My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[~Sparklingflame~]

Oh my goodness Wow, this is the problem with relying 100% on the whims and finances of a man.

To be fully honest, you should trust your instincts, it seems that he married you for papers and now that he has them he's tryna cut ties with you

LadyP gave some excellent advice....TAKE IT. Listen to your instincts and get your ducks lined up in a row starting from NOW.

My Daddy told me from day one 'Dont rely on DH for money. Have your OWN money." This is coming from a man. OP, I do agree with LadyP tho. Dont work right now. Just always remember those words of advice. OP.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Being a SAHM is an honorable life, but it IS fraught with dangers. Side-slores are lying in wait, licking their chops to steal married men from their at-home wives.

 

[dlewis]

Thank you for all the posts thus far! I knew you all would come in an give me some good food for thought. I'm trying to "thank" all the posts but the board is acting wierd and telling me I don't have sufficient priviliges, blah blah blah.

multiquote is not working for me so here goes...

@ Lady P: girl I could really start a whole 'nother post on that topic because I do feel that he is tired of me and wants out of the relationship. He's just changed from the man I used to know and love. When he's mad at me he deletes me off his FB. He acts crazy nervous when I touch the cell phone and keeps it in his pocket at all times and even goes to the bathroom with it. He's into hanging with the boys from work all of a sudden (a bunch of young white dudes who seem to worship him as the cool novelty black guy, lol). His new motorcycle...his seemingly newfound love of...ahem.."mic checks", lol.

@ Poorbear - my high schooler leaves for school at about 8:15, the two middle girls catch the bus at 8:25 and my sons bus is at about the same time 8:20ish.

I would like to go to school and maybe become a health care aide not because I'm passionate about the elderly, but because it tends to be flexible...

In my heart I believe that my husband wants me to be working so as he can leave the marriage and not feel guilty about abandonning me.

We got married very young. I was 18 and he was 20. He was not legal in this country. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but would be deported if he didn't have a sponsor. I went against my parents and got married in secret. We didn't discuss careers, children etc.

If you feel this way I would start making plans.

 

[MissMasala5]

All the Gloria Steinem talk ain't helping the OP right now. Situation is critical- this is a prepping for divorce situation.

He ain't hanging with those white boys. He is hanging with a WOMAN. Can you put a "tattler" gps tracking device on his car? You will need to prove his infidelity. If you can catch him in the act, and film it, your case will be sewn up.

Yes, you'll need to work eventually but not yet. Wait to apply until the divorce- he will be legally obligated to support you AND the kids. But if you are working he's cut his cost by half or MORE.

The evidence is on the phone. Texts and calls are your best bet. Call the phone company TODAY and ask for a duplicate billing statement, say you lost it or something. The slore's number will be all over it.

Re: the bold--what if they live in a state that doesn't consider things like this in divorce proceedings? My BIL's ex cheated on him during the marriage, he likewise cheated on her. While they both caught each other, the wife was the one to use this for reason to divorce first (when he caught her, they tried counseling). The lawyers and judge didn't care about this, or any other reason to end the marriage. He only cared about the assets division and child custody.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Re: the bold--what if they live in a state that doesn't consider things like this in divorce proceedings? My BIL's ex cheated on him during the marriage, he likewise cheated on her. While they both caught each other, the wife was the one to use this for reason to divorce first (when he caught her, they tried counseling). The lawyers and judge didn't care about this, or any other reason to end the marriage. He only cared about the assets division and child custody.

I'm not a lawyer and I don't know what Canada's laws are. But even if it's not supposed to come into consideration, it still does sway the judge's opinion.

In your BIL's case, it didn't count because he took her back. If you sleep with them after they cheat, the cheating doesn't count in the proceedings.

 

[MissMasala5]

My Daddy told me from day one 'Dont rely on DH for money. Have your OWN money." This is coming from a man. OP, I do agree with LadyP tho. Dont work right now. Just always remember those words of advice. OP.

PREACH!!!

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

My Daddy told me from day one 'Dont rely on DH for money. Have your OWN money." This is coming from a man. OP, I do agree with LadyP tho. Dont work right now. Just always remember those words of advice. OP.

That right there is soooooo important. Being reliant on your husband for money is REALLY rolling the dice when you factor in the divorce rate, you have to ask him for money like he's your daddy, its a huge burden for one person to carry and you give them 100% of the power should things dissolve between the two of you, you've diminished your worth in the job market and you're out of practice being anything but a mom. Too too risky

Being a SAHM is an honorable life, but it IS fraught with dangers. Side-slores are lying in wait, licking their chops to steal married men from their at-home wives.

WORD especially when they can paint the SAHM as boring and whiney, and paint themselves as an exciting renaissance woman who's more fascinating etc, etc you gotta have your own identity and your own money to be prepared for life's curveballs.

 

[dlewis]

All the Gloria Steinem talk ain't helping the OP right now. Situation is critical- this is a prepping for divorce situation.

He ain't hanging with those white boys. He is hanging with a WOMAN. Can you put a "tattler" gps tracking device on his car? You will need to prove his infidelity. If you can catch him in the act, and film it, your case will be sewn up.

Yes, you'll need to work eventually but not yet. Wait to apply until the divorce- he will be legally obligated to support you AND the kids. But if you are working he's cut his cost by half or MORE.

The evidence is on the phone. Texts and calls are your best bet. Call the phone company TODAY and ask for a duplicate billing statement, say you lost it or something. The slore's number will be all over it.

I believe you can keep track of your cell phone bill and numbers called online now.

The reason I say that is because, I had a contractor I was working with, I had called him many many many times from my home, his wife called my home and asked why I was calling him. When I explained she said she kept seeing my number when she checked online.

 

[MissMasala5]

Thanks everyone...

Part of me is totally feeling sorry for myself and feeling very resentful. I know he sees me as someone with no ambition, no goals...I'm almost starting to believe it. I have to get myself together and throw away my dreams be realistic. I can't imagine being a single mother of 4, but I'm a mother of 4 and I may be single whether I like it or not. I can't believe this is the same man I married. I guess he's not the same man, as I know there is a big difference between 20 and 35. A lot happens in those years. It will be our 15th anniversary in a month and we have no plans to do anything special. Man...

Please don't claim this.

You both married while still growing and maturing, so of course he isn't the man you married. With personal growth comes change and certain realizations and not all them will be comfortable to the other party. If you feel your marriage is worth saving, seek counseling. In the meantime, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get all your ducks in a row. Best to you.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

OP it seems as though your DH used you . He got what he wanted, and now he's ready to bounce.

I agree with everyone that said that it's time for you to think about YOU and your children.

This could end up getting really ugly, and your DH could start playing really dirty.

Please stay one step ahead of him....do whatever you have to do--his actions and words have already given you what you need to start getting yourself together.

 

[dlewis]

I'm not a lawyer and I don't know what Canada's laws are. But even if it's not supposed to come into consideration, it still does sway the judge's opinion.

In your BIL's case, it didn't count because he took her back. If you sleep with them after they cheat, the cheating doesn't count in the proceedings.

I know this to be true also. An ex partner here tricked his wife into spending the weekend with him so that his affair would not count. After the divorce he married his side ho.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I'm a SAHM. I decided that I would take that risk in order to give the best to my children. I just could not bear to not know if my kids were being raped, beaten or whatever while I was at work. I know it's risky being home, but working has risks too.

Right now, though, I think any comments along the lines of "well you should have BEEN working" might be a bit abrasive for the OP whose whole LIFE is falling apart. Would y'all come into a thread about a poster's baby being abused at day care and say "Well you should have been a SAHM"? No, because it's insensitive.

 

[fluffylocks]

I think the quality of loving to be a SAHM and homemaker is a great one, and IMO it always good for children.
But these days men either wont turn away the extra income, or they need it, or expect it, or greatly appreciate and respect a woman for it.

So if you dont have someone that supports you in it, you have to work to make being a homemaker your goal.
The first thing I would do is look at the budget with him. I would look at how much I spend on myself, how much is spent on the kids, and rent or food ect.
For a start, I would look for a part time job to take care of all of my/your bills, and then to help with the kids, rent, or/and food. Some of it would also go to saving for myself/kids personally also for independence sake.
On the side, I would be looking to start an at home buisness, or get an at home job for flexability to do all the things you want to do at home.

I personally would REALLY get a parttime job. Because its still going to suck if you end up doing something/working fulltime if you feel unhappy or that you are comprimising too much. (I would really ask your SO how much he wants you to make) Either short hours (4 a day or something), or short work week (like 3), and use the rest of the time to be a homemaker, and think of a way to still make money while being a homemaker, and a excellent budget to spend and save.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I'm a SAHM. I decided that I would take that risk in order to give the best to my children. I just could not bear to not know if my kids were being raped, beaten or whatever while I was at work. I know it's risky being home, but working has risks too.

Right now, though, I think any comments along the lines of "well you should have BEEN working" might be a bit abrasive for the OP whose whole LIFE is falling apart. Would y'all come into a thread about a poster's baby being abused at day care and say "Well you should have been a SAHM"? No, because it's insensitive.

Totally agree with this post, as a SAHM myself, my children's safety and my piece of mind far outweighed money and materialism. Ain't nobody raising my kids but me and DH.

 

[Michelle1971]

I'm a SAHM. I decided that I would take that risk in order to give the best to my children. I just could not bear to not know if my kids were being raped, beaten or whatever while I was at work. I know it's risky being home, but working has risks too.

Right now, though, I think any comments along the lines of "well you should have BEEN working" might be a bit abrasive for the OP whose whole LIFE is falling apart. Would y'all come into a thread about a poster's baby being abused at day care and say "Well you should have been a SAHM"? No, because it's insensitive.

I completely agree as well. The OP got married young. She didn't know what the future would be like. Either way OP, I wish you the best and seriously listen to the advice in this thread, especially from LadyP

 

[shinyblackhair]

In the heat of arguments he will threaten to leave and tell me he's so tired of me and sometimes I fight back and say well maybe I'll leave and he'll say to me: "where will you go?" "you have no money and no job" I swear the things I put up with for these kids...

Lately, I've caught him looking at me...staring at me...not with an angry or disgusted look, but just looking. I'll turn to him and say "What!??!" and he'll just say "what's wrong with looking at my wife" I wonder if he really is disgusted with me. Maybe he's comparing me to someone else...when we watch tv together he always vocalizes who is "so cute" "so sexy" and he will say it over and over...kinda rude and disrespectful. He loves to tell me how the ladies like him and let's me know in no uncertain terms that women find him attractive...

Sorry I got sidetracked from the whole job thing...guess I should be looking at the online classifieds instead of LHCF, LOL!

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

LadyP I have to admit, when you made your initial reply about him probably having a side-piece and alienating her to diminish guilt, I was a little bewildered like well where'd that come from but now that the OP expounded it all makes sense....I'm really glad I know all this for future reference

 

[dlewis]

In the heat of arguments he will threaten to leave and tell me he's so tired of me and sometimes I fight back and say well maybe I'll leave and he'll say to me: "where will you go?" "you have no money and no job" I swear the things I put up with for these kids...

Lately, I've caught him looking at me...staring at me...not with an angry or disgusted look, but just looking. I'll turn to him and say "What!??!" and he'll just say "what's wrong with looking at my wife" I wonder if he really is disgusted with me. Maybe he's comparing me to someone else...when we watch tv together he always vocalizes who is "so cute" "so sexy" and he will say it over and over...kinda rude and disrespectful. He loves to tell me how the ladies like him and let's me know in no uncertain terms that women find him attractive...

Sorry I got sidetracked from the whole job thing...guess I should be looking at the online classifieds instead of LHCF, LOL!

My husband does the exact same thing. I say and he says the exact same think you posted. I have never felt anything was wrong with it in my situation. You go with what you feel.

@ the second bolded my temper is soo bad, he wouldn't say that to many times.

I do wonder what he's thinking, what's going on with your DH.

 

[MissSenegal]

Talk to a lawyer please. They will be able to answer any questions you have or look up the laws about alimony and child support in Canada. You should be able to access cell records online or have them mail you a detailed bill. Document everything. What time he gets home, check if he's making late night phone calls. Also keep track of all the money in case he tries to hide any in different accounts.
Does he seem like he would leave the country to avoid responsibility? This may sound extreme but I've seen it happen.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

In the heat of arguments he will threaten to leave and tell me he's so tired of me and sometimes I fight back and say well maybe I'll leave and he'll say to me: "where will you go?" "you have no money and no job" I swear the things I put up with for these kids...

Lately, I've caught him looking at me...staring at me...not with an angry or disgusted look, but just looking. I'll turn to him and say "What!??!" and he'll just say "what's wrong with looking at my wife" I wonder if he really is disgusted with me. Maybe he's comparing me to someone else...when we watch tv together he always vocalizes who is "so cute" "so sexy" and he will say it over and over...kinda rude and disrespectful. He loves to tell me how the ladies like him and let's me know in no uncertain terms that women find him attractive...

Sorry I got sidetracked from the whole job thing...guess I should be looking at the online classifieds instead of LHCF, LOL!

Oh yeah. Sounds like hes cheating. PLEASE protect yourself!!!

 

[nathansgirl1908]

My husband feels that now that our youngest is starting Kindergarten that it is "time" and that I've been "sitting here" long enough. I feel all kinds of upset about his view of my being home with our four kids over the years, but for the sake of brevity I won't get into it.

I realize that my husband is stressed and resentful at carrying the financial load and would like for me to "get a job". The only thing I've asked of him is that he try and switch to the midnight shift to accomodate my going to work full time and so that someone will be here to deal with the kids. He is adamant about NOT going on nights.

We have 4 children in three different schools:

1 in grade nine - walks to school
2 at French immersion (grades 3 and 4 bussed)
1 in JK at local elementary (bussed)

I (we) need to get the kids off in their various directions in the mornings. Who could I get to do this when I find a full time job? I don't have neighbours to depend on. Any job that I manage to find (office admin work) usually requires an 8:30 or 9 a.m. start. Husband works days 7-3 downtown Toronto (we are in suburbs). Hire a nanny? We don't make "nanny" kind of money, lol. The most I can hope of making is $20/hr. Husband makes about $26/hr.

If he was on nights he would be there to deal with the kids and would be able to get them off to school in the morning, go to sleep and then get them off the bus in the afternoon. You'd think considering how badly he wants me to get a job he'd be willing to do this. This is how my parents worked around us as kids.

I'll admit I'm not happy about the prospect of going back to work all I've ever wanted to be was a wife, mother and homemaker, but I feel as though he's not comprimising and he just wants everything his way. He wants me to work and "fend for myself" and stop "depending" on him - quotes are his actual words. At this point while I love being here for my kids and in my home, the pressure from husband, and lack of respect and appreciation for what I do is making it seem not worth the sacrifice. He is resentful and always getting upset with me, so I know that I need to work. Fine! But am I wrong in requiring him to at least change his schedule to suit the kids and our family? He'd work 4 nights 10 hour each and get 3 days off...if I could find a midnight job trust me I would do it in a heartbeat.

Any advice? Help me see what I'm missing??? Please be gentle my self esteem and confidence are in the pits right now...

If he has been willing to allow you to be a homemaker long enough to get all of your children into school, I fail to see the lack of compromise or him wanting everything his way.

I can't identify with your perceived dilemma because I don't have kids, but I will say that I know plenty of women who have multiple kids and they manage just fine with working and getting the kids straight. And they don't require their husbands to get a midnight shift.

 

[MissMasala5]

In the heat of arguments he will threaten to leave and tell me he's so tired of me and sometimes I fight back and say well maybe I'll leave and he'll say to me: "where will you go?" "you have no money and no job" I swear the things I put up with for these kids...

Lately, I've caught him looking at me...staring at me...not with an angry or disgusted look, but just looking. I'll turn to him and say "What!??!" and he'll just say "what's wrong with looking at my wife" I wonder if he really is disgusted with me. Maybe he's comparing me to someone else...when we watch tv together he always vocalizes who is "so cute" "so sexy" and he will say it over and over...kinda rude and disrespectful. He loves to tell me how the ladies like him and let's me know in no uncertain terms that women find him attractive...

Sorry I got sidetracked from the whole job thing...guess I should be looking at the online classifieds instead of LHCF, LOL!

It was difficult to read this without my ears getting hot (which means my bp is getting higher).

This definitely sounds like he's getting with another person. Please do consider this as a very real possibility. Right now, YOU need to be your first and best advocate.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I hope he's not insensitive enough to take all the money from you from bank accts--but it's something to think about.

This is mentioned because it is a possibility esp. if he's saying he should leave. Men have done this over and over again to women.

It's one of the reason's why, in this day and age, I believe a woman should have her own bank account. At least if he withdraws money from the joint acct. you'll have enough to live off of for you and your children until a court decides to settle things--if it comes to that point.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

Oh yeah. Sounds like hes cheating. PLEASE protect yourself!!!

Both Financially and Sexuallyerplexed

 

[Raspberry]

Much food for thought in this thread, I'm sorry you have to go through this OP and hopefully you have someone you can talk to and get emotional support.

Also I would encourage you to start protecting yourself sexually, get tested for STDs and maybe insist on using condoms - I know that may be easier said then done. His change in preference for "mic checks" is a red flag - nothin wrong with oral but if he's getting it elsewhere you really need to be cautious about exposing yourself to disease.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

In the heat of arguments he will threaten to leave and tell me he's so tired of me and sometimes I fight back and say well maybe I'll leave and he'll say to me: "where will you go?" "you have no money and no job" I swear the things I put up with for these kids...

Lately, I've caught him looking at me...staring at me...not with an angry or disgusted look, but just looking. I'll turn to him and say "What!??!" and he'll just say "what's wrong with looking at my wife" I wonder if he really is disgusted with me. Maybe he's comparing me to someone else...when we watch tv together he always vocalizes who is "so cute" "so sexy" and he will say it over and over...kinda rude and disrespectful. He loves to tell me how the ladies like him and let's me know in no uncertain terms that women find him attractive...

Sorry I got sidetracked from the whole job thing...guess I should be looking at the online classifieds instead of LHCF, LOL!

So you will apply for jobs, even knowing that this means he will take all the money over to his side-hoe and leave you with 4 kids and almost penniless?????

eta: re: mic checks...he wants to avoid getting you preggo again possibly, or it's less intimate which he prefers.

 

[Michelle1971]

If he has been willing to allow you to be a homemaker long enough to get all of your children into school, I fail to see the lack of compromise or him wanting everything his way.

I can't identify with your perceived dilemma because I don't have kids, but I will say that I know plenty of women who have multiple kids and they manage just fine with working and getting the kids straight. And they don't require their husbands to get a midnight shift.

Read all the OP's posts, there is a lot more to the situation that you need to take into account.

 

[ThickHair]

Talk to a lawyer please. They will be able to answer any questions you have or look up the laws about alimony and child support in Canada. You should be able to access cell records online or have them mail you a detailed bill. Document everything. What time he gets home, check if he's making late night phone calls. Also keep track of all the money in case he tries to hide any in different accounts.
Does he seem like he would leave the country to avoid responsibility? This may sound extreme but I've seen it happen.

If she is not on the cellphone account she can not do anything. Her spouse could sue the phone company for giving her his information, it doesn't matter if they are married. There are privacy acts everywhere.

 

[kandake]

Hugs to you OP. My heart sank when I read your second synopsis of your marital situation. This is a tough one. I think its time for a very candid conversation.

I'm not going to make any assumptions about what's going on with your husband. Only you know what the deal is. But I will say that regardless of the situation you should start making your own money; (1) to help support the family given your husband's financial concerns (this is if his concerns are genuine and not because he's looking for an out) (2) to put aside your own money just in case...

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

In the heat of arguments he will threaten to leave and tell me he's so tired of me and sometimes I fight back and say well maybe I'll leave and he'll say to me: "where will you go?" "you have no money and no job" I swear the things I put up with for these kids...

Lately, I've caught him looking at me...staring at me...not with an angry or disgusted look, but just looking. I'll turn to him and say "What!??!" and he'll just say "what's wrong with looking at my wife" I wonder if he really is disgusted with me. Maybe he's comparing me to someone else...when we watch tv together he always vocalizes who is "so cute" "so sexy" and he will say it over and over...kinda rude and disrespectful. He loves to tell me how the ladies like him and let's me know in no uncertain terms that women find him attractive...

Sorry I got sidetracked from the whole job thing...guess I should be looking at the online classifieds instead of LHCF, LOL!

NO, you shouldn't work a day untill the proceedings so that you put yourself in the best position, please listen to what LadyP is advising you to do!

So you will apply for jobs, even knowing that this means he will take all the money over to his side-hoe and leave you with 4 kids and almost penniless?????

eta: re: mic checks...he wants to avoid getting you preggo again possibly, or it's less intimate which he prefers.

Wow so what are your suggestions for the OP to support her and her kids when everything comes to a head prior to the proceedings?