Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

@hopeful I dont know. I’m not very good at seeing situations that are close to me sometimes. I just dont want to invite her sometimes to things, you know? And I know that she would be hurt if I didn’t invite her.

I just dont understand how she seems to socially adept in other situations. If we are somewhere new where we both dont know anyone, she’s much better. But maybe in those situations *I* am a person she knows, so she feels more comfortable? I dont know..
 
@Leeda.the.Paladin

I understand. I would do whatever is best for myself if I were you. She is who she is and you love her. But you don’t deserve to be put in awkward situations or to feel uncomfortable either. You will just have to be selective about what you include her in and invite her too. Not much else you can do as you said you’ve already brought it up to her and she acts confused. So you be confused too if she’s upset when/if she discovers she’s being left out sometimes. She can behave better if she really wants to. It’s her choice. But it’s not your problem to take on or figure out.
 
Leeda.the.Paladin said:
@hopeful I dont know. I’m not very good at seeing situations that are close to me sometimes. I just dont want to invite her sometimes to things, you know? And I know that she would be hurt if I didn’t invite her.

I just dont understand how she seems to socially adept in other situations. If we are somewhere new where we both dont know anyone, she’s much better. But maybe in those situations *I* am a person she knows, so she feels more comfortable? I dont know..
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I would tell her this if it is indeed a social issue. You asked her about it and she seemed confused? I'm guessing you asked if she was alright and if someone made her mad and if not why is she being stank, right? She's not confused. If she is socially awkward or introverted she knows her behavior is offputting and is likely embarrassed by it and pretending to be confused so she doesn't have to talk about it. It isn't your job to help her work through this or be put in the middle of these things. But you've been friends long enough where you can tell her since she seems uncomfortable around certain groups of people (people you know and she doesn't- because she's fine around mutual friends, right?) you won't be inviting her to certain events. She will either be thankful for this or try harder to make an effort around other people. Missing out on important things in your life because she can't deal would be unfortunate. After that, the choice is hers. And this way you don't have to feel guilty or duck her when she finds out you have intentionally left her out of something because you told her this already.

I wouldn't just silently leave her out, though. My opinion on this is a little different because it happened to me with my sister. I am/was socially awkward, I'm an introvert and in my teen and young adult years everyone and I mean everyone assumed I was mean or had an attitude. I wouldn't look people in the eye when they spoke to me giving the impression I was disinterested and when I spoke to them everything came out unintentionally snarky. My sister used to be all over me at events asking me constantly if I was ok. I was embarrassed by it all knowing people were noticing so I stuck close to her only talking to her and that was even worse.

It hit home when my sisters friends were throwing her a birthday party. We're twins so naturally she wanted me there but was conflicted about my behavior and told me at the last minute kinda sorta hoping I wouldn't go. That hurt big time and I asked her why she did that and she told me flat out she's worried about my behavior. She wanted to have fun and didn't want me being mean to the very people throwing her the party. It was eye opening because I wasn't like this with just her but other close friends. They just never told me.

All these years later I am much much better. I just try to be myself and if I don't speak much that's ok. Still a bit snarky but I feel much less pressure to fit in so the awkwardness comes off as endearing instead of witchy now lol

Good luck to you and your friend.
 
LdyKamz said:
I would tell her this if it is indeed a social issue. You asked her about it and she seemed confused? I'm guessing you asked if she was alright and if someone made her mad and if not why is she being stank, right? She's not confused. If she is socially awkward or introverted she knows her behavior is offputting and is likely embarrassed by it and pretending to be confused so she doesn't have to talk about it. It isn't your job to help her work through this or be put in the middle of these things. But you've been friends long enough where you can tell her since she seems uncomfortable around certain groups of people (people you know and she doesn't- because she's fine around mutual friends, right?) you won't be inviting her to certain events. She will either be thankful for this or try harder to make an effort around other people. Missing out on important things in your life because she can't deal would be unfortunate. After that, the choice is hers. And this way you don't have to feel guilty or duck her when she finds out you have intentionally left her out of something because you told her this already.

I wouldn't just silently leave her out, though. My opinion on this is a little different because it happened to me with my sister. I am/was socially awkward, I'm an introvert and in my teen and young adult years everyone and I mean everyone assumed I was mean or had an attitude. I wouldn't look people in the eye when they spoke to me giving the impression I was disinterested and when I spoke to them everything came out unintentionally snarky. My sister used to be all over me at events asking me constantly if I was ok. I was embarrassed by it all knowing people were noticing so I stuck close to her only talking to her and that was even worse.

It hit home when my sisters friends were throwing her a birthday party. We're twins so naturally she wanted me there but was conflicted about my behavior and told me at the last minute kinda sorta hoping I wouldn't go. That hurt big time and I asked her why she did that and she told me flat out she's worried about my behavior. She wanted to have fun and didn't want me being mean to the very people throwing her the party. It was eye opening because I wasn't like this with just her but other close friends. They just never told me.

All these years later I am much much better. I just try to be myself and if I don't speak much that's ok. Still a bit snarky but I feel much less pressure to fit in so the awkwardness comes off as endearing instead of witchy now lol

Good luck to you and your friend.
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I used to be like this as well and it took a loved one telling me exactly what I was doing for me to modify my behavior. I didn't realize my social awkwardness/shyness was coming off as aloof/rude. Now I'm much better at being friendly and engaging to strangers because I'm aware of how I was coming off. I agree that you should tell her and stop inviting her to events with others if she doesn't self correct.
 
I have decided to relocate. I need a more family friendly area, lower cost of living, and a better commute. I will miss my friends and DS's current daycare is awesome. But overall I need a better quality of life. I am looking at a few cities, mainly southern and mid-western. Putting in applications and trying to get this train on the road. There are a lot of things to love about the west coast but I man it's expensive as heck.

The decision feels peaceful, I don't feel anxious about it, so that's always a good sign. I'd been interviewing for higher level roles, I am getting good feedback but I don't have enough people management experience. So I am looking at roles that will get me that, so far I am finding some good roles that I think will pay me comfortably, especially for the areas. This is the longest I have lived anywhere as an adult so it will be an adjustment, but it's time. The seasons have changed and what worked for me before isn't working now. C'est la vie!

I was thinking of moving near family, but quality of life would not improve and I find I have to really build my own community because my family, though I love them dearly, aren't the best environment for me. I will be closer for visits and that's quite enough!
 
LdyKamz said:
I would tell her this if it is indeed a social issue. You asked her about it and she seemed confused? I'm guessing you asked if she was alright and if someone made her mad and if not why is she being stank, right? She's not confused. If she is socially awkward or introverted she knows her behavior is offputting and is likely embarrassed by it and pretending to be confused so she doesn't have to talk about it.
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@Leeda.the.Paladin
These are my exact thoughts. I think she is somewhat jealous of your other friends.
As others have said, you don't have to worry yourself about solving this issue. I would limit contact with her and let her know how I feel. If she cares about you, let her fix it.

You could of course just try and make time for only her and not include her in other group get together due to her sour attitude. But I don't think it would be wise because it would be rewarding her sour attitude and giving her what she wants which is having you all to herself. Plus it excuses her from dealing with whatever is causing her to act like that.

Either way, do what's least stressful for you.
 
I am always so pleased with myself when I have a weekend like this. Great date on Friday night, hung out in Harlem on Saturday with my sister and David Bowie exhibition at the Brooklyn museum today by myself. That was awesome. I think I'm going to take a day off next week and go see it again. Even though it's raining now I'm just sitting here waiting for the shuttle with a smile on my face. I feel good. :)
 
RoundEyedGirl504 said:
I have decided to relocate. I need a more family friendly area, lower cost of living, and a better commute. I will miss my friends and DS's current daycare is awesome. But overall I need a better quality of life. I am looking at a few cities, mainly southern and mid-western. Putting in applications and trying to get this train on the road. There are a lot of things to love about the west coast but I man it's expensive as heck.

The decision feels peaceful, I don't feel anxious about it, so that's always a good sign. I'd been interviewing for higher level roles, I am getting good feedback but I don't have enough people management experience. So I am looking at roles that will get me that, so far I am finding some good roles that I think will pay me comfortably, especially for the areas. This is the longest I have lived anywhere as an adult so it will be an adjustment, but it's time. The seasons have changed and what worked for me before isn't working now. C'est la vie!

I was thinking of moving near family, but quality of life would not improve and I find I have to really build my own community because my family, though I love them dearly, aren't the best environment for me. I will be closer for visits and that's quite enough!
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Sounds like you have a good plan. I agree that having a great community is so important especially when kids are involved.
 
I got mad at my coworker and didn’t try to hide it! I let my anger show. This is huge for me! Growing up in a home when I wasn’t allowed to have strong emotions, much less show anger, I’ve gone all my life acting like I wasn’t angry even when I was. I always feared people wouldn’t like me anymore. So I acted passive aggressively and pretended I wasn’t pissed even when I was. That changed today. You know what, I was openly angry at my coworker and she didn’t run from me. She stayed, we discussed it and cleared the air. This is progress. :yep:
 
I'm proud of you! Suppressing your anger will give you ulcers and let the other person sleep peacefully at night.

caribeandiva said:
I got mad at my coworker and didn’t try to hide it! I let my anger show. This is huge for me! Growing up in a home when I wasn’t allowed to have strong emotions, much less show anger, I’ve gone all my life acting like I wasn’t angry even when I was. I always feared people wouldn’t like me anymore. So I acted passive aggressively and pretended I wasn’t pissed even when I was. That changed today. You know what, I was openly angry at my coworker and she didn’t run from me. She stayed, we discussed it and cleared the air. This is progress. :yep:
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Lately I have gotten into doing yoga and other workouts I find on amazon at home in my living room. But the yoga especially has helped me on this inner peace journey. There are a few things I still struggle with but I am getting further and further away from being so invested in a specific outcome, I am focusing on how I want to feel as more the desired outcome, not so much how to get there or what it looks like.
 
I had planned to take the day off today and go to the Brooklyn Museum and then lounge on the grass and soak up the sun in Prospect Park. But I changed my mind when I woke up this morning and it was cloudy. It looks like more of the same tomorrow so Friday is looking like it will be the perfect weather even though I try to keep Friday and Monday call outs to a minimum. Sometimes you just want to do weekend activities during the week without all the people. I'm kind of excited and then maybe the sis and I will have a sleep over. I'm not sure yet though. I kind of want to be alone for a whole weekend since the last 2 weekends I've had stuff to do.
 
I can't wash my hair it seems, because of my wack behind slow moving drain. NOTHING I tried has worked, or only works until the next wash.

There's no way I'm unscrewing, snaking and pulling out anything, so the maintenance man is going to have to come and do this.
 
Home today relaxing on the couch for a bit. I will be heading out in a few to go to the museum and do some meditation in the park. I'm hoping the grass isn't wet, otherwise I'll just head home after the museum.

My sister texted me about thebgirls night sleepover and the woman is so excited telling me what snacks she has, what we can have for breakfast and the pajamas she's wearing and she hope's my apartment is cool. Lol Her excitement was contagious so we invited Mommy and the 3 of us will be hanging out tonight. I already got the few new episodes of Claws queued up, the board games out and blankets and floor pillows piled in the living room.
 
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