

Sunnrayy usually when we ask a question, we already know the answer.
Stay connected to God; this may be a valley you need to go through to get to the other side.

 

[Sunnrayy]

oh, I didn't know you acted as well (as did his ex wife...?? There goes that theory of feeling special for what he does then!)

The awesome thing about GOD is that He can do anything BUT fail...and yes, keep him (as hard as it may be) in your prayers as well, because he'll learn that you cannot go through life that way...he'll end up losing a lot more than he expects and it'll be too late to get it back.

3.5 years is a long time, I was there, 3 years in, and almost married the guy...wow...almost this \time last year in November!...hurt like mad when it ended, totally different situation (it was HORRIBLE and I don't mean just his attitude...) but it was for the best and now that I've grieved the loss of it, the whys, the I did so much, why didn't he...I couldn't be happier. God knew what he was doing...so just keep your head up, focus on why you're leaving after trying to work things out and it will fall into place.

You deserve better. And I'm glad you realized it before 10 years rolled around or a marriage and children.

Thanks girl....your words have helped so much

 

[phynestone]

What happened and has occured in the past is probably just a predictor of marriage with this man. I see a pattern with him; he doesn't think he does anything wrong, won't acknowledge anything and he turns every bad situation onto the offended party. He refuses help for a problem(s) he believes don't exist. Why help someone who obviously does not want to be helped?

At the end of the day, if you decide to marry him, this is what you'll be dealing with for the rest of your life. I think you should ask yourself if this is what you want.

 

[inspiration150]

He said what he wanted you to know. If he could come out his mouth and say it he meant it. From what you said, he doesn't care as much as he should. There have been threads about men saying hurtful things before and it usually comes up the same. He meant what he said, he wanted you to know. Most men are blatant about their intentions if you pay attention. Not saying you aren't, since you noticed this. I think it might be best to find someone else, but its ultimately your decision. Don't settle. You want a man who is deeply in love with. Not someone you have to tell or ask to kiss you and hold your hand. He should want to. I bet if he had to act a love scene out, they wouldn't even have to tell him to act affectionate. Bottom line: He believes his work comes before you. I don't play second fiddle.

 

[YankeeCandle]

I feel like this is the best thing that could have happened to you. In fact, I almost want to send this man flowers to thank him for his cruelty and stupidity...because it was just the slap in the face you needed to move forward into a glorious new life. Think of all the people you'll meet, places you'll go--even if only mentally!

I predict very good things for you, Sunnrayy. But the only way you can access them is by shaking off the excess baggage.

I like the idea someone posted about "going quietly" into the good night...before he even knows what hits him. I wouldn't gift him with closure. No formal goodbyes, no speeches or letters. Just begin ignoring his texts and saying "I'm busy that night" when he wants you to do something with him (like watch him improvise being an ice cream cone at his actors' workshop).

I know this is a sad time for you, but I also think it can be exciting one, too! It's exciting to know that you will be surrounding yourself only with those people who admire and cherish you...it's a much friendlier and happier world you're moving toward!

Keep us udated!

 

[coconow2007]

FYI: IMO he's using this work thing as an excuse, if a man truly loves his woman than there is no way in hell he could be fine without seeing her a whole year.

That is true he is either into you or he isn't. So its time for you to be into yourself.

 

[Sunnrayy]

What happened and has occured in the past is probably just a predictor of marriage with this man. I see a pattern with him; he doesn't think he does anything wrong, won't acknowledge anything and he turns every bad situation onto the offended party. He refuses help for a problem(s) he believes don't exist. Why help someone who obviously does not want to be helped?

At the end of the day, if you decide to marry him, this is what you'll be dealing with for the rest of your life. I think you should ask yourself if this is what you want.

Wow phynestone, its like you took the words out of my brain. I was literally thinking this same thing while I was driving to a party tonight. I was happy that I had somewhere to go to get my mind off of this mess even if just for a little while. I said to myself "He doesnt think he does ANYTHING wrong, he just turns it back on to me when I'm the one he hurt." It's amazing. I thought, "I would NEVER want to marry him, it would be hell." He actually after two good women in his life, still doesnt get that there is something wrong with him. But, it's not my problem anymore, nor my responsibility to help him. I will pray for him though because he needs it.

FYI LADIES: He actually called me tonight before I left for the party and said. "Hey I was just thinking about you strongly and wanted to say hi" and that was it. I guess he expected me to do my normal and say:"That's it? That's what you called for?" and then I normally have to pull out an apology. I just said "ok." He said, "Ok." and I said "Goodbye."

 

[Sunnrayy]

I feel like this is the best thing that could have happened to you. In fact, I almost want to send this man flowers to thank him for his cruelty and stupidity...because it was just the slap in the face you needed to move forward into a glorious new life. Think of all the people you'll meet, places you'll go--even if only mentally!

I predict very good things for you, Sunnrayy. But the only way you can access them is by shaking off the excess baggage.

I like the idea someone posted about "going quietly" into the good night...before he even knows what hits him. I wouldn't gift him with closure. No formal goodbyes, no speeches or letters. Just begin ignoring his texts and saying "I'm busy that night" when he wants you to do something with him (like watch him improvise being an ice cream cone at his actors' workshop).


I know this is a sad time for you, but I also think it can be exciting one, too! It's exciting to know that you will be surrounding yourself only with those people who admire and cherish you...it's a much friendlier and happier world you're moving toward!

Keep us udated!

Thanks Yankeecandle, so beautifully written. I feel stronger after today. I'm happy I posted this up and got feedback from the wonderful Ladies here. I feel like I can finally walk away and I know your wonderful words have contributed to that. I want to thank him too for his cruelty and stupidity. It finally woke me up. I deserve soooooo much more and GOD is going to send it in due time

 

[FlowerHair]

If he's still an up and coming actor it might be that he, just like many other men, have difficulties connecting to a woman before their career is "set". Most men want to be somewhat established before they get serious with a woman.

I wish you the best!

 

[Sunnrayy]

If he's still an up and coming actor it might be that he, just like many other men, have difficulties connecting to a woman before their career is "set". Most men want to be somewhat established before they get serious with a woman.

I wish you the best!

I hear you on the established thing and that I would understand but being cruel, cold and heartless because he isnt established and doesnt want to connect, I just can't understand. If he didnt want to get serious he shouldnt be in a relationship nor stay with someone for 3 1/2 years. Nor ask me to come back after we had broken up and promise to change and work it out.