hopeful
Well-Known Member
Yes, balance @KammyGirl. It takes time and practice and perfection is never required or possible. We just do the best we can.
Men-free Zone ~ The Non-romantic Relationship Thread
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@shortdub78 after years of being in the group, it is less about fitbit/exercise and more about socializing. Not unusual. None of us wear them regularly except for one woman and she's a crazy run 10 miles a day kind of person. She wins every week and every weekend. Lol I liked the group well enough but I'm cool with leaving it behind. I don't dwell. What's done is done.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I need a new Fitbit. Mine just stopped working. I forgot who told me I can send it in to get a new one. It won't sync to my phone anymore.
They used to just send you a new one when yours broke but I'm not sure now. Last time I had problems my warranty had expired or something like that and they gave me a 75% off coupon and I bought this one. And i havent had any problems with this one for over a year.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
@shortdub78 and @KammyGirl I've been pretty much the same for most of my life. That's why I recognized it. Either being overly accommodating and sweet, ignoring a situation, or pissed off and angry. There's often another way to be in the world. I recently saw myself behaving differently and felt proud of myself and more calm. And doesn't mean I don't still revert back to the other ways, especially when caught off guard, but I'm enjoying being more balanced.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Oh...I know my warranty has expired. I had mine for over 3 years?
They still might help. Call them and complain that it's not working. Let them try to fix it and when they can't I'm sure they'll offer you something.
How'd you do it? That middle ground is a difficult place to find.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I have always been all or nothing. I know nothing of the middle ground spoken of!
@hopeful what process got you there?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I have always been all or nothing. I know nothing of the middle ground spoken of!
It just snuck up on me one day. I realized that I was more able to stand up for myself and say no without fighting, whining, or over explaining. Like I could say yes to someone's disappointment or sadness but still say no for me, do what's best for me. So compassion for the other person without being responsible for how they felt or how they worked through their feelings.
Example: someone's upset that I can't do something for them because they are in a bind.
Old way:
A) Well I just can't. This is best for me. Please don't ask again.
Or
B)I'm so sorry I can't help. I really would if I could but I've been so busy lately (or some other excuse/explanation). Otherwise I would help you. Maybe some other time.
Or
C) Avoidance
.New way: I understand that you are upset and I feel for you but I'm not available or have other plans or can't. Doing blank doesn't work for me.
In the past I would end up feeling guilty for saying no or be pissed off that they asked/insisted in the first place.
I also noticed that a lot of people when saying no want to give the other person suggestions on how to solve their problem. They'll be like why don't you do this instead or ask so and so, etc. But that just keeps you entangled, makes them more upset, and implies that you still own responsibility for their personal problem.
I see it now as saying yes and no at the same time. Yes, I understand how you feel, I care about you. And still no, I'm still not going to do that for you. And that's that. No further discussion or going round and round.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I had a talk with a good friend about this very thing earlier today. We talked about learning how to stand up for ourselves and stop trying to explain our reasons for doing so. Our safety and feelings matter. Thank you for your great insight!It just snuck up on me one day. I realized that I was more able to stand up for myself and say no without fighting, whining, or over explaining. Like I could say yes to someone's disappointment or sadness but still say no for me, do what's best for me. So compassion for the other person without being responsible for how they felt or how they worked through their feelings.
Example: someone's upset that I can't do something for them because they are in a bind.
Old way:
A) Well I just can't. This is best for me. Please don't ask again.
Or
B)I'm so sorry I can't help. I really would if I could but I've been so busy lately (or some other excuse/explanation). Otherwise I would help you. Maybe some other time.
Or
C) Avoidance
New way: I understand that you are upset and I feel for you but I'm not available or have other plans or can't. Doing blank doesn't work for me.
In the past I would end up feeling guilty for saying no or be pissed off that they asked/insisted in the first place.
I also noticed that a lot of people when saying no want to give the other person suggestions on how to solve their problem. They'll be like why don't you do this instead or ask so and so, etc. But that just keeps you entangled, makes them more upset, and implies that you still own responsibility for their personal problem.
I see it now as saying yes and no at the same time. Yes, I understand how you feel, I care about you. And still no, I'm still not going to do that for you. And that's that. No further discussion or going round and round.
Thanks @hopeful The examples make it sound so easy! My therapist and I figured out how to get me from point B to A in the old way scenario. This was years ago and for that long I've been content with option A and it's earned me a level of respect from certain people that I didn't have before. However, I'm going to revisit the topic with him and see if we can't get me to your new way. I have a hard time seeing feeling and showing the compassion in the moment because I am focused on my upset. I know there's a way to do both.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
Gah!
I recently made an error along this vein. I realize this friend also tries to emulate me a lot which is annoying considering she's 12 years older in her 50s.
So friend tries to invest now this last year because I have been and do OK. However, friend is lazy about it which I didn't initially recognize as such until last week.
She sends a screenshot of stock ticker and asks if she should buy. This has been the trend but hadnt realized before that day! I said no clue. Get on the xyz app, read investor opinion, study the fund's history. It can take me weeks to decide on a long term investment.
It's been crickets ever since and normally we talk every day. 6 days running in silence now. this is my punishment I guess. yawn.
It's kind of a relief. She's had a lot of drama and was getting on my nerves. like several years straight running of drama and bad news
but maybe I could have handled it better? idk. Just be tired.
I recently made an error along this vein. I realize this friend also tries to emulate me a lot which is annoying considering she's 12 years older in her 50s.
So friend tries to invest now this last year because I have been and do OK. However, friend is lazy about it which I didn't initially recognize as such until last week.
She sends a screenshot of stock ticker and asks if she should buy. This has been the trend but hadnt realized before that day! I said no clue. Get on the xyz app, read investor opinion, study the fund's history. It can take me weeks to decide on a long term investment.
It's been crickets ever since and normally we talk every day. 6 days running in silence now. this is my punishment I guess. yawn.
It's kind of a relief. She's had a lot of drama and was getting on my nerves. like several years straight running of drama and bad news
but maybe I could have handled it better? idk. Just be tired.
It just snuck up on me one day. I realized that I was more able to stand up for myself and say no without fighting, whining, or over explaining. Like I could say yes to someone's disappointment or sadness but still say no for me, do what's best for me. So compassion for the other person without being responsible for how they felt or how they worked through their feelings.
Example: someone's upset that I can't do something for them because they are in a bind.
Old way:
A) Well I just can't. This is best for me. Please don't ask again.
Or
B)I'm so sorry I can't help. I really would if I could but I've been so busy lately (or some other excuse/explanation). Otherwise I would help you. Maybe some other time.
Or
C) Avoidance
New way: I understand that you are upset and I feel for you but I'm not available or have other plans or can't. Doing blank doesn't work for me.
In the past I would end up feeling guilty for saying no or be pissed off that they asked/insisted in the first place.
I also noticed that a lot of people when saying no want to give the other person suggestions on how to solve their problem. They'll be like why don't you do this instead or ask so and so, etc. But that just keeps you entangled, makes them more upset, and implies that you still own responsibility for their personal problem.
I see it now as saying yes and no at the same time. Yes, I understand how you feel, I care about you. And still no, I'm still not going to do that for you. And that's that. No further discussion or going round and round.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
It takes time. You have to do what's best for you @KammyGirl. I found myself doing this with my daughter the other day and I was just like wow. She felt loved and empowered and respectful of me and my needs. I felt proud of myself for kindly standing my ground.
@DarkJoy Wow @ her making you her investment advisor. She gonna give you commission too
? No but really good for you for putting a stop to that. Some nerve trying to punish you for not doing her due diligence for her. Enjoy the break from talking to her. She thinks she's punishing you but all she's doing is helping you be more firm and showing you who she really is.
@DarkJoy Wow @ her making you her investment advisor. She gonna give you commission too
? No but really good for you for putting a stop to that. Some nerve trying to punish you for not doing her due diligence for her. Enjoy the break from talking to her. She thinks she's punishing you but all she's doing is helping you be more firm and showing you who she really is.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
I was thinking that too! where's my damn commission? it rallies, I want a cut!@DarkJoy Wow @ her making you her investment advisor. She gonna give you commission too
It was starting to get uncomfortable. You about to spend thousands of dollars and asking me? I'm not a professional. Told her many a time to watch youtubes, read financial papers etc, download books. The amount of free advice and research is limitless for fledgling investors.
But if an investment i advise goes awry and bottoms out to zero, who she gonna look at? Shes unemployed atm and im not gonna be her verbal or emotional punching bag if she makes a bad call based on my advise and cant make the rent.
sgold04
Well-Known Member
I think this is day five I've been stuck in the house because of the hurricane? Luckily I haven't been effected other than I can't leave my building. I'm supposed to head out of town to visit friends and their babies for Labor Day weekend, I was really looking forward to it, I hope I can still make it out.
TwoSnapsUp
Well-Known Member
Going out with friends for dinner and to be honest, I'm not in the mood to hear complaints about the husbands and kids or to look at 50-11 kids pics.
It's been a long time since I'm always dodging "catch up dates", so I'll suck it up this time.
It's been a long time since I'm always dodging "catch up dates", so I'll suck it up this time.
caribeandiva
Human being
I can relate. My parents are the same way unfortunately. The parent/child roles were definitely reversed. I never really got to be a child. Sometimes I get jealous of people with normal, responsible parents. I felt cheated for a long time.
caribeandiva
Human being
She wanted examples, I mentioned the recent ones and she was like well I'm a realist to which I replied that reality must suck
TwoSnapsUp
Well-Known Member
Dinner was fun. Listening to their stories will have me semi prepared if I ever become a parent. I miss my childhood friends, but we are at different places and I feel like I don't belong. It's so hard making friends at this age. I have many associates, but friends? Not many.Going out with friends for dinner and to be honest, I'm not in the mood to hear complaints about the husbands and kids or to look at 50-11 kids pics.
It's been a long time since I'm always dodging "catch up dates", so I'll suck it up this time.
TwoSnapsUp
Well-Known Member
I ordered a movie ticket to an early show for a theatre that's a few minutes from me.
I get up to go shower and get ready, only to find that the hot water isn't running.
My apt building doesn't want me to be great, I see.
I get up to go shower and get ready, only to find that the hot water isn't running.
My apt building doesn't want me to be great, I see.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I had fun in Sally Beauty Supply. That's all I got! lol I'm gonna paint my toes green. My little car is giving me the flux! I wanted to get a new car around this time, but I'm still working on getting a house.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
That is punishment..I ordered a movie ticket to an early show for a theatre that's a few minutes from me.
I get up to go shower and get ready, only to find that the hot water isn't running.
My apt building doesn't want me to be great, I see.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I love having a Sally Beauty shopping day! Good luck with the car and the house!
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Thank you! I need all of the luck I can get! The condo I wanted is in the contingent stage (not me). I won't feel bad about it, maybe something better is out there for me! At least I'm on track with school! My car is acting up, but things happen. I'm in a positive mood today.
TwoSnapsUp
Well-Known Member
I took myself to the movies at a dine in theater yesterday. I had the theater all to myself. It was great. I need to treat myself more often to something I can do solo. Maybe make it a twice a month event, if not weekly? Not sure.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Great idea! I plan to go to the movies on Sunday.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Not IT?!!! You are a brave one!
qchelle
Well-Known Member
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