Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

BrownBetty said:
Have you ever lost contact or cut off a friend(s) and miss them? Did you reach out? There are 2 women who's friendship I found myself missing.
Click to expand...
I have two. One woman from college. We were part of a trio until I had a falling out with one over something I'm still unclear over to this day 10+ years later.

The other woman was from law school. The friendship ended when she 1) made some insensitive remarks about people who have anxiety-depression, knowing full well I have anxiety-depression and was going through a difficult time at that point; and 2) she freaked out when she found out her ex was with someone new. She didn't like my answer when she asked me about pictures of her and her ex, and said I don't know what I'm talking about because at the time I had never been in a relationship before. I apologized even after she hurt my feelings. I actually saw her in passing a couple years ago when I was on a date with my now-SO.

I hope both women are doing well but I don't have any interest in rekindling a friendship with the woman from law school. With the woman from college, I'd have to hear a pretty good explanation as to why she fell back for me to consider being friends again.
 
Nights like tonight are so amazing to me. I'm home watching I Love Lucy with my favorite wine and some chocolate and I couldn't be happier. Never mind that I probably should be reading and doing a little bit of writing for school but whatever. Hope everyone else is having an amazing Saturday night!
 
I am realizing that I often put myself into a position of being the shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I don’t want that. I am definitely a listener and am fine with that. But I’m not sure what to do when people seem to take it too far.

Like, I feel that with one friend that she needs a therapist. I told her this today after trying to talk to her about something that pertained to me for once.

Her response was why does she need a therapist when she has me :confused: I don’t mind listening sometimes but really she’s starting to bring me down. I am relieved to be away from her. I feel very guilty to say that, but whew!

and this happens to me a lot. I know it’s my own fault but not sure what to do to prevent it.
 
I am realizing that I often put myself into a position of being the shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I don’t want that. I am definitely a listener and am fine with that. But I’m not sure what to do when people seem to take it too far.

Like, I feel that with one friend that she needs a therapist. I told her this today after trying to talk to her about something that pertained to me for once.

Her response was why does she need a therapist when she has me :confused: I don’t mind listening sometimes but really she’s starting to bring me down. I am relieved to be away from her. I feel very guilty to say that, but whew!

and this happens to me a lot. I know it’s my own fault but not sure what to do to prevent it.
 
@Leeda.the.Paladin
You don’t deserve to feel guilty about not being a therapist to a friend. 1) She isn’t paying you to be her therapist. 2) As her friend, even if you were a therapist, it would not be appropriate that you be her therapist.

Bottom line is it is not your job to counsel her. She has no right to dump on you like this. It’s your job to stand your ground, say no, say enough is enough, you are depressing me and I can’t help you anymore. It’s her job to find someone to help her. It’s her job to see a therapist or not. It really is not your problem or concern.

I would recommend two books:

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.

And Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
 
Im doing a lot better after surgery. A couple of my friends hit me up about 2 weeks after. I made a joke about them being raggedy.

They hit me up today to come over and I said no and blamed corona which is only half true. I feel a way that no one checked up on me the first two weeks. I’ve hosted their bday parties in my apt, they come to my house to do laundry, they randomly come over and have impromptu sleep overs...

That’s not something I do with associates. Am I wrong for not really wanting to deal with these ppl the same way?

I feel like maybe it’s me because only men checked on me outside of family. How come my favorite bartender can call me the day before and follow up after but people who I’ve cooked for and washed their drawers in my apt can’t?

This is why I’m never quick to trash talk black men because they are the ones who ALWAYS show up for me.
 
@shespoison, I'm glad you're doing well.

You have every right to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with expecting close friends to be there for you. They've shown you who they are. Now is your time to decide how you want to move forward with these two. If it were me, we could hang out occasionally, but that's it. No more sleepovers, no more using up my water for laundry and certainly no more birthday parties.
 
Last edited:
mrselle said:
@shespoison, I'm glad you're doing well.

You have every right to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with expecting close friends to be there for you. They've shown you who they are. Now is your time to decide how you want to move forward with these two. If it were me, we could hang out occasionally, but that's it. No more sleepovers, no more using up my water for laundry and certainly no more birthday parties.
Click to expand...


That’s how I’m feeling. It’s just sucks because it’s all the women I hang out with regularly. My birthday is at the end of the month and between the virus, my health and my new perspective of friendships...I am just going to sit in my apt and pretend it’s a regular day.
 
shespoison said:
They hit me up today to come over and I said no and blamed corona which is only half true. I feel a way that no one checked up on me the first two weeks. I’ve hosted their bday parties in my apt, they come to my house to do laundry, they randomly come over and have impromptu sleep overs...

That’s not something I do with associates. Am I wrong for not really wanting to deal with these ppl the same way?
Click to expand...

The description sounds like it could be associates to me - but of course I dont have the full story.

Why did you consider them friends before the surgery. Have they shown care towards you and kindness towards you before?

And no, its not wrong to adjust your behaviours towards them accordingly.
 
BonBon said:
The description sounds like it could be associates to me - but of course I dont have the full story.

Why did you consider them friends before the surgery. Have they shown care towards you and kindness towards you before?

And no, its not wrong to adjust your behaviours towards them accordingly.
Click to expand...

They are kind people in general. One more so than the other. They like being around me and are always making plans to spend time with me and invite me to ish I don’t even want to go to.
I’ve known one of them for over 10 years. We know all each other’s business and family. Spent most weekends together and still hung out during the week. When something went down we would call each other to vent or get advice. The energy was definitely not associates...I know because I have an abundance of those.

Now it just all seems fake or out of convenience. I’m not sad about it but I was shocked. They always had me out spending my money and now I can stay myself in the house with my money in the bank.
 
shespoison said:
They are kind people in general. One more so than the other. They like being around me and are always making plans to spend time with me and invite me to ish I don’t even want to go to.
I’ve known one of them for over 10 years. We know all each other’s business and family. Spent most weekends together and still hung out during the week. When something went down we would call each other to vent or get advice. The energy was definitely not associates...I know because I have an abundance of those.

Now it just all seems fake or out of convenience. I’m not sad about it but I was shocked. They always had me out spending my money and now I can stay myself in the house with my money in the bank.
Click to expand...

Now that you have time to reflect, can you think of any moments when they were there for you? Have they done nice things for you? What do they do for you on your birthday? When you need to vent do they listen and offer sound advice?
 
shespoison said:
They are kind people in general. One more so than the other. They like being around me and are always making plans to spend time with me and invite me to ish I don’t even want to go to.
I’ve known one of them for over 10 years. We know all each other’s business and family. Spent most weekends together and still hung out during the week. When something went down we would call each other to vent or get advice. The energy was definitely not associates...I know because I have an abundance of those.

Now it just all seems fake or out of convenience. I’m not sad about it but I was shocked. They always had me out spending my money and now I can stay myself in the house with my money in the bank.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the extra info.

I think its worth talking to them, and letting them know how it made you feel if there is that much time invested and a real connection.

What did they say when you made the joke about them being raggedy?

I talked to a few of my friends, who I also consider good people, just before Christmas. I figured that I was so disappointed with the effort balance in our friendship that I was willing to release them. It started to make no difference what the intention was - feeling forgotten made me feel down.

I told them that I was at this stage of moving on and how their lack of action had me feeling. They were shaken and reflected on it. Anyway, since then they have shaped up and made a lot more effort and I feel appreciated. There were reasons behind some of it also that I never knew before which made sense given their character and nature - Im glad for those deep discussions. STILL I had to break it down how it comes across, even though the intentions weren't bad.
 
@BonBon

They responded “I know lol.”

I’m just tired of being the thoughtful, dependable friend. I don’t even want to say anything more because I don’t want it to turn into a thing. I’m just going to do what I want when I want and not be made to feel guilty for saying no or simply not showing up.

I don’t need or want an apology. I’m glad to see where I stand because now I can make adjustments that will benefit me.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
I have been Velcro-ed to my chair because of year end. :boredwrk: Long story short, we ran out of holiday cards and my assistant asked if I wanted her to pick some up on her lunch hour. I was like :up:. She comes back and circulates cards with tree ornaments on the front that say "Merry Christmas" (all the other cards that SHE has sent out for the last 14 years have said Happy Holidays) and every person who signed the cards including me was big mad about how much glitter got everywhere. You would not believe how much glitter would fall off the card from just moving it .

:fistshake:

I went ahead and bought Happy Holiday cards that didn't have me looking like I left a gay club.
Click to expand...

Crackers Phinn said:
My assistant dialed my extension and asked if I wanted to take a sales call (telemarketer). I told her to send it to voice mail cuz my home girl was visiting and we were talking. My door was open so when I hung up we both heard her say "She told me to transfer you to voice mail".

Click to expand...
Crackers Phinn said:
I'm in my office with the door closed and I am fuming. FUMING!

One of my employees had an accident. His supervisor came running to me and said "Accident, head wound, bleeding from head". I run to call 911 because nobody did it even though there were 10 phones between me and the person. I call 911 and they gave me head wound instructions so I run (I'm fat) to get clean towels to go apply pressure. As I'm heading to get them and pondering how much blood I'm about to see, I tell my assistant, go out to the parking lot, there's an ambulance coming, waive them over to where the part of the building dude is at.

She says "what happened? Is he hurt? Is he going to be okay?"

I say, don't worry about that right now, just go out front and direct them to where they need to go.

Ambalamps, and fire trucks arrive, they do what they do and load him up for hospital transport (HIPPA I can't say what's what) , I ran (again, I'm fat) back to my office to get workers comp forms for hospital payment. The minute I get back still obviously moving faster than anyone has ever seen me do, both my assistant and another person ask me what's going on. I said "not now" and do what I gotta do.

What about this situation said I got time to give you details about what might be a life threatening emergency WHILE IT'S HAPPENING????? ARE YOU :censored: KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?

Oh my G-d. I can't.
Click to expand...
I was finally able to let my assistant go this week. There were contractual obligations why she stayed well past what she should have but thankfully it's done. I don't feel good about someone being without a livelihood and I spent YEARS trying to coach her into doing basic things.
 
Playing the victim has never been my speed, so it's time to move on with life...

Even tho I give them tough love, I have a very big soft spot for my family. I've given my all to them whenever they've asked in the past (outside of money, I know better now).

Last year I upended my life to be near them, because they constantly reminded me how I was missing out on things with them. My life was fine and I got to do and see so much, but I was very far from my loved ones and it had been years since I've seen the majority of my family.

I'm here now, about 40 minutes from them. I got rid of my car because I don't need it and I'll probably be moving out of the country again, soon. Since sheltering-in-place I've been getting my groceries delivered. I usually pre-order a week or so ahead so I don't run out of food but Whole Foods has pretty much stopped allowing for deliveries from my local store. I basically live in a food desert so delivery or a 3-5 mile walk are my only options. Delivery has never been an issue. If I knew a global pandemic was eminent, I wouldn't have moved to this specific location. Proximity to public transportation, amenities and safety were my main priorities.

I told my mom this, but she just asked "what was I going to do?", I'm like, I don't know. She has a car and drives all day every day when she isn't working. She didn't offer to take me to the store until the 5th call and after I snapped because she kept asking what I was going to do.

The day comes to go to the store and she says she can't make it, two hours before she was supposed to be here. I've rearranged my work calls for today, got up really early so I wouldn't have her waiting, and she cancels. I'm not mad, just disappointed.
 
Damaris.Elle said:
I'm really emotional today :cry3:This quarantine and having to be at home and away from people all the time is really starting to get to me.
Click to expand...

:bighug:

It’s going to be okay. Like you I have my good days and bad days. Some things that I’ve found helpful, creating virtual Morning tea and coffee socials with my coworkers. We use WebEx, a meeting software and our webcams to see each other and catch up. I’ve been FaceTiming all my friends and family members it’s good to see their faces. I’ve been talking on the phone a lot more. I also go running in the park to relieve stress and anxiety. Yoga, prayer and meditation as well as EFT, has been very helpful. Also watching movies and catching up on some books I’ve been meaning to read, keeps my mind off of things.
 
Nay said:
@Miss Luna , It sucks when you ask so little from people and they can't even give that much :-(
Click to expand...

It does...she hasn't called to see if I've been able to get food. I took an uber to the store between calls, so I'm good now anyway.
I had a lot to drink and a mini-dance party last night to take my mind off of things. Any other circumstance and I would get it, but a global pandemic and you can't depend on family says a lot.
 
@Miss_Luna
I am sorry you had to go through that. I spoke with my gf the other day and told her when people view you as strong and stable they don't give you basic consideration, not a "how are you? Do you need anything?" And it hurts. They also are comfortable with not being dependable when it comes to you because you will figure it out.

I've been where you are, moved closer to family to actually be closer to them and it was good for a bit but it gave me insight into how they view me.

I was involved in a traumatic event and no one was to be found. A friend had to ask me where was my massive family that I was always visiting. Why weren't they here? And I had no answers.

If you have a decent relationship with your mom I would address the larger issue and not just this incident.

*hugs*
 
NaturalEnigma said:
:bighug:

It’s going to be okay. Like you I have my good days and bad days. Some things that I’ve found helpful, creating virtual Morning tea and coffee socials with my coworkers. We use WebEx, a meeting software and our webcams to see each other and catch up. I’ve been FaceTiming all my friends and family members it’s good to see their faces. I’ve been talking on the phone a lot more. I also go running in the park to relieve stress and anxiety. Yoga, prayer and meditation as well as EFT, has been very helpful. Also watching movies and catching up on some books I’ve been meaning to read, keeps my mind off of things.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the suggestions, yesterday was just a rough day for me. I probably should start working on setting aside time each day to meditate. I like the coffee and tea socials idea. A few friends and I are going to have a virtual Saturday brunch tomorrow. It's funny because normally I hate using FaceTime and no one could get me to use it but we can't go out to have brunch in person right now so I'll have to deal with it :laugh:
 
@BrownBetty I tried to talk to her about it today. Her response was “I’m here for you. Love you.” that’s it. This is after I wrote half of an iPhone screen of text. I can’t talk to her on the phone because I’m angry. Also, when I’ve tried to communicate this to her in the past, in a calm tone, she hung up on me.

I don’t think she has the capacity to understand. Her emotional intelligence is very low and she is extremely selfish.

I’ve spoken to three friends who have background on this. Everyone, including my therapist, thinks I need to cut ties. I think it’s time.
 
I have had to deal with this kind of behaviour and had to cut ties. I am not recommending it. You do what you think is best for your wellbeing.

I am just sharing my own experience so that if you decide to cut ties, you know that you are not alone. Neither are you selfish. I was not as calm and graceful as you. I would scream and cuss and cry when I felt my mother treated me like dirt. You are full of grace and patience.
Miss_Luna said:
@BrownBetty I tried to talk to her about it today. Her response was “I’m here for you. Love you.” that’s it. This is after I wrote half of an iPhone screen of text. I can’t talk to her on the phone because I’m angry. Also, when I’ve tried to communicate this to her in the past, in a calm tone, she hung up on me.

I don’t think she has the capacity to understand. Her emotional intelligence is very low and she is extremely selfish.

I’ve spoken to three friends who have background on this. Everyone, including my therapist, thinks I need to cut ties. I think it’s time.
Click to expand...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

SurferBabe
Life Lessons Learned The Hard Way: Dating & Relationship Edition
2
Replies
57
Views
2K
julzinha
julzinha
mischka
The Five Un-Romantic Keys to a Happy Relationship
Replies
24
Views
817
SerenavanderWoodsen
SerenavanderWoodsen
SurferBabe
  • Sticky
Thread for the heartbroken
40 41 42
Replies
1K
Views
51K
PatDM'T
PatDM'T
LadyBlu
Playing The Game
Replies
9
Views
297
amara11
A
Cincysweetie
Someone Please Explain the Whole "Friends First" Thing to Me
Replies
20
Views
672
erokawa
erokawa
Back
Top