My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[Poohbear]

Which is why I responded as I did. He wants her to act like a single woman... now why is that? :scratchch He doesn't want her to depend on him? Hmm. Seems like most men DO want their wife to depend on them... men hate it when they don't feel needed. Fend for herself!!! that's not a good sign.

You're right about men hate it when they don't feel needed... I don't think he wants her to act like she is single...it may be that he doesn't want her to have so much idle time to where another man could come into the picture while she's at home and he's at work. Not for sure, just a thought since things like that have happened in marriages where the stay-at-home wife is cheating on the husband in her free time.

This is my 16,000th post!

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Read all the OP's posts, there is a lot more to the situation that you need to take into account.

I read them. But it still doesn't seem like he has not compromised.

as for that other stuff, while it seems smart NOT to work because it could decrease her alimony, it could leave her in a desperate financial situation. Sometimes in that interval between the separation and getting everything ironed out in court for the divorce, women who aren't working find themselves trapped for cash. If he is going to be a jerk, he may not pay bills in the house or may delay payment of bills until she's in a dire situation. So I don't know how wise it is to advise her not to work.

But also, the OP knew the real deal when she married him. They married for papers, not love. What else do you expect in a situation like that? I'm sorry this is happening, but now is the time to get herself together and start making sure she can take care of herself.

 

[Poohbear]

@ Poorbear - my high schooler leaves for school at about 8:15, the two middle girls catch the bus at 8:25 and my sons bus is at about the same time 8:20ish.

I would like to go to school and maybe become a health care aide not because I'm passionate about the elderly, but because it tends to be flexible...

In my heart I believe that my husband wants me to be working so as he can leave the marriage and not feel guilty about abandonning me.

We got married very young. I was 18 and he was 20. He was not legal in this country. He said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but would be deported if he didn't have a sponsor. I went against my parents and got married in secret. We didn't discuss careers, children etc.

Oh wow, I didn't realize it was like that (@ the bolded)... not sure what to say. If this is the case, I would most definitely be looking for a job...

As far as being a health care aide, look for 1-3 month programs that allow you to take classes and take the CNA test. That can help get your foot into the door with a health care aide career.

 

[Dak]

I agree with BlackMasterPiece, don't look at getting a job now, now is the time to find out if he's cheating and talk with an attorney.

Your instincts are telling your something is not right. Please listen to them.

This may be a good time to go back to school, become a CNA or something else that appeals to you.

 

[shinyblackhair]

I'm just stepping out to take my son to his kindergarten interview. He's meeting his teacher today! Hope it goes well...she taught my 3rd daughter for both junior and senior kindegarten. I'll be back...

 

[LadyPaniolo]

NO, you shouldn't work a day untill the proceedings so that you put yourself in the best position, please listen to what LadyP is advising you to do!

Honestly, this is what divorce lawyers tell women in the OP's position. The little bit of money you will scrape together will not amount to a hill of beans next to what you are owed if you never worked.

Wow so what are your suggestions for the OP to support her and her kids when everything comes to a head prior to the proceedings?

Times will be tight for a minute, especially if he decides to leave the day before the mortgage is due and give the mortgage payment to the sidehoe. No matter what she will have a little gap during which time she will be low on cash. It's important to keep the house stocked to the gills with groceries and the gas tank filled because honestly he could dip at any time. His vehemence about her working suggests he wants out YESTERDAY. Could be that the side-hoe "accidentally" got pregnant in order to quicken his pace, or that she is making demands and he wants to pacify her.

Again, I'm not Canadian. I don't know how things work. But here, she will get a temporary order of support within a week or two after the petition is filed. She won't be in the lurch for too long between when he leaves and that temp order comes through.

Whatever you do, don't work. AND don't LOOK actively for work, and don't work under the table (like babysitting for cash) because the judge will see that and think you are trying to game the system. The payoff in the divorce settlement will be so much greater than the temporary broke-ness you will endure.

You NEED to know who the side-hoe is so that you can file for her bank records to be examined. He IS hiding money, you just don't know where yet. I'll bet he's been extra cheap lately, so he can have lower documented living expenses for his wife and kids. The extra is being siphoned off either into an account in his name only or into an account under his mother or his jumpoff's name.

 

[kmn1980]

In the heat of arguments he will threaten to leave and tell me he's so tired of me and sometimes I fight back and say well maybe I'll leave and he'll say to me: "where will you go?" "you have no money and no job" I swear the things I put up with for these kids...

Wrong uckin' answer, sir. This is just ridiculous.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Oh, and I would not recommend doing a 3 month home health aide course. Don't be a fool and play yourself small. With spousal support he has to pay for X number of years OR until she can support herself. When he has to pay till a new career is established, why not go for something you can actually live off of? Something that will pay WELL. Because once that support is over, it's OVER. Use it wisely is my advice. Wiping butts for chump change? Not if you have ANY other choice.

 

[MissMasala5]

Oh, and I would not recommend doing a 3 month home health aide course. Don't be a fool and play yourself small. With spousal support he has to pay for X number of years OR until she can support herself. When he has to pay till a new career is established, why not go for something you can actually live off of? Something that will pay WELL. Because once that support is over, it's OVER. Use it wisely is my advice. Wiping butts for chump change? Not if you have ANY other choice.

ITA. A front desk job in an office answering phones pays the same or more, is less work, less stress, no classes to take or license to earn, and is a lot more dignified, IMO.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

ITA. A front desk job in an office answering phones pays the same or more, is less work, less stress, no classes to take or license to earn, and is a lot more dignified, IMO.

She could go back to college on his dime to get a higher degree. Answering phones can be done by anyone with a HS diploma and doesn't pay well. Depending on her talents, she could come away with something very lucrative.

eta: but ITA, secretary jobs are WAY better than CNA jobs

 

[nathansgirl1908]

A judge is likely going to tell her to get a job. I think judges are less and less sympathetic these days. Especially if the woman is able-bodied and can work. You can still see an attorney, but I just don't see the point of potentially living in misery.

 

[Minty]

Times will be tight for a minute, especially if he decides to leave the day before the mortgage is due and give the mortgage payment to the sidehoe. No matter what she will have a little gap during which time she will be low on cash. It's important to keep the house stocked to the gills with groceries and the gas tank filled because honestly he could dip at any time. His vehemence about her working suggests he wants out YESTERDAY. Could be that the side-hoe "accidentally" got pregnant in order to quicken his pace, or that she is making demands and he wants to pacify her.

Again, I'm not Canadian. I don't know how things work. But here, she will get a temporary order of support within a week or two after the petition is filed. She won't be in the lurch for too long between when he leaves and that temp order comes through.

Whatever you do, don't work. AND don't LOOK actively for work, and don't work under the table (like babysitting for cash) because the judge will see that and think you are trying to game the system. The payoff in the divorce settlement will be so much greater than the temporary broke-ness you will endure.

You NEED to know who the side-hoe is so that you can file for her bank records to be examined. He IS hiding money, you just don't know where yet. I'll bet he's been extra cheap lately, so he can have lower documented living expenses for his wife and kids. The extra is being siphoned off either into an account in his name only or into an account under his mother or his jumpoff's name.

Man LadyP...Thanks for that. I was going to say work under the table but even that would be brought out in court too because hub. would know about it.

I do say def. to start squirreling away EVERYTHING! Get a couple of pairs of clothes/shoes/underwear for the kids in their size and one size larger.

*Ask for a bit extra than you normally do - don't spend it - EVEN on the kids. DON"T spend it! Just put it away somewhere safe.

*Ask him for money in order to update your wardrobe - let him know you need work clothes, and indeed you will. SAHM have a tendency to overlook their personal style and this will not go far when you eventually will need to start working again.

*Get used to living on less NOW. The extra money you save now will serve as a bridge when things get tight.

*Do not talk to anyone about it. If people ask, let them know things are good. Do not complain about your husband and this is the most important - do not argue with him. The psychology of the guilty is a very particular and hateful one. They are incessant and do all they can to take the life energy out of you. You can not control him, but you can control your response to him and his actions. Don't argue.

*Do document these things you are saying to us, especially the slow descent of your sexual relationship, the comments he says to you about your looks, your behavior - essentially all things that are designed to put you down.

*Do make amends with your parents if you haven't already and if that is possible.

*Do find local resources that are for "displaced homemakers" - the gov't will have programs for them to go back to school, job training, job placement assistance. There are also non profit organizations that will help also. - If you can find somewhere to volunteer a few hours out of the week, this will give you networking outlets.

*Do find occasions to get out and network, expand your circle and meet new people.

**No matter what you do, don't get frustration and threaten abandonment - that's what it is when you say "maybe I'll leave" ...doesn't matter if you don't mean it.

You will no doubt be the primary care taker of your kids - you must take steps to ensure that your family will not fall apart when/if your husband decides to leave you.

.....for a bit of levity, watch "The Family That Preys" I say this so that you will begin to acknowledge the need for mental/emotional toughness.

I pray all works out for you and your family love.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

A judge is likely going to tell her to get a job. I think judges are less and less sympathetic these days. Especially if the woman is able-bodied and can work. You can still see an attorney, but I just don't see the point of potentially living in misery.

He will tell her she cannot get live off of him forever, which used to be how alimony worked. But she will not get spousal support if she has been working during the marriage.

eta: to clarify, yes she will need to work eventually. But I'd rather work after brushing up my skills and living somewhat comfy during that time than be wiping butts for almost minimum wage while he showers his slore with money.

 

[Poohbear]

@ LadyPaniolo

I keep over your hair everytime I see that pic in your signature!!!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

HijabiFlyGirl makes GREAT points. Keep your own counsel and start a diary recording his behavior and your feelings when he puts you down.

eta: thanks Poohbear!

 

[nathansgirl1908]

He will tell her she cannot get live off of him forever, which used to be how alimony worked. But she will not get spousal support if she has been working during the marriage.

eta: to clarify, yes she will need to work eventually. But I'd rather work after brushing up my skills and living somewhat comfy during that time than be wiping butts for almost minimum wage while he showers his slore with money.

I don't know about where she lives, but there have been women here who have gotten spousal support when they were SAHM for a majority of the time, but took on a somewhat poorly paying job in a short period before the divorce.

I want to add to the OP that if that is you in your avatar, you should take it down. Immediately. And remove any identifying information.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

*lights up a newport one hunnit n pours me some covah-see-ay or howeva da hell u spellit*

well well well....there some stinch in da air. lemme git dis hea straight. so da mu'phucka done tole u afta how many..*counts on fingas*..1-2-3.....afta 4 chirren datchu need to git a job?

he starts hangin out wif da pink boys n done went out n bought a motorcycle. yeah, he phuckin. sho is. see, not only is someone on his penis, but someone is in his ear too. meanin someone tellin him dis shyt and then he comes home and put it on you. dat go git a job came from one of his buddies. and see, he wants u to git a job so he can have some ho funds. da ho gotta eat n shyt, so da more he puts into yalls household, da less he has to splurge on his new ho.

it's phucked up, but it's true. he ain't dat bright to think well...lemme tell her to git a job cuz dat'll be less money i gotta pay in spousal support. u women give these dogs way too much credit. but i will give him a lil credit. he's givin u a heads up. da writin is on da wall. he feels trapped financially, which is why he tellin u to go find a job.

*puff n plucks ash...takes a sip*

but then again, by me bein olda, there is a WHOOOOOLE lot more to this story than what ur tellin. like, if ur home all day, and when he gits home, is dinner cooked..lil dumb shyt like that...is da house clean? are u keepin urself up? das prolly why he was lookin atchu all stoopit n shyt. neva know whats goin thru his mind chile. just neva know. he prolly tired of comin home to da same ole bu'shyt. i ain't sayin dats da case shuga...im just sayin. there are always three sides to a story, urs, his and da truth.

well, u done dealth with it this long, now u need to devise plan. eitha have a plan or plan to fail. since u in da house all dayum day, idle time is da devil time. start gettin YOU togetha cuz see, when da shyt hits da fan, u gotta be prepared. i wouldn't leave him now cuz you'll be givin him what he wants lololol i know its sad, but true.

you already know in ur heart dat he out der, so no sense in tryna fix dat cuz whats done is done. get a job and start bankin some money. straightup. don't tell him how much u make, etc. nunna his dayum bidness. get a job n start gettin ur shyt t'getha cuz now u gotta focus on u and dem chirren. but one thing i won't do is leave my home. phuck dat. he want out, den he gotta go. simple as that.

*puffs n sips some mo*

i would reverse da psych on him. i would git a job, have everything in place, wouldn't bother him too much bout sex, or how was his day, etc. in other words, i would kill his monkey azzz with kindness. throw him a curve ball. u gotta psych these bamas out when u play dis game of whose gonna get phucked first. don't show emotion to let him know datchu know he out der cuz all its gonna do is make matters worse. right now, he sees dat ur weak cuz u ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. gain ur position n get back on ur feet and let dat be da reason chile.

avoid arguments and do whatchu gotta do. bein a housewife and all dat is nice, but if u ain't financially got it goin on (like baller wives n shyt), then it ain't cute. imma need u to step ur game up. can't be no broke azzzz housewife. dayum dat.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

I don't know about where she lives, but there have been women here who have gotten spousal support when they were SAHM for a majority of the time, but took on a somewhat poorly paying job in a short period before the divorce.

I want to add to the OP that if that is you in your avatar, you should take it down. Immediately. And remove any identifying information.

co-sign on removing identifying info.

There may have been some who got support but: probably less than they would have otherwise gotten AND it will be much harder for her to do career training/college if she has 4 kids AND a chump change job. If she later quits it getting an increase (in spousal support) will be like pulling teeth.

 

[Minty]

*Blows a kiss to ThatJerseyGirl*

If you do decide to work mama - please don't fall for the okey'dok and start "sharing the finances and bills"

They will spend up all your money and you'll be broken as hell and still in the same position!

Since the relationship was started and maintained as one where he paid all the bills - if and when you decide to work, your wages are yours alone. I wouldn't discuss how much you make, and come tax time, you file separate. Keep your money.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

*lights up a newport one hunnit n pours me some covah-see-ay or howeva da hell u spellit*

well well well....there some stinch in da air. lemme git dis hea straight. so da mu'phucka done tole u afta how many..*counts on fingas*..1-2-3.....afta 4 chirren datchu need to git a job?

he starts hangin out wif da pink boys n done went out n bought a motorcycle. yeah, he phuckin. sho is. see, not only is someone on his penis, but someone is in his ear too. meanin someone tellin him dis shyt and then he comes home and put it on you. dat go git a job came from one of his buddies. and see, he wants u to git a job so he can have some ho funds. da ho gotta eat n shyt, so da more he puts into yalls household, da less he has to splurge on his new ho.

it's phucked up, but it's true. he ain't dat bright to think well...lemme tell her to git a job cuz dat'll be less money i gotta pay in spousal support. u women give these dogs way too much credit. but i will give him a lil credit. he's givin u a heads up. da writin is on da wall. he feels trapped financially, which is why he tellin u to go find a job.

*puff n plucks ash...takes a sip*

but then again, by me bein olda, there is a WHOOOOOLE lot more to this story than what ur tellin. like, if ur home all day, and when he gits home, is dinner cooked..lil dumb shyt like that...is da house clean? are u keepin urself up? das prolly why he was lookin atchu all stoopit n shyt. neva know whats goin thru his mind chile. just neva know. he prolly tired of comin home to da same ole bu'shyt. i ain't sayin dats da case shuga...im just sayin. there are always three sides to a story, urs, his and da truth.

well, u done dealth with it this long, now u need to devise plan. eitha have a plan or plan to fail. since u in da house all dayum day, idle time is da devil time. start gettin YOU togetha cuz see, when da shyt hits da fan, u gotta be prepared. i wouldn't leave him now cuz you'll be givin him what he wants lololol i know its sad, but true.

you already know in ur heart dat he out der, so no sense in tryna fix dat cuz whats done is done. get a job and start bankin some money. straightup. don't tell him how much u make, etc. nunna his dayum bidness. get a job n start gettin ur shyt t'getha cuz now u gotta focus on u and dem chirren. but one thing i won't do is leave my home. phuck dat. he want out, den he gotta go. simple as that.

*puffs n sips some mo*

i would reverse da psych on him. i would git a job, have everything in place, wouldn't bother him too much bout sex, or how was his day, etc. in other words, i would kill his monkey azzz with kindness. throw him a curve ball. u gotta psych these bamas out when u play dis game of whose gonna get phucked first. don't show emotion to let him know datchu know he out der cuz all its gonna do is make matters worse. right now, he sees dat ur weak cuz u ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. gain ur position n get back on ur feet and let dat be da reason chile.

avoid arguments and do whatchu gotta do. bein a housewife and all dat is nice, but if u ain't financially got it goin on (like baller wives n shyt), then it ain't cute. imma need u to step ur game up. can't be no broke azzzz housewife. dayum dat.

 

[MissJ]

How was your husband raised? This type of behavior sounds familiar for a certain type of man, while another type would never utter those words.

 

[TayMac]

How much he would he even have to give on $26/hr? Are you sure about his income?
OP do you have a savings account or anything that you will be able to sell?

 

[LadyPaniolo]

One major concern that I have is that he might take the ho3 and run to his home country with ALL the money. In which case, well. Things won't go so smooth for OP and her kids. It's been known to happen.

 

[cocoaluv]

LadyP I have to admit, when you made your initial reply about him probably having a side-piece and alienating her to diminish guilt, I was a little bewildered like well where'd that come from but now that the OP expounded it all makes sense....I'm really glad I know all this for future reference

Me too!!! I read it and though to myself Nooooooooooooooo dont scare the woman off like that her hubby just wants her to contribute to the family. But LadyP knew the deal!

Its a scary world out there for sure. Its like you cant trust anyone and everyone just wants a piece of you. Just sad.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

DatJersyGirl, I love your posts. ITA that keeping things sexy and peaceful is important for SAHMs as a *preventive* measure. But it's too late, he is already gone. He IS thinking about leaving because he TOLD HER he wants to leave! He wants to leave and he's plotting how to come out on top financially. It won't be long till he's gone.

 

[MRJ1972]

OP...I am very sorry that you going through this....The ladies have provided some valuable advice!!! Just praying that everything works itself out in time.

 

[~Sparklingflame~]

JersyGirl, you crack me UPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

 

[FlowerHair]

One major concern that I have is that he might take the ho3 and run to his home country with ALL the money. In which case, well. Things won't go so smooth for OP and her kids. It's been known to happen.

I agree with all your posts in this thread. You spotted the problem first thing and you have given excellent advice.

But what is really ALL that money when all he makes is $26 an hour?
Do you think he's truthful about how much money he's making? How can OP find out the truth?

OP, I'm really sorry for all the things you're going through. After 15 years!

 

[awhyley]

I've been off and on in this thread all day just shaking my head. Kudos to LadyP who saw through to this issue on the onset. Here I was thinking that this man was just stressed out, but oh no. OP, I pray that maybe he just is stressed out and that is a cry for help; however, based on the actions you described, I fear that this is the end of the road for your 15 year marriage. Someone suggested sitting down with him and discussing the budget, which is the PERFECT way to get into his financial business. If he thinks that you want to solely trim expenses, he may open up enough for you to get the info. you need to nail his @ss.

Either way, you want to know where you can cut back if he decides to go, as you may also need to hire a private investigator, (but only after you've started evidence-gathering on your own).

I know this to be true also. An ex partner here tricked his wife into spending the weekend with him so that his affair would not count. After the divorce he married his side ho.

STILL shaking my head at this. WOW.

But also, the OP knew the real deal when she married him. They married for papers, not love. What else do you expect in a situation like that?

She went against her parents wishes and MARRIED him. They've been together for 15 years! This isn't some green card deal that he's reneging on. OP, does he send money to his family back home? That's usually how they get the assets out from under your nose. He maybe establishing himself somewhere else until he's ready to bounce. If you can, check with his co-workers. They WILL know who that side-piece is. See if anyone lets anything slip during conversation.

There's been some awesome info. stated in here, and the main thing I'd agree with is to start volunteering like crazy. Get yourself out there. It's a toss up on whether you should or should not be working, but when you're ready, make sure that people know who you are. We'll be praying for you and the kids dem.

 

[Zuleika]

OP, just curious, where is your husband from?