Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread

I have a close friend with 5 kids. Early 30s. I've been helping her out with money since her baby father died...and the other baby father began being abusive. So she's raising them by herself. She's been asking for $50-60 every other week for the last 2 months. I'll give her the cash to pay for one of her bills. She pays me back the money pretty quickly so I never made a big deal about it. But recently she disclosed to me she went "back to school shopping'' for her kids. All boys. And got them all jordans o_Oo_Oo_O. She said she spent 1100 bucks on back to school for them. So this chick had the nerve the following week to ask me for another $60. I said nope don't have it. I honestly thought she was out here struggling cuz this chick never asked for money from me. But if you got the cash to get all your boys brand new jordans...you can find money to pay your bills
 
So since moving I've practically cut out previous friendships/pseudo-relationships I had or dwelled upon in the US.

I follow quote pages on IG (judge me :look:) and I connected with two of them on a deeper level last week.
"You need to hang out with people who fit your destiny not your history" - This one because I come from fairly humble beginnings and this morning I woke to the most beautiful view of the South China Sea. This is my view every morning for at least the next two years...and it hit me that this whole experience is so much bigger than me and I need to stop feeling guilty for moving on from relationships that no longer add to my life. There is much more for me to do in life and I need to understand this and move forward. I feel like a case of 'survivor's guilt'. I have friends that are really really struggling and I feel bad for not being there for them. So I'll call them or just hit them up to say hello and it's just a baseless, superficial discussion about nothing that is relevant or important in my life and honestly it shouldn't be important in their lives either. I find myself being in a negative space following those discussions so I just stop talking to them.

"My Mission: to be so busy loving my life that I have no time for hate, regret, worry, fret, or fear." This is where I am right now. I have regrets, quite a few, actually. However, what I'm doing right now does not give me the time to focus on that. What I'm doing can help so many people and I can't continue to reflect on things that make my stomach hurt lol. It happened. It is what it is. I can't change the past, just learn from it and move on and make better choices. My focus needs to be on the present.

I'm re-reading The Power of Now. I want to read like five books before the end of the year and really be on my sh*t for the rest of 2017 and have an amazing New Years Eve, somewhere warm and fun.

This was long, but it's Monday morning here and I just wanted to get this out and start my week on a positive note.

Have a great week, ladies!
 
So happy for you @Miss_Luna! You don't owe anyone anything. You deserve to live and enjoy your beautiful life. You know how they say you should pay yourself first? Well it's the same with joy and happiness. Take care of yourself first. Hopefully the longer you are away the less guilty you will feel. You deserve this precious time and to be honest there is no reason you should ever give up enjoying your life, feeling free, and being happy. Don't sacrifice your happiness for anyone.
 
KammyGirl said:
I agree with the poor boundaries. I mentioned in this thread before how she asked me if she could come over to my place and I told her no some other time and she showed up anyway with my father while my apartment was a wreck because I was cleaning. And then had the nerve to guilt me because I asked her why she ignored me when I asked her not to come. It's mind boggling. It's difficult to practice because I don't really have these kinds of issues with anyone else. I can be firm with other people and they get it even if they sulk for a few minutes. Sigh. I asked my therapist years ago if this was going to be our relationship forever and he actually said unless my sister gets help it probably will be. But it's up to me to deal with it in a way that I can live with. After all this time I still haven't figured out what that way is. Smh

But I'm going to continue practicing on her and maybe one day I'll get it right.
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No it doesn't have to be. Change happens with you. When you make it up in your mind to stand firm in your boundaries, change will happen. im learning that too.
 
MzLady78 said:
@Miss_Luna, do you mind sharing a few of the pages you follow?

I'm going through a really tough time right now, and trying to get motivation wherever I can find it.
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Yes, of course.
-spiritualword - sometimes they post ratchet **** but that's not the majority of their post
-m_eye_nd - just quotes
-tytryone - Beyonce's original stylist; not all quotes, but lots of positivity
-realtalkkim - spiritual/religious quotes
-fridakahlo - I love her as an artist and I've always loved her personality, as portrayed through her art. Whoever runs this account also posts beautiful captions under her post. They're mostly in Spanish but you can translate if you need to.

I pray that whatever is troubling you subsides and you're able to grow from this experience. I have had my own tough times and I still go through periods of darkness, but I try to stay focused on the present moment.

When I get overwhelmed I recall this interview I saw with Tracey Ellis Ross and she mentioned just focusing on the 'next indicated task'. For example, I have a massive amount of work that I need to do; it's ridiculous. I'm also lightweight working through personal things in my head. Instead of focusing on all of them, I write down the tactical items and just focus on the 'next indicated task'. Which brings me back to why I like the second quote about 'Being so busy...', I have no time to dwell on the past and things I cannot change.

I also don't follow socialites or gossip pages on IG. I can always search them, if necessary :look:. But they are not on my daily newsfeed. I have enough to worry about and I can't look at my phone and then have myself questioning all my life choices. Some say it's not that deep,but it is; what you focus your energy on is what will be present in your life. Focusing on the abundance of others, tends to make ME reflect on what I LACK in my life, so I don't even give it space in my head.

Good luck. If you want, I can PM you my IG name. I don't post much tho lol
 
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Miss_Luna said:
Yes, of course.
-spiritualword - sometimes they post ratchet **** but that's not the majority of their post
-m_eye_nd - just quotes
-tytryone - Beyonce's original stylist; not all quotes, but lots of positivity
-realtalkkim - spiritual/religious quotes
-fridakahlo - I love her as an artist and I've always loved her personality, as portrayed through her art. Whoever runs this account also posts beautiful captions under her post. They're mostly in Spanish but you can translate if you need to.

I pray that whatever is troubling you subsides and you're able to grow from this experience. I have had my own tough times and I still go through periods of darkness, but I try to stay focused on the present moment.

When I get overwhelmed I recall this interview I saw with Tracey Ellis Ross and she mentioned just focusing on the 'next indicated task'. For example, I have a massive amount of work that I need to do; it's ridiculous. I'm also lightweight working through personal things in my head. Instead of focusing on all of them, I write down the tactical items and just focus on the 'next indicated task'. Which brings me back to why I like the second quote about 'Being so busy...', I have no time to dwell on the past and things I cannot change.

I also don't follow socialites or gossip pages on IG. I can always search them, if necessary :look:. But they are not on my daily newsfeed. I have enough to worry about and I can't look at my phone and then have myself questioning all my life choices. Some say it's not that deep,but it is; what you focus your energy on is what will be present in your life. Focusing on the abundance of others, tends to make ME reflect on what I LACK in my life, so I don't even give it space in my head.

Good luck. If you want, I can PM you my IG name. I don't post much tho lol
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Thank you!

And thanks for your prayers, much appreciated.
 
@Miss_Luna your post is so timely!

Survivor's guilt, that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I have about 3 individuals in my life that are either super negative or too anxious and I'm ready to cut them off but I feel a lot of guilt about it. This is because I went through a tough time myself, and now that I'm coming out of it, I want to help fix everyone, but these people cannot be fixed. Any suggestions I make are shut down. These people are determined to be miserable. I need more positive people in my life.

And I'm loving that you get to wake up to a beautiful view every morning! You deserve it.

I'm about to follow your IG suggestions. Is IG your only social media? I got rid of FB for a while but I got back on recently to be nosy :look:. Back to old habits I guess. It is still an extremely negative environment. I think it is time for me to finally let it go.
 
SurferBabe said:
@Miss_Luna your post is so timely!

Survivor's guilt, that's exactly what I'm feeling right now. I have about 3 individuals in my life that are either super negative or too anxious and I'm ready to cut them off but I feel a lot of guilt about it. This is because I went through a tough time myself, and now that I'm coming out of it, I want to help fix everyone, but these people cannot be fixed. Any suggestions I make are shut down. These people are determined to be miserable. I need more positive people in my life.

And I'm loving that you get to wake up to a beautiful view every morning! You deserve it.

I'm about to follow your IG suggestions. Is IG your only social media? I got rid of FB for a while but I got back on recently to be nosy :look:. Back to old habits I guess. It is still an extremely negative environment. I think it is time for me to finally let it go.
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Thank you! ::wink::

I have a friend that I've known for ~20 years; we're in our very early 30's. Anyway, she will date a dude, he does her dirty after a while then she'll wash, rinse, and repeat with a new dude. I give her advice because I like to solve problems. I want to help my friends. Well recently, she started seeing a new guy and he did the most foul thing a dude could possibly ever do to a woman. I was ready to go to war for her...but mid-convo she was like, I'm on my way to his house to talk about it...he lives like an hour away from her.

After that she told me that they were going on vacation together and i just stopped taking her calls for a bit. The final straw was when she said he wouldn't call their situation a relationship. She would call and I just stopped picking up, wouldn't text her back...only tag her in funny memes on IG :look: Like, I'm alive, just not beat for your **** anymore. All I want to do is laugh and enjoy my life. If you want to keep letting people treat you like ****, that's fine, I just don't want to know about it. Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.

The friends that have serious issues are the ones that I feel guilty about. I mean, like, doing drugs, losing their lives...that breaks my heart. To see people you grew up with really going through it, strung out, or just out in the streets...it makes my stomach hurt. Most of these people I haven't seen since my mom made me switch to private school for high school, but they were my friends for a while and I still kept in touch.

I have IG and FB. I have a massive family so I keep in touch on FB and the ones that don't have WhatsApp, I can talk to them on FB Messenger. I just unfollowed everyone, except for my old aunts and immediate family. I don't even follow my sister on FB...My FB feed is full of funny kid and cooking videos lol. I don't really like FB that much, but it's nice to see family when I live so far away.
 
@KammyGirl
I think you need to talk to an expert or something on twins. Maybe see if there is a support group or something. You need help with not only setting boundaries but also with understanding how being a twin is affecting you and your life. Healthy boundaries is knowing where others end and you begin. But you and your twin (and maybe most twins? IDK) are enmeshed. You should have been able to enjoy your morning regardless of her drama. You deserve a degree of autonomy and peace. Otherwise you could potentially be ensnared in her drama at any moment. Like being on a roller coaster. Setting boundaries is complicated for many but especially so for a twin. These experiences you are having with her sound so stressful. I know it's super complicated because your bond and connection is probably also comforting in some ways as well.
 
I'm in Charleston for my uncle's funeral, in my hotel, waiting for my cousin to get her from Florida so I can go back over to my other uncle's house.

Truth be told, I'd be perfectly ok with staying here the rest of the night and seeing everyone tomorrow at the service.

I'm feeling mentally and physically exhausted, and I don't really feel like being "on" right now. Most of this side of the family are essentially strangers to me, so it's a lot of small talk, which isn't my thing in general. My dad's family, we'd all be tipsy by now and it would be fun. :look: I know I could have easily just stayed home, but I felt like one of us should be here to support my mom and neither of my siblings could make it.

Maybe I just need some sleep, I was up at 4:30. I should be napping now, but I have to get some work done for my class.
 
Going to a birthday dinner for my dad that his ex-fiancee, if you can even call her that, invited us all to. Thank god my cousins will be there because lord knows I can't stand that woman and will need someone to talk ish about her with LOL.
 
Miss617 said:
Going to a birthday dinner for my dad that his ex-fiancee, if you can even call her that, invited us all to. Thank god my cousins will be there because lord knows I can't stand that woman and will need someone to talk ish about her with LOL.
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Lol @ ex-fiancé planning a birthday dinner! Well have fun.
 
Went to my baby sisters sweet 16 today. My baby grew up so fast I was 15 when she was born. She is gorgeous and intelligent, so proud of the young lady she's becoming. We discussed her college plans which she revealed she wants to study my field. I'm so happy for her, I'll mentor her through it all.
 
LostInAdream said:
Went to my baby sisters sweet 16 today. My baby grew up so fast I was 15 when she was born. She is gorgeous and intelligent, so proud of the young lady she's becoming. We discussed her college plans which she revealed she wants to study my field. I'm so happy for her, I'll mentor her through it all.
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Aww that's so sweet. Happy birthday to her:dance7:!
 
Miss617 said:
It wasn't too bad. She gave me a ride home. Still don't like her though LOL. But my dad was happy, I guess no one told him I was coming, so he was very happy to see me.
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:lol:

That woman has pretty much ensured that we will never like her, no matter what she does. :lol:

But I'm glad you went.
 
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MzLady78 said:
I'm in Charleston for my uncle's funeral, in my hotel, waiting for my cousin to get her from Florida so I can go back over to my other uncle's house.

Truth be told, I'd be perfectly ok with staying here the rest of the night and seeing everyone tomorrow at the service.

I'm feeling mentally and physically exhausted, and I don't really feel like being "on" right now. Most of this side of the family are essentially strangers to me, so it's a lot of small talk, which isn't my thing in general. My dad's family, we'd all be tipsy by now and it would be fun. :look: I know I could have easily just stayed home, but I felt like one of us should be here to support my mom and neither of my siblings could make it.

Maybe I just need some sleep, I was up at 4:30. I should be napping now, but I have to get some work done for my class.
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I'm on the train on my way back from Charleston, and I have to say, I had a great time. I didn't know my favorite cousin on that side was coming, and he and I, his best friend, 2 other cousins, one of those cousin's wife and the other's friend crashed someone's birthday party Saturday night. It was open bar, so that was awesome. :lol:

All this traveling I do, I gotta start visiting my family. It had been way too long since I saw some of these folks, I didn't realize I hadn't been since 2000 when I went down for another uncle's funeral, SMH.
 
Just deactivated my Facebook and the messenger part. I'm kind of over everything and everybody. Some of the things I have seen from my friends lately have me questioning their places in my lives. I introduced two of my previous SOs to them and neither one of them meshed well with my friends and now I'm starting to question if those SOs were right after all. I just feel like if it's more than one person that comes in your inner circle and notices things then it might be something that needs looking into.

And a few months ago I was looking at my cousin's friends and best friend act with her. Not saying my friends need to act like hers, but I'm starting to see there is a difference between being supportive/tough love vs feeling like you are the butt of everything.
 
If I’m honest I’m still in my feelings about a chain of events that happened last month. I had invited someone I had been talking to for a few months to an outing me and friends were having. That was their first time meeting my friends and I feel like the people I hangout with are good at seeing things in people. Anyway from what I seen everything seem to be ok when I introduced my potential SO to my friends and they seemed to be getting along fine. Though later on I was hearing how potential SO wasn’t being too friendly to my best friend. Which I feel like ok that’s not cool don’t be rude to anyone especially my best friend. But at the same time I felt like meh... my best friends SO still has a stank attitude towards me and they’ve been together four years.

Anyway, as the outing is winding down me and potential SO are sitting at a table and my friends talk about the last time we hung out. I was drunk and was talking about some explicit things and they were laughing about it. I could see potential SO starting to get uncomfortable and getting in their feelings. Which is understandable because they had no idea what was going on. And my friends are seeing how potential SO is acting and we’re saying “awwww she’s in trouble now” referring to me. And then next thing you know my best friend gets up starts dancing in front of potential SO while saying “just don’t hit her though.” To which potential SO gets mad gets up and walks away, and I follow them to talk to them and the potential SO is going off. And my BFF is asking if I’m good. After this I proceed to grab our things and leave the event before anything escalated. My BFF felt some type of way about me not talking to them before leaving the event, but all I was trying to do was diffuse the situation with the intent of talking to her the next day.

I felt some type of way because why was something I said while I was drunk brought up in front of new person anyway. Why are they feeling some type of way about potential SO being mad about BFF saying “just don’t hit her”. Now granted this person has said some suspect women beating stuff, but I don’t believe they would follow through they have too much to lose. And my BFF was trying to let them know in a jokingly way that if they ever did hit me it was going to be some problems. But at the same time this person is new to the group and doesn’t know how we joke or to take things jokingly. Especially if you’re basically accusing them of being a woman beater to their face. Anyway after this incident potential SO said they never want to hang or party with my friends again, and frankly I don’t blame them.

This isn’t the first incident where I’ve walked away feeling some type of way about them. After hanging with them on New Years I felt a way to a lesser extent. But I more so felt a way about BFF’s SO, she has the audacity of having a stank attitude towards me and then thinks it’s ok for her to chime in when they were teasing me about my clothes. And then these people have the audacity to think that I want my BFF romantically because when their SO isn’t around I’m cool but when their SO is around I have a smart mouth and a attitude. It’s like noooo it’s called having a low tolerance for someone else’s stank attitude. It amazes me how my SOs are suppose to be friendly and blah blah while BFF’s SO can sit around with a stank attitude and I’m the one with problem. That’s why when I bring potential SOs around and they say they aren’t friendly or rude, I’m kind of like yeah ok whatever. I guess you’re getting what you allowed to be dished out.
 
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