My man finds out he has a...

[Katherina]

Please note that him having a child is the least of your worries

Yes. If you take the child out of the picture, his situation is still shady. I think you know this.

Wait, so the white woman that just told him about his child that's been in this world for 7 years and is always asking him for money hasn't "done him wrong" and been a golddigger? But the black women have? GTFOOWTBS!! OP, you need to get out of this relationship because he's dumb as hell and lacks common sense and reasoning skills, if for no other reason!

and THIS! Why in the world is he singling black women out as golddiggers when his white woman ex is asking him for money?! He's making no sense at all!

 

[Mai Tai]

he says that if i were to break up with him that would be considered doing him wrong. He says that black women have done him wrong in the past

Soooooo...ummmm...yeah...I'm going to sit this one out...

 

[Starian]

Where is Jersey and her Newports? it's one thing to be a douche, but he's a douche with a child from out of nowhere who clearly does not like black woman and has the logic/reasoning of a bag of rocks. I'd leave him for being stupid before I left him for the kid, honestly.

 

[ThickHair]

The funny thing about it is that the woman is always asking him for money, yet he still says that black women are gold diggers. He also told me that if i were to break up with him that he would probably date a white woman since me and other black women would have done him wrong

She shouldn't have to ask for money, he should be freely giving it and doing for his child. I don't see an issue with this. She is not a gold digger she is the mother of his child. Again for the 1000x when a man is so worried about golddiggers, chances are he doesn't have that much gold in the first place.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

we have been together for two years and he wants to get married this summer...i just feel like if i end it i will have a hard time finding a man who treats me as well...and then i feel like my biological clock is ticking to get married and have a child.

See this is where there's a problem the whole I don't know if I can find anyone else to treat "me as well". Really? He makes you feel bad about your race, AND you don't want to be a step mom. You've taken care not to have kids and he has them. So you're going to get two things you don't want...

If that doesn't help let's put this into perspective that most women don't because he is wonderful and ....okay so do you want your kids, or your little girl (who is black) to sit around hearing her father say how white women are superior? DO you want that in her ears, and in her heart, and in her mind when she walks out into the world? Then one day you're wondering why she has low self esteem and keeps attracting losers. BUT then you'll think back and realize it all started with you.

You can't make a decision about marrying a man without making a decision about having a husband and a father. IF a man is not worthy of ALL of those positions then he is not worthy period. No matter what. It's that simple.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

he says that if i were to break up with him that would be considered doing him wrong. He says that black women have done him wrong in the past

So what? That makes me think of Ike: "you gonna leave me just like all the others?" Tina: "no Ike"

when the answer should've been "heck yeah duces" Or rather nothing and then a packing of the bags late at night.


I realize he's not beating you , and a movie reference is not a little out there, but I'm just proving a point. Who cares what the jerk thinks about what is doing "him" wrong. What about you and what you want. If he was concerned with you he wouldn't tell you how black women are no good and gold diggers and on and on. Seems to me like he's trying to put you in your place so that you'll feel grateful to marry his sorry arse. Like smoke and mirrors, he's trying to trick you into looking past his b.s so that you'll get to that finish line of marriage.

And there's more...what do you think...he's treating you well now? Well he's already revealed what he thinks about black women and he knows you're afraid to dissapoint him. What do you think will happen after marriage? I mean he already is systematically hacking away at your self esteem now (but not you I mean the other black women)...when do you think he's going to turn that hatred on you or do you think you're immune? It's coming....it's just a matter of time....(and I'm not suggesting physical abuse but I'm definitely suggesting mental...it's already started).

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

This story sounds familiar.

When exactly did he find out about his daughter---are you sure he's "just finding out?"

 

[MzLady78]

Is he a millionaire? Cuz if not, then what the hell does he have going on that would have "gold digging" Black women after him?

I hate n*****like this. If you prefer WW, fine, but at least have a reason that makes some damn sense.

I understand how you feel about the kid, but I think that's gonna prove to be the least of your problems with this dude.

 

[MzLady78]

he says that if i were to break up with him that would be considered doing him wrong. He says that black women have done him wrong in the past

And I'm sure that has NOTHING to do with his twisted views on BW.

Gimme a effin break. This dude is piece of work, sounding like Ike Turner.

 

[p31woman]

He sounds like a real catch!

If you don't want anyone with kids. dump him. its just that simple.

How long have you both been together?

 

[petiteNunique]

we have been together for two years.

 

[hopeful]

The funny thing about it is that the woman is always asking him for money, yet he still says that black women are gold diggers. He also told me that if i were to break up with him that he would probably date a white woman since me and other black women would have done him wrong

The bolded did it for me. Seems to me he'll always be pining for a white woman. If you marry him you are going to be in for a lot of heartbreak. He has a right to his own opinions and you have the right to marry a man who meets your standards: no children and loves black women.

 

[MD_Lady]

we have been together for two years and he wants to get married this summer...i just feel like if i end it i will have a hard time finding a man who treats me as well...and then i feel like my biological clock is ticking to get married and have a child.

Please don't do this to yourself. If you want to end your relationship, but decide to marry him any way for the reasons you gave, you will wind up resenting him AND being angry with yourself. There are worse things than being a single woman with a ticking biological clock and being married to the "wrong" man is DEFINITELY one of those things.

 

[MzLady78]

The bolded did it for me. Seems to me he'll always be pining for a white woman. If you marry him you are going to be in for a lot of heartbreak. He has a right to his own opinions and you have the right to marry a man who meets your standards: no children and loves black women.

I agree with all of this.

I can total see the OP and this a** clown getting into arguments and him going "see, this is why I shoulda married a white woman" or some bs like that.

OP, I have a few years on you, so I completely understand the whole wanting to settle down/biological clock thing. But believe me when I tell you, your chances of living happily ever after with this fool are slim to none.

 

[Kurlee]

i'm sure that he may be a good man in other ways, but maybe this happened as a blessing to show you these negative traits. I'm not feeling the whole "black women are gold diggers" crap. How can you be a gold digger when there's no gold to dig? stff like that makes me sick. Also, after bashing black women, he has a child with a white woman from way back when? I can almost guarantee if ya'll ever have children, he will treat his white looking children differently than the "black" looking ones. Girl, run for your life.

I really hope you can get through this, because it sounds painful, especially since, I'm sure despite his ignorance, there may be some good qualities in him. I hope everything works out for you

 

[Kurlee]

The funny thing about it is that the woman is always asking him for money, yet he still says that black women are gold diggers. He also told me that if i were to break up with him that he would probably date a white woman since me and other black women would have done him wrong

wow, so she's always asking for money, but black women are the gold diggers? So basically, she gets a pass because she's whiteerplexed. That is very telling of how he sees black women and how much value he ascribes to them.

 

[Makenzie]

The funny thing about it is that the woman is always asking him for money, yet he still says that black women are gold diggers. He also told me that if i were to break up with him that he would probably date a white woman since me and other black women would have done him wrong

Red - isn't she the mother of his 7 yr old?erplexed Is he not taking care of his child financially now that he knows he has a 7 yr old?

Pink - Ummm, he sounds like a woe is me type. Always the victim. You breaking up with him is not doing him wrong. It means you two weren't/aren't compatible. He knows how much you dislike hearing him put down black women, so he's trying to give you a guilt trip by telling you if ya'll break up he's going to get a white woman.sad:

If this is a situation that distresses you now, it will only get worse. And if you have a daughter with him you will always be worried about her self esteem knowing how her own father disdains black women.

 

[Poohbear]

we have been together for two years and he wants to get married this summer...i just feel like if i end it i will have a hard time finding a man who treats me as well...and then i feel like my biological clock is ticking to get married and have a child.

@ the bolded part above... Are you sure??? erplexed
From what you have been saying about his opinion of black women, it does not sound like it.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

So my man just found out he has a 7 year old child. I am 24 years old and he is 28. Honestly, this is not what I wanted, as I wanted to start a family with someone who does not have kids...i just don't know what to do. A lot of times the whole situation bothers me a lot. Sometimes I do not know if I want to stay but at the same time he is a really good man. Another thing that bothers me is that he has the mindset that most black women are gold diggers and that white women are not like that. He says this is the reason why black men marry white women when they get rich. He says that i am different from most of the black women he has dated. But still, im like don't diss my race of women. All of this just really bothers me. I asked him if he will teach his future black daughters that black women are gold diggers and he said no, but that if they ask for his opinion, he would say yes. His current child is biracial but appears to be white. I don't think that he would tell her the same thing. I just don't know what to do about the whole situation...i don't know whether to stay or what. How would you all feel about all of this?

He calls me a black panther since i stick up for my race of women

Sounds like he hates black people or at the very least black women.

Personally I couldnt be with a man who has such disdain for black women, especially after the bolded comment he made.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

we have been together for two years and he wants to get married this summer...i just feel like if i end it i will have a hard time finding a man who treats me as well...and then i feel like my biological clock is ticking to get married and have a child.

Dont get married under pressure. I dont really want to say this, but it wont be a good thing for you IMO.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

@ the bolded part above... Are you sure??? erplexed
From what you have been saying about his opinion of black women, it does not sound like it.

It does if he wants someone to mentally whip into submission. You're thinking logically but he's at the opposite spectrum.

In his skewed logic: white women are better, and aren't gold diggers (though his baby mama asks for money all the time), and that black women suck, are gold diggers (though op has not mentioned asking for money) and oh yeah he wants to marry her (so he can continue to tell her every day how black women suck and also his future children with her).

He wants someone to berate....he can't do that with a white woman. He can only get nods to "white women are better" when what he wants to do is turn someone into Celie from color purple (head dropped, shoulders down) by getting into a black woman's head about herself and it serves him better to do that directly to a black woman over a lifetime of married hell. Because why else would he date her in the first place if white women are so wonderful? Uhm..he's an insecure jerk who wants to torture a black woman mentally basically.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

he says that if i were to break up with him that would be considered doing him wrong. He says that black women have done him wrong in the past

I swear I must know his dude b/c he sounds JUST like somebody I know. Your man ounds like he is a selfish bastid. Im willing to bet that he doesnt even treat you all that well either. You said he teats you better than your past men, but does this necessarily mean hes treating you right, just better.

From your statements about him I SERIOUSLY doubt it.

I could be wrong b/ I dont know you or him so......

 

[Melody.Monroe]

we have been together for two years and he wants to get married this summer...i just feel like if i end it i will have a hard time finding a man who treats me as well...and then i feel like my biological clock is ticking to get married and have a child.

Please don't settle. None of us know what really is going on behind your closed doors except for what you tell us. But from what I have read, you are staying out of FEAR and not leaving out of FAITH. You already answered your questions. You know that you wanted a man WITHOUT kids...you said a Black man should UPLIFT a black woman....you said that he makes you feel BAD about yourself from his opinions. Send him on his way with his white lady that he really wants! If you stay and marry this man out of fear that you won't find a man that will treat you BETTER than you are going to be MISERABLE for the rest of your life. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do pray for exactly what you want...be SPECIFIC...write the vision and make it plain. God has someone for you and that someone will not make you doubt yourself or the situation. IMO, you can do SO MUCH better!!

 

[awhyley]

and then i feel like my biological clock is ticking to get married and have a child.

You're 24 years old! 24!!! What are you talking about biological clock young one?

The fact that he is the person that has treated you better than any other man so far does not mean that he is the best person for you. Do not sell yourself short by settling for less than you know you deserve.

Cause this man sounds as if he's a problem. Not the fact that he has a kid, him in his thoughts and words.

He also told me that if i were to break up with him that he would probably date a white woman since me and other black women would have done him wrong

They were doing him wrong because they found out that he was an idiot and left him? Yeah, they really made a mistake with that one.

Seems to me like he's trying to put you in your place so that you'll feel grateful to marry his sorry arse.

Best post! Please take note of this. PLEASE!

I can total see the OP and this a** clown getting into arguments and him going "see, this is why I shoulda married a white woman" or some bs like that.

You know that's right. Every time OP 'steps out of line', he'll reel her back in with that one.

It's really quite simple; he has kids, you don't want to raise someone else's kids. You don't have to tell him that you feel that he has a problem, or anything like that. Breaking up is hard, but its worth it in the long run, when it's the wrong person.

 

[ebonylocs]

Another thing that bothers me is that he has the mindset that most black women are gold diggers and that white women are not like that. He says this is the reason why black men marry white women when they get rich.

He sounds like an idiot.

I guess Donald Trump's wives and Billy Joel's wives all missed the memo he got. And all those WW really wanted those BM before they got rich.

he says that if i were to break up with him that would be considered doing him wrong. He says that black women have done him wrong in the past

Emotional blackmail and dirty manipulation. This guy wants to tie you to him by guilt. He is not even allowing you space to do what's right for yourself.
He sounds like one of those bitter, misogynistic men who believe women owe them something, and could very well harm women who don't fall into line.

He has a right to his own opinions and you have the right to marry a man who meets your standards: no children and loves black women.

Basically.

 

[p31woman]

He sounds like an idiot.

I guess Donald Trump's wives and Billy Joel's wives all missed the memo he got. And all those WW really wanted those BM before they got rich.


Emotional blackmail and dirty manipulation. This guy wants to tie you to him by guilt. He is not even allowing you space to do what's right for yourself.
He sounds like one of those bitter, misogynistic men who believe women owe them something, and could very well harm women who don't fall into line.


Basically.

This is exactly what I was thinking!

 

[TamedTresses]

Aww...p31woman, your lil girl looks so precious!

 

[Poohbear]

It does if he wants someone to mentally whip into submission. You're thinking logically but he's at the opposite spectrum.

In his skewed logic: white women are better, and aren't gold diggers (though his baby mama asks for money all the time), and that black women suck, are gold diggers (though op has not mentioned asking for money) and oh yeah he wants to marry her (so he can continue to tell her every day how black women suck and also his future children with her).

He wants someone to berate....he can't do that with a white woman. He can only get nods to "white women are better" when what he wants to do is turn someone into Celie from color purple (head dropped, shoulders down) by getting into a black woman's head about herself and it serves him better to do that directly to a black woman over a lifetime of married hell. Because why else would he date her in the first place if white women are so wonderful? Uhm..he's an insecure jerk who wants to torture a black woman mentally basically.

Interesting. I can see it from that standpoint as well...

When I initially asked petiteNunique "Are you sure???" I was really asking her, "Are you telling the truth to us on LHCF?" and "Is it really YOU wanting to marry him?" I know there's a lot of pressure on black women when it comes to marriage, and when talking to other women (like us on LHCF), I know some woman may make it seem like her man wants to marry her when he really does not (hope that makes sense).

 

[awhyley]

^^^ Ditto. 'He wants to be married in the summer' Has he asked you OP? Or you you just making plans, while he's just leading you on?
(this is important)

 

[Poohbear]

^^^ Plus, if a man is planning on marrying a woman soon, he wouldn't be saying things like, "If I break up with you, I would date white women." Even if marriage wasn't planned yet and he was just simply THINKING about marriage, he wouldn't say things like that either.