BullGirl2010
New Member
This just keeps getting worse. Please, please, please get rid of this idiot before you end up in an even deeper mess. You deserve so much more than this moron. Please!!! :blowkiss:
My man finds out he has a...
- Thread starter petiteNunique
- Start date
This just keeps getting worse. Please, please, please get rid of this idiot before you end up in an even deeper mess. You deserve so much more than this moron. Please!!! :blowkiss:
BullGirl2010
New Member
ABSOLUTELY!!!
erplexed erplexed You deserve a hell of a lot better. Not only is he manipulative but he's also a liar. What's next??? 
Yup, yup and yup.Your problem isn't that you don't know this is all kinds of wrong, the problem is you're living with him and don't have enough money to move out and get your own.Grab your balls up off the floor and stand tall enough to make it on your own.
petiteNunique
New Member
well Volver was right that we were living together;however, i was the one who allowed him to move in with me. By the grace of God I have enough to pay my rent and other utilities so i don't need him to help me pay the bills. But I do need to "grab my balls" and kick him out.lol!
You know how many women in your position would KILL to say that they could pay their own bill and have their own place?!?! You have all the power here and nothing to lose! Throw that puck-a$$ out!
I cannot believe that he says the things about BW and he's living off of you! No WONDER feels "differently" about you! You're taking care of all the responsibilties and letting him off the hook! Of course your different! If was some one else, he might have to actually accomplish something!
This story just gets worse and worse. You're young, financially independent, and have a great future ahead of you. You don't need to settle for this crap anymore. Throw him out, so you can get on with your life.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
OP, I think you want a guarantee that in a short period of time you will find another boyfriend and one who is a much better catch. But you fear "he" is not out there. No one on this board knows if and when you will meet a great guy. But it is pretty much unanimous that you are going to end up being miserable with this guy. He is not a catch. He is not even half a catch. Sometimes you have to walk away not knowing what the future holds. It's called faith. Trusting that you will be okay. Trusting that even if it takes years to find the one, you will be okay. Where is your faith? Where are your standards? Most of us on here would not want him. But only you know if you can deal with his foolishness. At some point you either say:
"This is all I can have" and settle.
Or say, "I'd rather be alone than put up with this."
Are you weak or are you strong? And you know what? Out of all the things you mentioned, it's the weed smoking that bothers me most. He's a pot head. He's wasting his life away, he can't take a drug test for a good job, he can't go back to school and get his homework done (because he's high), he probably smells of marijauna
, he is not clear-headed, he is doing something that is illegal every single day. And your young life will go down with his. And I bet he is pretty nice most of the time. Most guys like him are. He's an uneducated, weed-smoking, ignorant, unmotivated man, who moved in with YOU: of course he's pretty nice--he pretty much has nothing else going for him so he better be nice or he'd be out on the street.
But we can go on and on. It's all about what's in you and what you believe the world has in store for you. I am actually shocked that such a young woman would settle so much. I would be shocked at a 40 year old woman settling like this, but you're in your early 20's and just willing to through your life away. And the saddest part is that if you choose to marry him and have children, their poor little lives will also be in jeopardy. They will have an ignorant, unmotivated, weed-smoking father: how embarrassing and humiliating for them.
I don't know what to say. I'm sure this guy has many more surprises in store for you. He'll do things you can't imagine. The writing is on the wall and you are choosing to be blind. All I can do is shake my head.
And even scarier is that over several threads you keep revealing a little more about him, spoon feeding us like we are babies. We have not even heard the whole story (I'm sure) and we are all just done.
"This is all I can have" and settle.
Or say, "I'd rather be alone than put up with this."
Are you weak or are you strong? And you know what? Out of all the things you mentioned, it's the weed smoking that bothers me most. He's a pot head. He's wasting his life away, he can't take a drug test for a good job, he can't go back to school and get his homework done (because he's high), he probably smells of marijauna
, he is not clear-headed, he is doing something that is illegal every single day. And your young life will go down with his. And I bet he is pretty nice most of the time. Most guys like him are. He's an uneducated, weed-smoking, ignorant, unmotivated man, who moved in with YOU: of course he's pretty nice--he pretty much has nothing else going for him so he better be nice or he'd be out on the street.But we can go on and on. It's all about what's in you and what you believe the world has in store for you. I am actually shocked that such a young woman would settle so much. I would be shocked at a 40 year old woman settling like this, but you're in your early 20's and just willing to through your life away. And the saddest part is that if you choose to marry him and have children, their poor little lives will also be in jeopardy. They will have an ignorant, unmotivated, weed-smoking father: how embarrassing and humiliating for them.
I don't know what to say. I'm sure this guy has many more surprises in store for you. He'll do things you can't imagine. The writing is on the wall and you are choosing to be blind. All I can do is shake my head.
And even scarier is that over several threads you keep revealing a little more about him, spoon feeding us like we are babies. We have not even heard the whole story (I'm sure) and we are all just done.
Dak
Well-Known Member
OP, I do understand your hesitancy. There's always that fear that you'll be left with nothing, no relationship at all. But honestly, that is when you have to decide, are you going to live your life acting in fear or acting in love?
It's true, no one person is perfect. Every relationship requires you to make some compromise. There are some things, however, that are red flags from the beginning. To expect or imagine that they will change or magically go away is only deceiving yourself. Someone that lies, that refuses to communicate, that tantrums, those are red flags. You are not honoring yourself here, to expect less for yourself. I encourage to to work on yourself, look at your fears, face them and be strong. There is no question, you deserve better.
It's true, no one person is perfect. Every relationship requires you to make some compromise. There are some things, however, that are red flags from the beginning. To expect or imagine that they will change or magically go away is only deceiving yourself. Someone that lies, that refuses to communicate, that tantrums, those are red flags. You are not honoring yourself here, to expect less for yourself. I encourage to to work on yourself, look at your fears, face them and be strong. There is no question, you deserve better.
urbanchic
Well-Known Member
If OP ends up pregnant she just made a bad situation worse.
OP you are playing with fire the longer you delay. Having a peace of mind is so much more valuable than holding on to that "man".
hopeful
Well-Known Member
You knew two months in that he smoked weed daily? Two months in and you still stayed? You knew early on that he wasn't going back to school and that he was a drug addict, and you still stayed. Okay, I'm am just through. Are you uneducated too? Do you smoke weed too? Where is the compatibility? Does he even work? Does he pay at least half the bills? Why did you let a boyfriend move in with you in the first place? I wouldn't let a decent boyfriend live with me, not to mention a weed-smoking, uneducated one. Why doesn't he have his own place? What else are you keeping from us?
petiteNunique
New Member
Well here in MI, it is legal to smoke marijuana if you have a cannabis card. No, I don't smoke weed. Yes, I am educated...i will be applying to med school in August. And the reason I stayed is because i highly value my mother's opinion and she said that a man who attended college isn't everything...its the person. He's not the no motivation type of weed smoker, suprisingly. Although he smokes weed everyday, he has a snow plowing business and contributes to half the bills. And yes you are absolutely correct, I should have left two months in. I am beating myself up over not leaving then because i have just gotten myself into a huge bind.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Okay Petite, I have to cosign with hopeful on this one. Look, we all get into and stay in relationships that are not good for us. But every time you post you drop another deal breaking bomb....he has issues with black women...boom!...he lied about having a child (yes he lied)...boom!...he smokes weed every day..BOOM!...he lied about going back to school...BOOM!
What's got me shaking my head is why you post as if staying with him is a question mark. Girl, I don't care what your mama or anybody is else is saying, you know this man is not for you....so why are you REALLY staying with him. My guess would be he has some kind of long and strong dong , but would like to hear from you what it is.
What's got me shaking my head is why you post as if staying with him is a question mark. Girl, I don't care what your mama or anybody is else is saying, you know this man is not for you....so why are you REALLY staying with him. My guess would be he has some kind of long and strong dong , but would like to hear from you what it is.
~~HoneyComb~~
Well-Known Member
How is he going to contribute to paying the bills once it stops snowing?
~Sparklingflame~
New Member
Ya'll I think shes going to stay. With each and every post begging her to look at how much of a bad catch this man is and there is not nary a post telling her to stay and consider his good qualities he may have, ect, and shes still there, I think it can be concluded that she aint going nowhere.
Good luck OP!
Good luck OP!
Dak
Well-Known Member
^ Sparklingflame, I really hope you're wrong. I've seen so many women have to get to the breaking point before they consider leaving and then, sometimes, it is too late.
OP seems to have it together in so many ways, is self-supporting, going to school, but hasn't shown, at least on this thread, any self-worth, self confidence. How can you ever get what you what in life if you're not willing to try for it?
OP seems to have it together in so many ways, is self-supporting, going to school, but hasn't shown, at least on this thread, any self-worth, self confidence. How can you ever get what you what in life if you're not willing to try for it?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I agree with SparklingFlame. Now that I know she has a bachelor's degree and plans to go to medical school, knew the bad stuff early on, and still stayed, I feel confident that she's staying. I guess she thinks this is the best she can do. I wouldn't date a guy like this, not to mention live with or marry. But that's just me. I wish the OP the best, good luck, I'm done.
naturalmanenyc
Well-Known Member
I'm still trying to figure out how you are in a bind and why you are letting this POS man live in your house?
You are not married.
You have no kids with him
You can afford your lifestyle on your own
It's your house (his name is not on the mortgage/lease)
What is the problem?
You have mentioned all of his negative qualities and really nothing positive about him other than his business (although he smokes MJ every single day). Adding the surprise 7 year old mixed child should not even be an issue. You knew 2 months in that this guy was not worth your time but you let him move into your place.
It reads as if you are staying with this Black man, who does not even seem to like Black women, just because you do not want to be in the dating scene again? Your mom is right, education does not make a man. However, this guy sounds like a complete jerk based on what you have posted.
You are not married.
You have no kids with him
You can afford your lifestyle on your own
It's your house (his name is not on the mortgage/lease)
What is the problem?
You have mentioned all of his negative qualities and really nothing positive about him other than his business (although he smokes MJ every single day). Adding the surprise 7 year old mixed child should not even be an issue. You knew 2 months in that this guy was not worth your time but you let him move into your place.
It reads as if you are staying with this Black man, who does not even seem to like Black women, just because you do not want to be in the dating scene again? Your mom is right, education does not make a man. However, this guy sounds like a complete jerk based on what you have posted.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
This. Right. Here.
Tell that ninja to bounce, it's really that simple. Or at least it would be, if she really wanted to leave dude, which I'm convinced that she doesn't at this point.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Did you also tell mama he was a pot smoking, self hating a** negro who would probably singlehandedly demolish the self esteem of any daughters you all might have in the future? I'm gonna go ahead and guess no because I'm sure if you had, she'd have been telling you the same ish we're telling you now.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I think that is the problem. Her mother thinks this guy is decent and that she should not be questioning and digging around. I learned after a lot of hard knocks that if the people around you have low standards for themselves, they will have low standards for you. I used to think that if mama/cousin/friend really loved you that they would want the absolute best for you, but it doesn't work that way. If they can't see better for themselves, they can't see better for you. That's when you have to branch out, expand your social circle, and take a leap of faith that YOUR hopes and dreams are worth pursuing regardless of what others think. And I am not insulting her mother. I'm sure she is a great lady and loves the OP very much. But unfortunately she is giving her bad advice based on low expectations and the belief that there isn't much better out there for petiteNunique. My mother was the same way. She had no idea I could have the life I have. She could not even envision it.
Last edited:
qchelle
Well-Known Member
OP...I'm really not understanding your hesitation to break up with him. You're afraid of not meeting anyone else?
You're 24...about to go to medical school. Surely there will be men there for you to meet, no? You're about to meet an entirely new group of people. You'll meet someone, girl
Although, before you start dating again (when you break up with this fool), I hope you take a break for a while and evaluate why you attracted this loser in the 1st place. Also realize why you stayed for so long. Don't wanna be in this situation again
You're 24...about to go to medical school. Surely there will be men there for you to meet, no? You're about to meet an entirely new group of people. You'll meet someone, girl
Although, before you start dating again (when you break up with this fool), I hope you take a break for a while and evaluate why you attracted this loser in the 1st place. Also realize why you stayed for so long. Don't wanna be in this situation again
soulfusion
Well-Known Member
I agree. OP this is a classic case of that "a piece of a man is better than no man at all" mentality. Your Mama might think that's okay, but is it okay for you? A relationship with a shaky foundation seldom leads to peace of mind at home, which I believe everybody needs. However, only you know what you need. You have a bright future ahead and I cannot see this guy truly being supportive of you. Sounds like he might think he's found himself a meal ticket. I couldn't do it, but good luck with whatever you decide to do.
pisceschica
Well-Known Member
delete 
Last edited:
LovelyNaps26
Well-Known Member
OP,
My dear, you are living in DECEPTION. You have not been tricked or lied to. He has shown you who he is and yet you are WILLFULLY accepting that this is the best you can you. This is deception.
For example: If someone told you a glass of water was poisonous and you in turn throw it away, that means you are willing to respond to truth. If however you insist that the water is not toxic and drink it nonetheless, then you are an accomplice in YOUR OWN demise b/c God blessed you to hear the truth and you still ignored it.
I don't know if you are a believer or not but this scripture came to mind:
Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. -Galations 6: 7-8 (The Message version)
My dear, remove the weeds from your life before they choke you. Real talk.
My dear, you are living in DECEPTION. You have not been tricked or lied to. He has shown you who he is and yet you are WILLFULLY accepting that this is the best you can you. This is deception.
For example: If someone told you a glass of water was poisonous and you in turn throw it away, that means you are willing to respond to truth. If however you insist that the water is not toxic and drink it nonetheless, then you are an accomplice in YOUR OWN demise b/c God blessed you to hear the truth and you still ignored it.
I don't know if you are a believer or not but this scripture came to mind:
Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. -Galations 6: 7-8 (The Message version)
My dear, remove the weeds from your life before they choke you. Real talk.
LoveLongLocks
New Member
That quality alone is not desirable.
If he values you, then he would value your feelings. If this is a relationship that you believe is worth continuing and that he really loves you, discuss these specific concerns with him. Listen to him - not just his words, but his body language, tone & attitude. If he does not see there is a problem, and is not willing to readjust his thinking... you may save yourself from a painful marriage.
Let alone - if you are to marry YOU will be supporting another child (directly or indirectly). Baby Momma + relatives = drama. Instant "Mommy" status to a child, that may not respect you. Possible preferential treatment over your children with him. There is always a chance that this child can decide to live with you - he's going to have to spend time with her - and keep in contact with an ex.... you would really be starting your marraige on rocky grounds. You are young - if you have doubts...listen to those feelings...
I hope things work out for you.
LoveLongLocks
New Member
- GIRL... I am just now catching up to the weed smoking issues...
When you have kids - then what? Not marriage material. Your Mother is not the one who will be raising this child of his? Dealing with him...feeling unhappy... hurtful comments... lower self esteem. I agree that college is not everything. But, with all do respect - it does sound like your are settling.
You are in no "bind" - You will be if you get married.
Walk away while you still can. Don't worry about the dating pool - there are good men out there...
DarkVictory
Well-Known Member
Something in this does not add up. If it's just a question of being alone, you could find someone with a lively **** and a snowplow who is NOT a dishonest, irresponsible substance abuser.
Is the real problem you can't face your mother's anger/disappointment if you get rid of this guy? Does she not want you to go to med school?
Is the real problem you can't face your mother's anger/disappointment if you get rid of this guy? Does she not want you to go to med school?
HauteHippie
Well-Known Member
This whole situation is so awful. You might want to break up with him before the stress of med school.
So wait... You mean to tell me that you're going to med school and he has a seasonal business... And you're the gold digger?
The irony of his Black women stereotype is that I've heard White men say the same thing about White women-- and I still don't like it. Do you really want to have children with this man? You're 24, that's YOUNG. There are plenty-o-fish in the sea.
Don't settle.
On to the next one...
So wait... You mean to tell me that you're going to med school and he has a seasonal business... And you're the gold digger?
The irony of his Black women stereotype is that I've heard White men say the same thing about White women-- and I still don't like it. Do you really want to have children with this man? You're 24, that's YOUNG. There are plenty-o-fish in the sea.
Don't settle.
On to the next one...
Medical school? If you can find some threads here from people going through medical school, interning, and their residency. You do NOT need stress like this when you going to be doing 60+ hour weeks for few years. Being a doctor is lot of work and stress. Keeping him on will just harm your chances.
A doctor huh? Wow, hasn't he hit the jackpot....
A doctor huh? Wow, hasn't he hit the jackpot....
Similar threads
