Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

I am kind of annoyed right now and I don't know how much of a right I have to be. A friend of mine has been asking me to get up with her for a minute. We see each other often enough where I'm not pressed to see her but she's been saying she's got things to fill me in on. Cool. But the way she's been trying to make plans has been rubbing me the wrong way. She is constantly asking at the last minute. She will text me all day long and then at 6pm be like "so what you doing tonight, want to get a drink" Idk maybe I'm too rigid but I don't like this. I don't let men do it to me and I refuse to let my friends do it to me. So I always brush that off and suggest a day in advance. She never responds but then on the day of she'll say "so drinks tonight still?" Still? We never actually made plans or confirmed anything!

So for the past week my phone has been messed up and it has been turning off and on by itself so I hadn't spoken to her for a bit. On Saturday I texted her while my phone was working and was like let's get together on Monday but can we pick a time and place now in case my phone goes crazy again. She said sure so I asked her if she wanted to be near work or home. She never responded! I sent her another text yesterday and still no response!

All morning, no message from her. During lunch I dropped my phone and it started doing the same thing turning off and on so I hadn't bothered to check it. I look at it just now and there's a text from her about a half hour ago that says "we still on for drinks tonight?" I'm annoyed and am 90% decided on not answering just because. But then I feel bad because I'm being vindictive. I'm just tired of people not taking the care they should with friendships.

Oddly enough, she analyzes every single text message and voicemail from men and sends me screenshots when men behave this way with her. She's even gone as far as saying "he never responded so I guess that's a no" (her asking men to hang out is another post entirely). How can she be disappointed when she does the exact same thing? Am I overreacting here? Maybe I am and should just learn to go with the flow.
 
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@LdyKamz
It sounds like you two just have different styles. She doesn’t seem disrespectful but I’m like you I prefer 24 hour notice from almost everyone because I’m a planner. I would very directly tell her I need 24 hours notice otherwise it feels too last minute for me and stresses me out or whatever. Then from that point I would just ignore her last minute requests. Not to be vindictive but to save myself the aggravation of repeating myself and feeling annoyed/disrespected/frustrated. But I wouldn’t take it personally. If she’s a good friend otherwise I would chalk it up to her not being a planner or as organized as you are.
 
LdyKamz said:
I am kind of annoyed right now and I don't know how much of a right I have to be. A friend of mine has been asking me to get up with her for a minute. We see each other often enough where I'm not pressed to see her but she's been saying she's got things to fill me in on. Cool. But the way she's been trying to make plans has been rubbing me the wrong way. She is constantly asking at the last minute. She will text me all day long and then at 6pm be like "so what you doing tonight, want to get a drink" Idk maybe I'm too rigid but I don't like this. I don't let men do it to me and I refuse to let my friends do it to me. So I always brush that off and suggest a day in advance. She never responds but then on the day of she'll say "so drinks tonight still?" Still? We never actually made plans or confirmed anything!

So for the past week my phone has been messed up and it has been turning off and on by itself so I hadn't spoken to her for a bit. On Saturday I texted her while my phone was working and was like let's get together on Monday but can we pick a time and place now in case my phone goes crazy again. She said sure so I asked her if she wanted to be near work or home. She never responded! I sent her another text yesterday and still no response!

All morning, no message from her. During lunch I dropped my phone and it started doing the same thing turning off and on so I hadn't bothered to check it. I look at it just now and there's a text from her about a half hour ago that says "we still on for drinks tonight?" I'm annoyed and am 90% decided on not answering just because. But then I feel bad because I'm being vindictive. I'm just tired of people not taking the care they should with friendships.

Oddly enough, she analyzes every single text message and voicemail from men and sends me screenshots when men behave this way with her. She's even gone as far as saying "he never responded so I guess that's a no" (her asking men to hang out is a mother post entirely). How can she be disappointed when she does the exact same thing? Am I overreacting here? Maybe I am and should just learn to go with the flow.
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I agree with you completely. I don't think you are over reacting.
 
hopeful said:
I would very directly tell her I need 24 hours notice otherwise it feels too last minute for me and stresses me out or whatever. Then from that point I would just ignore her last minute requests.
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I agree @LdyKamz Set the boundary. Inform her of it. If she continues to ignore it then stop hanging out with her. Simple as that. Oh and fix your phone as soon as you can so she doesn’t use it as an excuse to make last minute plans with you. For example: “oh I texted you yesterday but it didn’t show up on your phone until 30 minutes ago”.
 
Thanks ladies. The thing is I have told her. On several occasions. But maybe I've said it too jokingly at times for her to take it seriously? I would say something like "Girl, you stay wanting to make last minute plans" and then we'll laugh and she'll say "I know, sorry but I'm bored" and then it happens again and again and again. I just don't feel like the topic is something that requires a "serious" discussion and doing that would make this an even bigger deal than it needs to be because then people get hurt feelings, turn passive aggressive and she'll probably end up saying something like "oh, do you want to chill tomorrow or is that too short notice?" People do crap like that all the time (even seemingly "nice" and emotionally healthy people) because their feelings are hurt and they want to lash out and I just don't have the time for it.
 
hopeful said:
@LdyKamz
It sounds like you two just have different styles. She doesn’t seem disrespectful but I’m like you I prefer 24 hour notice from almost everyone because I’m a planner. I would very directly tell her I need 24 hours notice otherwise it feels too last minute for me and stresses me out or whatever. Then from that point I would just ignore her last minute requests. Not to be vindictive but to save myself the aggravation of repeating myself and feeling annoyed/disrespected/frustrated. But I wouldn’t take it personally. If she’s a good friend otherwise I would chalk it up to her not being a planner or as organized as you are.
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@LdyKamz
Yeah I don’t think your friend is being disrespectful. That’s pretty common to ask your friend to go somewhere at the spur of a moment, especially grabbing a bite to eat, or hanging out for drinks. The joys of being single and childless! Lol I wouldn’t take it too personal. You just have to flat out tell her that you like planned outings. If she doesn’t get it, then just let the friendship fizzle out. I do recall you stating that you were an introvert, so I can empathize why something like that would be irritating. Are you annoyed with this friend for other reasons not so obvious?
 
I think you just need to politely and firmly tell her that it's not your thing (and never will be) without the jokey, jokey. I doubt she knows just how bothered you are about it.

Asking a long time friend if they would like a drink after work, or to come around for coffee and a chat is not comparable to the dating process IMO.

6pm is pretty late to start suggesting it if its a weekday though.
 
I’m so :censored: When my mom goes home permanently, I don’t want to see her for a while. Because I’m gonna lose my job since she can’t keep her **** together while babysitting (even though I’m paying her, and the kid is in school all day) while I work a part time job. I can’t change my hours because we’re in our busy season, and special needs sitters cost more than what I would earn.
 
caribeandiva said:
@ItsMeLilLucky I’m so confused
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She(my mom) drinks to excess (occasionally), invites a relative(who has her own addiction struggles) to my house and they cause a lot of commotion (sometimes with themselves, sometimes with the neighbors). While I’m at work and she’s supposed to be babysitting. I’m quitting because I can’t take the uncertainty of will she be sober when I get home.
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
@ItsMeLilLucky You are in my thoughts, I was wondering how things were going with your mom. I am sorry to hear not well, but for now you definitely have to do what you can to keep some peace in your home.
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I second that. You must do whatever is necessary to protect your peace of mind and your child. Your mom doesn’t wanna change. She’s an adult so don’t force her. Make other arrangements to take care of you. It sucks that parents act like children sometimes but what can you do?
 
I'm enjoying being the "broke" friend soooooo much. My homegirl sent me not only the weighted blanket that I was too cheap to buy but also a faux peacock throw that I was debating getting. Happy Hanukkah to me! Woohoo!

She flying her mama'nem out and me and an assortment of rowdy Detroiters (and slightly less rowdy Jews) are having Christmas dinner at Sofitel. I'm just giddy!

 
Friend's annual Christmas party was lackluster. Got there about 1.5 hours after it started. I brought the only game, which I kinda brought on a whim heading out because SO suggested it. For whatever reason, my friend decided the game couldn't be played with SOs (huh???) so only the girls played. They complained about the cards, so I switched them, then they still complained so we switched again.

SO left because he was bored (he's a game person) and told me to let me know when I was ready lol. I passed my cards off to someone else to play after a while because folks was taking the fun out of it.

So weird. A year or two ago, I'd get there on time(ish) and folks would stay until the wee hours of the morning, having a good time. This year there was a lots of left over food and liquor left over, maybe one person was tipsy while the rest were sober, and mostly everyone was gone by 1am. There were quite a few regulars missing as well.

I might skip next year.

I'm actually looking forward to a wrap and sip party with a different group of friends and I have no gifts to wrap. Lol.
 
oneastrocurlie said:
Friend's annual Christmas party was lackluster. Got there about 1.5 hours after it started. I brought the only game, which I kinda brought on a whim heading out because SO suggested it. For whatever reason, my friend decided the game couldn't be played with SOs (huh???) so only the girls played. They complained about the cards, so I switched them, then they still complained so we switched again.

SO left because he was bored (he's a game person) and told me to let me know when I was ready lol. I passed my cards off to someone else to play after a while because folks was taking the fun out of it.

So weird. A year or two ago, I'd get there on time(ish) and folks would stay until the wee hours of the morning, having a good time. This year there was a lots of left over food and liquor left over, maybe one person was tipsy while the rest were sober, and mostly everyone was gone by 1am. There were quite a few regulars missing as well.

I might skip next year.

I'm actually looking forward to a wrap and sip party with a different group of friends and I have no gifts to wrap. Lol.
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I hope you have a good time at your next event. The spirit just isn’t there this year with a lot of the holidays.
 
LdyKamz said:
I am kind of annoyed right now and I don't know how much of a right I have to be. A friend of mine has been asking me to get up with her for a minute. We see each other often enough where I'm not pressed to see her but she's been saying she's got things to fill me in on. Cool. But the way she's been trying to make plans has been rubbing me the wrong way. She is constantly asking at the last minute. She will text me all day long and then at 6pm be like "so what you doing tonight, want to get a drink" Idk maybe I'm too rigid but I don't like this. I don't let men do it to me and I refuse to let my friends do it to me. So I always brush that off and suggest a day in advance. She never responds but then on the day of she'll say "so drinks tonight still?" Still? We never actually made plans or confirmed anything!

So for the past week my phone has been messed up and it has been turning off and on by itself so I hadn't spoken to her for a bit. On Saturday I texted her while my phone was working and was like let's get together on Monday but can we pick a time and place now in case my phone goes crazy again. She said sure so I asked her if she wanted to be near work or home. She never responded! I sent her another text yesterday and still no response!

All morning, no message from her. During lunch I dropped my phone and it started doing the same thing turning off and on so I hadn't bothered to check it. I look at it just now and there's a text from her about a half hour ago that says "we still on for drinks tonight?" I'm annoyed and am 90% decided on not answering just because. But then I feel bad because I'm being vindictive. I'm just tired of people not taking the care they should with friendships.

Oddly enough, she analyzes every single text message and voicemail from men and sends me screenshots when men behave this way with her. She's even gone as far as saying "he never responded so I guess that's a no" (her asking men to hang out is another post entirely). How can she be disappointed when she does the exact same thing? Am I overreacting here? Maybe I am and should just learn to go with the flow.
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I could’ve written this about a friend of mine. Down to the part about her not liking men doing the same to her. It’s a mystery to me.
 
Sooooooo a friend of mine is trying to make her way back and I am not feeling it. This chick had a bunch of stuff going on for 2 yrs, I was there being supportive but had to pull back. I find when you support certain people too much they take you for granted, and if there is one thing I hate is being taken for granted.

Now that ish is all good in her life I don't hear from her. I see on social media she had all types of bbqs, parties, dinners etc... that I wasn't invited too. Where were all the people when you life was crumbling? Mind you I would extend an invite out but she always had some reason she couldn't go. After the 2nd time I stopped asking.

I recently received a text from her about her missing me. I will respond and let her know I'm not here for her BS. That she should keep that same energy with the people she's been rocking with. I don't need friends who only want to be bothered when their life is falling apart and they need help. I'm good.
 
BrownBetty said:
Sooooooo a friend of mine is trying to make her way back and I am not feeling it. This chick had a bunch of stuff going on for 2 yrs, I was there being supportive but had to pull back. I find when you support certain people too much they take you for granted, and if there is one thing I hate is being taken for granted.

Now that ish is all good in her life I don't hear from her. I see on social media she had all types of bbqs, parties, dinners etc... that I wasn't invited too. Where were all the people when you life was crumbling? Mind you I would extend an invite out but she always had some reason she couldn't go. After the 2nd time I stopped asking.

I recently received a text from her about her missing me. I will respond and let her know I'm not here for her BS. That she should keep that same energy with the people she's been rocking with. I don't need friends who only want to be bothered when their life is falling apart and they need help. I'm good.
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Wow! Good stuff! Lol I ain’t gotta nothing else to add on that! Lol
 
Leeda.the.Paladin said:
I could’ve written this about a friend of mine. Down to the part about her not liking men doing the same to her. It’s a mystery to me.
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Zero self awareness. People who spend their lives chasing their own tail, and wondering why me, have no self awareness to even take step 1 towards doing the necessary work to be better. Slight rant, but I see this all the time! I have a friend , gets played by men right, left, and center. She will loan money, loan cars, everything else for these dudes. She's the same way with shady women, it's like the more crappy stuff people do to her the harder she chases them. Now her good friends who try to be there for her? Crickets. And she cannot SEE it. I have mentioned it to her and she acts like I have 5 heads. She can't see herself and she will always stay in the same place.
 
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RoundEyedGirl504 said:
When I got my first real job I didn't know how to use the coffee maker LOL! I would hang around until somebody else came though so i could get some coffee and observe how to use that contraption LOL!
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That is so much better than seeing the red light on showing it's brewing and then coming back 10 minutes later and ain't even a swallow of coff-ay in the contaynuh! (said in my Della Reese from Harlem Knights voice) :fistshake:
 
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