My man finds out he has a...

[ppp422]

@VAG I am trying to gather my thoughts.....LOL

OP, if someone were to be truly objective about this guy he would have to be in a position to want to change his thinking about black women. It wouldn't be right or healthy for him to enter a relationship (let alone a marriage) with a black woman and possibly produce children if his current beliefs are absolute and unwavering. He says that you are different; could it be that he has not been exposed to enough black women (sorry but I don't think his momma is worth much ) so therefore he makes these sweeping generalizations? What about your female friends and family? Are they all "gold diggers" too? I think that a serious talk about his beliefs is needed before you could consider if you wanted to go any further with him.

Him having a biracial daughter makes this whole thing even more complicated for my liking but that is your call. Could he ever see your children as equal to her? I would seriously ask him that question. You and your children don't deserve to be fighting a losing battle for his love, attention, and genuine affection especially if he told you it was going to be like that from the get go.

 

[petiteNunique]

In response to Tay Mac, he always tells me how much i mean to him, he loves being around me, i clean offices on the side and he helps me without asking for any money, he does pretty much any and everything. HOWEVER, im just tired of feeling like he doesn't appreciated a black woman. He says that he has dated many other races and he and his friends all have these views about black women always in a man's pockets and how white women aren't. He also said how when he had extra money in the past, white women would buy him something with the money, whereas black women would keep it for themselves.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

In response to Tay Mac, he always tells me how much i mean to him, he loves being around me, i clean offices on the side and he helps me without asking for any money, he does pretty much any and everything. HOWEVER, im just tired of feeling like he doesn't appreciated a black woman. He says that he has dated many other races and he and his friends all have these views about black women always in a man's pockets and how white women aren't. He also said how when he had extra money in the past, white women would buy him something with the money, whereas black women would keep it for themselves.

Is he respectful?

Is he genuinely caring?

Will he kill a **** if they do you wrong? (you know `what Im sayin! )

Does your mother and father like him?

Does he support you in most of the things you like to do/aspire to?

Do you feel comfortable around him?

Do you want to be with him everyday for the rest of your life?

Well, depending on these answers, you wont need this thread too much anymore.

 

[Ladybelle]

If anything this man is misogynistic & those type of men are usually very difficult to deal with.

I say stick with your principles/standards, if you say you don't want a man with kids then don't deal with men with kids.

 

[LivingDol1]

soooooo... he has a mysterious biracial child.... and has voiced that he thinks black women are gold diggers.....

why are you dating him? run away while you are still young! there's better out there. clearly he has issues.

 

[ebonylocs]

In response to Tay Mac, he always tells me how much i mean to him, he loves being around me, i clean offices on the side and he helps me without asking for any money, he does pretty much any and everything. HOWEVER, im just tired of feeling like he doesn't appreciated a black woman. He says that he has dated many other races and he and his friends all have these views about black women always in a man's pockets and how white women aren't. He also said how when he had extra money in the past, white women would buy him something with the money, whereas black women would keep it for themselves.

Well, if you think this relationship is worth saving, you MUST sit down and have a SERIOUS talk with him about how his "opinions" make you feel, and how it is absolutely ESSENTIAL that any children you may have together would learn nothing but pride in themselves from him.

Personally, I would have been gone from he made those statements. Like somebody said earlier, that type of man just isn't at all attractive to me. Instant elimination. However, obviously you didn't leave, so it seems you have different non-negotiable criteria.

 

[petiteNunique]

So i just told him my boyfriend how i felt and he blew up at me and told me that how he feels about other black women has nothing to do with me. I told him how he's been making me feel about his opinions and what not and he said he thought we got past this and that im throwing this in his face. He stormed out the room and wont talk to me.

 

[MuseofTroy]

So i just told him my boyfriend how i felt and he blew up at me and told me that how he feels about other black women has nothing to do with me. I told him how he's been making me feel about his opinions and what not and he said he thought we got past this and that im throwing this in his face. He stormed out the room and wont talk to me.

IF you stay with this guy then please don’t complain later on about him treating your badly. He is showing you some major red flags and I hope you aren’t ignoring them.

 

[greight]

So i just told him my boyfriend how i felt and he blew up at me and told me that how he feels about other black women has nothing to do with me. I told him how he's been making me feel about his opinions and what not and he said he thought we got past this and that im throwing this in his face. He stormed out the room and wont talk to me.

I know you must love him or have feelings for him to be in it for 2 years, but even my female friends are NOT dismissive about my feelings for certain issues. If they are, I let them know and then I ice them and the friendship. That simple. It rarely happens.

It as simple as him not talking about black women as a whole. If you turn it around, you can say that you can go in and say that black men are not educated, ain't worth ish, have children OOW and never take care of them, etc, etc, but I bet you that man will have some **** to say about that too

And his opinions have something to do with you because you ARE a black woman. WTF?

I'm on Team Dump Him.

 

[petiteNunique]

i am so thankful for all of u guys who have commented...i just feel so alone sometimes in the way that i've been feeling. I have no one to talk to about this...i just appreciate you guys so much.

 

[greight]

i am so thankful for all of u guys who have commented...i just feel so alone sometimes in the way that i've been feeling. I have no one to talk to about this...i just appreciate you guys so much.

You'll be okay. And it's time to put yourself first.

 

[TamedTresses]

i am so thankful for all of u guys who have commented...i just feel so alone sometimes in the way that i've been feeling. I have no one to talk to about this...i just appreciate you guys so much.

OP. You deserve better, you really do. Him storming out just shows his unwillingness to treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. I hope your situation works out.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Yes op, I'm glad you feel the support here. No one is trying to make you feel bad. It just unnerves me whenever I recognize a man who uses guilt as mind control.

I wish you the best and I HOPE to goodness that you are not on here in a year upset because you married and never should've. I've heard too many after the fact stories of "you were right" and it sucks (to see women get themselves in a bind, having the warnings on full display even if it's by others). Sometimes I hope I can stop it before it happens but I realize is up to the person to see it for themselves and I can only provide insight (and hope that it registers). I wish you all the best.

Realize that there are tons of women on here trying to help and we all have come to the same consensus in regards to this issue. There is no jealousy or us wanting to stop you from being happy (hating). THere is only us wanting you to be happy and seeing the possibilities of where this could lead. Any option is better than this one. Your life can only get better. Whatever you choose I hope you'll let us know as we are all pulling for you.

 

[hopeful]

So i just told him my boyfriend how i felt and he blew up at me and told me that how he feels about other black women has nothing to do with me. I told him how he's been making me feel about his opinions and what not and he said he thought we got past this and that im throwing this in his face. He stormed out the room and wont talk to me.

I don't like how he handled that, but, now you are getting somewhere. He will talk eventually I assume. This is something that must be resolved one way or the other. He must understand that how he feels will affect you and your children, especially if you have daughters. If he forces himself to imagine telling his black daughter that most women like her are gold-diggers and most white women, including his "other daughter," the bi-racial one, make better partners in general, maybe he would see how ignorant and cruel it sounds. Maybe not. I know a lot of men think this way, and believe it causes no harm, but they are wrong.

And besides this matter, the two of you have to respect each other and talk things out deeply sometimes. If you do marry him, please, please, please get pre-marital counseling that encourages and teaches how to communicate and problem solve.

I wish you all the best and I am so proud of you. Many women don't have the nerve to tackle something like this head on. If you end up breaking up, don't beat yourself up about this. This issue is very important and if it's bothering you now, it will bother you more as his wife.

And remember too, you didn't want a man with children. At your age there is no reason you have to settle for a man with a child. You don't have to settle at all. Just make sure you don't waste too much time on people who aren't worthy. The years pass by quickly.

 

[LivingDol1]

So i just told him my boyfriend how i felt and he blew up at me and told me that how he feels about other black women has nothing to do with me. I told him how he's been making me feel about his opinions and what not and he said he thought we got past this and that im throwing this in his face. He stormed out the room and wont talk to me.

got past this? he told you that he was going to stand by his assumption about all black women. that's not getting past anything. that's being a stubborn punk. clearly he is comfortable with his issues since he isn't willing to discuss with you how his statements affect you.

how could anyone be truly caring and loving if they think horribly about one group of people?

i hope you can gather the strength to walk away from him. he sounds childish. good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[Guitarhero]

So i just told him my boyfriend how i felt and he blew up at me and told me that how he feels about other black women has nothing to do with me. I told him how he's been making me feel about his opinions and what not and he said he thought we got past this and that im throwing this in his face. He stormed out the room and wont talk to me.

Your problem isn't that you don't know this is all kinds of wrong, the problem is you're living with him and don't have enough money to move out and get your own. Grab your balls up off the floor and stand tall enough to make it on your own. He gives you money...you clean houses...what does he do for a living? As long as he views you as socially (not just racially) beneath him, ....eh, forget it. The billboards of opinion have been given. Whether you ruin not only your own life but that of your children as well is up to you. You will have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life when you see your children with no self-esteem and neglected by this male (cuz he's not a man).

BTW, if you don't have anyplace to go, talk to social services right away. You are being abused verbally and he's threatened violence physically by screaming at you and storming out. You need to go to a women's shelter. If and when you do, tell them exactly what you've told us...esp. the racism.

 

[ambergirl]

So i just told him my boyfriend how i felt and he blew up at me and told me that how he feels about other black women has nothing to do with me. I told him how he's been making me feel about his opinions and what not and he said he thought we got past this and that im throwing this in his face. He stormed out the room and wont talk to me.

Sigh....this just confirms what I thought originally. This man seems both immature and insecure which is why he's so fixated on trying to define who you are and who you aren't.

His response also makes we wonder what happened to him in his life before you. He's acting like a hurt little boy which makes me think that he has some emotional issue with regards to black women.

Kudos to you for raising the issue. When he finally talks to you, and he will, it will be interesting to see what he says. Girl, whatever you do, don't let him goad you into a big hollerfest argument. Use your "I" statements (I feel this way when you say this), keep your cool, and stand your ground. He needs to know you're not going to play on his playground on this issue. If he's as good a man as you think he is, he'll come around. If not, then that will tell you what you need to know.

 

[awhyley]

His response also makes we wonder what happened to him in his life before you. He's acting like a hurt little boy which makes me think that he has some emotional issue with regards to black women.

With the mention of his mother, he sounds as if he was screwed from the get go.
(OP, I pray that everything works out in the way that you hope, but have the courage to make changes if necessary.)

 

[DayStar]

wooooooooooooow

 

[Lenee925]

It's interesting how we are given these brief moments in life where we could go this way, or that way; We really don't fully understand the consequences of either decision be they negative or positive. I was there once. Good luck OP.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

So how long are you going to ignore all these red flags?

 

[sillygirl82]

Wow. He needs to go.
1. Horrible opinion of black women and hell, all women in general. Look it from another perspective, what if your SO was non-black and told you "all black people are n*ggers, except you because you are different"? Would you be on here asking us should you stay?
2. "Claims" to have just found out about his 7 year old child and is too no account to take proper care of her.
3. Suffers from delusional victimhood. Women did or will do him wrong.
4. Some serious self-hate.'
5. Obviously broke as hell, because only broke motherfu*kers cry about golddiggers.

Honestly, if you choose to free yourself of this fool, I think you should not date for a while. You say that this is the nicest that a companion has ever treated you and I think that is really sad because this person sounds like a manipulative jacka*s. You need to work on you and do some soul-searching. You have standards that this guy cannot meet: he already has a child and he has no respect for you as a person.


You are 24. You have about 16 - 20 years more of good ovaries. You owe it to your future children to pick a proper father and provider for a husband. If that means becoming a wife and mother at 30, instead of 25, then so be it.

 

[petiteNunique]

Do you all know that he is still upset at me from yesterday after i brought up how his opinions make me feel. He still hasn't even walked through the door and its a little past 11. He never comes home this late. I was so ataken back at how he reacted when i told him how his opinions make he feel. I was totally not expecting him to react the way he did. He says that I am mad at him when he did nothing wrong....he's like i didn't physically hurt you or cheat on u so why are u upset. Yall are probabbly right..i need to have him go kick rocks.

 

[Lenee925]

Do you all know that he is still upset at me from yesterday after i brought up how his opinions make me feel. He still hasn't even walked through the door and its a little past 11. He never comes home this late. I was so ataken back at how he reacted when i told him how his opinions make he feel. I was totally not expecting him to react the way he did. He says that I am mad at him when he did nothing wrong....he's like i didn't physically hurt you or cheat on u so why are u upset. Yall are probabbly right..i need to have him go kick rocks.

I'm so sorry. I have been exactly where you are, and when I finally woke up, I moved on and discovered that there are men out there who will love you they way a good woman deserves to be loved. Not that the love of a good man validates me in any way; it doesn't. I realized that there is only one Person who could love me the way no man can; the Creator of my soul. When I got hip to this, the good men came popping up one by one.

 

[CocoBunny]

Right! And I did just that. I don't have time to be bothered with other people kids. I want my own family not a blended one. Then he sounds stupid talking about black women like that. You must feel so special. That's a red flag. Not trying to tell you what to do but just tread lightly.

WhipEffectz. I need you to get out of this thread and back over to the Swabbing Nephew thread. You cant keep us all hanging.

 

[Dak]

Do you all know that he is still upset at me from yesterday after i brought up how his opinions make me feel. He still hasn't even walked through the door and its a little past 11. He never comes home this late. I was so ataken back at how he reacted when i told him how his opinions make he feel. I was totally not expecting him to react the way he did. He says that I am mad at him when he did nothing wrong....he's like i didn't physically hurt you or cheat on u so why are u upset. Yall are probabbly right..i need to have him go kick rocks.

Hey, I just read you thread, and while I don't like telling someone to break up with their SO, from what you're written, he sounds very emotionally immature. If you can't share your honest feeling with him, w/o him turning around and throwing it back at you, now, at this stage of your relationship, which honestly is still in the honeymoon stage, there's not a lot of hope for the future when things might seriously get rough.

It doesn't sound like it's a relationship of equals, more like he's your parent that can tell you what to do and how to feel.... IDK, OP, are you sharing a place together right now? Sounds like he'd rather have a white woman, but wait, he did, and she didn't tell him about the child until 7 years later? That must have really hurt his ego, did you ever find out why it's come out just now? Does she need money?

 

[ambergirl]

Do you all know that he is still upset at me from yesterday after i brought up how his opinions make me feel. He still hasn't even walked through the door and its a little past 11. He never comes home this late. I was so ataken back at how he reacted when i told him how his opinions make he feel. I was totally not expecting him to react the way he did. He says that I am mad at him when he did nothing wrong....he's like i didn't physically hurt you or cheat on u so why are u upset. Yall are probabbly right..i need to have him go kick rocks.

So in his book so long as he's not beating or cheating on you he's cool. How old is this guy again?

 

[Ivonnovi]

OP I'm glad you've tried to discuss this with him.

My original mindset for this post was to say the following: "He's disrespecting you, and f'n you at the same time!!!!! Let that **** go! Stop letting this man belittle you, your woman hood, your race and your sisters. And please, how could you phanthom rearing his child, just to see them (esp. girls) endoctrinated with that BS. Gurrrrl, close your legs, and take your eggs and heart some place safe!!!!!!

Keep it cordial Move out and KIM!

 

[TayMac]

So do you all live in the same house/apartment?

 

[Honi]

When you tell someone truth about something it sometimes makes them uncomfortable because you just pulled the covers off of something ugly. He's surprised that you addressed it because you never said anything about it previously. He knows what he says about Black women is just ignorant. He knows it which is why he responded that way....walking out. He's a straight up punk!

A more appropriate response would have been a calm one followed by questions and a dialogue. He offered none.

I say you dodged a bullet so do YOU moving forward.