My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[Transformer]

Why, so he can be resentful and take it out on them?

He clearly doesn't want the responsibiities of being a husband/father. I'll be damned if I'm gonna gamble with the well being of my children to prove a point.

I don't recall any posts about him being an abusive father. But they are his kids TOO. If she works he would have some childcare responsibilities, so I say let him have them all.


Why do women think they are the humans that can do it ALL.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I get your point Transformer, but if he's abusive/hitting the mother of his children, then, in a lot of cases, that abuse will eventually trickle down to the children.

She didn't mention that he was an abusive father, and if it was a case where they were to end on friendly terms because of irreconcilable differences...perhaps that could be an option, but this doesn't appear to be the case.

 

[TayMac]

If he has the kids, won't she have to pay child support?

 

[Transformer]

If he has the kids, won't she have to pay child support?

She doesn't have a job or income....so what child support? She's leaving because her DH has announced to the world that he is single. Let's see all the honeys he can attract with 4 kids. If she is left with the kids and no job....his child support won't be enough to survive which will create bigger mental issues for her.

I tell women they do not have to be Superwoman.

 

[MzLady78]

I don't recall any posts about him being an abusive father. But they are his kids TOO. If she works he would have some childcare responsibilities, so I say let him have them all.


Why do women think they are the humans that can do it ALL.

I know she didn't say that. But do you honestly believe based on the behavior he's been displaying that he's fit to take on raising 4 childen on his own? OP already said he's on some "I wanna come and go as I please" ish.

It's not about thinking you can do it all, it's about doing what's in the best interest of the kids and NOTHING in this thread leads me to believe that leaving them with him is it.

 

[TayMac]

I'm not aganst kids going with their dadbut this isn't one of those instances to me. She hasno income now but eventually she will have to work. Hurt his pockets but don't hurt the kids anymore than they have to be.

She doesn't have a job or income....so what child support? She's leaving because her DH has announced to the world that he is single. Let's see all the honeys he can attract with 4 kids. If she is left with the kids and no job....his child support won't be enough to survive which will create bigger mental issues for her.

I tell women they do not have to be Superwoman.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

@ThatJersyGirl, you're advising that she stay in a home with a man who has hit her and seems to verbally abuse her regularly? Are you for real?


He hit her? I musta missed that. I woulda called the cops. This is a tough situation and its up to her on what she does. She got 4 kids & no job. Im not sayin stay in an abusive relationship. Im looking at it from a stand point of if she leaves, she abandons the marriage. I don't know what Canadian laws are, but I tell you what. I wouldn't make the first move to roll out. Leave and go where with 4 kids and no job? Its a shytty shytuation.

All those kids know is home, so its not just about her, its about those kids too and whatever she decides will impact those children. Disruption in schools, behavioral problems, etc.

If he wanna run around with hot balls, shavin his nuts n shyyt then HE needs to get out. Yeah, Im serious.

He probably shaved his balls for one or two reasons. Objects in mirror appear larger affect or day bama was burnin and he ridin round town on his bike with hot bald nuts. Where they do that at.

 

[carolinetwin]

WOW…Erm….I confess to being more than a little surprised at those of you who’ve chosen to jump on the “she hates SAHM” bandwagon. Like nathansgirl said – Luxury and Luxurious are two different things. Just like poverty is relative, so is luxury. I don’t think you sparklingflame and ladyp appreciate how lucky you have it. Some people need the money so bad, that they HAVE to work. There’s no option of going back to work when you feel like it or when the kids go back to school. So yeah to me, you have it pretty damn good.

@shinyblackhair – it sounds to me like you’ve both done things in your marriage that have not been the best decisions. Marriages don’t breakdown through the actions of one party and as you’ve said, you’ve done somethings in the past that have had a lasting effect on him. That said, if you really feel this relationship is over, then fine, do what you need to do to secure your childrens future. Even if you manage to get some child support out of him, you need to get your situation together. Imagine if he goes back to Jamaica or god forbid, he dies, you won’t be getting that child support and you WILL have to “fend for yourself”

You’ve painted this picture of your husband as a domineering controlling character and you as a meek frightened mouse. Do you not go toe to toe with him in arguments? Do you not abuse him back? All too often people tell a one sided story – not out of malice, but just because when you’re hurt, you see things only from your perspective. As with any story, there’s his side, herside and the truth…..You and hubby need to find the truth TOGETHER, if it’s worth finding that is.


@ambergirl – yes I agree, if the relationship is truly dead, then yes she should start planning strategically, but don’t do something that will make the man resent you even more than he does now.

Side note - if the roles were reversed and shinyblackhair was the breadwinner and hubby was the SAHH, would you be as sympathetic if she decided she didn’t want to carry the load anymore and wanted to relive her youth?

 

[Michelle1971]

Side note - if the roles were reversed and shinyblackhair was the breadwinner and hubby was the SAHH, would you be as sympathetic if she decided she didn’t want to carry the load anymore and wanted to relive her youth?

No...even if the roles were reversed, she would be wrong as well
Sorry, but reliving your youth is not an option anymore when you take the responsibility of being a wife/husband/parent. Relive your "youth" when your kids are out of the house and you are retired. However, he is showing signs of not just reliving his youth. He is being reckless (ain't no way in hell would I allow my DH to get a motorcycle regardless of finances...and he used to ride one), and he is exhibiting abusive behavior, and potential cheating, which you are not taking into account.
SMH...

 

[ambergirl]

WOW…Erm….I confess to being more than a little surprised at those of you who’ve chosen to jump on the “she hates SAHM” bandwagon. Like nathansgirl said – Luxury and Luxurious are two different things. Just like poverty is relative, so is luxury. I don’t think you sparklingflame and ladyp appreciate how lucky you have it. Some people need the money so bad, that they HAVE to work. There’s no option of going back to work when you feel like it or when the kids go back to school. So yeah to me, you have it pretty damn good.

@shinyblackhair – it sounds to me like you’ve both done things in your marriage that have not been the best decisions. Marriages don’t breakdown through the actions of one party and as you’ve said, you’ve done somethings in the past that have had a lasting effect on him. That said, if you really feel this relationship is over, then fine, do what you need to do to secure your childrens future. Even if you manage to get some child support out of him, you need to get your situation together. Imagine if he goes back to Jamaica or god forbid, he dies, you won’t be getting that child support and you WILL have to “fend for yourself”

You’ve painted this picture of your husband as a domineering controlling character and you as a meek frightened mouse. Do you not go toe to toe with him in arguments? Do you not abuse him back? All too often people tell a one sided story – not out of malice, but just because when you’re hurt, you see things only from your perspective. As with any story, there’s his side, herside and the truth…..You and hubby need to find the truth TOGETHER, if it’s worth finding that is.


@ambergirl – yes I agree, if the relationship is truly dead, then yes she should start planning strategically, but don’t do something that will make the man resent you even more than he does now.

Side note - if the roles were reversed and shinyblackhair was the breadwinner and hubby was the SAHH, would you be as sympathetic if she decided she didn’t want to carry the load anymore and wanted to relive her youth?

There are plenty of marriages and relationships that break down because one partner behaved like an arse....plenty. But your point that we don't know the whole story here is well taken.

Still, it sounds like you're defending him. Who gives a rat's patootie whether her actions cause him to resent her more? How much worse could it get.? In my experience men act out like this precisely because the woman they're abusing doesn't speak up or defend themselves. Most likely if they were going toe to toe on the regular this relationship would have blown up a long time ago. No, he's doing what he's doing because he can...plain and simple.

And if the roles were reversed and she was running around with a bald t**t, verbally abusing her husband, calling herself single on Facebook and spinning dreams about being the next Beyonce ...folks would be tearing her arse up. LHCF is ruthless when it comes to irresponsible or ho3ish behavior.

 

[HappilyLiberal]

Um no she shouldnt. She and her children should head for the damn hills. I am just wondering why him saying she needed to work sparked more concern than him verbally, physically and mentally abusing her.

OP, I would run not walk back to my damn parents, but I suppose you are not ready to do that or you would have done so already. I really wish you all the best. I think you need the support of people that love and support you. You need to realize your worth (job or not) and get out of this situation. I do not believe in telling people to leave their relationships, but abuse is never tolerable.

Thank you...

OP you need to remember your mom gave birth to you. When you pop something that big out of something that little, you become attached really quickly. My guess is that if your mom knew most of the stuff you've told us, she'd already be over there--probably with a big dude or two to beat his a$$ if he tried to interfere while she was getting you and the kids out of there.

OP... this is not the time to be prideful. You need to save yourself and your kids. You do not want your three daughters thinking his treatment of you is the normal treatment women should expect from their husbands and you for damn sure don't want your son modeling his behavior.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Sigh. Some of y'all I'mma just leave that be for right now. Shinyblackhair, you have been working all these secretarial jobs during the marriage, so by my understanding (probably the judge's, too) you are not going to be considered a "displaced homemaker" and the spousal support you'd be entitled to would be minimal based on that fact, at least here in the US.

It also hit me... Canadian dollars are not worth the same as US dollars, so I don't know how to assess his pay now. I had been going by the rule of thumb that double the hourly wage = the # of thousands per annum ($26/hr = $52,000/yr) but since he doesn't even have a HS diploma that seems unlikely to be an accurate estimate. $52k here is about what an accountant with a Bachelor's can earn, that's probably not equal to what your DH takes in.

I say all that to say: You need a job, yesterday. Whether you stay or go, you need your own cash, ASAP.

 

[fluffylocks]

I think his "momma" comments, and the whole worthless/you need a job are because he wants you to be independent, and him as well...he wants you to worry about doing something with yourself and having your own goals just like he does with his working, rapping, motorcycle and friends.

But I think he has different goals for you then you have for yourself-because of him being embarrased of you working at a grocery store
Whatever the reason his hobbies have changed (cheating, whatver), he should have got all of that out when he was younger, thats why i think he brings up you partying in your 20's.

I think it would be helpfull to know what his biggest dreams would be for himself, and you figure out yours.
IMO his are alittle extreme with the rapping, and yours are average with SAHM But whatever your dreams are work for them, you have your own likes and dislikes for a reason. That way you wont feel any kind of way when he starts putting his expecations of what you should be on to you.

I think that cheating, and unhappiness, or different goals can be worked past in some situations, but I dont really feel that way about talking meanly or putting your SO down/verbal abuse. Espcially coupled together. If that was my SO, and we did stay together, it would be after he realized what he was missing, and i got myself together and independednt. But even that would seem like a struggle, because at that point you would be ready to leave him at any time, and I think the OP may have wanted a complete secure loving relationship, not one about upperhands.

 

[fluffylocks]

With the SAHM luxury thing- The real issues at the core imo are:
Is the man able to take care of his whole family by himself, or can he manage/budget it with alittle money?
And then which sacrifice do you want to make- Stay with your kids, clean cook ect and not work, or work and have less time with your kids and to cook, clean ect
And then how do you feel w/a man supporting you, and are you able to support yourself?

I think people get offended that some SAHM dont understand that not everyone can afford to do it and that some women would like too.
That some people are raised w/SAHM and others werent, so some think its useless or/and that a working mom can do everything a SAHM can, no difference.
That some think that a "real man" should be able to provide for his whole family
That some think you can depend on a man, and others dont
That some dont think a woman should or has to be a homemaker, that its from old ideals
And that some women feel empowered or that its the right way to be able to take care of yourslef and kids or help support your family.

I think if you have a man you can depend on and that can pay all the bills, even if the money is tight(if it doesnt bother you), thats great. Because IMO there are alot of benefits of a SAHM. (espeically imo when kids are in there later years when alot of people let them watch theirselves, when kids can skip school, get involved w/the wrong crowd, bring girls/boys home) But that you should have other skills, so you should do schooling or classes when you have time- even something like CNA or an admin. assistant certificate,..I personally think it would be the perfect opportunity to work on a big degree. Or to have your degrees/certificates done already before you are a SAHM. Or use your natural hobbies or intrests to start a buisness or make money with it somehow. And build a work history when possible.


And always the basics like driving, bank account, own phone. And some privacy/personal time so that its not always about kids, home or the SO.

 

[dannie]

Okay so all of his complaints have a common theme. I have heard many SAHMs say that their husbands have said similar things. As someone else said in this thread, this man has been vilified because he now is feeling financial pressure after supporting you for some years as a SAHM. despite the potential cheating and everything else, I think some credence should be given to his complaints. When someone complains along a consistent theme, listen.

It sounds like he has lost respect for you as a sAHM. Lots of men feel this way. He isn't unique in this regard. And like someone else said, have you taken a good hard look at yourself. TRULY?


Yes, this is abuse, but he's been trying to tell you something.

??? Wow. Really? I wasn't even going to comment in here because OP has been given excellent advice far beyond my level of wisdom, but this is comment is just crazy to me. What, this is all justified because she doesnt have a job?

When I read OP detail what her husband said to her, I literally was in tears because it was the SAME verbatim crap my dad would tell my mom...and my mom had a job making almost as much as him. When a man wants to break you down he will use any, and everything he can against you. Thats people in general.


OP THIS MAN IS ABUSING YOU!! I would be willing to bet $$ he can be snarky with their kids when he's upset too.

She needs to get as far way from him as possible. Cant you read her post and tell he has robbed her of her self esteem? That she was actually starting to believe his diatribe? I really dont think she even realizes she's being abused.

Anyway, best of luck to you and your family OP..your in my prayers.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

^^^I'm beginning to think that the OP being a SAHM has very little to do with what's going on with her DH, but yet, some of the comments want to make that be the MAIN issue.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

??? Wow. Really? I wasn't even going to comment in here because OP has been given excellent advice far beyond my level of wisdom, but this is comment is just crazy to me. What, this is all justified because she doesnt have a job?

.

No, but it explains some of his resentment. I need for people to realize that not all of his complaining was just an attempt to place blame on her to alleviate his own fault. I think he was genuinely resentful. There are times when some husbands start to feel the strain of poor financial situations and get resentful of a wife who is continuing to insist on staying at home even when it is clear that she can no longer afford to. And that is the gist I got from her first few posts. she was almost whining about the fact that he wanted her to get a job and folks were acting like it was criminal of him to do that. My point is that his frustration has some merit and should not simply be discounted as cheating or abuse. Yes, there is more to the story, but that small part should not just be ignored.

Also, in response to some, so what if he did ant her to work so they could afford more nice things? What's wrong with that?

 

[MD_Lady]

^^^I'm beginning to think that the OP being a SAHM has very little to do with what's going on with her DH, but yet, some of the comments want to make that be the MAIN issue.

I don't think it was ever really the issue. As a matter of fact, I don't think she is even the issue. IMO, her husband wants to step out in favor of something new and is dogging everything he's leaving behind in the process. A woman being a SAHM is a sore spot for some couples, but I think it's a smoke screen (put out there by the husband) for this one.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

IMO delivery means everything.

I'm getting from the OP that he didn't come to her saying "Baby, things are getting a little tight around here, and since JR has now gone to school, perhaps you could get a job to help make ends meet--that would really help a lot"--I'm not sure that the conversation went down like that.

I'm all for a wife helping out financial when a couple feels they are in a bind, there is a way to work around that. Like I said in one of my earlier post, she could have probably got a part-time job to help take some of the pressure off of him and still be able to perform her motherly duties.

But from the posts that the OP wrote, he's more into doing for himself.

Also, I'm thinking that the OP going out and getting a job is something that was dumped on her recently--I wonder did they have a conversation about this before their baby entered school, or had he mentioned this to her after each child?

I could be wrong, these are just senarios that come to mind.

 

[frida1980]

Women have long said something to me. Some consider it pessimistic, but I think it's good advice. Always be sure that you have a job and can make money. That's because when it's time to go, you go. There will be no tears or hesitation. When you have to leave, you need to do it with out feeling like your trapped.

It's upsetting to see all the warning signs in the OPs marriage. Even if she had been working and taking care of her end, this man would still find some way to blame her for the problems in his life. The truth is it's over for him. He doesn't want to be married to her anymore. He's only going to get angrier and more hostile because he resents her presence in his life. I think he's deluded himself into thinking that if he didn't have you or the kids to deal with, his life would change for the better. Let him delude himself into thinking that without you he could become a millionaire rapper. But in the mean time, it's time to go.

I think the scariest thing will be the fact that now you will have to work from now on. Child support will not cover the bills, and you need to support yourself and your kids. What's good is that you have an older child that can take on more responsibility. However, the weight of the divorce is going to hurt the children. Having your parents help out in the first months will make all the difference. Be brave, your life is going to change for the better and worse. But it's far better than staying with an unstable, unfaithful, and ungrateful jerk.

Sigh...
It really are post like these that make me want to avoid marriage all together.

 

[Westend_Girl]

Please don't claim this.

You both married while still growing and maturing, so of course he isn't the man you married. With personal growth comes change and certain realizations and not all them will be comfortable to the other party. If you feel your marriage is worth saving, seek counseling. In the meantime, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get all your ducks in a row. Best to you.

I personally think he believes has grown past her. He doesnt respect her anymore iMO. I mean it's one thing to be a SAHM, it's another to not have any hobbies or ambitions, like furthering education, side job, etc. 15 years together and the most she's looking for is office work(a highs chooler can do this), doesnt seem like much growth was done and when you're around people who've done more with their lives(doesnt evne have to be jumpoffs, amybe even the new friends making comments, seeing their gfs or whomever do whatever, watching co-workers, etc) things like that, I dont know if after 15 years, I feel my SO is stagnant aside from child rearing, other people or situations will start looking better to me as well..jus' saying

OP, I think you should at least get a part time job, all this "sit and wait so the courts can give you more money" is degrading IMO. Your kids deserve better than that.

 

[MissJ]

Okay so all of his complaints have a common theme. I have heard many SAHMs say that their husbands have said similar things. As someone else said in this thread, this man has been vilified because he now is feeling financial pressure after supporting you for some years as a SAHM. despite the potential cheating and everything else, I think some credence should be given to his complaints. When someone complains along a consistent theme, listen.

It sounds like he has lost respect for you as a sAHM. Lots of men feel this way. He isn't unique in this regard. And like someone else said, have you taken a good hard look at yourself. TRULY?


Yes, this is abuse, but he's been trying to tell you something.

The man is cheating, plain and simple. When men start cheating, they find fault in their mates where there was none before. He has to convince himself that the wife is that bad so that he won't feel he is doing anything wrong by cheating. He has to place the jumpoff, who has a job, above the wife to convince himself that he's made a good decision by jeopardizing his entire family! He doesn't answer the phone when the wife calls, doesn't tell her where he is and doesn't want her checking up on him, because he is with the jumpoff at those times! The jumpoff may or may not know he is married. He picks fights, because he wants to be free to do whatever he wants with the jumpoff.

OP, do not take his complaints to heart. He'll say anything to keep up the discord in that house. He's the problem, yet he's trying to deflect the attention off of himself by making up bogus complaints about you. Some of us here know the game. These cheaters all follow the same formula. I hope you can separate the good advice from the bad advice in this thread.

 

[MissJ]

I don't think it was ever really the issue. As a matter of fact, I don't think she is even the issue. IMO, her husband wants to step out in favor of something new and is dogging everything he's leaving behind in the process. A woman being a SAHM is a sore spot for some couples, but I think it's a smoke screen (put out there by the husband) for this one.

Yep, like Michael Jackson sang in one of his songs, this man is "throwing the rock and hiding the hand." While she's focusing on the rock, he's hiding the real issue.

 

[carolinetwin]

No...even if the roles were reversed, she would be wrong as well
Sorry, but reliving your youth is not an option anymore when you take the responsibility of being a wife/husband/parent. Relive your "youth" when your kids are out of the house and you are retired. However, he is showing signs of not just reliving his youth. He is being reckless (ain't no way in hell would I allow my DH to get a motorcycle regardless of finances...and he used to ride one), and he is exhibiting abusive behavior, and potential cheating, which you are not taking into account.
SMH...

I agree with most of what you’ve said. I’ve not condoned his behaviour. He’s going through some things (mid-life crisis ..whatever you want to call it) so yes, he is acting like a fool. However, he has been supporting his wife and family for 15 years – he probably feels like he’s owned an indulgence. I can understand how he feels. I remember my dad would say wistfully to me, that there was so much he wanted to do when we were kids but couldn’t – thankfully he never did what OPs husband is doing but I can understand.

There are plenty of marriages and relationships that break down because one partner behaved like an arse....plenty. But your point that we don't know the whole story here is well taken.

Still, it sounds like you're defending him. Who gives a rat's patootie whether her actions cause him to resent her more? How much worse could it get.? In my experience men act out like this precisely because the woman they're abusing doesn't speak up or defend themselves. Most likely if they were going toe to toe on the regular this relationship would have blown up a long time ago. No, he's doing what he's doing because he can...plain and simple

Hmm, well again, I’m making the point that this marriage is failing through the actions of both people. Yes, at the present time, he’s the one who appears to be really digging a grave for the marriage but like I said, it takes two to make a marriage and two to destroy it. He feels the way he feels because he feels trapped. He’s in a manual job and still has aspirations and he has a wife who (no offence OP) doesn’t seem to have those aspirations. Yeah, he’s resentful.

I’ll bring in some personal history here – my own parents went through this. My mother got pregnant with me and my grandfather forced him to marry her. He always made it plain that intellectually, she was not on his level. He encouraged (coerced) her to better herself, because he wanted a wife who wanted to successes. He had that immigrant spirit of making something of yourself in a new land. They would fight all the time about money and my dad’s residual resentment at being forced to marry her. It was not a pleasant tapestry upon which my childhood was painted. My mother finally dusted herself off (after years of being weak and whiney) and got herself two degrees and a professional job. My parents are divorced now, but she always says, that no matter how much she resented him, if it wasn’t for my dad, she wouldn’t be where she is today, professionally and financially.

I guess this is why, I personally would never allow any man to control me or my finances.

And if the roles were reversed and she was running around with a bald t**t, verbally abusing her husband, calling herself single on Facebook and spinning dreams about being the next Beyonce ...folks would be tearing her arse up. LHCF is ruthless when it comes to irresponsible or ho3ish behavior.

Okay, just asking the question.

 

[Honey Brown]

In the heat of arguments he will threaten to leave and tell me he's so tired of me and sometimes I fight back and say well maybe I'll leave and he'll say to me: "where will you go?" "you have no money and no job" I swear the things I put up with for these kids...

Lately, I've caught him looking at me...staring at me...not with an angry or disgusted look, but just looking. I'll turn to him and say "What!??!" and he'll just say "what's wrong with looking at my wife" I wonder if he really is disgusted with me. Maybe he's comparing me to someone else...when we watch tv together he always vocalizes who is "so cute" "so sexy" and he will say it over and over...kinda rude and disrespectful. He loves to tell me how the ladies like him and let's me know in no uncertain terms that women find him attractive...

Sorry I got sidetracked from the whole job thing...guess I should be looking at the online classifieds instead of LHCF, LOL!

I am really sorry that you are going through all of this and I hope that things will eventually work out for you and your children. But I have to say this: Your husband sounds like he has a serious problem. That staring stuff has me a bit worried. WHO DOES THAT??!! And he is being hurtful and nasty,saying that crap to you about other women,finding him attractive,and who is cute/sexy on tv!!?? Please be careful......I wouldn't trust him. He thinks he is slick. He has something up his sleeve....but if you play your cards right,(you have been given some great advice by some of the other ladies here, you can beat him at his own game).

 

[Honey Brown]

He used funds from a line of credit to buy the motorcycle against my advice. However, since I have no job and no money and won't be paying it back (his words, not mine) I can't tell him what to do. I wanted money to go to school and he's acting like it's a big deal.

He could find money to buy a damn motorcylce(a luxury,not a necessity) but he couldn't help you to return to school??!!! And he is complaining about you not working! That is simply ridiculous.....yeah.....he's up to something alright....

 

[spelmanlocks]

The SAHM thing could be an issue. I know because I saw my own parents go through this. If your DH is stressed out OP and tired of carrying the load financially it could cause him to lash out at you, resent you, and lose respect for you. I say this from personal experience. You said you all have struggled financially and that he wants more as far as materialistic things out of life. And there is nothing wrong with wanting nice things in life. Some people can sacrifice that but others cannot.

Now nothing excuses abuse at all. I think you both should try counseling if you can. It actually did work for my parents which is why I'm a pusher for it. Also, as others stated you need to get a job and license so you can gain some independence, I think it will make you feel better too. So much verbal abuse can start to make you doubt yourself and have low self esteem.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

He could find money to buy a damn motorcylce(a luxury,not a necessity) but he couldn't help you to return to school??!!! And he is complaining about you not working! That is simply ridiculous.....yeah.....he's up to something alright....

All of you who are claiming that he is justified at having no respect for her since she is only a SAHM with no ambitions need to consider that fact- she wanted to go to school! HE SAID NO. So clearly he's not got all these lofty ideals that she should be all that she can be like him x 1,000 lmao this dude has done nothing but menial labor and refuses to even get a high school diploma that is recognized by the country he's lived in for at least a decade and a half! So let's not fall for the okey doke about how she needs to be all ambitious and whatnot. Because he himself has demonstrated clear lack of ambition in his own career, and he patently refused to assist her in her plan of going to school.

Plus, she later told us that she did work during the marriage, and he even got an attitude about it because he didn't like the loss of face of her working there caused *for him*. The OP HAS helped out financially with temping jobs and working at the grocery during the marriage. She HAS tried to better herself. HE doesn't want that... my guess is that he wants her to be squarely UNDER him, so that he can denigrate her and bully her.

He wants to break her down. If she was working it would be him saying she's not got a promotion (while he's working blue collar) or him saying she's not a good enough mother, not pretty enough, something, ANYTHING will suffice when he wants to justify doing dirt.

 

[nikki2229]

Sigh. Some of y'all I'mma just leave that be for right now. Shinyblackhair, you have been working all these secretarial jobs during the marriage, so by my understanding (probably the judge's, too) you are not going to be considered a "displaced homemaker" and the spousal support you'd be entitled to would be minimal based on that fact, at least here in the US.

It also hit me... Canadian dollars are not worth the same as US dollars, so I don't know how to assess his pay now. I had been going by the rule of thumb that double the hourly wage = the # of thousands per annum ($26/hr = $52,000/yr) but since he doesn't even have a HS diploma that seems unlikely to be an accurate estimate. $52k here is about what an accountant with a Bachelor's can earn, that's probably not equal to what your DH takes in.

I say all that to say: You need a job, yesterday. Whether you stay or go, you need your own cash, ASAP.

Lady P, Canadian money is pretty much on par with U.S. money (sometimes they are actually stronger than the dollar) so your estimate is pretty much correct. He has a JA HS diploma not a Canadian one.
You would be surprised at the amount of money some blue collar workers can make. I just have an Associates in Science and make as much or more than my friends who have masters degrees.
My DH has some college but no degree and he makes over 1.5 times my salary while working no overtime. I had friends get caught up in the prestige of their DH's job title and try to look down on us but they weren't making nearly as much. So I just Kayneshrug and KIM..
Sorry to get off track but the figure you came up with is accurate.

I know it seems like a little $ to live off but if OP's DH was able to provide for 6 people plus housing expenses and pay for a motorcycle while hanging out with his friends then he is doing better than we think. Most people have a hard time maintaining a house for themselves and maybe 1 dependent on 50k but they have made it for 15 years. So I am sure whatever amount OP gets from alimony and child support(if she takes the divorce route) will be a great asset to the $20 plus jobs she has been able to command without a degree, etc.

OP, I pray that things work out the best way possible for you and your children.
Lady P, you have given great advice throughout this thread.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

If a man is resentful of his SAH wife, he's not handling is business. She is taking care of his home and his children. That's nothing to take lightly. Especially when they came to a joint decision for her not to work. If he is no longer happy with their arrangement, he needs to work with her to find a solution that works for both of them. You don't cheat, and you don't start verbally abusing your spouse. That's not how a real man would handle it, anyway. I can't believe some of you are trying to rationalize his behavior.