My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

Status
Not open for further replies.
Unfortunately you're right. It's sad that in some instances women have to fear for their own lives because their husbands are crazy. Not trying to scare you OP but Im sure you watch the news and see these crazy things happening, and I also would not eat anything he prepares :nono:


Yeah but I don't know if I would eat anything he cooked.

At this point, OP, you better also watch your back. I will leave it at that. Hopefully you get my drift. And make sure you HIDE the passport.
 
:lachen: :lachen:

Hoonnnneeeeeeyyyyyyyyy, as I started to read MORE I was like "WTF?" Deleting her off FB, making his status single (facebook's the devil, I tell ya), telling her to get a job, picking fights for no reason, purchasing a motorcycle when you have FOUR KIDS, A WIFE and make $26 AN HOUR is the sign of a man having a mid-life crisis and making stupid decisions all for some vayjayjay. He's cheating. No doubt. :nono:


I'm going to repeat this...

Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter were all created by Satan to help idiots make bigger fools of themselves!
 
Gurlllllll if it wasn't for programmes like CSI, I woulda said kill the madda fakka.

Are you looking the best you can? If not, I want you to work on yourself. I can already see you're beautiful on the inside, but men don't cross the road to speak to a woman's soul. I want you to look sexy errr'day. I think a lot of men cheat because they get tired of seeing their wife in sweatpants. And some sideline h0e is always wearing the sexiest clothes. That is a general remark, I'm not aiming it at you specifically. Just what I've heard.

Who da fack does this guy think he is by deleting you off facebook. I want you to go to a photoshoot gurl, and make that your profile pic. And When he comes home from work, I want you walking around naked eating a strawberry. (slowly) Sorry I was going somewhere with this, but I forgot.

I think the advice several people gave you was great. Whilst you do all of that, make sure you looking hawt mamma. Visit some online-dating sites, upload that photoshoot pic (always delete site history) and speak to men, be smart about it, and start taking your phone when you go for a piss too.

The quickest way to get over a man, is to get under another. Just when you do please make sure the other is making more than $26.

ETA: I'd say get a job on the side, one that pays cash and hopefully nobody can trace it. I can't say anymore than that.. I hope you see where I'm going with this.

P.s revenge is sweet.

Fack Karma.

Hint* You cook the food he eats.

I'll stop there. IPs can be traced.


See... I'm going to have to put you and JerseyGirl in the corner so ya'll can be watched!
 
Threads like this make me NEVER want to get married..
and if I do, I'm not birthing more than 1-2 kids, F that!

This is a sad situation, I'm so sorry OP.
 
This has gotten worse and worse. OP, I hope you can get your license. Do you have family you can get the money from? With you at home, no job, with the money being rationed to you and no license, he has you boxed in. I wouldn't ask him for anything else but a divorce at this point.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
 
I'm in absolute awe of this. OP, my heart goes out to you. And LadyP, MAJOR props to you for calling this from the beginning and your advice!! I agree with all of it.

This situation makes me glad I'm in grad school and am aiming to have a career of my own before I even consider getting married and having kids. Even having a pre-nup is looking like a viable option to me. My mother is a SAHM and it has worked fine in my family. Her situation is entirely different from yours though.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately you're not the first. I hope you're able to protect yourself and your children and please keep us updated.
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this OP :bighug:

I asked DH to read the OP and OP's subsequent posts and his opinion is that your husbands sounds like someone who wants to leave the marriage.
 
Last edited:
I was thinking about the OP last night... I can't wait to hear what happened after the children went to bed. He was silent while he was cooking because he was :scratchch trying to come up with some feasible lie or way to mind-fluck the OP into not trusting her own eyes, or how to turn it around on her some kind of way.

I'm really surprised that anyone could not think this man is cheating. EVERY sign of cheating is present in this case. What other logical excuse is there for all of this? Really? Really, though? I guess some women won't believe it until the man moves in with the side-hoe. That day is coming, BTW. It's anybody's guess when exactly it will happen, but happen it will.

Oh, and *** legal aid. Legal Aid is fine for filling out forms and filing them, but consultations with the best divorce atty's are in order. AND since she is a SAHM, at least here in the US he is required to pay her legal expenses as well as his own. OP, whatever you do, do not get tricked into the "it's an amicable divorce, we'll use the same atty" BS line. That's for chumps. No man can serve 2 masters, and the one writing the check is the master, don't get it twisted.

:bighug: Co-sign on keeping secret things with your maxi-pads and period drawers. NO MAN will EVER look there.
 
I haven't read every single comment, but I have to say, some of you ladies scare me. I haven't read anyone advising her to seek counselling or some sort of mediation. It's all "girl get yours" what the hell?? Didn't you get married for better or worse? I think OP should try to save her marriage. He's obviously going through some issues that as his wife, she should be helping him to work out. There are times in relationships where people act irrationally - in a marriage your job is to understand and support during this time. Why does it have to result in divorce?

It's not fair for a man on such a low salary to carry the burden. This isn't 1950, this is 2010 - not every man wants to or can be the sole provider and neither should there be an expectation that he should. If he doesn't want to be a sole provider, then he shouldn't have to just to fit some 1950s ideal of what a REAL man is.

I also think this is a lesson to so many women who are planning to be a SAHM - get your career and money in order before having children. I've never relied on anyone for anything - except my parents and even if I was married, I would still have my ish together. I'll only have kids when I know that should the worst happen, I can take care of me and my kids. Husband or no husband.

To close – cheating is not a deal breaker for me. Everyone makes mistakes and I don’t believe in that adage “once a cheater always a cheater”
 
I haven't read every single comment, but I have to say, some of you ladies scare me. I haven't read anyone advising her to seek counselling or some sort of mediation. It's all "girl get yours" what the hell?? Youre right. Mediation CAN work but only if both parties are willing. We are not the OP so we can only go off what she is saying about her situation. Only SHE knows all the dynamics of her relationship. The advice given is based off what she presented. To me, the situation looks bad and so this is why she got the advise that she got. IMO. In times like this, when a man is acting a donkey that you have to look out for #1. Point blank. Thats how so many women get chopped and screwed.Didn't you get married for better or worse? I think OP should try to save her marriage. He's obviously going through some issues that as his wife, she should be helping him to work out.Well, why does she have to help him out of his problems when he is giving her his *** to kiss? I dont suggest ANYONE do that. :nono: There are times in relationships where people act irrationally - in a marriage your job is to understand and support during this time. Why does it have to result in divorce?The end doesnt have to be divorce. Only the two in the relationship can figure that out. From what OP is saying it seems to me like he doesnt want to be married. How do you work thru a sitution like that? Only she knows b/c like I said earlier, shes in the relationship and knows whats going on.

It's not fair for a man on such a low salary to carry the burden. This isn't 1950, this is 2010 - not every man wants to or can be the sole provider and neither should there be an expectation that he should. If he doesn't want to be a sole provider, then he shouldn't have to just to fit some 1950s ideal of what a REAL man is. As was mentioned earlier, this should have been established up front if thats how he felt. You cant get knee deep in and then say I dont want to do this anymore then expect the woman to just do an immediate 180. If he didnt want to be sole provider he should have NEVER tried to be sole provider How do you even know that their situation was established to fit some 1950s ideal? Maybe the OP wants to be a SAHM for other reasons.

I also think this is a lesson to so many women who are planning to be a SAHM - get your career and money in order before having children. I've never relied on anyone for anything - except my parents and even if I was married, I would still have my ish together. I'll only have kids when I know that should the worst happen, I can take care of me and my kids. Husband or no husband.I totally agree with the bold.

To close – cheating is not a deal breaker for me. Everyone makes mistakes and I don’t believe in that adage “once a cheater always a cheater”Everyone doesnt feel that way. For a lot of people cheating IS a deal breaker.
.................
 
Last edited:
Hey all,

Nothing happened last night. I didn't eat his food - I just made a cup of tea and some toast. I put the kids to bed and then went to bed myself. He fell asleep on the couch, but then came to bed around midnight or so...we haven't even spoken...he got up and went to work (with the motorcyle today) and I woke up and did the whole mom thing. I'm here with my son, trying to figure out what I should do today. I was thinking to go up to the bank and start an account...The 40 measley bucks I have I would put in there...just thinking...planning...going around and around in circles and not really accomplishing anything today.

I got dressed and put on makeup. Booked my road test...haven't done any real cleaning today...just not up to the whole routine right now.
 
OP do not make the assumption that he is cheating with a co-worker.

The fact is he could be cheating with anyone. I repeat, anyone. It could be with more than one person.

In fact he could have saw her last night when going to the grocery store. Start collecting the receipts. Notice time and store location from your home. Make note of anything odd such as he take you to one grocery store but for these "runs" he goes to a another grocery store that is a little out of the way.

Keep a journal of his coming and goings and determine if there is a pattern.

Also I thought with certain service providers you could get an online version of a phone bill.
 
I haven't read every single comment, but I have to say, some of you ladies scare me. I haven't read anyone advising her to seek counselling or some sort of mediation. It's all "girl get yours" what the hell?? Didn't you get married for better or worse? I think OP should try to save her marriage. He's obviously going through some issues that as his wife, she should be helping him to work out. There are times in relationships where people act irrationally - in a marriage your job is to understand and support during this time. Why does it have to result in divorce?

It's not fair for a man on such a low salary to carry the burden. This isn't 1950, this is 2010 - not every man wants to or can be the sole provider and neither should there be an expectation that he should. If he doesn't want to be a sole provider, then he shouldn't have to just to fit some 1950s ideal of what a REAL man is.

I also think this is a lesson to so many women who are planning to be a SAHM - get your career and money in order before having children. I've never relied on anyone for anything - except my parents and even if I was married, I would still have my ish together. I'll only have kids when I know that should the worst happen, I can take care of me and my kids. Husband or no husband.

To close – cheating is not a deal breaker for me. Everyone makes mistakes and I don’t believe in that adage “once a cheater always a cheater”

Since you haven't read every single comment, I suggest you do so.
She got married and starting having kids young. Too young to even have a career established. The way he is going about the whole situation is just wrong and if you read the whole thread, you will see that there is a lot more to the story than him feeling stressed about carrying the burden.
That's great that you never relied on anyone but not everyone fits into that mold.
Cheating may not be a deal breaker for you but for her, it may be. It is up to her to decide.
 
I haven't read every single comment, but I have to say, some of you ladies scare me. I haven't read anyone advising her to seek counselling or some sort of mediation. It's all "girl get yours" what the hell?? Didn't you get married for better or worse? I think OP should try to save her marriage. He's obviously going through some issues that as his wife, she should be helping him to work out. There are times in relationships where people act irrationally - in a marriage your job is to understand and support during this time. Why does it have to result in divorce?

It's not fair for a man on such a low salary to carry the burden. This isn't 1950, this is 2010 - not every man wants to or can be the sole provider and neither should there be an expectation that he should. If he doesn't want to be a sole provider, then he shouldn't have to just to fit some 1950s ideal of what a REAL man is.

I also think this is a lesson to so many women who are planning to be a SAHM - get your career and money in order before having children. I've never relied on anyone for anything - except my parents and even if I was married, I would still have my ish together. I'll only have kids when I know that should the worst happen, I can take care of me and my kids. Husband or no husband.

To close – cheating is not a deal breaker for me. Everyone makes mistakes and I don’t believe in that adage “once a cheater always a cheater”

You basically got the answer to your own questions regarding why people are responding the way they are in your last paragraph.

It may not be a dealbreaker to you, but to a good amount of women on this board, it is. I believe most issues within a marriage can be worked out with the exception of abuse and cheating. Yes, people make mistakes but there's way more going on this situation than just cheating. This man clearly doesn't think too highly of her and from some of her posts, it's obvious that her sense of self worth is suffering as a result. Not only is her physical well being being jeopardized, but her emotional/physical well being also. So you tell me what exactly makes this marriage worth holding on to?

Also, a lot people agreed about her finding was to help out financially and alleviate some of the burden until it became clear that it probably wasn't the real issue.
 
Last edited:
I honestly do not think it would be a deal breakerfor a great deal of women on here either- you cannot honestly say until you are in the situation yourself. However, thats my opinion.

I think OP needs to talk to her DH and not sit idle waiting for his next move. I would be looking for work and getting the truth out of my husband, because I do not need any damn surprise and I am too old to play guessing games. If your arse is going- then go! Why wait for him not to come back home and then panic. She can hide his pp all she wants that will not stop him from getting a new one or leaving if that is where his heart is.

I would also suggest OP reach out to her family for support (parents, siblings) so that she can possibly have a babysitter when she needs to take care of business. Alternatively, if oldest is mature enough to watch younger children.

OP does not hold all the cards because she has herself in a tough spot with no job. In addition, just because her husband may be cheating does not mean he will cease providing for his children. OP, at the end of the day, the decision is yours, but I would be going to the source and if I were not satisfied with the answers, I would then plan accordingly.
 
Hey all,

Nothing happened last night. I didn't eat his food - I just made a cup of tea and some toast. I put the kids to bed and then went to bed myself. He fell asleep on the couch, but then came to bed around midnight or so...we haven't even spoken...he got up and went to work (with the motorcyle today) and I woke up and did the whole mom thing. I'm here with my son, trying to figure out what I should do today. I was thinking to go up to the bank and start an account...The 40 measley bucks I have I would put in there...just thinking...planning...going around and around in circles and not really accomplishing anything today.

I got dressed and put on makeup. Booked my road test...haven't done any real cleaning today...just not up to the whole routine right now.



It will take some time, but I'm glad for the household sake it went smoothly. All of this will take time, as some women do not have anyone to turn to regarding advice. Lucky you, you have LHCF and just know that its gonna be alright.

As I said befo, have a plan or plan to fail, but at the same time, we do learn from our mistakes. Lesson one, if you want to open a bank account, then do so. Only, opt for paperless banking. Meaning you do not want any financial information coming to the house. Once you get somewhat established, you may want to open a PO Box to have some of your personal mail delivered there. All of this takes time and planning. Rome wasn't built in a day chile. Trust.

you have a lot to do, but take it a goal at a time. if it helps you, get a journal and write down what you want to accomplish and each time you've achieved a goal, cross it out. at the end, you will realize that you've accomplished so much.

but for now, you have to take small steps. start networking. start with the schools where your children attend and see if you can get something part time there to start. anything beats a blank. soon, you'll be off to being independent, so to speak.

this thing can go two ways. it can either help the marriage, or...well, u know. but let's think positive for right now. i would continue to keep quiet. the more u keep quiet, the more he'll be tryna figure u out. das why he came up stairs late. he scared. he don't know which way to move. that's a good thing in my book.
 
Hey all,

Nothing happened last night. I didn't eat his food - I just made a cup of tea and some toast. I put the kids to bed and then went to bed myself. He fell asleep on the couch, but then came to bed around midnight or so...we haven't even spoken...he got up and went to work (with the motorcyle today) and I woke up and did the whole mom thing. I'm here with my son, trying to figure out what I should do today. I was thinking to go up to the bank and start an account...The 40 measley bucks I have I would put in there...just thinking...planning...going around and around in circles and not really accomplishing anything today.

I got dressed and put on makeup. Booked my road test...haven't done any real cleaning today...just not up to the whole routine right now.

Be careful which bank you use. I have heard of horror stories where a wife started her own SEPARATE account from her husband, but he was able to go in the bank and get the money anyway simply because they were married. Pick a bank where he does NOT have any accounts. Pick a bank that is bit of a distance away.
 
My arse does not need to be on here. I have work to do…but here goes.

BTW – I’m not going to multi quote everyone .


@Sparklingflame~
Not all the posts were saying anything of importance, so no I did not read ALL of them, but I read enough to get the gist.

I understand the reasons why people have given the advise they have – that doesn’t mean I agree. Yes the situation looks bad, but LOTS of people go through bad patches in their relationships. The point of marriage is to work together to fix the situation. Shouldn’t OP be talking to her husband? - she’s supposed to be in a partnership. No, it’s not all down to her to fix everything , but she has an obligation to try. Someone has to try for the relationship – if both of you are bull headed with your “if you’re not trying then I won’t either” attitude then of course it’s going to fail. She has kids with this man! She has an obligation to try for them, if not for herself. Sometimes, you need to put your pride aside and do what’s best for the family.

OP says he acts like he doesn’t want to be married – has she examined her own behavior? Very seldom do people perform any self analysis on themselves…it’s always someone else’s fault, or the problem lies with someone else. MAYBE (and I suspect I’ll get stoned) the problem is the OP??!! I would urge her to do a 360 and really ask herself if she is being the best wife she can be. If she feels that she has been, then fine – I still urge her to TALK to her husband and keep trying. Chances are, he’ll rebuff her efforts, but that doesn’t mean she should give up.

Being a SAHM is a luxury as far as I’m concerned. Not everyone’s situation as the OP has demonstrated, can afford that luxury. I commend OP for making a step to suggest ways in which she could begin working, but the way some of you have attacked the husband - ( he shouldn’t have tried to step up to the plate if he didn’t want to be a sole provider…..etc… ) The situation has changed. He thought he could carry the financial load, now he can’t or doesn’t want to. How many of us have entered into an agreement thinking we could handle it but for whatever reason, we find we cannot meet our obligations? Why should he be vilified like he has been on this board?

My point about cheating …well it stands.

@honeycomb – I read most of the posts last night, so I have an understanding of what’s going on

@michelle1971 – again, I read most of the posts last night. The situation is what is. There has been some good advise about ways in which she could support herself or make steps to enter the job market, which I would suggest OP follows up on.

I’m not in anyway condoning her husbands behavior, I’m just calling for some deep breaths to be taken and for some rational decision making to take place. I feel a lot of you are projecting whatever anger you feel about the situation onto the OP and may be advising her on a course of action which will be greatly detrimental to her and her kids.

@ OP … Something’s can be fixed, but you have to try ….I pray it works out for you, whatever you decide but make sure you’re making the decisions from a rational place, and not one where anger and hurt is fueling your fire.
 
I like to call the plans the " EXIST to EXIST & EXIST TO EXIT plans." Which simply means, you put on your game face & go to war.

I LOVE the bolded. Love it.

Find out who the BEST lawyers are in your area. Go consult with them. You got the time- that way when/if he goes to a lawyer, no one you've consulted with can take his case because it would be a conflict of interest.

This is why I love you gals. The board is back!

Become a private eye & file all your information in a private place where you know he won't look. I keep mine in the drawer with my tampons & maxi pads- that nicca won't go nowhere near that stuff because most men can't stand that stuff.

Again, top-notch advice. Gatta have your hiding place.

She is a SAHM I doubt that she can afford the best lawyers - the onus is on OP to educate herself on the process and rely on legal aid lawyers if necessary. Also I'm not sure why people are telling her to snoop around and try to catch him cheating and so forth... Alimony and child support are calculated based on income. He can't give what he doesn't have.

But if he's siphoning off cash and other assets to his sweetie, (or creating debts in both their names to impress his sweetie), then that is something that MUST be addressed.

As I said befo, have a plan or plan to fail, but at the same time, we do learn from our mistakes. Lesson one, if you want to open a bank account, then do so. Only, opt for paperless banking. Meaning you do not want any financial information coming to the house. Once you get somewhat established, you may want to open a PO Box to have some of your personal mail delivered there. All of this takes time and planning. Rome wasn't built in a day chile. Trust.

Yes, yes, yes on the P.O. Box. You need a physical means of correspondence for the legal docs, etc.

Be careful which bank you use. I have heard of horror stories where a wife started her own SEPARATE account from her husband, but he was able to go in the bank and get the money anyway simply because they were married. Pick a bank where he does NOT have any accounts. Pick a bank that is bit of a distance away.

Those banks should be sued, cause that's illegal. If their name isn't on the account, then they should have no right to access the assets therein. I would suggest an online account period.
 
:look: :look: It's far from a "luxury" and my bff was basically forced to stay home for almost 2 years because her day care expenses would have ate up all of her income and then some if she went and worked (gas, car, insurance). In some instances it is cheaper to stay home, and in the OP' case I have a feeling that this would have been her predicament too if she tried to work while the kids were really young.

My arse does not need to be on here. I have work to do…but here goes.

BTW – I’m not going to multi quote everyone .


@Sparklingflame~
Not all the posts were saying anything of importance, so no I did not read ALL of them, but I read enough to get the gist.

I understand the reasons why people have given the advise they have – that doesn’t mean I agree. Yes the situation looks bad, but LOTS of people go through bad patches in their relationships. The point of marriage is to work together to fix the situation. Shouldn’t OP be talking to her husband? - she’s supposed to be in a partnership. No, it’s not all down to her to fix everything , but she has an obligation to try. Someone has to try for the relationship – if both of you are bull headed with your “if you’re not trying then I won’t either” attitude then of course it’s going to fail. She has kids with this man! She has an obligation to try for them, if not for herself. Sometimes, you need to put your pride aside and do what’s best for the family.

OP says he acts like he doesn’t want to be married – has she examined her own behavior? Very seldom do people perform any self analysis on themselves…it’s always someone else’s fault, or the problem lies with someone else. MAYBE (and I suspect I’ll get stoned) the problem is the OP??!! I would urge her to do a 360 and really ask herself if she is being the best wife she can be. If she feels that she has been, then fine – I still urge her to TALK to her husband and keep trying. Chances are, he’ll rebuff her efforts, but that doesn’t mean she should give up.

Being a SAHM is a luxury as far as I’m concerned. Not everyone’s situation as the OP has demonstrated, can afford that luxury. I commend OP for making a step to suggest ways in which she could begin working, but the way some of you have attacked the husband - ( he shouldn’t have tried to step up to the plate if he didn’t want to be a sole provider…..etc… ) The situation has changed. He thought he could carry the financial load, now he can’t or doesn’t want to. How many of us have entered into an agreement thinking we could handle it but for whatever reason, we find we cannot meet our obligations? Why should he be vilified like he has been on this board?

My point about cheating …well it stands.

@honeycomb – I read most of the posts last night, so I have an understanding of what’s going on

@michelle1971 – again, I read most of the posts last night. The situation is what is. There has been some good advise about ways in which she could support herself or make steps to enter the job market, which I would suggest OP follows up on.

I’m not in anyway condoning her husbands behavior, I’m just calling for some deep breaths to be taken and for some rational decision making to take place. I feel a lot of you are projecting whatever anger you feel about the situation onto the OP and may be advising her on a course of action which will be greatly detrimental to her and her kids.

@ OP … Something’s can be fixed, but you have to try ….I pray it works out for you, whatever you decide but make sure you’re making the decisions from a rational place, and not one where anger and hurt is fueling your fire.
 
:look: :look: It's far from a "luxury" and my bff was basically forced to stay home for almost 2 years because her day care expenses would have ate up all of her income and then some if she went and worked (gas, car, insurance). In some instances it is cheaper to stay home, and in the OP' case I have a feeling that this would have been her predicament too if she tried to work while the kids were really young.
When I think of luxury Im thinking 5 star hotels, spa treatments, massages, personal chefs, and maid services.

Sheeeeet Ive been missing something. Why didnt that package come with my SAHM service????
 
Í think your husband is right but some of the points that you've made are valid also. Why dont you start off trying to work part time or put the kids in an after school program. How about working from home? There are plenty of options such as alpine access, cloud10, or west from home. I hope everything works out. :)

Disregard that post I have read the whole thread. SO sorry OP :(
 
Last edited:
I agree that OP should try to communicate with her husband...but she can correspond with outside parties and do so at the same time. At this point her DH's behavior is too unpredictable and sporadic to fully trust him to try and talk about it or see how he wants to go about the situation....so she needs to be dually prepared. If she didn't have children, MAYBE should could take the safer approach and wait it out, but she has 4 children and she really doesn't have time to try to take things slow and wait it out. she needs to be one step ahead of her DH.


And again if her DH really felt financially strapped and stressed why would he purchase a motorcycle?
 
:rofl: I know Im like ummm are the kids giving the mom massages and waiting on her hand and foot and serving peeled grapes on a vine? if so I need to start popping out kids asap.

When I think of luxury Im thinking 5 star hotels, spa treatments, massages, personal chefs, and maid services.

Sheeeeet Ive been missing something. Why didnt that package come with my SAHM service????
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top