My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

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Hello Ladies,

Thanks so much...I know what I need to do. datjerseygirl and hijab and ladyp are giving me a LOT to think about.

I'm thinking that I really need to know if he's cheating. I feel as though I can't fully believe it, but the saying goes that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So I'm going to believe my husband to be the person he is showing me to be. I will try and just do good. I will take care of my kids. I will continue to cook and clean and do the laundry etc. I will try not to argue. I won't ask him where he is going, where he's been when he goes on his motorcycle rides. I'll just do me. The only thing is sometimes I'm so gut wrenchingly lonely. I have no friends, except my neighbour, no connections. Gave all those up a long time ago.

Two priorities for me right now are getting my driver's licence and getting some type of career in progress (school or job training).

It's going to be tricky finding out if he's cheating though...I believe he deletes stuff off the phone. I've only ever seen texts from the dudes at his work...I am feeling so weak and tired, but also feel angry and feel like just "showing" him. Like for every time he told me what I can't or will never achieve I will DO IT and tell him to just eat his heart out. I feel like putting all my idealist values aside and being THAT person who he thinks is so wonderful, but he would never get the benefit of being with me because it would be too late... I would find someone else and give it all the that person, LOL...what a fantasy, LOL! He deleted me off his FB even though his status still says married (I think, lol). He also deleted my sister off too. I am tempted to delete his sisters off and change my status to single, LOL...but then my phone would ring off the hook, ha. No, but seriously, if this marriage fails, I will NEVER marry again. Date - maybe, marry? NEVER.

Anyway thanks everyone for the support and advice...I'm going to go back and read all the posts again and then think and pray.
 
FlowerHair said:
I agree with all your posts in this thread. :yep: You spotted the problem first thing and you have given excellent advice.

But what is really ALL that money when all he makes is $26 an hour?
Do you think he's truthful about how much money he's making? How can OP find out the truth?

OP, I'm really sorry for all the things you're going through. After 15 years!
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Obviously they aren't made of money but clearly his salary is enough to pay the bills as they have been living off of it for 15 years. And I'm assuming there are savings accounts, IRAs, stocks, vehicles. Those assets all have value even if his take home salary isn't the greatest. Regardless, the more she can get from him, the better.

awhyley said:
I've been off and on in this thread all day just shaking my head. Kudos to LadyP who saw through to this issue on the onset. Here I was thinking that this man was just stressed out, but oh no. :nono: OP, I pray that maybe he just is stressed out and that is a cry for help; however, based on the actions you described, I fear that this is the end of the road for your 15 year marriage. Someone suggested sitting down with him and discussing the budget, which is the PERFECT way to get into his financial business. If he thinks that you want to solely trim expenses, he may open up enough for you to get the info. you need to nail his @ss.

Either way, you want to know where you can cut back if he decides to go, as you may also need to hire a private investigator, (but only after you've started evidence-gathering on your own).



STILL shaking my head at this. WOW. :ohwell:



She went against her parents wishes and MARRIED him. They've been together for 15 years! This isn't some green card deal that he's reneging on. OP, does he send money to his family back home? That's usually how they get the assets out from under your nose. He maybe establishing himself somewhere else until he's ready to bounce. If you can, check with his co-workers. They WILL know who that side-piece is. See if anyone lets anything slip during conversation.

There's been some awesome info. stated in here, and the main thing I'd agree with is to start volunteering like crazy. Get yourself out there. It's a toss up on whether you should or should not be working, but when you're ready, make sure that people know who you are. We'll be praying for you and the kids dem.
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ITA that pretending to fall for the okey doke is a great plan. Say you want to trim expenses and you want to go over the accounts with him. He will probably get flustered and not want to do it, because he won't want her to see the missing money that has gone to the jumpoff. Even so, finding out all the account numbers is very very important, the investigator will need that info.

Yes, his co-workers know who the slore is. I'd bet a jumbo bottle of conditioner that they know because SHE WORKS THERE. Men almost always cheat with a younger co-worker. Mark it, that's what's going on. This going out with the "boys" from work... nope. It's going out with the secretary from work.

Now, the co-workers know who she is, but they won't tell. It never ceases to amaze me, but people will tie themselves into a pretzel to keep a man's affair from his wife. Even if they don't LIKE the guy, even if they admire his wife, even when they would want someone to tell them. They will still lie for him, pretend not to know etc. The wife is always last to know.

The answer to who she is can be easily found: examine the comments made on his facebook page. The slore is going to be the person making overly admiring or slightly suggestive comments. If you go to her page you will see her gushing about how much she loves the OP's husband. I bet.

ETA: the cell phone is the first step. He's hiding it for a reason. When he goes to sleep, spirit that phone off and see the texts and call log. There may even be naked pics of the slore.
 
You are not completely alone...we are here for you.
It's not the same as a real person, but still.

Right now you're shocked and feeling weak, so I think your first priority is correct: Do you and build up your strength, focus on de-stressing and take multiple deep breaths when you feel the anxiety building up.

Take one day at a time.
 
:bighug: If he deleted you AND your sister then he IS cheating and the proof IS on FB. Maybe someone, a woman, can ask to friend him. He's likely to say yes, and then you can look at it.

eta: if I had a FB acct I would volunteer, but I don't.
 
I think he's sending $$ back home or to the side-piece. I don't really believe he makes only $26 to support a family of 6.

You have alot to find out OP but in the meantime, be the biggest sweetheart and act oblivious all the while pile up your evidence.
 
Find out how much money is in checking, savings, retirement etc. Who does the bill paying? If you do sit down and find out all your expenses, if he does sit down with him and say yoi want to start paying the bills. You really need to find out where every penny is going.
 
He's going to try and start fights. That way he can vent his frustration and project his negativity onto her. Plus he will have a convenient excuse for cheating (if only the house were peaceful but all we do is fight :violin: the only comfort I have is the sideho3. :violin: ) So no matter how sweet OP is, it may not cut out the fighting.

Since you don't even have a driver's license, you really need to get on that ASAP.
 
LadyPaniolo said:
:bighug: If he deleted you AND your sister then he IS cheating and the proof IS on FB. Maybe someone, a woman, can ask to friend him. He's likely to say yes, and then you can look at it.

eta: if I had a FB acct I would volunteer, but I don't.
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he said he did it cuz he was mad at me (???) but, now of course maybe it's because he really is cheating? ugh
 
shinyblackhair said:
he said he did it cuz he was mad at me (???) but, now of course maybe it's because he really is cheating? ugh
Click to expand...

He is mad at you, lol. He is mad at you for continuing to exist after he has moved on in his heart (and pants). He will say lots of things, things that don't make sense. They only make sense when you consider the fact that he is cheating.

Let's brainstorm: why would a man hide his phone, even taking it with him to p!ss? Why would a man who enjoyed the benefits of a traditional family start shoving his wife out the door? Why would a man all of a sudden change his sexual practices? What reasonable reason is there for all of these events coinciding? Can you think of ONE other than him cheating?
 
OP, I feel for you and this is a horrible situation, but I think you can get through it with some planning. I'd recommend looking into careers that will allow you to earn enough money to take care of your kids on your own at some point in the near future. I understand where the other posters are coming from with holding out for the spousal support, but let's be real here. He earns $26/hr and yall have 4 kids. How much money will he even have left to be forced to give after child support? No disrespect, but the man is not financially worth much, it seems. You can't get blood from a turnip. Knowing that he has family out of the country, he could potentially bounce to Jamaica and leave you and the kids without a red cent. Then what? In this situation, I wouldn't rely on him or the courts to provide for you and yours. You need to be proactive.
 
Nobody said she should never work. Only that she needs to be smart about when she starts to work. He won't have tons to give but to have a support order that's higher is better than having a lower one!

In order to have work options, you'll need a driver's license. That is your very first step, OP. I started driving late in life, too. I know it's scary, but really, you can do it.
 
OMG...just found he has changed his relationship status on FB as single. I know it's only FB but, we have mutual "friends" on there...that is extremely embarassing.
 
LadyPaniolo said:
:bighug: If he deleted you AND your sister then he IS cheating and the proof IS on FB. Maybe someone, a woman, can ask to friend him. He's likely to say yes, and then you can look at it. eta: if I had a FB acct I would volunteer, but I don't.
Click to expand...

I would recommend making a fake account, (of a woman of course), and see if he takes the bait.
(You're right about the woman at work too, I'm sure of it)

BlackMasterPiece said:
I think he's sending $$ back home or to the side-piece. I don't really believe he makes only $26 to support a family of 6.
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I'm trying to figure out how long as 'saved up' for that motorcycle. Where you surprised when he purchased it OP?

shinyblackhair said:
he said he did it cuz he was mad at me (???) but, now of course maybe it's because he really is cheating? ugh
Click to expand...

Excuses, excuses. He right there stirring the pot, trying to make you feel uncomfortable. Get to that facebook account!
 
I am not sure that I would be advising her not to look for work. If he did leave, it might take a minute for her to get the money from the divorce and not only that her and her children will need a place to live...I do not know about waiting to work. She needs to place herself in the best position possible.

Taking care of six people is no joke so I can understand his frustration as time goes on so does inflation. I cannot see six people living off 26.00 an hour. I do not think this is a marriage for him to make a come up and get his papers because 15 years is a long time to stay somewhere you just want to get your papers. I think honestly, he is frustrated with her staying home.

I am not at all saying the OP is to blame, but I think it is more than just what is posted. It appears to be a build up of things. You can’t expect to be a SAHM with so little income.

In regards to his cheating, that is totally mucked up, but I would not sit idle and wait on some separation funds.

Bottom line is that OP needs to get herself together.

Either way OP, best of luck to you. I hope you and your kids come out on top.
 
He used funds from a line of credit to buy the motorcycle against my advice. However, since I have no job and no money and won't be paying it back (his words, not mine) I can't tell him what to do. I wanted money to go to school and he's acting like it's a big deal.
 
How did you find out he changed his status on FB? And please do screen capture on that.

eta: being a SAHM did not cause the affair. NONE of this is OP's fault.

eta2: can you get student loans for college?
 
After reading the update, Verdict= Cheating.

But with 4 kids and a stay-at-home wife, he's going to have pay a grip on alimony and child support. His chick on the side might leave him, because he won't have any money.
 
Lady Paniolo,

My point is that she'll get a head start on saving and put her family in a better situation financially by not waiting idly by for the courts to issue whatever pittance she's entitled to based on his $26/hour before taxes and child support. I'm just sayin' simple math states that she's not going to get much. Doesn't make sense for her to wait for him to leave for what will amount to be like an extra $50/month.

I don't think it's going to matter legally if she starts now or after he leaves in the whole scheme of things. She's already shown that he solely supported the family for over 15 years. No judge is going to say that her working in the last few months after he's proclaimed publicly on dang FB of all places that he's single is grounds for her to get less in support.
 
Reasonable minds can disagree on when to start working. But now that proof is had, it's time to talk to a local divorce atty.
 
okay, so last week he deleted me, and I freaked out and was really upset I sent him a friend request and he didn't accept it. I was highly upset and sent him a nasty message...he sent me a friend request (and I forgot about it), but due to posting here I remembered. So logged in an accepted and checked around his profile and low and behold it says single. So I posted on his wall: Wow I'm surprised - I didn't know you were single, and he has just blocked me. He is done work at 3 and it's now 4:30. How is he checking his FB when he should be on the way home (actually should be home by now). I called the cell phone and he's not answering...I feel like flipping out and throwing his **** outside, but I don't want to embarrass my kids. I blame myself for being in this predicament.
 
OK, this is hard to say but needs to be said. Now you know what's happening. Count it as a blessing that you found out today, instead of finding out after his bags are packed.

I think you should keep digging till you find out WHO she is. You'll need to know, because he's giving her your money.

I know emotions run high, but: do NOT sleep with him after this, do not confront him yet and do not try to forget it ever happened. All of those things will hurt you in the long run.

eta: $HIT!!! You should NOT have tipped your hand, hun. You just lost the upper hand AND some extra time to get yourself together :nono:
 
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