My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

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carolinetwin- I feel you, I really do. It's just that these issues have been ongoing and his ill treatment as well...I have done so much introspection and compromising...I believe that is how we've been married this long. But, yeah I guess if he is wanting the single life, obviously married life has not been treating him well....although marriage hasn't been a bed of roses for me either, but I'm not "out there" like he is and def don't do the hurtful things to him that he does to me.

If anyone is interested in my "dirt" here it is: in our early years of marriage I was out there clubbing and getting my partying on from say age 19-21 or 22. After I had my 2nd child at age 24 I was done with all that. I'll be 34 in January. I've been good. I've paid my dues...but he does at times like to remind me of when I was "out there" and he will use that as an excuse to do what he wants. When his back is against the wall he'll bring that all up.
 
LadyPaniolo said:
I'm really surprised that anyone could not think this man is cheating. EVERY sign of cheating is present in this case. What other logical excuse is there for all of this? Really? Really, though? I guess some women won't believe it until the man moves in with the side-hoe.
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Maybe I'm one of those you were referring to. Thing is, it's not that I definitely "don't think he's cheating." From the initial post, when OP said he said he wanted her to "fend for herself", my spidey senses came up because it's one thing to want your wife to *contribute* to the finances of the partnership / family, it's another thing to want her to "fend for herself". That just sounds like you're completely disassociating yourself from her, saying she's on her own. However, the thing is, I don't *know* that he is cheating, and neither does OP. From all she's told us, I think she is right to be wary, but my way of doing things to get all the information available and then act. I trust my intuition, but I will not act solely on intuition if there are ways for me to get the full facts and take informed decisions. I just thought maybe posters were piling on too much at this early stage, getting OP to the state where she was on the computer all day and didn't cook dinner. If I were her, I would talk to him and get the complete story, and then I'd move from there. No sense in acting on pure speculation.

But everybody operates differently.
 
~Sparklingflame~ said:
When I think of luxury Im thinking 5 star hotels, spa treatments, massages, personal chefs, and maid services.

Sheeeeet Ive been missing something. Why didnt that package come with my SAHM service????
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:lachen: I know right. Pure luxury. :lol:

The only person who knows for sure about the cheating is her DH himself.
However, based on the information that the OP has presented, it is very likely that he is cheating, has cheated or at the very minimum lusting after someone else and wants to step out. Really, why would someone delete his own wife off of facebook and change his status to single. :perplexed Doesn't seem right to me at all. :nono:
Yes, the OP needs to make moves to better herself financially for her sake and her children's sake.
BillsBackerz brought up a very valid point. For someone that is soooo worried about finances, why buy a motorcycle on credit? Seriously? He's on some sort of early mid-life crisis trip. :rolleyes:
 
carolinetwin said:
My arse does not need to be on here. I have work to do…but here goes.

BTW – I’m not going to multi quote everyone .


@Sparklingflame~
Not all the posts were saying anything of importance, so no I did not read ALL of them, but I read enough to get the gist.

I understand the reasons why people have given the advise they have – that doesn’t mean I agree. Yes the situation looks bad, but LOTS of people go through bad patches in their relationships. The point of marriage is to work together to fix the situation. Shouldn’t OP be talking to her husband? - she’s supposed to be in a partnership. No, it’s not all down to her to fix everything , but she has an obligation to try. Someone has to try for the relationship – if both of you are bull headed with your “if you’re not trying then I won’t either” attitude then of course it’s going to fail. She has kids with this man! She has an obligation to try for them, if not for herself. Sometimes, you need to put your pride aside and do what’s best for the family.

OP says he acts like he doesn’t want to be married – has she examined her own behavior? Very seldom do people perform any self analysis on themselves…it’s always someone else’s fault, or the problem lies with someone else. MAYBE (and I suspect I’ll get stoned) the problem is the OP??!! I would urge her to do a 360 and really ask herself if she is being the best wife she can be. If she feels that she has been, then fine – I still urge her to TALK to her husband and keep trying. Chances are, he’ll rebuff her efforts, but that doesn’t mean she should give up.

Being a SAHM is a luxury as far as I’m concerned. Not everyone’s situation as the OP has demonstrated, can afford that luxury. I commend OP for making a step to suggest ways in which she could begin working, but the way some of you have attacked the husband - ( he shouldn’t have tried to step up to the plate if he didn’t want to be a sole provider…..etc… ) The situation has changed. He thought he could carry the financial load, now he can’t or doesn’t want to. How many of us have entered into an agreement thinking we could handle it but for whatever reason, we find we cannot meet our obligations? Why should he be vilified like he has been on this board?

My point about cheating …well it stands.

@honeycomb – I read most of the posts last night, so I have an understanding of what’s going on

@michelle1971 – again, I read most of the posts last night. The situation is what is. There has been some good advise about ways in which she could support herself or make steps to enter the job market, which I would suggest OP follows up on.

I’m not in anyway condoning her husbands behavior, I’m just calling for some deep breaths to be taken and for some rational decision making to take place. I feel a lot of you are projecting whatever anger you feel about the situation onto the OP and may be advising her on a course of action which will be greatly detrimental to her and her kids.

@ OP … Something’s can be fixed, but you have to try ….I pray it works out for you, whatever you decide but make sure you’re making the decisions from a rational place, and not one where anger and hurt is fueling your fire.
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Thank you for the bolded part, you are so absolutely right. Many of the people who are advocating she leaves her husband and take him to the cleaners are being unrealistic. This isn't a Hallmark movie - this is someones's life. He is not a millionaire, there's nothing to gain in going thorough long court battles, the people who'll suffer the most financially in that process is her children. At $26/hr how is he going to afford to pay for the "BEST" lawyers, feed four children and put a roof over their head? The focus should be shifted away from the divorce (if that's what ultimately happens) OP should be focussing on what is going to do with the rest of her life starting today . Fighting with her DH over his perceived and alleged infidelity is a waste of time and energy, what she needs to do is focus on what what she can do to create a secure future for herself and four children.
 
I'm avoiding the multi quote too.

@carolinetwin - I hear you and I don't like to hear women advising other women to bail on their relationships based on pretty limited information....BUT...given what's been said so far, any woman who didn't have a contigency plan based on this evidence would be a fool. Yes, try to work it out but plans b, c, and maybe even d should be on the backburner...especially when you have 4 kids.

@shinyblackhair - Okay girl, now you know we are all here for you but this little dribble drabbles of information are making in hard to know what's really up. So when you say you were "out there" in your early twenties what exactly does that mean? Did you already have a child? Did hubby carry the homebase while you were out partying? Did you cheat? It helps to know the whole story...and that's the beauty of an anonymous board...you can just let it out there!
 
ambergirl said:
I'm avoiding the multi quote too.

@carolinetwin - I hear you and I don't like to hear women advising other women to bail on their relationships based on pretty limited information....BUT...given what's been said so far, any woman who didn't have a contigency plan based on this evidence would be a fool. Yes, try to work it out but plans b, c, and maybe even d should be on the backburner...especially when you have 4 kids.

@shinyblackhair - Okay girl, now you know we are all here for you but this little dribble drabbles of information are making in hard to know what's really up. So when you say you were "out there" in your early twenties what exactly does that mean? Did you already have a child? Did hubby carry the homebase while you were out partying? Did you cheat? It helps to know the whole story...and that's the beauty of an anonymous board...you can just let it out there!
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Gurrrrrlll...you ain't know some folks is crazy?! Girl........ :look:
 
I think you should try this exercise my professor recommended in my relationships class.
Take a night alone, and write on a paper, everything that he has said and done, that hurt or offended you, tell him to do the same. Then the both of you come together and read the letter to each other, and take it from there.
He could be cheating, he could be thinking about cheating, he could think your cheating, he could think many things, just like you are doing of him, talk to him, don't accuse, just talk and if he refuses to do so then just do you. Get your licence, get a part time job and whatever else.
It just sounds like you two have lived together without doing any real communication, so I think you should make an effort to 'air it all out' before chucking up the deuces.
 
ambergirl said:
I'm avoiding the multi quote too.

@carolinetwin - I hear you and I don't like to hear women advising other women to bail on their relationships based on pretty limited information....BUT...given what's been said so far, any woman who didn't have a contigency plan based on this evidence would be a fool. Yes, try to work it out but plans b, c, and maybe even d should be on the backburner...especially when you have 4 kids.

@shinyblackhair - Okay girl, now you know we are all here for you but this little dribble drabbles of information are making in hard to know what's really up. So when you say you were "out there" in your early twenties what exactly does that mean? Did you already have a child? Did hubby carry the homebase while you were out partying? Did you cheat? It helps to know the whole story...and that's the beauty of an anonymous board...you can just let it out there!
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When I was in my 20s I was an avid club goer (like every Sat or every other Sat). I already had my daughter and my mom would baby-sit. No I didn't cheat. He would often follow me to the club to see if I was cheating and meeting guys. But, I realized eventually that this type of behavious is not conducive to the family life and atmosphere that I'd always wanted. I soon settled down. The last time I went to a club with a girl friend was my 26th birthday and like I said I'll be 34 in January. That wasn't me then, and it's def not me now...
 
Well, here's another SAHM living in luxury :rolleyes: SMDH. I'mma just leave that whole ludicrous claim alone. There is SO much hate for SAHMs it's ridiculous. Either we are all fat and ugly and stupid, or we are selfish and greedy and lazy, or we are destroying feminism... :blah: :nono: Anyway.

As far as the whole idea of trying to work through the cheating, I really have to wonder. I mean, listen to what OP posted that her husband said: he TOLD HER he wants a divorce in an argument. He told her to fend for herself. He told her these things why? Because he's just having a little fun on the side? No... he told her these things because that's what's up. He wants a divorce and he wants to leave her to fend for herself! So what kind of fool is all trying to hang on and make it work with a man who has mentally and emotionally packed his bags? You cannot fix it unless BOTH people want to fix it. He has made his choice... to bail. So the OP can either be smart or get got.

And anyone who doesn't think a man who carries his cell into the toilet in his own home is cheating... well. I just don't know what to say. Still haven't heard any plausible reason why a grown man would be tied to the cell like a medic-alert bracelet if he wasn't cheating. Not to mention going out all the time, motorcycle, new sexual habits, the single status on FB. Come on now. Really? Really? Wow.

Someone, PLEASE, tell me, what else could cause these changes to happen, along with him saying he wants a divorce, if he's not cheating and looking to divorce? Brain tumor? Space alien abduction? lol It's just ridiculous.

Nobody said he had big bucks. But of the bucks he has, why would the OP want to get less when she could get more? She's going to be financially hurting, no doubt. She'll need every dollar. So why exactly is it wrong or stupid to FIGHT for every dollar? I don't get it.
 
danibeeja_gyal said:
and yes what are these grievances of his that he brings up when you two argue?
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1. I don't "work" (a paid job)

2. I'm not loving when the fact of the matter I'm "always" the initiator of intimacy (I have to wake him up to get some, lol)

3. I treat him like a boy - meaning I ask him where he's been and where he's going and why didn't you answer the cell phone when I call. Since I don't work I shouldn't ask him a damn thing.

4. I supposedly leave it all to him and don't worry about the bills. I'm just sitting here...

Extremely mean things he's done and said:

1. Told me that I'm worthless and have no ambition
2. Told me that I serve no purpose in this house and that I might as well leave.
3. Took my bank card out of my purse when he percieved that I was getting ready to go out one day.
4. Something else waaay to humiliating to repeat but I told his mom and she in turn told his aunt in JA who had to put in a call and ask him WTF is wrong with him.
5. He's sick of me, tired of me, I'm boring, can't stand me.
6. I'm like a child who has just left her mother's home.
7. Brings up that I can't fend for myself, don't have a job, can't drive
8. I'm beginning to sense that he find's me physically unattractive - he'll stare at my tummy and poke it. I'm 5'1 and 140 lbs. I know I need to lose weight.
9. He's said before that this is HIS house and I have put nothing in it.

man I could go on and on...

eta: he shaved off all his pubic hair including the ballz...said it's b/c its uncomfy when he ride the bike. :rolleyes: Make of that what you will...
 
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shinyblackhair said:
1. I don't "work" (a paid job)

2. I'm not loving when the fact of the matter I'm "always" the initiator of intimacy (I have to wake him up to get some, lol)

3. I treat him like a boy - meaning I ask him where he's been and where he's going and why didn't you answer the cell phone when I call. Since I don't work I shouldn't ask him a damn thing.

4. I supposedly leave it all to him and don't worry about the bills. I'm just sitting here...

Extremely mean things he's done and said:

1. Told me that I'm worthless and have no ambition
2. Told me that I serve no purpose in this house and that I might as well leave.
3. Took my bank card out of my purse when he percieved that I was getting ready to go out one day.
4. Something else waaay to humiliating to repeat but I told his mom and she in turn told his aunt in JA who had to put in a call and ask him WTF is wrong with him.
5. He's sick of me, tired of me, I'm boring, can't stand me.
6. I'm like a child who has just left her mother's home.
7. Brings up that I can't fend for myself, don't have a job, can't drive
8. I'm beginning to sense that he find's me physically unattractive - he'll stare at my tummy and poke it. I'm 5'1 and 140 lbs. I know I need to lose weight.
9. He's said before that this is HIS house and I have put nothing in it.

man I could go on and on...
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Wow...pretty emotionally abusive....do you counter with your own list of insults and shortcomings, get angry and yell, or just let it go?

Again, I don't like advising women to leave relationships but other then the kids why are you there? Is there any love left on your part?
 
I used to come back with insults but, now I just take it...I've heard all these things before...he NEVER apologizes. We just don't talk for a day or two, but then I will "be the bigger person" and let it go. We never talk it out, when I do, he says it's my fault. Due to my situation what can/could I do. The last really bad episode, he hit me on my arm (because I threw the cordless phone against our new bed) I was pissed at him b/c he wouldn't answer the cell phone and wouldn't just say where he was. He didn't want to be questioned like a "little boy".

I had told my mom and my neighbour about it (and my MIL and SILs). My mom told me I could come to her place, but really? That's just kind of out of the question. Waay to shameful too.
 
I wasn't to read the whole thing but it seems to me that he has fallen out of love. idk if he's cheating- it's possible or maybe he just wants to. not sure but i'm sure that this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you to be in. i wouldn't go as far as to say that he used you because he WAS with you for 15 years or more right? i'm sure that he did love you during some parts of the marriage (whether it was real love or not) but that love isn't there anymore. i'm sorry to say this but it seems to me that this relationship will not last (i really hope that doesn't sound harsh or anything). you should definitely speak to someone about this. i think a lot of the advice on here was great. speak to a lawyer or even a trusted family member who can give you emotional support.

i also think that you need to evaluate the relationship and whether or not it even brings you happiness. can you think of the last time that you were happy with him? if you feel like the relationship is worth fighting for, then fight for it.
 
ok i just read your other post. NOT a healthy relationship at all! this man is abusing you. please please see someone about this. and you need to stop apologizing and giving in to him. what you should do is start doing other things while the kids are away- things that will bring you peace and calm. join a book club or something. maybe start an organization in the community. take up yoga or something-do anything to bring some happiness because this man is taking it all away- you need to take time for yourself. i can't believe he's saying this stuff to you!
 
:bighug: I just wanted to give you a hug. It's hard. I know you are getting a lot of advice here but you know what to do and when you are ready you will do it. In the end you will end up doing what you want to do anyway, but as you know we are always here to listen to you vent. If you have a feeling deep down in your belly that he is cheating then he is and him acting out like he is, is proof. I believe you menitoned that you have 4 children correct? You will be okay my dear. I'm just sorry that you are going through this.
 
shinyblackhair said:
I used to come back with insults but, now I just take it...I've heard all these things before...he NEVER apologizes. We just don't talk for a day or two, but then I will "be the bigger person" and let it go. We never talk it out, when I do, he says it's my fault. Due to my situation what can/could I do. The last really bad episode, he hit me on my arm (because I threw the cordless phone against our new bed) I was pissed at him b/c he wouldn't answer the cell phone and wouldn't just say where he was. He didn't want to be questioned like a "little boy".

I had told my mom and my neighbour about it (and my MIL and SILs). My mom told me I could come to her place, but really? That's just kind of out of the question. Waay to shameful too.
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Seriously, even if he wasn't cheating, it's time to go. Children are very intuitive and I'm sure that they're picking up all of this tension and unhappiness in the household. My father is the same way, but my mom won't go because she feels that she's too old. You're only 34, you can bounce back from this, fairly quickly too I think. If you're family is willing to help you, it's time to take them up on their offer. (And still take him to the cleaners)


ETA: Obligatory other: You may want to try counseling. :rolleyes:
I'm curious as to his background. Was his mother is SAHM?
 
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Shinyblackhair, with each subsequent post, your situation sounds more and more dire. Do you have family you can go to? It doesn't sound good for your well-being to be around this man. Not at all. And if your well-being is compromised, this will not bode well for your children.
 
Thanks ladies,

You know what though? I am not even crying...I feel sooo...numb, I guess. I know if I find out for sure that he cheated I will have a meltdown, but towards everything else I'm have no emotion. Usually I'd be a wreck. I can't even say that I lost a lot of sleep last night. Usually these things have me like a basket case.

On paper he really does sound like an abuser doesn't he? I don't particularly feel abused or weak at the moment. Maybe I'm just so used to it all right now...maybe it'll catch up to me later - my usual self would be to cry and cry and cry... i don't know whether to just lie down and let him walk over me and out of my life...or get ready to do real battle. Battle will involve trauma to the kids though in terms of me leaving etc....I don't think he's an abuser, but the fact that he isn't in love with me anymore and maybe feels trapped by me and can't access that life he wants is bringing out this ugliness. I know it's not my fault, but I am standing in his way. I don't mean to sound so pitiful and melodramatic but, I'm just typing this out as it comes to me...Even if I stepped up and became that woman he finds attractive, I kind of fell as though why would I want to be with him after he's verbally and emotially broken me down in order to be who he says I should be? He may still walk out after that...
 
shinyblackhair said:
I used to come back with insults but, now I just take it...I've heard all these things before...he NEVER apologizes. We just don't talk for a day or two, but then I will "be the bigger person" and let it go. We never talk it out, when I do, he says it's my fault. Due to my situation what can/could I do. The last really bad episode, he hit me on my arm (because I threw the cordless phone against our new bed) I was pissed at him b/c he wouldn't answer the cell phone and wouldn't just say where he was. He didn't want to be questioned like a "little boy".

I had told my mom and my neighbour about it (and my MIL and SILs). My mom told me I could come to her place, but really? That's just kind of out of the question. Waay to shameful too.
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This is my only comment in this thread because you are already getting loads of good advice. So I just want to wish you good luck and let you know there is NOTHING shameful about doing whatever it takes to give your children a happy, secure place to call home. My mothers 1st husband was abusive and she went to the church and our priest sent her and 3 children to live with his sister. She was humbled but it got her to where she was safe. She hadn't worked and had 3 kids under 3 when her husband set the house on fire with them asleep inside. Shame is seeing your lack of action effect your children, shame is attending your child's funeral because you stayed for the second fire. Do whatever you must and hold your head up high!
 
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shinyblackhair... :bighug: This is an abusive relationship. You admit yourself that it sounds like one. Well, sad as it is, at the least you can be glad he wants to break up, instead of you fleeing in the dead of night with kids in tow. It may be a blessing in disguise. Let his slore get broken down, insulted, cheated on and mistreated while you move on to freedom. :bighug: I am SO SORRY this is going on.
 
shinyblackhair said:
I used to come back with insults but, now I just take it...I've heard all these things before...he NEVER apologizes. We just don't talk for a day or two, but then I will "be the bigger person" and let it go. We never talk it out, when I do, he says it's my fault. Due to my situation what can/could I do. The last really bad episode, he hit me on my arm (because I threw the cordless phone against our new bed) I was pissed at him b/c he wouldn't answer the cell phone and wouldn't just say where he was. He didn't want to be questioned like a "little boy".

I had told my mom and my neighbour about it (and my MIL and SILs). My mom told me I could come to her place, but really? That's just kind of out of the question. Waay to shameful too.
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OMG...(the hit on the arm) :sad:
As for your mom...why not go to her place? Do you think that she would be able to accommodate you and the kids until you got back on your feet? Forget about "shame". That is not something you should be feeling in this situation at all :nono:

shinyblackhair said:
Thanks ladies,

You know what though? I am not even crying...I feel sooo...numb, I guess. I know if I find out for sure that he cheated I will have a meltdown, but towards everything else I'm have no emotion. Usually I'd be a wreck. I can't even say that I lost a lot of sleep last night. Usually these things have me like a basket case.

On paper he really does sound like an abuser doesn't he? I don't particularly feel abused or weak at the moment. Maybe I'm just so used to it all right now...maybe it'll catch up to me later - my usual self would be to cry and cry and cry... i don't know whether to just lie down and let him walk over me and out of my life...or get ready to do real battle. Battle will involve trauma to the kids though in terms of me leaving etc....I don't think he's an abuser, but the fact that he isn't in love with me anymore and maybe feels trapped by me and can't access that life he wants is bringing out this ugliness. I know it's not my fault, but I am standing in his way. I don't mean to sound so pitiful and melodramatic but, I'm just typing this out as it comes to me...Even if I stepped up and became that woman he finds attractive, I kind of fell as though why would I want to be with him after he's verbally and emotially broken me down in order to be who he says I should be? He may still walk out after that...
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Yes, he does sound like an abuser. Absolutely. You are not sounding melodramatic. No husband in their right mind should break down his wife as he has done to you. What kind of marriage is that? Since you are living the situation and you feel he may still walk out after you make some changes, (which sounds ridiculous IMO) your marriage seems over. IDK...:bighug:
 
shinyblackhair said:
that I've been "sitting here" long enough
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I would call him big time on that shabby remark. It feels like he may be dumping financial fears your way without actually saying, "I'm stressed about finances." Maybe there is an opportunity for a discussion about this, how this would change things for you, the kids and for him. And how about considering a part-time job rather than a full-time one?

In my heart I believe that my husband wants me to be working so as he can leave the marriage and not feel guilty about abandonning me.

We got married very young. I was 18 and he was 20. He was not legal in this country. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but would be deported if he didn't have a sponsor. I went against my parents and got married in secret. We didn't discuss careers, children etc.
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Listen to your heart. Let the older children start learning a bit more responsibility to the younger ones. Definitely get a job, but you need your own money.

I'm curious when the money thing came up -- is your husband contributing less money? Could be a number of reasons why. Hopefully you have transparency in finances.
 
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~Sparklingflame~ said:
^^Being a SAHM is a luxury? Wow. I aint know. I have been doing it for years and theres nothing luxurious about it.
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Yes, it is a luxury. It doesn't mean the same thing as BEING luxurious. There is a difference. In other words, not working when most people need two incomes to support a family is a luxury.
 
shinyblackhair said:
1. I don't "work" (a paid job)

2. I'm not loving when the fact of the matter I'm "always" the initiator of intimacy (I have to wake him up to get some, lol)

3. I treat him like a boy - meaning I ask him where he's been and where he's going and why didn't you answer the cell phone when I call. Since I don't work I shouldn't ask him a damn thing.

4. I supposedly leave it all to him and don't worry about the bills. I'm just sitting here...

Extremely mean things he's done and said:

1. Told me that I'm worthless and have no ambition
2. Told me that I serve no purpose in this house and that I might as well leave.
3. Took my bank card out of my purse when he percieved that I was getting ready to go out one day.
4. Something else waaay to humiliating to repeat but I told his mom and she in turn told his aunt in JA who had to put in a call and ask him WTF is wrong with him.
5. He's sick of me, tired of me, I'm boring, can't stand me.
6. I'm like a child who has just left her mother's home.
7. Brings up that I can't fend for myself, don't have a job, can't drive
8. I'm beginning to sense that he find's me physically unattractive - he'll stare at my tummy and poke it. I'm 5'1 and 140 lbs. I know I need to lose weight.
9. He's said before that this is HIS house and I have put nothing in it.

man I could go on and on...

eta: he shaved off all his pubic hair including the ballz...said it's b/c its uncomfy when he ride the bike. :rolleyes: Make of that what you will...
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Okay so all of his complaints have a common theme. I have heard many SAHMs say that their husbands have said similar things. As someone else said in this thread, this man has been vilified because he now is feeling financial pressure after supporting you for some years as a SAHM. despite the potential cheating and everything else, I think some credence should be given to his complaints. When someone complains along a consistent theme, listen.

It sounds like he has lost respect for you as a sAHM. Lots of men feel this way. He isn't unique in this regard. And like someone else said, have you taken a good hard look at yourself. TRULY?


Yes, this is abuse, but he's been trying to tell you something.
 
I'd like to know how you would even approach a man like the OP's husband to talk anything out.

It seems (from the OP's post) that this man has checked out a long time ago.

How should the conversation go?

And, even if she came at him trying to get answers, at this point, would she get the truth?
 
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