My husband may have a son by someone else.

[DragonPearl]

how does he have back child support if he never had a CS order since he did not know he was the father?

Oh, he can still be required to pay CS. There have been precedents where the man had to pay back CS for children he didn't know he had. Hopefully, since she didn't tell him about it 20 years ago, she'll have the decency to not file for back CS.

 

[SelahOco]

Dear heart...I'm so sorry this happened. I thank god that your husband did not cheat on you, which was my fear when I opened this thread.

What happened was a foolish mistake from the past. You deseverve whatever time you need to wrap your mind around this and process the emotion. If you've been with this man for 20 years, I trust that he's a good man and you're a good woman -- which means you will be able to come to a logical place with this eventually.

This is the woman's fault, but remember...she was a "girl" when she made this decision not to tell. You three can accept and love this young man. He will need ALL of you. And your children will accept him 100% in time. The only way you'd have problems was if your husband cheated, then the kids would be furious with him (especially the boys).

But I think you will be fine. How's your husband holding up? How did the young man seem to be dealing?

 

[ThickHair]

Wow.

I'd introduce him to your children as their older half-brother. Explain that their father dated/sexed before meeting up with you, and that this child was a result of a previous relationship and...... wait, how old are your kids? That would make a difference.

Okay then - I'd just tell em straight.

This is your older half-brother, born before me & your dad met, and for some reason, his mother didn't tell your father about him until just now......

I so hate the term half sibling, it is their brother and be done with it. The kids know they don't share a set of parents.

I think he could get back child support. Not sure.

In Pennsylvania you can't. The case goes from the point in time that you file forward.

If you want Public Assistance in PA you do have to sue the other parent and whatever money Welfare pays while the other parent is MIA, they must pay it back or they will go to jail. Pennsylvania is no joke.

 

[mscocoface]

You have been given some wonderful, sound and safe advice.

I would be on the watch for all the children and see how they are all responding to this for the next 6 months to a year.

If counselling is needed please use it. Also, anytime you need to talk or run something by us you know we will give your our opinion.

Much love and patience to all of you during this time.

I am praying for all of you including the possible new son.

 

[kurlybella]

you sound like a beautiful person in the first place. this thread could have been called i just dumped my husband because...

i think you are just trying to get your mind straight and i commend you for that and if i were near you i would hug you.

i think the things to remember is his son, if it is his son, as well as your children but esp his son, is the INNOCENT party in this whole situation.

also, his mother, like someone else mentioned, was probably a CHILD and when this happened and made the decision to do this to her child.

who are we to judge? i cast no stones. what's done has been done and the best thing to do is to move on with your family, being the maternal leader that they need and embrace your husband's son as you would want someone to do you if you were in this child's position.

we cannot control who we are born to, nor what happens to us as children.

i have faith that you will handle this situation well and believe that you want what is best for everyone involved.

my heart goes out to you.

 

[HealthyHair2007]

What she did is completely wrong if it's his son, but there isn't really anything anyone can do about it now. If it's his son, I guess it's time to do some catching up and move forward. However, I'd have some choice words for her......

 

[getmoore]

Thanks again Ladies. We are taking this minute by minute. My hubby is better today but when he first found out he CRIED. I've only seen him cry twice before in 20 years! The young man acts very shy just like my boys! He seemed so happy to see that he could possibly have found his father. Thursday is just too far away.I think he's his though. I told my husband from the beginning that if the young man is his then he's mine too.

 

[JFemme]

Thanks again Ladies. We are taking this minute by minute. My hubby is better today but when he first found out he CRIED. I've only seen him cry twice before in 20 years! The young man acts very shy just like my boys! He seemed so happy to see that he could possibly have found his father. Thursday is just too far away.I think he's his though. I told my husband from the beginning that if the young man is his then he's mine too.

Welp, that made me tear up...

{{hugs, to you and hubby}}

 

[exoticmommie]

I have nothing to add, except

((HUGS))

and you guys sound like a wonderful couple.

 

[JustKiya]

I so hate the term half sibling, it is their brother and be done with it. The kids know they don't share a set of parents.

Ah, that's a good point. Didn't mean anything by it - do people generally have issues with the term half-sibling? Interesting.

 

[Country gal]

Getmore- can you please explain how this came about?

 

[ThickHair]

Ah, that's a good point. Didn't mean anything by it - do people generally have issues with the term half-sibling? Interesting.

I sorta do. I have two siblings and I only share a father with one of them. My oldest sister wasn't my fathers. I never knew what a half sibling was until I was 18, seriously. My sister was my sister and that was it. I had mentioned to someone that my sister was going to visit her dad and they said, "oh I didn't know x was your half sister". I was like "what, she is my sister what are you talking about half sister". I associated half with being a step sister I later realized. I called my mom and ask her what was a half sister. She explained and I said, "well that is stupid, why go through all that, she is my sister". There was no talking half in our family, our parents were our parents, our grandparents were our grandparents all around. I never realized I had more grandparents then most folks until after age 18 when it was all worked out.

 

[krikit96]

I think it's the MOTHERS who generally have a problem with it. Like, to make sure it is known that it isn't THEIR child, but that's just MY take on it.

I know my mom has 7 brothers and sisters and only 3 of them out of the 8 have the same parents... but they call each other brother and sister because they grew up together.

Now, she recently (last 15 years) met another set of sibllings she has from her fathers side of the family, and although she is close with ONE of them, she considers all of THOSE siblings half brothers and sisters.

 

[MeccaMedinah]

Welp, that made me tear up...

{{hugs, to you and hubby}}

Me too.
You are a beautiful woman GetMoore.

 

[JustKiya]

I sorta do. I have two siblings and I only share a father with one of them. My oldest sister wasn't my fathers. I never knew what a half sibling was until I was 18, seriously. My sister was my sister and that was it. I had mentioned to someone that my sister was going to visit her dad and they said, "oh I didn't know x was your half sister". I was like "what, she is my sister what are you talking about half sister". I associated half with being a step sister I later realized. I called my mom and ask her what was a half sister. She explained and I said, "well that is stupid, why go through all that, she is my sister". There was no talking half in our family, our parents were our parents, our grandparents were our grandparents all around. I never realized I had more grandparents then most folks until after age 18 when it was all worked out.

I think it's the MOTHERS who generally have a problem with it. Like, to make sure it is known that it isn't THEIR child, but that's just MY take on it.

I know my mom has 7 brothers and sisters and only 3 of them out of the 8 have the same parents... but they call each other brother and sister because they grew up together.

Now, she recently (last 15 years) met another set of sibllings she has from her fathers side of the family, and although she is close with ONE of them, she considers all of THOSE siblings half brothers and sisters.

Okay, that makes sense. If I had grown up with my halfsister, I might consider her just 'my sister'. But - in our lives - we aren't sisters, we just share a father.

Thanks to both of you!

 

[Country gal]

My mother was the one to tell me not to call my sister, half. She said she is just your sister period. I do the same with my son and his father's other children.

 

[MeccaMedinah]

Ah, that's a good point. Didn't mean anything by it - do people generally have issues with the term half-sibling? Interesting.

I have 3 brothers; the eldest is my 'half brother' but I do not refer to him as anything other than my brother.
My children now have a baby sister and I teach them that she is their sister not 'half sister', I am unsure that they have heard the term 'half-sister'.

 

[ThickHair]

Okay, that makes sense. If I had grown up with my halfsister, I might consider her just 'my sister'. But - in our lives - we aren't sisters, we just share a father.

Thanks to both of you!

I remember when my sister went to visit her dad and his wife one time, he lived out of state, he told my mom that she could send my brother and I if she wanted too. Well, Daddy was like thanks bro but no thanks. My sister was her father's only kid. It didn't make my sister no nevermind, but her father never ask again. LMBO imagining my Dad's face.

My sister called our father, Daddy and her father and his wife by their first names, but his wife called my sister her daughter.

Man, we were truly blessed.

 

[ThickHair]

I have 3 brothers; the eldest is my 'half brother' but I do not refer to him as anything other than my brother.
My children now have a baby sister and I teach them that she is their sister not 'half sister', I am unsure that they have heard the term 'half-sister'.

See, that term was never used in our household so that is why it was a WTH type moment for someone to say that to me. It was like they cursed my sister.

Oh and I feel the same way about the media always pointing out that such and such is superstar x's adopted child. Well duh, that is their kid, that is superstar x's child, why must you say adopted. Angelina Jolie's kids Shiloh, twins Knox and Viv and her adopted kids Mad, Z and Pax. Why can't it just be Angelina's kids, Shiloh, Knox, Viv, Mad, Z and Pax?

 

[*KP*]

Ah, that's a good point. Didn't mean anything by it - do people generally have issues with the term half-sibling? Interesting.

I think it depends on if you grew up together or were raised together. If you were raised in the same household, there is no need to be talking about 'half'

 

[krikit96]

I think he could get back child support. Not sure.

Okay, if the child is over 18 then they can't get child support. Period. At least in the state of Maryland. My parents divorced when I was 18. I had 2 sisters, 8 and 6. I was enrolled full time in college. The rule is, you must apply BEFORE the child is 18 and then they can receive until they are 21 or out of school. So I missed out on that one... woulda really helped me to finish school ON TIME because the parents were acting like children and I had to be the grown up referee...

So I was 18 and in school full time but was ineligible. You can't get Back child support anyway unless you filed for it. Now had she filed for child support back when he was 10 or something like THAT, she could get child support from age 10 up to 18. That is how it works here in the family court system.

 

[caltron]

Okay, that makes sense. If I had grown up with my halfsister, I might consider her just 'my sister'. But - in our lives - we aren't sisters, we just share a father.

Thanks to both of you!

My dh hates the term as well and I was pretty surprised when he got offended by it when he told me his eldest brother didn't share a father with him. When I use the term it's just about biology and not a statement about the personal relationships siblings may have with each other. It's just like "stepmother" or "adopted". 99% of the time it's unnecessary but there are times where it makes sense.

 

[ThickHair]

I just sent my sister an email telling her how blessed we were about our situation and this is how she responded. I also told her about this thread.

yes we are blessed you are a pain in my behind sometimes(LOL) but I never considered you 1/2 of a sister we just have different fathers is the way I have always looked at it but I have encountered some mean stuff in the past but it all works out for my good send me that web site I would like to read some of what they are saying I bet it is a trip now that there are White and black siblings how do you handle that ??

ETA: My sister is not big on punctuation in emails. LOL

 

[JustKiya]

My dh hates the term as well and I was pretty surprised when he got offended by it when he told me his eldest brother didn't share a father with him. When I use the term it's just about biology and not a statement about the personal relationships siblings may have with each other. It's just like "stepmother" or "adopted". 99% of the time it's unnecessary but there are times where it makes sense.

Yeah - I'll have to be more careful with it going forward, as I never considered someone might find it offensive/a putdown. I've been schooled to the whole 'adopted/adoptive' thing - what's the deal with stepmother/stepfather?

I also think it depends on the age. If that man has been married to your mom since you were 1, calling him your stepfather is kinda - erplexed. But if you are 21, and your mom just got married - I would think the relationship would make 'stepfather' a more reasonable role than 'father'. Same with siblings - if you lived in the same house (mom that got married when you were one had a child when you were 2 with your 'stepfather') - that's your sister/brother - full stop. Father left when you were 1 year old, and had a child 3 years later with another woman you didn't know about until you were 18 - half-sib.

 

[SugarBaby]

Every time I pass by the title in the thread page...My heart drops a little...

Just want to say I am so Sorry to hear about any hurt or pain this may have caused you.

 

[Mortons]

Ah, that's a good point. Didn't mean anything by it - do people generally have issues with the term half-sibling? Interesting.

The term is useless to me. Someone is either your sister/brother or not. It seems unnecessary to preface a sibling relationship with half/step/adopted.

 

[SweetAKA]

I have to agree with ThickHair. My sister and I share the same mother, my brother and I share the same father. We were all raised under the same roof. My brother came to stay with us permanently when I was about 2 (he and my sister was about 10). Their families became my families. For years, I thought I truly had about 4 sets of grandparents. It wasn’t until I was out and someone asked me if I knew a lady and I said yea, she's my aunt. They then went on to explain to me that she really wasn’t related to me, just my sister. I didn’t care. For family get together, holidays, and just cook outs my sisters dad and wife was always there. Folks thought it was so strange that our families had mixed up the way it did. Her dad even showed up for my high school graduation, he was our photographer. My brother’s family was a little bit more distant, and he didn’t have a close relationship with them. But my sister's cousins became his cousins as well.

OP, I'm glad that you and your DH are accepting of this situation. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to hear the news the first time. But you two seem like you know how to handle this in a good way. I wish you the best.

 

[cookie1]

This is going to be very trying for the both of you. The main thing to do is pray, pray, pray. Remember, you weren't with him and he didn't cheat. The boy is a young man now so you probably won't have too many dealings with him. But, the hardest part for you may be them spending time. Your trust for him will be tested- just from normal insecurities. If you have faith in God and trust your husband you should be okay. Be sure to gently voice your opinions too because communication need to stay open and you shouldn't have to keep things bottled up because it's obviously affecting you too. Also remember that he's (hubby) is probably having a hard time also. Try not to feed into what everyone has to say and listen to what God is telling you. I'm praying for you!

 

[Allandra]

Thanks again Ladies. We are taking this minute by minute. My hubby is better today but when he first found out he CRIED. I've only seen him cry twice before in 20 years! The young man acts very shy just like my boys! He seemed so happy to see that he could possibly have found his father. Thursday is just too far away.I think he's his though. I told my husband from the beginning that if the young man is his then he's mine too.

You have a wonderful heart. It sounds like things will be ok (no matter what the results are).

 

[Transformer]

The situation may not be ideal for many, but I truly believe you and DH will handle things perfectly. I have to say this, I AM SO GLAD FOR THIS YOUNG MAN! Just think of the completeness it will provide in his life.

Advice: Don't try to "make-up" for 20 years financially. I would certainly provide and assist him financially but I wouldn't say buy him a car to "make up" if it's not your policy to purchase cars for your other kids. He would get the same deal as everyone.... 50/50 or whatever your rules are.

Don't forget to include him on the health insurance plan that will allow coverage until age....


Your situation is better than my sister's (officially half-sister but we've never used the term in our house). She has been married for 42 years and was INTRODUCED to her DH's 18 year old son last year. My sister is a minister.