My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[nathansgirl1908]

Well, here's another SAHM living in luxury SMDH. I'mma just leave that whole ludicrous claim alone. There is SO much hate for SAHMs it's ridiculous. Either we are all fat and ugly and stupid, or we are selfish and greedy and lazy, or we are destroying feminism... Anyway.

.

She didn't say being a SAHM meant LIVING IN LUXURY. She said it IS a luxury.

And how does saying that equate to hate for SAHM's? I think sometimes SAHMs are just unnecessarily sensitive and read things the wrong way. No one has any reason to have hate about the SAHM role or even care if someone is a SAHM.


As for this cheating thing, I can understand why this would be the thought process, but right now I definitely think she needs to find out more information before actually being affirmative about it.

 

[shinyblackhair]

I'm curious when the money thing came up -- is your husband contributing less money? Could be a number of reasons why. Hopefully you have transparency in finances.

We have always had money issues over the years. And I have done everything from in home day care, working at a grocery store (against his wishes, cuz he was embarassed) to administrative assistant work, which is my "trade" so to speak, although I'm out of touch with microsoft skills. I have temped on and off for YEARS. I even did a work at home order entry agent thing (it didn't work out due to a lack of hours). He wants me in a permanent FULL TIME job.

He works manual labour type jobs. He went to HS in Jamaica but, doesn't have his Canadian HS equivalency...I've encouraged him to get it...I practically forced him to get the study book from the library but, it's been sitting on the bookshelf for weeks now...prob overdue, lol. His current position is the most he's ever made and way more than I've ever made. I once made 21.80 as an executive assistant that was a 3 month contract back in 09. I've temped on and off over the summer too...So when I think of it, it's not like i've been here just straight through not ever leaving the home to earn a penny. But truthfully, I've never been a permanent, on the books with benefits employee since 2002. I've done it in house too. And whenever I have earned money I don't go buy shoes and clothes with it. I feel that the intensity of his discontentment with me stems from his lack of enjoyment in his life...he loves money, nice things...he wants to be the next Jay Z and feels he may make it big as a rapper...

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Okay so all of his complaints have a common theme. I have heard many SAHMs say that their husbands have said similar things. As someone else said in this thread, this man has been vilified because he now is feeling financial pressure after supporting you for some years as a SAHM. despite the potential cheating and everything else, I think some credence should be given to his complaints. When someone complains along a consistent theme, listen.

It sounds like he has lost respect for you as a sAHM. Lots of men feel this way. He isn't unique in this regard. And like someone else said, have you taken a good hard look at yourself. TRULY?


Yes, this is abuse, but he's been trying to tell you something.

She's been raising his children just up until this year until the youngest entered school, she had a purpose, making sure his children were safe, raising them--you can't put a price on that.

Also, this may be a complaint among some men, and I guess my DH is unique (and I'm sure a lot of SAHM can agree with that) because he's never pressured me to get a job, even when the kids were off to school, it's always been a choice as to whether I wanted to work or not, as long as one of us were home when they were home from school.

I thought men wanted to make life easier on their wives, and if possible not want them to have the added pressure of a job and raising children, unless that what the wive wanted, and that's okay.

Maybe I've had it too good

 

[MissMasala5]

Okay so all of his complaints have a common theme. I have heard many SAHMs say that their husbands have said similar things. As someone else said in this thread, this man has been vilified because he now is feeling financial pressure after supporting you for some years as a SAHM. despite the potential cheating and everything else, I think some credence should be given to his complaints. When someone complains along a consistent theme, listen.

It sounds like he has lost respect for you as a sAHM. Lots of men feel this way. He isn't unique in this regard. And like someone else said, have you taken a good hard look at yourself. TRULY?


Yes, this is abuse, but he's been trying to tell you something.

He sure is.

He's trying to tell her that he has utterly no respect for her as the mother of his children. That he thinks very little of their children's upbringing, even though the ideal situation for any parent is to raise their own children on a daily basis. He's telling her that if she continues to stay with him, that his abuse of her will only get worse as time goes on. He's telling her that she deserves much, much better from a husband.

So yeah, he's telling her LOTS I hope she hears him.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

*sigh*

ETA: maybe he wants you to work fulltime so he can spend more time in the studio spitting his lyrics IDK why but as soon as I hear men say they want to be "rappers" my respect immediately goes out the window.

We have always had money issues over the years. And I have done everything from in home day care, working at a grocery store (against his wishes, cuz he was embarassed) to administrative assistant work, which is my "trade" so to speak, although I'm out of touch with microsoft skills. I have temped on and off for YEARS. I even did a work at home order entry agent thing (it didn't work out due to a lack of hours). He wants me in a permanent FULL TIME job.

He works manual labour type jobs. He went to HS in Jamaica but, doesn't have his Canadian HS equivalency...I've encouraged him to get it...I practically forced him to get the study book from the library but, it's been sitting on the bookshelf for weeks now...prob overdue, lol. His current position is the most he's ever made and way more than I've ever made. I once made 21.80 as an executive assistant that was a 3 month contract back in 09. I've temped on and off over the summer too...So when I think of it, it's not like i've been here just straight through not ever leaving the home to earn a penny. But truthfully, I've never been a permanent, on the books with benefits employee since 2002. I've done it in house too. And whenever I have earned money I don't go buy shoes and clothes with it. I feel that the intensity of his discontentment with me stems from his lack of enjoyment in his life...he loves money, nice things...he wants to be the next Jay Z and feels he may make it big as a rapper...

 

[kmn1980]

My mom told me I could come to her place, but really? That's just kind of out of the question. Waay to shameful too.

It's better to look bad and win than to look good and lose.

 

[awhyley]

I have to ask this for all those who said she should talk it out.
Should she still talk it out?

Yes, she needs to know where she stands. If she makes these changes, i.e. learns to drive and gets a job, etc. can the marriage he saved? Will his attitude change? Will the tension and name-calling etc. cease in the home, well just end period. OP has stated that she feels that even with the changes he still might leave, but she needs confirmation either way. Either he's in or he's out.

It sounds like he has lost respect for you as a sAHM. Lots of men feel this way. He isn't unique in this regard. And like someone else said, have you taken a good hard look at yourself. TRULY? Yes, this is abuse, but he's been trying to tell you something.

He's playing the blame game. NO MAN should be that disrespectful to his woman. Or disrespectful period.

I'd like to know how you would even approach a man like the OP's husband to talk anything out.

It seems (from the OP's post) that this man has checked out a long time ago.
How should the conversation go?
And, even if she came at him trying to get answers, at this point, would she get the truth?

This is what I wonder. If he tells her that things would change, she would still have to 'wait and see' whether he adjust his behavioral pattern.

he wants to be the next Jay Z and feels he may make it big as a rapper...

Oh sweet Jesus . . .

 

[MissMasala5]

She's been raising his children just up until this year until the youngest entered school, she had a purpose, making sure his children were safe, raising them--you can't put a price on that.

Also, this may be a complaint among some men, and I guess my DH is unique (and I'm sure a lot of SAHM can agree with that) because he's never pressured me to get a job, even when the kids were off to school, it's always been a choice as to whether I wanted to work or not, as long as one of us were home when they were home from school.

I thought men wanted to make life easier on their wives, and if possible not want them to have the added pressure of a job and raising children, unless that what the wive wanted, and that's okay.

Maybe I've had it too good

ITA w/the bold.

 

[Michelle1971]

We have always had money issues over the years. And I have done everything from in home day care, working at a grocery store (against his wishes, cuz he was embarassed) to administrative assistant work, which is my "trade" so to speak, although I'm out of touch with microsoft skills. I have temped on and off for YEARS. I even did a work at home order entry agent thing (it didn't work out due to a lack of hours). He wants me in a permanent FULL TIME job.

He works manual labour type jobs. He went to HS in Jamaica but, doesn't have his Canadian HS equivalency...I've encouraged him to get it...I practically forced him to get the study book from the library but, it's been sitting on the bookshelf for weeks now...prob overdue, lol. His current position is the most he's ever made and way more than I've ever made. I once made 21.80 as an executive assistant that was a 3 month contract back in 09. I've temped on and off over the summer too...So when I think of it, it's not like i've been here just straight through not ever leaving the home to earn a penny. But truthfully, I've never been a permanent, on the books with benefits employee since 2002. I've done it in house too. And whenever I have earned money I don't go buy shoes and clothes with it. I feel that the intensity of his discontentment with me stems from his lack of enjoyment in his life...he loves money, nice things...he wants to be the next Jay Z and feels he may make it big as a rapper...

@ the bolded
So in other words, he wants you to contribute to the household finances so HE can get nice things, which is probably one of the reasons why he went out and got the motorcycle.
Well, since you have worked on-and-off, you should be able to get back in, at least temporarily. When you do, he doesn't have to know how much you are bringing in, that way you can start your stash. You can fill out your direct deposit form so that some goes into one account and the rest goes somewhere else.
Each post makes me sadder and sadder.

 

[awhyley]

He sure is.

He's trying to tell her that he has utterly no respect for her as the mother of his children. That he thinks very little of their children's upbringing, even though the ideal situation for any parent is to raise their own children on a daily basis. He's telling her that if she continues to stay with him, that his abuse of her will only get worse as time goes on. He's telling her that she deserves much, much better from a husband.

So yeah, he's telling her LOTS I hope she hears him.

PREACH!!! Didn't want this post to get lost in the maylee (sp?).

 

[BillsBackerz67]

So basically it seems like OP's husband wants her to get a job for materialistic gains.....and if he is that heavily influenced by rap culture...he more than likely is cheating Having hoes in different area codes is expected behavior.

 

[shinyblackhair]

I'd like to know how you would even approach a man like the OP's husband to talk anything out.

It seems (from the OP's post) that this man has checked out a long time ago.

How should the conversation go?

And, even if she came at him trying to get answers, at this point, would she get the truth?

Exactly and then when I try and talk it out I get the blame game or he just doesn't want to talk about it. He wants me to figure it out, on my own. Sweep it under the rug and then then let it build up and then freak out at me again.

 

[ConstantlyDynamic]

yeah, i think that the "luxury" comment was taken wrongly. if you need an extra income, you HAVE to work and there are tons of women who would rather be with their children and can't because they need that extra money. at the same time though, there are SAHM's who want to work but aren't able to for various reasons. being given the opportunity to work would be a luxury to them. if we make the home the default luxury status, then that's like forgetting that women all have different perspectives and goals. isn't that what the new feminist doctrine is about? women being able to make their own choice? so i don't know if i'd call being a SAHM a luxury- it depends on how the individual views their situation- sorry if i'm off-topic

a rapper? nooo girl run. i also think that it's a bad sign that he isn't even making the effort to get the Canadian HS equivalency. if this is something that would help him get better jobs, he should be doing it.

 

[ebonylocs]

Exactly and then when I try and talk it out I get the blame game or he just doesn't want to talk about it. He wants me to figure it out, on my own. Sweep it under the rug and then then let it build up and then freak out at me again.

If I were you, I would ask myself this question:

"Do I want to remain in this marriage?" (I know what my answer would be, but I'm not you.)
This is the most important question. And all your actions should flow from that. Does it make you happy? Based on all you have said, it would seem you have cause to be very unhappy

If the answer is no, then you don't even need to ask him anything, just make your plans and step.

If you do want your marriage, then I would ask *him*: "Do you want to remain in this marriage?" Have you ever asked him this? What did he say? If he says, "Yes," then you will need to know from him what he thinks would make the marriage work from here on out.

Either way, you need to know where you stand.

 

[ambergirl]

More and more I am starting to think this isn't about you at all. Sounds like he's going through some kind of mid-life crisis and is still hanging on to boyhood delusions of fame. The kind of insults he's hurling at you are to convince himself that what he's feeling or doing is justified because you are just so bad. In my experience the insults are rarely if ever true. Even if you were to become the perfect, toned, working wife he would STILL find something to be critical about (probably how you were ignoring him or were a bad parent now that you were working).

In dating relationships, I've found that when men start acting like everything about either you or the relationship is wrong, they are hoping you will end it. It's the cowards way out. I don't know if this holds true for marriage or not, but your mom's offer to let you stay with her for awhile might be worth considering. I will give both of you some space to decide next steps.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Shineyblack -

*lights up yet anotha newport one hunnit n pours me some mo covah-see-ay*

Right now, to me, the bigga issue is not so much the cheating, in my opinion. you know in ur heart he out der cheatin, so what more proof do u need?

First n foremost, I wouldn't go no gotdayum where. u will leave and go where? ur mothers? hell nawww....stay there. das ur house too. all of that "it would be too shameful...." put ur pride to the side n do whatchu gotta do for u and dem chirren.

das ur house and even tho u dont have a job, u still have a vested interest in it just as much as he do. so what he don't like u there.... tell dat phucka to git on his bike n ride off a short cliff....

u have resources, but u keep lookin at dis situation with rosey colored glasses. if i read right, i think u said ur MIL or someone lives not too far by. you need to get off da internet and out of that house n start hittin da pavement. let the kids go to their house while u job hunt. you won't be doin it for him, but u would be doin it for you and your kids. i understand ur hurt, but u need to grab ur big girl pannies n handle ya bidness. i know it's hard, but u gotta come up outta ur emotions and think for YOURSELF.

*puffs n sips*

cuz if u don't...lemme tell u what will happen. while u sittin up in da house all day, worryin about him, your hair will fall out, gain weight, etc. u can't let urself go like dat...specially behind no man. phuck dat shyt. next thing, he's wif his ho, and u lookin a hot mess. chile puleez....you are worth more than that.

success is the best revenge.

right now, u have to get ur own identity. anotha thing, stop callin da family membas n tellin them ur bidness. das a no no. cuz see, all they gonna do is call him and tell him whatchu said....then sit back n watch him do da shyt to you again....then watch u fail. next they'll be sittin round tawkin bout how dumb u are for puttin up wif it, whatcha shoulda did n all dat bu'shyt.

call some of ur friends up and start networking to find a job. maybe a receptionist or sumfin. u know how to ansa a phone dontchu? something to getchu thru. u need to get out da house. i said it before..idle time is da devil's time. work as a security guard at night so u aint gotta lay wif him....sumfin.

dayum da drivin lessons for right now. u can take dat 3 hunnit u was gonna spend for drivin lessons and put dat up in da bank.

*puffs n sips*

sorry dis is long yall...but this just reiterates why i tell my daughter GOD BLESS THE CHILD THAT HAS HIS OWN......always have ur own shyt. own seperate bank account, money in a sock, whateva. own retirement, own everything even when ur married cuz u just neva know. neva allow a man to have that much control ova you....bein dyckmatized is a summa bytch fa real. but when u get outta dat trance, it ain't no game.

iight....i gotta hit da gym. take care, keep ya cool, don't say nuffin to him and strategize. don't tell ya bidness on whatchu plan to do, just do it. but one thing for sho, and i think i took n told u earlier. i wouldn't leave my house.

 

[shinyblackhair]

yup his "things" that he's into lately is:

1. motorcycle riding
2. hanging with the guys (supposedly)
3. getting a rap career going

He does his obligatory stuff with us, drops us at the door, switches from the van to the bike and is gone. If I get upset then he says I'm trying to control him, I'm treating him like a boy, I can't tell him what to do...

 

[MzLady78]

1. I don't "work" (a paid job)

2. I'm not loving when the fact of the matter I'm "always" the initiator of intimacy (I have to wake him up to get some, lol)

3. I treat him like a boy - meaning I ask him where he's been and where he's going and why didn't you answer the cell phone when I call. Since I don't work I shouldn't ask him a damn thing.

4. I supposedly leave it all to him and don't worry about the bills. I'm just sitting here...

Extremely mean things he's done and said:

1. Told me that I'm worthless and have no ambition
2. Told me that I serve no purpose in this house and that I might as well leave.
3. Took my bank card out of my purse when he percieved that I was getting ready to go out one day.
4. Something else waaay to humiliating to repeat but I told his mom and she in turn told his aunt in JA who had to put in a call and ask him WTF is wrong with him.
5. He's sick of me, tired of me, I'm boring, can't stand me.
6. I'm like a child who has just left her mother's home.
7. Brings up that I can't fend for myself, don't have a job, can't drive
8. I'm beginning to sense that he find's me physically unattractive - he'll stare at my tummy and poke it. I'm 5'1 and 140 lbs. I know I need to lose weight.
9. He's said before that this is HIS house and I have put nothing in it.

man I could go on and on...

eta: he shaved off all his pubic hair including the ballz...said it's b/c its uncomfy when he ride the bike. Make of that what you will...

Wow....

Yeah, I think it's time to go, mama.

 

[MissMasala5]

@ThatJersyGirl, you're advising that she stay in a home with a man who has hit her and seems to verbally abuse her regularly? Are you for real?

ETA: NM, guess you missed that bit.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

sorry dis is long yall...but this just reiterates why i tell my daughter GOD BLESS THE CHILD THAT HAS HIS OWN......always have ur own shyt. own seperate bank account, money in a sock, whateva. own retirement, own everything even when ur married cuz u just neva know. neva allow a man to have that much control ova you....bein dyckmatized is a summa bytch fa real. but when u get outta dat trance, it ain't no game.

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAVE YOUR OWN MONEY ALWAYS. I have noticed around here people like to talk about the husband being the provider and taking care of the household and glamorizing it like it's cute. But it isn't cute when you don't have a pot to piss in and nowhere to go and you have made HIM your life.

Even if you want to be a SAHM, this is proof that you need to get yourself set up before you do it. Don't just assume that he will always continue to have the same goals or continue to have your back the way he did when you first got married. This is an age old story but women still don't seem to learn lessons from it and continue to put themselves in these kinds of predicaments.

And I agree about using the money for the driving lessons for something else.

 

[TayMac]

Wow so much to catch up on...I really don't have any advice b/c I have no experience in this situatation but just hope that you will keep your head up and do what needs to be done. I do question if he is totally honest about his income, savings, etc.

You are still young, so all hope is not lost. I guess for anyone else reading..its a good idea to nip these issues in the bud when they arise because everything is coming to a head now and the options aren't abundant.

Op do you what you need to do and take care of your emotional and mental health.

 

[FlowerHair]

He started shaving his balls...???
He calls himself "single" on fb?

I want to slap this man so bad...

I'm going to say a prayer for you OP. For you and your children. :Rose:

 

[Bmack]

I have to ask this for all those who said she should talk it out.

Should she still talk it out?

Um no she shouldnt. She and her children should head for the damn hills. I am just wondering why him saying she needed to work sparked more concern than him verbally, physically and mentally abusing her.

OP, I would run not walk back to my damn parents, but I suppose you are not ready to do that or you would have done so already. I really wish you all the best. I think you need the support of people that love and support you. You need to realize your worth (job or not) and get out of this situation. I do not believe in telling people to leave their relationships, but abuse is never tolerable.

 

[MzLady78]

@ThatJersyGirl, you're advising that she stay in a home with a man who has hit her and seems to verbally abuse her regularly? Are you for real?

HOLD UP!

I must have missed where she said he hit her. Oh, hell no.

 

[MissMasala5]

Hmm, I guess TJG missed that post and subsequent comments, too.

I used to come back with insults but, now I just take it...I've heard all these things before...he NEVER apologizes. We just don't talk for a day or two, but then I will "be the bigger person" and let it go. We never talk it out, when I do, he says it's my fault. Due to my situation what can/could I do. The last really bad episode, he hit me on my arm (because I threw the cordless phone against our new bed) I was pissed at him b/c he wouldn't answer the cell phone and wouldn't just say where he was. He didn't want to be questioned like a "little boy".

I had told my mom and my neighbour about it (and my MIL and SILs). My mom told me I could come to her place, but really? That's just kind of out of the question. Waay to shameful too.

HOLD UP!

I must have missed where she said he hit her. Oh, hell no.

 

[LoveLongLocks]

OP I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please keep yourself in prayer as much as possible, and make the best decisions for you and your kids - with or without him.

 

[ambergirl]

He started shaving his balls...???
He calls himself "single" on fb?

I want to slap this man so bad...

I'm going to say a prayer for you OP. For you and your children. :Rose:

Flowerhair when you started listing out the offenses it's like...DANG....why is anyone cutting this man any slack? Seriously is there anyone here who honestly thinks a married man with bare balls sporting single status on his Facebook page (and deleting wifey as a friend) who verbally abuses his wife, and tells her is tired and bored with her is leaving anything to the imagination????

These aren't signs....this is like a multimedia broadcast going out on all channels. OP, I feel for you, and I truly hope you are serious about taking big giant leaps towards protecting yourself and your children through this madness.

 

[Transformer]

I'm sure this post will go "against the grain" but if I left.....I would leave the kids. He needs to have all the responsibility of a "family man." Do not make it more convenient for him to live the lifestyle he wants. I think this is the mistake many divorcing women make.

Men can take care of children. I would use the time to get myself together both mentally, career. and financially.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

I'm sure this post will go "against the grain" but if I left.....I would leave the kids. He needs to have all the responsibility of a "family man." Do not make it more convenient for him to live the lifestyle he wants. I think this is the mistake many divorcing women make.

Men can take care of children. I would use the time to get myself together both mentally, career. and financially.

I didn't want to say it but I would too...I completely agree.

 

[MzLady78]

I'm sure this post will go "against the grain" but if I left.....I would leave the kids. He needs to have all the responsibility of a "family man." Do not make it more convenient for him to live the lifestyle he wants. I think this is the mistake many divorcing women make.

Men can take care of children. I would use the time to get myself together both mentally, career. and financially.

Why, so he can be resentful and take it out on them?

He clearly doesn't want the responsibiities of being a husband/father. I'll be damned if I'm gonna gamble with the well being of my children to prove a point.