My Husband told me to "Get a Job"!!!

[jada1111]

OP, like most of the ladies here, I hear you, recognize the difficult situation your in, and think you have valid concerns about your husbands behavior...still....I wonder if you're telling the whole story. Everytime I read one of your posts my spidey sense goes off. All the way something about this situation is not adding up. Just putting that out there...

If you re-read her posts, you'll see that she does reveal little things and you can deduce from that what the situation probably is.

Bottomline is that right now, he wants OUT and the OP probably still wants to work on the relationship, but he is emotionally no longer there, if he ever was.

 

[awhyley]

I've been at this thread since 8am this morning, and just got to the end (I'm at work people, I don't read that slow). I had alot to say but now that I have the time to type, I don't remember all that much. The main thing I wanted to note was that someone suggested that you put that drivers ed money up and start saving it. I would agree and demand that money from him while you start saving your own money instead. I don't know about putting that tuition on credit, but if he agrees, you may want to go for it. He hangs around dangerous characters, so waiting for a divorce to finalize is really not an option. Who knows what he maybe doing on the side? He has more money than you think, that's for sure; so your main job now is to find it and upgrade yourself for when you're ready to make that move. Your sister told your mum for sure, that's why she's stopping by. This is the time to put everything on the table. Not your plans mind you, but you may want to elude to the fact that you're ready to make some changes and see what type of help she's willing to offer. Now is the time.

ETA: Whether or liked you/loved you, at the beginning of the marriage is irrelevant. He is disrespectful and hateful now and you don't have to put up with that. (i) Address this budget situation, (ii) you need to know where his head is at in terms of the future and (iii) see what kinds of help is available for single mothers in your area.

 

[Moopeh]

I'm assuming it from the OP's posts. I don't believed he loved her. I think he cared for her, but was never IN LOVE with her. She married him behind her family's back, because deep down she probably knew this, but didn't care, because her feelings overrode the truth. She was also very young at the time. People grow and change. He needed his papers, she provided that with the marriage. She was in love, he was in like.

This is just MY personal take on the situation.

Women are notorious for trying to "change" someone or for seeing things that aren't there. I was guilty of this as well. You live and you learn though. I believe what I "see" and ain't trying to change nobody to be what I desire them to be. He either is or is not.

very presumptuous.

 

[Moopeh]

?...... sometimes men are abusive. How can this not add up?

 

[MissYocairis]

Sigh. Some of y'all I'mma just leave that be for right now. Shinyblackhair, you have been working all these secretarial jobs during the marriage, so by my understanding (probably the judge's, too) you are not going to be considered a "displaced homemaker" and the spousal support you'd be entitled to would be minimal based on that fact, at least here in the US.

It also hit me... Canadian dollars are not worth the same as US dollars, so I don't know how to assess his pay now. I had been going by the rule of thumb that double the hourly wage = the # of thousands per annum ($26/hr = $52,000/yr) but since he doesn't even have a HS diploma that seems unlikely to be an accurate estimate. $52k here is about what an accountant with a Bachelor's can earn, that's probably not equal to what your DH takes in.

I say all that to say: You need a job, yesterday. Whether you stay or go, you need your own cash, ASAP.

We don't know the divorce law in the province she is living in...but that is not necessarily the case in the US. I lived in Ohio. Was divorced and during the marriage was a SAHM approx. 65% of the marriage. There were periods when I worked for a state agency. I had benefits and all. Not only did the judge award me alimony...but he also ordered that my exH refinance the house and pay me a certain percentage for the equity I had paid inot the home when I was working because we were putting all of our salary into one "pot". (and this was a house he already owned before we married). So...the judge ordered 1 year of alimony for every 3 years of marriage. And, we only had two children.

For my divorce it came down to one thing....I had a damn good attorney who did an outstanding job at highlighting how much of a jerk my abusive husband had been during our marriage and how much of a jerk he was "financially" once I finally left him. The concensus in the courtroom was that this dude OWED ME money. There wasn't any cheating...but the financial, verbal and physical abuse was enough to convince the judge that regardless of whether I had worked a few years or not, this situation needed to be made right.

Now, it could have gone a totally different way had I not had a really good attorney. Oh, and the judge ordered that he pay my legal fees plus all outstanding medical bills for the children. But, it was that attorney who made the difference for me in my divorce.

OH! And, btw...I left him when I was a SAHM got a job immediately and worked for 2 years before I even filed for divorce. FULL TIME with benefits. That was not counted against me when the consideration of alimony came up. I will say that during the 2 year separation, exH tried two things a) to wait it out and withhold his hand financially to see if I would fold and come back...he was couting on me being weak. and b) begged me to come back and tried showering us with gifts from time to time....but where he messed up was, he didn't financially support the children for the most part during the entire separation and I could prove it. So, he had no mitigating circumstance to offset the damage done during the marriage.

I'm not even done reading this thread, but Shinyblackhair, I cannot stress enough how VITAL a good attorney is going to be to you. A good attorney will be invaluable. Do not SLEEP on this detail. Even if you do not know what you are going to do...you still need to be shopping attys. And, you need to be looking at getting the initial retainer and filing fee socked away so you are ready if you need to hire. The subsequent court costs and charges will be thrown in his lap and he will be ordered to pay them. But that initial retainer you need to pull together asap.

I know a dude whose wife put him through law school. One year after he passed the bar, he started cheating and had an outside baby. Next thing you know he's moved out and files. He convinced her that he only wants the best for their FOUR children regardless and that he would take care of the divorce paperwork as long as they could agree on all the terms it would be easier....well, she didn't hire her own atty and went the "mediation" non-contested route....she didn't get a DIME and he left her with bills and he arragned shared custody of the four kids so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.

Whoever said divorce is war is right. It is NOT a time to do the "teamwork" thing. If the teamwork thing was working, y'all wouldn't be in this situation now. The trust is gone. Time to fight.

 

[ambergirl]

Like what? Trust me, I know I'm not perfect and that there are two sides to every story. Please feel free to question me on anything that doesn't sound right. I'd be more than happy to provide clarification...not sure what else to say.

If you re-read her posts, you'll see that she does reveal little things and you can deduce from that what the situation probably is.

OP I didn't mean to imply that you're being intentionally vague or unclear at all, but as I mentioned in a previous post it seems like the info comes in dribble drabbles and each new piece of info brings a whole other layer to the situation. Maybe that's just the nature of having these conversations online.

Honestly, I can't put my finger on it, other then to say based on how you've described your husband, your relationship, and yourself it seems like the issues here run deeper then what's happened in the last few months and what we're seeing now is the manifestation of a relationship that seems to have had fundamental challenges from the very begining although, I would not go as far as some folks as to make assumptions as to whether or not your hubby loved you. I'm starting to think neither one of you was ready to get married when you did and now all of that is coming to a head 15 years into the marriage. Most of your posts make it sound like he's dissatisfied in the marraige, but deep down, I don't think you're happy there either and probably haven't been long before this behavior started. I guess what I'm wondering OP, is if you are truly being honest with yourself about what's really going on in your marriage, why you really married him, what your real motivations are for staying with him for all these years (and kids) and why you're there now, your level of real committment to the relationship. etc.

Don't mean to be blunt, but that's what's going through my mind with the understanding that I could be completely wrong and off base.

 

[tatiana]

I believe he taking it into consideration. He has said it jokingly, but I believe he is interested in doing it. He did it on a very small time scale as a teenager, however stopped because I made it clear that we would not be together if he did that. He grew up in under a devout Seventh Day Adventist mother who does NOT approve of those things (she was also like a second mom to this drug dealer friend of his too back home).

He wanted to be a cop either for the sake of "talk" or maybe it sounds good, but there is a side of him that loves the whole "bad boy" lifestyle...he has for the most part till now played it safe though.

I am beginning to think your DH is doing something illegal. Forget what you see in tv, movies, and hear in songs. If he is selling drugs he will act very similar to a male that is having an affair. His refusal to work nights, gone for certain periods of time, not returning phone calls, friends with drug dealers, has a history in drug dealing and remember you wrote this an earlier post "It's going to be tricky finding out if he's cheating though...I believe he deletes stuff off the phone. I've only ever seen texts from the dudes at his work".

That is a lot of male friends (dudes from work and his drug dealing friends), don't you think? Have you met these dudes from work or is this what he told you? I mean most guys I know are not that chatty with their male co-workers.

Have you read these texts? Did they make sense to you? maybe you should start reading them.

I am not saying he is or is not having an affair but he is doing something secretive and disrespectful to the marriage.

I would snoop around his motorcycle -- it has compartments does it not? I would have gone through the closets and his stuff.

 

[jada1111]

I am beginning to think your DH is doing something illegal. Forget what you see in tv, movies, and hear in songs. If he is selling drugs he will act very similar to a male that is having an affair. His refusal to work nights, gone for certain periods of time, not returning phone calls, friends with drug dealers, has a history in drug dealing and remember you wrote this an earlier post "It's going to be tricky finding out if he's cheating though...I believe he deletes stuff off the phone. I've only ever seen texts from the dudes at his work".

That is a lot of male friends (dudes from work and his drug dealing friends), don't you think? Have you met these dudes from work or is this what he told you? I mean most guys I know are not that chatty with their male co-workers.

Have you read these texts? Did they make sense to you? maybe you should start reading them.

I am not saying he is or is not having an affair but he is doing something secretive and disrespectful to the marriage.

I would snoop around his motorcycle -- it has compartments does it not? I would have gone through the closets and his stuff.

Girl careful, somebody might call you "presumptuous" if you deviate from the consensus of the thread that he's cheating. *rolls eyes*

Good catch with that though.

 

[FoxxyLocs]

Wow jada, u sure did jump to a lot of conclusions. Are you married? (just wondering) Either way, whether he loved her or not, and whether he wanted his children or not, she is his wife, and the children are here. He needs to grow up.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

im not the OP but I know if I was in her situation the lack of financial resources and level of my schooling would be the primary reason why I would stay. I would feel trapped....and even moreso with 4 small children.

OP I didn't mean to imply that you're being intentionally vague or unclear at all, but as I mentioned in a previous post it seems like the info comes in dribble drabbles and each new piece of info brings a whole other layer to the situation. Maybe that's just the nature of having these conversations online.

Honestly, I can't put my finger on it, other then to say based on how you've described your husband, your relationship, and yourself it seems like the issues here run deeper then what's happened in the last few months and what we're seeing now is the manifestation of a relationship that seems to have had fundamental challenges from the very begining although, I would not go as far as some folks as to make assumptions as to whether or not your hubby loved you. I'm starting to think neither one of you was ready to get married when you did and now all of that is coming to a head 15 years into the marriage. Most of your posts make it sound like he's dissatisfied in the marraige, but deep down, I don't think you're happy there either and probably haven't been long before this behavior started. I guess what I'm wondering OP, is if you are truly being honest with yourself about what's really going on in your marriage, why you really married him, what your real motivations are for staying with him for all these years (and kids) and why you're there now, your level of real committment to the relationship. etc.

Don't mean to be blunt, but that's what's going through my mind with the understanding that I could be completely wrong and off base.

 

[jada1111]

Wow jada, u sure did jump to a lot of conclusions. Are you married? (just wondering) Either way, whether he loved her or not, and whether he wanted his children or not, she is his wife, and the children are here. He needs to grow up.

No, I'm not married and the "conclusions" I'm jumping too came from the OP's posts not something I made up from nowhere. Just like everyone else jumped to a whole bunch of "conclusions" as well.

Truth be told, EVERYONE up in here knows just about as much I do - which is only what the OP posted and we ALL deduce from those posts whatever makes sense to each OBSERVER reading them.

I don't think the OP is evil or a bad person, but she needs to handle her FINANCIAL business cause her husband doesn't want to deal with it by himself any longer. She's the one that will probably get full custody of the kids (cause I sure as hell don't see HIM trying to), so SHE needs to do what's necessary for her children's sake.

Folks were saying he was cheating from her very first post. I didn't read the rest of what she said until much later, but I thought those peeps "presuming" he was cheating on her was talking crazy. They weren't. Now, Tati comes with a scenario that he might not be cheating, but dealing drugs. This was something SHE deduced from OP's posts,

See? We all see something different when we read them. If he was IN LOVE with her great, but it's obvious he's not feeling it as strongly as he once did whether he's cheating or selling dope.

 

[shinyblackhair]

I am beginning to think your DH is doing something illegal. Forget what you see in tv, movies, and hear in songs. If he is selling drugs he will act very similar to a male that is having an affair. His refusal to work nights, gone for certain periods of time, not returning phone calls, friends with drug dealers, has a history in drug dealing and remember you wrote this an earlier post "It's going to be tricky finding out if he's cheating though...I believe he deletes stuff off the phone. I've only ever seen texts from the dudes at his work".


That is a lot of male friends (dudes from work and his drug dealing friends), don't you think? Have you met these dudes from work or is this what he told you? I mean most guys I know are not that chatty with their male co-workers.

Have you read these texts? Did they make sense to you? maybe you should start reading them.

I am not saying he is or is not having an affair but he is doing something secretive and disrespectful to the marriage.

I would snoop around his motorcycle -- it has compartments does it not? I would have gone through the closets and his stuff.

Girl! You and me both believe he's doing something illegal! It seems to look that way within the last 24 hours. It kinda makes more sense then the cheating because he loves money. Especially how his dealer friend just showed up like that yesterday.

Today he came in from work today and spent a little time with the kids (my son, actually) and then showered up and bounced. He didn't even eat (yes, I cooked today with my slightly hungover self, lol). Strange considering when he first came in he made a big show of taking out the leftovers (that he cooked the other night) out of the fridge like he was going to heat it up, but since I was in the kitchen cooking he didn't bother. Guess, he lost his apetite.

Before he left he said something like "later" or whatever to me... I couldn't help myself and I shouted out to him if he was going to check his side-ho and he goes "yeah" in a sarcastic tone - but who knows maybe he will be, lol. He was in the bathroom a looong time too shaving away...prob shaving the balls again.

I have read the texts from guys at work...they seem pretty straightforward like hey are coming over tonight guys night and stuff like that. But now I'm sitting here wondering if he's supplying these white dudes with stuff or possibly positioning himself to do so. I don't it sounds kinda far fetched that would be so risky but, ya never know. Anyhow, he just came back for some unknown reason and then left again. I was watching him through the window and noticed he got a call on the cell phone. I came outside and asked him what he's doing...he said he's just riding around. I guess I really am an f-ing idiot if he thinks I believe that.

I know I said I was going to play good wifey and try and hang in there till I get to where I need to be independence-wise, but I am slowly coming to a boil and I feel like confronting him. It will prob cause a huge fight and NOT end well. Plus the kids are here and I don't want to expose them to yet another argument...I feel like giving him an ultamatum and saying he better let me know the deal or I'm taking the kids to my mothers...but I would really have to do it. He can then see how it would be to be in this house alone. He's not valuing this relationship or the family. He is up to no good. If he isn't up to no good, he's not doing a damn thing to at least show other-wise.

I don't want to act out in anger, but I truly don't trust myself right now...what should I do??? Stick with my original plan or should I confront him. I realize he feels he's "single" and doesn't have to answer to me, so maybe me demanding to know his business will just result in me looking like more of a weak loser that has nothing going on for herself. Trust me I wish I could be cold like him and just turn it off. Damn, I don't even think I love the dude anymore, but I'm starting to feel royally pissed at him for playing me for a damn fool....ugh

 

[HappilyLiberal]

I appreciate your levelheadness and you make good points but at the end of the day there is just no excuse for his behavior. I don't care how resentful he is, there is never an excuse to abuse your wife. Ever. If he is so done with their situation, then he needs to talk to her about an exit plan.

I also find your parents situation intersting, but not everyone would feel the same as your mom about that situation. My experience is a little different, but very early in my dating life I was with a guy who tried to mold and shape me into being the person he wanted me to be. I hated it and eventually we broke up. A few years after that I ran into him and he saw that I was doing well for myself and he had the audacity to say I probably wouldn't be where I was had it not been for him. Please! If anything I would have been in an even better place in my life if I had not wasted one iota of time on his sorry arse!

Now we don't know the truth about what's going on in this marriage because we're only hearing one side of the story. But what concerns me about your posts is I hear you excusing pretty abysmal behavior and not to get too personal, I wonder if that's because you grew up in a situation where your dad was openly resentful of your mother. I'm sorry you had to live through that, and I'm glad your mom has made the best of it, but I wonder if your perception of what's acceptable behavior in a relationship is skewed because of your childhood experiences.

ambergirl...

I think the OP and the person you responded to with this post are two different people.

 

[shinyblackhair]

We don't know the divorce law in the province she is living in...but that is not necessarily the case in the US. I lived in Ohio. Was divorced and during the marriage was a SAHM approx. 65% of the marriage. There were periods when I worked for a state agency. I had benefits and all. Not only did the judge award me alimony...but he also ordered that my exH refinance the house and pay me a certain percentage for the equity I had paid inot the home when I was working because we were putting all of our salary into one "pot". (and this was a house he already owned before we married). So...the judge ordered 1 year of alimony for every 3 years of marriage. And, we only had two children.

For my divorce it came down to one thing....I had a damn good attorney who did an outstanding job at highlighting how much of a jerk my abusive husband had been during our marriage and how much of a jerk he was "financially" once I finally left him. The concensus in the courtroom was that this dude OWED ME money. There wasn't any cheating...but the financial, verbal and physical abuse was enough to convince the judge that regardless of whether I had worked a few years or not, this situation needed to be made right.

Now, it could have gone a totally different way had I not had a really good attorney. Oh, and the judge ordered that he pay my legal fees plus all outstanding medical bills for the children. But, it was that attorney who made the difference for me in my divorce.

OH! And, btw...I left him when I was a SAHM got a job immediately and worked for 2 years before I even filed for divorce. FULL TIME with benefits. That was not counted against me when the consideration of alimony came up. I will say that during the 2 year separation, exH tried two things a) to wait it out and withhold his hand financially to see if I would fold and come back...he was couting on me being weak. and b) begged me to come back and tried showering us with gifts from time to time....but where he messed up was, he didn't financially support the children for the most part during the entire separation and I could prove it. So, he had no mitigating circumstance to offset the damage done during the marriage.

I'm not even done reading this thread, but Shinyblackhair, I cannot stress enough how VITAL a good attorney is going to be to you. A good attorney will be invaluable. Do not SLEEP on this detail. Even if you do not know what you are going to do...you still need to be shopping attys. And, you need to be looking at getting the initial retainer and filing fee socked away so you are ready if you need to hire. The subsequent court costs and charges will be thrown in his lap and he will be ordered to pay them. But that initial retainer you need to pull together asap.

I know a dude whose wife put him through law school. One year after he passed the bar, he started cheating and had an outside baby. Next thing you know he's moved out and files. He convinced her that he only wants the best for their FOUR children regardless and that he would take care of the divorce paperwork as long as they could agree on all the terms it would be easier....well, she didn't hire her own atty and went the "mediation" non-contested route....she didn't get a DIME and he left her with bills and he arragned shared custody of the four kids so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.

Whoever said divorce is war is right. It is NOT a time to do the "teamwork" thing. If the teamwork thing was working, y'all wouldn't be in this situation now. The trust is gone. Time to fight.

Wow wow wow...thank you so much...where did you and the kids live during your separation period?

 

[shinyblackhair]

Regarding the whole did he ever love me debate: I believe he *did* love me. I loved him too. I admired him for his maturity (seemingly) at that age and how he took care of me. I did rely on him in a lot of ways. It's true. But he was into it to. But that was then and now over time I realize that things change. I know he is not the same person he once was. He is showing me different aspects of himself with each passing day. It's like he's getting "wilder" so to speak and I'm getting "tamer" lol...But yes, I believe he did love me, dare I say maybe even more than I loved him at that time long ago. I met him sometime in the middle of 10th grade. I would have been 16. We got married before I even graduated high school when I was 18. Looking back...it's just pure craziness...no wonder...we are just two different people now. I miss those good old days when it was me and him and things were sooo good. I miss the way he used to be. He is not the same anymore.

 

[shinyblackhair]

I've been at this thread since 8am this morning, and just got to the end (I'm at work people, I don't read that slow).

LOL...I've provided quite a bit of dramatic reading material over the last couple of day, haven't I? I'm appreciative of everyone who's taken the time to read and respond. I really am.

 

[MissYocairis]

Wow wow wow...thank you so much...where did you and the kids live during your separation period?

We moved in with my mother. I was blessed that I had found a permanent position almost immediately that ended up being a great job with great benefits....God was walking with me every step of that journey. So, that job made it possible for me to rent a house of my own within six months of leaving my ex. I left with nothing. I left all of our furniture. My car (because we shared it and I was not allowed to drive his so he had it the day I left). I left most of our personal belongings. I built it all over again from scratch. So, it can be done. I didn't want to live with mama...but I had to think about my life and my babies lives and that was the situation I was facing at the time. Anyway, it all worked out and I made out like a lottery winner in the divorce settlement. I was literally given HALF of everything he had.

 

[ambergirl]

ambergirl...

I think the OP and the person you responded to with this post are two different people.

Thanks Happily. I know they're different people and I was addressing different things that had been said. But I admit, this whole situation is confusing to me.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Wonderful testimony ~Charlotte~ with a very happy ending

 

[jada1111]

Regarding the whole did he ever love me debate: I believe he *did* love me. I loved him too. I admired him for his maturity (seemingly) at that age and how he took care of me. I did rely on him in a lot of ways. It's true. But he was into it to. But that was then and now over time I realize that things change. I know he is not the same person he once was. He is showing me different aspects of himself with each passing day. It's like he's getting "wilder" so to speak and I'm getting "tamer" lol...But yes, I believe he did love me, dare I say maybe even more than I loved him at that time long ago. I met him sometime in the middle of 10th grade. I would have been 16. We got married before I even graduated high school when I was 18. Looking back...it's just pure craziness...no wonder...we are just two different people now. I miss those good old days when it was me and him and things were sooo good. I miss the way he used to be. He is not the same anymore.

Good. It really is time to get your finances together though. Canada has a good social service system which actually HELPS women with children (the anti-thesis of the garbage we have in the US). Whether you can get money or not from your husband, you WILL be able to bounce back with a quickness. You have family that will help you too which is more than many other women in your situation have.

You'll be fine, once you get rid of the dead weight that is messin' with your emotions.

 

[MissYocairis]

Wonderful testimony ~Charlotte~ with a very happy ending

Thanks ~~HoneyComb~~

I just want OP to know that 1) her work outside the home during the marriage doesn't necessarily mean she will not be awarded alimony 2) she should find a good attorney who HATES fathers and husbands who are jerks and find the money to retain him asap and 3) do not worry about having to be in a transitory state (living with mom) for a while...that will only be temporary plus the courts generally will award TEMPORARY child support right away when the divorcing couple have children...they don't wait until the decree is final. She can begin to build a new life if she has a level head and a focus on making life for her babies stable and happy.

 

[shinyblackhair]

We moved in with my mother. I was blessed that I had found a permanent position almost immediately that ended up being a great job with great benefits....God was walking with me every step of that journey. So, that job made it possible for me to rent a house of my own within six months of leaving my ex. I left with nothing. I left all of our furniture. My car (because we shared it and I was not allowed to drive his so he had it the day I left). I left most of our personal belongings. I built it all over again from scratch. So, it can be done. I didn't want to live with mama...but I had to think about my life and my babies lives and that was the situation I was facing at the time. Anyway, it all worked out and I made out like a lottery winner in the divorce settlement. I was literally given HALF of everything he had.

That is fabulous and really gives me hope! I am beginning to believe that if I have to do it I will. Like I said, my mother is coming to see me on Monday so I may bring it up to her then.

 

[MissYocairis]

That is fabulous and really gives me hope! I am beginning to believe that if I have to do it I will. Like I said, my mother is coming to see me on Monday so I may bring it up to her then.

Shiny, , no matter what happens...if it seems he's going to try and do better or make some changes...just keep these concepts in the back of your mind...be familiar with the notion that IF you need to, you can WIN at this thing and you DO have options and that you know how to handle it IF NEED BE. I would definitely share this with your mom so she is aware and at the ready. Also, I had wonderful people in my life who helped me financially if and when it was needed and you you probably do not realize how God will make a way right at this moment, but He will when you rely on Him. I know you haven't made any decisions and a lot of this is confusing but follow your gut and keep the security of yourself and your children first and foremost in your mind. We are all pulling for you.

 

[Ladybelle]

Thanks ~~HoneyComb~~

I just want OP to know that 1) her work outside the home during the marriage doesn't necessarily mean she will not be awarded alimony 2) she should find a good attorney who HATES fathers and husbands who are jerks and find the money to retain him asap and 3) do not worry about having to be in a transitory state (living with mom) for a while...that will only be temporary plus the courts generally will award TEMPORARY child support right away when the divorcing couple have children...they don't wait until the decree is final. She can begin to build a new life if she has a level head and a focus on making life for her babies stable and happy.

PREACH! I think I need to pm you.

?...... sometimes men are abusive. How can this not add up?

For real.You can say that again. I mean, I don't care if she walked around the house with rollers in her hair and a green face mask on 24/7- what right does he have to treat his wife like that??? It's not right, period. the end.

We don't know the divorce law in the province she is living in...but that is not necessarily the case in the US. I lived in Ohio. Was divorced and during the marriage was a SAHM approx. 65% of the marriage. There were periods when I worked for a state agency. I had benefits and all. Not only did the judge award me alimony...but he also ordered that my exH refinance the house and pay me a certain percentage for the equity I had paid inot the home when I was working because we were putting all of our salary into one "pot". (and this was a house he already owned before we married). So...the judge ordered 1 year of alimony for every 3 years of marriage. And, we only had two children.

For my divorce it came down to one thing....I had a damn good attorney who did an outstanding job at highlighting how much of a jerk my abusive husband had been during our marriage and how much of a jerk he was "financially" once I finally left him. The concensus in the courtroom was that this dude OWED ME money. There wasn't any cheating...but the financial, verbal and physical abuse was enough to convince the judge that regardless of whether I had worked a few years or not, this situation needed to be made right.

Now, it could have gone a totally different way had I not had a really good attorney. Oh, and the judge ordered that he pay my legal fees plus all outstanding medical bills for the children. But, it was that attorney who made the difference for me in my divorce.

OH! And, btw...I left him when I was a SAHM got a job immediately and worked for 2 years before I even filed for divorce. FULL TIME with benefits. That was not counted against me when the consideration of alimony came up. I will say that during the 2 year separation, exH tried two things a) to wait it out and withhold his hand financially to see if I would fold and come back...he was couting on me being weak. and b) begged me to come back and tried showering us with gifts from time to time....but where he messed up was, he didn't financially support the children for the most part during the entire separation and I could prove it. So, he had no mitigating circumstance to offset the damage done during the marriage.

I'm not even done reading this thread, but Shinyblackhair, I cannot stress enough how VITAL a good attorney is going to be to you. A good attorney will be invaluable. Do not SLEEP on this detail. Even if you do not know what you are going to do...you still need to be shopping attys. And, you need to be looking at getting the initial retainer and filing fee socked away so you are ready if you need to hire. The subsequent court costs and charges will be thrown in his lap and he will be ordered to pay them. But that initial retainer you need to pull together asap.

I know a dude whose wife put him through law school. One year after he passed the bar, he started cheating and had an outside baby. Next thing you know he's moved out and files. He convinced her that he only wants the best for their FOUR children regardless and that he would take care of the divorce paperwork as long as they could agree on all the terms it would be easier....well, she didn't hire her own atty and went the "mediation" non-contested route....she didn't get a DIME and he left her with bills and he arragned shared custody of the four kids so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.

Whoever said divorce is war is right. It is NOT a time to do the "teamwork" thing. If the teamwork thing was working, y'all wouldn't be in this situation now. The trust is gone. Time to fight.

I said that & I'm not even divorced yet,lol! But, seriously- now I KNOW I need to pm you. You have become my inspiration.

 

[MayaB12]

1 US dollar = 1.03529957 Canadian dollars

basically on par with each other.

Is his take home pay from that $26 is probably - $20 -Canadian income tax is the debil....

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Charlotte York - I have read your TESTIMONY and I just want to tell you THANK YOU, as You have been such an inspiration to so many women on this board, who are probably going through the same situation that you have been through.

I wish OP the best as I am confident that she & her children will be Ok. She just need guidance and a lot of support and its hard when you do not have anyone else to turn to or where to begin.

Sent from Droid X.

 

[shinyblackhair]

Hey everyone

Well I couldn't sleep. My hsuband was downstair on the couch watching tv. I came downstair and just asked him straight up what the deal is. What's happening...at first he didn't want to talk, he was avoiding me and just looking at the tv. I turned the tv off and basically told him that we have to talk this out.

I asked him if he was cheating and he said no. I asked him what is the issue and he said basically in a nutshell he is depressed, he's not happy in this relationship. He's not happy with me. He wants out. He says he takes his time to come home after work because he doesn't want to be here. I nag. I'm not independent. I don't drive. I don't work. I rely on him for everything and he is tired of it. He said I need to start figuring things out for myself. He said he isn't seeing someone, but feel like he may want to. He said if we split up and he finds someone else he will make sure they can drive and get themselves around. It hurt to hear all these things. We weren't fighting - I was just listening and let him have his say. It really hurt to hear these things from him. But I know it's all true. I am not an attractive person (I'm not talking physical here). I am not a "catch" so to speak. he mentioned the fact that my neighbour friends asked me to watch their kids before and after school (my friend is in college now) becasue they KNOW I'm here and am not doing anything with myself. I asked him if I got my licence and a job would things be different and he said he didn't know. He mentioned that he's thought many times about leaving the house and just paying the mortgage and him renting a room somewhere. I'm feeling so devestated right now, but am realizing now more than ever how i have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I apologized to him and basically that was that. He has gone to bed and I can't sleep.

eta: he also said that I don't have the school option because he isn't going to pay for that. I have to figure that out on my own. He says I don't have 2 years to go to school. Not even 1 month, he says. I wonder if he's going to re-neg on the driving school too.

 

[Honey Bee]

Wow. It's especially messed up that he took back the school option.

I personally don't have any advice, but after this thread, I'm sure you know what to do. I wish you the best, sweetie.


eta: a lot of people were on point (go LHCF!), but especially Charlotte York and Lady P. Oh, and whoever said to consult with as many excellent lawyers as possible, to make them legally unable to take his case (and to get lots of free advice). That seemed smart. And, again, I'm so sorry about all this. If you were my homegirl, I would be feeding you ice cream and giving you (((hugs))).

eta: ... while simultaneously scheming on how to get that paper I really want you to financially impede his plan to relive his youth. I am totally disgusted by him and the choice he's making, and that's no offense to you. Okay, I'm done.

 

[NAPPYCHICK86]

Hey everyone

Well I couldn't sleep. My hsuband was downstair on the couch watching tv. I came downstair and just asked him straight up what the deal is. What's happening...at first he didn't want to talk, he was avoiding me and just looking at the tv. I turned the tv off and basically told him that we have to talk this out.

I asked him if he was cheating and he said no. I asked him what is the issue and he said basically in a nutshell he is depressed, he's not happy in this relationship. He's not happy with me. He wants out. He says he takes his time to come home after work because he doesn't want to be here. I nag. I'm not independent. I don't drive. I don't work. I rely on him for everything and he is tired of it. He said I need to start figuring things out for myself. He said he isn't seeing someone, but feel like he may want to. He said if we split up and he finds someone else he will make sure they can drive and get themselves around. It hurt to hear all these things. We weren't fighting - I was just listening and let him have his say. It really hurt to hear these things from him. But I know it's all true. I am not an attractive person (I'm not talking physical here). I am not a "catch" so to speak. he mentioned the fact that my neighbour friends asked me to watch their kids before and after school (my friend is in college now) becasue they KNOW I'm here and am not doing anything with myself. I asked him if I got my licence and a job would things be different and he said he didn't know. He mentioned that he's thought many times about leaving the house and just paying the mortgage and him renting a room somewhere. I'm feeling so devestated right now, but am realizing now more than ever how i have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage. I apologized to him and basically that was that. He has gone to bed and I can't sleep.

eta: he also said that I don't have the school option because he isn't going to pay for that. I have to figure that out on my own. He says I don't have 2 years to go to school. Not even 1 month, he says. I wonder if he's going to re-neg on the driving school too.

so sorry OP. I hope you learn a valuable lesson from all this. Get your own hun. Get you license and a job and a kickass lawyer to milk your husband for everything he has. Dont even ask him about school anymore. Do what you gotta do to succeed WITHOUT depending on him. Because he gon pay in the end regardless!

 

[shinyblackhair]

Aww...thanks honey bee