My man has gone on holiday and not called me

[esoterica]

Looks like I didn't even need to read the actual post, you had me at "My man has gone on holiday and not called me". The first thing that popped into my mind was "I think you'll find he's not your man". erplexed Better move on.

 

[esoterica]

But you are having it, by continuing on with him after he has not contacted you in so long. You're a dream for a man who wants to do what he wants to do with no questions asked.

Good point Miss J!
So many women think that tearing a man a new one is somehow teaching him a lesson. In reality the fact that they refuse to leave the man proves his power over them. If she stays he has already won!

 

[esoterica]

Ok, I may have to be blunt now.

Although I do appreciate the sincere advice from everyone on this board its hard to hear things like 'cut him off' and 'forget it' becasue its not that simple.

I think you'll find that it is that simple. I have had to dump someone for this reason. Wasn't easy, but it had to be done.

Also cutting him off just means I will lonely AGAIN and out there dating men who are worse. Believe me I have done it like a MILLION times and it aint no fun.

Why would you be dating men who are worse? Surely you can choose to date someone decent?

Of course I am not stupid and if he doesn't improve yes he will be gone but I just think sometimes u need to give people a shock they they don't expect because they do become complacent.

In order to really shock him, he would need to actually care about you and what you do. This thread wouldn't exist if that were the case.

I will be doing what u said going out shopping,(not sure if I should date othe men though??

Why shouldn't you date other men? Do you know for sure that he's not with other women? Maybe that's why he hasn't called you. You won't meet anyone nice sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.

I have had offers since he has been away but I turned them down!)

Wow. Now i'm really confused. Don't you actually want those offers?

being less available etc. because so far I have always been there and he is just taking me for granted.

Please re-read your own comment above.

I think men are like children sometimes they will behave in the way they know have been able to get away with with other people but as soon as they around someone who aint having no crap from them suddenly their behaviour changes..

As soon as they are around someone they care about "who ain't having no crap" their behaviour will change. You are obviously not that person though.

 

[Butterfly08]

If I were you OP,

I would just calm down...take a deep breath, and don't even worry about it. You guys have only been dating for 3 months?? Sorry to break it to you, but that's not that long at all. Are you guys exclusive yet? Or, are you two also casually dating other people? I'm just wondering...

About a year ago, I probably would have reacted like most women and say: "Just cut the slimy good-for-nothing bozo out of the picture for GOOD!" HAHAH! But after reading John Gray's Mars/Venus books, and Sherry Argov's WMLB books, I have come to see that there is another solution:
Girl...just have fun without him! Don't in any way give him the impression that you were waiting by your phone to hear him call you. NO WAY!

Show him that you have a life too! Forget about him on his "holiday" or vacation...whatever you call it. Let him have his fun. If he's really interested in you, he'll come back eventually. Sometimes all men (no matter how good the woman is) need time and space to themselves. How a woman acts when he's out alone with "the boys" or on vacation, or having his "alone time" will greatly determine how he views her and if he comes back! You want him to be longing to come back to you, not running away from you. If you pursue him...he will run. It's in all men's nature. Let him be craving for YOU! Not the other way around!

When and IF he calls you, just act like everything is fine. Don't ask him:"why didn't you call? Where were you?" No...just act happy, cool, and confident. Just say: "It's good to hear from you! Did you have fun on your trip?" I'm telling you...this is the best thing. Acting overly pressed will only make you look desperate and insecure. You've only been dating him for 3 months, not a year...not even 6 months yet. Trust that he's being a "good boy", and that he is just out having fun. If he's cheating or doing you wrong, then trust me...that will come out eventually.

Plus, like others have mentioned...it seems like he's not really a phone person to begin with. His own good friend hasn't heard from him in a while. If he was calling everyone else under the sun except you, THEN I would be worried. But it seems like he's not calling much of anybody these days. Just let him be. Go out with your girlfriends, have fun going out and having a good time, busy yourself in a hobby you enjoy, call up your friends, etc.. Do ANYTHING except call that man! If you feel really cruel or heartless, then MAYBE you can send him a cheery text message saying: "Just thought I'd take some time out of my busy schedule to say that I hope you're having fun!"

When he does finally call you, still act happy and receptive, but when he comes back, it wouldn't hurt to mention to him that it would have been nice to hear from him since you started to wonder if everything was okay on his trip. Just keep it light, but definitely give him the message that maybe in the future you would appreciate a call or at least a message saying that he at least got to his destination safely, or whatever.

I know this advice may sound crazy...but sometimes, you have to "play the game" with men.

I agree with everything here except sending the text. Maybe it's playing a game, but I would simply wait to see how long it would take him to contact me.

What ever happened with this?

 

[Butterfly08]

I had a very similar situation happen to me just last month. And I say HAD because as far as I'm concerned, it's over and done with.

I was dating this young man in October. The first three weeks were great. We had a lot in common and talked to each other several times a day. Three weeks and two broken dates later, it seemed as if I was dealing with a shell of the person that I'd met. So, I, being the straightshooter that I am, insisted on a "come to Jesus." Well, his excuse was that he had several things going on--financial issues, custody issues, etc--and he needed to take care of those things before he could get involved. His request (brace yourselves): Bear with me through the month of December. :buttkick:

I refused to tell him that I would not see anyone else (what do I look like?!). And I let him know that because of his recent behavior and the minimal investment (we'd only dated a few weeks), I had nothing to work with. So needless to say, I've moved on. December has been a good month and I'm hoping January will be even better!

That kicking smiley is just perfect!

 

[donna894]

I agree with everything here except sending the text. Maybe it's playing a game, but I would simply wait to see how long it would take him to contact me.

What ever happened with this?

Her SO (if we can call him that) comes back from "holiday" January 1. HairQueen said she'd update us then.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I hope everything works out fine

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Saved me some time... This post is ME verbatim.... It is actually one of the things I aim to work on gthis year...

You can choose to take it personally, but his pattern was established long before you came on the scene. He's not a caller. He doesn't need the same level of interaction as other folks. If he was calling everyone BUT you - then you'd have an issue. But since that's not the case either accept him or cut him loose.

I'm speaking from the stance of a non-caller. I've gotten into trouble several times with friends and relationships because it simply doesn't dawn on me to do the phone call / make contact as frequently as others would like. It irritates me when I've been chastised with the "You never call!!" I don't call because I don't really have a need to. Doesn't mean I'm not thinking about that person(s). But I can think and get warm happy feelings about a relationship and STILL not want to talk to them everyday.

I talk to my mom and sister the most, and mostly when they call me. My BFF since childhood? We talk once a month if that.

It causes issues on both sides. I understand fully where you're coming from and him too. The best I can offer is to talk to him about it when he gets back. If he's willing to make an effort to make more attempts at contacting you then great. Sometimes that works and sometimes it becomes work - and for me, when it became work I ended the relationship. Its just a simple matter of needs being met on both sides.

 

[kweenameena]

Update Please OP! I've been waiting for his arse to come back and start explaining!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

I'm thinking he came back and they worked things out? Were we too hard on her?

 

[MzTami]

Your man is full of sh$t. I wouldn't care what excuse, sob story, etc..he comes with. You deserve so much better. Don't sell yourself short.((((HUGS)))))

not a telephone person my foot...take your foot and stick it up his butt.

forget him.....

 

[HairQueen]

WELL HERE IT IS THE BIG UPDATE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

He returned to London on 1st January, he called his friend on 2nd January to say he was back and how sorry he was that he didn't call us. His friend called me immediately after they spoke and told me the story which was that he accidentialy left his phone in London so did not have either of our telephone numbers to call us.

Anywayz so I tested the number but here is the catch: it rang in Jamaica! Therefore he has not been truthful with me because clearly he has taken that number to Jamaica and given it to someobdy else.

So this means he now has a new number in England which meant I was unable to contact him becasue did not have this new number. I did not want to be able to contact him, I just wanted him to know that I wasn't about to call him but of course I couldn't because he was uncontactable to me at that time. This frustrated me greatly

Anyway so, knowing that he had been back for two days and called his friend but not called me, I called his friend and said in a cheerful voice, "please tell your friend that I have packed the clothes he left at my house into a bag, would he like me to give them to you to give to him?"

All of a sudden today I got a phone call from a number I do not recognise.


He says: "hi babes"

Knowing it was him, I said: "who is this?"

In a very surprised voice he said: "its me!"

I said: "Oh hi so how was your holiday?"

He sighed and said: "I forgot to take my phone with me and left it in England my mistake and so I couldn't call you because your number is in that phone.

I said: "so if you left your phone in England whilst you went on holiday where is it now and why are you ringing me from a different number?"

He said: "I have lost it so I have got a new number."

I said: "um hmn"

I said: "well I am a little busy right now I will call you back"

Before I could ring him back (which I had no intention of by the way) he rang me back about 3 times and asked: "whats wrong, you don't even sound like you are glad that I am back."

I said: "um hmn"

He said: "why did you call my friend and tell him you have packed up my clothes and that you will give them to him to pass on to me? Before I left you were happy you wanted me to leave my clothes in your house and now you are saying yuo don't want them there."

He said "you sound different, whats going on? whats happening with us? Are we gonna be friends? are we still together? Why are you acting like I have disresspected you our something?"

I said "I don't know what you mean , I am busy right now I will call u back"

He said: " You know what just pack my things and give them to my friend then"

I said: "okay bye!!"

And that was the end of that. Clearly from the tone of my post you can see that I am not impressed with his excuse and I am now prepared to end it based on this. However I have cried my eyes out up until today because this is someone that I was falling in love with before he left to go on holiday.

I ensured that I answered the phone to him in a cheerful tone but at the same time making it obvious that I am not impressed nor do I believe him. The truth is I wish it could have worked and it hurts however at the same time I know his excuse is rubbish ( or garbage as you guys put it) ! Well guess that is the end of that.

Okay now for your comments, fire em at me...

 

[donna894]

You've heard the saying "good riddance to bad rubbish?" There ya go. Now you know the deal, so keep it moving

Next!!!

 

[BrownSkin2]

You're better off without him. You deserve better.

 

[Solti]

(((Hairqueen)))
Sorry to hear about this. I was kind of hoping he would have had a good excuse. But its better that he showed his true colors now then to be in love and have some years behind you guys...This guy would have been long term heart ache...His nonchalance shows he is pathological...Guys like this are SCARY. You are better off but I know it hurts...hugs

 

[Studio_gal]

You don't need to speak to him again to finalise anything.
Just drop the clothes off at his friends house and let that be end of it.
He doesn't deserve a post-mortem on this situation.

Just get your frustration out - have a good cry - let it all out and try and forget about him. Leave the path clear for a respectful man to come along.

(((((hugs to you)))))))
x

 

[SouthernJewel]

He is so effin stoopid! Like seriously, were you supposed to fall for that BS? Men and flies, I despise...

 

[God_Favor]

Girl, I'm proud of you- U just nipped his foolishness in the bud w/out falling for his game ! More women need to do the same!!

When someones shows who they are believe them! His charter has been proven not to be worthy of you or your time!

 

[*KP*]

I was hoping he'd have a good excuse too....

I think you should have really told him why you were kicking him to the curb though...but then again, he knows what he did so what was the point!

How are you getting on with those lists we talked about?

 

[tatje]

WELL HERE IT IS THE BIG UPDATE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

He returned to London on 1st January, he called his friend on 2nd January to say he was back and how sorry he was that he didn't call us. His friend called me immediately after they spoke and told me the story which was that he accidentialy left his phone in London so did not have either of our telephone numbers to call us.

Anywayz so I tested the number but here is the catch: it rang in Jamaica! Therefore he has not been truthful with me because clearly he has taken that number to Jamaica and given it to someobdy else.

So this means he now has a new number in England which meant I was unable to contact him becasue did not have this new number. I did not want to be able to contact him, I just wanted him to know that I wasn't about to call him but of course I couldn't because he was uncontactable to me at that time. This frustrated me greatly

Anyway so, knowing that he had been back for two days and called his friend but not called me, I called his friend and said in a cheerful voice, "please tell your friend that I have packed the clothes he left at my house into a bag, would he like me to give them to you to give to him?"

All of a sudden today I got a phone call from a number I do not recognise.


He says: "hi babes"

Knowing it was him, I said: "who is this?"

In a very surprised voice he said: "its me!"

I said: "Oh hi so how was your holiday?"

He sighed and said: "I forgot to take my phone with me and left it in England my mistake and so I couldn't call you because your number is in that phone.

I said: "so if you left your phone in England whilst you went on holiday where is it now and why are you ringing me from a different number?"

He said: "I have lost it so I have got a new number."

I said: "um hmn"

I said: "well I am a little busy right now I will call you back"

Before I could ring him back (which I had no intention of by the way) he rang me back about 3 times and asked: "whats wrong, you don't even sound like you are glad that I am back."

I said: "um hmn"

He said: "why did you call my friend and tell him you have packed up my clothes and that you will give them to him to pass on to me? Before I left you were happy you wanted me to leave my clothes in your house and now you are saying yuo don't want them there."

He said "you sound different, whats going on? whats happening with us? Are we gonna be friends? are we still together? Why are you acting like I have disresspected you our something?"

I said "I don't know what you mean , I am busy right now I will call u back"

He said: " You know what just pack my things and give them to my friend then"

I said: "okay bye!!"

And that was the end of that. Clearly from the tone of my post you can see that I am not impressed with his excuse and I am now prepared to end it based on this. However I have cried my eyes out up until today because this is someone that I was falling in love with before he left to go on holiday.

I ensured that I answered the phone to him in a cheerful tone but at the same time making it obvious that I am not impressed nor do I believe him. The truth is I wish it could have worked and it hurts however at the same time I know his excuse is rubbish ( or garbage as you guys put it) ! Well guess that is the end of that.

Okay now for your comments, fire em at me...

I know you did the right thing and it will show in the end. It's a new year, you can start over with a big bang.

The bolded was just so cute to me.

 

[itismehmmkay]

He should've called.

Do not call him.

 

[Bunny77]

You handled that very well! And it's okay to cry your eyes out... it hurts, I know. But better to know the deal now than later.

It's funny how vacations/holidays will really test a new relationship. I was dating a guy and things were going great until I had to go away for a few weeks on vacation. At first I was so bummed because I wanted to spend more time with him, but I noticed that when I came back, he acted totally different and was a lot more short and rude... eventually, things fell apart, but me going away seemed to speed up the process.

 

[january noir]

HairQueen, how old is this man?

I ask because he sounds like he is very young and he hasn't learned or cared to learn that he should be more courteous to his friends, at the very least, and let them know he was ok.

How rude of him to be so lackadasical (sp?).

I still think you should tell him why you are not entertaining him anymore. Don't let him go around thinking it's OK to do what he did to you and his other friends.

 

[Bunny77]

I guess my other question would be this... does he have e-mail? Even if he wasn't a "phone person" he could have e-mailed HairQueen while he was gone... something!

To just be completely out of contact for three weeks -- especially when there are 7 zillion ways to keep in touch these days -- just seems quite deliberate to me.

 

[january noir]

I guess my other question would be this... does he have e-mail? Even if he wasn't a "phone person" he could have e-mailed HairQueen while he was gone... something!

To just be completely out of contact for three weeks -- especially when there are 7 zillion ways to keep in touch these days -- just seems quite deliberate to me.

That is what i couldn't do to someone I cared about even a little bit...
3 weeks not 3 days!

It just shows that this man is very narcissistic or egocentric and is only concerned about is own comfort.

If I was dating a man even for a week (and supposedly hitting it off) and he did not call once or try in any way to contact me... it would be soooooo over! NEXT!

 

[donna894]

I guess my other question would be this... does he have e-mail? Even if he wasn't a "phone person" he could have e-mailed HairQueen while he was gone... something!

To just be completely out of contact for three weeks -- especially when there are 7 zillion ways to keep in touch these days -- just seems quite deliberate to me.

ITA. Something's up. And don't forget he lied about his cell phone, saying he didn't take it with him, and now somebody in Jamaica has it. HQ doesn't need this.

 

[aqualung]

Anywayz so I tested the number but here is the catch: it rang in Jamaica! Therefore he has not been truthful with me because clearly he has taken that number to Jamaica and given it to someobdy else.

What gifts did he buy you while he was on travel? Jewelry?

Don't tell me that he came home empty handed with a mouth full of excuses...

 

[itismehmmkay]

So, I just checked your update and good job, sweetie! keep it moving and let that be your confidence

 

[HairQueen]

Thankyou all for your concern and your responses, I feel a little overwhelmed that so many of you are interested in my problems, it makes me feel so much better. I was expecting people to point the finger at me and say I told you so. (As foolish as it sounds deep down I still wish this wasn't happening, I still wish that we could have been together).

To answer some of the questions you asked in your posts:

1. Somebody asked how old he was he is 29, he will turn 30 on Feb 14th (I know, I know of all the days eh?)

2. Somebody asked did he buy me anything, well we didn't get that far in the conversation but he hasn't mentioned gifts so I assume not!

3. A couple of people said that I should have spelled out exactly why I am doing this the reason I didn't is because he already knows he has done wrong and if I start doing that he will start trying to twist it up and convince me that he is telling me the truth.

4. I did contemplate whether I should let him know that I know that his phone is still ringing in Jamaica but I didn't feel the need to because (a) there was a quiet satisfaction in me knowing that he is def lying (b) also because I didn't want to look like a crazy psycho that was checking up on him and (c) becasue it won't change anything anyway. But now you have got me thinking do you think I should let him know I know???

4.Its also nice that some of you said you were hoping he had a good reason for it becasue so was I. (Big hugs to my girl Special K).

Well here is the next problem I have: I have just come home from a night out to 5 missed calls and 2 voicemail messages from him saying that he does not know what is going on and why am I acting like this begging me to call him.

Now he is going to bother me continuously, what do I do now?

 

[MzTami]

Thankyou all for your concern and your responses, I feel a little overwhelmed that so many of you are interested in my problems, it makes me feel so much better. I was expecting people to point the finger at me and say I told you so. (As foolish as it sounds deep down I still wish this wasn't happening, I still wish that we could have been together).

To answer some of the questions you asked in your posts:

1. Somebody asked how old he was he is 29, he will turn 30 on Feb 14th (I know, I know of all the days eh?)

2. Somebody asked did he buy me anything, well we didn't get that far in the conversation but he hasn't mentioned gifts so I assume not!

3. A couple of people said that I should have spelled out exactly why I am doing this the reason I didn't is because he already knows he has done wrong. and if I start doing that he will start trying to twist it up and convince me that he is telling me the truth.

4. I did contemplate whether I should let him know that I know that his phone is still ringing in Jamaica but I didn't feel the need to because (a) there was a quiet satisfaction in me knowing that he is def lying (b) also because I didn't want to look like a crazy psycho that was checking up on him and (c) becasue it won't change anything anyway. But now you have got me thinking do you think I should let him know I know???

4.Its also nice that some of you said you were hoping he had a good reason for it becasue so was I. (big hugs to my girl Special K).

Well here is the next problem I have: I have just come home from a night out to 5 missed calls and 2 voicemail messages from him saying that he does not not know what is going on and why am I acting like this begging me to call him.

Now he is going to bother me continuously, what do I do now?

You will respond when you get back from your holiday in 3 weeks.

Let him call...BTW..I thought he wasn't a phone person? 5 missed calls?..

Honestly, I think he has someone else(fiancee, wife) and he went to visit them when he was on holiday.

Also, he calls his BFF the day he comes back into town instead of his woman?..

I know that you are hurting, but this man is what Americans call a "Jive Turkey." Trust me, you deserve so much more, don't fall for the not a phone person, 5 missed calls, acting dumb act that he's bringing to the table.

Last but not least, your 'man' will only do what you allow him to do. Don't allow him to pull the okie doke on you and think everything is like ice cream with a cherry on top.

Cry your tears and move on to someone that deserves your love.

Good Luck!!!